The Transcription of the Stick

[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 282 to 301
Book 2: No Cure for the Paladin Blues
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Spoiler: Strip 282

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Closing Arguments
Celia, Roy, Elan, Mr. Jones, Vaarsuvius

Celia: One last question. If you knew then what you know now--about the gates and what they do--would you have tried to prevent Elan from touching that magic rune?
Roy: Well… no. even though I scolded him for it at the time, I now fully believe that Xykon’s minions were capable of carrying out his plan for the gate. As alien as it sounds to my ears, Elan did the great thing, in my opinion.
Celia:Thank you, Mr. Greenhilt. The defense rests, Your Honor.
Elan: Yay! You did really well, Roy!
Roy: I’m sure I would have done even better if SOMEONE hadn’t been whispering, “Testify, testify, testify, testify on our own behalf,” the whole time.
Celia:Shhhh! Mr. Jones is starting his closing argument.
Roy: No singing.
Mr. Jones: There is only one fact that needs to be considered in this trial: Did the human known as Elan destroy Dorukan’s Gate and did his allies aid him-intentional or not- in doing so? The answer is simple. Yes, he did and yes, they did. The defense will attempt to obfuscate the simplicity of this answer with a lot of talk about heroism and such, but this is a court of law, not a bardic poem. Whether or not it was ultimately beneficial, the law is clear: weakening the fabric of the universe by destroying one of the gates is a crime in the eyes of the gods who give the Sapphire Guard their holy power. It is not the place for a mortal to supercede divine law and take matters into their own hands. The gods have wisdom and understanding beyond what you and I can possibly grasp, and if they didn’t want the Sapphire Guard to bring these perpetrators to justice, wouldn’t they have revoked the divine powers granted to the arresting officer? We can easily interpret their will by observing that they have not yet seen fit to do so. For that matter, if Dorukan’s Gate needed to be destroyed, as the defense will no doubt claim, could not the gods have done so themselves? The gods have spoken through their silence: the Sapphire Guard is in the right, and the Order of the Stick is not. The gods you serve are Lawful and Good, by their very definition; their will can never be anything BUT Lawful and Good. Follow their guidance, then, and convict the defendants. All we ask is that the laws that exist be enforced. They did the crime, let them do the time. Thank you.
Celia:Did my client activate the Self-Destruct Rune on Dorukan’s Gate? Yes. We have never disputed this fact, despite what the prosecution would have you believe. But would there BE a Self-Destruct Rune on the gate in the first place if there weren’t circumstances that warranted its use? When Elan destroyed the gate, he was doing the right thing- whether or not he knew it at the time- to keep it from being further exploited by Xykon’s goblin henchmen. We live in a world of black and white morality; this is something we all know. But I ask you, who ever said black is always wrong and white is always right? Our alignments are not rigid and unyielding codes of conduct – no, not even a Lawful alignment. They are goals for ourselves. Standards we hope in our hearts that we can achieve. Failing them does not mean invalidate the choice we made to attempt to live within the bounds of that alignment; it just means we must try that much harder next time. This court clearly operators under the Lawful Good point-of-view, but that does not mean it is required to blindly label my client’s Chaotic act as a crime. You have an opportunity, right here and now, to correct the mistake that was made in charging my clients. Lawful Good does not mean a strict adherence to meaningless laws, even at the expense of safety. It acknowledges the possibility of bad laws. A Lawful Good authority such as this court needs to constantly evaluate whether or not a law supports the greater good. If it does not, it should be stricken from the record or revised. I therefore purpose that any prohibition against destroying the gate is subservient to the greater good of the safely and wellbeing of the inhabitants of the universe. It’s not going to make you any less Lawful Good to admit that the law-however well intended- did not take all of the possibilities into account when it was handed down. You alignment does not make you immune to mistakes, and making mistakes will not cause you to change alignments. The distinction between intent and action is the foundation of the law. The criteria for punishment is not what you were thinking, but what actions you took. And Elan took a heroic and desperately needed action when he destroyed that gate, despite having absolutely no capacity to understand that fact. Yes, he weakened the fabric of the universe. And if he hadn’t, we might all be speaking Goblin now. Or worse, the universe may have come to an end altogether. There are people who claim alignments are archaic and limiting; that they restrict possible personalities and lead to inherently unsolvable conflicts. Please, prove them wrong. Prove that even in a system of objective Good and Evil, there is still room for nuance and exception. Prove that Lawful can sometimes be wrong for all the right reasons, and Chaotic can sometimes be right for all the wrong reasons. Prove that the alignment system works, and find my clients not guilty. Thank you.
Elan: Amazing! Don’t you think Celia did a good job?
Vaarsuvius: Meh. I found her argument too brief for my taste.

Spoiler: Strip 283

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Rock the Vote
Roy, Celia, Elan, Shojo, Mr. Scruffy, Eugene (disguised as Being of Pure Law and Good)

Roy: Great job, Celia. I think you nailed it.
Celia:Thanks. I just hope it’s enough.
Roy: Well, if it’s not, you should really know that I really appreciate all that you’ve done for us here. We wouldn’t have had a chance without you.
Celia:Thanks, Roy. That means a lot to me.
Elan: Wow, they both made such persuasive arguments. It’s going to be tough to decide who to vote for.
Roy: Who to…vote…for…? Elan, this is a criminal court, not American Idol! We’re the ones on trial here! We don’t get to- You know what? You’re absolutely right, it IS going to be tough to decide who to vote for. That’s why you should think very carefully and then write down your vote on a piece of paper, which you should then give to the white cat.
Elan: Yay! I’m part of the democratic process!
Roy: What? Don’t give me that look. You’re the one who started the whole, “Let’s not tell Elan uncomfortable truths,” thing. I just can’t bear to tell him he has no power to decide his own fate now.
Shojo: Ahem. Oh Mighty Being of Pure Law and Good! You have heard the arguments on both sides of the case. Are you prepared to render your verdict?
Elan: Here you go!
Mr. Scruffy:Meow?
Eugene: I am. On behalf of the Upper Planes and the cosmic forces of Law and Good, I find the Order of the Stick to be-
Elan: Awww, man! I hate weekend cliffhangers!
Roy: Well, if you hadn’t decided to speak in the last panel, we’d have known by now!

Spoiler: Strip 284

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Shattered Expectations
Eugene (disguised as Being of Pure Law and Good), Roy, Elan, Vaarsuvius, Haley, Celia, Shojo, Hinjo, Miko

Eugene: Not Guilty.
Roy: Well, guys, it’s been an honor to work with you, and I guess I may see some of you in whatever afterlife- … Wait, did he just say NOT Guilty?
Elan: Hooray!
Vaarsuvius: Outstanding.
Haley: Zktv?
(H): What?
Eugene: By virtue of it having been strictly necessary at the time, the Order of the Stick is hereby cleared of all charges.
Roy: Hmm. Go figure. I had pretty much given up on there being any justice at this farce of a trial, but I guess I was being too cynical.
Haley: Fx, ztbv, vktv aupqbev qxusf’v ntou sufsu. Wtzs qxf’v zxpo vktv ztd.
(H): No, wait, that verdict doesn’t make sense. Laws don’t work that way.
Celia: Wheee! I won! I won my first case!
Roy: Ha ha!
Haley: B’au suuf ufxlck xi nd Vkbuaus’ Clbwq ipbufqs sufv vx jpbsxf vx ofxz vktv vkbs skxlwq ktau huuf t exfabevbxf.
(H): I’ve seen enough of my Thieves’ Guild friends sent to prison to know that this should have been a conviction.
Shojo: Thank you, Being of Pure Law and Good, for your service in this matter. Hinjo, please retrieve the Order of the Stick’s weapons. They are free to go.
Hinjo: Yes, Lord Shojo.
Shojo: And Hinjo… Why do I have a piece of paper on my lap that says, “Meow”?
Elan: <whispering> I didn’t know if Mr. Scruffy could read Common.
Roy: I’m going to make a radical suggestion here and propose we leave this awful place and never return.
Vaarsuvius: I second your motion.
Haley: Hlv… hlv bv qxusf’v ntou tfd sufsu!
(H): But… but it doesn’t make any sense!
Elan: Ummmm, Haley? Are you OK there?
Haley: Fx! B’n fxv XO, vkbs zkxwu vpbtw ntqu FX SUFSU! Zu ZUPU clbwvd! Bv skxlwq ktau huuf t clbwvd aupqbev! B etf lfqupsvtfq bi vkud ztfvuq vx puqleu vku sufvufeu qlu vx vku ebpelnsvtfeus, hlv bv skxlwq ktau svbww huuf t clbwvd aupqbev.
(H): No! I’m not OK, this whole trial made NO SENSE! We WERE guilty! It should have been a guilty verdict! I can understand if they wanted to reduce the sentence due to the circumstances, but it should have still been a guilty verdict.
Elan: I guess you’re upset? Did you vote for the other guy?
Haley: Xk, fuaup nbfq. B qxf’v ofxz zkd B’n hxvkupbfc.
(H): Oh, never mind. I don’t know why I’m bothering.
Elan: It’s tough to tell if you’re mad at me. I mean, you LOOK mad, but looks can be deceiving.
Shojo: Mr. Greenhilt? Mr. Scruffy would look to have a word with you before you leave.
Roy: Yeah? Well Mr. Scruffy can shove it up his fuzzy little-
Haley: Ztbv- Uwtf, zktv qbq dxl rlsv std?
(H): Wait- Elan, what did you just say?
Elan: I understand, though. I’m kinda bummed out too. All that time spent on the trial, and what a let down. I mean, they call that a climax? “Not Guilty, thanks, now leave”?
Haley: Xk nd cxqs, Uwtf! Vktv’s bv! Uwtf, dxl’pu t cudblus!
(H): Oh my gods, Elan! That’s it! Elan, you’re a genius!
Elan: That’s not a climax!
<sfx> CEEESH!
Miko: Time to DIE, evildoer!
Elan: See that? THAT’S a climax!

Spoiler: Strip 285

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A Moment of Truth
Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Miko, Roy, Elan, Haley, Durkon, Shojo

Belkar: <whispering> Do it…C’mon, do it…
Vaarsuvius: Scorching Ray! Belkar is a horrible, loathesome, supremely selfish creature who behaves contemptibly, laughs at the pain of others, has no manners whatsoever, and whose mental acuity would be compared unfavorably to that of a table. And yet I find I still prefer him to you.
Miko: Do not interfere in that which is none of your concern, elf!
Roy: Oh yeah? Well, I’m pretty sure it IS my concern…I’m his leader. You want him, you’ll have to go through me.
Miko: You call yourself Lawful Good and yet you defend him?
Roy: Not everything is about Good and Evil, Miko. In this case, it’s about loyalty. I learned in Fighter College that a good commander doesn’t abandon one of his people in the face of the enemy. And Belkar IS one of my people. He’s had numerous opportunities to turn on us in battle and has never done so. Despite the fact that if he had sided with our foes, he could have probably beaten us and then looted our corpses for our magical items.
Belkar: Hey, that’s a good idea…
Roy: You’re not helping. Face it, Miko: Belkar is a member of the Order of the Stick, and you are not-and never will be.
Elan: Yeah! You big meanie!
Haley: Rst azq’e tqmgowezqm kg, ws hge kg xtwe wzr efze rst’og z couyum lueaf zqd rsto efuyfw hssp cze uq efze zokso.
(H): You can’t understand me, so let me just say that you’re a frigid bitch and your thighs look fat in that armor.
Miko: And you, Durkon? Do you stand against me now as well?
Durkon: Na unless ye force me ta. Think, lass. This cannae be wha Thor wanted. Let thar be no more death taday.
(D): No unless you force me to. Think, lass. This cannot be what Thor wanted. Let there be no more death today.
Miko: Very well. If enemies you wish to be, than I simply have to crush you all a third time before exacting justice on the halfling. Make peace with your gods, Northerners.
Shojo: STOP! Miko Miyazaki, the orders I gave you were to deliver this halfling to my audience chamber. You have now done so successfully, despite great difficulty. For this, I commend your efforts. I now request that you retire to your quarters and await further orders.
Miko: Master, the halfling killed one of our guards in cold blood. He must be punished.
Shojo: Then he will be taken into custody and tried, lawfully, on those charges.
Miko: As you command, Master. You are my rightful liege, I obey your wishes. For I am a paladin… whether any of YOU like it or not. But mark my words: This act of defiance has sealed your fate. You will suffer a great loss for choosing Evil over Good. This I swear. Holy justice will be served, in due time. I only pray that the Twelve Gods allow it to be my hand that strikes the final blow, so that I might feel your warm sin-stained blood spilled rightfully on the cold hard ground.
Elan: Whew! And here I thought she was going to be upset!

Spoiler: Strip 286

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A Minor Glitch
Belkar, Vaarsuvius

Belkar: Hey V, before they bring me back to jail, I just wanted-
Vaarsuvius: There is no need.
Belkar: Huh?
Vaarsuvius: I know that neither of us excels at social situations, so suffice to say that I accept your thanks for saving you from Miko.
Belkar: My…thanks?? Are you kidding me?? You ruined everything!! All that work to push her over the edge, and you interrupt it right before she finally snaps! I guess I can always start over, but so much work wasted!
Vaarsuvius: Well, I’m terribly sorry, but I thought she was going to kill you!
Belkar: No one pays you to think, Ears.
Vaarsuvius: …They actually pay me to do nothing BUT think, you moron!
Belkar: Look, last time I checked the cleric spell list, Raise Dead was a 5th-level spell. Durkon can cast it like 3-4 times a day. And he’d do it, too, because he’s a sucker. I mean, he just healed me up for free. But losing your paladinhood through your own willful actions? Do you have any idea how hard that is to reverse? Goodbye, Miko the Paladin- hello, Miko the Fighter-Without-Bonus-Feats. It would have been HILARIOUS.
Vaarsuvius: I see. And how would your cunning master plan have accounted for the fact that Durkon would have required 5000 gp worth of diamonds as a material component to power the Raise Dead spell? Diamonds, I hasten to add, that he does not, in fact, possess?
Belkar: Well, uh… Obviously, I would have…SHUT UP!
Vaarsuvius: I think I many owe the tables of the world an apology…

Spoiler: Strip 287

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Paladins Make Good Tour Guides
Belkar, Celia, Roy, Mr. Rodriguez, Mr. Jones, Hinjo, Vaarsuvius, Elan

Belkar: Hey, Sweetwings, so what time are you coming down to discuss my defense strategy?
Celia:Hmmm, I’m not sure, I’ll surprise you. The surprise being, of course, that I’m not going to be defending him.
Roy: Heh. So, does that mean you’re heading back to school right away?
Celia:I’m in no rush. Class doesn’t resume until next week.
Mr. Rodriguez: I’m sorry you lost the case, Mr. Jones.
Mr. Jones: Actually, I’m fairly certain the transcript will show that Phil Rodriguez was the lawyer of record for this trial.
Mr. Rodriguez: Aww, man! That means my record will fall to 0-147.
Mr. Jones: Naturally, I remain perfect at 5-0.
Hinjo: See? I knew everything would work out OK.
Vaarsuvius: “OK”? I do not see how being made to stand trial for a capital crime ever constitutes “OK”.
Hinjo: Yeah, but the point is that the legal system worked. You were acquitted of all charges.
Roy: Wow, Hinjo, you should work for the tourism board. “Come to sunny Azure City: You’ll be found innocent-eventually!”
Hinjo: Hey, don’t blame the whole city for what the Sapphire Guard did to you. Most people who live here don’t even know we exist. (Which, incidentally, makes it awfully difficult to redeem these “Sapphire Guard discount coupons” my uncle keeps giving us.) Look, I know a great inn, away from the castle. Let me pay for your room tonight, and tomorrow I’ll show you around the city.
Roy: Hmmm, I don’t know…
Elan: Please, Roy? Can we please? Can we? Please? Please? Pleeeeeeeease?
Roy: OK, you can go with Hinjo.
Elan: Wooo!! We’re going to see the city!! We’re going to see the city!! I wanna see the sailboats! Can I see the sailboats? Ooo, and I wanna see the gardens, and the stores, and the big fountain things. And do you guys have a theater? I really wanna see a theater too. And the candy stores. Can I have a lollipop?
Roy: I consider this my token revenge for our incarceration.

Spoiler: Strip 288

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First Word...
Shojo, Roy, Vaarsuvius

Shojo: Uh, Mr. Greenhilt? I’d like to-
Roy: What the-- Haley, get out of my way.
Vaarsuvius: Expeditious Retreat!
Roy: Haley, seriously, don’t make me Bull Rush you here. I’m not in the mood and I can’t really remember the rules. What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s trapped in a well? Sigh. OK. So, you’re pointing… at the moron with the cat. And now you’re pointing at your hair. Shojo’s hair? No, your head. Shojo’s head? Shojo’s liver spots? Shojo’s brain? Brain? Shojo’s brain! OK, next word is… fat? Shojo is a fathead? No. Uh… round? Big? Big, OK. Hey, this is kinda fun. OK, so “Shojo brain big,” what’s next? Eyes? No. Two? Sight? Gaze? Gaze attack! Shojo has a gaze attack that causes encephalitis! What? It was a reasonable guess. OK, fine, uh, eyes? Eyeballs, glance, look- Look? That’s it, “look”? “Shojo big brain look.” Hmm, Shojo big brain look, Shojo big brain look, Shojo big brain- “Shojo is smarter than he looks”?
Shojo: I’m glad you figured that out before I advanced another age category, Mr. Greenhilt.

Spoiler: Strip 289

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Senility Now!
Shojo, Roy, Ninja

Shojo: Your second-in command, despite apparently not speaking Common, is as astute as she is lovely. I’m afraid I have been pulling the proverbial wool over your eyes. Why don’t we speak on the balcony? I find my legs get so tired these days from sitting on that throne for hours. Also, we can finally turn the spotlights off.
Roy: When did he become sane?
Shojo: I apologize for the “Mr. Scruffy” deception. You see, while you have only seen clerics and paladins, I can assure you Azure City has a very active noble class. Any number of whom might feel they could profit from my demise.
<flashback>
Shoko: <voiceover> A few years ago, I narrowly escaped an assassination attempt- one that resulted from an unpopular edict I had issued.
Ninja: THIS is what we think of Meat Loaf Day!
<end flashback>
Shojo: Ever since that day, I have found it easier to let them believe that I am senile and easily swayed. When I rule in their favor, they assume that they controlled me. When I rule against them, they assume one of their rival nobles controlled me. I can make the decisions I feel are necessary without worrying about being killed over them.
Roy: And no one knows?
Shojo: No one.
Roy: Why are you telling me this, then?
Shojo: Because I have some things to say to you, and some things to ask you, and I want you to take me seriously.
Roy: Well gosh, letting me know that you’re apparently a very skillful liar is definitely a step in the right direction. Doesn’t seem exactly paladinish of you, either.
Shojo: Mr. Greenhilt, I am the commander of the paladins of the Sapphire Guard by virtue of my inheritance, not merit. In other words, I command the paladins. I have never claimed to be one.
Roy: Wait, you’re not a paladin??
Shojo: Technically, I’m a 14th level aristocrat. Heck, I’m not even Lawful!
Roy: So you’re telling me… this whole time… this whole trial, I’ve been fooled…I’ve been fooled by someone…by someone with…with…
Shojo: By someone with an NPC class, I’m afraid so.
Roy: I feel dirty inside.

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Shojo's Big Secret
Roy, Shojo, Female Paladin, Male Paladin, Miko, Eugene

Roy: So even the paladins don’t know about your ruse?
Shojo: No. It allows me to occasionally engage in behavior they might not tolerate in their liege. It worked well, actually, right until Dorukan’s Gate was destroyed. I knew nothing of this lich of yours, but when my diviners told me of the explosion, I feared for the integrity of the Snarl’s prison. With two of the gates gone. I felt-
Roy: Hold on, “two”? What happened to the other?
<flashback>
Shojo: <voiceover> Lirian’s gate was destroyed in a fire many years ago, and she vanished. I sent paladins, but they found nothing conclusive.
Female paladin: So… got ranks in Search?
Male Paladin:No. You?
Female paladin: No.
Male Paladin:Darn.
<arrow text> Goblin footprints. Piece of a red cloak.
<end flashback>
Shojo: Anyway, with two gates lost, I felt that the safety of the remaining gates was in jeopardy. But that left me with a conundrum: The only servants in my employ that I could trust with the locations of the gates of Girard and Kraagor were my paladins. But each and every paladin had sworn an oath to never interfere with those same gates! I, too, swore the oath when I assumed command of the Sapphire Guard, but I feel it is foolish to risk universal destruction for a promise to people I’ve never met. The paladins feel differently. Without concrete evidence of a threat to all of the gates, they wouldn’t consider checking on the other two. What I needed was someone who could go out, look in on the other gates, and report back to me. I couldn’t send anyone in the Sapphire Guard - or even let them know I was doing it.
Roy: I fail to see what this has to do with me. Or rather, I am beginning to see, but I’m hoping I’m totally wrong.
Shojo: You might want to begin to prepare yourself for disappointment.
Roy: Crap.
Shojo: When I learned about your party of adventurers, I saw an opportunity. Your group already knew about the gates - or so I assumed at the time – and was not hampered by Soon’s oath. You were exactly what I needed. I sent my most powerful paladin to the North to collect you. I couldn’t tell her why I had to speak to you, though, so I invoked criminal charges. I knew you were innocent of any true wrongdoing, even if you were technically guilty of “weakening the fabric of the universe.” But the charges would get you down here so we could talk. I believed that I could give you a trial that would appear legitimate to the paladins, even if I had to manipulate the outcome.
Roy: Wait. Wait right there. You knew--KNEW--that the whole thing was an accident, and you sent that bitch to drag us back here in chains?
Shojo: Yes, but I believed it was for the greater good.
<flashback>
Shojo: <voiceover> Miko has a tendency to be a bit…overzealous in bringing criminals to justice.
Miko: My blades will be bathed in the blood of those responsible.
Shojo: Uh, actually, Mr. Scruffy says that you should try hard to bring them back alive for trial.
Miko: Sigh. As your cat wishes, Master, if it is possible.
<end flashback>
Roy: So everything we’re been through-been captured, abused, imprisoned, tried -- was all so you could offer me a JOB without your paladin buddies knowing?
Shojo: I suppose, yes.
Roy: So, what placing a classified ad didn’t have the right undertone of personal violation for you? I’m sure this whole Snarl thing completely justifies what you did to us, at least in your mind, but I can’t see any reason why I would EVER want to work for you. Assuming I had any reason to think this wasn’t just another lie. There’s no reason to believe a thing you say. As someone once said to me, “I just don’t trust you enough to believe you lied.” For example: you just told me that you didn’t learn any information from Lirian’s Gate… but you now claim to have known about us before you unleashed Miko. So which one is the lie?
Shojo: A very good question. The gods smiled on me the day your bard blew up Dorukan’s Gate. They sent me a being from the Upper Planes, who told me everything I needed to know about you and your party. He has continued to advise me ever since.
Eugene: What? You were maybe expecting Patrick Swayze?

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Not to Mention Little League
Eugene, Roy, Haley

Eugene: …of course, I’m pretty good at that “dirty dancing,” so I see how you could be confused…
Roy: DAD?!?
Haley: F dxaqgxd oaq cbfr oaqi rbr pbc rlbr?
(H): I thought you said your dad was dead?
Roy: You were the “Being of Pure Law and Good” all along? How…?
Eugene: Good gods, boy, has being a fighter dulled your wits so much that you’ve forgotten my specialty? Illusions! I’ve have you know that I was named Best Illusionist of the Year three times by the Wizze Awards by the time I was your age.
Roy: Gee, dad, I had no idea. It’s not like the trophies were enshrined in our front hallway or anything.
Eugene: You should have seen your face when you heard the big red angel voice! Ahem: No mercy! Kill! KILL! Priceless!
Roy: It’s reassuring to know that you haven’t decided to spontaneously start taking my feelings into account during your absence.
Eugene: Oh, relax. I was just having some fun with you. Look, I didn’t WANT to drag this Shojo guy into our family business. I had better things to do. (Like Violet, for example. Heh.)
Roy: Ugh, Dad!
Eugene: But you didn’t give me much choice! Maybe if you took the time to fix what you’d broken, I wouldn’t have need to.
Roy: Huh??
Eugene: The sword, Roy, the sword. You know, our family heirloom? What, you think I can just pop in and talk to anyone? What kind of afterlife do you think they’re running here?
Roy: Dad, just slow down and explain exactly what you’re saying.
Eugene: Sigh. I weep for your dying grey matter. OK, here it goes: The Greenhilt sword, the symbol of our family-the sword you’re carrying around right now-is the metaphysical link that allows me to appear to you in spectral form. Once it was broken, I couldn’t manifest freely anymore, and was bound by all the normal rules for dead spirits.
Roy: So that’s why you haven’t shown up for all these months?
Eugene: Yes! Of course!
Roy: I see… And this isn’t like that time you missed my 7th grade school play?
Eugene: I told you. I was on the Astral Plane on business! Let it drop!

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Non-startling Revelations
Roy, Eugene, Flumph, Tony, Shojo

Roy: That still doesn’t explain how you got mixed up with Shojo.
Eugene: Don’t get your codpiece in a knot, I’m not done yet.
<flashback>
Eugene: <voiceover> I tried to appear to you after you blew up the castle, but with the sword broken, I was out of luck. You couldn’t see or hear me.
Flumph: Why isn’t anyone calling a cleric?
Eugene: <voiceover> I did, however, spot a scrying sensor that was examining the wreckage, and was able to trace it back to the diviners of Azure City.
Eugene: Detect Scrying!
Eugene: <voiceover> Moments later, I sensed Shojo’s clerics attempting to summon a celestial to dispense advice, so I high tailed it back to the Upper Planes and… intervened.
Eugene: Nothing personal, Tony!
Tony: Mmmph!
Eugene: <voiceover> Shojo and I consulted, and we hatched a plan to get you down here to the South so we both could talk to you-without tipping off those pesky paladins.
Shojo: Deal?
Eugene: I can’t shake hands, I’m incorporeal.
<end flashback>
Eugene: I’ve been stuck here ever since, unfortunately. I can’t leave the circle… and if I return to the Upper Planes, I’m pretty sure they won’t let me respond to any more summoning spells for a while.
Roy: Wow… so you went through all that trouble just so you could talk to me and congratulate me on defeating Xykon and fulfilling your oath? You really do care…
Eugene: Congratulate? I’m not here to congratulate you, you numbskull! You screwed up! Not that I should have expected differently from a fighter.
Roy: Excuse me??
Eugene: Xykon is alive!!
Roy: What??
Eugene: Well, I don’t mean actually alive. Technically, he’s still dead, just not, you know, DEAD-dead. He’s undead, right, so he’s up and moving around, even though he’s still life signs: negative. But it’s not like he just spontaneously came back to life. I mean, he DID come back spontaneously, but back to, uh, undeath, I suppose.
Roy: Just curious, do you get XP for killing this dramatic moment?

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This is Getting to Be a Habit...
Roy, Eugene

Roy: Xykon is alive??
Eugene: Well, technically-
Roy: Don’t. How is that possible?
Eugene: He’s got a thingmajabber that holds his soul in place when his body gets destroyed. After a while, it grows him a new one to inhabit. I saw his lackeys escape, so the smart money says he’s back by now. The deal I made with Shojo was if he gets you down here, I would get you to work for him. This gate thing of his is the perfect way to find the miserable cretin and destroy him. Only, you know, for REAL this time.
Roy: Yeah? Well, I think there might be a flaw in your plan, Dad, because… Well, because screw you.
Eugene: What??
Roy: I would love to say that I couldn’t believe that my own father would mess with my life like this, to the point of getting me imprisoned and nearly killed-but I know better. You’re exactly selfish enough to do this to your own son, just to quench your own thirst for vengeance. You can’t even pretend you did all of this for the greater good, because you didn’t even know about the gates until Shojo told you.
Eugene: Now wait just a-
Roy: ZIP IT! Everything about this has disaster written all over it. Shojo can’t be trusted. You certainly can’t be trusted. This whole “job offer” stinks worse than an otyugh covered in sauerkraut on a hot day. And yet, I’m going to accept it anyway. As much as I loathe how you’ve manipulated my friends and me, Xykon is an actual threat. I’m not going to sit and let him get away with whatever he’s got planned just because my father happens to be a self-absorbed arrogant jerk. There are too many lives at stake. I just want you, personally, to know: If it weren’t for the threat to the entire world, I would tell you to shove your “blood oath” against Xykon up your wrinkled incorporeal ass.

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Contracts, Shmontracts
Roy, Elan, Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Belkar

Roy: …and when we were done negotiating terms with Shojo, we came to find you guys. Now here’s the thing: According to these contracts that you all signed when I first hired you, you’re all bound to assist me until Xykon is defeated “once and for all.”
Elan: <whispering> Pssst! Who’s the guy in blue? A paladin?
Durkon: <whispering> I dinnae know.
(D): I don’t know.
Roy: So I don’t actual need to ask for your help you’re contractually obligated to follow me from now on.
Elan: OK, so, when do we leave to--
<sfx> RIP!
Roy: Forget the contracts. They’re null and void as a Second Edition sourcebook, as of right now.
Durkon: Hmm?
Elan: I don’t get it.
<sfx> RIP!
Roy: The last thing I want is to be like Shojo, twisting legal authority into coercion. If I use these contracts to force you to join me, I’m no better than he is. And if I keep tricking some of you into joining me, I’m no better than my father.
<sfx> rip! rip! rip! rip!
Roy: I’m going after Xykon, and I’m going to milk Shojo for every last resource I can to do it. You’re all free to join me or not, as you wish.
Durkon: Count me in, lad.
Elan: I wanna go too!
Vaarsuvius: Yes, I believe I will accompany you as well.
Roy: Great! One more thing though… We’re going to have an addition to the party, beyond the five of us… See, when I was discussing terms with Shojo, it became clear to me that I was holding all of the cards… And as luck would have it, one of those cards read, “Get Out of Jail Free”.
Elan & Durkon: Belkar!?
Belkar: Call me “paladin” again and I’ll punch you in the face Blondie. Actually, I may punch you in the face anyway, just for the novelty of being able to reach…

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Belkar Leashed
Durkon, Roy, Belkar, Vaarsuvius, Elan, Illusory Belkar, Joemin the Guard, Other Guard

Durkon: Ye got Belkar released? Have ye gone daft??
(D): You got Belkar released? Have you gone insane??
Belkar: Hey, and a happy “Good Morning” to you, too, loser.
Roy: Not released, per se… More like, “out on bail”. He’ll still be tried for killing that guard, but I was able to convince Shojo that it was in his best interest to schedule that trial for a later date. Like, for example, the week AFTER we finish Xykon. Until then, he’s been remanded to my custody, and his split of the treasure will go towards paying for the guard to be raised.
Durkon: Aren’t ye afraid he’ll try to escape at some point? Like, in tha next 10 minutes?
(D): Aren’t you afraid he’ll try to escape at some point? Like, in the next 10 minutes?
Roy: I have a little mystical help there, actually. Vaarsuvius, do me a favor. Come over here and scan Belkar for magic.
Vaarsuvius: Detect Magic!
Roy: See the blue rune on his forehead? It’s called the “Mark of Justice”, and it’ll be there until his trial.
Belkar: They couldn’t have put it on my arm or something, no. That would be too easy.
Roy: The mark is powerful curse that stays dormant-unless Belkar violates the terms of his release.
Vaarsuvius: And what constitutes those terms, precisely?
Roy: One, he can’t deal lethal damage to any living creature within the bounds of any city, town, or village. Two, he can’t ever be more than one mile from my position. And three, he can’t piss me off too bad, because I have a command word that can activate it. If the curse is activated, he’ll get sicker and sicker until he’ll be incapable of hurting anyone. It’s the perfect deterrent.
Belkar: I just want it to go on the record that I can still know someone’s teeth out with nonlethal damage, so no one get ideas or anything.
Vaarsuvius: Perish the thought.
Elan: Wow, Roy, Miko is sure going to flip when she hears that Belkar’s been released.
Roy: Actually, uh, we’re going to keep this little arrangement here to ourselves. In order to keep his paladins from going nuts, Shojo isn’t telling anyone about this deal. Belkar has to keep the cloak and stilts on as a disguse while in Azure City.
Elan: Isn’t someone going to notice that Belkar’s missing from his cell?
Roy: Shojo talked my dear father into providing a permanent illusion to cover things up… He’s said to be indistinguishable from the real Belkar.
Illusory Belkar: Generic comment questioning your parentage.
Joemin the Guard: Oh, that is IT! I have had it with this guy’s trash talk!
Guard: Calm down, Joemin, he’s just trying to get you riled up.
Illusory Belkar: Mumbled statement disparaging your masculinity.

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Boons
Elan, Durkon, Roy, Haley, Vaarsuvius, Belkar

Elan: OK, gotta go! Hinjo is waiting for me outside!
Durkon: Aye, I need to buy me some scrolls meself.
(D): Yeah, I need to but some scrolls myself.
Roy: Wait, guys. Before you all run off to explore the city, I’ve got good news for you. Belkar isn’t the only one I helped. In fact, I demanded one favor from Shojo for each of us. Shojo’s best clerics are going to examine Haley and try to figure out how to get her voice back.
Haley: Fgxwhlg gdga Y’j lyxh sz otwwlpwoyak ouglg ouyakl.
(H): Because even I’m sick of translating these things.
Roy: Vaarsuvius, I got you access to the library of Shojo’s personal wizard. You can copy as many spells as you like for free.
Vaarsuvius: Outstanding. Like an ideal gas, my arcane power shall expand to fill the vessel in which it is contained.
Roy: Durkon, I got Shojo to agree to send a messenger north to the dwarven homelands-specifically to the High Priest of Thor. He’ll carry a letter you write and will wait for a response. With luck, by the time we defeat Xykon, you’ll have permission to return home.
Durkon: …Bless ye, lad.
(D): …Thank you, lad.
Roy: Elan, I didn’t really know what to request for you, so I got you this.
Elan: Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! It’s- A gift certificate?
Roy: Good for one favor from Lord Shojo.
Belkar: Wow, I guess it’s the lack of thought that counts.
Elan: Thanks, Roy! What favor did you get for yourself?
Roy: I decided to share mine, actually. She’s a very special lady, in need of some tender loving care. I like to think of her as the seventh member of the team, really. She worked so hard helping me out, and she’s long overdue for her reward. In fact, I’m going now to give it to her. Later!
Elan: Awwww, that’s sweet. He must be talking about Celia.
Roy: Don’t worry, baby, we’re going to have you fixed up in no time.
<sign text> Master Swordsmith.

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Sword Speak
Roy, Azurite Blacksmith

Roy: You’re saying there is no starmetal in my sword.
Azurite Blacksmith: Correct.
Roy: None.
Azurite Blacksmith: Correct.
Roy: Not even a little?
Azurite Blacksmith: Your sword was fashioned entirely of everyday terrestrial steel, sir.
Roy: Why would that dwarf lie to me?
Azurite Blacksmith: I am a forger of swords, sir, not a speculator on dwarven motives for falsehood.
Roy: Well… I guess THIS won’t be of much sue to me.
Azurite Blacksmith: By Monkey’s tail! I have never seen such a bounty of starmetal! It would be an honor to reforge your blade as a starmetal sword, sir.
Roy: But… there’s not enough metal here for that!
Azurite Blacksmith: Sir, a blade that size made of pure starmetal would weigh 300 pounds and require the use of all of the starmetal that has ever fallen from the sky, ever. Most of ti does tend to burn up in the atmosphere, you know. An alloy of starmetal with your sword’s original steel would make a potent weapon, however.
Roy: How potent?
Azurite Blacksmith: I estimate a 25% increase in attack accuracy, with a corresponding enchantment to damage.
Roy: It’s OK, you can just say “+5 sword” here. We do stuff like that all the time.
Azurite Blacksmith: Oh. Then yes, a +5 sword. After the forging is complete, though, you may notice one…side effect.
Roy: Fantastic. Because, you know, nothing can ever be just randomly positive.
Azurite Blacksmith: It is likely your sword will sometimes glow with a deadly green energy that is particular harmful to the undead. In order to counteract this, I recommend-
Roy: No, no, I think I’ll manage to somehow struggle through.

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The Future is Forged in the Fires of Today
Durkon, Azurite Doctor, Haley, Celia, Vaarsuvius, Miko, Belkar, Azurite, Elan, Thog, Nale, Azurite Blacksmith, Roy

<sfx> CLANG! CLANG!
<cutaway>
Durkon: “Dear High Priest.” Och, nay, tha won’t work right… “O Mighty High Priest of Thor.” Nay, nay…
(D): “Dear High Priest.” Oh, no, that won’t work right… “O Mighty High Priest of Thor.” No, no…
<cutback>
<sfx> CLANNGG!
<cutaway>
Azurite Doctor: OK, stick out your tongue and say “Ahhhh!”
Haley: Xcccc!
(H): Ahhhh!
<cutback>
<sfx> CLANGG!
<cutaway>
Celia:How about this one? Do you think this will get his attention?
Vaarsuvius: I would venture a guess that he might be tired of the color blue by this point.
Celia:It’s the only color they sell here.
<cutback>
<sfx> CLANNG!
<cutaway>
Miko: To you, the Twelve Gods, I pray: Grant me the strength and wisdom to seek out and stop those who would obstruct the holy mission of the Sapphire Guard. Allow me to see through their lies to the truth.
<cutback>
<sfx> CLLANG!
<cutaway>
Belkar: Hello, fellow Medium-sized creature! How are you enjoying being Medium-sized , like me, on this lovely day?
Azurite: Just fine, thanks for asking!
<cutback>
<sfx> CLAANGG!
<cutaway>
Elan: Wow! I’m so glad everything worked out perfectly in the end, with no loose plot points to worry about!
<cutback>
<sfx> CLANNGG!
<cutaway>
Thog: soon?
Nale: Oh yes. Very soon.
<cutback>
<sfx> CLANG!
Azurite Blacksmith: There you are, sir. You should see that energy property I mentioned from time to time when you wield it.
Roy: Amazing… Just as the sword has been reforged, so too shall I reforge my oath… I swear on the sword of my ancestors that I will destroy Xykon, once and for all! GAH!!!
Azurite Blacksmith: It, uh… It might also still be a little hot.
Roy: Ow.

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A Calling Missed
Monster in the Darkness, Redcloak, Demon Roach 1, Demon Roach 2, Hobgoblin 1, Hobgoblin 2

Monster in the Darkness: Wow, everyone is so busy around here lately!
Redcloak: Yes, well, that’s because unlike you, some of us have the capacity to actually contribute to our cause.
Demon Roach 1: So this is an epilogue?
Demon Roach 2: I thought it was more of a coda.
Monster in the Darkness: I can contribute!
Redcloak: Oh? Like how?
Monster in the Darkness: Like… uh… well, how are you contributing?
Redcloak: I’m on my way to finish zombifying the monsters we killed up in the tower.
Monster in the Darkness: Yeah! I can help you with that!
Redcloak: Really? So, I guess those three boxes of mallomars you finished off somehow earned you enough XP to gain 5 levels in cleric overnight?
Monster in the Darkness: Well, they WERE especially chewy…
Redcloak: Then unless you are volunteering your services as raw materials, I don’t think you are going to be much help. Now shoo, go bug someone else for a bit.
Roach 1: G’way, kid, ya bother me!
Monster in the Darkness: Awww, man! I never get to do anything around here! I just sit under the umbrella and wait.
Roach 1: Cue the violins.
Monster in the Darkness: Just once-just once!-I’d like to be a valuable member of the team, needed for a critical task. You know, to know what it felt like, just one time.
Hobgoblin 1: Arrgh!!
Hobgoblin 2: What is it? What’s wrong?
Hobgoblin 1: The sun is shining right in my eyes! Oh, if only we had some form of soothing darkness available with which to protect our sensitive goblin eyes!
Hobgoblin 2: We will never finish our crucial task without some relief from the cruel sun’s scorching light.
Monster in the Darkness: Sigh… just once…

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Pick Your Doom
Xykon, Redcloak, Roach 1, Roach 2

Xykon: Redcloak! Report!
Redcloak: Well, since you asked so nicely… Animate Dead. Preparations are 98.5% complete. The bad news is that we’ve experienced 341 discipline problems among the hobgoblin troops this week. The good news is that the ghoul horde has swelled by 315 numbers.
Xykon: Well, have you--wait, only 315? What happened to the rest?
Redcloak: The, uh… the ghouls do get hungry, sir.
Xykon: Have you analyzed those gate locations I deciphered?
Redcloak: Yes sir, I have them right here on color-coded parchments.
Xykon: Wow, you really are a dork, aren’t you?
Redcloak: This is the first location. As you can see, it is across the ocean. Unless you are willing to invest heavily in water wings, I don’t see us getting this many minions over water.
Xykon: Hey! I’ve got an idea!
Redcloak: So help me, if you make me sail a ship made of hobgoblin corpses across the ocean, I will find a way to make you pay. Moving on… This is the second location. It is located far to the north. In order to get there, we’d have to march through eight human nations.
Xykon: Can’t we just conquer them?
Redcloak: Well, yes, but I’m not sure they’re worth our time, sir.
Xykon: Redcloak, we’re literally out to conquer the world here. In what way is conquering eight parts of that world not worth our time?
Redcloak: When we can get the same goal accomplished by only conquering one part of it. Here’s the third location. It will take several weeks to reach it, but most of the path is through wilderness. There’s only one little nation to deal with, and we’ll control the gate that we need. The best part is WHICH nation we get to conquer.
Xykon: Nice! You’ve sold me. Send the word down the line, Redcloak. That’s our destination. Next Stop: Azure City. (If anyone has to pee before we get started, now’s the time.)
Roach 1: Ooooo, splash page!
Roach 2: Must be the end of a story arc.

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A Brief Intermission
Milk Dudes, Soda, Popcorn, Pizza, Nachos, Soy Latté

<sign text> And now a brief INTERMISSION ~
<box text> Milk Dudes
Milk Dudes, Soda & Popcorn: <singing> Let's go out to the lobby! Let's go out to the lobby! Let's go out to the lobby - and have ourselves a snack!
Pizza: Your time has come and gone, Popcorn! Today's patron enjoys more nourishing fare... like pizza!
Nachos:: Or Nachos!
Soy Latté: Or soy lattés!
Popcorn: You fools! We've been loved by moviegoers for over 50 years! Do you know the kind of power that gives us? We have become like unto tiny refreshing GODS!
<sfx> BZZZZZAP!
Soda: Milk Dudes! No!
Milk Dudes: Promise me one thing, Soda...
Soda: Anything, old friend.
Milk Dudes: Promise me... that you'll... *cough* ... you'll dispose of my body in the waste receptacles... conveniently located by the theater exits...
Soda: NOOOOOOOO!
<sign text> We now return to The ORDER of the STICK

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