Quote Originally Posted by Zolkabro View Post
I disgaree. I liked that way of starting the story. It set the humorous tone.

EDIT: Does critisicing a critique count as a critique?
Heh, I don't think so. Besides, having the critics disagree about your story helps a lot in making it better. It's sometimes easy to be misled and think that something one person dislikes is terrible, or that something one person likes is perfect. When they disagree, it's easier to weigh their critiques on their merits.

Anyway, on to a third critique...

Critique: Heartstone by Alarra

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This one was a very strong story. I was impressed. I figure you could submit it as-is. But, there's always room for improvement, so here's a few things I noticed...

It's not that important, but I don't think you actually named your character until pretty late in the story. In fact, I wasn't certain whether he was male or female at first. I think you should have been clearer on who he was at the outset.

Secondly, the story was largely told in flashback form. That's always somewhat difficult to handle, and you need to be careful to keep your timing clear. There were a few points in the story where I wasn't clear when things were happening, in the past or the present.

Thirdly, there were two scenes that didn't ring true: when Ken woke up after two weeks to find Shala at his side. That seems just a little too convenient. She could've been at his side for a lot of the time, but I think she still would've needed to be lucky to be there when he finally woke up, so it feels contrived. The other is having Sid there at the end. How'd he get in without Ken realizing it? It seems like he's there purely to give some resolution to the love triangle, but I'm not sure it's necessary.

Finally, while the ending is moving, it's a trifle predictable. I saw it coming well before we got there. I'm not sure there's too much you can do about that while still keeping the central thread of the story.


And that's three.