Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

[HellfireLover]

I'm up, down, left, right at the moment. Apparently at the speed of light, or rather the speed of thought, which appears to be quicker right now.

Feeling pretty terrible actually, like I'm about to be removed from the Wiki Of Life as 'not noteworthy'. Just... why am I bothering, really? I'm just so very thoroughly useless.

Blogged at length, if anyone has the patience to read my inane idiotic ramblings of extreme idiocy.

Edit: woo, I found my beta blockers. Yay me, I guess. Reminding myself that I have a medicine cabinet full of enough drugs to fell several elephants was probably a bad move though.

[Helanna]

I haven't been reading this thread lately for various reasons, but I finally decided to join back in. So I've been reading through the last couple of pages (arguskos and Gem Flower: I'm SO glad you guys are okay!) and one thing that Bor said really needs emphasizing.

Well, it was once put to me like this: "Meds are the crutches that help you after leg surgery. They are part of your recovery, not the cure. It's up to you to go to physical therapy, exercise at home, and learn how to walk again." There is no genuine "happy pill," so don't hold your breath for one.

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Both of my sisters are good examples. My 15-year-old sister remains absolutely miserable despite her medication, simply because she expects the world to change to suit her (admittedly, she's a pretty stereotypical teenager so it's not really the best example).

But my 10-year-old sister, who is on medications for depression, anger issues, and panic attacks (yeah, my family tree is a fun map of mental issues), demonstrates this perfectly. She began her panic attacks by refusing to go see her father because she was afraid to leave my mom's side. It got to the point where she could barely leave the house, and so her medication was upped. It's better now, but she still refuses to see her father or go places without my mom, citing her panic attacks as a reason. Sometimes she complains that the medication must not be working, but that's not it. She's just refusing to even try to do anything that might set off a panic attack. She doesn't try to bear through them, she just gives up the instant she starts having one and doesn't try to stop it at all.

That was a little long and winding, but the point remains: medication on its own will not magically solve problems. Not showing instant and complete improvement is not a reason for giving up on medication. You need some willpower and support (much of which is offered by this thread, of course.)

I hope that didn't seem too long and winding. I'm partially just trying to distract myself from the current crisis being caused by my aforementioned sisters, so most of it's probably a bit redundant.

[potatocubed]

Edit: woo, I found my beta blockers. Yay me, I guess. Reminding myself that I have a medicine cabinet full of enough drugs to fell several elephants was probably a bad move though.

Solution! Kill an elephant. Them's good eatin'.

[The Valiant Turtle]

Solution! Kill an elephant. Them's good eatin'.

Ok already, you win the "best laugh I've ever gotten from the DT" award.

[zeratul]

This one may be rather interesing

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So basically the other day i came really close to stabbing myself in the heart. Firstly I have been non depressed for about 5 months. This thing sort of started when a friend of mine had mentioned that if i tried harder to get one i could probably get a gf, whilst we were having a conversation about chicks and stuff, and though he meant no offense it festered for the next few days and the combination of that and just my brain being weird and certain music i was listening to made me get like really depressed on that night. After getting in bed I was lying there and a sudden urge came over me to grab the kabar on my nightstand and stab myself in the heart with it. My brain sort of fought this urge until I gathered the mental strength to turn on the light and read comics to distract myself, then fall asleep. So yeah, I guess with the right combination of stuff my suicidal thoughts come back with a vengeance 'eh? Should this worry me? I was freaked out about it yesterday but now I find it more interesting than I do worrying.

[Neko Toast]

Well, I've finally decided to bulk up enough courage to pull my friend aside and ask him if we can talk sometime (don't know why I was afraid to ask before. I guess I couldn't find the right moment to do it before). My emotional state hasn't truly improved from yesterday, and right now I feel like talking with him face-to-face, or just asking for a hug from him, is the best thing for me right now. I do appreciate everyone who's consoled me on these forums already, but it doesn't seem to be enough. I'm hoping that I get a chance to see him tomorrow. If not, then I'll see him at gaming the day after.

For now, I'm just gonna browse the forums until I'm exhausted and fall asleep. Despite my seemingly perpetual tiredness, I can't seem to sleep right now.

[Anuan]

I'm very glad that Gem is still around I also encourage her to post more in the You thread, cause she's a cutie

zeratul: seek help, if the thoughts come back again. This is something you should be worried about if it happens again.

As to myself, my mental state is deteriorating again. The knives in my drawer are rather appealing at the moment, but I've never self-harmed.

[Narmoth]

This one may be rather interesing

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So basically the other day i came really close to stabbing myself in the heart. Firstly I have been non depressed for about 5 months. This thing sort of started when a friend of mine had mentioned that if i tried harder to get one i could probably get a gf, whilst we were having a conversation about chicks and stuff, and though he meant no offense it festered for the next few days and the combination of that and just my brain being weird and certain music i was listening to made me get like really depressed on that night. After getting in bed I was lying there and a sudden urge came over me to grab the kabar on my nightstand and stab myself in the heart with it. My brain sort of fought this urge until I gathered the mental strength to turn on the light and read comics to distract myself, then fall asleep. So yeah, I guess with the right combination of stuff my suicidal thoughts come back with a vengeance 'eh? Should this worry me? I was freaked out about it yesterday but now I find it more interesting than I do worrying.

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um, yeah. that should at least worry you enough to remove all weaponry, and potentially all stabby stuff from your bedrom. Maybe display them in the living-room or something?

[Moonshadow]

So, I have recently discovered that a group or 4 strongwilled women are remarkably good at smacking negative behaviour out of someone.

Or at the very least, forcing you to challenge them in a way that makes you get sick of fighting with them, trying to prove that you -are- a bad person.

Nevertheless, my mood lately has taken a turn for the better!

[smellie_hippie]

zeratul: Brief suicidal thoughts are not uncommon. I could maybe feel so bold as to say that at some point or another almost everyone has had such a thought.

The fact that you had a specific thought with access to lethal means makes it obviously more severe than the above mentioned... but you were able to use good coping skills to resist the urge. Professional help could be beneficial, which is a no-brainer comment, but if you pursue this you need to have them focus on the why.

Safety plans are easy if you stick to them, but having a third party help you hone in on what you may not have realized was making you potentially suicidal is a vital step. I realize your post already indicated some of the thought process that led you to this brief thought... but I thought I might help generalize things a bit for others that may be close to your situation.

[B-Man]

So, I've just sent off the e-mail reply to my father. I'm almost sort of regretting it right now but it's more of my own fears over whatever he can reply with. The worst outcome that can happen is me just blocking him out of my life for the rest of my life. On a more positive note, I may be able to learn more about him. I mean... I kind of do want to know the man that donated half of my genes... but then again there are those negative associations that I have against him.

I was firm in the e-mail saying that if he wants to continue working toward this that each reply may not contain any sort of attack to anyone not directly in the conversation. I think I did a good-ish job with curbing my own sarcasm in the reply but... eh... we shall see what we shall see.

[Faulty]

I've been having trouble focusing on my Intro to Deductive Logic class after the midterm. Maybe I put so much energy into that I had trouble getting any up. Well, I've missed class a few times now. Going to be missing it again, but for a legit reason (grandmother's funeral). I've been a few homeworks behind as a result. I'm catching up, but I was really depressed and mad at myself earlier, and a bit of that is residualy bringing me down.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

B-Man: Personally, I hate what you're going through. I've read your posts, and it seems unfortunately that your father isn't recognizing his opportunity. He has a chance to create a bond with his son...and is, instead, being stubborn.

I've kept it no secret what happened between my mother and I. Heck, there was a time when I was the only one of my father's children that fought to keep our family together. When I was engaged to Robin, I was always making calls to family across the country. It was during this time when I worked hard to improve the relationship I had with my mother. Sadly, she was slow to change, and in the end, outright refuse to change.

One phone convseration sticks in my mind (mostly). I was a debt collector at the time, and I'd called my mother with yet another diagnosis that would eventually become part of my disability case. The conversation went something like this:

My Mother: You should really start using herbal remedies. I can get them for you at a discount at my work.
Me: No, mom...This is a case where modern chemistry needs to be employed. I can't rely on what now equates to voodoo and mysticism.
My Mother: There's documented proof that herbal remedies work, and -
Me: No, mom. What you're suggesting would be like refusing my insulin because I found a flower that might work better.
My Mother: (Starts yelling at me that I'm being foolish)
Me: (Tries to calmly explain that following doctor's orders is not foolish, and that the time for a possible herbal route has passed.)
My Mother: (Yelling gets louder; mentions medications poisoning my body.)
Me: (calmly) If they're poisoning me, then why do I become functional after taking the medications?
My Mother: (More yelling; I'm not even quite paying attention right now.)
Me: Mom...At work, I don;t have to put up with irate strangers. What makes you think I'm going to take it from a family member?
My Mother: (More yelling.)
Me: Mom...Cinsider this warning number two. If you don;t stop yelling and start talking, I will terminate this call, just like I do to all the people I talk to every day.
My Mother: (Still more yelling.)
Me: (I hang up.)

Now, Robin and I were engaged at this point, and our wedding plans were underway. Since Robin was becoming "a member of the family," she took it upon herself to call my mother after I refused to do so.

My Mother: (sobbing) Well...I guess this is goodbye. I hope you kids have a good life together...
Robin: [My Mother's Name]? Shut up. You have to realize that your son is a man now, and that yelling at him won't work. I heard his entire side of the conversation, and he gave you three chances to talk to him. Instead, you tried to bully him, and that doesn't work anymore.

The relationship between my mother and I improved after that...or so I thought.

After Robin left me, I moved to Las Vegas for six months, all the while staying in touch with my mother. And when my life officially came undone, and I had nowhere to go, I moved to New York, onto my mother's couch on what I thought would be a temporary basis.

Indeed, it was temporary, because as my life unravelled as an incredibly fast pace, I discovered that my biological mother could not uphold her "nice act" for long. Everything came to a head when I attempted suicide, and her lack of humanity shined through. I've heard various explanations for what she did, and none of them ring true for me. When you find your son slumped beside a bath tub, semi-conscious, his left arm caked with blood from his attempts at artery/vein hunting, the IMPROPER response is, "Get up, clean up, pack up, and get out." No, the PROPER response, which does or doesn't include a little freaking out, is to call for help. And as I understand it, she did call for help...when she thought I'd become dangerous to her. My well-being had nothing to do with it. (As I hear it, I threw a light piece of furniture, though how I managed that, I have no idea.)

The next time I saw her was when I was in the psych ward. I'd been there 30 days, and was told she wanted to come see me. I agreed, thinking that there might be something important she wanted to say. Well, I was wrong. She came into my room and claimed to have been worried about me. Where was your concern when I'd gouged holes in my left arm, some of which required stitching? Seeing that that line of conversation wasn't working, she went back to her favorite topic: herself. She started complaining about all of her problems. Let me get this straight...I'm the one trapped in a psych ward after a serious suicide attempt, and now have nowhere to go, and I should be concerned with YOUR problems? IS THERE NO END TO YOUR SELFISHNESS?!?

My emotional explosion was so severe that the staff was gearing up to charge my room, hold me down, sedate me, and then move me to the secure ward.

She left, and I vowed afterward that I would have no voluntary contact with her if it could be avoided.

I was successful, right up until last year, when my brother became seriously ill. There was entirely too much fear that she and I would run into each other, and that there would be all-out war, which was the last thing my brother needed in his delicate condition. In an effort to ensure peace, I called her. It went something like this.

My Mother: Hello?
Me: (I asked for my mother by name.)
My Mother: This is her.
Me: It's your son, Robert.
My Mother: Oh. What do you want?
Me: Well, I'm on my way to Tenessee to see Stu, and a lot of people are afraid you and I are going to duel it out with chainsaws if we run into each other.
My Mother: Oh for G-d's sake, that's ridiculous.
Me: I know...But to make sure the peace is kept, I thought I should call.
My Mother: Of course there'll be peace.
Me: (Here's where I make a mistake; a part of me was somehow hopeful she'd become a human being over the eight years of no contact with me.) I was thinking maybe you and I could sit down and talk while I'm there.
My Mother: We don't have anything to talk about.
Me: (Nope...She's neither human nor humane. I should have known better, especially with my brother's wife telling me that my mother had to be removed from my brother's room because she was arguing with the nurses. This, with a degree of disappointment in my voice...) No...I guess we don't.
My Mother: Okay. Goodbye. (And she hung up.)

It bothers me a bit that when I tell such tales, they come across as "me, me, me." Just like my mother. The difference is that I'm telling a tale to empathize, and exemplify that I've been through something similar. Such stories don't bring me joy. I'm not boasting in any way, nor am I trying to place the spotlight on myself. No...Unlike my mother, who is always talking about herself to draw attention to herself, I'm saying these things to get the message out, "I understand in my own way what you're going through, and it pains me that you have to experience what I experienced."

And it does. It hurts when I see someone so young working so hard to fix a relationship with family that's broken, only to have such efforts rejected. I see an unfortunate future for those who don't work TOGETHER, with the one who tried the hardest saying, "Y'know...this isn't worth the pain. I'm done," and then ending all contact with the person with whom they tried to create/repair a relationship.

I wish you luck, B-Man. I honestly hope it works out. And if it doesn't...Well, you're not alone. I applaud your efforts in advance, whether or not they're successful. Here's hoping your father can get his head screwed on straight before you're forced to exorcise him from your life.

[White Raven]

Slayer Draco:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weft

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Slayer Draco:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weft

She said specifically that it wasn't the textile. Nice try, though.

[B-Man]

Bor, I want to thank you for the story that you shared and also for the hope that this relay may be better than other attempts. He has agreed to focus the conversation on the two of us at the moment (he replied in under half an hour after I sent the e-mail).

Now to find an apartment and/or job soon and things can be relatively better. Woo-hoo.

[Neko Toast]

My friend isn't feeling well today, at least that's what I heard from his [this is purely an assumption] girlfriend, anyway. I hope to whatever high power that exists that he doesn't fall ill, and therefore cancel gaming tomorrow. My emotions are slowly welling up right now, and I'm not sure how much longer I can take it...

[Raewyn]

Ugh...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SSRI_di...of_Venlafaxine

This is the second medication that I've tried and hasn't worked out. (This one made me throw up nightly and the first kinda zombified me)

Is there anyone who knows what they're on about that can encourage me that there's a medication out there for me somewhere?

[Helanna]

Is there anyone who knows what they're on about that can encourage me that there's a medication out there for me somewhere?

I'm sure there is. My sister is on multiple medications for a bunch of problems, and she's had to experiment with them quite a bit before finding the right dosages of the right meds before they actually worked. It can be kind of trial-and-error at first, but eventually you'll get the right one, I'm sure.

[Manoftyr]

Ugh...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SSRI_di...of_Venlafaxine

This is the second medication that I've tried and hasn't worked out. (This one made me throw up nightly and the first kinda zombified me)

Is there anyone who knows what they're on about that can encourage me that there's a medication out there for me somewhere?

At this point in my life I've been on so many medications, from anti-depressants to anti-psychotics that I'm something of an expert at this point; at least in the realm of personal experience. I've been on some configuration of medication since I was six years old, and at the ripe age of twenty two 'going on twenty three' I'm still on medication, and over the years the configurations have changed fairly regularly, if not quite constantly. Trust me, I know from experience that finding the right medication is 'anything' but a painless process.

When it comes to psychological illnesses a lot of factors ranging from spectrum, to severity to genetics play into what works for who; it's really a game of trial and error...and if meds could help my insane-o, paranoid, out-of-my-mind, detached from reality self then I'm sure there's one out there that should work for you.

I can't by any means crawl inside your head and tell you what you need but what I 'can' do is relate my own experiences with medications and say with a fair degree of certainty that unless you're a gibbering lunatic there is positively a medication out there that can help you; if there are meds that can help me, then there are meds who can help just about anyone methinks.

If I may ask, what was the last medication you were on and for what reason where you taking it?; I ask because I feel I may be able to help...although I'm admittedly not nearly as good as Bor is when it comes to this sort of thing.

[Dallas-Dakota]

On medications, mine currently work, probably have some bad side-effects.

Worst part is, is that I don't really even care anymore.

I am going to try and sleep without Melatonine tonight, though.

[Nano]

I made a rather lengthy post a week or two back. Obviously the concert thing is no longer an issue, but I'd appreciate if someone could try and make sense of that mess.

[Shraik]

Ya know, it's weird. a confused feeling I am getting. People, men and women of the cloth, devote their lives to christ, and God. They find their vocation. I have found an odd vocation. Similar, where I give up many other things, such as marriage and the opposite sex, so I don't distract myself from what I need to do. I've gotten the feeling I should leave when I get older. Follow my vocation, to learn of music. A pilgramige of sorts. I want to explore the world, learn it and live it. The people who plays in bars down in soho, the poor who play for change in lower world countires, and street performers in rome. Learn the sincerity of the arts, the beauty that lies within the realness. The kind of things that make your eyes weak, that help you realise how beautiful people can be. I want to travel the world, and become one with this beauty. I want to go, and learn, so I may contribute. I am not a talented musician, but I am motivated. I feel I know what music should be: An Art form. I want to become immersed in it. And I have no idea as how to do it. I want to live on my own, no lovers and no friends. They're good at this point in life and I like my friend, but I'm a solitairy being in that I am social, but alienated, and such an individual as I just never fit in. I feel at home, and no longer alone, with my music, and that is all.

[V'icternus]

On medications, mine currently work, probably have some bad side-effects.

Worst part is, is that I don't really even care anymore.

I am going to try and sleep without Melatonine tonight, though.

I used to take Melatonin, but I found that the more I took it, the less effective it was...

So I stopped taking it.

Now that I'm not consistently taking it, whenever I really need to sleep, I just take one and it makes it much easier. I've also found that if you take one a night, it doesn't change much to up your doseage by one.

But yeah, if you don't need to get up early, just don't take any.

Of course, I'm no doctor... my only experience with Melatonin is that my whole family takes it... (My brother needs two a night just to get to sleep... Extreme ADHD, extreme ADD and semi-mild Autism, all rolled into one... *Sigh*)

[Anuan]

So, I'm in the process of arranging for counselling. Any info on what I should expect? I havn't had anything to do with this sorta stuff for like...seven years or something.

[V'icternus]

What kind of counselling? (Hmm, am I spelling that right? Counselling... counselling... Oh well, sounds right.)

Regardless, the best thing to remember is trust. Just trust them with everything they ask for.

[Raewyn]

If I may ask, what was the last medication you were on and for what reason where you taking it?; I ask because I feel I may be able to help...although I'm admittedly not nearly as good as Bor is when it comes to this sort of thing.

Of course you can. (And if you're curious about the withdrawal effects, the link I posted was to a Wiki article on the subject)

I was on Venlafaxine, better known as Effexor XR, for depression.

[Meirnon]

I agree. Trust the counselors, they know what they're talking about and most of them are doing their job for more than the ridiculous amount of money it costs: Most of them do it because they are genuinely sympathetic and want to help. And also, while it sounds terrible, they are professionals... they know how you feel and understand it.

If you don't trust the counselors, not only are you not getting yourself anywhere, you're losing alot of money.

[Anuan]

It's gonna be free. School counsellors; I probably should have mentioned that earlier.

[Meirnon]

Oh... Well then, they REALLY have no qualifications. Don't even bother with them, really, all they've ever done to me was mess up my schedule then say they'll do things they don't do. Terrible, terrible people.

Sure, I'm exaggerating a bit, but it's pretty bad.