Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

[Player_Zero]

I hate not having any friends beyond that one person. I feel safe with them, and I feel they understand me, so I tend to want to talk to them. Although, as of late I have reason to think said friend has gone out of his way to avoid me on Facebook, so... I don't really have anyone to talk to anymore.

Could be worse. Could have no friends.

Also, avoiding on Facebook?

...Ya' know how sometimes people read too much into things?

[Pyrian]

Good luck and best wishes, Z. I hope you get out soon. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about you sucks.

[Starshade]

Z: Communications is important in a relationship, from what i understand, it almost sound as, either you two is not a good match of personalities and type of persons, or he sounds as a bad guy, possibly close to abusive.
I have to admit, i demand a *lot* regarding honesty and sincerity, perhaps too much due to some bad experience growing up.
Becoming isolated due to a relationship is a good sign something is horribly, horribly wrong, though, good luck, whatever decition you make.

Syka: This might sound horribly, horribly backwards, but for me personally, i dont exacly plan a family, or plan to get together with anyone and make one, or think much about it. I know earlier i didnt even feel like introducing any girl to my relatives, so it even impacted my interest dating even.
But, id think, i knew i liked kids before i really had my first big crush even.

I dont plan to have a family, until i'm in a enviroment id like them in. My uncles sort of compete about anything: biggest cars, biggest house, anything. Even number of kids. When one got 1 extra, an other uncle got a extra kid, too(i know its something beyond coincidence, second uncle's wife took the news of the new niece-in-law a bit bad, she got slightly annoyed, figuring out she'd have to get another kid).
Well, i find a lot of my relatives childish, snobby, odd, sometime mean to others, etc.

[Hadrian_Emrys]

Zarrexaij: I like you, so I'm not going to pad this: It's done. You like the idea of this guy, not him himself. If you did, you'd be perfectly content with the fact that he sounds like an egocentric prick. One definition of madness is to continue to do the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. That said, continuing to be with this guy any longer is madness. It will end eventually (I see it happening sooner than later), better to make it on your terms.

[Felixaar]

She called and we're on for coffee tomorrow. So that's neat. Knew it would come out fine. Never had doubts for a second.

Edit: I just remembered, I don't typically drink coffee. I can work around that, I think. Haha.

Hot Chocolates: The Man's Drink. A Man who, like me, doesn't drink Coffee, anyway.

Oh. Hot Chocolate might be called Coco or Cocoa in Cali, I don't know. You Americans and your crazy country.

Take it to the hoop, Joe!

Zarr, you can always talk to me if you need to. Just PM me if it's important. You know you're in a bad spot, you need to get out of it - and stop getting into these sort of relationships! Blah, they never seem to work out *hugs* Be Strong, gal.

Starshade, such a bummer that people can be like that, isn't it? I just feel sorry for the kids.

[AtomicKitKat]

I dunno if I should even post this here, but oh well.

History: I've had my eye on this one girl who works near my workplace for the better part of a year now. Over the past couple of months, I bought some stuff from her place, and got to know a little more about her each time. Recently, I gave her a freebie card for a place nearer my place of work, since she said something to the effect of "Maybe when I'm free, I'll come see where you work.". Her accent suggested she was of another race, but questioning suggested otherwise.

Yesterday: She showed up on my day off(even though the day before I had already told her it would be my day off), along with another guy. I only found out because someone working in one of the neighbouring shops who I told about this notified me today. I scrolled back through the security camera footage and confirmed this for myself. They didn't actually stay for more than a minute though, so I didn't think much of it.

Today: After work, I went over to her workplace, with the intent of maybe forwarding my plan to ask her out(yes, I move my relationships at the speed of glacier), which I had been delaying towards March because of a recent bereavement on her part. While hanging around there(she was busy with a customer), he shows up, and it's one of my customers. So we get to talking a little, then I sort of ask him "You and her?" and he replies "Yeah, we're getting married next week/month(I don't remember which he said)."

Conclusion: Having just finished tying your shoes when the other guy is already rounding the final bend in the race sucks. It sucks even more when you weren't even told about the race.

[Quincunx]

Ah, so that's what engagement rings are meant for--fending off an extreme social faux pas! That's all the notification people who aren't in the relationship need.

[AtomicKitKat]

Ah, so that's what engagement rings are meant for--fending off an extreme social faux pas! That's all the notification people who aren't in the relationship need.

Closest thing to that I saw was about a month ago, when she started wearing a ring on her right middle finger. Which I did look up the meaning behind, but nobody could agree on what it represented.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Damnit.
I came across a map with byes from my old class, including one from her.
Damnit, I've been thinking off and on about her today.

Any suggestions to stop thinking about her?

Sorry for the non-explenation, long time people here will maybe remember my posts here.

[Player_Zero]

Closest thing to that I saw was about a month ago, when she started wearing a ring on her right middle finger. Which I did look up the meaning behind, but nobody could agree on what it represented.

So... You don't think you were obsessing too much over a girl you barely knew then?

Because you totally were.

[AtomicKitKat]

Damnit.
I came across a map with byes from my old class, including one from her.
Damnit, I've been thinking off and on about her today.

Any suggestions to stop thinking about her?

Sorry for the non-explenation, long time people here will maybe remember my posts here.

You can't. 16 years since I met her, 12 since I last saw her, and she still haunts my dreams. At least now, she has company in my head.

[xPANCAKEx]

So... You don't think you were obsessing too much over a girl you barely knew then?

Because you totally were.

sadly i have to agree - and whole checking the camera thing strikes me as a bit weird

but hey, you live you learn - next time, if you like somone, move a bit quicker on it

[AtomicKitKat]

Looking back over the past 2 decades, I've come to realise that I'm far too more easily and deeply invested into a relationship before one even occurs. Thus begins another 2 decades of singlehood.

[Phaedra]

Looking back over the past 2 decades, I've come to realise that I'm far too more easily and deeply invested into a relationship before one even occurs. Thus begins another 2 decades of singlehood.

Not necessarily. Realising you have this issue at least gives you the starting point to change it. Take from this experience the knowlege that in future you have to (a) not get so invested in a relationship too early on, and (b) when you do meet someone you like, make a move quickly towards a relationship which you can be invested in.

[Cristo Meyers]

I think maybe you're letting yourself get too worked up and involved before anything actually happens. It's making something that should be (relatively) simple like asking a girl out and blowing it so far out of proportion that bringing yourself to actually ask her out takes more nerve (I guess is the word) than it should.

Maybe instead of letting your emotions run away with you just try and ask for a casual date.

[AtomicKitKat]

Right now, I just need to get over the usual feeling of deep depression that always follows the realisation that I can no longer do anything about it. Then off to find the next objective.

[averagejoe]

Hot Chocolates: The Man's Drink. A Man who, like me, doesn't drink Coffee, anyway.

Oh. Hot Chocolate might be called Coco or Cocoa in Cali, I don't know. You Americans and your crazy country.

Take it to the hoop, Joe!

1) No, we call it hot chocolate. I don't think I've ever actually heard anyone call it coco.
2) Just so you know, it's pretty much only people who don't live in California who call it Cali.
3) I have never heard the expression, "Take it to the hoop," but it totally sounds like what I would do.

Damnit.
I came across a map with byes from my old class, including one from her.
Damnit, I've been thinking off and on about her today.

Any suggestions to stop thinking about her?

Sorry for the non-explenation, long time people here will maybe remember my posts here.

In the past, upon examining how I react to things, I've found that if my mind is doing something I don't want it to it's because some other part of me does want to. I then instruct that part of my mind to stop wanting it. (Or, alternatively, do nothing, but that doesn't sound like a good choice in this case.) I do think a lot, and am deeply introspective, but I see no reason why this shouldn't work for most people. Simply examine yourself, find why the problem is how it is, then take the necessary steps to fix it.

[AtomicKitKat]

Well, now that the coffee's worn off and I've had 4 hours of sleep.

Was it too much to expect that she could have told me "Please stop hitting on me, I'm getting married soon."? Just one of those things that bugs me about some women. They're getting married soon, yet still accepting freebies from "creepy guys" as I have apparently been labelled by some...

[xPANCAKEx]

Well, now that the coffee's worn off and I've had 4 hours of sleep.

Was it too much to expect that she could have told me "Please stop hitting on me, I'm getting married soon."? Just one of those things that bugs me about some women. They're getting married soon, yet still accepting freebies from "creepy guys" as I have apparently been labelled by some...

it would be hard to argue for or against the creepy remark unless we could actually see your body language and behaviour in full flow

a few things to be aware of (not that they all necessarily apply to you):
*personal space and body language - even simple things like leaning into someones space when you talk to them, or unwarrented touching (which you may regard as affectionate) can be misconstrued. Sometimes its better to be conservative with how much you interact physically with another person
*the checking the camera footage thing - urgh... yep. certainly ticks the box. I shouldnt need to explain that one. Don't do that again.
*building someone up in your head - many people are guilty of this to some degree. In your case you spoke to her for quite a while, and upon this built up an attraction/attachment, but in that time failed to ask pertanent questions... like if she was actually single.
*subjects of conversation/language used
*being TOO nice - if you constantly do generous things for someone, with little in return, sometimes it makes them suspiscious of if you're trying to win them over. Sure, friends cut each other favours, but it requires give and take. This ones not something i can dish out any hard and fast rules on, but don't try to bribe people into being your friends/getting into their good books

[EDIT]

uw - forgot a big one. Even i've been guilty of this in the past. pretty much everyone has at some point.

*not taking the hint - you like someone. you flirt a little. But if they're not flirting back, just ease off. Its not one of those things where you can "just flirt enough and eventually they'll come round".

[Pyrian]

Was it too much to expect that she could have told me "Please stop hitting on me, I'm getting married soon."? Just one of those things that bugs me about some women. They're getting married soon, yet still accepting freebies from "creepy guys" as I have apparently been labelled by some...

Perspective. She probably never identified your "glacial" approach to hitting on her as actually being a come-on.

EDIT: I mean, some women DO enjoy being hit on for the sake of being hit on, even if they have no intention of "going there", but really, the evidence in this case simply doesn't add up to that, IMO.

[AtomicKitKat]

I do wish people would stop harping on the camera. If you enter a shop, you're bound to be caught on the tape. Seeing as I'm in charge of the shop 6 days a week, there's nothing wrong with me looking to see what happens on my day off.

That plus the fact that I already told her it was my day off and she came along on that day less than 12 hours after being told.

[xPANCAKEx]

I do wish people would stop harping on the camera. If you enter a shop, you're bound to be caught on the tape. Seeing as I'm in charge of the shop 6 days a week, there's nothing wrong with me looking to see what happens on my day off.

That plus the fact that I already told her it was my day off and she came along on that day less than 12 hours after being told.

ok... seems i WILL have to explain it then.

from what you've said it seems you specifically checked the footage to see if she did infact come in with another guy. Think about how weird that is for a second. Think about how you'd feel if someone who is your friend, was checking their own video surviellance to check up on you.

checking to see what happens on your day off is one thing maybe, but doing it specifically to check if a girl you know (and happen to like) was with a guy... bit odd.

if you really wanted to know, why not just ask her next time you see her?

[AtomicKitKat]

I checked more to see if it was in fact true that she had come by. Not for the guy. The fact that she specifically came down on my day off, when I told her the day before that I was going to be off the next day, that just seemed weird enough for me to warrant checking out when told she had dropped by.

[Serpentine]

Hey, it's AKK! Aww, he has bad news
I think checking the camera had the potential to be creepy, but I don't think just the once, just to check whether workmates were right, is all that bad. Kitty, what if she thought you were just being friendly, and likes you? I hope you haven't stopped talking to her completely, just because she's now taken. Yeah, it probably would've been nice if she'd told you she was engaged - it's even a bit surprising that she didn't - but there's nothing to suggest that she doesn't like you talking to her (at least in the little you've described). Females can be just as clueless as males when it comes to hit-ons...

[xPANCAKEx]

if you just wanted to check, just ask her instead

checking up on people through video surviellence is never going to place you in anything less than the creepy catagory. Infact, its so entrenched in the creepy catagory, its got a an apartment in Creeptropolis, and a holiday cottage by the sea in Creepshire for the weekends. I go to such absurd discriptions not to insult or belittle, but to illustrate to you just how creepy it is.

No matter what innocent reason you may believe you have for it, the instant most people hear "he was checking up on her through CCTV" they're going to say to themselve "yeeeeeeeeeeeeah, thats a bit creepy"

[AtomicKitKat]

I'm thinking most likely I'll just pop by on the way to work(it's on the path from the subway anyway), say "Oh hey, you're getting married soon, huh? Congratulations to you both." and then just walk off. At the least, I'm definitely not gonna bother locking up in the middle of the day just to stop by there any more.

Edit: Physical contact. The closest was when we exchanged names and shook hands. Other than that, maybe when beading that bracelet for my mother. Which was actually her job. Sigh. The handshake probably threw me firmly into the "Friends and no more" category.

[Hawk7915]

Previously, on "Hawk's adventures on the GitP forums": I posted in the last RWaA thread and got some handy advice from skywalker and Felixaar. Since then, little has changed...but one big thing has come up, and I am badly in need of help/advice/a place to vent and organize my thoughts:

Spoiler

Show

So, as a quick refresher, I am in a wheel chair in public due to health problems, and "celebrating" my 5th year of being utterly single.

So, there's this girl. She is a fellow psych major and she's really nice and seems totally unphased by my health problems. She's cute (maybe not traditionally attractive, but I think she's good looking), nice, funny, and smart (probably smarter than me, tbh). We've been study partners for a few months now and we're pretty good friends. She's also a recent convert to the LDS church and bipolar (warning bells 2 and 3...I've had some bad experiences trying to date LDS girls when I myself am not religous, no offense meant to any of the Mormons reading ).

Despite all that, I think I like her and want to ask her out. There are a few problems...

1. The bipolar thing really doesn't bother me; she seems like she has a good grip on it, my father is bipolar so I have some experience with it, and it'd be really hypocritical of me to nix it on that when she is my friend despite my endless physical disabilities. The LDS part, however...does. Like I said, the last girl I even sorta dated was LDS and it ended in misery and suffering. She's a convert instead of a lifelong member, but anyone with experience in religion and relationships advice would be much appreciated. For the record, I have no problem with her not seeing Rated R movies, not drinking coffee, and not wanting to have an overly physical relationship, nor do I have any issue with her going to church every sunday. What is an issue is her pestering me to go to church/not watch "bad" movies/stop drinking three cups of coffee a day. I dunno if she'll be like that or not, so does anyone have some success stories with how to make a relationship like that work? Or with differences like that, is conflict and a swift, fiery break-up the only outcome?

2. Any good ways to tell if she's interested? I suck horribly at reading signals and "playing the game"; hand to God a girl should probably make a giant, flashing, glowing sign if she's interested...but no such luck here. She is, as said, super sweet to me and on our recent study sessions we've mostly ended up chatting instead of actually studying. She off-hand mentioned how weird being at the LDS Singles speed-dating night was...and then, a few days later, told me that she had dinner with some guy. So I'm, like, totally lost.

3. So, actually asking her out...HALP. I have been single for five years. In my only other serious relationship, she asked me out and did all the opening foot work. Since this girl is, as mentioned, LDS, I strongly doubt she would do that as it is "against the rules" to be so forward, meaning its all on me. My confidence is so shot that I'm not sure where to start...text, phone call, or random after class "Hey, come get lunch with me after public speaking"? What's a good first date? Do I use the word date, or be lame and say "hey, we should like maybe sorta hang out sometime if it's not too much trouble..."?

Sorry for the long rant; for all who read through it and can offer advice thanks in advance.

[evil-frosty]

@hawk- About her being religious, that shouldnt really matter, and if shes pushing you about a few things just ask her to stop. I cant help you with reading signals as i suck at it too and about asking her out again probably not the best person to ask, but just go for it.

[xPANCAKEx]

Hawk7915

1) the LDS thing - thank her for her concern, but re-assure her that you'll be ok. Keep it short. Don't open up the moral debate. Just re-assure her that you'll be ok... unless those 3 cups come in gallon sized jugs? Then even i'd tell you to lay off a little

2) sadly without more info/being able to witness it for myself i wouldnt be able to say yay or nay on this one. It sounds like friendly talk, but a bit of a potential red flag as its creeping towards 'friend zone' material. Your best bet is to just casually ask her 'so what ever happened with that guy you went to dinner with' and see if shes single.

3) Confidence is a state of mind

firstly - i'll address this line

"hey, we should like maybe sorta hang out sometime if it's not too much trouble..."?

don't use it. Just don't. That would be acting as if your pressence is a hardship, and not something she would enjoy. And by the sounds of it she already has a great time being around you - so throw that line in the trash where it belongs. Its time for a new way of thinking...

You have to go out there thinking that you are a catch. And if you don't think that way about yourself, act like it anyway. Do what ever else you have to to boost your ego (wear a decent outfit/get your hair trimmed up - shallow, but they work - its about feeling positive about the way you look). You can't expect someone else to want to date you if you don't like yourself - so start now

and besides if you don't ask, you'll never know (pancake's rule #2: "rejection is better than regret" - fear and confidence can sometimes be great motivators when mixed together properly)

as for how? I wouldn't neccesarily call it a date - that sometimes comes over as a bit formal. I'd always advise asking her out face-to-face. Lunch after a lesson seems a bit grey area... Phrasing wise... "hey, how about i take you out to lunch after public speaking". Short, to the point, confident, and also "take you out" is good language for calling something a date without using the word date itself. Buying someone dinner is a lot more date like than having lunch with a friend, so sets the tone a bit better. Dinner would probably push it further towards date territory

[Pyrian]

That plus the fact that I already told her it was my day off and she came along on that day less than 12 hours after being told.

See, this is the sort of disconnect which happens when you're paying exquisite attention to every single thing she does and she can remember your name - maybe - but your working hours went in one ear and out the other because you're just not nearly as important to her as she is to you. Pardon me for coining a current catch-phrase, but she's just wasn't that into you.