Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

[Cheesegear]

...You're telling me you still don't know how much I don't like random excercise?

If you make a habit out of it, it's no longer 'random'. It's a scheduled outing that you've planned for and have been expecting.

Originally posted by KataraAltinaII
besides, if you think walking is a "difficult exercise" [OMG I spelled it right!] then you're a pansy.

QFT. Walking is easy. If you do find walking 'hard', then only walk a little bit, further and further every time. Soon, you'll find that walking takes far too long and then that's when you start jogging.

Back to V'ic
I only choose walk when I have somewhere to go.
I rarely have anywhere to go.

That's why you make yourself have somewhere to go.

Besides, why get out of my comfort zone? I'm comfortable here. And I have no reason to leave. I have a room to shut myself in, and if I want exercise, I have a fully functional bike that I can use.

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I have issues with the emphasised (by me) statement. And, judging from what I've read of your previous posts, I know you don't care a whit. But, I had the same view-point as you for ...roughly two years of my life. And, whilst it does seem 'okay' to you, one day - like me - you're going to find that that kind of view of the world doesn't work, at least, in the sense of being non-functional.
One day, your room isn't going to be around anymore. You're going to find that you need to eat, you need to buy things, you need to do stuff. And, unless you know precisely what you're doing, you're going to need money to do the things you want to do. Which includes work. Which includes dealing with people who don't have the same viewpoints as you.

In any case, sooner or later you'll change your mind. And, if you don't, then I'll just have to go right ahead and be sad for you.

And telling other people to simply 'not care' about things that're stressing them out is...Slightly insulting. If it wasn't important to them then they wouldn't be stressing.

Remember, the idea of exercise isn't to go anywhere. It's to get yourself healthy, get some fresh air, sunshine to activate that Vitamin D that you need for healthy bones, and maybe socialise (you're on distance education, right?) with the people on your street. And all-importantly, activity = endorphins, which makes you happy, or at least less angry/stressed about...Everything.

[Jibar]

I'd just like to stress the importance of getting out of your room.
I'm sitting here with a niiice side of agoraphobia that's just getting the worse the longer I sit here.
Right now, if it's just a matter of personal preference, you have a much greater chance than me of getting out and about every now and then and building up a resistance to the outdoors and the world around you. And, seriously, do it.

[V'icternus]

Well, for the time being, my room is my only real escape from the various things in my life that cause me to want to leave it, and I don't really feel like giving up my room hiding.

Of course, my "hiding" jsut means going in, closing the door and doing what I want. I leave when someone needs me, or when I need something. I just find it to my liking to have a wall and a locked door between me and the rest of the world.

And as for the health implications, well...
Screw that. If my diet doesn't kill me, then I'm sure some disease will come along and knock me off. If I wanted to be healthy and live a long happy life, I'd have started trying years ago. About ten years, actually.
No, I'm not trying to shoot down your advice for no reason. I'm just not the kind of person who can really be helped.
I've been to real world proffesionals, I've tried to find out if anyone could convince me otherwise, but I just can't seem to be helped.

But like I said, I'm actually fien with where I am right now. I'm in my room less, and have started trying to plan for the long-term. And I remain relatively happy, despite my current illness (unidentified as of yet. Might be a cold or flu...)

[Cheesegear]

Well, for the time being, my room is my only real escape from the various things in my life that cause me to want to leave it, and I don't really feel like giving up my room hiding.

Yeah. Exactly. 'Running Away' is not a solution. You go by distance education and you don't have job. Socially, you've been very (un?)lucky, because in scholastic and work environments, there are no places to run away. The problems yesterday are still problems today.

I leave when someone needs me, or when I need something. I just find it to my liking to have a wall and a locked door between me and the rest of the world.

I know what you mean. I really, really do. Since - to an extent - I still do that myself, except for the fact that my door doesn't lock. So, if I do decide to shut myself in, it means jack-all. But, I recognise the fact that
a) It's non-functional, in terms of 'the real world', and
b) Hiding isn't a solution

Screw that. If my diet doesn't kill me, then I'm sure some disease will come along and knock me off. If I wanted to be healthy and live a long happy life, I'd have started trying years ago. About ten years, actually.

When I was doing my training in the hospital, I was put in a cardiac ward (truth be told, the worst place they could've put me. Since that ward and it's patients directly led to me quitting nursing). Now, as I'm sure you know, hearts don't just 'give out' for no particular reason, and - as the media likes to shove in our face - most forms of heart disease are easily preventable.
Most of the guys in that ward had a common thought;
"If only I'd known then what I know now." in other words; Perhaps they should've been paying attention to their health.

With a decent (not 'Right', since I don't believe there is a 'Right Diet') and a halfway decent amount of exercise, it takes on average 5-8 weeks to get 'healthy' (not 'fit'). The only 'effort' that is really put into being healthy, is the motivation at the start. Once you start exercising, you'll be much happier (the healthy side is an afterthought, given the nature of this thread). The reason 'going outside' is a common piece of advice on this thread is because it works.
THE OUTSIDE IS YOUR FRIEND.

No, I'm not trying to shoot down your advice for no reason. I'm just not the kind of person who can really be helped.

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But the way you shoot it down could use some work. "Screw that." is hardly the proper response to someone giving you advice, and, frankly, if you were sitting in front of me at this very moment...Luckily, this is the internet, and in the spirit of the thread and the Forum Rules in general, Backspace was my friend.

Because you don't want to be. Because Life hasn't kicked you in the nuts yet for doing what you've been doing. And it will. And, as I said before; If you don't change, I'm going to be sad for you.

But like I said, I'm actually fien with where I am right now. I'm in my room less, and have started trying to plan for the long-term. And I remain relatively happy, despite my current illness (unidentified as of yet. Might be a cold or flu...)

Again, you're fine because so far there have been no problems (for you) with what you've been doing. 'Planning for the long term', pretty much means 'getting healthy' otherwise there is no long term. And, at least you're not one of those people that equates the flu with the common cold. But if you had the flu (Influenza); You'd know. Because you'd be in hospital or having a very, very unpleasant time with vomiting and diarrhea.

Here's a story that my psychiatrist told me because I was once just like you; I've embellished and fleshed it out little bit;

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You're a guy, in a war. You've just spotted the enemy army. That enemy is Life. Yes, for you, right now; Life is your enemy. Think about what that means for a second. In any case, Life wants to do things to you, good or bad, it makes hardly a difference. So, you dig a foxhole, and you hide from the enemy. Of course, by hiding; Life can't get to you, but, nor can you get to Life.
Now, your buddies, they all run over the trenches and straight into Life, guns blazing. Some of them get shot. Some of them get flesh wounds and keep on fighting. Some go down in a blaze of glory to be remembered by everyone who saw him. And some go on to be glorious heroes. They take their shots at Life.
But you, you're in a foxhole. You don't get shot down by Life. But you don't take any shots either. Some people, they're still in the trenches, some have been at Life, but have run away back into the trenches. Now, they'll stay with you for a while. But the ones who took their shot and came back, will soon realise how much more exciting not hiding was, and they'll go back into the fray.
And soon, everyone on your side of the field, the people who know you, will all be gone, Life will have moved on, since they didn't find you in your foxhole. Life is gone, all your compatriots are gone. And you'll be left alone wondering what the Hell happened.

Here's another story that makes me sad because I personally know these guys;

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In my Grade 12 class, there were two boys and a girl. They didn't really care about anyone except themselves, they didn't care about anyone else's problems, and their own problems didn't matter because they spent their whole life running away. All three of them didn't think school was important.
One of them is now in jail for years for vehicular manslaughter whilst DUI
The girl is now in jail for a few months in relation to the above.
And the other guy, with the only two people in the world who could put up with his crap, OD-ed on heroine the week after.

[Calmness]

You know V'icternus, i used to be like you when i was younger. I never got out of my room when i was a teenager because i felt safer there, never went to parties during high school or middle-high and never got together with my classmates, all to avoid leaving my comfort zone. I'm 22 now and i have a non-existant social life and only one person i would really consider a friend. Soon i'll get my degree in Industrial Engineering and i'll leave my College classmates behind the same way i left everybody. It is pretty sad honestly, and i would never wish this loneliness to anybody. It is not worth it, and you'll just end up kicking yourself in the nuts when you are older.

So yeah, don't be afraid of shaking things up man, there are many good things and people out there, believe me.

[Faulty]

I try to keep up beat about life and myself, but right now I feel really ****ty about myself. I don't feel attractive, don't like the way I dress, but feel like no clothing would look good or right on me, and I don't feel like I have a particularly strong or likable personality. Maybe this's passing, but sometimes I feel like my self-love is self-denial.

[V'icternus]

I fully understand that some of the things I do are non-functional and don't help, and I also understand that my life isn't likely to last much longer unless I start eating better. (Which has always been a problem for me.)

And you're right about the fact that nothing's ever really happened to me. The closest life has ever gotten to me are the times when my family members got badly affected by it. My dads cheating and subsequent divorce, and the time my brother got hit by that car are the main ones I can remember.
Oh, and the ever-present problems my sister faces...

I've never broken a bone, and I've never been to an emergency room (except for the aforementioned time when my careless brother got smacked across the street by a careless driver)

However, I am trying, at least a little...

I'm way more social than I used to be. I even use the phone now, and talk to strangers on the street when they want to talk.
I'm more confident about my appearance and spend mych less tiem in my room. If I could just get out more and eat some healthy food, I'd be fine. But the food thing's always been a problem and the getting out, well... I'm gonna try and do that once the weather improves. (Walking the dogs, mainly)

[Faulty]

Become a vegetarian. It's not necessarily healthier, but because it's a more limited diet, you're forced to look at what you eat more often. It'll help keep your attention focused on your diet, and when done right is very healthy.

[Ego Slayer]

Just gonna say something really quickly here.

I had a bit of a panic attack last night, which was a first for me. I eventually calmed down by the time I went to bed. I woke up at 5am for no apparent reason, got up to close the windows (obnoxious birds), and as I was lying there again trying to get back to sleep, thinking about things, my heart started racing again and I sat up and tried to think about something else and subdued it enough to fall back asleep. I *just* woke up now, 11:10am, and as soon as I fully gained consciousness, my heart starts racing and I'm a bit shaky again. What the hell is happening? Am I accidentally giving myself panic effects because of how dazed and confused, and later a little scared, from the first one and am nervous about getting more. How the hell can I start feeling like this TWICE immediately upon waking up.

I had a bit of a headache coming on last night, so I popped an Advil, and had some tea, so it's not like I'm doing anything I haven't done before. I'm not really on any 'meds', except for a longterm antibiotic for something, that I've had for a couple weeks now. It's onset was purely emotional, as far as I see. And I've had A LOT of serious breakdowns, but never one perfect enough to have an attack from.

Haaaaaalp.

[Lufia]

When you say any issue, you do mean any issue?

Procrastination.

I've had a habit of doing stuff close to the deadline for a very long time, but now it's getting ridiculous. I've a paper to do during the term (the whole term)? I'll start thinking about it a week before at the earliest. And when I suddenly decide I want to work and get on the computer, I get sidetracked by internet, games, hell even Minesweeper!

I know it's a way not to have to admit failure. "Man, if I'd invested more time in that, I'd have totally aced it!" But even knowing that, I can't seem to do anything to solve the problem. And having to work on the computer (and often needing the internet for references) just makes things worse.

Does anybody have any advice for that?

[golfmade]

Any advice for how to chill out when facing road rage? Granted I actually live in Taiwan and traffic here is chaos, but I hate getting angry each time I go out because of the chaos here. I've been here 3 years now and I know traffic routines, I know the type of morons that will gladly drive on the wrong hand side of the road, I know who will turn left when their right blinker is on, etc... I know all this and I've never been in a serious accident but most days I just have to shut my motorcycle helmet and just scream, especially before I get home so I try not to bring that anger into the house.

And yeah, this honestly is affecting my personality. I'm not a violent person but I've found that more and more I wish people here would get into accidents when I see them blindly running a red light or such.

[Katrascythe]

Any advice for how to chill out when facing road rage? Granted I actually live in Taiwan and traffic here is chaos, but I hate getting angry each time I go out because of the chaos here. I've been here 3 years now and I know traffic routines, I know the type of morons that will gladly drive on the wrong hand side of the road, I know who will turn left when their right blinker is on, etc... I know all this and I've never been in a serious accident but most days I just have to shut my motorcycle helmet and just scream, especially before I get home so I try not to bring that anger into the house.

And yeah, this honestly is affecting my personality. I'm not a violent person but I've found that more and more I wish people here would get into accidents when I see them blindly running a red light or such.

Yeah I live in TX and I see lots of idiot drivers. Not to that extent but I feel your pain. Not trying to be (too) funny but you might try less caffeine in the morning or something. I'd also try some music in the background when you're driving. Or if you already play music try changing genres and see if you can find something that calms your nerves as opposed to exciting them.

I'm not exactly a psychologist but I do stuff like that if I know that the morning will be really stressful so I don't blow up at someone.

[dish]

Ego:

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What you describe sounds exactly like something I've experienced during periods of prolonged or excessive stress. A friend once had it so bad that NHS Direct diagnosed her as having a heart attack when she wasn't - it was just her body dealing with the stress of moving from the UK to China.

So, the first thing I'd ask is: can you identify any major or long-lasting stress which might have caused your body to react this way? If you can, I'd recommend looking into relaxation techniques such as yoga, breathing or visualisation exercises. If you can't, or if these attacks persist, I would definitely advise you to check it out with your doctor.

To get through an attack I generally try to keep my mind as calm as possible by telling myself, "This is just my body reacting in a natural way. It'll be over soon. Everything is actually ok," until it passes.

Lufia:

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Wish I could help, but the fact that I'm posting on a forum at 2.50am rather than doing the work I sat down to do at 5pm yesterday evening, suggests that I share this problem. The best I can offer is: get the references first, and then disable the internet connection until you've finished the report.

golfmade:

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I've lived in China for over a decade. I don't own a car here, but I do ride a bicycle through the Shanghai streets, and I am amazed at how many times I have cheated death whilst doing so. My advice is:
1. If possible, leave the motorbike at home and take public transport. That way you just avoid the problem. (In the Shanghai metro, though, it leads to different forms of transport rage, such as, "Why do they keep on pushing and shoving? Why can't they let departing passengers out of the carriage before barging in themselves? Why?"
2. Try to keep the focus on the positive. Instead of thinking, "OMG that idiot nearly killed me," think, "I correctly identified the risk and managed to avoid a collision. Good work. Now keep alert for the next threat." In fact, you can just imagine every trip as a safety test and focus on improving your score each day.
3. Make sure you always leave plenty of time for your journey. The less rushed you are, the easier it is to remain philosophical about the driving.
4. Turn it into an 'I Spy' type of game. Keep a running tally of how many cars you see jump a red light, or how many people you meet driving on the wrong side of the road. See if you can beat your previous best scores. Collect your favourite incidents to use as dinner party stories. (One of my favourites is the time I saw a truck driver completely misjudge his breaking distance to a red light and drive straight into a stationary police motorcycle. The two policemen were knocked off unharmed, but incredibly annoyed. Passing pedestrians were stopping to point and laugh.)

[Ego Slayer]

Ego:

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What you describe sounds exactly like something I've experienced during periods of prolonged or excessive stress. A friend once had it so bad that NHS Direct diagnosed her as having a heart attack when she wasn't - it was just her body dealing with the stress of moving from the UK to China.

So, the first thing I'd ask is: can you identify any major or long-lasting stress which might have caused your body to react this way? If you can, I'd recommend looking into relaxation techniques such as yoga, breathing or visualisation exercises. If you can't, or if these attacks persist, I would definitely advise you to check it out with your doctor.

To get through an attack I generally try to keep my mind as calm as possible by telling myself, "This is just my body reacting in a natural way. It'll be over soon. Everything is actually ok," until it passes.

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My entire existence is stress. I'm always stressed. Always on edge and can break down in tears at the tiniest things. I've had so many breakdowns where I feel like I'm dying, but I've never had a physical reaction like that.

Sunday was a different kind of emotional intensity than I usually get. Was more on the positive side of the spectrum, except later that evening *everything* came crashing back down on me. Everything that's worrying me, all the thoughts that stress me, etc. I cried a bit, calmed down a little... wasn't stable, but it wasn't anything I hadn't felt a thousand times before. I was supposed to be doing something with my guild in WoW that evening, which I always look forward to, but someone made a comment in guild chat (something especially distasteful and disrespectful, but not at anyone in guild) as we were getting things set up, and I freaked out and closed both Ventrilo and the game. I'd been listening to music earlier, so the media player was still up and I flipped on a song and sat at my desk with my head in my hands and just cried. Between so many painful, confusing, and worrisome things all tearing through my head at the same time pared with the intensity of the music and some stupid thing I couldn't stop repeating to myself, in my head, and feeling utterly alone again, I went way off the deep end.

I've had something like heart palpitations all day when, honestly, I'm relatively calm mentally. I'm a little scared, because I'm patiently waiting for this to end, but there's nothing immediately stressing me. I've already distracted myself with the internet, sat outside in the sun/took a short walk, took a shower, tried to do a bit of yoga to get myself to breathe right... but there's no end in sight.

[Gem Flower]

*sigh* I'm here to vent.

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I'm trying. I really am. I have been able to stop myself from cutting a few times. But my depressions always come back worse! I'm confused; it's as if there is a war going on inside me, and I have no control over either side! I've started to withdraw. People I used to talk to, I now shut out. I've also come to a realization; in some ways, I truly loathe myself.

[Cheesegear]

@Gem

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I have been able to stop myself from cutting a few times. But my depressions always come back worse! I'm confused; it's as if there is a war going on inside me, and I have no control over either side! I've started to withdraw. People I used to talk to, I now shut out. I've also come to a realization; in some ways, I truly loathe myself.

Unfortunately, that's a lot of descriptive and emotive text there. But, there isn't a whole lot I can say/ask except 'Why?', what is actually going on in your life to make you feel this way?

Why are you cutting? (I seriously don't understand the concept of self-harm myself, even at my most depressed {Suicidal}, the idea of doing small, non-lethal injuries to myself never made any sense. So, I really do want to know why you do it.)
What is this 'war' inside yourself?
Why do you shut out people you used to talk to?
Why do you loathe yourself?

More questions that I need answers to before I can give satisfactory advice (all of the following questions could be in relation to the above questions);
How old are you? Due to the nature of the internet, feel free to not answer that.
Who do you live with? How's home life in general?
Do you go to school, and if so, what level are you at? (The options of junior-year students are completely different to senior-year)
Do you have a job? Do you enjoy it?

[Zeb The Troll]

@Ego - See a doctor. Alarra recently had symptoms like what you're describing. It turned out to be sinus tachycardia brought on by the pregnancy but there was genuine concern by the ER. It took a cardiologist to identify it and explain what's going on because those symptoms can be linked to any number of more worrisome troubles.

I don't want to stress you out more, it's probably nothing, but I'd like for you to come back soon and let us know that a doctor told you it was nothing.

*steals some of Alarra's pudding and gives Ego a bowl*

[Dallas-Dakota]

*sigh* I'm here to vent.

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I'm trying. I really am. I have been able to stop myself from cutting a few times. But my depressions always come back worse! I'm confused; it's as if there is a war going on inside me, and I have no control over either side! I've started to withdraw. People I used to talk to, I now shut out. I've also come to a realization; in some ways, I truly loathe myself.

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*hugs*
I think I know how you feel.....I rarely talk anymore to some people, or become very, very moody when I do. My brains....Well there's this stupid thing called a Chronic Migraine which has taken a liking to that space in my head.

How is the 'personal hanger' idea going? It sounds a bit like your emotions are heavily acting on hormones/chemicals/whatever. Does the hanger/bracelet thingy give you a moment delay, enough for you to 'take control' ?

I've been hanging around with some of the same stuff that you just described. Some more details, as Cheesegear said, would be nice. But I'm coming back to you as soon as I've found th answers. Which may be as soon as.......20 kabzillion years.....

[golfmade]

For Katrascythe:

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Yeah I live in TX and I see lots of idiot drivers. Not to that extent but I feel your pain. Not trying to be (too) funny but you might try less caffeine in the morning or something. I'd also try some music in the background when you're driving. Or if you already play music try changing genres and see if you can find something that calms your nerves as opposed to exciting them.

I'm not exactly a psychologist but I do stuff like that if I know that the morning will be really stressful so I don't blow up at someone.

Well I don't drink caffeine as much as I used to and I always listen to music when I'm on my scooter. I generally change what I listen to from day to day. One of the biggest problems is just that, in the mornings I study Chinese at a university, then go have lunch with my wife, then go to work then of course go home late at night from work.

for dish:

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golfmade:

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I've lived in China for over a decade. I don't own a car here, but I do ride a bicycle through the Shanghai streets, and I am amazed at how many times I have cheated death whilst doing so. My advice is:
1. If possible, leave the motorbike at home and take public transport. That way you just avoid the problem. (In the Shanghai metro, though, it leads to different forms of transport rage, such as, "Why do they keep on pushing and shoving? Why can't they let departing passengers out of the carriage before barging in themselves? Why?"
2. Try to keep the focus on the positive. Instead of thinking, "OMG that idiot nearly killed me," think, "I correctly identified the risk and managed to avoid a collision. Good work. Now keep alert for the next threat." In fact, you can just imagine every trip as a safety test and focus on improving your score each day.
3. Make sure you always leave plenty of time for your journey. The less rushed you are, the easier it is to remain philosophical about the driving.
4. Turn it into an 'I Spy' type of game. Keep a running tally of how many cars you see jump a red light, or how many people you meet driving on the wrong side of the road. See if you can beat your previous best scores. Collect your favourite incidents to use as dinner party stories. (One of my favourites is the time I saw a truck driver completely misjudge his breaking distance to a red light and drive straight into a stationary police motorcycle. The two policemen were knocked off unharmed, but incredibly annoyed. Passing pedestrians were stopping to point and laugh.)

1. Have never been to China yet but I'm sure Shanghai is much worse than Kaohsiung. That said public transportation is not an option for me. Every day I need to be in different parts of town and well, the bus system here sucks and I'd take the MRT if it went anywhere near where I need to be, but it doesn't.
2. That's one thing I've been trying to do is turn things into a positive. I've noticed it works but not 100% of the time, just need to do it more I guess.
3. I generally am not in a rush but funny enough (maybe I'm a bit knocked in the head...) I view more time on the road as a bigger chance of being in an accident. So while I leave myself time to get someplace I generally try to plan a route that will get me there as quickly as possible.
4. That's one thing myself and my friends here do. I have a good friend who is from Germany and was in the military before in various aspects, including military police. He told me on his ride to class one morning here he counted over 600 traffic violations. And every Friday night when we do our gaming sessions we always start with dinner and traffic news right off the bat, it's a bit cathartic to share the news with friends, then get it out of the way and let the dice roll.

May I ask what you do in Shanghai?

[KataraAltinaII]

No, I'm not trying to shoot down your advice for no reason. I'm just not the kind of person who can really be helped.

Because you don't want to be. Because Life hasn't kicked you in the nuts yet for doing what you've been doing. And it will. And, as I said before; If you don't change, I'm going to be sad for you.

I'll quote this for truth. It's all still fun and games because something like that hasn't happened to you. I know this from experience, because I was one of the unlucky ones who it DID affect.

life really DID come along to kick me in the nuts. I'd tell the story, but it's not really too relevant.

What I'm saying is, is it appears that you're taking the same road I did, and, once you get a job or go to college [assuming you do. If you don't, more power to ya] you can't live the same life you did before college or work, otherwise it'll get you there. life always chooses one of those times to strike. [P.S. that's where my story would fit in]

And you claim that you're unable to be helped. There's an old religious saying that goes something like "God doesn't help those who don't help themselves". Whilst I know that not everyone believes in God, it's ultimately a true principle regardless, and so here's the non-religious version:

"Those who do not help themselves will never receive help."

Your refusal to help yourself is why no one, not even the professionals you went to see [correct me on that if I'm wrong] is able to help you. Sure it might seem fine this early in life, but later on, it's going to hit you hard. If not only my story to back me up, then the stories I have of friends and family who did the same thing.

and of course, I could start a big rant about why people who don't want help should never complain about anything, but that doesn't seem like the right thing to do in this scenario.

One thing I will advise though, is, unless it's completely stupid or irrelevant, never shoot down someone else's advice. Otherwise, it's just complaining without a cause, often known as whining.

just a little pointer.

As for one final note; I didn't mention too much about the health issue because that's one thing that I'm sort of digging myself a grave for, and so therefore telling you stuff that I don't even do or stuff that I have no experience in, would by hypocritical.

and a hypocrite, I am not. if anything, I'm the opposite.

[dish]

Ego:

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1. You say it's been going on pretty much all day. In that case, as Zeb said, I do recommend going to a doctor. Just check out that it isn't something physical. (And if it is physical, at least you can stop worrying about your stress levels. )

2. If it is related to the emotions you experienced during the guild chat, then maybe you should seek a bit of closure there? Just a simple email or PM to the guild member explaining that while you really enjoy playing and interacting with them, that particular comment offended and upset you, so could they please not do it again? The member might feel it was something off-hand and insignificant, but you do have the right to politely request a respectful environment to interact in.

Gem:

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You've been struggling with this for a while, haven't you? It is possible that this particular battle is the 'darkest night' one, and if you make it through this, you could find it easier in the future.

I read a line in a short story once which said, "In our society, the more beautiful and intelligent a young woman is, the more likely she is to suffer from major insecurity issues."

Sometimes I hate our society.

Writers who I found helpful in dealing with my own self-hatred issues:
M. Scott Peck (especially 'The Road Less Travelled' and 'Further Along the Road Less Travelled').
Gerard Hughes (especially 'God of Surprises').

The latter might be a bit too Christian - but actually I think any Christian theologian who is talking about the concept of 'forgiveness' will probably have something relevant to say here, since 'self-hatred' or 'self-loathing' is basically a refusal to forgive yourself for your natural human failings, isn't it?

golfmade:

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I teach, but we'd better continue this conversation in RB or another thread, since it isn't really relevant here.

[Ego Slayer]

Ego:

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1. You say it's been going on pretty much all day. In that case, as Zeb said, I do recommend going to a doctor. Just check out that it isn't something physical. (And if it is physical, at least you can stop worrying about your stress levels. )

2. If it is related to the emotions you experienced during the guild chat, then maybe you should seek a bit of closure there? Just a simple email or PM to the guild member explaining that while you really enjoy playing and interacting with them, that particular comment offended and upset you, so could they please not do it again? The member might feel it was something off-hand and insignificant, but you do have the right to politely request a respectful environment to interact in.

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When I went back into the voicechat channel I sent a whisper to one of the main members (who, incidentally was the one who'd made the comment) intending to tell him I would be backing out for the night (which I ended up not doing) and he apologized for what he said 'cos he knows I'm not the most sane person. They all make a lot of questionable comments, but they don't often bother me, and I wouldn't normally have completely flipped out if I wasn't already very much unstable. Of course, I wasn't expecting to flip out THAT far.

As for doctors... that's the last resort, where this to continue. I don't yet know if I'm okay or not, today, as something unrelated, and rather unimportant, is making me nervous anyway. Once I get said thing out of the way, today, I'll see how I feel this evening/tomorrow, before making an effort to do anything about it, if anything needs to be done.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

It's all about me...again.

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My apologies for having become less active over the last week. As usual, I'm having issues, and find it hard to help others. In fact, I posted about it on my blog, and one of the comments left was both worrisome and touching. That a friend would shed tears for me because they're concerned is...well, "nice" isn't the proper word, but it offers a degree of comfort, as it lets me know that someone cares deeply about little old me.

What must be understood is that I have a diagnosis of severe recurring depression. Thoughts of suicide are not uncommon. What makes me a success when dealing with this illness is a combination of medication and devoting willpower to not dwell on it. To move on to other thoughts or to find a distraction from those dreadful ideas is an accomplishment unto itself. But there are times when the symptoms are stronger than my will, and I succumb to a certain extent.

My success with this community has been my level of honesty. I rarely hold back anything, and posts like yesterday's entry on my blog are part of that. "I hate my life...almost every aspect of it. Yet I am still here, fighting the good fight, and one of my methods of continuing my private battles is to speak up in order to help draw some of the mental poison out." It is apparently terrifying to my friends when I make such posts, and yet the fact that I make them is actually a good sign. It means the problems are still up for discussion, and I'm still seeking solutions and/or help. Ironically, the bad sign would be when I stop complaining; that's when genuine concern should come into play.

So for the moment, despite my utter and complete misery, one might say that all is well. Yes, it's backwards...but if I was in such a crisis as to be in some kind of genuine danger, people would never hear about it. So when Bor is creating a "whine festival," it's a good thing.

[Gem Flower]

@Gem

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Unfortunately, that's a lot of descriptive and emotive text there. But, there isn't a whole lot I can say/ask except 'Why?', what is actually going on in your life to make you feel this way?

Why are you cutting? (I seriously don't understand the concept of self-harm myself, even at my most depressed {Suicidal}, the idea of doing small, non-lethal injuries to myself never made any sense. So, I really do want to know why you do it.)
What is this 'war' inside yourself?
Why do you shut out people you used to talk to?
Why do you loathe yourself?

More questions that I need answers to before I can give satisfactory advice (all of the following questions could be in relation to the above questions);
How old are you? Due to the nature of the internet, feel free to not answer that.
Who do you live with? How's home life in general?
Do you go to school, and if so, what level are you at? (The options of junior-year students are completely different to senior-year)
Do you have a job? Do you enjoy it?

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Usually, it's a punishment. I feel that I taint the world, and I deserve to suffer for it.
The "war" is the reasonable part of me that says that this won't do anything against the unreasonable part of my brain that rules over it with brute strength.
I live with my parents, home life is fine.
I go to school, not a senior-year.
I'm not old enough to have a job, so no.

[Calmness]

You deserve no punishment Gem Flower, why do you feel like that? Do people hate you, mistreat you? Has somebody made you feel worthless? You were happy once, i bet.

[Lufia]

Lufia:

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Wish I could help, but the fact that I'm posting on a forum at 2.50am rather than doing the work I sat down to do at 5pm yesterday evening, suggests that I share this problem. The best I can offer is: get the references first, and then disable the internet connection until you've finished the report.

Eh. I'm good enough that it doesn't affect my results too badly but I fear there's a time it will come bite me in the arse. I wonder if just being registered on an internet forum is an indicator that ones suffers from this affliction.

[Cheesegear]

Eh. I'm good enough that it doesn't affect my results too badly but I fear there's a time it will come bite me in the arse. I wonder if just being registered on an internet forum is an indicator that ones suffers from this affliction.

Hey, I've got chronic insomnia (I go to bed at say...3am, sleep, wake up, sleep, wake up, sleep, wake up until about 6am) and I usually go to bed very, very late and wake up early. Unlike most (?) people here who go to bed at say, 3, and wake up at mid-day. That's still a normal sleep pattern! If not a functional one
Hooray for Medical Education!

But, back on track; I've learned to 'work with' my insomnia. It's all about being useful. If you're staying up, do something productive - like study. I sleep usually less than four hours a night, every night, and I'm a GPA 6.5 (Distinctions-HighDs/-A+) doing BioMedical Science. I was doing Nursing Science, and doing...Less-well. But that's for totally different reasons.

I've gotten this way because I know about my condition. And in my situation, you can either adapt, or fall off the deep end. And the latter is what most people who don't get sleep do. But, I'm like that. If I can't fix what I have, then I try to make it as positive as I can.

EDIT: That last sentence is good advice for everyone in this thread.

And Mum is usually quite pleased when [random part of the house] is untidy...She wakes up, and it's clean! Hooray!

[Neko Toast]

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Usually, it's a punishment. I feel that I taint the world, and I deserve to suffer for it.
The "war" is the reasonable part of me that says that this won't do anything against the unreasonable part of my brain that rules over it with brute strength.
I live with my parents, home life is fine.
I go to school, not a senior-year.
I'm not old enough to have a job, so no.

The cause of your feelings doesn't seem like it's external at all. Though it doesn't necessarily apply to everyone, sometimes the cause of depression is an imbalance of chemicals in the brain. I would suggest talking to your doctor about what you've been going through. They'll likely send you to a therapist, and they should be able to help you out.

[Cheesegear]

For Bor - I'll get to you eventually

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That a friend would shed tears for me because they're concerned is...well, "nice" isn't the proper word, but it offers a degree of comfort, as it lets me know that someone cares deeply about little old me.

I'll help!
admirable, amiable, approved, attractive, becoming, charming, commendable, considerate, copacetic, cordial, courteous, decorous, delightful, ducky (?), fair, favorable, fine and dandy, friendly, genial, gentle, good, gracious, helpful, ingratiating, inviting, kind, kindly, lovely, nifty, obliging, okay, peachy, pleasant, pleasurable, polite, prepossessing, seemly, simpatico, superior, swell, unpresumptuous, welcome, well-mannered, winning, winsome.

The bolded ones are my favourites.

What must be understood is that I have a diagnosis of severe recurring depression. Thoughts of suicide are not uncommon. What makes me a success when dealing with this illness is a combination of medication and devoting willpower to not dwell on it. To move on to other thoughts or to find a distraction from those dreadful ideas is an accomplishment unto itself.

And this is one of the reasons why I read everything you write (even if I don't comment on your blog). Because, even though my circumstances aren't the same as yours, a lot of the feelings you write about (and your attempt to conquer them) mirror my own.

My success with this community has been my level of honesty. I rarely hold back anything, and posts like yesterday's entry on my blog are part of that. "I hate my life...almost every aspect of it. Yet I am still here, fighting the good fight, and one of my methods of continuing my private battles is to speak up in order to help draw some of the mental poison out." It is apparently terrifying to my friends when I make such posts, and yet the fact that I make them is actually a good sign. It means the problems are still up for discussion, and I'm still seeking solutions and/or help. Ironically, the bad sign would be when I stop complaining; that's when genuine concern should come into play.

Again. It's one of the reasons I read what you write. It was only last week that I told my friends the very same bolded statement. I am not going to tell my friends what I'm up to if and when I try to...'Off myself'. Since they'll only try to stop me. When I write my blog (which isn't for this place for reasons you'll see below) I ask my friends if they could please read it. It worries them, I know. But, I've had problems for a long, long time, and they've been my friends for almost as long. They know that talking 'in person' is a very difficult thing for me to do, and that 'cyberspace' is the only place I can do it.
My psychiatrist believes that this is unhealthy. What does he know? Well, roughly the same as what I already know

I got very upset when my previous girlfriend broke up with me because I wouldn't open up to her. Because I couldn't. Not with my voice anyway.
...And, I'm aware of the hypocrisy when I tell people in this thread to get offline and talk with real people. I guess my consolation to that, is that my blog is written for my friends who know me and who I will see the next day.

So when Bor is creating a "whine festival," it's a good thing.

I think I speak for most (if not all) of us when I say; Yes. We <3 Bor.

I look forward to the next Whine Tasting in the Bor Valley in the upcoming weeks.

[Bor the Barbarian Monk]

Cheesegear, I actually took a degree of comfort from your post. While it's impossble to know how I feel, it's nice to know that someone understands to their own extent how I feel. Thank you.