Trog's Talk Show - Season 3

[Trog]

Season III

*In the dark there is a thudding sound like fists punching an alcohol soaked side of smoked beef. A groan is heard. Followed by an impatient foot tapping noise. Somewhere in the darkness a single droplet falls audibly. The groans cease and ragged breathing follows*

Look... Tell Vlad the Employer Trog hasn't got his money... Trog's good for i-UGH!

Ow...

owie...

*pants*

Okay, okay... Trog's NOT good for it. But there must be some way Trog can... you know? Work it off? Trog swears Trog didn't know Trog was running a drink tab all last season. Trog figured it was free... because, you know, Trog was a star and all.

*Raucous laughter is heard*

Right.

So anyway so what's next. You guys practice threatening to hit Trog with your berzerk pituitary glands or something?

...

It means... R U gonna hit Trog more?

*a chorus of "ohhhh" is heard*

So... is that a 'yes' or wha -HEY! Put Trog down! Careful! Trog's got a beverage, man!

*A door opens projecting a beam of light into the dank room and a short beaten looking troglodyte is tossed in by burly handed thugs. He lands awkwardly and spills his drink on the floor. It dissolves a small divot in the flagstone.*

Great. They made Trog spill Trog's drink. Where the heck is this place?

*he stands up and begins feeling about on the walls*

Oh. Wait. This might be something.

*CLICK*

*The dungeon room is washed in greenish light from flickering torches placed in wall scones. The large-ish cell is bare stone from floor to ceiling. Rats scurry back into the darkness, their green eyes glowing strangely. In the middle of the room, nearly against the back wall a ramshackle desk sits with a familiar looking oversized lozenge-like microphone set on the edge and a stained coffee mug.*

Oh no.

*Bangs on the door* Let Trog out! You can't do this to Trog! This is inhumane!

*a small peephole door opens and a dark figure growls something in a tongue unfamiliar*

Oh. Right. Trog's not human so "inhumane" doesn't apply. How silly of Trog.

*The scaly troglodyte approaches the desk with trepidation and inspects the coffee mug. Forgetting that he has no sense of smell he sniffs it and takes a sip of what's inside before his eyes bulge and he opens his mouth to breathe a gout of blue flame*

Well at least the beverages are decent enough. *sits down, taps microphone, shuffles blue cards a bit. Reads*

Hmm... says here Cosmo was taken to a more high security facility due to his more "volatile nature". Well there goes Trog's lackey. Dang. Now Trog has no introduct-

*just then the skeletal remains of a previous dungeon denizen, still in shackles against the wall, lifts its bony head. It's eyes glow red and a microphone on a chain is lowered down. The skeleton adjusts its bowtie and gives a wink if that's possible before belting out in an overly happy announcer's voice*

From the Underdark! Home of Drow House of Pancakes... It's Trog's Talk Show! Now heeeeeeeeeeeeere's Troggy!

*blink*

*blink*

Who the hell are you talking to Boner? Are we on?

*The skeleton nods with a sepulchural rattle*

Oh.. um... good evening. Or morning... or whatever. Welcome to what appears to be season 3 of Trog's Talk Show. For those of you just tuning in the show works thusly:

Trog has a guest on the show, You PM Trog your questions for the guest. In the quite likely even that Trog does not receive any questions Trog will wing it as he did for over half of season one and two. In the interest of moving things along this season, each guest will get four (4) questions maximum. Questions are chosen purely for comedy's sake and may be stockpiled for future guests or not used at all. Be a big kid and suck it up.

To be a guest on Trog's show please PM Trog with your interest. If you are missed for some reason it is probably due to host incompetence.

*Trog twiddles his thumbs for a bit, looks around, peers in cup, turns to the open peephole in the dungeon door*

Any chance of getting a refill? Trog needs to keep Trog's blood-alcohol level to pi or higher or bad sobering things begin to happen.

[zeratul]

Zeratul plops his guitar down, get's a comically sized tub of popcorn, and tunes in "Well, it's about time we got something good on the TV again"

[Phase]

Phase sits down in his comfy chair in his comfy corner and prepares for some damn good television.

[Evil DM Mark3]

In laboratory 13 (Deep holding) all work on the self-reloading Zocchihedron mortar stops as the show comes on. Dice themed doom machines can wait, those season 1 and 2 DVDs where awesome, and there aren't any adventurers who the staff can't handle due for another three to five weeks anyway.

[Zar Peter]

Zar Peter enters the studio.

Oh man, another season at last. Can't wait for it. I hope the coffee guy is here, too. Need something to wake up when the guest takes too long for an answer

[Recaiden]

The echidna peers out of its box and wonders who the guest is. That'd be good to know.

[Eldan]

The commissar still wasn't sure how he ended up being this strange mixture of cat and muffin. Must have been a chaos curse. Still, who cared, if there was good television.

[Trog]

*Trog sits uncomfortably at his desk as various people file into the adjoining cell filled with bench seating. He reaches into his vest pocket and pulls out a mithril cigarette case and retrieves a coffin nail from within and lights it on a nearby flickering green torch flame then turns to the skeleton.*

So Trog guesses, judging by your... um... condition... that um... there's not an easy way out of this cell is there?

Ha ha ha! Oh please Mr. Trog... I went through a LOT of hard work to land such a lucrative position on your show.

Oh? So... um... good to see they don't discriminate against the non-living... um... Trog guesses *as he's talking he rifles through the desk drawers*

Well to tell you the truth I was alive when they started the torture.

Torture?

Vlad the Employer wanted to make sure I was going to be able to withstand your jokes beforehand.

Right.

AH-HA! Bingo! *Trog pulls a liquor bottle out of the bottom drawer*

*Just then several burly guard types bust into the the adjoining cell and drag one of the occupants out the door. Trog stops mid sip.* Maybe his parole was up?

*The lights focus on the skeleton who speaks into the lowered microphone again.*

Pleeease give a warm Trog's Talk Show welcome to our first "guest"...
Dallas Dakota!

*The cell door is flung open and a small blue furry monster with googly eyes is thrown onto the cell floor to the sound of applause... most of it, startlingly, coming from underneath the audience bleachers*

[D_Lord]

Dark Lord shell of an shadow of what's left of him walks through the wall and tries to sit on one of the chairs. After failing a few times and ending up falling through the floor. He just stands there. To EvilDMMk3
So, how much are those season 1 and 2 DVDs?

[EmeraldRose]

A woman dressed head to toe in green saunters through the crowd and finds her favorite seat in the audience. She has a steaming mug of coffee in one hand, and a bag of popcorn in her other hand.

That certainly was a long pause between seasons. We also appeared to have...moved...locations to a somewhat less desirable part of town. Ah well, good entertainment is difficult to find these days, so I suppose this will have to do.

I wonder who the guests will be this season?

The dragon sits in her chair and leans back, sipping her coffee, awaiting the first guest's reply...

[Recaiden]

When the echidna blinks, he suddenly finds himself outside of its box and in a totally different place. At least the show's interesting.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Wha-whuh huh?
The cookiemonster blinks harshly(don't ask how) at the sudden spotlight focused on him.
Umm, thenks all and umm Skeleton guy...
The cookiemonster quickly searches the drawers for something.
No not here...Nay...
He moves onto Trog's desk and opens the top drawer.
Aha! Finally, my torture is over!
He quickly NOM's the cookies.
Ahh, delicious cookies...Finally....
He once again realizes he's on stage.
Umm....Well every cookiemonster needs coookies.....

So, hello Trog, I'm very thenkfull to be the first guest in season III!
He takes a seat in the guest chair, which is burned, cried upon with holy tears and has a permanent...very ummm, Troggy smell.
The cookiemonster is glad he doesn't have a nose to smell....

[Castaras]

Castaras walks in, sitting at the chairs. A few pie reporters sprint down to the front, cameras and microphones at the ready.

[Evil DM Mark3]

"YES! The televisionphone works! Here I am sitting watching TV and there D Lord is able to hear me! And that means that, oh, um, better be quiet then, sorry Trog. Oh and I don't know how much they cost, they where a gift/bribe for "Still having all one's limbs as an evil minion appreciation day.""

[Trog]

Yes, well... Welcome to... uh... Trog's own personal hell.

*Still a bit stunned at his sudden incarceration, the host watches the blue furry creature rifle through the desk and then finally sit down in the rickety wooden chair that's next to it. A rat scurries out of the darkness and nabs a Coffin Nail™ and retreats to a small open sewer grate at the base of the wall. Trog turns to his blue guest.*

So.. um... what exactly are you doing here? Were you incarcerated? Or do you just like hanging out in dungeons? Cuz that strikes Trog as faaaaar kinkier than Trog would have thought you were capable of.

Kinky Monster!

Um... uh... yes. Like tha-

*The skeleton begins to sing* K is for kinky! That's good enough for me!

You know Trog would have thought being devoid of flesh would have calmed your baser urges, Boner.

Actually, Mr. Trog my name is –

Not important. Yes. Moving on.

*A large rat smoking a cigarette scurries out of the wall with a blue card in its paws and sets it on Trog's desk. It takes a long drag of the cigarette, takes it out of it's mouth and talks with a raspy voice reminiscent of Harvey Firestein with advanced tracheal cancer:*

Like, "DING"... or whatever.

*The rat takes its own sweet time in heading back to it's sewer grate. Small puffs of smoke curl out of it. Trog looks back at the camera. Blinks. Shrugs. Looks at the card and reads the first question.*

"Do you want the events of the 4th of October 2006 to become public knowledge? If not, place $30,000 in a brown envelope behind the hot water pipes in the third stall of the public bathrooms in the library on 0th street."

[Dallas-Dakota]

Well umm, the cookiemonster invented machine that would produce more power then it needed, for money for cookies, understand? But then dem

...

What the? Am I getting Smellie Hippie's accent?

Erm, back on topic, then men in white suits got it from me and threw me down here......

And lets not start about the whole kinky monster thing again...please?


And the umm actuall ummm qeustion

The cookiemonster frowns and looks weird at Trog.

Hmm, The events of the fourth of october, 2006....
What was that...........
The cookiemonster suddenly panics and jumps up.
Ok! Ok! I'l give the money! Just don't let that become public! I'l give the money as soon as they let me out of here! Please! I'l give the money! You hear me? I'l give the money....just don't let that become public knowledge...
The cookiemonster calms down a bit and sits down.
Umm, next question?

[Evil DM Mark3]

*Turns volume right down*

"Hey Grobbo, pick up at the library after Trog!"

*Turns volume back up*

[Dallas-Dakota]

(*saves from second page*)

So umm, Trog, what got you in here?

[smellie_hippie]

Hey Trog!!

*hippie dusts off slimey residue from chatch-ki coasters that resemble cheddar cheese wedges *

Long time no see!! I've been encouraged to stop by with a few things. First... I have a refill for your coffee mug.

*hippie pours a thick dark liquid into the cup on the desk, and leans close to Trog's... um... ear?*

Help me get out of here...

I also have, a...

*hippie glances nervously over shoulder at the evil red eyes behind the loaded crossbow*

... ummm... a, a request! Yeah... a request to resume peddling coffee

*hippie points towards stage left but then shakes his head confusedly. his eyes travel towards just underneath the third row of seats*

Under there!?! Oh, come on!! All right, alright... So is it okay if I set up the tiki bar under the bleachers?

There was one more thing... but I can't seem to remember. Oh Yeah!! I have a question for your first guest!

[EmeraldRose]

Ah! There you are hippie. I was wondering when you would appear to reopen your shop. I'll have my usual, once you're all set up, if you please

I must say, I think I rather preferred our old location to this....place.

[zeratul]

Zeratul walks over to hippie and quickly spouts out "Whole milk pumpkin spice frap medium with whipped cream please" and waits expectantly for his coffee

[Evil DM Mark3]

"You know what, awesome as it is the televisionphone is not as good as live is it."

With a flick of the dial and a push of his watch Evil DM Mk3 vanishes in a shower of d8s and appears at the back of the studio.

"Hi can I get a tea and lubricant? Milk no sugar, WD40 no polish."

[Phase]

Phase sidles up to the stand.

"Some rock polish, my good man. I'm feeling rather dusty."

[Uncle Festy]

"S'cuse me, pardon me, coming through…" A pair of kobolds in red robes shuffle into the studio. "Hope this one lasts longer then last time…"

[Dallas-Dakota]

Umm, Trog? Trog?

The cookiemonster looks at the host, who has apparently fallen asleep.

Umm, wakey wakey? WAKE UP NOW! I got booze for you?

[Evil DM Mark3]

"Man those DVDs must have a lot of editing! So, to bide the time, dallas-dakota, what is it with you and cookies?