New OOTS products from CafePress
New OOTS t-shirts, ornaments, mugs, bags, and more
Page 1 of 50 123456789101126 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 30 of 1474
  1. - Top - End - #1
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Bor the Barbarian Monk's Avatar

    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Self-imposed exile
    Gender
    Male

    Default Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    ...it's D-D's patented titanium cookies for you! (Yes, you wrote that, Bor. Don't forget this time.)

    Welcome, one and all, to DT IV. That would be "Depression Thread the Fourth," not "Depressing Thoughts fed Intravenously." It took us just shy of nine months to require a new thread, which I'd like to think is a good sign. It means folks are holding their own for the most part.

    But as before, let's lay down the ground rules - a ritual that was started in the last thread.

    1: As understanding as we try to be on this thread, there are still rules to be followed. If you haven't read them in some time, it would be a good idea to refresh your memory before your emotional posts become something that will get you in trouble.

    2: We call this "the Depression Thread," but we're not picky. Just about every psych issue is welcome here. That said, there's a specific issue that *I* try to avoid. In fact, there's a whole thread dedicated to Relationship Woes and Advice*. Really...I'm sorry Cupid keeps spitting in your eye, and not shooting arrows in your tuchas, but please take such concerns to those better equipped to handle it.

    3: YOUR PROBLEMS, WHATEVER THEY MAY BE, ARE NO BETTER OR WORSE THAN ANYONE ELSE'S! No matter how often it's repeated, someone always comes along and writes an approximation of, "My problems are petty and stupid and not worth posting." If such a statement were even vaguely true, your problems wouldn't be problems at all. Contemplating suicide? We're here to help. Strained relations within your family that are causing you to burn out? We're here to help. Your favorite MMO is being revamped in such a way that's it's causing an emotional meltdown? We are STILL here to help.

    EDIT: As per special request, should you say your problems are worthless in the midst of your post, you will be slapped with a goat.

    4: No better way to say this, so it's a cut-n-paste: We are friends helping friends. Our advice is not professional, nor is it always the best. If you feel you are not receiving the help you need, or deem yourself a danger to yourself and/or others, SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP IMMEDIATELY!

    5: A new issue has come along...Amidst the emotional releases and the dispensing of advice, there seems to be quite a bit of random banter. I seem to be guilty of it as much as others. I can't demand that it not happen, but if you could bring it to Random Banter*, it would be appreciated. If the communication would best be kept private, send PMs. TRY not to let basic RB dominate the thread, okay?

    6: Back in the DT 2, a mod came along and...Well, here's what he had to say:
    Comrade Gorby: Apologies for hijacking this post.

    Please note that any posts advocating or aiding in another poster harming themselves will be removed. This behavior is unacceptable on these forums for a number of reasons, not least of which that it advocates/promotes illegal activity.

    We urge anyone struggling with these feelings to seek help.

    I now return you to your regularly scheduled thread.
    I would like to add just a bit to that. When giving advice, THINK before you post. There's a lot of emotional distress going on here. Many, including myself, are in delicate shape psychologically. Sometimes it takes just ONE wrong word to cause someone to blow all of their emotional fuses. If you can't help, it's okay to simply offer *HUGS* and stand back; an online hug is a perfectly acceptable way of letting someone know you care.

    And so, my friends, the new thread begins. If you have the need, feel free to post what's happened in the past nice and early as a refresher, and then follow up later with further developments. Some of us don't have the best memories, so reminders often help, especially if you were in the middle of an issue when the last thread was closed.

    As we move forward, and the masses unload their collective woes onto this thread, I suggest you try with all you have in your heart and mind to BE WELL, and STAY WELL!

    *Links are subject to become useless as the respective threads move forward.
    Last edited by Bor the Barbarian Monk; 2009-06-06 at 07:11 PM.
    "Goodnight, Rosebud."

    Thanks to Lord Herman for the avatar!

    Those who wish access to my blog should reach out to me on FB.

  2. - Top - End - #2
    Orc in the Playground
     
    lord of kobolds's Avatar

    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Outside the Asylum
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Wait, Bor, you forgot about the punishment for saying "my problem is nothing compared to these guys". Don't you take that away, I just got my special slapping goat
    Yup, I'm back

  3. - Top - End - #3
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
    TheCountAlucard's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Just a little bummed; turns out that the fact that I unintentionally slept through three of my final exams last semester has made me ineligible for financial aid; I may be put under "academic probation," giving me this semester to bring up my grades, provided my parents send in a signed copy of their taxes.

    Also, having problems with loans.

    On the other hand, listening to Great Big Sea's "Ordinary Day" has lifted my spirits a little bit.

  4. - Top - End - #4
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
    Dogmantra's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    With Uncle Crassius

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Ramblings about low-self-esteem, specifically, mine:
    Spoiler
    Show
    Outward, I appear quite confident. I do this because it's good to be confident. On the inside, however, I am extremely sensitive. So sensitive, it can be very bad for my health. There was one... incident... which started with me having a bunch of people miss the point, and then inadvertently insult me (it wasn't their fault, I take people telling me about being happy for their success in something I failed at [particularly if I only tried once, and they tried multiple times] as an insult). Then... well then I was told by my drama teacher ... drama teacher, with no qualifications at all that "I probably had Asperger's" (incidentally, she denies it, saying that she only said that certain things I did were "Aspergic", which pretty much amounts to the same thing). There's nothing wrong with having Asperger's, but I do not have it. I know this because my mother works in mental health, and she (who is actually qualified) would know if something was up.

    Anyway, what was a petty implication that someone was better at something than me ended up with me having over a week off school for depression, and me getting told I probably had Asperger's by a drama teacher.

    Story of my life, someone might say. They might say this if they actually liked that metaphor. Basically, this low self-esteem, and easily-offended-ness has managed to get me called "selfish" before, purely because I got upset at something someone said, and then said "you know I have low self-esteem" as defence when they got all upset at the fact I had to justify why they'd done bettter than me.

    This brings me to my next, and probably final, point. I have to justify things that make me feel bad about myself. If I get 97% on a test, it's not "yeah! 97%!", it's "what did I get wrong? Oh, I divided instead of multiplied. But that's okay, because I probably remembered the formula incorrectly". Understandably, this gets people quite annoyed, when they're happy about something they've done better than I, and they say so to my face.

    Anyway, enough of my rambling. It's not as bad as I've been making it out to be, and the Asperger's thing is... pseudo-sorted (one of the conditions of me actually coming back to school was her apologising, which I still haven't received, months after the incident), but I'd appreciate advice for coping, it can get stressful at times.

    Wow... that's a lot more than I meant to write, but it's nice to be able to say these things with the anonimity of the net-o-webs.
    BANG → !
    OH LOOK AT HER/.../YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN/YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN/YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN MEAN/RICHARDS

  5. - Top - End - #5
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Bor the Barbarian Monk's Avatar

    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Self-imposed exile
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    TheCountAlucard:
    Spoiler
    Show
    Well, I certainly hope things work out in your favor. However, I feel the need to point out that this is but a small taste of what awaits you in the "real" world. Schools will accept a note from one's mom, but employers will require doctors' notes and the like.

    I was never one to wake up well. In fact, I can be downright mean when I'm awaken before I want to get out of bed. But prior to becoming disabled, when my alarm clock went off, usually my first thought was, Get up or you're fired! Sleeping through the time when I should have been up and on my way to work simply wasn't an option; not if I wanted to go on paying my bills.

    College/Uni is your training period, and it's a case of you either learning that life lesson in short order or finding out there are worse penalties than not making the principal's "best attendance list." When you were younger, there was a lot of room for mistakes like sleeping through an exam. As time goes on, the margin for error gets smaller and smaller, until there's almost no forgiveness.

    No...Take this existential slap on the hand and LERAN from it. Need a louder alarm clock? Buy one. The clock too close and you can hit the snooze button too easily? Put the clock on the other side of the room. If you need to set up a rig where the trip-hammer on a wind-up alarm clock sets into motion a convoluted device that eventually dumps ice water on your head, so be it.

    Now go forth, young warrior prince, and continue your conquest of the world...on a timely basis, if you please!


    Dogmantra:
    Spoiler
    Show
    Like many people, you describe the problem, understand it very well, know the solutions, and manage not to employ them. That is, you seem to know the solutions, as you describe the problem so well.

    Striving for perfection isn't a bad thing, but not many people set the bar as high as possible and then try to jump it. (I'm gonna run with this analogy.) When you do, and you collide with the bar, you still land on your feet and start talking about what happened. "I jumped too [early/late], and didn't calculate the opposing wind speed, nor did I take into account that I haven't properly broken in my running shoes, and I failed miserably by looking into the sun at just the wrong moment, thereby losing sight of my objective...and I know all the solutions, so I'll do better next time." Meanwhile, everyone around you is staring at the height of the bar and wondering if you've lost your mind, because it's impossible (for them) to jump that high on the first try.

    To those not working to be the absolute best that they can be, it comes across as arrogance. And no matter how you try to explain that you have low self-esteem, they still see you as being arrogant for having set the bar beyond their general expectations. It's becoming a problem amongst humans. They're satisfied with striving for that golden 85%, while you're eying 100%. The more you talk about it, the more attention you draw to your extraordinary objectives.

    Instead, when you get that 97%, keep it to yourself. When people ask how you did, tell them you did well, and leave it at that. If they did better than you, congratulate them, and know that in all likelihood, they'd set the bar much lower than you, and are pleased to have done as well as they did.

    Also, start working on perpsective. Not sure why, but I'm thinking of the movie Summer School. (Typical movie for the 80's, starring Mark Marmon and Kirstie Alley.) Now, I hate ruining the end of the movie on the extremely slim chance someone wants to see it, but there's a lesson in it. Prior to summer school, one of the students had scored something along the lines of a 29% in English. After retaking the final after summer classes, he still received a failing grade of something like 56%. The thing is, the kid almost DOUBLED his original grade. The technical numbers say he failed, but the practical numbers say he was a greater success than when he started.

    When you see a grade of 97%, you need to know that that's a success. That you got a question or two wrong isn't failure. And you should count yourself blessed with the ability to retain and apply those lessons that were given in class, especially when the rest of the world is trying to apply their intelligence into the best ways to cheat instead of studying.

    Further instructions following in the next spoiler. Brace yourself.


    lord of kobolds:
    Spoiler
    Show
    Y'know, it sounded a lot like Dogmantra was trying to dismiss his problems as petty. TIME TO BREAK IN THAT SLAPPING GOAT!
    "Goodnight, Rosebud."

    Thanks to Lord Herman for the avatar!

    Those who wish access to my blog should reach out to me on FB.

  6. - Top - End - #6
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
    Dogmantra's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    With Uncle Crassius

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Quote Originally Posted by Bor the Barbarian Monk View Post
    Instead, when you get that 97%, keep it to yourself. When people ask how you did, tell them you did well, and leave it at that.

    lord of kobolds:
    Spoiler
    Show
    Y'know, it sounded a lot like Dogmantra was trying to dismiss his problems as petty. TIME TO BREAK IN THAT SLAPPING GOAT!
    Which incidentally, is what I try to do... It doesn't help when people say that "it's stupid" for me to do that.

    And the goat... well, if it helps with the depression, go ahead.
    Hit me as hard as you can!

    I mean... It sounded like it was taking over my life, when reading back over it, and it isn't as bad as it sounded...
    I'm digging myself out of a hole here...
    Last edited by Dogmantra; 2009-06-06 at 08:58 PM.
    BANG → !
    OH LOOK AT HER/.../YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN/YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN/YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN MEAN/RICHARDS

  7. - Top - End - #7
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Bor the Barbarian Monk's Avatar

    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Self-imposed exile
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Quote Originally Posted by Dogmantra View Post
    And the goat... well, if it helps with the depression, go ahead.
    Hit me as hard as you can!

    I mean... It sounded like it was taking over my life, when reading back over it, and it isn't as bad as it sounded...
    I'm digging myself out of a hole here...
    You're missing the point, champ. "Rule" number three exists for a reason. In a way, I'M the reason. My tales of woe are numerous, and many people would come to the thread and post things like, "Well, I was going to put up a really long post about something that's bothering me, but after reading Bor's posts, my problems are nothing." That kind of post is a 50/50 win in my book, because I'm glad that they realize things could be worse. It's why I open up about my life so freely.

    At the same time, I don't want people believing their problems mean any less because mine are so great. Stress, whatever the source, can become harmful of it finds no release. Not just emotionally, but physically. The theft of my clothes on Wednesday, for example, has had me fighting my diabetes for the last few days. That's why I mention it to anyone with ears. Heck, I even told my neighbor who, while the has ears, is DEAF! I'm trying desperately to brush it aside, since the loss of clothes is not like losing a family member to illness. Still, it's far better to get the emotional poison out than keeping it bottled up.

    What's more, your issues didn't "sound" like anything. But they certainly READ like an issue worthy of a response. So I gave one. And inside that response is an important message. It's not what was said; it's how it was said. I like to imagine that, for the most part, I respond with a degree of respect. I also like to try to add a drop of humor, as a smile often helps against depression and other illnesses. Of course, there's also the BIG message that is only implied..."I saw your post and cared enough to say something to you about it, hoping that I helped in some way." That's a universal "I." Whenever anyone responds to a post on this thread, it's saying that they care. That message is one of the best features of this thread.
    "Goodnight, Rosebud."

    Thanks to Lord Herman for the avatar!

    Those who wish access to my blog should reach out to me on FB.

  8. - Top - End - #8
    Colossus in the Playground
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Dinosaur Museum aw yisss.
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Quote Originally Posted by Dogmantra View Post
    Then... well then I was told by my drama teacher ... drama teacher, with no qualifications at all that "I probably had Asperger's" (incidentally, she denies it, saying that she only said that certain things I did were "Aspergic", which pretty much amounts to the same thing).
    I don't quite get what's so bad about this... My (GP) mum used to think I had OCD, and when I told her that a friend of mine had Asperger's she said that she thought I was more likely to have it than him. Not all "Aspergic" traits are bad... Now I'm thinking I might have/have had Tourette's. If anyone knows anything about it, I'd quite like to ask some questions about it.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dogmantra View Post
    I know this because my mother works in mental health, and she (who is actually qualified) would know if something was up.
    Not necessarily. Ever heard the saying about the cobbler whose children go to school with old shoes, or the plumber with leaking pipes? From my understanding of doctors (or doctory type people), they can range between total hypochondriac (such as my mother) to "it couldn't possibly happen to me/my child/someone I know" and thus ignoring or not noticing things (also my mother, only when it comes to other people).

    Quote Originally Posted by Dogmantra View Post
    This brings me to my next, and probably final, point. I have to justify things that make me feel bad about myself. If I get 97% on a test, it's not "yeah! 97%!", it's "what did I get wrong? Oh, I divided instead of multiplied. But that's okay, because I probably remembered the formula incorrectly". Understandably, this gets people quite annoyed, when they're happy about something they've done better than I, and they say so to my face.
    I can sympathise with this. If I'm talking to a friend and they get, say, 66% (a Credit at my uni), I'll be happy for them. A Credit's a Credit! Very worth having. On the other hand, when I got 97% on an assignment (from a notoriously hard-arse marker, too), I was pretty pleased, but I also figured that, if I could get 97%, why couldn't I get the other 3%? What was the 3% I did wrong?
    I don't really have much to help you on this score. I still do it, after all. Just, do yourself the courtesy of acknowledging what you've done right, and use it to motivate you to do better, I guess.

    I'm making progress on my D&D game. Not much, but I'm getting there. Once that's done, I won't do anymore preparation 'til I've got my uni work and house under control. A friend of mine, still doing his honours from last year, made me feel a bit better about falling so behind, too.
    Last edited by Serpentine; 2009-06-07 at 02:28 AM.

  9. - Top - End - #9
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Exeson's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Behind You
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    So, here is a question to help kick off the thread then.

    I have a very good friend who has depression, I wouldn't be able to tell you what kind or anything because he does not like to talk about it. All I know is that it is mental rather than chemical so they cannot just give him pills for it.

    Thing is his depression comes in waves and well, sometimes I just feel a bit helpless. I find it hard to empathize with him because, of course, I don't have the same condition.

    My questions is are there any ways (or not as the case may be) that I can maybe help him or cheer him up when he has one of his waves? It just sucks seeing him like that and not really knowing if I can do anything to help.
    Avatar by JenZee
    Sigatar by Me

  10. - Top - End - #10
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
    Dogmantra's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    With Uncle Crassius

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Quote Originally Posted by Serpentine View Post
    I don't quite get what's so bad about this...
    It wasn't really the major problem, now I look back. It was just the final straw in a sense. I felt like I was being taken away and being given a "good talking to", and the way she said it sounded like I needed an excuse for being the way I am. That was the worst part.
    Last edited by Dogmantra; 2009-06-07 at 04:05 AM.
    BANG → !
    OH LOOK AT HER/.../YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN/YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN/YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN MEAN/RICHARDS

  11. - Top - End - #11
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    The Valiant Turtle's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Indiana
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    ((Sorry to interrupt, but for those who might want to assist Bor in is hour of clothing need please see the comment I just made on his blog whenever he gets around to approving it, or just PM me. I have found an exceptionally cheap source of diabetic socks online.))

  12. - Top - End - #12
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Bor the Barbarian Monk's Avatar

    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Self-imposed exile
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Okay...I'm going to start with The Valiant Turtle's quest to help me. I HAVE the clothes. It seems people are missing that particular point. When I say "they stole everything," it means that THEY STOLE EVERYTHING. I went shopping the next day, wearing jeans that cut into my waist the entire day. The shirt I wore had the "lowest" amount of sweat stains I could find, and it was found in the pile of ancient tee shirts that I've kept for the purpose of using as dust rags. It was from that same pile that I used three shirts to dry off after a shower, as the thief/thieves stole my last functioning bath towel. I wore two different socks out into the world, both of which were old enough to have turned from white to "tan." (Ahhh...What living in a desert will do to one's clothes!) And, please...Don't push. I'm desperately trying not to bring tales of the condition of my underwear into this whole thing.

    I am trying to also avoid soliciting my current needs on these boards. I am leaving that particular plea on my blog. Diabetic socks are what I consider a luxury at this time. I absolutely love that someone is trying to get a "sock drive" going, but standard socks were bought on Thursday because I was left with none but the virtual rags I just happen to have in my closet.

    My apologies if this comes across as a frustrated rant, but...well, to use my diabetes as an example, it's as though people are offering me candy bars to help with high blood sugar. "I don't need candy, I need insulin." "Yes, we know. But we have all these candy bars, so have them." "No, that won't help me survive...It'll kill me." "We know. But all we have are candy bars, so here's an entire box of them." The sentiment is to want to help, but the wrong aid is being offered. My blog holds what I actually need. That's as close as I will come to saying it here. I leave it to you folks as to whether or not you go there, and whether or not you can help.

    That, I hope, is that.

    Exeson: A GitPer called me the other day. Few from the boards have my number, and she realized she was overdue to give me a ring. I was off to the races, venting about the theft of my clothes, going as far as accusing her of arranging the long-distance theft to get her hands on my skivvies. After she laughed at my ranting, she apologized, and I replied, "Oh, come on. Of course you laughed. You laughed because I make it sound funny." And that's how I get my emotional poison out; I try to make it a joke. The alternative is to become embittered and rage against all of humanity. Is it a shock? Yes, because I was robbed of every wearable piece of clothing I owned. Am I angry? Yes, because there's a sense of violation and injustice that comes with being robbed. Am I frustrated? Yes, and I vent it by rambling on to anyone with ears to hear me.

    And that's just it. Many who listen to me remain unsure of what to make of me. An hour after the theft, the Phoenix Police Department finally got around to calling me, and Officer Carl asked me the value of what was stolen. When I asked if the PDP will be cutting me a check for the lost items, he said he sincerely doubted it. "Well, on the off chance that they do, all of my Armani shirts and socks were stolen, with a total value of $500." When he was done laughing, we settled on around $150 to $200...I think. I also commented that he needed victims as cheerful as myself, and he said he really did. But he recognized I needed a vent, and he was willing to play the role of understanding ear in that moment in time.

    Sometimes, that's all anyone can be. The GitPer and Officer Carl could do nothing BUT listen, as both remain powerless to do anything else. You may not be able to empathize with your friend, but you can certainly be there for him. Let him vent. Offer a hug if you think he'll accept. And if things are serious enough, and you can't handle it all, guide him toward therapy.

    Since you mention it may be purely psychological, you might also try jarring him out of his slump. I'm very much against someone saying, "Snap out of it." That just doesn't work. But if you take action without saying the words, that may help him. Change the scenary by dragging him out to a park and getting some fresh air. Take in a movie. Can't get him out of the house? Pop online and look for silly things that will bring smiles and laughter. Can't handle it alone? Call in other friends and get them involved. You don't even have to give specific reasons why. "I need help getting So-N-So off his tuchas. Come help me drag him to the car so he'll have fun...or else!"

    Oh...and a GREAT group activity is to pool some money together and buy a notebook. The rules of the game are simple. No one is aloud to tear out pages, nor correct mistakes. You must also leave your entry unfinished. Then start a story, passing the book around to each person for them to add what they will. The resulting story is usually good for MANY laughs. From my own experiences doing this:

    Friend 1: Scabba the Immense wandered to and fro, back and forth, from his kitchen,
    Me: to his kitchen, to his bathroom,
    I...ummm...had failed to notice my previous friend had already mentioned the kitchen once, and mistakes STAY!
    Friend 2: wondering all the while why he had two kitchens.
    Another favorite:

    Friend: It was another job well done. Dunder Klutz wouldn't be "saving" anymore innocents and sending them to the hospital. With that in mind, Roger took a heroic stance, looked to the sky,
    Me: and moshed.


    In the end, sometimes the best thing you can do is be there for a friend, and let them know you care.
    "Goodnight, Rosebud."

    Thanks to Lord Herman for the avatar!

    Those who wish access to my blog should reach out to me on FB.

  13. - Top - End - #13
    Orc in the Playground
     
    lord of kobolds's Avatar

    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Outside the Asylum
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    And, I'm back. No surprise there.

    The contract is going horribly. I'm having trouble with a lot of the things, and my dad refusing to accept the fact that it is a process. He expects me to be able to follow it to the letter immediately. Almost everything in there is something that does not come easily, and he refuses to recognize that. He keeps on talking about the "sacrifices" he is making. He says he is going against his instinct to view me as an individual. I don't know if he was joking or not, but either way, it's inexcusable. I'll admit, the contract has not been my first priority. That has been just getting through the day. Even doing that is becoming a struggle.
    Last edited by lord of kobolds; 2009-06-07 at 08:27 PM.
    Yup, I'm back

  14. - Top - End - #14
    Titan in the Playground
     
    golentan's Avatar

    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Bottom of a well

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Okay, groundrules first, because when I posted in the last thread someone made some leaps that sent me off on a tailspin, and I didn't bother coming back until now. The rules are:

    1. I am not schizophrenic. Any use of this term will make me very upset. I am schizoaffective, which is a fancy word for (as far as I can tell) "well, he doesn't meet any of the other symptoms, and we have no clue what's actually wrong, but he has psychosis and is upset about it so we'll throw in this word and say we've got it diagnosed."
    2. I do not "hear voices." Nor do I "see things." Hallucinations are right out. This is especially not to be combined with violations of rule 1.
    3. I am not taking comments on my medication or dosage. I have a very good Psychiatrist, who I see on a regular basis. We are working on things from that aspect, and saying "try asking for an adjustment of your dosage" is not helpful, thank you very much.
    4. I am here to talk because it feels good to be able to talk honestly without people panicking and either dismissing me as "crazy" (which people I meet casually are likely to do) or thinking I'm going to go off the deep end (which some of the more protective people close to me think, even though they didn't see what I ACTUALLY look like prior to going off the deep end). I like my life, and I like myself, and that includes all of my memories and weirdness, even if they do make life difficult from time to time. And there are things that worry me, that I don't want to share with all of my friends because it's NOT THEIR BURDEN and I'll be DAMNED before I see them worrying about things they can't help. They are a very good support network, and I use them for issues they can help with. I am here to rant about the things they can't help with, because it's good to know other people know. With that in mind, if you know me IRL please don't read the spoilers.

    Spoiler
    Show
    Okay, quick recap. I am schizoaffective. The only medication we've found that decreases the depression increases psychosis, and vice versa. My symptoms are delusions (memories of colossal power, ancient atrocities, and millennia of reincarnation) and depression (Feeling mopey and tired, with very low self-esteem). The depression is post-traumatic, in that I tried committing suicide before displaying any symptoms of it, and for no explicable reason, and the depression manifested afterwards. I am high-functioning, intelligent, erudite, and aware of things being improbable or impossible even when I am in the unshakable death grip of believing them. CLEAR?

    Okay, on to the crux of the matter. I have been almost entirely depression free for months now. And with an unclouded eye, I have begun to look to what makes ME happy, and you know what? It isn't what makes everyone else happy. Most people at my intellectual level go through school, specialize, and go off and get a high paying job which they profess to enjoy. School is a major stressor for me, with high volumes of makework, high cost, and low personal returns. I took a class recently where I didn't turn in any of the homework, didn't do the assignments, missed a good 6 solid weeks of class, and studied for a full and glorious half hour the night of the test. I got a 95% on that final, and then had to explain that yes, I knew the material and hadn't cheated, and yes, I knew I hadn't met the syllabus requirements for passing, and yes, I was willing to accept the consequences of that. The teacher gave me a final grade of a B.

    So I looked back. I've been passed forward through the school system for years now, coasting by on my testing scores, because while I like learning I wasn't getting anything from the classes. I did my studying when and where I chose, and quite frankly the teachers, the classroom, and the homework were all useless to that. The (very) rare teacher would take me on side projects that were worthwhile, but that was always outside the curriculum. I've been passed on up the system my whole life because I'm "too smart to fail," and because I didn't have the guts to stand up and call the system on it's worthlessness and admit that I was bored and didn't care about the work. Well screw that.

    What does make me happy? Learning things. I mean, ACTUALLY LEARNING. Writing, reading, problem solving. Talking to people. Building things, actually taking materials and tools and crafting stuff with my own two hands. So I thought about it for a while, and decided to leave school. I'm looking for a job where I can exercise one or more of these talent sets, and I'm doing some writing in the meantime. This is where the problem starts. To keep my parents from worrying, I started job hunting so when the time came I could let them know that even though I had departed, I had plans lined up. I was trying to set it up so they wouldn't have to worry and wouldn't think I was having a breakdown. Given the state of the economy, that hasn't worked out so hot, and I had to inform them before the deadline for withdrawal. They... panicked. And since I have self esteem issues (quickest way to actually give me a breakdown is to make me feel I've let someone down) and they have been having whispered conversations just out of earshot, I'm slowly turning into a nervous wreck BECAUSE they're worried about me turning into a nervous wreck.

    Meanwhile I'm having more trouble relating to people. Or rather, I'm having the same troubles, but I'm getting more tired of pretending I understand other people. A full rant would be time consuming and counterproductive, but people have bizarre and occasionally disturbing attitudes from my point of view, expect me to actively embrace these things (or call me a bigot when I say "I don't understand that at all, but I accept the right to it as it hurts nobody else and will listen to any explanation you care to give"), and have a tendency to shove their emotional baggage down my throat. Relationship status is terrible and confusing and requires a flowchart to explain in full (for simplistic version minus recent events, I have a post a few weeks back in Relationship Woes and Advice), and my best friend's cell phone is down (computer was) so I haven't talked to him in weeks. Being back at my parent's home until I get enough coin to rent my own room, I have nobody local to talk too until I get some contacts. And when I have trouble relating, I go deeper into refuge in my delusions, which in turn makes it harder to relate to people. My antipsychotic never makes it so the delusions go away. I always carry those memories, it's just that the antipsychotic makes it easier to push them to the back of my mind.

    And you know something? I'm not sure I want to push it all to the back of my mind anymore. It never impaired my ability to function, though I strongly suspect that mentioning it got me wrongfully fired once (can't prove it, though) and some folks see it as an excuse to play All Of The Other Reindeer at my expense. There's a lot of character shaping stuff in my 8000+ years of probably fake memories. Stuff both subtle and sublime. Yes, there were terrible things, immense pains, and things I feel horribly guilty about. But there was also love, and happiness, and centuries upon centuries of life. Life that I can be proud of. And some things have even made me question if it was false. I did a record search the other week, and found that not only did one of my recent remembered personas exist, but so did her husband, and children, and I located a great-grandchild living about a hundred miles from me. I went and saw them, didn't say anything, and am not going back (how creepy would that be? It gives me about a 9.5 on my creepometer) but it gave me a warm fuzzy feeling. And I will never, never give up my memories of Ahma. I would sooner die then part with a single remembered second with them.

    So, the short of it to recap is that I'm upset about my job hunt, worried the concerns of my family are turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy, upset that people are hard to understand and get ahold of, and feeling ambivalent about my psychosis, given that it never significantly impaired my functioning except when bastards worried it might and dumped heaping piles of crap on me. And in trying to be a happier person, things seem to be conspiring to throw me back down the road to depression. Which HAS significantly impaired my functioning before.
    Spoiler
    Show
    My motto: Repensum Est Canicula.

    Quote Originally Posted by turkishproverb View Post
    I am not getting into a shootout with Golentan. Too many gun-arms.
    Leiningen will win, even if he must lose in the attempt.

    Credit to Astrella for the new party avatar.

  15. - Top - End - #15
    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Yarram's Avatar

    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    ~/uniStuff/fun
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Quote Originally Posted by golentan View Post
    Okay, quick recap. I am schizoaffective. The only medication we've found that decreases the depression increases psychosis, and vice versa. My symptoms are delusions (memories of colossal power, ancient atrocities, and millennia of reincarnation)
    I did a record search the other week, and found that not only did one of my recent remembered personas exist, but so did her husband, and children, and I located a great-grandchild living about a hundred miles from me. I went and saw them, didn't say anything, and am not going back (how creepy would that be? It gives me about a 9.5 on my creepometer) but it gave me a warm fuzzy feeling. And I will never, never give up my memories of Ahma. I would sooner die then part with a single remembered second with them.
    It is so cool that you have memories that last that far back... So cool.
    I would totally:
    1. Visit them
    2. Pretend to be pyschic
    3. Better yet, actually BE psychic
    4. ???
    5. Profit!
    But then I guess not, as If I were you, I'd be you circumstantially too so I would do the exact same thing as you. EDIT: And get this, if I were you, you'd be me, and you'd be saying the exact same thing to me right now. Isn't that a paradox...

    I can also support you on the learning thing. It is definitely more satisfying to learn new things and to build a vast database of knowledge than to perform any sort of job.

    EDIT:EDIT: It'd be awesome if you wrote an auto-biography about some of your past lives.
    Last edited by Yarram; 2009-06-08 at 09:45 AM.
    This text is yellow.
    Spoiler
    Show

    TUBATAR!

    Why? Because tuba is the awesomeness.

  16. - Top - End - #16
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    loopy's Avatar

    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Sydney, NSW, Aus
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Quote Originally Posted by Yarram View Post
    EDIT:EDIT: It'd be awesome if you wrote an auto-biography about some of your past lives.
    You could release it as the next OT stage of Dianetics.

    Okay, so I've got some fairly major issues to vent about, and I'd like some nice GitP person to rage/cry/complain to. Anyone want to PM me and volunteer? Thanks in advance.

    EDIT: Got my volunteers, don't want to hog everyones attention.
    Last edited by loopy; 2009-06-08 at 01:32 PM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Coidzor View Post
    Everyone loves loopy. It's true.
    My blog, if you are interested in my rambling.
    Avatar by Sneak. Praise be!

  17. - Top - End - #17
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Bor the Barbarian Monk's Avatar

    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Self-imposed exile
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    golentan:
    Spoiler
    Show
    Facinating. Absolutely fascinating. There are so many facets to your issues that I honestly don't know where to begin. What's more, you're not asking for help. You're simply saying, "Here are my issues, these are the things that bother me, I know the solutions, and if the world would play nice with me, I'll play nice with the world."

    Mathematically, one could see it as: A + B + C + D + E + F + G = 1,000,000. A = 1. Solve for E. It's maddening because, as viewed by someone who is not you, all I know is that A = 1. After that, there are thousands of possibilities as to what all the other numbers could be. The sum represents you as a person, and lonely ol' A is the fact that you were born.

    And to be so congnitive of your problems. Many times, people come here with a problem that seems like the old joke:
    A man walks into the doctor's office, starts flailing his left arm around, and says, "Doc, it hurts when I do this."

    The doctor replies, "Then don't do that."
    I am as much a victim of the process myself, and occasionally have had to have people tell me that which should have been obvious.

    Personally, I think writing is a FANTASTIC hobby for you, as your mind will likely go places no one else thought to go. Harry Turtledove became famous for writing alternate histories; I'm reading Guns of the South for the second time, with the premise: what if the Confederate Army had been armed with AK-47s. The alternate histories roaming your mind might well make for fascinating reading.

    Also, if you're of a mind to write screenplays, I recommend two books. The first is Adventures in the Screentrade, by Academy Award winning writer William Goldman. The other is How NOT to Write a Screenplay, by Denny Martin Flinn. I'm afraid finding these will mean a trek to the library, but both are great reads. In fact, I own a copy of the second, and consider it my "Screenplay Writing Bible."

    While writing could be a minimal use of your hands, it's your desire to create that is addressed. If it's something you want to pursue, I can even take the time to teach you "the Magic of the Five Drafts" that I use when writing.

    Anyway, I personally think you have matters well in hand. Venting without wanting a response is perfectly fine. The only reason I'm saying anything is to say, "I think I understand what you're saying," and to offer a few extra ideas.

    I ask only ONE thing. I wasn't here for whatever it was that happened when the difference between schizophrenia and schizoaffective was skewed. Those who don't truly understand mental illness are quick to judge and make monstrous mistakes without giving it a second thought. (I got a "snap out of it" speech from my brother, yesterday.) Criticism, be it from strangers or those closest to us, can cause psychological fuses to explode. Try to be a bit more benevolent in their misunderstandings. Take the time to explain as kindly as you can, instead of letting every explosion control you. I know from my own experiences that it's difficult, and those blown fuses sometimes get the better of me.

    Let us, together, test our ability to command our emotions.

    "Niagra Falls."

    "Goodnight, Rosebud."

    Thanks to Lord Herman for the avatar!

    Those who wish access to my blog should reach out to me on FB.

  18. - Top - End - #18
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Dallas-Dakota's Avatar

    Join Date
    May 2007

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...



    I see my 'home' has changed. It is not home anymore.
    Apparently the You Picture thread and the Depression thread, one of the last remaining 'bastions' have turned into copies of random banter.
    I need, it. But its gone now. Also most of the people I once was close with and regularly talked with are gone now.
    My fears are growing and with that, depression.
    I'm going to post this.....I'm doubting....

    Also, my pride, which is practically me thinking I'm good at speaking the english language, got harshly bashed at the college I wanted to get into most. Followed by a rejection letter a couple of weeks later.

    And the other college.....Well one(art & design) course seems mainly playing a silly race game and the other(IT) seems mainly playing WoW......


    I have a job interview tomorrow and a interview for the Art & Design the day after that.

    My mind is currently very, very, very messed up.


    Yes....I've done a lot of sighing IRL while typing this post.
    Also my mind is going down.....I find that I grow tired faster and that my brains aren't taking social interaction well.



    I have no idea if this was all, oh hmm, yes, I'm getting absolutely no reviews on my blog, have no way of checking if its even gettings hits. And my other writings have half-halted and those which I do continue writing are just getting one or two comments. (Love those two people very much, even if one of them only says 'good job'). Please don't ask for the other writings. Sorry, confusing.

    Well my mind isn't working. I'm currently litteraly auto-typing now.....
    Spoiler
    Show
    Quote Originally Posted by RabbitHoleLost View Post
    DD: .... DEM HIPS.
    Quote Originally Posted by faerwain View Post
    Why do I have the feeling that you actually really grind Smurfs to make your ice cream?
    Quote Originally Posted by banjo1985 View Post
    My wedding underwear has a picture of Dallas Dakota's face on them.
    Ceikatar!

  19. - Top - End - #19
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Bor the Barbarian Monk's Avatar

    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Self-imposed exile
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    DD:
    Spoiler
    Show
    Look, little buddy...The whole blog thing is not really for the world to drop in and comment, although it's nice when people care enough to say something. It's a tool for people like you and me. While I have all of 10 followers, there are more that haven't actively clocked the "follow" button, and some who have do exactly that, yet don't actually sit to read what I post.

    Try not to view it as a measure of how popular you are. If people care about you, they'll let you know in many other ways, other than visiting your blog.

    Look up this page. Valiant Turtle posted a potential drive for diabetic socks for me. Ultimately, I'm touched at the idea people want to do this for me. At the same time, it's not what I need now. And because of a lack of vocal tones, I fear he may feel that I simply shot down the idea. Not true at all. What I need is something other than socks, and so I tried to clarify.

    What means the most to me - that which is most valuable - is the IDEA of helping. Those who reply to me and my blog...well, some of them are minors. It pains me to reply, "Thank you, but unless you have parental approval, you're not allowed to help." Still, the fact that they WANT to help is what we call in Yiddish a mitzvah. (See definition 2.) It shows what's in their hearts, and that means a lot to me.

    So stop seeking concrete evidence of approval. From various posts around these boards, love for you is all over the place, even if it's not on your blog.

    As for your other issues...Well, I left a comment on your blog. You really do need to get a handle on this little thing called "Life." You will have to take the blessings you receive and treasure them for the rare things that they are, because, unfortunately, there will be more negative aspects than positive. Cherrish the positive and try your best to let the negative slip past you. Sometimes it's all we can do when we meet with perpetual rejection.

    Oh...Yes, I agree that the You Thread has become more akin to random banter. And it WAS happening here, which is why "Rule" number five became what it is. All I can do is ASK that people keep it to a minimum. Beyond that, I have no power whatsoever, nor would I want it. It's yet another matter of suffering through what's happening, and praying that the good will shine through in the end.

    And that's all I have for you at this moment, Little Buddy. This is "the Skipper," signing off.
    "Goodnight, Rosebud."

    Thanks to Lord Herman for the avatar!

    Those who wish access to my blog should reach out to me on FB.

  20. - Top - End - #20
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    WolfInSheepsClothing

    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Norway
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    DD, I think you should apply to more colleges if you can. One of my friends applied to one, sent his stuff, and got a letter suggesting he should rethink his career choice.
    He then was contacted by another college and sent his stuff, and got inn. As far as I have understood it, it's the same courses, and the same general area.
    Last edited by Narmoth; 2009-06-08 at 04:22 PM.
    check out my metal band: http://www.facebook.com/Dreamslain

    Wash: "Sweetie, we're crooks. If everything were right, we'd be in jail."

  21. - Top - End - #21
    Troll in the Playground
     
    The Extinguisher's Avatar

    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    3 inches from yesterday
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    I feel like my life is catching up with me too fast. School, love, friends, work, and becoming an adult are all attacking me and are always at odds with each other. And I want it to stop and the only things I can think of aren't the most appealing of solutions.
    Thanks Uncle Festy for the wonderful Ashling Avatar
    I make music

  22. - Top - End - #22
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    V'icternus's Avatar

    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Australia
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Just venting, you know the drill...

    Spoiler
    Show
    Asside from all the stuff I said on the last thread, I'm now really worried about school and stuff... I'm not sure how well I did, especially with History. I hate the way my Mum puts so much focus on my schoolwork and makes it seem like the most improtant thing in the world, when my philosophy involves the words "things don't matter".

    Anyway, that's it for now... (Asside from the other normal stuff)


    Sorry I couldn't offer any advice this tiem 'round, but I have none.
    Spoiler
    Show
    These awesome Avatars thanks to the amazing Ceika!
    Spoiler
    Show




    Current Avatar by Shoreward,
    author of Cursed, of Course, a fantasy webcomic, right here on the forum.

  23. - Top - End - #23
    Titan in the Playground
     
    Lizardfolk

    Join Date
    Jan 2008

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Well, V'ictenus;

    Spoiler
    Show
    Quote Originally Posted by V'icternus View Post
    I hate the way my Mum puts so much focus on my schoolwork and makes it seem like the most improtant thing in the world, when my philosophy involves the words "things don't matter".
    And that's why Philosophy Majors aren't useful (apologies to anyone who has one!). 'Nothing matters' never ends well. Never. How old are you? Do you have a job? How do you earn money? Chances are, right now, school is the most important thing in the world.

    1) It gets you out of the house
    2) It lets you socialise, whether you want to or not. I believe it's important to be around people. So, even now, when I hate everyone in the world; I still go to the park and feed the ducks and say "Hello" to people who pass me by. And actually have a chat to some of the nicer folk.
    (Even though it's illegal to feed the ducks, I still do it anyway. And that $75 fine I get every now and then, is definitely worth me not killing myself)
    3) It gives you an education. Whether you need it or not, is rarely up to you. Because >95% of the time, you do need it.

    Then again; It all depends on what grade you're in. And how much your parents are willing to support you after you finish (or don't finish ) High School?

    If you're in say, Grade 8. Then no. School matters very little. Aside from what your teachers will think of you in the coming years when you want to take their classes.
    If the answer is "I'm in senior year, and my parents are kicking me out once I turn 18." then, yes; School matters very, very much. I wish I could make more people of the current school-going generation believe that.

    Maybe it's a pride-thing, but, if I had less education and was currently earning minimum wage, I think I'd be doing 'less well' (probably already dead, truth be told) than I am now. And I am very grateful towards Mum and Dad when they both kicked my behind and told me to pull my finger out.
    I got my education, got my fairly decent job working in the Health System, which, in turn gives me a truckload of 'wiggle-room' when it comes to getting my degree - and, eventually a job that I really want. And my job helps to pay for those fines I get for feeding the ducks.

    If you don't try, then things will never get better. And, if you don't try in school, your life is only going to get worse... Unless you have the most amazing idea ever involving a truckload of creativity and the money to back it up. I will admit that school is for everybody. But, there are a lot of people right now who left school that probably shouldn't have.

    And money comes from having a job. And jobs come from education. And the more education you have, the better job you can get, directly equals to how much money you can have to do what you really want to do. There's a very good reason why your Mum puts focus on your schoolwork. But, I wont discuss this anymore than that.

    Life does get better after High School for most people, because the majority of them try. That big, stupid jock who beat everyone up in High School, gets a dead-end job. Primarily because he's stupid and didn't learn anything in School.
    Last edited by Cheesegear; 2009-06-09 at 09:57 PM.
    Spoiler: My Mum Says I'm Cool
    Show
    Quote Originally Posted by Anuan View Post
    Cheesegear; Lovable Thesaurus ItP.
    Quote Originally Posted by Lycan 01 View Post
    Cheesegear, have I told you yet that you're awesome?
    Quote Originally Posted by MeatShield#236 View Post
    ALL HAIL LORD CHEESEGEAR! Cheese for the cheesegear!
    Quote Originally Posted by Shas'aia Toriia View Post
    Cheesegear is awesome

  24. - Top - End - #24
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    V'icternus's Avatar

    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Australia
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Spoiler
    Show
    Well, I'm with distance education, so there's no "out of the house" or "social" aspect of school. But yeah, education's the only reason I do it.

    I just hate that I don't even get "good morning" anymore, it's all about schoolwork.

    I don't have a job, yet, but next year I plan to find one.

    Oh, and I'm seventeen...
    Spoiler
    Show
    These awesome Avatars thanks to the amazing Ceika!
    Spoiler
    Show




    Current Avatar by Shoreward,
    author of Cursed, of Course, a fantasy webcomic, right here on the forum.

  25. - Top - End - #25
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Syka's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    This is me getting some stuff out that I can't talk to most others about because I feel it's inappropriate to share certain things about my friends. Also I'm hoping this'll maybe help people open up to friends about what's going on in their life. Most of the time we want to help you in anyway we can. :)

    Spoiler
    Show
    A friend of mine was diagnosed with schizophrenia in March. Which kind? All. Yes, all. At various times he is symptomatic of all schizophrenic subtypes. This poor kid has been through hell and back, for the last year he was told he was close to dying, he had Chron's, and was in and out of hospitals and surgeries. It wasn't until December (9 months after illness onset) they finally figured out he had appendicitis that abscessed into his colon and he was septic.

    Either way, that combined with other stuff from earlier in his life contributed to him finally having a break down and the schizophrenia manifesting.

    I cannot tell you how proud I am of him. He was the one who checked himself into the psych ward, knowing something wasn't right, despite his mom not wanting him too. He wants to be on the meds despite their nasty side effects. He is not ashamed.

    What makes me feel bad is my boyfriend and a mutual friend of all of ours still don't know really how to handle this. The meds D is on make him kind of needy so he was calling Oz and Z multiple times a day and they took to ignoring most of his calls, and Oz has mentioned that he feels like he's walking on egg shells.

    I spent a couple hours talking with D last week and it was great. It was one of the first times we've had one-on-one time and I didn't get any impression that one needed to walk on egg shells. But he knew the guys were uncomfortable and not sure how to handle it. He told me stuff he hasn't told the guys, probably because I understood. I've been in similar (although no where near as severe, and not mental) situations and I have studied schizophrenia and other mental illnesses. When Oz told me about the whole thing I'd said "Oh, ok. Is he doing OK?" But most people worry he's going to go homicidal...which, while a possibility due to some of what his voice says, is unlikely to the extreme while he is on medication that allows him to ignore said voice.

    Oz is slowly realizing D is still D, but this whole experience has been...enlightening. Schizophrenia is no longer something I have studied. It affects someone who is close to me and mine and to see it from this perspective is odd.

    But most of all, we're slowly getting our friend back. They are still working on dosages and medications, so the last couples months and next few will be rocky but, he's still here. I know I'm going to worry about him more now, particularly at the concert next month (he is dealing with crowd/overload issues), but I'm glad he has a good support structure here.
    Show me how pretty the world is
    'Cause I envy the way that you move
    Show me how pretty the world is
    'Cause I want something a little bit louder
    Show me how pretty the world is
    'Cause you're brilliant when you try
    Show me how pretty the whole world is tonight
    -Matt Nathanson "Pretty the World"

    Various Syka-Foxes done by the wonderful Ceika

  26. - Top - End - #26
    Colossus in the Playground
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Dinosaur Museum aw yisss.
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Quote Originally Posted by DD the Cookiemonster View Post


    I see my 'home' has changed. It is not home anymore.
    Apparently the You Picture thread and the Depression thread, one of the last remaining 'bastions' have turned into copies of random banter.
    I need, it. But its gone now. Also most of the people I once was close with and regularly talked with are gone now.
    My fears are growing and with that, depression.
    I'm going to post this.....I'm doubting....

    Also, my pride, which is practically me thinking I'm good at speaking the english language, got harshly bashed at the college I wanted to get into most. Followed by a rejection letter a couple of weeks later.

    And the other college.....Well one(art & design) course seems mainly playing a silly race game and the other(IT) seems mainly playing WoW......


    I have a job interview tomorrow and a interview for the Art & Design the day after that.

    My mind is currently very, very, very messed up.


    Yes....I've done a lot of sighing IRL while typing this post.
    Also my mind is going down.....I find that I grow tired faster and that my brains aren't taking social interaction well.



    I have no idea if this was all, oh hmm, yes, I'm getting absolutely no reviews on my blog, have no way of checking if its even gettings hits. And my other writings have half-halted and those which I do continue writing are just getting one or two comments. (Love those two people very much, even if one of them only says 'good job'). Please don't ask for the other writings. Sorry, confusing.

    Well my mind isn't working. I'm currently litteraly auto-typing now.....
    Lets see now...
    Whoa, you're old enough to be applying for university?! Aren't you, like, 11? I kid, I kid. It's just I didn't even start looking at unis 'til my last year of high school, when I was 16/17, and almost everyone else in my year was 17/18.
    The You thread goes through cycles. It'll get back in order eventually. I'm afraid I don't see it for this one...
    As for your grasp of English: Just looking at this post you have near-perfect construction, grammar, spelling, punctuation and... uh... word choice... (why is it always that word I forget? ) (elipses only have 3 dots, more is redundant and kinda ugly-looking). Of course, writing ability != speaking ability. Maybe you should try reading your and others' posts out loud, to practice, if your oral English skills aren't up to scratch?
    With the colleges, I'm afraid I can't really sympathise with the rejection bit because in Australia, at least, each course at every university has its own minimum ENTER score. If you don't reach that in your HSC, then you will not be accepted unless you ask for special permission, and I got the score for my 2nd or 3rd choice. So, alas, can't offer any help there I'm not sure exactly what you're talking about with the other two colleges. I would suggest that, if your problem is that most of the people doing it mess around or something, that doesn't mean everyone is, that you have to, or that the lecturers aren't serious about what they do - they could be screaming out for someone just like you. Basically, I'd give them a chance. You can change unis later if you need to, can't you?
    Would it make you feel any better if I said the only blog I've ever read was Bor's, and that only a few times, but that doesn't mean I don't like anyone except Bor? I also don't tend to read people's stuff much. I constantly pick at them, and not only do I not enjoy the item as much as I'd like to (especially reading on the computer), but I just end up annoying and/or demoralising the writer. I think it takes a special sort of a person to be into reading other people's ameture(sp?) work - and you've got two! That's pretty good, really!
    Cookers, I've said before, I think, that you started of kinda shaky but settled right in to become a welcome institution here. I really meant it.
    Now to wait for a certain other too-young-looking overexcitable lad to catch up to you...

  27. - Top - End - #27
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Neko Toast's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Madison, WI
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    I tend to pop in here from time to time to vent. This is another one of those times.

    Spoiler
    Show
    My life has become more stressful now that I'm home. Most of it seems to revolve around my father. For a very long time now (we're talking years), the most conversation I've ever gotten out of him is him lecturing me on this and that. "Keep your grades up" was the big one during high school. "College is important" popped up every now and then. Dunno why, because I actually looked forward to college, partly as an escape.

    These days, it's "Get a job" and "Why aren't you going to church at school". The job one is worse. He hates that I'm being choosy. I admit, you really can't be too choosy in today's job market, but I want to have a job that I will enjoy to some extent. Working full time is unnecessary at the moment (he acts like I'm paying off my loans now, when this won't happen until I'm done with school. Saving is a good idea, and I plan to. But even if I work a full-time job, saving money after using it for other expenses won't amount to enough to pay off a couple years of school), and tends to drain me mentally. 20 hours a week seems fine to me, but to him I should be working close to 40. Work work work. It's all he really seems to care about.

    The biggest reason why I don't want to work full time at this moment is because I don't want to end up like him in the future. He's always so concerned about work, and when I look at him, he never seems happy. I... don't want to be like that when I'm an adult. I want to enjoy life, not just worry about it all the time.

    Another problem I have with him is that he never really seems concerned about me personally. Based on what he's said to me most of my life, he seems to care more about my success than me. Just take this past week for example. I've been ill since Saturday (if you haven't seen the tread asking for medical advice on the forums). Based on his actions, attitude, and what he's said, his response was "Suck it up". On Monday night, I woke up at 2 AM with abdominal pain and stomach upset so bad that I couldn't even sleep. That morning, due to the symptoms and the lack of sleep, I could barely get around the house. I called in to my work and left a message saying I was sick, and set up an appointment with my doctor. My dad was suspecting that I would do this, so he called that morning around the time that I would be at work. At that time, no one would be home, so I would give it away by answering it. I did the adult thing and picked up the phone. The very first words that came out of his mouth were "Why aren't you at work".

    They say that parents nag and push you for success out of love, but I'm starting to have my doubts. In my opinion, he's driving me to be successful because I might possibly be the only one who will be. My brother has been struggling with grades, is rude to a lot of people (including my parents), and is generally a spoiled brat. One time, my mom and I were talking (don't remember what) and she finished one sentence with "if your brother goes to college." I inquired her about it, and she said that she had doubts whether or not my brother would be accepted anywhere. It's like they now consider him a lost cause, and now every ounce of responsibility is on me. I know it comes with being the eldest, but this seems overboard.

    I dunno... I've been wanting to seek therapy for a while now, but my dad would probably get angry about that somehow too, saying that "I don't need it" or something. Even if he did let me go, he would want the "give it a name and a medication" treatment. I'll have to do it in secret if I want it at all.

    *sigh* Though I had problems with college, it wasn't as bad as this. I miss it.


    I thank anyone who took the time to read that. It's always nice when someone sits down and actually listens to someone else.

    -Slayer Draco Doll by Recaiden

  28. - Top - End - #28
    Orc in the Playground
     
    KataraAltinaII's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    U.S.A.
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Quote Originally Posted by V'icternus View Post
    Just venting, you know the drill...

    Spoiler
    Show
    Asside from all the stuff I said on the last thread, I'm now really worried about school and stuff... I'm not sure how well I did, especially with History. I hate the way my Mum puts so much focus on my schoolwork and makes it seem like the most improtant thing in the world, when my philosophy involves the words "things don't matter".

    Anyway, that's it for now... (Asside from the other normal stuff)


    Sorry I couldn't offer any advice this tiem 'round, but I have none.
    This one gets answered more towards the end of the post, as there's a similar rant that this one seems related to.

    All in all though, Philosophy isn't going to help very much in the real world except for how you decide to live life. Things DO matter, particularly if said "things" are education, and especially if we're talking about whether or not they matter in the real world.

    education matters because most high-paying jobs aren't going to hire random dumb-shmucks with a half-assed high school education. Sure you don't have to be a multimillionaire to live through life, but having a decent career is always a good idea, and with education, many more doors are open, and you're less likely to become a garbage man or to be flipping burgers all your life. [although, at 16/17/18, flipping burgers is not a bad job at all.]

    I guess that would ultimately depend on what sort of "standards" you have set for your life. id you're content with living in an apartment living paycheck to paycheck, then that's perfectly fine, and most of my argument here can be nullified. However, if you expect to live a higher-class lifestyle with a nice car and a few extra luxuries, you're gonna have to work for it. [or become INCREDIBLY lucky at the lotto or finding a gold mine or something]

    just a little piece of advice for ya... you know... about how the real world is...?
    Quote Originally Posted by V'icternus View Post
    Well, I'm with distance education, so there's no "out of the house" or "social" aspect of school. But yeah, education's the only reason I do it.

    I just hate that I don't even get "good morning" anymore, it's all about schoolwork.

    I don't have a job, yet, but next year I plan to find one.

    Oh, and I'm seventeen...
    ah... the world where parents stop saying "Good morning"

    it happened to me a while ago.
    I learned that generally, people won't say "good morning" if they're not having a good morning, obviously. I know my parents are those types of people. When they're pissed off for whatever reason, I always try to find out what's wrong. instead of worrying about the me, me, me, I think a little outside of my comfort zone into "why are they mad, and how can I keep them from getting more upset?

    why? because with parents, there's benefits. When they're in good moods, they're less likely to get on your butt about whatever.

    as for getting a job, don't wait. 17, hell, 16, is the prime age to starts job hunting. Besides, just because you APPLY for a job doesn't mean you're going to get one [unless you're RETURNING to a job like I was, in the which case count yourself as lucky]
    Moreover, at least over here in the states, it's usually a couple of weeks before you get started anyways, but that's rambling a little off-topic.

    in essence though, until you get a job, life pretty much IS about schoolwork unless you want to be a bum on the streets. Then, as people get older, life becomes about school and work. When college is over, then life is about work.

    That's about how life rolls. Life isn't about fun and games if you're hoping to get any $$$.

    and I may not know what in 3 days' grace distance education is, but for all I care, it's close enough to homeschooling, where again, I've got experience.

    There's not much in the social aspect of school that you're missing. as long as you have a good education program in use, stick with that. Life may suck, but high school sucks WAY more.

    so... with that in mind, basically, if the people around you give you crap, just find a way out of the house. Heck, I do that all the time just for the sake of getting out. I sometimes don't even have a destination in mind, I just do whatever.

    and sooooo... moving on.
    Quote Originally Posted by Slayer Draco View Post
    I tend to pop in here from time to time to vent. This is another one of those times.
    I thank anyone who took the time to read that. It's always nice when someone sits down and actually listens to someone else.
    I read it, and wowza... that sounds like a more extreme version of how things were at my house.

    I highly doubt the "love" thing as well. My parents expect a lot out of me because my twin brother screwed up a lot of things. Sure it is things that would help me, but all in all, some of it seems more like things that THEY want, not what I want.

    There are a few major factors that would affect the advice I give.
    if you're old enough [you said something something about college I believe] then TELL THEM THAT! one thing that always irked me about parents is that soemtimes they don't know when to stop being parents--to stop ttrying to lead you by the hand. sometimes, you just need to be able to make your own decisions, even if they ARE the wrong ones... if nothing else, then to learn not to screw up again.

    and of course, another factor is if you're living in their house. If you are and don't like it, try to move out ASAP. if you DON'T live with them, then disregard their wants and do what you think you need to in order to get along in life.

    Don't EVER let people decide what they want you to do. God gave you Free Agency, and so use it. [and that was just tossed in. I'm not getting into religion]

    as for my ramblings about how MY life sucks... my life doesn't really suck except for a few spiritual issues that I don't think could be helped on here. A while ago I was thinking about moving out, but then decided against it, as I weighed the options and found that almost everything weighed in my favor.

    So... whilst I don't have a rant to present, I've got answers to other rants due to my seemingly vast experience
    Last edited by KataraAltinaII; 2009-06-10 at 06:16 PM.
    "The Mormons were right."

  29. - Top - End - #29
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Neko Toast's Avatar

    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Madison, WI
    Gender
    Female

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Katara, I appreciate the advice. Moving out seems like a good idea, but not a smart one. I'm tight on funds, and still looking for a job (I technically have one now, but don't plan on having it for much longer. Telemarketing is suckage. Plus, it's a very temporary job). Even if it's only for a couple months, I think it's better off for me to just stick it out at home. Hopefully I'll find a job that's good enough for it to be an escape from home.

    -Slayer Draco Doll by Recaiden

  30. - Top - End - #30
    Ogre in the Playground
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Mars
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Poorly Constructed Non-Sober Rant ahead , directed at my girlfriend who doesn't pay enough attention to me to notice I post on GitP, and therefore isn't a reader or member... Too bad, that's:
    Spoiler
    Show
    The fact my trust has been used and abused so many times, by some many different people, so many different ways, and the fact my girlfriend has been choosing to hang out with the guys in her neighborhood every night for the past 2 months, and seemingly overlooking me, is really starting to tear my heart apart... It seems like the very last rope (her), I'm hanging on to is tearing... ever so slowly. She swears she loves me, she swears she doesn't like to hurt me; why then, can't she learn one less over our 4 year relationship: "I really need you to actually show me that you love me, except for one night ever 8 months or so when I'm thinking of breaking it. You constantly over look me. I give you everything I have, and you give me 2 minute phone calls when the other guys are off doing something, and you don't have anything better to do. Just please, DON'T NEGLECT ME.". She never learns her lesson. She tells me she wants to try other thing and then come back to me... Am I her little trinket that she puts on when she pleases, or needs to, then puts away in a jewelry box for next time?

    I'm not going to stand for lying next to the set of diamond earrings I got her 1 year ago to this day. I'm so tired of you hurting me .


    Sorry if this isn't relevant. I need to write this somewhere where people won't judge me... Thank you playground =/.
    "Maybe I'm Gigachad?"

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •