Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

[Thanatos 51-50]

I liked it. Can I steal it?

Go right ahead, and enjoy the odd looks you get as people have trouble believing you used such a bad metaphor.
>.>

[lord of kobolds]

An update, prolly won't mean anything unless you've been following the DT for a while:

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I'm doing better, I really am, but I just can't to seem to feel good about myself. I've never had self-esteem issues before, and I don't know what's causing it. I know, in my head, that I'm smart, talented, I have a good career, etc. But no matter what, I just can't seem to convince myself that I'm not worthless. A lot of it is that no matter what, the people around me don't seem to really care. I just ge the impression that they are pretending, or only care insofar as they feel obligated. This is causing me to be more and more cynical about the human race. I know that people do care, but the ones who do aren't the ones who have a say in things.

On to more concrete things, the odds of me going back to the good school are increasing, but still uncertain. My dad seems to be in favor of it for the most part, but he says the school is hesitant to let me back. If this is the case, then it is news to me. Before I left, everyone there I spoke to said that they were most likely going to let me back. But apparently that's not what they have been telling my dad. So once again, big decisions are being made about my life, and nobody even tells me. Big surprise. In a week or two, I will be calling them, with my therapist, to discuss if they will take me back. Sigh. I just needeed to get this out there, and my therapist definitely won't listen, so...

[arguskos]

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I... can't find a reason to live. I've searched my soul, my worth, and the darkest recesses of my mind, and I can not find any reason to stay here. I'm holding a knife right now, looking at it, wondering what to do. Do I take the coward's route, and forget my pain? Or do I tough it out, though I can't see a reason to?

99% of me is saying to die, move over and let the world move on without me. They won't miss me. ****, only like 1 person HERE (where I fit in best in the world) would even notice if I died, and that's Bor. Frankly, he's got enough to deal with that I wouldn't blame him for not noticing for a few days. I have such low worth that I'm not even notable on the internet. That's... pretty damn sad.

I just, well, what's the point? Life is a random series of sadistic events, chained together with false promises and fake words, and in the end, we all die alone, unmourned, forgotten in a generation or two. No one escapes Death, he's out there, looking for me right now. What's stopping me from inviting him in, and getting the damn thing over with right now? I can't find that reason any more (not like I ever could, I just deluded myself). My parents don't give a ****, my few friends wouldn't notice, and even I don't like myself enough to think that anyone could possibly care.

**** it. Life's not worth living, and I am out of reasons to think otherwise. Maybe tonight I'll go through with it. Maybe I'll live to see a response to this post. ****, I don't care. See you around, or not, whatever.

[Elfin]

ARGUSKOS:
Please do NOT do it. Please.
I'm not the best one to answer you; I'm not any kind of doctor. I just want to say that your family, friends, and even us here in the Playground DO care.

[Thanatos 51-50]

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I... can't find a reason to live. I've searched my soul, my worth, and the darkest recesses of my mind, and I can not find any reason to stay here. I'm holding a knife right now, looking at it, wondering what to do. Do I take the coward's route, and forget my pain? Or do I tough it out, though I can't see a reason to?

99% of me is saying to die, move over and let the world move on without me. They won't miss me. ****, only like 1 person HERE (where I fit in best in the world) would even notice if I died, and that's Bor. Frankly, he's got enough to deal with that I wouldn't blame him for not noticing for a few days. I have such low worth that I'm not even notable on the internet. That's... pretty damn sad.

I just, well, what's the point? Life is a random series of sadistic events, chained together with false promises and fake words, and in the end, we all die alone, unmourned, forgotten in a generation or two. No one escapes Death, he's out there, looking for me right now. What's stopping me from inviting him in, and getting the damn thing over with right now? I can't find that reason any more (not like I ever could, I just deluded myself). My parents don't give a ****, my few friends wouldn't notice, and even I don't like myself enough to think that anyone could possibly care.

**** it. Life's not worth living, and I am out of reasons to think otherwise. Maybe tonight I'll go through with it. Maybe I'll live to see a response to this post. ****, I don't care. See you around, or not, whatever.

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Larger text and long-winded, pseudo-philosophical replies from me, some guy on the internet you don't even know will make you listen to what I have to say any more, and so, here I plainly imput my response.
Please, for the Love of <Insert Diety of Choice here - I tend to invoke The Goddess>, don't take the coward's route.
Calling not being notable on the internet sad? My friend, there are over six billions of people on the planet. If only one percent of those people use the internet, that's sixty million. We know there's more internet users than that.
I'm not internet-notable. I'm not Navy-notable and that's a much smaller pool of people, even with the extremely small pool of people in my RATE, approximatly 1,300 people, I'm not notable. Just a guy.

At the risk of sounding like a corny kid's movie or a Hallmark card, notability is not what matters.
The horrible, hackeneyed spiel I wrote above about the man to your flank is something I honestly and heartily believe, to the darkest depths of my shirveled black heart, and permeating every strand of my insignificant DNA.
Don't worry about whther or not you are Notable enough to have a wikipedia page. The core of the human social network is the Family, or the Clan, or the Tribe. whatever you want to call it. Not the Internet.

I don't know you. If we passed on the street, I likely wouldn't glance a second time. That's the sad truth of Human Societies nowadays. Every man (and woman - let me just use the English Language convention of the use of the masculine here) has a story, a rich background a life and a purpose. We are cells in the organsiim of Humanity.
If you pass, you will pass mourned. Even if it's just a simple line of electrons in my sig.
The Point of Life is to lock oneself in combat with Death, to cross swords, not to lower it.
Get your guard up, my friend. Get thee to someone who is trained to be able to help you.
My friend, I plead, please do not follow through the Coward's Path.

My PM box is open.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Uh huh. I wouldn't notice. And that's why, at this ungodly hour, I picked up the phone immediately after I finished reading your post, arguskos, and left you a message saying that I would sleep with my phone next to me, and that if you have to, you should call repeatedly until I wake up.

And it would seem I'm not the only one who's worried. I only just stopped in after hours of wasting time with online games, and saw what you wrote, thereby allowing others to beat me to the punch. I'm not the only one who cares. So hang in there, and call me as soon as you can...Okay, buddy?

[Serpentine]

Arguskos: But... then you wouldn't get to see my dragon cemetary adventure

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Well, I was up at 5:58 AM, and my first thought was of Arguskos. I check my Hotmail account. No word. I came here and checked my PMs. No word. I checked this thread. No word. The little light on my phone saying someone called isn't blinking...so I'm worried.

Has anyone seen or heard from him since his distressing post?

[horngeek]

No... I haven't been on this thread at all, so I don't know him... damm. damm, damm, damm.

Bor, do you know where he lives? If so, get somone to physically check it out. And ring him.

NOW.

[Dallas-Dakota]

I'm not close to him, but I haven't either.

Damnit Arguskos, damnit....

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Okay...I tried looking up the number of Argus's g/f (ex-g/f?), but the internet wanted money I don't have, and that was to POSSIBLY get the correct number. They were the ones to send me some clothes back in June when I was robbed, and I'm ultimately glad I saved the box for Nike to play in.

Okay. No luck reaching Argus by phone. I tried to send him a PM, and...either he's not accepting or isn't allowed to receive PMs?!? So no luck there. No luck finding his g/f's phone number. Having run out of options, I looked up the police department in the area.

It took a few phone calls, but I gave them her address, his phone number, as much of a history of events as I could, as well as why the calls I made this morning weren't made last night. (G-d, I feel so guilty for not having acted faster!) The specific officer I spoke to, Corporal...Something-or-Other...(I couldn't catch his name, despite asking him to repeat it), was even able to jump online and see the message Arguskos left.

The aforementioned Corporal is on his way to look into things, and they said they'd be calling me back with an update if they had any news. So let us hope, my friends, that Argus is okay, and that we'll hear from someone soon with good news.

EDIT: Just got a call from the police. The police sent a car and there was no answer at the g/f's place. The officer that called then asked for more information, and I just didn't have it. I mean, many people online are smart enough to hide various bits of information...like their home address, date of birth, where they're originally from. I just happen to have Argus's g/'s address because they sent me a care package in May, and some clothes in June.

At least I had some information for the police to work with. I'm hoping they can pull the same investgative mircales police pull on TV. "We have a cell phone number, so we called the phone company and got his address, date of birth, addresses for the last 50 years, even though he's only 27, his blood type, sexual partners for the last 36 years, again, even though he's only 27, the name of his doctor, his mother's maiden name, and what kind of car he'll be driving in 2015. Oh...and the phone company said he died of a compound skull fracture to the back of the head, delivered by something the size, shape, and weight of a sewing needle...and from that, we were able to find him and get the motive as to why he killed his neighbor's hamster."

I'm trying to make light of this, but I'm worried sick. I'm sure that each time the phone rings today, I'm going to be jumping out of my skin, praying it's Argus and that he'll say he's okay.

[Tiger Duck]

It's stuff like this that makes me an optimist. People really do care about others

and while I haven't had contact with Argus I too hope that everything will be okay.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

*sigh* Okay...I would edit again, I kind of want to keep folks up to date.

The police are having no luck tracking down Arguskos. While it would be nice if they could simply call the phone company and get his address, they apparently CAN'T without a court order. (Why are things so unnecessarily complicated when someone's life may be in danger?)

The officer who called and updated me took all of MY information, though, stopping just short of taking my Social Security number. In fact, I paused in this writing to call the police again to make sure they knew that I am NOT the guy with the criminal record. In the strangest case of coincidence in my life, there is a guy here in Phoenix with my exact first name, last name, AND date of birth, down to the year!!! I found this out when my apartment complex did a criminal background check, and was rather stunned to learn the "me" and my co-defendent were due in court the next week to answer charges of drug possession with an intent to sell. Just one little problem with my rumored criminal record..."My" July arrest occurred in Phoenix while I was still living in NY, making it impossible for my actual self being arrested. Just to play it safe, I had an assistant district attorney scribble a letter saying that the criminal and I were two different people.

The lady-officer assured me that they have been looking into Arguskos's safety since I called, and that my personal information was simply for the reports they'd need to fill out. She also said they will keep me up to date if they learn anything, so until they call, or I get through to him, I'm going to leave this alone. I'm going to do my best to calm down and distract myself.

Still...I feel the need to point out that this is how much I care. For the last couple of hours, I have been on and off the phone with the police in an effort to ensure the well-being of a friend. This thread is a marvel when it comes to humans caring about other humans. If I had as much information about others, and they were in crisis, I would likely be doing the same for them, and certainly hope they would do the same for me. Then again, I have proof that people DO care about me, in both action and words. I tout GitP as being one of the most wonderful places in the virtual world, and would move to GitP if it were a physical place. Because the residents are wonderful, and I love so many of them.

Okay. I think this post has been thoroughly "mushified." Be well, my friends...be as well as you possibly can. And if you're seeing this Arguskos, pick up your phone and call me...NOW!

[ArlEammon]

Okay. I think this post has been thoroughly "mushified." Be well, my friends...be as well as you possibly can. And if you're seeing this Arguskos, pick up your phone and call me...NOW!

Uh, oh, which page is Arguskos talked about?

Edit-Poor Arguskos! :(

[Dallas-Dakota]

Second post on this page.

[HellfireLover]

This has got to me, even though I've never really had contact with Arguskos. I just wish there could be something I could do, rather than just sit and chew my nails down to the quick. I hope it all turns out okay. I'd happily sacrifice whatever good karma I have left for a happy outcome.

[loopy]

I'm both incredibly worried about Arguskos... and incredibly disturbed about how many of his statements mirror my thoughts over the past few weeks.

Hope you come back Arguskos. Hope you help us help you. As someone who is also feeling like you do... I hope you come and talk to me, maybe we can puzzle this out together. Doesn't matter that we've barely talked before, that'll probably make it easier. No judgement, no pressure.

The thing I find out, the more I read this thread, is how amazing people can be. Random people, who have *no reason* to care about each other at all... and they still do.

Bor, you are a hero. If you don't have a cape, go find a white bedsheet, tie it around your neck, and go stand in the breeze heroically for a bit.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Okay...Crisis averted! Arguskos is okay! I spoke with his g/f at some length; she reported speaking to him this morning and that he sounded fine. I then called the police to update them on what I know, to which I was thanked.

Now...Arguskos, and ANYONE ELSE THAT HAPPENS TO HAVE MY PHONE NUMBER...If you find yourself in a state of crisis that is SO bad that you feel you're on the cusp of doing yourself harm, you should call me. Day or night, whether you think I'm asleep or not, you pick up the phone and call.

And if you DON'T have my phone number, and believe you're about to bring serious harm to yourself, call for help. Call a suicide hotline. Call for an ambulance. Call SOMEONE that can actually DO something!

Remember that none of us here claim to be professionals. Only one of our members is a licensed therapist, and even he can't do much when someone in crisis may be half a world away. There's nothing wrong with posting your worst thoughts on this thread, as long as you realize that we can't always work miracles, and that you conform to the forum rules. (The latter is a bit hard to do when you're in an emotional crisis, but trying to keep them in mind can sometimes enforce order to the chaos of one's thoughts.) The smartest thing you can do when you feel your worst, and you seriously believe you are a danger to yourself or others, is to GET PROFESSIONAL HELP!!! I just can't say that enough. I put it on the very first post, as rule number four, even though it should be number one. We are here for you as much as online friends can be, but when it comes to getting the help you need in an emergency, there's not much we can do.

Today was a rare occasion. I happen to have just enough to information so that I could take action. Even then, I've been sitting here, out of my mind with worry because I couldn't just hop a local bus and travel a few miles to check on a friend in need. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN GET THE BALL ROLLING ON RECEIVING GENUINE HELP!!! From the reactions over this, it's obvious that people really do care. We would do more if we could. But no matter how bad things are, and no matter how much you want to surrender, it rests on your weakening shoulders to take action.

So...With the current crisis averted, I think I'm going to go and do something infinitely less meaingful. The Circle of Thorns are bound to be up to something that's unhealthy for Paragon City, and I happen to know just the Noun to stop them!

[afroakuma]

*sigh of exasperated relief*

Panic mode over.

Thanks for keeping us informed, Bor.

[loopy]

Hoorah! Hooray for everyone!

Happy endings happen!

[B-Man]

Right off the bat, "a hostile tone without sounding hostile at all" to difficult to impossible to pull off. If he really is dumb, you might be able to pull off something witty that goes over his head, but I don't recommend it. The catharsis of anger expressed only lasts a few days at most, while the damage caused can be irreversible.

He's not so much as "dumb" as he is a person that I have no respect for and I couldn't think of a forum-safe word to call him. Sounds kind of childish but it almost feels that I do have to resort to name-calling whenever I do have to deal with him.

I would advise you to stay your hand, for now, and have some patience about getting the answers you seek. Remember that any responses you get from him will most likely come from his own perspective, which is likely to be highly distinct from your own, and will likely be pitched to justify his own actions, regardless of their merit.

A quick guess at your father's perspective suggests that his attack on your mom and aunt was a basic defensive reaction to your attack on him. Very normal, if kind of pathetic (and highly illustrative of why I disagree strenuously with Amaranthine's post, above); frankly, such an answer would have been my first expectation. Any time you criticize someone, there's a high chance they will respond with some form of criticism in kind (thus, trolling).

I was hoping for a little bit of retaliation, but I just don't understand why he has to use me to attack my aunt and my Mom. That's the part I'm not understanding.

I don't know how much this will help you, but what I do in business emails when I'm angry with someone for mucking me about (but have to remain courteous and professional) is write one without censoring, first. Then I go through it and remove all the snappy remarks. Then I go through it again and remove all the slightly more subtle snappy remarks that I replaced the first lot with. Then again. And again. Etc.

Whenever I am responding to him I usually do wind up going through several drafts of what I could potentially say to him.

I'm still trying to draft the e-mail right now. It's shifted priority so I'm not focusing too much on it right now. I'm trying to deal with being virtually homeless and trying to find a job and home by 4 August. My mind is very taxed at the moment.

I did find a place but the guy rejected me via e-mail hours after I saw the place.

[Pyrian]

I was hoping for a little bit of retaliation, but I just don't understand why he has to use me to attack my aunt and my Mom. That's the part I'm not understanding.

I doubt he thought it through in any detail; once a person feels under attack, defensive behavior is practically autonomic. That being said, you're probably (1) the only such outlet handy, (2) precisely the person he'd prefer to erode their reputation with, and (3) the person he feels he needs to attempt to justify his actions to.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Bit of an addition...Arguskos called me, and we spoke for some time. It started off with me joking, "I'm going to kill you. You don't have to be suicidal anymore, because I'm going to end your life. But try to look at it this way: at least your death will comes from someone who cares."

He's in relatively good spirits considering all the fuss that was made over him this morning. That a friend got to him first was a good thing, because the police would have taken him to a psych ward. Thankfully, everything worked out for the best, and all is as well as can be.

[Thanatos 51-50]

Thank the Goddess everything is okay.
Sleeping last night was not a compfortable thing.

[arguskos]

Heh, so, uh, hi everybody! /Dr. Nick

...
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Oh, uh, you're all still here. So, yeah, about that. Um, I'll just say I'm sorry for the scare. I was in a really bad way last night, and wasn't thinking straight. I didn't really want to scare anyone, as Bor knows (seeing as we talked for over an hour), I just wasn't right in the head. Still aren't, but I'm not dangerous to myself now.

@Thanatos: Yeah, I guess that's a good point, the whole "Death is something you cross swords with" thing. I liked that analogy a lot, and it's meaningful, I think.

@Serp: Heh, well, that's true. I'd also never see that avatar either, or hear about how your campaign went (on that note, how did it go?).

@afroakuma: But... you're Hades... I'd be visiting you! /joking

@loopy: I'll try and be about more than usual, but no promises. I have this feeling I won't get much alone time right now.

@Bor: Well, I don't need to say anything extra here I hope. You are always there, and I am an idiot to think you ever wouldn't be. Thank you, from the deptsh of my being, thank you Bor, for being there. (I need a better emote for that)

@Everyone I barely know, but still is there for me anyways: I can't express what it means to me. I wish I knew you all, so I could give you each a hug and a kiss on the cheek and say thank you.

As for my mental state, I'll be looking into ways to get counseling on the cheap, since I'm fairly certain at this point that I need it pretty damn badly.

[loopy]

@loopy: I'll try and be about more than usual, but no promises. I have this feeling I won't get much alone time right now.

Well, my e-door is always open. Just glad you are okay mate.

[arguskos]

Well, my e-door is always open. Just glad you are okay mate.

Thanks loopy, I appreciate it.

[Elfin]

Glad to see you're ok, Arguskos.

[horngeek]

arguskos, I am glad to hear you're okay. *hugs*

[Anuan]

I'm glad arguskos is okay

More to report:

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Well, yesterday was hell. I set out with basically the same mindset I had in my last spoilered-text. Cranky and forgetful and depressed, etc. I'm bad at the whole 'public transport' thing by myself in any case, but I guess I'm messed up worse than I thought, because I missed trains, got on the wrong ones and, worst of all, left over a thousand dollars worth of laptop and assorted goods in my bag on a train, which then took off without me.

After a little while of panic and tears I ended up having it tracked down and returned to Brisbane Central Station. However, by then, I'd had to move on, so my parents had to go get it this morning. So, all my stuff is back in Queensland, including my schoolwork and laptop. I got on the wrong train from Eagle Junction (coolest name for a trainstation ever, though) and didn't realise til too late, so I had to catch one back there, and wait until a train went to the domestic airport. I got there late, had to pay 70 dollars to transfer to the next flight (an hour later) and went through. Was cheerfully accosted by a happy drunk guy who thought I was a metalhead from my hair, that was...interesting.

Had my flight, and a rather strange set of trains from Sydney to home. The first train from Sydney, I very nearly threw myself in front of. I restrained myself, got on, blahblahblah, missed trains again. Ended up getting home at about 11:30 pm. Had things gone smoothly, I would have gotten home about 8PM, with all my schoolwork and laptop.

There was a large amount of prayer that day. It seems to have worked. I'm still kinda riding a knife-edge in my mind, though.

Sory for the text-wall =/

EDIT: Oh, and I no longer feel I can trust one of my best friends, who is one of the few people that can always calm me down, and does it with just a few words.