The Transcription of the Stick

[TheWombatOfDoom]

The OotS Transcript - Strips 500 to 516
Book 4: Don't Split the Party
Previous Page | Index | Next Page

Spoiler: Strip 500

Show

A Reason to Keep Trying
Eugene, Roy, Roy’s Archon, Durkon

Eugene: What’s the matter, Roy? Got bored with the free sex and booze? Decided it would be more fun to come back and kick the old man around some more?
Roy: Yeah, here’s a tip: Playing the victim isn’t going to get much traction with me. At any rate, I didn’t skip out on eternal bliss and run down a mountain for–
Roy’s Archon: Nine days.
Roy: –nine days in order to resume our scintillating conversation. I came back so I could look down at the mortal realm.
Eugene: Awww, did someone not get resurrected on schedule? Poor Roy! Well, far be it for me to interrupt you. By all means, cast your gaze upon the living.
Roy: Thanks, I will. How come all I see are white fluffy clouds?
Eugene: HA!! It’s easy, Son, it’s just like scrying. Oh! Wait! That’s right, you’re a fighter! And I bet they didn’t teach scrying in that Fighter’s College of yours, did they? Well, it looks like you’re out of luck then, my friend. A shame, since it sure has been an interesting few months down there, yessir.
Roy: *sigh* Roy’s Archon, can you help me scry on my friends?
Roy’s Archon: Umm… Actually, lantern archons like me don’t have the power to form a scrying pool out of the clouds on our own. We just hang around and wait for a planetar or a deva to come down, then we watch over their shoulder.
Eugene: Look, Dad, getting me rezzed is as important to you as it is to me, so help me look down and see why Durkon is dragging his feet.
Eugene: Say, “please”.
Roy: What?
Eugene: Say, “please”.
Roy: Please, Dad. Will you please help me scry the mortal realm?
Eugene: No.
Roy: …What?
Eugene: No. N. O. As in, “No, I will not assist you in scrying the mortal realm”*. You seeing what is happening won’t actually change any of what is transpiring, and thus isn’t at all relevant to me getting onto that mountain. Whether or not you know WHY you haven’t been raised won’t change whether or not you WILL be raised in the future. It’ll just satisfy your curiosity, and I don’t care one whit about that.
Roy: Dad, I swear, knock it off and help me–
Eugene: Or what? You won’t destroy Xykon for me? Too late on that Bluff check, Son. You made it crystal clear back in Shojo’s throne room that you felt morally obligated to tackle Xykon anyway, on account of him being such a threat to the whole world. So be pissed at me all you want, you’ll still do what I need you to when–or should I say, “if”– your soul and your body ever manage to meet up again. You’re dead, Roy. Dead and gone. You have no say in what goes down there anymore. Which means unless Xykon graciously chooses to pop up here in person and allow you to make unarmed attacks against him, you’re useless to me. Or should I say, “Even more useless”? In short, I’m done with you. Go back up the mountain and cry to your mother, little boy.
Roy: You pathetic old–No, you know what? Fine. You do what you’ve got to do. I mean, normally, I would launch into a huge sarcastic rant, but obviously that isn’t the way to solve my problems, or I wouldn’t be dead at age 28.
Roy’s Archon: Actually, 29. Your birthday was last week.
Roy: You’re not worth the trouble. I’ll find someone else to help me.
Eugene: Wait, so you’re just going to take it?
Roy: Looks like.
Eugene: Don’t you want to get a few shots in at me first?
Roy: Not really. Roy’s Archon, any chance of us finding one of those deva’s who’d be willing to help out?
Roy’s Archon: We can give it a shot, sure.
Eugene: Hey! Get back here, you moron!
Roy: No. Why should I? I’m not going to change who you are as a person by shouting a few insults at you, no matter how clever they may be. I used to think I could; that if I could just deliver the perfect retort, it would open your eyes a little. But if everything you’ve been through with Mom and Eric and Grandpa and the literal forces of the cosmos hasn’t made you want to be a better man, I doubt a one-liner from me is going to do the trick now. You are who you are, and every time I stoop to the level of engaging you with another angry tirade, I’m a little more like you and a little less like Mom. So, see you around, I guess.
Eugene: Oh, I get it. You’re trying to trick me.
Roy: What? Uh, no, Dad, I honestly don’t want you to scry for me. I don’t need to stress in my life. Uh, afterlife.
Eugene: Well, I can play along, if only so that I can be there when your pathetic attempt at reverse psychology fails.
Roy: No, I really don’t want your help anymore. I’ll find someone else, really.
Eugene: Listen to me, young man, you will stand there and watch as I scry for you and you will like it, because I am your father.
Roy: …You do know that you don’t make any sense, right? OK, fine. If your ego can’t grasp not being crucial to everything I say or do, then go ahead and scry for me. On one condition.
Eugene: Name it.
Roy: When I eventually destroy Xykon and you are let into the afterlife? You never go to Mom’s house there. Not even once. You can go anywhere else on the mountain, but not there. You disappear, and your family enjoys eternity without you.
Eugene: That’s it?? Agreed.
Roy: Swear. For what it’s worth.
Eugene: I swear.
Roy: I don’t know what’s more depressing: That you agreed so easily, or that I knew that you would when I proposed it.
Eugene: What’s that supposed to mean?
Roy: Don’t worry about it. Fire up the scrying pool, Dad.
Eugene: You’ll need to concentrate on one person at a time to scry properly.
Roy: Let’s start with Durkon, then. I want to know why he hasn’t raised me yet. Durkon… Durkon Thundershield… Durkon Thundershield…Durkon…
Durkon: … by tha power invest’d in me by tha gods… I now pronounce ye, “Man an’ Wife.”
(D): … by the power invested in me by the gods… I now pronounce you, “Man and Wife.”

Spoiler: Strip 501

Show

No Cure for the Wedding Bells Blues
Durkon, Kazumi, Daigo, Thor, Loki, Hinjo, Wedding Guests, Elan, Lien

Durkon: Ye may now kiss tha bride.
(D): You may now kiss the bride.
<sfx> smooch!
Kazumi: Thanks again, Durkon.
Durkon: Aye, well, I still dinnae why you didn’t just have Hinjo marry ye two. ‘e’s at least a follower o’ tha Southern Gods.
(D): Sure, well, I still don’t why you didn’t just have Hinjo marry you two. He’s at least a follower of the Southern Gods.
Daigo: Yeah, but he’s also a paladin…
Daigo: <whispering>…So we thought he might be disappointed by the whole, ”already eight weeks pregnant ,” thing.
Durkon: Och, aye, I suppose so. Luckily, Thor understands these things…
(D): Oh, yeah, I suppose so. Luckily, Thor understands these things…
<cutaway>
Thor: It’s not my fault! She never told me she was a fertility goddess!
Loki: She has flowers in her hair and bluebirds singing around her head. Who do you think she was, the bringer of pestilence?
<cutback>
Hinjo: Friends, if you all might gather around. I have a few words to say. Joyous occasions have been all too rare for some time now. It has been almost four months since our fleet first set sail from Azure City. It has been a very trying time, as I’m sure I don’t need to tell anyone here.
<flashback>
Hinjo: <voiceover> We have sailed to four ports since then, each belonging to a Southern nation that we thought of as our ally. We have asked each government to join in our fight to take back our homeland-and four times, we have been refused. Some nations were willing to take in refugees, others provided us with critical supplies, but none have been willing to stand against the lich, for fear of being his next target.
<end flashback>
Hinjo: Throughout this difficult time, however, two of our common citizens have responded with grace and courage to the burdens that have been thrust upon us all. While they may have begun their public service as mere infantry, Kazumi and Daigo have served me loyally in this time of exile, above and beyond their original station.
<flashback>
Hinjo: <voiceover> In particular, their work recruiting new soldiers from refugees evacuated from Azure City is of critical importance… despite many setbacks.
<end flashback>
Hinjo: If we are to ever rebuild our nation, we need the leadership of good people like them. It is therefore my deep honor not only to bless their marriage, but to also recommend that their new family be granted a title of nobility.
Kazumi: What??
Daigo: Us? You’re kidding?!?
Hinjo: Congratulations to both of you. Try to do a better job than our current crop of nobles.
Daigo: Thank you, Lord Hinjo.
Hinjo: Now you two better get working on a heir, I suppose.
Kazumi: Um… we promise to not disappoint, sir.
Hinjo: Well, then to the success of House D-
Daigo: Actually, I think we’ll use Kazumi’s surname, sir. We’re still saving mine, just in case.
Hinjo: To House Kato, then! May the Twelve Gods bless your union forever!
Wedding Guests: To House Kato!
Elan: *sniff* So beautiful!
Lien: Let me guess: He always cries at weddings, right?
Durkon: Och, nay, na at all. ‘E always cries at good plot exposition.
(D): Oh, no, not at all. He always cries at good plot exposition.
Elan: Did you see how smoothly we worked in into the narrative dialogue? *sob!*

Spoiler: Strip 502

Show

And I-I-I-I Will Always Love You
Elan, Hinjo

Elan: Hey Hinjo, I was hoping I could talk to you for a-
Hinjo: Elan, now isn’t really a good time. This is the first celebration these people have had since the fall of the city. I need to appear to be enjoying myself. It’s important for morale. Go, have a few drinks.
Elan: I can’t! I’m on duty!
Hinjo: Here we go again…
Elan: My best friend Roy dies while serving as your bodyguard, so I’m honor-bound to protect you until he returns. Or until you finally get killed. Although I could continue protecting your corpse, I suppose. I mean, the job’s called a bodyguard, not a personguard.
Hinjo: And this is why I rest easy every night.
Elan: I know. Sometimes I watch. Besides, how can I relax when Haley is still missing? We need to go back to Azure City for her!
Hinjo: If we were certain that she was there, I might consider it. But your own spellcasters haven’t been able to contact her magically, despite trying dozens of times. And scrying has failed to show anything that’s going on in Azure City. We don’t even know she’s still there. After this many weeks, she could be anywhere in the world. Assuming, of course, that she’s not-
Elan: She is NOT dead.
Hinjo: I hope you’re right. But I won’t sail back to Azure City on the slim hope that she’s still there. It’s too dangerous. When we’ve found allies and built our own forces back up, we can retake the city and maybe we’ll find some clue about what happened. You and your friends are free to leave at any port, but I can’t spare a ship on a suicide mission for one person.
Elan: I don’t think Durkon and Vaarsuvius would go with me if I left right now…
Hinjo: Well, if you can’t get your own people to agree, I don’t know what you expect from me, Elan.
Elan: But that’s not fair! We sailed away by accident! We need to go back and-
Hinjo: No, Elan. That’s my final decision. Bring me solid information, and we’ll talk. Until then, there is nothing I can do.
Elan: … Yes, Hinjo.
Hinjo: And for the last time, take off that ridiculous eyepatch!
<sfx> snap!
Elan: Aww, how am I suppose to be a good bodyguard if I don’t look mysterious?? I knew I should have gotten a prison tattoo when I had the chance back in Cliffport!

Spoiler: Strip 503

Show

Surreptitious Admirer
Kubota, Hinjo, Elan, Qarr, Therkla

Kubota: Hinjo! This is a travesty!
Hinjo: That’s LORD Hinjo, Kubota.
Elan: Yeah!
Hinjo: Shush, Elan.
Kubota: You cannot promote two filthy infantry to the nobility!
Hinjo: I certainly can, provided the Twelve Gods agree.
Kubota: But there is a certain refined behavior that comes hand-in-hand with the aristocracy that two common soldiers will never grasp.
Elan: Oh yeah? And does this sending ninja assassin guys after Hinjo in the middle of a battle count as this “refined behavior”?
Kubota: This again? As I patiently explained to the magistrate, those assassins were obviously sent by one of my rivals, and only claimed to work for me as part of an intricate plan to frame me. Since they are now dead and can no longer be directly questioned, I suppose we will never know who was behind just a treasonous act. That WAS your only evidence of my involvement, wasn’t it?
Hinjo: Technically, yes.
Elan: But… that’s just a loopyhole! We KNOW you did it!
Kubota: I have better things to do with my time than stand here and be insulted by some foreigner. I am returning to my ship.
Elan: Ooooo, I hate that guy! Why can’t we throw him in jail?
Hinjo: Because we have yet to prove that he’s done anything wrong. The only magistrate who escaped the city says there’s not even enough evidence to warrant a trial. There will be a day when Kubota will be brought to justice, but not today. As long as he controls the most powerful house-and has the backing of so many other families-any accusation without enough evidence would surely lead to civil war.
Elan: But you’re, like, the king! Or something!
Hinjo: I wish it were that simple. But just because I’m ruler doesn’t give me the right to circumvent the written laws. Otherwise, I’m no better than my uncle.
Elan: What was so bad about your uncle?
Qarr: Can you hear me, Therkla?
Therkla: Yes, your telepathy is coming through loud and clear.
Qarr: Has Kubota left the vessel?
Therkla: Yes, all goes to plan. Hinjo has had several drinks, and is guarded only by the Northerner.
Qarr: Which one?
Therkla: The human with the golden hair. And sparking blue eyes… creamy skin…
Qarr: Uh, yes, well… I’ll order the attack.
Therkla: …lithe but well-muscled body… inviting lips…
Qarr: I’m not sure I’m comfortable with where this reconnaissance is headed…

Spoiler: Strip 504

Show

That's A Surprisingly Common Reaction
Durkon, Vaarsuvius

Durkon: Vaarsuvius? Are ye still down ‘ere? I haven’t seen ye in a few weeks… Come up an’ join tha party… Thor’s bicuspid! What’s all this?
(D): Vaarsuvius? Are you still down here? I haven’t seen you in a few weeks… Come up and join the party… Thor’s bicuspid! What’s all this?
Vaarsuvius: I am devising a new divination spell. I have almost completed it. As of yet, every existing divination or communication spell that wither you or I have cast has failed to locate Miss Starshine- so it stands to reason that a new spell of great potency might succeed, if only on account of it not being specifically blocked by the effect.
Durkon: Vaarsuvius, ye know tha we need ta be focusin’ our energy on findin’ Girard’s Gate, na Haley and Roy.
(D): Vaarsuvius, you know that we need to be focusing our energy on finding Girard’s Gate, not Haley and Roy.
Vaarsuvius: In fact, I know no such thing.
Durkon: Look, I’ve known Roy longer ‘n any o’ ye. An I know tha if he were here, he’d want us ta protect tha Gate an’ forget aboot rescuin’ ‘im.
(D): Look, I’ve known Roy longer than any of you. And I know that if he were here, he’d want us to protect the Gate and forget about rescuing him.
Vaarsuvius: If he were here, there would be no NEED to rescue him. He would already be here.
Durkon: Ye know wha I mean! If’n I had his corpse, I’d raise ‘im this instant, but wha good will it do ta throw our lives away after ‘is? Haley tried, an’ now she’s lost too.
(D): You know what I mean! If I had his corpse, I’d raise him this instant, but good will it do to throw our lives away after his? Haley tried, and now she’s lost too.
Vaarsuvius: Of course it is easy for you to forsake them. It is not your fault they became trapped behind enemy lines.
Durkon: V, no one blames ye fer runnin’ when ye ran out o’ spells then…
(D): V, no one blames you for running when you ran out of spells then…
Vaarsuvius: Of course not. Fleeing at that point was the only sound tactical decision. I am saying I am to blame for my magic not being powerful enough to avoid that situation in the first place. I could have saved the lives of countless soldiers with only a slightly greater application of arcane force, but I did not possess the capacity. I could not even protect myself from the death knight-I needed a thinly veiled deus ex machina to save my life! Do you remember when I was obsessed day in and out over gaining more knowledge? What happened? I wasted my time on… on juvenile pranks with a sociopathic halfling! I will not make the same mistake again. I will not allow Miss Starshine to continue to suffer because my spells continue to fail! For this purpose, I have researched this new spell: Vaarsuvius’ Enhanced Scrying! Show me Haley Starshine!!
<spell text> The person cannot be displayed. The person you are looking for is unavailable…location might be experiencing technical difficulties, …may need to adjust your scry settings. Try the following: Click the Refresh spell, or try again later. …spoke the person’s name aloud, make sure that it was pronounced correctly.
Vaarsuvius: NOOOOOOOO!!!

Spoiler: Strip 505

Show

...Or We Will All Stick Separately
Elan, Vaarsuvius, Durkon

Elan: Hey, did someone in here just drop to their knees and scream, ”Noooooo”? I got a feeling… Wow, V, you look terrible!
Vaarsuvius: I appreciate you sparing my vanity.
Elan: Have you slept?
Vaarsuvius: Given that I am still an elf, and elves do not sleep, I would venture that the answer to that question shall remain, “No.” However, I have not tranced in… some time.
Durkon: V was writin’ a new scryin’ spell ta find Haley all this time.
(D): V was writing a new scrying spell to find Haley all this time.
Elan: Really?? Did it work?
Vaarsuvius: It did not. Either there remains some magic more powerful than any I can capable of overcoming which is willfully blocking my efforts… Or Miss Starshine is not able to be found as a result of her being-
Elan: She is NOT dead.
Vaarsuvius: …Of course.
Durkon: Na ta sound callous, but don’t either o’ ye rememb’r tha our priority is ta save tha world, na two people?
(D): Not to sound callous, but don’t either of you remember that our priority is to save the world, not two people?
Vaarsuvius: Durkon, there are two people that we know that unequivocally can tell us where Girard’s Gate is located. Lord Shojo and Sire Greenhilt, since Shojo gave Sir Greenhilt directions when we first came into his employment. Hinjo and Lien do not possess the knowledge, as the ill-advised Soon’s Oath kept them from knowing any solid data on the other gates, including their precise location. Ergo, any attempt to locate and resuscitate Sir Greenhilt is also the most reliable means of finding Girard’s Gate, is it not?
Durkon: Aye, except ye been tryin’ ta find Roy an Haley fer 3 months, an yer na closer than when ye started! Time ta change plans!
(D): Yeah, except you’ve been trying to find Roy and Haley for 3 months, and you’re not closer than when you started! Time to change plans!
Vaarsuvius: My analysis indicates that finding Girard’s Gate directly is highly unlikely because-
Durkon: Yer analysis? Or yer guilt?
(D): Your analysis? Or your guilt?
Vaarsuvius: Unlike yourself, I do not allow my emotional state to interfere with my-
Elan: HEY!! Both of you, calm down! We’ll figure this out and save them both, but we can’t fight about it! This is, like, a billion times harder than anything we’ve ever had to do without Roy, and we’re only going to get through it by sticking together! Because we’re the Order of the Stick! Get it? By sticking together?
Durkon: Och, lad, tha was horrible.
(D): Ah, lad, that was horrible.
Vaarsuvius: But his point is valid nonetheless. I apologize.
Durkon: Aye, me too.
Elan: Great! So now that that’s settled, Hinjo asked me to tell you both that there’s a raiding party of sea trolls attacking the wedding reception… I was suppose to mention that first, wasn’t I?

Spoiler: Strip 506

Show

Flanking Crush
Durkon, Elan, Therkla, Qarr, Hinjo, Troll

Durkon: Och! Lookae all o’ tha trolls! Where’s a billy goat gruff when ya need one?
(D): Wow! Look at all of the trolls! Where’s a billy goat gruff when you need one?
Elan: I need to get back and protect Hinjo!
Therkla: The distraction is working: Hinjo is unguarded.
Qarr: Then strike, Therkla! Strike now!
<sfx> POW!
Elan: Excuse me! Coming through!
Hinjo: It’s about time, Elan!
Elan: Durkon and V are handling the other end of the ship.
Hinjo: Be careful, they seem pretty enraged for some reason.
Elan: I guess you’d say they’re regen-irate!
Troll: i don’t get it.
Elan: Uh-oh, I may need to dumb down my puns.
Hinjo: The gods help us all.
Elan: Hi!
Therkla: Oh!
Elan: Sorry I knocked you over before, I didn’t see you there.
Therkla: Oh, don’t worry, that happens all the time. ‘Cause, you know. Ninja.
Elan: Hey, get around to the other side of this troll, we’ll flank it.
Therkla: What? No, I’m- I mean, sure, OK. That’s cool with me. Ohmygods, ohmygods, we’re flanking together! He is sooooo into me! YES!
Qarr: What did you say?
Therkla: Nothing! Uh, no, nothing. I’ve… uh… encountered resistance.
Qarr: What kind of resistance?
Therkla: The sexy kind.
Qarr: What?
Therkla: I said, “The dexterous kind.”
Qarr: Oh.
Troll: hey, i thought you were on our side!
Therkla: <whispering> Just shut up and stand still.
Elan: Looks like we’re in con-TROLL of this battle now! Ha ha!
<sfx> schklurt!
Therkla: Ha ha ha, that was really- WHOA!!
<sfx> whump!
Elan: Hey, thanks for the flank, whoever you-
<sfx> sploosh!
Elan: Huh. Where did she go?

Spoiler: Strip 507

Show

Fantasy Troll-Playing Game
Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Lien, Hinjo, Elan

Durkon: Izzit just me, or does this boat seem ta get attacked by monsters WAY too often?
(D): Is it just me, or does this boat seem to get attacked by monsters WAY too often?
Vaarsuvius: I believe that is why they have been dubbed, “Random Encounters,” rather than “Statistically Probable Encounters.”
Durkon: Aye, I guess, but this month alone we’ve fought locathah, sahuagin, merrows, an’ now sea trolls. It’s like Aquatic Subtype’s Greatest Hits ‘round ‘ere.
(D): Yeah, I guess, but this month alone we’ve fought locathah, sahuagin, merrows, and now sea trolls. It’s like Aquatic Subtype’s Greatest Hits around here.
<sfx> THONK!
Vaarsuvius: I fail to see the problem. More encounters lead to more experience, which leads to a higher level-and a greater chance of defeating whatever effect is impeding my scrying efforts. My only regret is that the majority of the marauders we have clashed with so far have been so effortlessly vanquished.
Lien: Easy for you to say, you’re already high level. But we’re losing good men and women with each attack.
Durkon: Aye, lass, we know. These two’ve killed and cooked, how else can we help?
(D): Lien, we know. These two have killed and cooked, how else can we help?
Lien: Two fishing vessels sailing off the port stern have troll boarders as well. Can you two handle them and heal any wounded citizens?
Durkon: Aye, we’ll take care o’ it.
(D): Yeah, we’ll take care of it.
Vaarsuvius: Fly.
Durkon: Uh… which side is-
(D): Uh… which side is-
Lien: For the five hundredth time, port is THAT way.
Durkon: Sorry. It’s na something ye really think’ll come up too much when yer a dwarf…
(D): Sorry. It’s not something you really think will come up too much when you’re a dwarf…
Lien: Lord Hinjo, are you OK?
Hinjo: Yeah, we just killed the last of them.
Elan: This wedding is now troll-free!
Hinjo: I’m confused though. I remember reading that trolls could heal all their wounds-even from death-unless you used fire or acid to kill them.
Elan: Yeah, we just stabbed them a lot and they fell over.
Lien: That’s because they were scrags. Aquatic trolls. They only regenerate when immersed in water. What did you guys do with the trolls’ corpses, anyway?
Hinjo: …
Elan: We dumped them overboard.

Spoiler: Strip 508

Show

Sure Beats Flatware
Durkon, Vaarsuvius, Hinjo, Lien, Kazumi, Daigo

Durkon: …an’ by tha time we got thar, tha first boat had lost 14 crewmen, but tha second…
(D): …and by the time we got there, the first boat had lost 14 crewmen, but the second…
Vaarsuvius: There were no survivors.
Hinjo: Twelve Gods damn them!
Lien: Sir, I’ve known many sailors, and our trading routes have never suffered this many monster attacks.
Hinjo: I was hoping that one of our allies would allow the entire fleet to land, but I can’t wait for that anymore. We’re too vulnerable to attack when we’re spread out over the entire fleet. I won’t let entire ships of civilians get picked off one at a time. We need to find an uninhabited patch of land and settle temporarily. Only then can we protect ourselves AND focus on the task of reclaiming our home.
Lien: Yes, sir. The citizens can help us build a colony.
Hinjo: Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of a fort…
Elan: Oooo! I know! How about a walled city with a big castle? Oh, right. We already had one of those.
Vaarsuvius: This discussion is fascinating, truly, but I must attend to other business elsewhere.
Durkon: Wait, where are ye going?
(D): Wait, where are you going?
Vaarsuvius: Back to my research. I need to utilize my new scrying spell to look for the halfling, as well as Sir Greenhilt (on the off-chance that he was raised without our intervention). I do not expect any success, but for the sake of thoroughness I must attempt it. After that, I will begin to research another new spell and cast it with regards to each of the three, and so on and so forth until I locate one of them. Perhaps if I enchanted some sort of finding-animal and send it out to search…
Durkon: But we need yer spells up here ta-
(D): But we need your spells up here to-
Vaarsuvius: I see no need for further discussion. Do not disturb me for anything with a Challenge Rating lower than 11.
Elan: Wow, V sure is dedicated to finding our friends!
Durkon: I suppose. Or ‘e’s just dedicated to winning.
(D): I suppose. Or he’s just dedicated to winning.
Elan: What do you mean?
Durkon: …It’s na important. Let’s help wit tha clean-up.
(D): … It’s not important. Let’s help with the clean-up.
Elan: I feel bad for Kazumi and Daigo, you know. Their whole wedding reception got trashed!
Durkon: Dinnae worry, lad. They got a weddin’ gift tha more than makes up fer it.
(D): Don’t worry, Elan. They got a wedding gift that more than makes up for it.
Elan: You mean being ennobled?
Durkon: Better.
(D): Better.
<cutover>
<sfx> DING! DING!
Kazumi: Welcome to 6th level, honey.
Daigo: I love you.

Spoiler: Strip 509

Show

It Has Flowers, Hearts, and a DC 30 Lock
Kubota, Servant, Therkla, Qarr

Kubota: -and I want chilled caviar served at my coronation dinner. Nothing but the finest.
Servant: Daimyo, we have limited supplies on board. Where would we get-
Kubota: It’s fish eggs. We’re on the ocean. Twelve Gods, work it out somehow. Therkla! I take it from your return that this tedious event planning is worth the effort. Shojo’s whelp sleeps with the fishes.
Therkla: Well… he sleeps sort of near the fishes. Because he’s on a boat. Does that count?
Kubota: Oh, Therkla, my dear. Please, please PLEASE tell me you’re not getting seawater on my imported rug without better news than that!
Therkla: I’m sorry, Master. I have failed you again.
Qarr: I knew it! See, Kubota, I knew that the half-orc could not longer be trusted! I kept getting feelings through the telepathic link. Strange, tingly feelings… coupled with an urge to write them down in my diary…
Kubota: Nonsense, little one. Therkla has been my most trusted assassin for seven years.
Therkla: Yeah, I’ve been here a lot longer than you have-ever since I graduated valedictorian from Ninja School.
<flashback>
Therkla: I am salutatorian-no more!
<sfx> SPLURTCH!
<end flashback>
Kubota: Her loyalty to me is beyond reproach. I will not hear of it again. Though I am starting to doubt her effectiveness…
Therkla: No, Master, you don’t understand! It’s that bodyguard of Hinjo’s! He’s too clever!
Kubota: The bodyguard AGAIN? Odd. I had been left with the distinct impression that he was a simple-minded buffoon who had lucked into success by following the dwarf and the elf…
Therkla: Not at all, Master. That is simply…uh…a cunning façade. Beneath lurks a canny warrior!
Qarr: Then perhaps our next move should focus on killing the just the bodyguard.
Kubota: Yes, Qarr, that would seem prudent to-
Therkla: NO!!! I mean…um…he’s far too strong for any assassination attempt to work! We need to…uh…distract him! Find a way of getting him away from Hinjo, so that we wouldn’t hurt him. I mean, so that he won’t hurt us.
Kubota: I suppose. The two of you coordinate the details, then.
Qarr: Maybe a plan that doesn’t involve me charming a few dozen monsters, for once?
Therkla: Ok. I just need to stop by my quarters and write something down before I forget the details.
Qarr: HA! See? I told you! Diary!
Therkla: It’s not a crime to keep a poetry journal! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THE MYSTERIES OF MY HEART!

Spoiler: Strip 510

Show

Killer View
Roy, Eugene, Roy's Archon

Roy: OK, OK, turn it off. I can’t watch another moment of those double-crossers.
Eugene: I don’t see what the noble has to do with the-
Roy: Not Kubota, Dad, my friends! They went a got themselves a new villain behind my back, those two-timing jerks! I thought we had a quest that was special, but they’re off having their deaths planned by some OTHER evil mastermind.
Roy’s Archon: Now, Roy, it’s a big narrative. It’s understandable that they’d want to sow their oats with some B-list antagonist. I know it hurts now, but they’ll come crawling back to your main plot sooner or later.
Roy: I guess you’re right… At least I know why they haven’t raised me: they don’t have my corpse yet. I wonder what’s happened to it…It’s sort of weird not knowing where my body is. Kinda like losing your wallet. You just have to hope no one’s doing anything too illegal with the contents. Hey, wait- Can we just scry on my corpse? That would be a lot easier.
Eugene: Nope. I can only scry on people. Your body is an object now-a big, dumb object most suited for use as a battering ram or a shield. So, you know, pretty much the same as when you were alive.
Roy: Crap. And we can’t scry on Haley, because that’s-
Eugene: Hold on there, Object-Man, who said we can’t scry on your redhead chick?
Roy: Well, I figured since V had so much trouble…
Eugene: Son, this ain’t some elf’s toy crystal ball here. This is the View From Above. This is where the celestials come to watch us. There’s scrying power to spare. Check it out:
<cloud text> epic inside
Eugene: You want to scry on your friend, let’s scry on her.
Roy’s Archon: If she is alive and on the mortal plane, we should be able to see her.
Roy: Wow. It’s even weirder for stuff to just work out in my favor like that…
Eugene: Hey, maybe we’ll get lucky and she’ll be in the shower.
Roy: Dad! She’s a co-worker!
Eugene: What? It’s not like I haven’t looked down to check out her knockers before…
Roy: DAD!!
Eugene: Fine, fine. What was her full name again?
Roy: Haley Starshine. Haley… Haley Starshine… Haley Starshine… Haley…
<wall text> DEATH TO HUMANS

Spoiler: Strip 511

Show

Guerillas in Their Midst
Prisoner, Hobgoblin 1, Hobgoblin Wizard, Hobgoblin 2, Haley, Isamu, Thanh, Niu

<sfx> KRACKK!!
Prisoner: AHH!
Hobgoblin 1: Reporting for duty.
Hobgoblin Cleric: Welcome to the granary, then. I don’t know what your pervious assignment was, but I’ll find you in on the basics. Your job really boils down to whipping these human slaves while they carry stuff from Point A to Point B.
Hobgoblins: Does the whipping make them move faster?
Hobgoblin Cleric: Not really. But it critically important to maximize the favor of the food here.
Hobgoblin 1: …What?
Hobgoblin Cleric: Well, we’re a “Usually Evil” race, so Evil food tastes better to us than Good food.
Hobgoblin 2: And Evil food starts by whipping the slaves who carry it.
Hobgoblin Cleric: Their screams of agony will actually waft up and sweeten the food they’re carrying.
Hobgoblin 1: Wow… I never knew that.
Hobgoblin 2: It’s true. Biological fact.
Hobgoblin Cleric: Nah, we’re just messing with you. We whip them to make them move faster.
Hobgoblin 2: Ha ha ha! Oh, man, I can’t believe you bought that!
Hobgoblin Cleric: Seriously, though, this is important: If one of the elderly slaves starts to falter or slow down, you have to whip them even harder.
Hobgoblin 2: Yell at them to go faster, too.
Hobgoblin 1: Why? I mean, if they are physically incapable of going faster due to age, why whip them for it?
Hobgoblin Cleric: Well, because it’s funny.
Hobgoblin 2: I nearly pee myself laughing when when they fall down like a wet sack of sticks.
Hobgoblin Cleric: Ooo! Look, there’s one slowing down now.
Hobgoblin 2: New guy, the honor is yours.
Hobgoblin Cleric: Now, make sure you have a good grip on the handle, and don’t forget to follow through.
Hobgoblin 2: Pretend you’re Harrison Ford.
<sfx> snap!
Hobgoblin Cleric: Oh, right. Forgot to mention. Whenever you start to whip an elderly slave, there’s about a 60% chance that some sort of hero will show up to stop you.
Hobgoblin 2: It really wears thin after awhile.
Hobgoblin Cleric: Hey! Who gave those slaves hoods?
Hobgoblin 1: I’m pretty sure we should be more worried about who gave them weapons.
Haley: The true slaves here are you-slaves to an insane undead monster! We came to rescue these prisoners of war, because we are- THE RESISTANCE!
Isamu: Wait- “The Resistance”? I thought we agreed we were going to call ourselves, “The Azure City Underground”?
Thanh: I thought we were going to with, “Sapphire Liberation Front”.
Niu: I still prefer, “Rebel Alliance”.
Haley: OK, OK, name notwithstanding, we’re here to free the slaves.
Isamu: But you just said that the hobgoblins were the true slaves. Does that mean-
Haley: Oh my GODS, will you shut up and start resisting someone already?!?
Isamu: Technically, I’m resisting-
Haley: Resisting someone OTHER than me?!?!
Isamu: Oh.

Spoiler: Strip 512

Show

They've Had Time to Train, Too
Haley, Niu, Thanh, Hobgoblin Wizard, Hobgoblin Tower 5, Hobgoblin Main Tower

Haley: OK, people, let’s do this like we’ve been training: In, out, and gone before anyone’s the wiser. Niu, you and Isamu round up the prisoners and get them moving toward the tunnels.
Niu: Yes, Haley.
Haley: And I want all of you carrying as much food as you can-we need supplies badly, especially if we’re ganna have more mouths to feed. Thanh, can you handle the granary guards by yourself?
Thanh: The anguished souls of a thousand unjustly slain Azurites will guide each swing of my blade.
Haley: I’ll take that as a “Yes”. Go, I’ll take out the browncoat. Good morning, gentlemen. At least, I think it’s morning. Sort of tough to tell these days, what with the giant swirling rift that blocks out the sun. Anyway, I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is, I won initiative, so you guys get a sneak attack each.
<sfx> fft! fft! fft!
Haley: The good news is, I don’t have to bother thinking up the second half to that joke, ‘cause you’re all dead now. Looks like it’s just you and me now, wizard. Hit me with your-
Hobgoblin Cleric: DANCING LIGHTS!
Haley: ..“Dancing Lights”? That’s like a 0th-level spell! Geez, what kind of low-level lame-ass spellcaster are you? You’ve got one chance before I perforate you, and you choose……Dancing……Lights.
<cutaway>
<wall text> DEATH
Tower Five: Main Tower, we’re seeing a red diamond signal in sector 18, near the granary.
Main Tower: Copy that, Tower 5, we see it too.
<cutback>
Hobgoblin Cleric: OK, so I’ve got bad news, and I’ve got bad news.

Spoiler: Strip 513

Show

Security Deposit
Hobgoblin 1, Hobgoblin 2, Hobgoblin 3, Haley, Isamu, Niu, Tsukiko, Wight 1, Wight 2

Hobgoblin 1: Red diamond? I don’t think I’ve seen that one since we started the new system.
Hobgoblin 2: Let me look it up on the chart.
<chart text> Security Advisory System. Diamond Signal. SEVERE. Encounter of Level 13+. High Chance of PCs. HIGH. Encounter of Level 9 - 12. Moderate Chance of PCs. ELEVATED. Encounter of Level 6 - 8. Low Chance of PCs. GUARDED. Encounter of Level 3 - 5. Negligible Chance of PCs.
Hobgoblin 2: Well, damn!
Hobgoblin 3: Sir, Black Squadron reports that they are ready for immediate dispatch.
Hobgoblin 2: Then send them in. And order all other units out of the area.
Haley: Change of plans! Drop any food that puts you over light encumbrance and run for the tunnels!
Isamu: What? But you said-
Haley: I know what I said! But that wizard got off some kind of signal. That means we have incoming forces, and we need to get our resistant butts out of here, NOW!
Niu: Haley, we beat these slavers easily enough, we’re ready to fight more.
Haley: I’m not expecting more hobgoblins…
<cutaway>
<sfx>BAMF!
Tsukiko: Teleport! OK, Black Squadron, now: everyone is bundled up with all of their buff spells, let’s fan out and find some insurgents.
Wight 1: Yes, Mistress Tsukiko.
Tsukiko: Remember, we’re using the Buddy System, so stick together in case one of you gets attacked.
Wight 2: Yes, Mistress Tsukiko.
Tsukiko: And if you see a Good cleric, what do you do?
Wight 1: Blow on our safety whistle.
Tsukiko: Exactly.

Spoiler: Strip 514

Show

Elan Would Be So Proud
Tsukiko, Haley, Isamu, Thanh, Wight 1, Wight 2, Belkar

Tsukiko: Hmmm… this looks like Starshine’s work… The arrows match last week’s jailbreak. Can you hear me, Haley? I’m coming for you, and this time, you won’t slip away into the darkness.
<boxes text> Gouda. Product of Cliffport. IMPORTED from GREYSKY CITY. FRAGILE. FRAGILE.
Haley: <whispering> Tsukiko. Just what I was afraid of. Did Niu make it to the tunnels with the prisoners?
Isamu: <whispering> I think so. She was leading them straight there when I lost sight of her.
Haley: <whispering> Good. Tsukiko’s Spot check sucks, but even she couldn’t miss a mob of twenty-plus freed slaves. So the rest of us just need to stay hidden until she passes by, then make a break for the tunnel. Wait- where’s Thanh?
Isamu: <whispering> Don’t know. He hasn’t come back from the granary.
Haley: <whispering> Damn it! I knew bringing him along was a mistake.
<cutaway>
Thanh: Consider this a partial downpayment on the full measure of righteous vengeance that was owned you!
Wight 1: Check it out, buddy: I think we’ve found our insurgent.
Wight 2: Nice.
Wight 1: I call dibs on his levels that are divisible by three!
Wight 2: Aw, man! You always get the best ones. Fine, I call his levels divisible by four.
Wight 1: I hope he’s not 12th level…
Thanh: Back, undead minions! You won’t be draining anything today! TURN UNDEAD!
Wight 1: Ahhh! The light! It stings in an uncomfortable manner!
<sfx> tweet! tweet! tweet!
Thanh: Very well, dark abominations, I suppose I shall pay the balance of my debt today.
Belkar: Oh, wait, crap. This is my cue, isn’t it?
<sfx> bonk!
Belkar: Sorry, would have jumped in earlier, but you know how the old saying goes: “Don’t fire until you see the eyes of their wights.”

Spoiler: Strip 515

Show

A Momentary Experience
Belkar, Wight 1, Wight 2, Wight 3, Thanh

Belkar: Now if only I could figure out some way to make them explode on impact…
Wight 1: Did-did that halfling just hit me in the face with a pineapple??
Wight 2: I think he did. Also, I think no one has ever asked that exact question in the history of civilization, so bonus points there. Grrrarrr!
Wight 3: Die!
Belkar: Step right up, gentlemen, I have two daggers, no waiting.
Thanh: You certainly took enough time to show yourself. One of us could have been killed by now.
Belkar: First of all, watch where you’re swinging that Smite Evil, Mustache-for-Brains. Second of all, I can’t injure living creatures inside the borders of a town due to the Mark of Justice, remember?
<sfx> sklunk!
Belkar: Something for which you can thank your partner-in-ridiculous-blue-facial-hair, Hinjo, for not removing BEFORE he sailed off into the sunset. I wasn’t about to show myself until I was sure we were fighting undead. At least these guys have decent Hit Dice, so I should get-
<sfx> DING!
Belkar: YES!!! New level for Belkar! Three months trapped in this lame-ass city, hiding until those few times undead showed up, and I finally earned enough XP to level! Ranger? Barbarian? Maybe an overpowered prestige class? Woooo! I am the champion, my friend! And I’ll keep on fighting to the end! Belkar gained a level! Belkar gained a level! Belkar gained-
<sfx> poke.
Belkar: Never mind.

Spoiler: Strip 516

Show

Turning Azurite, I Think I'm Turning Azurite, I Really Think So
Thanh, Belkar, Tsukiko, Wight

Thanh: The wights are vanquished. Let us make hasty our escape, that we might live to fight the forces of Evil another day.
Belkar: Yeah, hold on a moment, I think I saw something out of the corner of my eye, inside the granary.
Thanh: We do not have time to investigate.
Belkar: Hey, you may not have noticed, but I don’t succeed on many Spot checks. I’m not going to ignore it when I finally roll and natural 20. Besides, if this ends up being what I think it is, it’s worth the risk…
Thanh: Bah! You care more for your own profit than our holy mission to restore this nation’s rightful government?
Belkar: Turns out. Gee, there’s a shocker.
Thanh: Fine. I do not know what possible benefit Haley possibly sees in his continued assistance, but I need not indulge his avarice. He can find his own way-
Tsukiko: Flame Strike!
Thanh: AAAARGH!
Tsukiko: Is that him? Is that the one who turned you, my little one?
Wight: Uh huh! He made me feel funny inside!
<sfx> ZZZZAP!
Tsukiko: You big bully! I made him only four weeks ago! You’re lucky this isn’t First Edition, or we’ll see how you’d like it if someone turned YOU, paladin!
<sfx> woosh!
Thanh: You vile betrayer! You have sold out our entire civilization to outsiders!
Tsukiko: Yeah, but at least I got a good price for it. What can I say? It was a seller’s market. Besides, they were the ones who threw ME into prison for being different-for understanding that a pulse is not a prerequisite for being loved! They all got exactly what they deserved! But I guess we’ll have to settle for a different sort of turning for you. Dominate Person!
Thanh: Nnnnnno! Twelve Gods help me!
Tsukiko: Now, let’s go find that boss of yours.
Thanh: Yes, Mistress Tsukiko.
Tsukiko: Personally, I think you and Haley will both appreciate how wonderful and special the undead are after you walk a mile in their shoes…
Wight: Mistress, I’m not wearing shoes.
Tsukiko: It’s a metaphor, dearie.
Wight: Does that mean I’m getting shoes soon?
Tsukiko: No.
Wight: …Can I have his shoes?
Tsukiko: You’re really undercutting my point here, you know.

Previous Page | Index | Next Page