Mail Order Catalogue (Parts 1-4):
This is the first four pages of the Thread, collected into one place, alphabetically, by category. I'm too tired to do any more tonight, but, take a look. (Also, this took up 16 pages in my Word processor, so make of that what you will...)
Spoiler: Head
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Beats of Elvenkind: This somewhat garish and ungainly (but somehow perceived to be stylish) headgear provides to your ears the finest quality Elven Music, at the cost of dampening out all other noise. Gives Disadvantage on all Wisdom (Perception) checks based on hearing.
Diadem of Upward Inflection: The wearer always sounds like they're asking a question?
Hat of Not a Rabbit: Similar to a Bag of Many Things, you may reach into the hat and pull out just about any Beast in the MM - but never a rabbit. Saying "This time for sure!" has no effect.
Hat of Odd Jobs: Requires attunement, then is a +1 thrown weapon doing 1D6 damage but it ignores all resistance.
Monocle Of Blinding: A cursed item made with dark glass which obscures ALL mundane forms of vision. Requires the other eye to be closed for the curse to function.
Tasha's Hideous Bowler: An enchanted hat so utterly unfashionable that it causes anyone within a 20ft radius to point and snigger, but only when the wearer isn't looking.
Toupe of Tilting: It just never sits on your head in a natural position.
Spoiler: Neck
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Amulet of Cleavage When worn over any garment or armor, nicely accentuates your pectoral muscles or mammary equipment. Otherwise useless.
Amulet of Demon-Summoning: According to the inscription, the user may summon a specific Glabrezu named Qztxychtwdgb'xxiygh'fljjk'zmvpcdr'kkftpsl to their service if they can correctly pronounce his name. The inscription does not mention that mispronouncing it instantly transports the user to the Abyss without any equipment whatsoever.
Amulet of Natural Barkskin: When donned, the user's skin spouts numerous small mouths, much like a Gibbering Mouther. Instead of the Mouther's wailing and moaning, though, the small mouths bark in a manner reminiscent of toy sized dogs such as Yorkies and Chihuahuas. All those within a 30' radius must make a DC 12 Wisdom save to resist the urge to smack the wearer with a rolled up newspaper.
Amulet of Phasing: This plain silver medallion is on a thin chain. When the command word is spoken, the wearer will be able to pass through any matter and force effect, and ignore any magical movement effects that would normally apply to them, such as fly or hold person. It does not, unfortunately, let the wearer ignore gravity.
Amulet of Referring To Oneself In 3rd Person: Early onset narcissism.
Broach of Color Changing - A cheap trinket sold for the novelty of a broach that changes color based on your emotional state, allowing for analysis therein. It actually changes color based on ambient temperature.
Brooch of the Hedgehog: Causes small spines to grow all over your body. When somebody attempts to Grapple you, or hit you with their bare hands (Monks beware) or bite you, they take 1D6 damage. You cannot wear any armor while using the Brooch of the Hedgehog, and you may either suffer a negative effect on your Intimidate skill (because you look downright silly and weird), or possibly a positive effect on your Charisma, as you look darned cute.
Cloak of Dramatic Billowing: makes anyone look heroic (optional +1 charm), but a downright liability when you're trying to sneak up on people
Dole's Amulet: The wearer is now cursed: Whenever they peel a banana, they will NEVER be able to get rid of the icky stringy bits.
Greater Brooch of the Hedgehog: You gain a +100' enhancement bonus to your speed. However, whenever you take a move action, you can only move in a straight line from your starting position, and you must move as far as you can in that direction. Also, you take a -10 penalty to all swimming checks.
Periapt of Damage Resistance: Grants user resistance to all damage, by turning them into a statue. Feature needed to reverse the process is currently locked pending the purchase of a Premium user account
Periapt of Wisdom: Whenever you fail a knowledge check, you are instantly reminded that you failed it. You are, after all, wise enough to know how dumb you are.
Talisman of the Sphere of Actual Annihilation - Does literally nothing, big bad knows this, PC's don't (yet) - laughing.
Talisman of Ultimate Neutrality - Does nothing, ever, but is silently judging you for being an extremist
Talisman of Ziggy - Helps you empathise with the comic character Ziggy
Spoiler: Armour
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Breeches of Trust: Once per day, the wearer makes very uncomfortable advances on a random party member.
Plate Armour: Dishwasher & Microwave safe, unfortunately shatters on impact
Red Shirt: The wearer is sure to die horribly and forces the opponents to cackle in an evil way while it happens.
Robe of Swimming - This intricate blue robe of heavy fabric, embroidered with gold thread in the pattern of waves on a sea is enchanted to help its wearer swim. It's also heavy, dense, extremely water absorbent, and prone to dragging in the water. The enchantment almost completely counteracts the obstacle the robe itself presents to swimming.
Robe of Useless Items - a rubber chicken, 100' of dental floss in 1' pieces, the busted four foot ladder your father never threw out, a burned out rusted pot, 22 pounds of worn out roofing shingles, 8 pieces soggy firewood, the rotted hull of a canoe, a key to that lock you lost ages ago, half of an ashtray
Stiffening Mail - This set of mail is extremely flexible and minimally hindering, but hardens when struck to defend against blows as well as plate. Unfortunately, it also hardens when brushed against particularly hard, when the wearer moves too suddenly, or if it is exposed to a particularly potent gust of wind.
Vest of Mr. Rogers - The vest Mr. Rogers wore, the primary effect of the item is that those who see it understand the social context of the item, regardless of setting. As a secondary effect anyone wearing it of a good alignment who is at risk of committing an evil (or just being crass) act gets to be reminded they are wearing Mr. Rogers vest, would he approve? Paladins of good alignment are then asked "Are you sure?". Any sensation of distant disappointment in you choosing to be a jerk anyway is a coincidence.
Spoiler: Arm
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Bracer of Oldskool Armour - sets your AC to 8 (uncommon)/6(rare)/4(very rare)/2(legendary) - dex modifier (AC -2 here I come!)
Riot Shield: anyone facing this shield (like a gaze attack) will be immediately furious with the wielder & attack
Shield of Continuity Error: It's on the left arm, then the right, the left again, etc. Best used by the ambidextrous.
Shield of Sneaky Heraldry: This enchanted shield can magically change its heraldry whenever the wearer wants to, bringing confusion to the enemy on the battlefield (and possibly to friendly forces as well).
Spoiler: Hand
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Gauntlet of Beer Can Crushing: This heavy gauntlet can leave those beer cans as tiny little balls of metal. Perfect for recycling.
Gauntlets of Self Abuse: oh good lord, he's doing it again
Gloves of Expression: The wearer expresses everything they say with flamboyant hand motions
Gloves of Lock Picking: The wearer receives advantage on Intelligence checks to determine what type of lock would be best suited to install on a particular door, hatch, or chest (e.g., padlock, deadbolt, etc.).
Spoiler: Feet
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Boots of Bacon: Useful if you want to grease Paul Bunyan's griddle by skating across it.
Boots of Banana Resistance: You now have advantage on any Dex(acrobatics) rolls when slipping on a banana.
Boots of Dancing: One minute after being put on, heats up enough to deal 1 point of fire damage to wearer every minute.
Boots of Halfling kind - makes your feet very hairy
Boots of Horror Walking: These boots activate when you are chasing somebody. While your opponents run for their lives, you appear to walk calmly after them, even though you are actually moving at full speed. This has no other effect than making you look scary.
Boots of Speed: Enchantment to keep user's pelvis intact while the boots are running is faulty.
Boots of Teleportation: 1/long rest you can activate these boots. These boots (and only the boots) teleport to the location you specify as if using the word of recall spell.
Cursed Shoelaces of Untying: Bloody annoying.
Golf Socks: Have 18 holes.
Shoes of Sogginess: They sort of squelch whenever you take a step... It's kinda gross dude.
Spoiler: Waist
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Belt of Gender Confusion: Makes the user think they have been changed to the opposite sex.
Belt of Many Pouches: has storage room for all the magic components, coins, trinkets, and similar small items you will ever own. Requires a DC 25 Int check to remember which pouch a particular item is in.
Enormous Magnificent Bejewelled Codpiece of Introversion; wearer seeks to avoid the limelight at all costs
Girdle of Kobold Strength - Makes your strength score 6 (yes this would have been a decent bonus to carry capacity on a few characters over the years)
Spoiler: Rings
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Invisible Ring: Good luck finding it!
Ring of Bullywug moistness: You permanently gain the moist condition. It has no status effect, but on the flip side you're moist...... forever..........
Ring of Cartoon Physics: You are immune to gravity, until someone points it out or draws attention to it.
Ring of Controlling Dead: this allows you to give orders to inanimate corpses, regardless of whether you speak the corpse's language, and the corpse will obey these to the best of its ability.
Ring of controlling undead (reformed): summons 1d4 undead creatures that refuse to attack your enemies, because they AREN'T just monsters.
Ring of Doom: Allows the wearer to discern the location of any enemies hidden behind secret doors or walls. However, the only way to discover hidden foes is by knocking on every surface of the room to the tune of "Shave and a haircut" until the enemy is compelled to finish it.
Ring of Eagle Summoning: allows you to summon 3 Giant Eagles at the end of the campaign
Ring of Element Summoning: Summons 1d6 atoms of a random element from appendix 11-b: Periodic Table.
Ring of En-lightenment: It is a ring that has no weight.
Ring of Farcing: Causes the character to suffer misfortune at inappropriate times causing situations that make others believe the character is screwing around/being an idiot
Ring of Farseeing: A ring that when viewed through produces an enlarged image of what you are seeing(this could actually be an interesting & useful item but I wanted to mention it)
Ring of Flumph Command - you know, cause Flumphs...
Ring of Friendly Animals: Often mistaken for the ring of animal friendship, makes animals really friendly. Better scotchguard those pantaloons.
Ring Of Low Self Esteem; because you're not worth it
Ring of Mutual Ignorance This ring makes you unnoticeable to people who you are not aware of. This often leads you to bumping into a person you’re trying to stealth around, where by ruining the magic.
Ring of Partial Invisibility V.1.0.: You vanish from all sight and all detection of anyone who isn't looking at you. As soon as you are the target of any scrying spell, are looked at directly, or are even partially looked at, you become immediately visible.
Ring of Partial Invisibility V.2.0.: A random internal organ inside your body become invisible.
Ring of Ring of Fire: Start every morning with a blood curdling scream
Ring of T wishes - gaudy gold pinky ring, appears to be a ring of wishes, when activated, regardless of what is requested, summons Mr. T who declares he pities the fool who took his ring, beats the wearer senseless, takes back his ring and is picked up by several heavy armed ex-military goons in a cube van. They drive of into the sunset to iconic theme music. Attempts to prevent this effect result in the interference of the persons from the cube van in an escalating nature based on the strength of the opposition (small arms fire, assault rifle fire, rocket launcher fire, attack helicopter, tanks and so on).
Ring of The Lamb - sings insistently, in high pitched slightly off key braying. It never ends...
Ring of the Repentant Thief: Adds a +5 bonus to Slight of Hand checks to steal objects of direct monetary value. Objects or coins of equal value belonging to the thief appear in their place if successful. If the thief does not have sufficient funds to "pay" for the item, the check automatically fails.
Ring of Turning Undead: Congratulations, the zombies now enjoy an alternative lifestyle. Otherwise, does nothing to stop the encroachment of undead, gay or otherwise.
Ring of Secret Invisibility: This ring cause you to turn invisible, but only when nobody’s looking.
Ring of Spell 'Turning' - when activated, it loudly pronounces the letters T-U-R-N-I-N-G.
Ring of Spill Turning: Free flowing liquids reverse direction in a 5' radius from you. Niche use in avoiding boiling oil during a siege or causing minor flow disruptions in very narrow rivers, also causes anything spilled AWAY from you to change course back at you.
Ring of Water Stain : This ring causes all beverages held by the wearer to leave a ring shaped stain on any surface it is placed on
Spoiler: Weapons
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Blade of Death: Anytime this mystical sword is drawn, it immediately kills the wielder and re-sheathes itself. Nothing can bring the wielder back to life.
Duck Blade - functions as a luck blade, if the "wish" option is used d100 x d100 ducks are summoned in the users square - this is typically revolting and fatal on any but the lower end rolls.
Greatsword of Ice: Made of Ice, shatters on impact
Sausage Sword: This extremely powerful +3 magic sword is cursed to look just like a 4 foot long, tasty sausage, making the wielder look very silly indeed. The Sausage Sword does therefore give a whopping -10 on Intimidation checks, as nobody can take a guy who swings a sausage seriously.
Spear of Straight Man: Keeps feeding the wielder set up lines, gets a +1 each time the wielder recognizes the set up and makes a funny. The +1's are additive. However, a groaner sets the total back to zero.
Sword of Manslaying: When this sword is drawn from its sheath, it cannot be resheathed, dropped, or otherwise released until it has been used to kill a male humanoid. Until it has done so, this sword acts as a +3 weapon against all male opponents, but confers no bonus against female or sexless creatures. Once it has killed a male humanoid, it confers no bonus at all until returned to its sheath. Additionally, if it has been drawn and has not yet killed a male humanoid, and its wielder can see a male humanoid (other than the wielder, if applicable), it attempts to make its wielder attack and can only be restrained with a DC 25 STR save, repeated every round.
Sword of Misplaced Ownership: "Oi! That's my sword!"
Sword of Studio Applause: Explosive applause every time the sword is drawn or kills an enemy. Laugh track if the wielder crit-fails on an attack roll.
The Ant Slayer: Great hammer, deals 1,000 extra damage vs ordinary non magical ants.
The Blade of Ultimate Temporal Stasis (Artifact) The BoUTS is a powerful artifact to be sure - when this fine -5 dagger is drawn from its sheath, it immediately stops time for everyone and everything in existence, even on other planes. For one hour (on the material plane - an equivalent time for other planes), time does not pass at all. Durations do not expire; no-one takes damage or actions; not even deities and creatures specifically immune to such effects escape the BoUTS' wrath. As an artifact, the BoUTS can only be destroyed by explaining in precise detail why it doesn't do anything. This requires 5 rounds to explain why the time-stopping is ineffective, and a DC 20 knowledge (Metagaming) check to explain why the weapon itself doesn't deal any damage.
Unnatural Axe: This +3 weapon (any axe) is so horrendous, so unsightly, that most Good or Neutral people are offended by the sight of it, and will likely not tolerate it in their community. The wielder can expect to be shunned (at best), chased out of town, or even put on trial and punished, sentenced to whatever the (mightily offended) judge or magistrate sees fit for such an obvious sicko.
Yo-yo of Slightly Improved Coolness: Causes the wielder to gain the respect of rootless teenagers.
Spoiler: Wands
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Cursed Wand of Leaf Softening Make leaves pulled from plants charmin soft, but also poison ivy.
Match Wand: When you activate the Match Wand a small flame bursts forth from the tip of it.
Match Wand: When you activate the Match Wand you point it at two objects and/or creatures. The wand will give you a slight tickling sensitive if the two targets match.
Wand of Bark When used the wand summons a small pile of tree bark.
Wand of Bark When used the wand makes an audible noise that sounds like the bark of a dog.
Wand of Berk: On a piked save, th' poor sod can only rattle 'is bone-box in Planar Cant for 24 hours. If a basher only speaks Cant before being targeted, it has no effect.
Wand of Egg: Summons one egg. This may be boiled and eaten. It may be summoned above somebody’s head. Or under your hat. Or something. Slightly useful, but not very.
Wand of Grease: In theory could be used to cast the Grease spell, but no one is sure due to being unable to get a grip on it.
Wand of Lightening Bolts: 3/day casts a spell which lightens the color tone of the target, making it paler. When cast upon something which is already pale Procul Harum begins to play in the background.
Wand of Mole: When you use the Wand of Mole a mole is summoned in an adjacent square and it rolls initiative. On its turn it burrows into the ground and avoids combat.
Wand of Mole: When you use the Wand of Mole the target must succeed on a DC 10 Constistution save or a mole will appear somewhere on the target's body.
Wand of Mole: When you use the Wand of Mole one of your allies becomes a double agent for your enemy.
Wand of Mole: When you use the Wand of Mole one mole of any substance is created in an adjacent square.
Wand of Mole: When you use the Wand of Mole one gallon of mole sauce is created. Without a contain for the sauce it spills to the ground and makes a mess.
Wand of Persistent Drizzle: Everyone within an 80' radius gets damp and miserable after 1D6 turns.
Wand of Pointing: casts really minor light spell, useful vs cats.
Wand of Routing: When you use the Wand of Routing, you and all your allies within 30 feet most succeed on a DC 15 Wisdom save or become frightened and must flee the current fight post haste.
Wand of Routing: When you use the Wand of Routing you become aware of the least congested path to your destination. This wand has no effect when used outside of a city.
Wand of Sneezing: You point at someone and they sneeze, could hypothetically be used to trip someone up in combat, but it has failed to be successful so far.
Wand of Trunk: When you use the Wand of Trunk you feel that your derriere will bring all the boys to the yard.
Wand of Trunk: When you use the Wand of Trunk a tree trunk appears in a random location within 25 feet of you.
Wand of Turning Undead Spins the undead 180 degrees around.
Wand of wand recursion: Creates a wand. The wand turns to dust upon use. The created wand can only be used to create a wand, and turns to dust upon use. The wand created by the created wand...
Spoiler: Staffs
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Dancing Pole: Often mistaken by the name for a weapon capable of fighting independently of the wielder, upon speaking the command word, this cursed staff instead plants itself into the ground vertically, and forces the wielder to remain in the square, affected as if by a failed save against Otto's Irresistible Dance. In addition, the cursed individual's AC is lowered by 1 every round that he or she remains dancing, as the individual's armor is slowly peeled off piece by piece (this is an exception to normal removal time for armor). Unarmored individuals are not affected in this manner. At the end of each affected round, the cursed individual may attempt a CHA save (DC 15). Success causes the dancing to stop.
Staff of Creating Shadows: when activated with the command word, the staff emits a bright light. The user must then hold their hands between the light and a wall within 10 ft and make the proper arcane motions. The user has the option of creating several types of shadows when the proper motions are discovered.
Staff of Lesser Dimension door: Teleports user up to 1 foot in any direction.
Spoiler: Rods
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Cursed Rod of Incontinence: ‘nuff said
Rod of Castellation: An intelligent item that will loudly comment on the quality of construction of any structure you happen to be near.
Rod Of Studio Set: That fortress, why does the wall wobble when the door shuts?
Rod of Wandering: upon activation, this rod teleports itself and the user's belongings, but not the user, to a random location on the same plane.
Spoiler: Tomes
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Marginal Prophet Guide: A holy text that details how to turn anything into profit in four simple steps but the book is missing the third step in any endeavor
The Book of Bland Neutrality: The ultimate guide to being as boring and non-Good or Evil there is. Its pages are blank.
The Book of Middle Distance: immediately transforms user into catalogue model.
The Book of Ultimate Chaos: a single page that says "Why do you care what I think? Make up your own mind!"
The Ultimate Book of Ultimate Law: the text of every law ever enacted, anywhere, anywhen. It is arranged alphabetically by the words of the first sentence in the law with no index or table of contents.
Tome of Clear Thought: Unproofed early edition.
Your Mom's Dream Journal: A cursed item that tells you all of the naughty dreams your mother ever had... In graphic detail and with pictures. You cannot put it down until you read the last page, and every page before it.
Spoiler: Scrolls
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Scroll of Striking: upon incantation, all NPCs/Hirelings immediately form a worker's committee and take industrial action
Spoiler: Wondrous Items
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Able Whole-Port - A pair of hand-sized disks that, when placed each on a surface, allow an object to pass through one to the other as if there is no intervening space. One cannot look through the pair of portals without a looking glass that extends beyond the surface. If one is removed from a surface before the other, and there is an object there... the Whole-Port of the name becomes a liar and thereafter ceases to function. The nature of the damage or injury is up to DM discretion.
A living Remorhaze: Why are you reading this instead of running?
Ampersand: This item is a metal object, about a foot in length and shaped like a "&" with slightly draconic features. Upon coming into contact with any true dragon, it will immediately transport that dragon into a "dungeon", where it will be forced to remain until it is slain, or ceases to become a true dragon (like becoming a Shadow Dragon or Dracolich, but Changing Shape does not count). Dragons banished by PCs in this manner do not award any XP for "defeating" them. Also, the dragon's hoard is transported with it.
Armoire of Invincibility: This legendary wardrobe is impervious to damage from all sources. It appears to be crafted from fine darkwood, but its weight would almost make one think that it is made from pure adamantine. A particularly mighty warrior might be able to carry it by himself, should he steady it with both hands, and leave it resting atop the crown of his head, perfectly aligned with his spine. As a piece of furniture, its quality and craftsmanship are beyond compare, and it houses a number of frocks, dresses, and tunics, with plenty of drawer space for leggings and hose.
Arsonist's Tinderbox: An otherwise innocuous tinderbox that sets fire to everything - flammable or not - in a 20' radius.
Attuning Fork: Owner of the fork is attuned to the Attuning Fork instantly and automatically; this attunement cannot be broken until true ownership is transferred (this requires more than mere possession; DM decides what will do it). Is usable both as an eating utensil and to tune an instrument. (I hope no one has made this pun already but I'm too lazy to check back through the thread)
Bar of EXTREME CROSS TRAINING: this heavy, knurled steel bar is 3' long. When the user utters the command phrase, the bar will extend and affix itself to two points on opposing walls. The bar can easily support the users weight, and after spending a half hour performing the appropriate ritual (Pull ups), they gain a +2 bonus to all strength checks for 24 hours. They are compelled to tell everyone they meet about their new awesome training regimen and how it’s the only way to properly get fit.
Bed of Hollywood: a bed that when slept on will keep the characters hair & make up in almost perfect order & it's sheets somehow always protect the sleepers modesty, also no morning breath
Bottle of Breezes: a 5 mph breeze blows in the direction you point the neck of the bottle, 5' wide, 10' long. Lasts 3 rounds per day.
Bottle of Endless Wine - A delicate looking crystal bottle, the bottle of endless wine always seems to be full, yet still pours out wine at a normal rate. The enchantment is extremely well made, the bottle itself is magically reinforced and well crafted, and the wine it pours may or may not actually be vinegar.
Brick of throwing: This brick, made for Building, may be thrown.
Bucket of really, really old cheese: No seriously, it's that old. Yes, it is a liquid. No, you don't want to touch it.
Camel of Water Storage: A magical, living camel, that can drink several hundred gallons of water and store them indefinitely, for the owner to retrieve when needed. The method of retrieval is, however, not for the faint-hearted.
Candle of Incandescence: an apparently normal candle until lit, then everyone in 10' radius gets very cross indeed
Da Mytt's Dog Collar: This collar allows an animal to automatically find its owner, regardless of how difficult or unlikely it would otherwise be, if it is possible for the animal to find them at all without abilities the animal does not possess. However, it makes any animal it is placed on disobey commands in the most frustrating manner possible that does not entail actual hostility, in ways that may defy the laws of physics. For example, a dog instructed to "fetch the keys!" with said keys hanging on a nail five feet away from it, will instead completely-inexplicably return with one of the following: harpsichord keyboard keys, the ceremonial key to the city, a kiwi bird, a kiwi fruit, a large blue batlike creature, a portal key from Sigil that does not function outside it (if the characters are in the Material Plane), a monkey named Kiki that steals 1d20 of the highest-denomination coins in the character's inventory before escaping, the sign from a pub called the Cross Keys, or (if there is a monk in the party) one point from the monk's current pool of Ki points, recoverable only by taking it back from the dog. Characters attempting to figure out how that last one even works take 1d4 nonlethal psychic damage.
Decanter of Endless Milk: Unfortunately, the milk expired centuries ago.
Deck of Many Things: Contains only 21 cards. Manufacturer will provide refund if told which card, precisely, is missing.
Drumkit of Dolphin Summoning: Does exactly what it says on the tin. Quite what the party are supposed to do with the 4D20 dolphins that have just entered the material plane is anyone's guess
Earl Grey's Pot: Allows you to pour 6 cups of delicious tea, once per day. Unfortunately does not come with matching cups.
Flask of projectile vomiting:When imbibed, the contents of this flask makes you throw up, at an amazing distance.
Flubber: The only super hero more worthless than aquaman.
Folding Elephant: This object appears to be a small wooden box. Upon activating it, it opens and unfolds its contents, one full sized, and very dead, elephant.
Gem of Blinding: This gem emits a 120', 5" radius line of bright light directly at the user's eyes.
Gnomish Automatic Beard-Trimming Machine: Last time it escaped, it killed ten men
Grand Piano of Courage Allows any bard who moves at least 10 feet on their turn while carrying the GPoC to grant Inspiration to one ally.
Gorilla Glass- This elegant looking wineglass does nothing unusual until it is filled with liquid and someone attempts to drink from it. The drinker must make a dc15 dex save or take 8d6 bludgeoning damage when the liquid turns into an enraged adult gorilla mid-sip. The gorilla tries to kill the drinker until one of them is slain, at which point the gorilla evaporates.
Hand, Eye of Vecna: Corpse items were harvested from not actually Vecna.
Hayward's Handy Haversack - A normal Haversack until you have to make a Dexterity save, at which point the Haversack gives you advantage, at the expense of supporting you with multiple extruded hands - in - less than comfortable ways.
Head of Vecna: I think you all know where this is going.
Heward's Handy Haversacagawea: This bag is instilled with the soul of Sacagawea, giving the wearer advantage on navigating the Louisiana Purchase.
Howard's Handy Haversack - A normal Haversack that always appears when you seem to need it, usually just as you turn around and start to look.
Hueward's Handy Haversack - A normal Haversack that displays its special property once you put any damaged item in it. Damaged items left in the Haversack for a day are repaired as if exposed to the "mending" cantrip. Only one random item of several is affected if more than one is put in at a time.
Invisibly-Everburning Torch: When held aloft, this torch produces a magical flame that never goes out and gives off no heat, which illuminates as a standard torch, but its light is only visible to creatures with darkvision (which it does not interfere with). Note--the area it illuminates is less than the vision range of darkvision.
Mat of the Insufferably Flexible: this rubberized flexible mat is brightly colored. When the user utters the command phrase and spends half an hour performing the appropriate ritual, they gain a +2 bonus to all dexterity checks for 24 hours. However, they must constantly tell everyone around them how amazing it is and that they just simply have to try it.
Miniature Goo - A fist sized blob of grey goo, alleged to learn to fit its master, designed as an alternative to standard familiars. It actually displays the same bad approximation of intelligence regardless and is incapable of learning.
Music Box of Soul-Crushing Sorrow: this wind-up clockwork device plays an impossibly sad melody while showing Silent Images of mistreated animals. User has an overwhelming urge to complain about someone cutting onions and go hug their dog.
Painbrush: Looks like an ordinary paintbrush, but gradually causes the artist to develop severe carpal tunnel syndrome, cluster headaches set off by paint fumes, and chronic back pain over the course of several paintings made with it. These do not go away when the brush is no longer used; only Remove Curse or Wish can end these conditions.
Pen of Peter Jackson Scriptwriting: Allows you to see the DM's notes and completely rewrite his plot to add more romance while removing logical coherency
Paperweight of Excellence: No matter the heavy winds, no matter how much you tilt the table, this magical paperweight will ALWAYS keep your papers in place.
Parchment of the Stenographarian: A magical piece of parchment that requires attunement. When attuned, the parchment will magically write down everything you say. Your words will appear on the parchment, as you say them. Very clever. There is a catch, however. As there is only one piece of parchment, and as the parchment writes down EVERYTHING you say (even coughs and sighs), and as the parchment - when it reaches the bottom of the page - starts anew at the top, overwriting whatever was there, you need to stay very quiet if you want your words kept for posterity. The parchment stays attuned to you as long as you live, and it will record your words, no matter how far away it is from you, and no matter what plane or planet may separate you.
Phat Lute: An oversized and extremely valuable-looking lute that causes any person in possession to disregard any societal notion of politeness or self-restraint, seeking to annoy and enrage others at every opportunity. No one can make the connection between these behaviors and the lute without a DC 25 INT check.
Psychic Paper: This small slip of paper appears to have whatever the viewer is thinking about written upon it. Upon closer inspection, the writing changes to depict the viewer's best kept secret. The writing is unique to the viewer, no one can read what it displays for someone else.
Quill of Rage: An ordinary quill that will only write when you scribble in the corner to make sure it is working.
Remembrall (Attunement) This small tennis-ball sized ball of a quartz-like mineral will glow red when you forget something (but what you have forgotten is up to you to remember)
Rock of Returning: S'funny, could have sworn I threw that thing away.
Rope of Pulling - At first glance, the rope of pulling looks like a normal silk rope. There's a knot near the middle of it however, which sticks to surfaces and lets the rest of the rope slide through, allowing it to act as a pulley. It doesn't stick well enough to surfaces to stay on when supporting any weight actually worth using a pulley to move.
Rubik Gate - A Rubik’s cube that when solved makes you feel clever, it may also open a gateway to hell, but you solved the puzzle, so whatever.
Saddle of Llama Taming: When put on a wild llama, it makes the animal completely tame, and it may be ridden like a horse. Only Works on llamas.
Shatner's Bassoon: An... apparently... normal... instrument... except... for... constant... dramatic... pauses. Girdle and ripped shirt optional.
Skillet of Flapjacks: Advantage on Dex checks to flip an egg or pancake being cooked in the skillet. Improvised weapon, 1d4 bludgeoning.
Snap, Kraken, Pop: This box made of oddly firm paper-like substance contains a delicious puffed rice that is edible and nutritious. If milk is poured over the rice, it makes a snapping, popping sound. There is a 33% chance that it will instead make the third sound, upon which a live kraken is summoned from the briny deeps and now occupies your cereal bowl. The kraken is immediately hostile.
Sphere of Actual Annihilation - As a Sphere of Annihilation but does not repel air, emits blinding burning light as matter of all sorts (including air) enter it and are destroyed, Doing 2d6 radiance damage per round in a 30' radius exposed to air and 10d10 in a 200' radius on rounds when exposed to solid matter. If left unattended will render the atmosphere too rarefied for humans to breathe in 5d20 years. (it occurs to me this is more a killer awesome big bad ending the world scheme artefact, but oh well)
Stuffed Alligator of Importance: When a wizard hangs up this stuffed reptile in his laboratory, it will make the laboratory look much more genuine and 'mage-ish'. This may add a +1 to Diplomacy or Intimidation checks on the wizards behalf, when he is in his study.
Tarrasque Annoyer: A handy dandy whistle that fits in your pocket, and the tarrasque's stomach. Whenever blown it automatically alerts the nearest tarrasque to your position, and sends several insulting yo mama jokes via telepathy, Such as "Yo mama's so fat, she gave birth to you."
Tindertwig of the Unreserved Flame: cookfires started with this tindertwig cannot cook food, but the fire still deals damage to the food as appropriate for its size.
Triangle of Ting: Smells suspicious. Summons 1D3 dreadlocked Buffalo Soldiers, who are pacifists, and very hungry. User gets +2 to JAH (not CHA)
Towel of Hitchhiking, grants a +3 bonus to flagging down a ride, but only if the bearer is floating in outer space.
Unbrella: This object resembles an ordinary umbrella, but when opened it produces water. When the unbrella is upside-down this water simply fills it; otherwise it falls like rain. The water vanishes if removed from the five-foot-high cylinder defined by the unbrella's radius.
Well of many Earls - Every time you open it, it’s full of landed nobility and guys named Earl, sometimes Weird purple liquid: Tastes oddly like fermented grapes... And gives you blue hair. And when you die, you turn into more of the stuff. So you probably just drank someone, you sick, sick individual you...both, none of them are happy with the situation
Woolly Bulette: This is a plush toy of a Bulette. It is very cute, and when squeezed, plays a few bars from an older song that everyone finds catchy, but no one quite knows the lyrics to.
Spoiler: Wondrous Items - Bags
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Bag of Bags - When found this bag contains 1d100 bags and it generates 1 bag per day holding a maximum of 100 bags. These bag are of very cheap construction and have no sale value.
Bag of Beano - appears to be a bag of beans, is instead exactly what it says.
Bag of Insufficient Volume: Everything just doesn't quite fit in this magical sack of frustration
Bag of It's Got To Be In Here Somewhere: Functions as a bag of holding, but is constantly filled with random junk in addition to the contents. It always takes a full hour to find the item(s) one wishes to take out of it, during which the character cannot gain the benefit of a short rest.
Bag of Withholding; you'll never get any of it back
Bag of withholding - functions as a bag of holding and appears to be one, until you *need* the item RIGHT NOW (healing potions for the dying, coins to pay the bar tab, the mcguffin to defeat the big bad etc.). In these cases the time to find the item in the bag is 1 round longer than the need persists (character dies, you've just finished doing the dishes for 2 days to pay the tab etc.)
Bag of Infinite Gold - because you can't buy magic items in 5e. Also, it’s very heavy and will kill you if it falls on you.
Spoiler: Wondrous Items - Holes
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Able Porthole - A much smaller "Portable Hole" that simply creates a face-sized visible window through as much as a foot of wood or steel, visible on both sides. It does not store anything, and frequent use (more than ten minutes at a time) causes a Poisoned condition (seasickness) in anyone without the Sailor background.
Exportable Hole: Advantage on checks to have the hole shipped to another country (does not help with any check not directly related to exporting the hole itself; e.g., does not help with obtaining a departure ticket or passport stamp).
Hole-able Port - A flask of dark red liquid that, when poured, allows a person to create small supporting rings out of the liquid. A chain of up to fifty foot of length can be created, but evaporates within ten minutes, leaving dark red stains on any users that last an in-game week, or until cleaned magically. The flask replenishes by the next morning.
Holeable Port: During any storm of sufficient danger the Holeable Port instantly creates a safe harbor in which to dock though it is filled with hostile pirates that will capture you
Importable Hole: Advantage on checks to legally bring the hole through customs (does not help if with any check not related directly to importing the hole itself; e.g., no help on bluffing with forged entry papers).
Pi'tuie's Potable Hole: A portable hole that can only hold safe (potable) drinking-water (hence that part of the name); all other objects are rejected with great force when the hole is moved, aimed directly at whoever put them in it. If a character attempts to remain in it when it is moved, they will be ejected (accompanied by a loud noise that sounds like "PTOOEY!" audible for a 300yd radius, hence the other part of the name) and take a minimum of half their maximum potential HP (calculated by assuming maximum rolls on hit dice and constitution of 20) in bludgeoning damage from either a fall or impact with nearby objects.
Plotable Hole: This tear in the fabric of storyline/continuity-space can be exploited to cause NPCs to suddenly remember that they were killed, like, 8 sessions ago, and suddenly change the time of day as the Powers That Be are reminded that they just said the sun was shining and it couldn't possibly be midnight.
Unportable hole – It’s a hole, good job
Spoiler: Wondrous Items - Poles
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Balance of the Ancients: An enchanted 10ft pole that grants advantage on Acrobatics checks when walking on narrow surfaces, but the player must clearly state that they are using the 10ft pole in such manner, or it imposes disadvantage.
Rustbane: An enchanted (+0) oaken 10ft pole, crudely sharpened at one end as if done in a great hurry with a dull hatchet or light sword. There is a dark stain on the sharp end that extends about a foot back from the point. Counts as a pike, but does half damage (rounded down).
Trapfinder of the Ancients: an enchanted 10ft pole that is unusually resistant to damage and grants a bonus to trapfinding attempts, but cannot be used with a Thievery, Investigation, or Perception check--the search must be roleplayed out instead, or else it does nothing. Regenerates from damage at 1' per hour from the largest piece left of it if damaged or broken.
Vault-Pole of the Ancients: An enchanted 10ft pole that grants advantage on Athletics checks made to pole-vault with it.
Water-Carrier of the Ancients: An enchanted 10ft pole that can be used to carry two buckets (buckets sold separately) of water or other liquid without spilling a drop, regardless of what else is occurring and whether or not it should be physically possible, until set down. This does not prevent the character from falling, being tripped, etc., only prevents the liquid from spilling.
Spoiler: Consumables
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Cubefinder (Consumable): A 10ft pole with one end capped by a caked-on powdery substance. When you are holding it in front of you and feel it hit something unseen, look at the cap. If you see and hear the cap fizzing like crazy while the pole starts to dissolve, you've found a gelatinous cube.
Exposive Runes (cereal): 9 out of 10 adventurers agree that it's the bomb. Slogan- "Silly flumph, psychics are for kids"
Falling Feather Token: Causes a single feather to appear in the air and fall.
Green Slime Remover (Consumable): A very combustible 10ft pole coated in a strange reddish substance--will burst into flame (becoming consumed in the process) at the slightest spark, whether from a candle or a fire spell or a stray piece of cigar ash. When the green slime starts eating it, set it on fire. Deals 4d6 damage to anyone holding it and in a 10' radius of such person if it is accidentally set off, or set off by an enemy.
Potion of Barkskin: Side effects may include dry, flaky skin, photosynthesis, fruiting.
Potion of Decaffeinated Coffee: It tastes exactly like a potion of caffeinated coffee, but with none of the benefits.
Potion of Growth: Imbiber grows sufficient hair to do an impression of Mr. It.
Re: List of Mostly Useless Magic Items
