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  1. - Top - End - #661
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    Re-routing concern for the person who's calling to perform a mental dump, giving them the attention they crave (and from you no less!), is not the way to get them to Go Away. It might add a feeling of reciprocal treatment, though, to wake her up at two in the morning to pass on the names and numbers of counseling services and then hang up.

    [EDIT: Might've been taken more seriously if 300 hadn't been quoted to death already, mind you, but the positive points from quoting it in context for once balance that out.]
    Last edited by Quincunx; 2009-03-23 at 04:28 AM.

  2. - Top - End - #662
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    reorith, Serp makes a good point, but I had kind of gathered from your post that she was the kind of girl who is always having "issue's" etc, and complaining about stuff, and inventing drama - or even possibly lying about the whole situation in an attempt to get attention. Of course, it may be that she legitimately is having trouble or needs help - in either case, passing her on to a call centre number is probably a good idea.

    There's a good quote from Stephen King's The Stand about this sort of thing - I'm not sure on exact, but it goes something like "It's hard enough for a man to keep his own shoes tied without constantly checking on someone elses." So, yes, it's important to help other people whenever and however you can, but even more important is to recognise that people can only really help themselves, and sometimes just need to be let on their own so they stop relying on others all the time and get some backbone.

    So, yeah - help if you can but don't get caught up in it, and if you need to, Block on Internets and Phone.

    -Felix.

    edit: Oooh, I like Quin's idea, too. She's so smart.
    Last edited by Felixaar; 2009-03-23 at 05:12 AM.
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  3. - Top - End - #663
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    RedSorcererGirl

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    so i met liz at a starbucks, and i decided housin' would be a good idea in case things went from bad to ugly. it turns out she was recently dumped got back with the guy and was promptly dumped a second time, managed to alienate most of her friends in the process, and got fired with the addition of three or four other things. she wanted to talk to me because "i hated her the least." she'd always been a dramawhore, but i guess this was just too much even for her. after a lengthy explanation of her situation, she asked me what i would do. i told her to move to royal center, indiana, take up fly fishing and start over(that was my back up plan.) i never know what to say to questions like that, but if she is halfway across the country, she would be somebody else's problem. at that point, i left the table. just over ten hours and i haven't heard back from her!

  4. - Top - End - #664
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    if there isn't already a reorith fan club im going to found one!
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    Quote Originally Posted by loopy View Post
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  5. - Top - End - #665
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    Quote Originally Posted by xPANCAKEx View Post
    if there isn't already a reorith fan club im going to found one!
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  6. - Top - End - #666
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    Interesting method, Reorith. I can't help but think, though, that she won't be likely to improve until you state things in a more serious manner. Hope it works out though.
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  7. - Top - End - #667
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    That. . .that was a moment of beauty. Fly fishing. Private, sincere, masculine answer to "so what would you do???". Suggesting that someone who thrives on the attention of others get back to nature, where her only company will be herself. Best yet, following through on such a suggestion might even improve her, even though reorith didn't intend it--warm feeling of the moral high ground. I am in awe.

  8. - Top - End - #668
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    I don't understand why everyone keeps congratulating Reor for acting like a douche. At least he agreed to actually talk to her, but he wasn't exactly helpful, nor did he do anything likely to get her to leave him alone (if she does, and not because she hurt herself, kudos to you).
    So far as I can tell, just from these two posts, their respective sins are as follows:
    Hers
    1. Contacting someone who she could be assumed to suspect didn't want her to (though apparently only out of desperation).
    2. Offloading her troubles on someone who she could be assumed to suspect didn't want her to (though, again, only out of desperation).
    3. Sending "creepy" emails (though just what constitutes "creepy" has not been explained).
    4. Calling someone at rude hours.
    5. Apparently is in need of growing a backbone and handling relationships and friendships better.

    His
    1. Belittling and insulting someone obviously in need of help, both to her face and to others.
    2. Treating with extreme callousness someone whom, it may be presumed, he actually cared about at some point and who he has not given any explanation as to why he should so utterly not give a damn about now.
    3. Ignoring another person's cries of help.
    4. Dismissing someone's apparently near-crippling issues, because "she's always been a dramawhore".

    I hope, for both your sakes, that she found someone else to help her - not a doormat, to dote on her and listen with tears in their eyes to every one of her woes. Someone who will consider why she is calling so deperately on someone who she obviously has no illusions as to their opinion of her, and will consider the possibility of getting her the help she obviously needs, which will probably include her not talking to them.
    Last edited by Serpentine; 2009-03-24 at 09:11 AM.

  9. - Top - End - #669
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    i get as much enjoyment out of seeing my girlfriend as i do seeing any of my close friends and family but she's over the moon every time we hangout. There's nothing 'wrong' with her, i love her company, but i just don't get any special feelings of happiness when i'm with her that i don't get with hanging out with my little brother or my best friend, and i even kind of resent the way she gets upset if i have to cancel plans.
    Given, she lives an hour's (at least) drive away and so the time we have to spend together is limited, but i can't help it if i fall ill and can't come out for a drive with her.
    And i'm moving interstate soon (so the 1+hours to get to me will soon turn into a hard day of driving or $200+ on airfares that she doesn't have living on a student's budget and paying back a mortgage).

    I know she's super-sensitive about her overreacting to when i have to cancel on her as in the past she's offered to break up if it was too much and i totally understand her upset, but well, i've started questioning lately if it's worth keeping going with this relationship... i quite openly said that i love her, but that i also love my mother and my cousins and my friends and my lizards (and to be honest, i really love my lizards and mother more).
    And like a woman (and i'm trying not to be sexist, but it is true for all the women i know) she says things like "Oh i'm going for the drive regardless of whether you're coming or not because i need it" and then when i have to cancel bursts into tears and doesn't go and after going through all of her insecurities with me makes plans to do it at a later date when i can come. The point is, she says a lot of stuff that she doesn't actually mean but that she thinks will take any pressure off me.

    urg... i don't know what to do, i'm good at convincing myself that i don't want or like something just because it is or will be an issue (which moving interstate from your partner certainly is) but at the same time i've never really desperately wanted a partner - least not in the girlfriend sense - as i don't enjoy being kissed or sex or spending large amounts of time with people, or having to change my life in order to fit around someone else, i just want someone to (eventually) help me raise my kid/s and that i can call and talk to every time i need them.

    I don't really know if anyone can give advice and i don't expect it, i just need to get my feelings out somewhere so i can start analysing them properly and move on to other thoughts...
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  10. - Top - End - #670
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    Serpentine

    i'd say calling someone up repeatedly who you know has a very low opinion of you when they really don't wanna talk to you to vent over stuff they really don't wanna hear about certainly qualifies for the dramawhore catagory

    the onus is on her with this one.

    don't seek advice/emotional re-assurance from people who don't like you and expect them to be pleased with it - its a no brainer

    Agamid

    i can relate to that lack of excitement... im not going to try and tell you how you'll feel after you move, but what i can say is this:

    a relationship should never feel like more of burden or a chore than something of enjoyment

    If it begins to be more of the former than the latter then i wouldn't persue it any further (especially over distance). Any pressure she puts on you may be unintentional, but its pressure all the same so don't dismiss it without factoring it into your decision making.
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    Quote Originally Posted by loopy View Post
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  11. - Top - End - #671
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    Agamid, exactly what Pancake said.


    Another job update: I very well may end up not having that much time on my hands beginning in the next few weeks. I pretty much have one job, and I just got an offer for another one. I go in for that interview on Friday and I'm hoping to get it. Both are part time, so it would be nice, and both are places I like to go.
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  12. - Top - End - #672
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    Good luck, Syka!
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  13. - Top - End - #673
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    Quote Originally Posted by xPANCAKEx View Post
    if there isn't already a reorith fan club im going to found one!
    Cool! I want in!

  14. - Top - End - #674
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    Lucky Onasuma is lucky. Basically, tomorrow we have an off time table day doing one thing or another. Not really sure...

    Anyhow, the lucky part is that we've all been put into groups across the year and convineiently, Im with X (see two pages back). Quite small groups as well, and alot of this day leaves us free to do what we wish around the school. Hopefully, Ill be able to broach the subject then.
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  15. - Top - End - #675
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    is after not talking to someone for only 25 hours you cry yourself to sleep over them are you in love with them? I am also already thinking of ways to propose at the age of 15. yaaa I think I got issues
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  16. - Top - End - #676
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    Quote Originally Posted by crispydave View Post
    is after not talking to someone for only 25 hours you cry yourself to sleep over them are you in love with them? I am also already thinking of ways to propose at the age of 15. yaaa I think I got issues
    1. No, it just means you're obsessed. Happens to the best of us.

    2. I have been planning the best way to propose since the age of 8. Still making changes to the plan from time to time, depending on the conditions of the day and the girl in question.
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  17. - Top - End - #677
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    Agamid has a girlfriend? Hope!
    Anyway, I think you need to think about the situation maybe a bit more objectively. You need to consider why you are "with" this person, as opposed to just their friend. Is it because you genuinely care about them that much? Or is it some other reason - guilt, maybe, or the assurance that someone will always be there for you? If you don't want to be in this relationship for itself, then you need to seriously consider getting out of it as soon as possible, for both your sakes.
    Also, where're you moving to?

    Crispydave: That is extremely unhealthy. Other than that, though, I don't know what to suggest...

    Pancake: I never said she wasn't a "dramawhore", and I never said that she wasn't in the wrong in this - I even explicitly included "Contacting and offloading her troubles onto someone who she could be assumed to suspect didn't want her to" as two of her sins. I am not condoning her actions, which obviously stem from some deep-seated issues, and which Reor (I pronounce it "roar") himself indicated were a last-resort act of desperation, but nor am I going to laude douchebaggery. He could have handled this with just as much self-concern, and with infinitely more understanding and consideration. But he didn't, and you are praising this decision to the high heavens.
    Last edited by Serpentine; 2009-03-24 at 07:47 PM.

  18. - Top - End - #678
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    ok so I'm obsessed and it is unhealthy...so should I do something about this?
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  19. - Top - End - #679
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    Quote Originally Posted by crispydave View Post
    ok so I'm obsessed and it is unhealthy...so should I do something about this?
    Go for a walk, play video games, read a book, watch a movie, play with your dog, etc, etc.

    Basically, just do other stuff. Being overly excited at first is actually kinda of common. However, if you let it show, it can be a huge turn off. Essentially, you'll have to force yourself to cool down until your feelings go back to normal (which they will).

  20. - Top - End - #680
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    Quote Originally Posted by crispydave View Post
    ok so I'm obsessed and it is unhealthy...so should I do something about this?
    Do something physical; I normally run until I can barely stand.

    Well, OK, this is my method for when I have to think about something/calm down, but it's worked for "obsessions" before (after a couple days).

  21. - Top - End - #681
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    Is this the right thread for this? I wonder...

    Anyways, my fiance continually blames everything that is going wrong on herself. This is greatly effecting the relationship, even so far as punishing herself by sleeping in the livingroom on the floor. She has had next to nothing to do with the things going wrong. Can anyone think of any situation that has precedence to this that is similar, and how it was solved?

    I don't know what to do...

  22. - Top - End - #682
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    Quote Originally Posted by Serpentine View Post
    Also, where're you moving to?
    To canberra, in august, but will be there all april too. moving for study, for fun, to get out of brisbane and for my cousin, who needs a support network down there (and who i will be living with).
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  23. - Top - End - #683
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    Quote Originally Posted by Agamid View Post
    .

    urg... i don't know what to do, i'm good at convincing myself that i don't want or like something just because it is or will be an issue (which moving interstate from your partner certainly is) but at the same time i've never really desperately wanted a partner - least not in the girlfriend sense - as i don't enjoy being kissed or sex or spending large amounts of time with people, or having to change my life in order to fit around someone else, i just want someone to (eventually) help me raise my kid/s and that i can call and talk to every time i need them.

    I don't really know if anyone can give advice and i don't expect it, i just need to get my feelings out somewhere so i can start analysing them properly and move on to other thoughts...
    It sounds to me that what you really want is a close platonic relationship and not a romantic one. You don't enjoy the physical aspects of a romantic relationship and your feelings for your girlfriend are similiar to those towards your family and platonic friends.

    The problem is that she probably wants a physical relationship. This is compounded with the fact that it will soon be a long distance relationship. I believe you should seriously think about ending it as a romantic relationship. If you think that the both of you can handle just being friends (it sounds like you can), I'd try that approach.

  24. - Top - End - #684
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    I<3Bed: No cheerful result here--that problem got solved when I packed up and left that relationship. Such was the slow drift of realizing I'd fallen out of love with someone who had (to echo you) next to nothing to do with things going wrong.

    On an unrelated note, that is one odd and coincidental username to fit with this post. . .
    Last edited by Quincunx; 2009-03-25 at 04:45 AM. Reason: Someday, I'll spot the ambiguity in my post before hitting "Enter". Today is not that day.

  25. - Top - End - #685
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    Serp, I agree, I don't think reorith is making the best choices here by his general oddness in the situation. However, his creativity has to be admired. And to be honest, I think this is one of those situations where the person can't be helped; their problem is they don't know how to help themselves.

    Agamid, listen to what snoopy said, I agree.

    Ona, alright man! Go for it! If you haven't already, check out the talking to girls link in my sig!

    Skya, no fair, spread 'em around!

    Dave, I don't want to be harsh, but no, I don't think you're in love - this sounds more like teenage infatuation. It's pretty common, but it's a part of life. Don't propose for atleast another three years, and don't become a clingy obsessed stalking guy. Just try to relax and let things move slow - part of being in a relationship is trusting that though your love may be out of sight now, they will return to you.

    Cheers all and good will,
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  26. - Top - End - #686
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    Stupid onasuma is stupid. So many bloody times today, so many failures. Honestly, Im pathetic. It was always "oh, Ill ask her just before break. Then lunch then on the way to last period, then after last period ends (I actually tried at this one, but the hustle of everyone leaving screwed me over as her friends interupted) then at the lockers and final when I was walking back to school (walked up the road with a mate, then back for my trombone exam) when she was with a friend. so, Ive set myself a new goal. I ask her by the end of the week, or I dont go to Salute (big gaming con this weekend).
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  27. - Top - End - #687
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    Oh that is so sweet ona.. I can't imagine what it must be like having to ask someone out I last did it 7 years ago and I was sooo nervous then!!!!!!

    Have you not been able to get her alone yet?!? and just ask you are doing yourself more damage not asking than asking I guess

    What are you asking her to? try a causal thing cos then its easier to ask then :D
    *runs off and hides*

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  28. - Top - End - #688
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    Quote Originally Posted by Ranna View Post
    Oh that is so sweet ona.. I can't imagine what it must be like having to ask someone out I last did it 7 years ago and I was sooo nervous then!!!!!!

    Have you not been able to get her alone yet?!? and just ask you are doing yourself more damage not asking than asking I guess

    What are you asking her to? try a causal thing cos then its easier to ask then :D
    The hardest thing in life is finding a time when girls arent traveling in packs.

    Anyhow, she wants to go and see Slumdog, so I thorght that would be a decent idea.
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  29. - Top - End - #689
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    Ona I had that exact same problem. I used facebook to remedy this, or even her phone number, if you have it. Don't ask her out over the internet, but try to arrange a meeting. Go about it casually. Not the perfect solution, but It works pretty well.
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  30. - Top - End - #690
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, The Seventh Saga

    Quote Originally Posted by Felixaar View Post
    Dave, I don't want to be harsh, but no, I don't think you're in love - this sounds more like teenage infatuation. It's pretty common, but it's a part of life. Don't propose for atleast another three years, and don't become a clingy obsessed stalking guy. Just try to relax and let things move slow - part of being in a relationship is trusting that though your love may be out of sight now, they will return to you.
    wasn't planning on proposing for a few years anyway I was just mentioning that I was already thinking of ways to do it.
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