Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

[Katrascythe]

@Argus -Superhugs- Don't scare people like that... :( If you feel like that again find someone and talk to them. There are a ton of people who would help you here and you have friends there you can talk to. *shakes finger at you for scaring Bor like that*

[Pyrian]

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Well, yesterday was hell. I set out with basically the same mindset I had in my last spoilered-text. Cranky and forgetful and depressed, etc. I'm bad at the whole 'public transport' thing by myself in any case, but I guess I'm messed up worse than I thought, because I missed trains, got on the wrong ones and, worst of all, left over a thousand dollars worth of laptop and assorted goods in my bag on a train, which then took off without me.

After a little while of panic and tears I ended up having it tracked down and returned to Brisbane Central Station. However, by then, I'd had to move on, so my parents had to go get it this morning. So, all my stuff is back in Queensland, including my schoolwork and laptop. I got on the wrong train from Eagle Junction (coolest name for a trainstation ever, though) and didn't realise til too late, so I had to catch one back there, and wait until a train went to the domestic airport. I got there late, had to pay 70 dollars to transfer to the next flight (an hour later) and went through. Was cheerfully accosted by a happy drunk guy who thought I was a metalhead from my hair, that was...interesting.

Had my flight, and a rather strange set of trains from Sydney to home. The first train from Sydney, I very nearly threw myself in front of. I restrained myself, got on, blahblahblah, missed trains again. Ended up getting home at about 11:30 pm. Had things gone smoothly, I would have gotten home about 8PM, with all my schoolwork and laptop.

There was a large amount of prayer that day. It seems to have worked. I'm still kinda riding a knife-edge in my mind, though.

I believe we call that an adventure! Certainly my baggage has made several more trips than I have...

EDIT: Oh, and I no longer feel I can trust one of my best friends, who is one of the few people that can always calm me down, and does it with just a few words.

You know that whole idea that we trust people we know well? It only actually works if you're willing to occasionally mark someone as "not trusted" for the same reason. Sucks, though.

[Anuan]

I believe we call that an adventure! Certainly my baggage has made several more trips than I have...

You know that whole idea that we trust people we know well? It only actually works if you're willing to occasionally mark someone as "not trusted" for the same reason. Sucks, though.

Maybe an adventure if I didn't need it for school...and my schoolwork wasn't all in my bag...etc...

And yeah, I have trouble trusting people in the first place. She was...special. I trusted her quickly, and sincerely, and now I don't feel I can at all. Crap.

[Serpentine]

@Serp: Heh, well, that's true. I'd also never see that avatar either, or hear about how your campaign went (on that note, how did it go?).

Oh hell! What request have I forgotten about now?!
And it hasn't One player went on holidays some weeks ago, another went on holidays a couple of weeks later, one player almost never turns up without warning me, and another potential player will probably need my game to work around his girlfriends
Good to hear you're seeking out something useful to do

[Thanatos 51-50]

Well - it's time for selfish Thanatos to post here and be selfish and dodge Goat-Slap hit squads.
Playground, Thanatos is depressed.
No, no reason. No, I'm not feeling suicidal or anything like that. Thanatos is just depressed. As in joyless. Work has sucked the joy right out, like milk through a straw.
At least, I'm blaming work.
I'm all tired and "meh". Feeling kind of lethargic, actually, but it's not the "I've been up and at work for 13 hours tired." It's the "Life blows" tired. Probably source is boredom and loneliness (The girlfriend is hanging out with one of her friends back home, the best friend is on an aircraft carrier somewhere in the Pacific.) and so I'm left to my own devices, with my persistant hobbies of "Moping and useless videogames."
There you have it. Sad Thanatos is sad.
Who has some chocolate and why is it not in mah mouths nao?

[horngeek]

*glomphugs*

That better?

[arguskos]

@Than: Well, *insert pithy and awesome analogy here*! There, doesn't that make you feel better?

Oh, you wanted real advice huh? Uh, I'm not so good at that. Tell you what. I'll send you one e-hug, and when you get it, you send me one back, and we'll call it even. At least this way, you can be reminded that we think you're pretty cool.

@Serp: Remember the pic I sent you?

[Manoftyr]

Hello thread, it's been a little while since my last post here and I can say that I *am* feeling better than I was, not quite so depressed; still not in the best frame of mine though.

The following exposition has been spoiler tabbed for length

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I feel like I'm going backwards, for lack of a better term. On my new medication configuration my bizarre impulses, odd visions in and outside of my head and paranoia were mostly under control...at first. Then, starting around the time of my last post, things started creeping up on me again; bouts of paranoia started returning to me, not as bad as they used to be but are steadily rising to that level, I've also been 'seeing things' in my mind or having sudden 'flashes' of unpleasant events and grotesque imagery with greater frequency. I've been getting sudden bouts of paranoia at night where I have to get up, check all the doors are locked, make sure all the windows are closed, look outside for any suspicious cars or vehicles, make sure that in the event of a break in; just my typical paranoid nonsense that I *thought* I had conquered.

Two days ago I experienced my first visual, lucid hallucination in quite awhile; it was a small one though, I saw a small scribble on my wall writhe and twist on its own then begin to take on various shapes which ranged from geometric patterns and then started turning into something that resembled a stick figure man. This was accompanied by a deep 'contorting' and 'twisting' feeling in the pit of my gut causing a sudden rise in terror in which I promptly got up and ran out of the house; after taking a few breaths and forcing myself to 'get a hold' of my mind so to speak the contorting stopped, it seems that they were also part of the hallucination.

It goes beyond just that though, lately I just...haven't been finding pleasure in much of anything; beer hasn't been so rich, wine hasn't been so sweet, food hasn't been so tasty, even sex hasn't been pleasurable...it's like my ability to enjoy things, anything, has departed me. About the only thing I enjoy doing anymore is, ironically enough, writing, which I am told by many is my main talent but even *that* is slowly beginning to lose its appeal to me; I feel like I'm...losing myself.

I know that Schizo-typal disorders and Paranoia are notorious for getting worse with age and in some cases have been known to, over time, transform into full blown Paranoid-Schizophrenia; and I am downright *TERRIFIED* of that happening to me. I feel like my self, my existence, my own mental state, everything that is essentially *me* is drifting away from myself into a vast pit of complete madness and I am utterly powerless to do anything about it...except take more medication.

And here in-lies the conundrum I face; is this going to be an endless cycle?, Am I just going to keep getting prescribed more and more anti-psychotics every time my symptoms resurface thus creating a viscous cycle that can only inevitably end with me becoming one of those drugged up mental patients wandering around an asylum like a zombie?

I know I have to do 'something' because the last time I ignored something like this I ended up completely screwing myself over by not nipping these issues in the bud before they got so serious I simply couldn't function in life anymore. As I mentioned in my post a few pages ago when I became a 'danger to myself and others' I could have prevented that by being more mindful of these kinds of things, of what was going on with myself chemically and in my own mind.

I'm probably going to talk to my therapist on Tuesday about these rising issues but I just *know* the response I get will be to put me on more medication...and I'm just frightened at the prospect of this being an infinite loop; I get meds, things are fine, craziness pops back up, get more meds, things are fine, craziness pops back up, get more meds...on and on and on until I'm so medicated that I'm barely cognizant of anything anymore.

Making this all worse is my friends and family notice somethings up, and they worry, but it's impossible to describe to any real length or degree to people who...well...for lack of a better term; aren't crazy.

[Zeb The Troll]

And if you DON'T have my phone number, and believe you're about to bring serious harm to yourself, call for help. Call a suicide hotline. Call for an ambulance. Call SOMEONE that can actually DO something!

I'd like to add that many of us have many other Playgrounders' phone numbers. Many of those people read this thread (though admittedly not all). My point is, if you need to contact someone (IE something like this happens again with someone else and one of you happens to know that a Playgrounder lives nearby or something) make a post and see if anyone can help. The odds may not be good, but they're probably better than most of us think they are, and since the risk is 0, there's no harm in asking.

Remember that none of us here claim to be professionals. Only one of our members is a licensed therapist, and even he can't do much when someone in crisis may be half a world away.

I'd like to amend this to point out that there are, in fact TWO licensed therapists that frequent this thread, as Alarra passed her LPC exam this march and is currently a practicing therapist dealing with teens/adolescents. (Though neither posts as frequently as most of you regulars, they do read it.)

ALSO: Argus, I'm very glad to hear that you're okay.

[Neko Toast]

Well, I'm back with another problem. Call it 'College Shock', I guess.

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Spent yesterday at Stevens Point, where I attend college, at a meeting for the anime convention we run there. Meeting went by fine, dinner at a local Japanese restaurant was delicious and fun.

And then we went to the apartment.

First off, let me explain something. I am known as 'Toast' among all of my college friends. I personally love the nickname. It's a lot easier for others to remember. Well, on the forums for this anime con we run, people have started calling me 'Weft Toast'. Why? I can't really remember. I don't even know what 'weft' means (it's not the textile definition. According to one of the guys, it's from his favorite book).

I basically roll with it for now, but I'm still curious as to the definition of weft. Well of course, everyone decides to be 12 (note: we had a 'mint fight' during the meeting, in which we started throwing the complementary mints the hotel gave us at each other), and no one tells me. I shrug it off, but the curiosity remains. Soon it gets irritating. Then aggravating. I soon wish that they would stop getting such a kick out of getting a rise out of me and just tell me what it means.

Then later, we ended up playing a game, where someone thinks of a condition (example: things you don't want to hear in a hospital), and everyone writes down something for it. Then the person who thought of the condition takes the papers and reads them off. Everyone else has to guess who wrote what. So, of course, someone thinks up "what do you think 'weft' means (and states that those who do know what it means cannot write the actual definition). At this point, I can't believe that they're taking it this far.

For the most part, the 'definitions' people come up with are harmless. Except for one. Someone wrote down "*** dumpster".



Everyone thinks it's hilarious. People proceed to write it down for other conditions later in the game, and they continue to poke fun at me.

Later that night, when we all finally went to bed, I ended up curling inside my sleeping bag and crying for a while. Reasoning? Guess I'm still depressed. Something that seems insignificant to most people usually affects me more easily. What really hurt me the most is that the twit that came up with "*** dumpster" was someone I considered to be the only person at college that I might be able to talk to if I had problems. I usually did this when he was on the IM service we use. Now, I'm not so sure I want to anymore. If he's going to mock me to get a rise out of me in real life, then I don't think he's a friend...

I'm hoping to see my [now only] friend that I can talk to when I have problems later today. Maybe I'll feel better talking to him. But my point is this: at college, I seem to be a lightning rod of mockery among my 'friends'. At home, this doesn't happen. I'm afraid that the move to college this year may be very hard, because, well, I won't have anyone to talk to, save for maybe a college therapist.

And college is a month away.

[Pyrian]

Ah, Draco. For some sadistic reason human beings are literally pre-programmed to tease whomever is least able to deal with being teased. You are probably going to have to learn some defense mechanisms, the first and most important of which is the complete non-reaction.

[afroakuma]

Slayer: You're right, that's kind of... harsh.

But not uncommon, sadly. I happen to be very easily riled myself, and with both friends and family have to deal with people maintaining running jokes at my expense. It's generally unwarranted and can get mean-spirited, and people at some point realize it and continue regardless - because it works and it's "funny."

I'd like to think that the running gag part of the "game" was simply puerile toilet humor run amok, and not intentionally directed at you. I was not there. I don't know.

What I do know is that you know it to be unwarranted, and the group knows that too. Given time, the way the wind blows will tell all. If it's gone in the next few days, you might want to just talk with the "friend" who did it and explain privately that you didn't find it funny. If it keeps up... I don't know what to tell you, since I'm stuck at this point myself, but I know several people here will have decent advice to give.

And yes, "thicker skin" is always an "option," but if it really affected you then ignoring it will only give them cause to push harder, whether consciously or otherwise. If there's one good thing about being an eggshell, it's that there are no surprises regarding what will make you snap.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

I did some searching for Swayer Dwaco, and sent her a pwivate message. It took some wooking, wemme teww you! I wooked high a wow, over and under, weft and wight, but I believe I may have discovered some sowid weads for her. [/Elmer J. Fudd, miwwoinaire; he owns a mansion and a yatch]

No, I'm not teasing her...I'm just being a bit silly, even if I suddenly found myself completely annoyed by this mystery word, "weft." It's a word from his favorite book? Well, he either has a thing for weaving, a joy of user manuals for Microsoft WEFT (Web Embedded Font Tools), or his favorite book is The Fairie Queene, published in 1590. Yes, boys and girls...I even found a Wiki article about it. The irony would be if this incomplete epic poem about virtues didn't teach this bully a thing about that which is the title of the fourth book, "Friendship."

Not sure why I'm writing this post...I guess the whole situation struck a nerve with me, as I have been victimized by such teasing myself when I was younger. It required at least some effort to find out what this damnable word might really mean.

[arguskos]

Did some digging about "weft" and I found that, in certain parts of England, weft is an insult of a kind, meaning that someone is crap. I've also found that weft can mean that someone is a waif. Weft seems to be a VEEERY odd word, with some very strange meanings.

Draco, I'm sorry that your "friends" are cruel about this, though I imagine few of them actually know what it means, and are being typically juvenile about such things. We're here for you, with hugs and whatever you need.

Oh, and none of us will call you Weft Toast if you don't want us to.

Lastly, because Bor didn't say it, Be Well. You're slipping Bor :P

[FdL]

Sorry to hear that, Draco. And yeah, it's a shame that people sometimes suck so much. People get silly and cliquey and like to pick on others, especially if they're different, weak or new or something like that.

I'd say that even though most people suck (ie, don't care about your feelings and will treat you like crap, if treat you at all) there are people worth discovering, who are the exact opposite.

I can understand too that you chose to withdraw yourself from social contact, the proverbial "thick skin". That works, sure, and if you're hurt you should try doing that. But remember that there's cool, caring people to find anywhere, and here's my sincere wish that you find them soon.

Just remember, be yourself and try not to care too much about what random people tell you or call you. Heck, even tell them that you don't like to be called that if you're not comfortable with it. You have a right to have people respect you, like you respect them. If this causes those people to not like you or leave you, well, they weren't good people to begin with and you're better without them.

[littlebottom]

this post is a little out of place, i will admit and sorry... but it is "depression".... i think

well im depressed normally anyway but thats not the point

the point of this post is how do you take the news that a girl whom you did not sleep with claims to have miscarried your child?

i dont wanna get into details in the board but we didnt actually sleep togeather but we did "have a thing" i donno how to put it subtly but simply put we enjoyed eachothers ...company?... once... so i suppose by a billion to one chance its possible (ok, maybe not billion to one, but you get my meaning, its not likely)... its one thing to find out that she was pregnant from such, and its annother to find out moments later she miscarried. (its been about 2 months now)

in many ways i dont believe her, but i never had reason not to trust her before... so yeah my heads kinda a mess atm and i didnt want to start a new thread attracting attention.... what do you guys think?

[Pyrian]

I couldn't really make sense of that. It sounds like you're simultaneously claiming that you did and did not have sex with her. Regardless, there's a reason for the saying that you shouldn't count your chickens before they hatch. I'd chalk that one off to "who knows what" and forget about it.

[Thanatos 51-50]

Okay, I felt better within a few hours after posting. It was just a transient thing, as predicted. Thanks for caring.

Anyway:
Manoftyr: Unfortunatly, I can't help you, nor can I help with your question, as if I did so I would be A) Hoirribly mis-informed and B) Talking out of my not-talking orifices. You're already getting yourself to a Therapsit, which is all I can in good concious reccomend. Good luck, and we're here for you.

Draco: Better men then me have given you advice. This line is so you know I didn't ignore your post.

littlebottom: Your post confuses me. If you did not sleep with (Which, for the record, I read as 'did not have vaginal sex') her at all, then it's physically impossible for her to have bore, much less miscarried your child, short of her harvesting your sperm and getting artifically impregnated with it.

[littlebottom]

@thanatos:

exactly... which is why i have very little reason to believe her... but ive always trusted her before.... thus is such the reason i am so confused, mainly on the point of weather to believe her or not, either way, emotionally for me is kinda of a no-win situation.

i either believe that she is a lier and fall out with her as a friend or believe her and thus believe that she miscarried my child ......(there is no smiley appropreate im affraid).....

@pyrian:

yeah, sorry, no i didnt have sex with her. but i think your right, its best just to move on and try and forget about it...

[The Rose Dragon]

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[Anuan]

Either that's in the wrong thread, or TRD is unhappy about the quality of his photo.

[The Rose Dragon]

Either that's in the wrong thread, or TRD is unhappy about the quality of his photo.

That's a link to a video, actually.

[Thanatos 51-50]

TRD: Hit up my PM box with your MSN handle and we'll discuss, I guess? I'll try to help you out.

[Serpentine]

@Serp: Remember the pic I sent you?

Oh feck! I completely forgot about it! It's still in my Inbox, I will get onto it eventually, honest. I still don't mind if you'd prefer to go with someone more reliable, though.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

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Definitely needs more cow bell.

Khan, we've discussed this kind of thing before, but I'll post here so others can absorb the grand wisdom that flows from the mind of Bor. (Is anyone buying that?)

I'll start with an old Bor Story. Old, in that I was around the age of 15 when this happened. As should be known by now, I was reared by the best mother in the world. And it's unfortunate that when I was younger I managed to adopt some of her social skills. One of these was the ability to speak without considering the consequences of what I was saying.

I was in the hospital...again...for diabetic ketoacidosis, and once I was on the path to recovery, I went about my regular routine of visiting other young patients in the adolescent ward. Usually, these other patients were girls. I'm not recommending a hospital as a great place to meet people, but what else was there for me to do, other than sit around in my room, bored.

One of the girls that I decided to sit and chat with was a young woman who was just diagnosed with leukemia. There was also the suspicion that she might also have diabetes. Well, these were two things that I was an "expert" on. I mean, my older brother died from leukemia when I was three and he was five, and I'd been a diabetic since age seven. What's more, I'd spoken to my biological mother about the posibility of having both illnesses at once, and she calmly informed me that such a person was doomed.

Can you see where this is going? This young woman started asking me questions, and I started answering, oblivious to any effect my words might have. I even took it upon myself to share my mother's views on someone having both diseases. And when I left that room, I honestly didn;t think anything had happened, other than having spent some time chattting with her and her roommate.

Within the hour, a doctor came in to shout at me a bit, and nurses took turns dropping in to give me a few speeches. The young woman required sedation to calm down, as she was now sure that she was doomed to die a horrible death...thanks to me. I was then confined to my room, and not even permitted to talk to my roommate. I recall a time when my IV became an issue, and the nurse taking care of me, who was still thoroughly pissed off at me, refused to address it as part of my punishment.

It gets even "better." I later found myself talking to a kid in high school, and was telling him this very story. He listened to my story, waited until I was done, and then asked, "That was you?!?" He then added to the guilt I'd been dragging around since that event by informing me he was her cousin, and that she required therapy over what I'd said.

"True genius."

This tale has an...improved "semi-ending," and an unhappy ending. You see, I was hospitalized yet again, and I found out that she was there as well. I sent a nurse over to her room and asked if she would allow me to come by and apologize. The young woman agreed, and I cried my freakin' eyes out as I BEGGED her to forgive me. Well, a couple of years had passed, and she was more than willing to do so. But I didn't dare go back to talk to her again. Though I'd partially learned a terrible lesson about speaking before thinking, said lesson hadn't sunk in completely, and I didn't trust myself.

As for the unhappy ending, she passed away during my senior year in high school. The only good I could derive from this was that I'd been given the chance to apologize before that happened. I still feel terrible guilt when I think about her, and now I can only pray that she rests in peace..a peace I certainly didn't provide when she was alive.

For those reading this and wondering how this story could possibly be true, since I'm "wonderful," you all need to understand that I didn't come out of the box this way. It has taken monumental, life-changing mistakes to become what people think is a fount of wisdom. I'm still making new mistakes, and learning new lessons from them. It's what other people call "Life," and it's no easy journey.

TRD, you harp on being something of a bastard. Not my words...yours. There are parts of your psyche that are damaged and need professional help. As I recall, that's something you've been actively doing. Unfortunately, pills don't fix everything. You need to look upon medications as...Well, it was once put to me like this: "Meds are the crutches that help you after leg surgery. They are part of your recovery, not the cure. It's up to you to go to physical therapy, exercise at home, and learn how to walk again." There is no genuine "happy pill," so don't hold your breath for one.

It takes a lot of work on the individual's part to make themselves better. What's distressing is that folks with psych issues take their meds, do the various other things they need to do, start feeling better, and decide they don't need their meds anymore. In short order, they start slipping back into the depths of mental illness. Patients, their friends, and their families all tend to forget that MENTAL ILLNESS IS A CHRONIC ISSUE! That's the key difference between "clinical depression" and "a case of the blues." Like my diabetes, such an illness will require constant care.

Of course, the difference in many cases is that mental illness won't instantly kill you. If I miss a dose of insulin, I will become very sick very quickly. Psychological disease doesn't work that way, and so it's easy for people to see it in an inappropriate light. I even heard a psych nurse give a "snap out of it" speech during group therapy. When I hear that now, my response is akin to, "Y'know...I never thought of that. I'm going to do that with all of my illnesses, starting with my diabetes!" (When said dripping with sarcasm, people often get the message swiftly.)

You want help? I'm afraid the key player is going to have to be you. If I had a magic wand that could fix things, I would do it an instant for many, MANY, MANY people. But I can't.

I can, however, provide an ego boost, starting with the fact that you claimed in the video that your English wasn't that great, and then used a few words most Americans would call "them thar $10 words!" What's more, I know you're not in the States, yet you are lacking a thick, foreign accent. And I'll top that off with the fact that you have a quality of voice that I, in my unprofessional opinion, would be perfect for voice acting! (I won't even get into the fact that you are slim, and that you have hair that I couldn't grow, ever! (Darn you, curly hair!))

This advice isn't perfect. Just last night I was on the phone with Arguskos, and he said I should listen to my own advice a bit. It's so much easier to give than to receive in this case. And while I often think before I open my mouth and make an inappropriate response, that whole practice went right out the window last week when I argued with my father. As I said, it takes constant work...and I hope that what I've said helps in some way.

[Gem Flower]

I am eternally grateful to the Playground.

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I had those darn nail scissors in my hand, and was aiming at my wrist, when something reminded me of GitP and the people who frequent its boards, especially those who have shown interest in my continued existence. I felt that I owed it to those people, such as DD, to not do it. So thanks to you guys, I am here to post, and not in the hospital or dead.

[Kaelaroth]

I am eternally grateful to the Playground.

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I had those darn nail scissors in my hand, and was aiming at my wrist, when something reminded me of GitP and the people who frequent its boards, especially those who have shown interest in my continued existence. I felt that I owed it to those people, such as DD, to not do it. So thanks to you guys, I am here to post, and not in the hospital or dead.

*massive hug*

[arguskos]

Yay!! Gem is still with us!! *hugs for everyone!!*

Seriously, good to see you here Gem.

[RabbitHoleLost]

I am eternally grateful to the Playground.

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I had those darn nail scissors in my hand, and was aiming at my wrist, when something reminded me of GitP and the people who frequent its boards, especially those who have shown interest in my continued existence. I felt that I owed it to those people, such as DD, to not do it. So thanks to you guys, I am here to post, and not in the hospital or dead.

You are so cute and I love you and I'm so happy
:: hugs::

[Recaiden]

I am eternally grateful to the Playground.

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I had those darn nail scissors in my hand, and was aiming at my wrist, when something reminded me of GitP and the people who frequent its boards, especially those who have shown interest in my continued existence. I felt that I owed it to those people, such as DD, to not do it. So thanks to you guys, I am here to post, and not in the hospital or dead.

I'm really glad that you stopped Gem. We do care about you.