Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

[Felixaar]

He's got about 4 years... In Japan.

Japan: When you get to 21, game over.

[Jimp]

Dear RWaA, here is a story about my Thursday night:

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As I posted maybe two weeks ago I've met a girl who is the daughter of one of my lecturers in college. We've been getting on really well and hanging out a bit with mutual friends. My lecturer knows that we know each other and seems to be pretty ok with it. I was the best student in his subjects last year so he knows I'm not just some tosser . He has even mentiones to her when he has seen me on campus, since I'm rarely there after my deferral.
I hit the big two-oh (20) this week and on Thursday night I celebrated with friends. Spent the first half of the night in a local place that brews some of its own drinks and is pretty small and out of the way. Not very well known, but loved the those who know it. I was with my friends for a while before she arrived. She drove herself in but didn't know the place, so myself and a mutual friend went to bring her over. We were there for a few hours with the usual banter and everyone was having a really good time. The place closed up at about half-eleven, at which point we decided to go to another pub we know that is known but not hugely popular. Good music and atmosphere there though. As we walked over I gave her my coat since it was pretty cold. We get there and the night continues on.
A little after midnight, I can't remember the timing exactly (I wasn't heavily drinking, can't, heart problems. I had 3 spaced across a 6 hour night, so I was practically sober), we got to talking one on one as the others went to do something, leaving just the two of us at the table. We must have been talking for at least an hour. It was a really, really deep conversation. We discussed a lot about what we have done, what we are doing, what we want to do, our lives, our attitudes, a lot of stuff. A big part of it was how we were both trying to make changes. I'm at a bit of a crossroads being unemployed and out of college with no real limits to what I can try, so I've been trying really hard to get somewhere with my music and I am getting there. I'm not entirely sure whether I even want to return to college. She is making smaller but equally important to her changes. She has always wanted to go to more live music and listen to non-mainstream music and she has been getting there. At the end of the incredible conversation she says that she is getting tired and was going to make her way home. I said I would walk her back to the car since it was a bit of a walk away and a city filled with drunks at 2am on a busy Thursday night just isn't safe for a classy girl like herself to walk home alone in.
When we leave it was colder than before so I give her my coat again. She brings back up the topic of my ex from a while back (summary: year and a half together, young love, she dumps me for some guy on our year and a half anniversary in a back alley AFTER I get us dinner. I'm bemused and heart broken. It's much worse than that but you get the idea). She says that what she done was really horrible, I say that the the less said about that topic the better, she asks if I'm seeing anyone right now, I say I'm not, I'm lovely and single, I ask if she is seeing anyone right now (brace yourselves) and she mumbles a 'kinda of. . yeah. . '. I'm pretty surprised since neither me nor mutual friend ever knew that. I tell her that I can see where this is going now, she asks what I mean, I tell her straight out that I fancy her (dunno if other countries really use that word anymore, means you like someone but in more than a physical way). And so begins what was simultaneously the best and worst part of night.
At this point we are on a corner at a crossroads outside a closed shop. People constantly passing by. We are stopped in the middle of the footpath (Americans read: sidewalk). I'll let everyone soak up the immense symbolism of that position. She explains that she really likes me but she was friends with this guy for a few years and has been dating him for the last year or so. He lives in another city though (Those of you that know Ireland, we are in Cork, he is in part of Dublin, a solid 5+ hours away) and that she doesn't see him much. We are facing each other holding hands at this stage. I go on to explain what I like about her and being the hopeless romantic and wannabe poet I am, I do so quite well. At this stage we are holding each other. This talk continues, the specifics of which are mostly lost to the night. We talked about what we liked about each other and she explained that she didn't want to hurt the guy she was with. This is all summary of course, this talk lasted a while, anything up to twenty minutes. She said that she thought she loved him, but thought that I was 'perfect' and that we would be 'perfect' together. I say ot her that if she loves him then we wouldn't be doing this, holding each other on a busy street corner, saying these things. If she loved him she wouldn't think that we would be perfect. It was pretty clear that she was really struggling with this. She was holding on pretty tight and ever few sentences we went from holding to hugging and back. At one point there were a few tears from her She said this was really difficult for her because she did really like me and she was really sorry to hurt me. I said that it was alright and that I was no stranger to rejection so I would be alright. She said that she wasn't rejecting me, and was pretty adamant about that, but she just couldn't do this now and hurt this other guy. A few drunks hassle her a bit (hey sexy, etc) so I lead her away and say that we should get to the car.
As we walk we have our arms around each other's waists and holding hands on the left side (awkward to describe but if you've done it you know what I mean, my right arm around her, her left around me, my left holding her left). We are holding on pretty tight, her head is on my shoulder. Still wearing my coat, of course. We make our way through the streets and talk some more about our situation. Highlights: "you're not like a lot of guys', 'you're not like a lot of girls', 'we could be not like a lot of couples", "it's rare for people to have the sort of connection that we have, I think we really have something here', 'Oh Mark, I know, I know", "Imagine what your dad will say if he ever finds out about this, I won't be welcome in the physics department anymore", "I won't forget this, it's not every day you're told how you are a beautiful, amazing girl. Nobody has ever been so sweet to me' , 'Really? And this guy apparently loves you? (bit harsh from me tbh)', *she sighs and squeezes*, "You're such a gentleman, I can't believe it' , 'What else is there to be? I'm either a gentlemen or some scumbag". The talk from the corner extended all through the walk, but I'm going on for too long as it is.
We get back to the car and she offers to drive me back to the pub, I refuse since if I went back I would drink myself into a stupor. She dropped me back to me house instead since it was on the way. Chat continues in the car, though less serious and more joking about stuff. I did say the most poetic thing I have ever said in my life, but I won't type it because I'm afraid someone will steal it PM me if you really want to know.
Outside my house she says she is really sorry for all this, I tell her I understand. she sighs, "Oh Mark, come here." and she hugs me. We just kidna sit there for a while, we look at each other, I ask "You alright to get home by yourself?", she looked upset, "I am. I'll text you when I'm home, alright?", "Alright", and we hug for a little bit more. I say my goodnights and exit the car, wave her off, head inside and slump myself on the sofa. After a while I get a text from her: "Hey, I'm home hun! Hope you're tucked up in bed :) Thanks again for being such a gent. You're a darling x. Pleasant dreams - hapy birthday! x". I respond "I'll sleep well knowing you're safe :) Don't forget what I said! Every letter of it is true :) Good night :) x", she responds "You're a sweethearts :) Night x". I listened to some sad songs and went to bed.
The next two days are spent with my head an absolute mess of confusion, simultaneously happy and sad. Every moment spent reliving part of that night. We haven't talked since, but I think I'll say hi to her tomorrow night. We are going to a friend's band's gig on Tuesday and another one on Thursday, so that is planned anyway.
And that's it. If you managed to last my whinging and whining this far then thank you.
I don't really know what to think right now. I'm unsure if I'm looking for advice, or just want to hear feedback on the situation, but there you have it. I'm just pretty confused right now.
What I do know is that there is really something there. We had such a connection. Everything felt really natural and really. . .right. You know what I mean? I mean, we are both sociable people and stuff but neither of us are very touchy-feely and would never really do things like I described with just anyone. Last time I held a girl like that I was 16 and in love for the first time . *sigh*

TL;DR version, in picture form!

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Thanks for reading you guys. Sorry about the stupidly long post. With only minor adaptation you can use it as a short story for an English class.

[Serpentine]

Aw, sweet
Well... Sounds like you'd know better than anyone that a relationship shouldn't end just because you're interested in someone else. You had a point (though not necessarily a fair one) that if she really loved him she shouldn't have been doing any of that at all. Unless you just want to leave it alone and let her worth through things herself, if anything you probably should ask questions about this relationship of hers, and get her thinking about just how much it really means to her.
Still... bubbly.

[Felixaar]

Jimp, d'aww. Well done on every part. I would say you should probably step back, and let her think about it for a while - this is obviously what she needs to do. Do everything you possibly can as far as being gentlemanly and such, but try not to be to critical of the other guy. For all you know he's a perfectly nice person, etc... it can seem a little mean. But you did well! Good show. I hope it works out... just try to present yourself as the best option possible, and be supportive, but not pestery. Of course, eventually you might want to go for a big, showy, 'I just can't wait any longer!' kind of thing but try to hold off on that.

also,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I'd make you a topic but it's a little late rest assured I'll be noting this for NEXT YEAR.

[Syka]

First, happy birthday.

Second, unless you are willing to potentially become the Other Person, I would avoid being in intimate situations such as that with her. I'm not saying don't be a friend- I'd just suggest not being alone, etc. It's your choice, though. But I think before you guys get together she probably needs to figure out how to end a relationship because SHE needs it to end and not keep it going out of a sense of duty to the other person. That rarely ends well.

I wish you the best of luck with her. If she can figure out her relationship thing and you guys get together, it sounds like it could be good. :)

[Crispy Dave]

oops double postirific

[Crispy Dave]

Not another crazy teenager!!

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ok so usually when i'm into a girl its my penis talking. This time seems different and I know it sounds corny but it really feels different. I think this girl is into me. Tonight she was always about hugging me and she was near me the entire time. I felt closer to her then I have with anyone in a long time. I felt so connected to her tonight and wanted to just burst out and say "I love you" I don't even know her That well and just met your a couple months ago. I am 15 and so is she and don't even say this is hormones because it is different.

[CrimsonAngel]

Not another crazy teenager!!

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ok so usually when i'm into a girl its my penis talking. This time seems different and I know it sounds corny but it really feels different. I think this girl is into me. Tonight she was always about hugging me and she was near me the entire time. I felt closer to her then I have with anyone in a long time. I felt so connected to her tonight and wanted to just burst out and say "I love you" I don't even know her That well and just met your a couple months ago. I am 15 and so is she and don't even say this is hormones because it is different.

That can talk?

[xPANCAKEx]

crispydave

if you think you've got a genuine attraction that goes beyond purely physical to this girl, then go for it. Don't rush into things of course, and i'd DEFINATELY advise against the blurting out of "i love you" - puppy love can lead to severe heartbreak - but ask her out on a date and see how it goes

no harm done, surely?

[Crispy Dave]

That can talk?

yes it does

[CrimsonAngel]

*Listens to it.* Ew gross! Why would I wanna do that!

[Kaelaroth]

*Listens to it.* Ew gross! Why would I wanna do that!

Trust me, you'll want to.
Ah, to be young.

[CrimsonAngel]

Trust me, you'll want to.
Ah, to be young.

*points to symbol*

[Dragonrider]

Trust me, you'll want to.
Ah, to be young.

Given that I believe you're younger than I am, Kael, you're not really one to be talking about others' youth.

Unless he really IS younger than you.


Edit: well I suppose he is.

[Jimp]

Thanks for the feedback guys. I was a bit unfair with some of my comments, admitedly. I wasn't talking to her Friday or Saturday so there was some time to herself there. I'm texting her at the moment just talking about normal stuff. I'm seeing her Tuesday to see a friend's band play. She hasn't mentioned what happened yet and neither have I. I guess I'll have to see how it goes today+Tuesday.
Thanks for the happy birthdays too !
Also, Serpentine, what did you mean by bubbly? It's not a phrase I'm familiar with.

[Syka]

Careful where the genital talk goes...I don't want this closed down again for scrubbing bubbles. ;)

Crispy, follow Pancake's advice. It is sound. Also, my ex and I began dating when he was 15 and were together for just over three years so not all young love is 'false'. We were young and it didn't work out, but it was a great learning experience.

[Crispy Dave]

ok now she is flirting with me. She has been for over 24 hours now and now its over facebook so it wasn't just boredom yesterday.

Ok assuming I can bring myself to ask her I have another question.

How bad would it be to start something when your dead broke? And I mean broke like can't pay for my own food.

[Syka]

My ex had no job, other than occasionally get chainmail stuff sold, the entirety of us dating. I didn't mind.

There is a lot of free stuff you can do. Right now I'm totally broke and don't really like going out because I feel bad that my boyfriend pretty much HAS to pay for me if he wants me to go (he pays anyway normally, I just feel bad I can't even offer). If I waited until I have money to date...I'd probably be waiting a long time and I wouldn't have at all in high school.

[Crispy Dave]

My ex had no job, other than occasionally get chainmail stuff sold, the entirety of us dating. I didn't mind.

There is a lot of free stuff you can do. Right now I'm totally broke and don't really like going out because I feel bad that my boyfriend pretty much HAS to pay for me if he wants me to go (he pays anyway normally, I just feel bad I can't even offer). If I waited until I have money to date...I'd probably be waiting a long time and I wouldn't have at all in high school.

yes but you are a female.

[The Rose Dragon]

yes but you are a female.

Your point being?

[Coidzor]

How bad of a sign is it that the longer one thinks about a friend's situation with a girl, or even the girl in particular, that one's thought process becomes increasingly suspicious and negative?

In other news. Crispydave(?) How broke is broke? What sort of broke-ness is this? What are you doing to rectify this situation? Who do you have to turn to for aid?

[Crispy Dave]

Your point being?

in our society males are generally the ones who pick up the bill.

by broke I mean I have $2 and that is in the form of a $2 bill I was saving.

[The Rose Dragon]

in our society males are generally the ones who pick up the bill.

Yes, your society is misogynistic. Be proud of it.

Honestly, so is mine. I just wish that would change sometime soon.

[Quincunx]

Well, transport's what costs more than anything. Two people together can find stuff to do, and not just within the realm of 'date' activities, but getting them together without funds is the tricky part. If you can walk, dredge up enough for commercial bus fare, make friends with the school bus driver and hop on her route instead of yours*, or get her to handle the transportation, just plain dating should be fine.

*I don't know if they'd be willing to go out of the way, as they were when I was in school and taking the more flexible bus, but if it works--and what's the worst they could do, say no and ask you to leave--it's one-way transportation sorted. Bring a flower from the wayside or a sprout in a salvaged container when you first ask, though. Either you'll need it to sweeten the driver or give it to the girl.

[Syka]

Societally expected but not necessary. A girl worth dating will understand when you don't have money. Oz doesn't exactly make a lot of money at his job, enough for gas, some for going out a couple times a month, and that's it pretty much. I much more enjoy just hanging around watching our shows or playing Magic or whatever then going out to some fancy dinner and a movie (well...except the movie, we both like movies).

My point is basically that you don't have to pay for everything. I personally dislike that and if I have money I offer to pay. I frequently get turned down, but when 'dating' (ie, period between friendship and relationship) I make sure I have the money to pay my own way.

[Partof1]

I like this girl, and I'm pretty sure she likes me back, at least to a degree. I know about what I want to say, I just can't find an opportunity to ask her out, because using Facebook, etc., imo, is kinda stalkerish, and at school, she's always with her friends or in another class. Anyone have any advice on when a good chance to ask her would be? Or how to make an opportunity?

[Crispy Dave]

I like this girl, and I'm pretty sure she likes me back, at least to a degree. I know about what I want to say, I just can't find an opportunity to ask her out, because using Facebook, etc., imo, is kinda stalkerish, and at school, she's always with her friends or in another class. Anyone have any advice on when a good chance to ask her would be? Or how to make an opportunity?

I swear you are inside my head

[CrimsonAngel]

I like this girl, and I'm pretty sure she likes me back, at least to a degree. I know about what I want to say, I just can't find an opportunity to ask her out, because using Facebook, etc., imo, is kinda stalkerish, and at school, she's always with her friends or in another class. Anyone have any advice on when a good chance to ask her would be? Or how to make an opportunity?

Oh my god, I haven't seen you in forever! How are you? *reads post* Oh.

[Anuan]

Do you have her mobile/cell number?
Email?
IM?
I know you've got her facebook.
Send her a message via one of these mentioning you'd like to talk to her briefly away from her friends.
Try not to make it seem like you're sweating feverishly and squirming and panting about 'omgineedtotalktoyou.'
Just make a casual comment about how it'd be nice to hang out, just the two of you, or if you like being more direct, say something more along the lines of 'Hey, I was wondering if I could talk to you alone at school tomorrow."

[Partof1]

@Crimson: Heheh, but no worries, just this one issue.

@Anuan: Good idea, I could use something along those lines.