More Funny D&D Stories

[russdm]

So i thought i would post some from our saturday game and a bit earlier. Plus accept that we are a wacky party at nearly all times...

The Party:
Me-Sir Barak Humanbane, 4th level (made 6th level before session ended and did stuff as 6th level) Halfling Cleric of St. Cuthbert
Mark-Kobold sorc(?)/Urpriest, who thinks he used to be a god of neutral dragons, he can do what Elan did with the Banjo puppet in the dungeon section (Look at the lightning in the second to last comic, before it did nonlethal damage, now it does d3 since he meet some psuedodragons, also Mark is a powergamer
Adam-An elf Book of nine swordser, a powergamer, also crazy and pyschotic
Blake-7th level elf wizard, powergamer, crazy and pyschotic

Ethan-the DM

Party Alignments:
Me-LN
Mark-N
Adam-Was NG, now TN or N
Blake-NE

The Story:

So we got hired, no wait not hired-asked, by Tam, an annoying wizard to go explore, which we did. We found a gold mine infested by spiders, go figure, with one spider lurking under the water beneath a wood bridge in the cave. The gold mine was a cave. After killing the spiders, Mark and Adam set about mining the gold.

A short time afterward, a halfling chick named Anna showed up. For reasons unexplained, some halflings can only use telepathy...ummm? So she gives my character a ring to communicate with and i learn we need to pick up our new partymember(blake) from her village.

On the way, of course, is a swamp filled with wraiths that only come out at night. So only i volunteer to travel, leaving the other two partymembers to keep mining gold and lumber. I get a firewolf (wolfy who breathes fire) as a steed and we(me and anne) make it her village, passing blake and his telepathic guide on the way in the swamp.

So apparently blake left the village while I was on my way there and he fought the wraiths and murdered his guide. I didn't know and it caused an out of game argument since mark and adam had chosen to remain behind.

I learn what i was supposed to learn and can get teleported back by my deity to the cave with the gold mine. So i do, and have blake ported into a tree by the mine.

I get a vision suggesting that the orcs (who drove everybody from the old world to the new world some time ago and didn't follow) are going to invade by sea and that we need to go back to a town. so we picked up and left, bringing anne along.

So there we called a night.

On saturday:

On our way back to town, we encounter more of the halfling bandits we had origionally encountered on the way to the mine. We found their hideout and 3 of us (Mark, me, and anne) go inside. once we get down the ladder...

Me: I cast "Detect Magic".
Ethan: You detect some faint magic (conjuration/abjuration)
Me: I investigate.
E: You find a glyph on the only door to use.
Me, plus mark: I use/cast "read Magic"
E: It's a glyph of warding with cloudkill that doesn't harm halflings.
Mark: Frak
Me: I have Anne search the door for traps. (She does, but since she is a ranger she doesn't happen to find anything)
E: no traps.
Me: I go through the door. and have Anne follow and we get Mark through without setting off the glyph.

So we continue exploring and enter a barracks with three sleeping halflings. We sneak up to knock them out, but one hears us, the one i am approaching.

E, as halfling: Who is it? Who's there?
Me, using bluff: Umm, Ted. I'm new.
E: oh, okay. Hi ted. (rolls over to study us, points to Mark) what is that?
Mark, using bluff: I am a halfling that got turned into a newt by a witch.
E: uhh, okay. (to me) Whats his name?
Me: Umm, Phil.
Me, using diplomacy: I'm new, can you tell me about this operation?
E, spends time spilling the beans to his friend, "ted"

So we find out about this cook and wizard. We go to quiet down the cook. also during this time, for reasons currently unexplained, each of the halfling we have encountered so far and do encounter all say hi to Anne, having apparently met her in her village. So all these halflings are mute telepaths, that only i can hear because of my ring.

We encounter the cook and cause a bit of a ruckus, then mark goes to use alter self to burrow a tunnel for adam and blake in the halfling bandit den privy. the noise brings my friend from the barracks named Leonerd and the other two to show up needing to pee.

E, as halfings with leonerd behind them: We need to pee.
Me: Hey, i just got here shortly. somebody told me that the cave started to collapse, in the privy and here in the kitchen and in the loot room.
E: Darn, we really need to pee.
Me: Try going outside. there some bushes and trees. (stammering or being dumb, rolling and failing bluff) There are some dangerous elves out there.
Cue party getting ticked off.
Me: Those elves are dangerous and want to kill halflings. Beware the Trees. The Elves are Trees! (this is where the bluff check failed) Don't use the trees, they are Elves!
Party: What??
Mark: I am totally using that.
The two halflings leave. Given that we found the hole because our mage cast deeper slumber and knocked out some halflings that were fleeing Adam was a leaping around to attack things.

Earlier in the game, we met some psuedodragons who combined their powers, and shared his delusions with him, making him stronger. They joined us.

So the halflings leave leonerd with me and anne, and he goes to taste some soup the cook was making. Mark finishes the tunnel and comes out as halfling (he had a hat of disguise) wearing only pants.
Mark: See, i got better.

So Leonerd (hofstader, we were watching big bang theory the previous night and while we were waiting for blake to arrive) starts tasting the soup.
Me: I shove his head in the soup. Rolls
E: You succeed, he starts screaming.
Adam comes in, having made it down the tunnel, kills leonerd.

We have a fight with the wizard, take her prisoner, i execute her after blake tortures her for information. we then interrogate some more prisoners then dig up some dead bodies and re bury the elven ones.

During that, blake asks/tells the prisoners to dig up the dead bodies...
Blake: Dig up the bodies.
Halfling prisoners: No way.
Blake, kills one of the halflings: Dig them up.
Surviving prisoners: No way.
Blake proceeds threaten them to no effect.

We have Anne search the wizard's desk for traps, in which we learn she actually can't search for traps. Oopps!

Blake has me prepare some "speak with deads" since i have reached 6th level now. I do, and we recruit something like 28 humans who are totally fine with blake using them as skeletons to enact vengence.

Also, mark picked up leadership, recruiting one of his 4 pseudodragons as a cohort. and i pick up Anne using leadership as a cohort through the following method.

Me: Hey, Anne (E), i want you for my cohort.
E, as Anne: What? Are you proposing to me?
Me: What the F? What do you mean?
E: Thats how it works.
Me: crap, fine i guess.
Blake: Dearly Eviled, we are gathered here today...

During that evening while i am asleep St. Cuthbert shows up.
Cuthbert: Hail, servant.
ME: Hail, Master! Forgive your servant for his assocation with blake's character, the pyschotic elf mage.
Cuthbert: It's cool. You will need your pyschotic elf mage until the end. Don't tell any of the others what i am going to tell you.
Me: Okay. What do you have to tell me?
Cuthbert: People that you know from home have (are) gone.
Me: Well, some people were killed by the halflings bandits, and some were saying they were going on vacation. Are they gone because the halflings killed them or gone for another reason?
Cuthbert: No, they are gone and not killed by halflings.
Me: Can you tell me why or how?
Cuthbert: No. That's something you need to find out.
Me: Great, thanks for telling me some semi-useless information. Can you tell me anything actually useful or helpful?
Cuthbert: Don't tell your party members what i told you. and keep the crazy elf mage alive, you will need him later.
Me: yeah, i got that the first time.
Cuthbert leaves.
Me: Bloody annoying.

So the party gets up and we head to town, except its not there. So blake does an astronomy thing, and we find out that we have gone back 175 years in time.

Someone in the party: Lets go visit the gold mine. So we do, while blake has the undead start to build a boat so we can visit the old world.
We go to the mine where we find, henry. Henry is the living dude that had been killed by spiders and whose body was in the cave/mine. We talk to him and examine his journel. We find out that he will be killed 15 years later by spiders.
The party: You should come with us, you die in here (the cave/mine)
Henry: I don't know.
Adam: You get killed by spiders and we find your body.
Henry: ....
Adam: You spend fifteen years alone, then the spiders kill you. You should come with us. That way, the spiders don't kill you and you aren't lonely for years.
Henry: uhhhh, i will ask Pelor in the morning.

Come morning, Henry: Pelor says to help you out and go with you.

So we mine the gold mine again, and tell henry about what things look like and do the whole future predictions thing. WE learn from henry whats happenign in the old world that matters to us.

Henry: I would have left, but my plane shift wasn't working before. oh, now its working since pelor said i was supposed to help you out.
We have summon a lantern archon to help us move the gold and undead mine and refine it.

Adam/Blake: Based on the number of tons we have mined, we have 3 million gold coins. Split up between everybody, that is 750,000 gold coins.
Party: Booyah!!! Shopping Spree.
Adam, to DM: Can we have the Lantern Archon buy stuff for us in the old world?
Ethan: Yep.

So we do, and we need to go to the old world to stop or change the orc wars leading to everybody heading over to where we are in the new world.

Yeah....I got married and got 750,000 gold. Looking good.