Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

[Felixaar]

I could never be in a fling... because I'd be too worried someone actually worthwhile would come along at that point in time (and knowing my luck, they would) - and even though I wouldn't discount them, if they're the kind of person I like they'd probably discount me...

So, yeah. All or nothing! Though not necessarily right off. I like to ease the ladies into their eternal servitude...

[pingofhk]

delete this reply plz

[Felixaar]

ping, you can delete your own posts by going to edit and selecting 'delete post'

[Syka]

I don't think they're saying settle for second best.

They're saying that just because you fell for Girl 1 don't discount Girl 2 because she doesn't appear on first glance to stand up to Girl 1.

But then, that's why I try to not compare SO's...mainly because they are different. I mean, there are obvious 'better thans' (like...if someone cheated or abused you or whatever and the new SO doesn't). But for stuff like "But she doesn't like (insert obscure show here)!"...I think that'd just be silly. To try and compare people on that level is just ridiculous and, frankly, will end in disappointment since Person 1 tends to be unrealistically perfect.

Cheers`

[xPANCAKEx]

Bah. Laws are always ruining my fun. I guess I'd have to implicate him in murder or something, just so I'd have a genuine reason to stop the proceedings. I dunno, I'd have to research what constitutes "reason."

Man, when did stopping weddings become so complicated?

haha, weddings have always been complicated. TV and movies just glamourise them them as entirely romantic affairs. But when i used to work in court i actually asked the chaplain what the deally would be if you stood up at a friends wedding and said something at that part - turns out, even if its a joke, you can get into some DEEP do-do.

While I agree in principle, I've never figured out how to say, "I totally plan to dump you once something better comes along," without feeling like a giant douche.

Reflexive honesty is how I operate. I have little patience for the games a lot of couples seem to like to play with each other.

you've kinda answered what i was gunna say here about how i deal with it. At the moment im not actively seeking a relationship (infact, i'd be very reluctant to get into one). So i've fore-warned all the girls i've been seeing that neither a relationship nor monogamy are on the cards. They're fully free to see other people as well, and seek a relationship if they so wish - but if that doesn't agree with them, then i fully understand (its not an ideal situation for most, i know) and it won't lead to any recrimination - more a simple "ok, we're not right for each other" kinda direction.

there has however been an annoying trend of lasses who say they're ok with it at first, then try to pressure me into a relationship, or get clingy and attached, but when that happens i just have to let them down politely and gently. No need to be an douche about it - Im upfront and entirely honest about the situation, so theres none of this "game" rubbish so many couples seem insistant on playing

and in the unlikely event of later down the line in the next couple of months i meet someone who i DO want a relationship with, then i'll let the others go as gently as possible. Some might not let go so quietly - but the plus side of being so entirely honest and upfront with them is that i don't feel 'guilty' as i've not mislead anyone

being an adult about everything is serving me well

[Syka]

Pancake, people need to get in touch with their feelings better. oO Those girls should have just said I need X or Y, not Z, rather than saying Z was OK.

I dated a guy who I knew didn't want a relationship; we dated about 9 months. I broke it off because I reached a point where I DID want a relationship (I previously didn't), so I let him know that we either needed to be in a relationship or just friends. I didn't try to pressure him, I just let him know I no longer wanted the casual thing. It was some weird hybrid dating-FWB situation that, while it ended in some drama (terms of engagement were violated by him (we were supposed to let each other know about any other people we were involved with), which prompted my decision to end the casual thing), it didn't end particularly bad.

I'll admit, while I've never done the serial dating thing, the casual thing was fun while it lasted.

[skywalker]

And I believe the ultimate starship troopers quote came in one word. "HOO-AH!"

I can't stop saying it! I think I have a problem.

Heh, I say the same thing. Don't remember it from that movie though.

It's a U.S. Marine Corp thing.

So, "Hoo-ah" is a U.S. Army phrase. "Hua" used to be more common, and might still be within the force itself. My reservist friend says "Hua!" a lot.

"Oo-rah" is USMC. Reference the movie Jarhead, among others.

Ah, reflexive honesty makes a simple fling SOOO much more complicated.

Reflexive honesty refused to kill the only fling I had for a surprisingly long amount of time. I started hooking up with one of my friends from high school and several times, she asked me "how long have you wanted this?" clearly expecting something along the lines of "Since we were freshmen!" [/drama]

However, she was undeterred by the first 5 times I said "Oh, about 5 minutes..." before curiously calling it off after the 6th. It was strange.

[Coidzor]

Well, obviously you're going to have to expect some people to take the idea of getting their hooks into someone else fairly seriously when it comes to sex.

Which is what's happening when someone begins to try to exert greater influence and control over you after having had sex several times.

Plus there's that whole bonding idea as well that would serve to make such actions seem more ok in their mind.

*shrug* Not my area of expertise though. The only flings I've ever had have been one-night stands which... always have confused me as to how they even happened.

[averagejoe]

I don't think they're saying settle for second best.

They're saying that just because you fell for Girl 1 don't discount Girl 2 because she doesn't appear on first glance to stand up to Girl 1.

But then, that's why I try to not compare SO's...mainly because they are different. I mean, there are obvious 'better thans' (like...if someone cheated or abused you or whatever and the new SO doesn't). But for stuff like "But she doesn't like (insert obscure show here)!"...I think that'd just be silly. To try and compare people on that level is just ridiculous and, frankly, will end in disappointment since Person 1 tends to be unrealistically perfect.

Cheers`

Of course not, that would be silly. However, I'm also not going to say, "Had things gone differently I would have had no interest in this girl, but I am willing to try now because I have to be in a relationship." I've never minded being alone, and prefer it in many ways. I see no reason to kindle interest in a girl who I have no interest in.

[snoopy13a]

It's honestly hard to imagine a next time. I'd rather spend my life alone than take second prize. I've never dated for it's own sake or just to find someone. This is one of the rare cases where I'll try with a girl because she is genuinely someone I like, not someone who I think it could work with, but someone who I hold in high esteem. She's set the bar pretty high, and the "next time" would have to equal or beat it. Not interested otherwise.

The thing is, you can't decide whether a person is right for you until you've gotten to know them better through dating. The aquintance or casual friend that seems to be the dream girl may not a good fit once you've spent time together.

I think the best strategy is what most people do. Date people until you find someone you fall in love with. If the person you are dating isn't right for you, then break it off and look elsewhere.

[averagejoe]

The thing is, you can't decide whether a person is right for you until you've gotten to know them better through dating. The aquintance or casual friend that seems to be the dream girl may not a good fit once you've spent time together.

I think the best strategy is what most people do. Date people until you find someone you fall in love with. If the person you are dating isn't right for you, then break it off and look elsewhere.

You seem to be under the impression that I'm actively trying to find someone. I'm not, and never have been. Indeed, I could likely find such a person relatively easily; I know plenty of people who are very strong candidates, and I'm fairly good at making interpersonal relationships work. If my desire was simply to find someone "right for me" then I would go out and do so.

That was never my intention with this one, though. If, after enough time we were to find that we each gained mutual happiness by being together then great. However, all I want is to know that tomorrow I could see her if I should choose to do so, and that I can call her just to hear the sound of her voice, and that I can tell her what I think of her just to make her face light up. This is all I desired from her.

And she really was something special. Even if a relationship wouldn't have worked she is still something special. Perhaps it's childish to say so, but I've never talked with an older person about such things without them resorting to something like, "Well, when you get older you just know these things," or, "I can't explain it, you just have to experience it." Which I take to be code for, "I don't really know what I'm talking about, so stick to your guns."

[Pyrian]

On the interrupting weddings subject: That seems to me to be kind of a jerk move. I don't think that's an expression of love at all - I would call it an expression of selfishness. Seriously, are you (hypothetically) trying to ruin a loved one's wedding because you care for them, or because you don't?

I can't even imagine doing something like that, which is good because the lady I loved more than anybody else before or since is getting married (to someone else - good guy, really) a week from Friday and I'm invited! ...I can't help thinking that I ought to be more bothered by this event than I am, but it was a very long time ago.

On the "honest flings" subject: Yeah, advice columnists could probably fill whole books full of advice-seekers whose situations amount to, "He said he'd never commit, I thought he'd change his mind but he never did!" Silly people. ...Personally, I find getting and losing relationships so much more traumatic than either having or not having a relationship, that flings in general seem entirely besides the point to me.

[averagejoe]

On the interrupting weddings subject: That seems to me to be kind of a jerk move. I don't think that's an expression of love at all - I would call it an expression of selfishness. Seriously, are you (hypothetically) trying to ruin a loved one's wedding because you care for them, or because you don't?

While I agree oh my god you got a different hat!

...

While I agree that it is pretty much a selfish, jerk move that isn't really an expression of love (very little of what's considered "romantic" is, really) one must admit that it does have a certain dramatic style to it. Heck, I find it somewhat tempting even if I don't even like the girl all that much.

Not that I would ever seriously consider doing so, though. I'm not that much of a jerk.

[Serpentine]

While I agree oh my god you got a different hat!

I had this very same reaction! =O

<.<

Yeah, got nothing relevant to add. Interesting discussion, though...

[skywalker]

While I agree oh my god you got a different hat!

+1

...

Kinda like Serp, I got nothing. But whoa!

[Felixaar]

I realise it's old news now, but...

OH MY STEVE, PYRIAN HAS A NEW HAT!!!

Also Pyr: I would only interupt the wedding under circumstances in which I thought the Bride was actually not going to be happy. If she was in love with the man and he her, I would, hard as it may be, gracefully step aside.

[averagejoe]

Also Pyr: I would only interupt the wedding under circumstances in which I thought the Bride was actually not going to be happy. If she was in love with the man and he her, I would, hard as it may be, gracefully step aside.

Bah, grace is for sensible people and people who act within their own best interest. I say crash that sucker in the most dramatic way possible.

In other news, it turns out I am as brilliant as I am stone cold sexy. Which is VERY, smart arse. I know where to go next, and I am quite excited by this fact.

[Felixaar]

Bah, grace is for sensible people and people who act within their own best interest. I say crash that sucker in the most dramatic way possible.

In other news, it turns out I am as brilliant as I am stone cold sexy. Which is VERY, smart arse. I know where to go next, and I am quite excited by this fact.

Deflected before I could even make a joke, well done sir.

But I must ask: details?

Also, good point. Reminds me of Big Fish - "Now there is a point in any endeavour where a sensible man will step aside and realise the battle has been lost, and only a fool wil continue. However, I have always by and by been a fool."

[Syka]

Of course not, that would be silly. However, I'm also not going to say, "Had things gone differently I would have had no interest in this girl, but I am willing to try now because I have to be in a relationship." I've never minded being alone, and prefer it in many ways. I see no reason to kindle interest in a girl who I have no interest in.

That's different than settling for second best though. That's just not being desperate. :) If you wouldn't have had interest, you wouldn't have had interest and you shouldn't try to force it.

Cheers~

[Pyrian]

Umm, thanks everyone. I must confess some amusement that my new hat is being commented on more in this thread than in the "You" thread or the "Evil/Good Twin" thread that spawned it. I guess I'm just better known here!

[Syka]

You know...the new avatar reminds me a little of Bruce Campbell in Burn Notice. Heheh. (That's a compliment, by the way).

By the way, Air Force is now totally off the table after him and his dad sat down with his mom and told her why they didn't want him going in.

In other news, I'm getting my hair cut sometime in the next couple days. :smallbigsmile: Whoever said you cut your hair when you need a change in your relationship can go bite it. ;) I just need a hair cut something bad.

[averagejoe]

But I must ask: details?

Hmmm... I'm actually not sure what to put here. It's not so much a plan or anything as it is that I can see clearly again, and so can use a certain method of action.

Also, good point. Reminds me of Big Fish - "Now there is a point in any endeavour where a sensible man will step aside and realise the battle has been lost, and only a fool wil continue. However, I have always by and by been a fool."

Well, yes, that's nice, but don't mistake my post for actual advice. I might not have been entirely serious.

Edit:

In other news, I'm getting my hair cut sometime in the next couple days. :smallbigsmile: Whoever said you cut your hair when you need a change in your relationship can go bite it. ;) I just need a hair cut something bad.

Do people say that? That seems weird to me. 'Course, I've spent the last eightish years growing my hair long just so I can shave it off and get a reaction from people. I'm actually going to shave it off in a few days because a friend of mine is having a "crazy hair" themed birthday party.

[xPANCAKEx]

In other news, I'm getting my hair cut sometime in the next couple days. :smallbigsmile: Whoever said you cut your hair when you need a change in your relationship can go bite it. ;) I just need a hair cut something bad.

cut? no
style? yes

the 50s was a time all women should admire for hair styles

[snoopy13a]

You know...the new avatar reminds me a little of Bruce Campbell in Burn Notice. Heheh. (That's a compliment, by the way).

By the way, Air Force is now totally off the table after him and his dad sat down with his mom and told her why they didn't want him going in.

In other news, I'm getting my hair cut sometime in the next couple days. :smallbigsmile: Whoever said you cut your hair when you need a change in your relationship can go bite it. ;) I just need a hair cut something bad.

I've never heard of the haircut thing. Of course, I've never had long hair so no drastic hair style for me

Not joining the Air Force is probably a good idea. I don't think one should sign up for the military unless they are solid about the decision. You literally don't belong to you anymore once you join.

[cycoris]

Are the relationships talked about here only supposed to be romantic? If so, could someone please point me towards a thread where I could post about other relationships (read: familial relationships)?

Thanks!

[The Rose Dragon]

This is an all-purpose relationships thread. Feel free to post here (and we will help to the best of our capabilities (well, others will - I'll just stand here and mock you because my family life is soooooo perfect )).

[xPANCAKEx]

any relationships are open for discussion here: friends, family, romance, and (through the medium of inuendo - no! in your-endo! - and PMs) sex lives

what ever you need to discuss, ask advice on, on just vent, this is the space for it

[Syka]

cut? no
style? yes

the 50s was a time all women should admire for hair styles

I'm getting a new style too. Last time I had it cut and styled (last May) I got it shoulder length with angling in the front so in the front it was at my chin (now, the shortest pieces are mid-shoulder blade and the longest below it). This time, I'm going to get an inverted bob that's just below my chin in the front and shorter in the back.

And the general thing people say is if you change your hair style you're looking for a change in your relationship or trying to get rid of an old relationship. The thing with me is I only just started being willing to pay to get my hair cut and in a style other than "long and straight cut", so I'm kind of experimenting with looks (and trying to find a salon I like).

The boyfriend supports the hair style change. He's the one that poked me into going to a salon the first time last May, actually.



And yeah, this thread is for any sort of relationship. Romantic, platonic, family, nemesis, etc.

[xPANCAKEx]

And yeah, this thread is for any sort of relationship. Romantic, platonic, family, nemesis, etc.

yes - the RWaA thread has its very own "planning the downfall of enemies" subcommitee

if you require our services, feel free to pick up a leaflet

[cycoris]

Alrighty...

If you start reading, you will be sucked into a vortex and will not emerge for about five hours. You have been warned.

Spoiler

Show

My parents divorced last August after having been separated for about five years. The court (Arkansas state) granted my father 'reasonable visitation rights', mainly because they don't have jurisdiction while both he and I are in China, therefor anything else would be pointless. In the past, I've seen him as little as is humanly possible, amounting to a couple of times a year, mainly for lunch and part of the afternoon. However, since my parents got divorced and he began paying the legal minimum for child support ($25 a week, which isn't much at all, but is all he can afford since he doesn't have a real job), he's been writing me letters pretty much demanding that I spend my summers or at least six weeks with him.

I understand that as his daughter I do have some responsibility to remain on good terms with him, respect his authority as my parent and not take an axe to his head. However, I would find staying with a man I barely know for my whole summer vacation highly unreasonable, even if it weren't for everything else.

Everything else includes:

• The only times he contacts me are when he's asking me to do a favour for him, e.g. send him old bank returns.
• He is a compulsive liar.
• He was emotionally and physically abusive to both my mother and I, but that wasn't the cause for divorce, because my mother didn't want things to get ugly.
• Neither of us enjoys the other's company.

The first time he wrote me was in September, and I gave him a fairly tactful answer, saying that I didn't know what my schedule was like, but that I was pretty busy etc. At that point, I figured that it was just a gesture on his part, because he has never taken initiative in any relationship that I know of.

However, he wrote me again a couple of weeks ago, asking me to spend most of June, July and August with him. When I told him that I was travelling all summer, that I already had reserved tickets, and outlined my plans for him, he pretty much demanded that I visit him, telling me that my relationship for him should be more important than any other plans I had.

I still haven't responded to that email, mainly because I don't know what to say. I was in the city in which he lives all of last week doing a workshop, and told him he could come the graduation party-type thing, but he told me at the last minute that he wasn't going to come, and didn't give me a reason. When I saw him in passing the next day, he said 'hi' and didn't mention anything about me visiting him, and didn't seem upset at all.

At this point, I'm really confused as to what's going on.

The options I'm considering are:

• Let it be until the next time he surprises me wiht a lovely email, and decide what to do then,
• be proactive and tell him that I don't want to see him, and live with his anger, hoping that he controls himself enough to not do something stupid that would hurt one or both of us,
• appeal to court in the States this summer when I'm there and ask that his visitation privileges be revoked entirely,
• or just put off visiting him until I'm eighteen (another two and a half years).

Does anyone have other ideas as to what I could do, whether he's really sincere, whether he's just using me etc.?