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  1. - Top - End - #211
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Bor the Barbarian Monk's Avatar

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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Okat, CG...Here's a post. Hope you're happy.

    I was going to end it there, but decided to fill you in a bit more. I just woke up, looked at my foot, poked at the red spot a bit to see if it was as bad as yesterday, and...well, I think I made it as bad as yesterday. Adding to this is the fact that I have a similar red spot on my left middle finger. The debate inside my head is whether or not to go to the emergency room. Are these emergency room worthy?

    This is the thing that always gets me. Every time I head for the ER, and it turns out to be nothing, I come away feeling like I've wasted a doctor's valuable time. While they were looking after me, a trauma patient was without a doctor watching over them. It's part of my mental illness, I guess, where logical thought is applied to come to the illogical conclusion that I'm less worthy of care. It's the kind of thing that usually makes me do very little, hoping the problem will go away.

    That said, I'm going to keep debating until the pain becomes unbearable, if it actually reaches that point. THAT'S when I'll head for the ER.

    Meanwhile, protect the foot as much as possible. Meanwhile, I will not only wrap the foot in the appropriate bandages to protect the diabetic ulcer on my left ankle, but wear my CAM walker as much as possible. If the problem is a broken, drifting osteophyte, (Warning: graphic picture is on that wiki link!), the boot will immobilize my foot enough to prevent further damage. Hopefully, this is just a painful irritation, and not something serious.

    And don't panic! I am NOT ignoring the problem. The fact is that I'm going to see a podiatrist on Monday, anyway. The appointment was made early yesterday, almost as though I was a personal prophet and saw some kind of medical problem coming at me. I will make that appointment if it means being schlepped there by ambulance, if necessary. Thge podiatrist is able to take x-rays in his office, so if there's a real problem inside, he'll be able to see it.

    That's where I stand at the moment. I will keep you posted, either here of on my regular blog.

    Oh...When people vanish, it's not always a bad thing. Sometimes it simply means they've been able to come to terms with their psych issues and no longer need our aid on this thread. It's human nature to forget to stop in and say, "By the way, I'm feeling much better now, and won't be back unless I need more help. Sometimes it's actually wiser not to post something like that, as revisiting their problems can reopen the old wounds. So stop being so negative! ("Yeah, Bor! Stop being so negative!" )

    I'm off to chat with my landlord, who is on property at this very moment.
    "Goodnight, Rosebud."

    Thanks to Lord Herman for the avatar!

    Those who wish access to my blog should reach out to me on FB.

  2. - Top - End - #212
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Bor the Barbarian Monk's Avatar

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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Relief at last!

    I'm not one to make a double-post, but hours have passed, so I believe I'm good on that count. This is also rather long for a mere "edit."

    Fellow Playgrounder and all around nice guy, Arguskos, has offered to try and work something out where he and a couple of people drive from Texas to pick up Nike, watch over her until my move to TN is complete, and then drive her to TN! This, my friends, is pure, unadulterated AWESOMENESS!

    Really...Nike's fate has been eating away at me, and I have had more than a few terrible thoughts as to what I should do. I mean, there was a thought that she would eventually be put down because no one wants to adopt a seven-year-old cat...everyone wants cute little kittens. So I was actually considering putting her down myself. And, trust me, a part of me would have died with her if I'd done something like that.

    Instead, I received a call from Arguskos this morning, having just sent him my phone number hours before, and he has agreed to try and work something out where he and a couple of other people drive all the way out here and take Nike home with them. Then, once I've schlepped myself out to TN, we will arrange for him to drive her to me. (My kitty and I will do much dancing once we are reunited, I'm sure. )

    Also on the list of awesomeness is that he will be able to take extra boxes of stuff home with him, such as books and DVDs, thereby saving me huge amounts of money in terms of shipping. All I'll need to do is fill my travel bags with what I I can definitely take with me, pack what little is left, and Arguskos will take it from there.

    Bonus: Once I'm at my brother's, he will be charging me less rent, thereby leaving more money in my pocket. When Nike and boxes are brought to me in TN, I will be able to pay pack some of what Arguskos will have to shell out for all he's doing.

    The only issue at hand is that he will have to wait until next month until he can even try to pull this off. As with many people, money is tight, so he can't simply have a last minute road trip to get my cat and stuff. I have very little left to my name for the rest of the month, and would love to toss money his way so we can get this done ASAP. And usually, the fact that I'm almost broke (again) would have me panicking and sinking into a deep depression (again). Instead, MY KITTY IS GOING TO BE SAVED, and thus I am a happy camper.

    I'm off to breathe many sighs of relief.
    "Goodnight, Rosebud."

    Thanks to Lord Herman for the avatar!

    Those who wish access to my blog should reach out to me on FB.

  3. - Top - End - #213
    Titan in the Playground
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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    I feel good. Reading about one's good deeds is always a pick-me-up. Still glad I could help at all Bor.

    I still need to talk to folks here, and set stuff up, but I should work something out soon. I'll keep you updated Bor.

  4. - Top - End - #214
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Griffon

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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Feeling just a little overwhelmed right now. I just got a call from my doctors office with results from my latest pap smear. There are apparently high grade abnormalities that need to be followed up on and they'd already booked me an appointment with a specialist when they'd called. Everything I read online just scares me - at the least this is serious pre-cancer that could lead to cancer. At the worst this is cancer.

    Normally I try not to get worked up about these things, and don't research because that does just freak you out, but the lady who called me mentioned several times "I'm sorry to be dropping this on you at work" which to me says kinda maybe serious. And that was possibly the longest run on sentence ever.

    At least I get to go home in 5 minutes.

  5. - Top - End - #215
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Bor the Barbarian Monk's Avatar

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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    thestarvingpoet: I'll start with your Internet search for information. Two problems exist, and they oppose one another. The first is that not all of the information you may need is there. Sometimes the "misinformation highway" has large gaps in the road. Unless you spend hours looking up EVERYTHING, there's a good chance you may have missed something.

    On the other side of the coin, there is too much information, and there is no filter on the web. You can easily find doom and gloom data on anything you type into a search engine. We humans tend to leap at the worst of it; a serious cough, when researched, is sure to be lung cancer and not just a bad cold.

    As for the person who called with the results...Well, some people are not always thinking about what they say, or how they say it. I heard a story when I was a teenager about some people who went to visit a young family member in the hospital. Mind you, the family member had a chronic, potentially terminal illness. When they got to the pediatric ward and asked where the sick family member was, an idiot nurse said these exact words: "Oh, she's no longer with us." The family immediately thought the sick person had died, when what the nurse SHOULD have saud was, "Oh, she's been sent home."

    Now, even IF this turns out to be a cancer issue, CANCER CAN BE CURED! The path to being considered cured can be long and arduous, but it is NOT necessarily a death sentence. I personally know TWO people who have been cured of some nasty versions of cancer. My ex had bone cancer, and unfortunately lost a leg to it. But she was cured. (That's an extreme.) Another friend, Lizzy, almost died the week before I met her. After a bone marrow transplant, she went on improving in her health, and is currently working on an acting/modeling career. Thus, cancer is not the death sentence it once was.

    Yes, you have a legitimate reason to be concerned...but until you've seen the specialist, try not to spell out your own doom. Okay? Try to find things to distract you until you get to see the doctor.

    Oh...as long as I'm here and trying to comfort you, have two *HUGS!* Use one now, and keep the other in your pocket for emergencies.
    "Goodnight, Rosebud."

    Thanks to Lord Herman for the avatar!

    Those who wish access to my blog should reach out to me on FB.

  6. - Top - End - #216
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    Dallas-Dakota's Avatar

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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    TheStaringPoet:
    Several weeks ago, my grandpa was diagnosed with the worst cancer one can have, apparently, and in the brains too! It was looking very bad. But in the last two weeks, he's been steadily getting better. And he's over 70!

    So even IF you have cancer, there's hope!
    Last edited by Dallas-Dakota; 2009-07-08 at 06:04 PM.
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    DD: .... DEM HIPS.
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    Why do I have the feeling that you actually really grind Smurfs to make your ice cream?
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    My wedding underwear has a picture of Dallas Dakota's face on them.
    Ceikatar!

  7. - Top - End - #217
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    Da King's Avatar

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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

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    For the past six months, I've been depressed on and off, and I just don't know why. Nothing seems to really matter to me. I just feel like I'm lost and I don't know what to do at all. None of my friends seem to care much at all about me either. I know that no matter where I go, I'm going to be laughed at and embarrassed, one of the few depressing constants in my life. Every action I take is an excuse to torment me based on the way I take it. Is there something about be so hilarious that my every move is a joke? I don't know what I did to deserve this. My best friend seems to be completely insensitive and unable to have any sort of empathy towards others whatsoever. He just seems like a mass of barbed insults, constantly trying to exert intellectual superiority over everyone. I have no idea why he does it, but every other sentence someone speaks will be "corrected" by him, for who-knows-what reason. The rest of my friends are mostly not friends at all, I don't enjoy their company or the way they act, or even like them that much. Why have acceptance in a group I don't even want to be a part of. And its impossible to talk to anyone about how I feel or any problems I have because they just DON'T CARE AT ALL. Everywhere I go it seems to be the same, with everyone having a capacity for cruelty towards me that seems suitable for the most heartless of villains. Why even bother to keep going with this crap? Each day is the same as the last, on and on and on. What's left anyway? I'm not. The only way I can enjoy myself is by immersing myself in a story or fantasy, with nothing real left that I can say I enjoy. There's no way out, there's no light in the darkness, only a constant stumbling on and on through life.


    So help me out if you can make ANY sense of the disorganized jumble of thoughts above. I know that I can't.

  8. - Top - End - #218
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Less of a depression post... more anxiety.

    My daughter has a surgical consultation on Friday fro her TMJ. Meds have not been helping, physical therapy has been unsuccessful, and we are now hoping that surgery will be a quick and positive remedy.

    Thoughts and well wishes (online or just as the thoughts arise) will be greatly appreciated. We'll know more after the weekend.
    Unofficial Brew-Meister in the playground. Just ask!


  9. - Top - End - #219
    Ogre in the Playground
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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    I'm still around. I just haven't really been feeling sociable lately. Sorry about that.

  10. - Top - End - #220
    Firbolg in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    It's okay. It's much better than the alternative.
    ~Inner Circle~
    Quote Originally Posted by Raz_Fox View Post
    He takes normality and reason and turns them UP TO 11!
    Quote Originally Posted by Anarion View Post
    Recaiden, stop using your mastery of the English language to confuse the issue.
    Echidna by Serpentine

  11. - Top - End - #221
    Retired Mod in the Playground Retired Moderator
     
    Zeb The Troll's Avatar

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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Quote Originally Posted by smellie_hippie View Post
    Less of a depression post... more anxiety.

    My daughter has a surgical consultation on Friday fro her TMJ. Meds have not been helping, physical therapy has been unsuccessful, and we are now hoping that surgery will be a quick and positive remedy.

    Thoughts and well wishes (online or just as the thoughts arise) will be greatly appreciated. We'll know more after the weekend.
    That's decidedly uncool. I was fortunate that my daughter's hospital visits were routine. She needed stitches in her head once when she was about 6. She had tubes put in her ears. She had her tonsils removed. Of course none of these are without risk and I was still anxious, it's the least anxious I could possibly have been in a hospital with my kiddo.

    Here's the good news, as I read it, though. According to the Mayo Clinic website, the procedures for surgically treating TMJ don't appear to hold much more risk than that tonsilectomy that Bele needed. They exist and need to be considered, but they shouldn't be cause for excessive concern.

    So, here's hoping for a) a successful, minimally invasive procedure that b) fixes the problem for good.

    Following Bor's example, here's a patented *HUG PACK* which includes...
    * An "it'll be okay" hug for Hello Fishy - full of well wishes for successful treatment
    * A "get well soon" hug for Hello Fishy should the consult conclude that surgery is necessary - to be used after surgery - full of 120% of the RDA of healing thoughts
    * A "group hug" for you, Moutain Faerie, DJ Sound Ghost, and Hello Fishy - is large enough for the whole family and reusable as needed - full of faith that all will turn out well - use in times of anxiety

    As an added bonus, since you're a friend of the family, this *HUG PACK* is renewable as needed for no additional cost.
    Want to meet some of the most awesome people on the internet? Come to the Baltimore/DC Area RenFest Meetup 2012!

  12. - Top - End - #222
    Retired Mod in the Playground Retired Moderator
     
    Alarra's Avatar

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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Good luck! Surgery and hospital visits are scary no matter how easy a procedure it may be. *hugs to all and lots of wishes and hope that all goes well and is easily fixed*

    I was outzombied by the baby!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Amotis View Post
    Alarra ate all my awesome and now she's always acknowledged as awe-inspiring awesome. Alliteration aside, Alarra is awesome.

  13. - Top - End - #223
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Bor the Barbarian Monk's Avatar

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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Da King: My guess would be that you're hanging on to your current friends out a fear of loneliness, despite the fact that, even when you're with them, you feel lonely. Your best friend sounds like no friend at all. And since none of them seem willing to communicate long enough to discuss how you feel, prehaps the time has come to stop trying. Who knows? Maybe when you stop calling or making an effort to hang out, they'll turn into human beings and ask after you...but don't count on it.

    You enjoy stories and fantasies, eh? Well, I'm not sure of your age, but there are multiple solutions to finding friends with similar interests. The most universal is probably your local library, which usually has various groups you can join. I was insane with loneliness in NY when I lived in a boarding house, so I joined a writing group at my local library and had an absolute blast. Go and ask one of the librarians what kind of programs are run there, and then try to join them.

    If you are in school or college, finding friends is as easy as hanging out in popular gathering places for your kind of group and simply saying "hi." I believe I met one group of friends when they were talking about playing AD&D, and I turned to them and asked, "You guys play D&D?" We were off to the races in terms of conversation, and I soon had new things to do on the weekends.

    There was a time, after a particularly messy breakup with a girlfriend, when I lost about every friend I had. I'd gone a little nuts and became very abusive, so they simply walked away. Once I got my head back together, I found myself in a donut shop one evening, enjoying a cup of coffee, when a small group that was debating something dragged me into their conversation. I soon found another group of people to hang out with, and they were there every night. In fact, they were the ones who eventually inspired a screenplay I wrote years later entitle, Anyone Can. (I actually used the aspects of our real life conversation as the opening of the script!)

    You are not happy with where you are in life, and so it falls to you to change where you are. It's kind of what I'm doing, although my situation is a tad more dire in that people are becoming aware that I cannot be so alone anymore; I need to be near family. The bonus is that I happen to have friends in the area I'm moving to, and so I will be even less alone.

    So, young warrior prince...go forth, and conquer new lands, and perhap one day you truly will be "da king."

    bluewind95: It's good to hear from you, sweetie. Please, please, please feel free to come and complain or what have you...because when you're posting and venting your woes, at least we know where you are.

    smellie_hippie: Surgery for TMJ, you say? Well, the best part of this bad situation is that young folk recover must better from surgery than us "old" folk. When I was 18, and again when I was 20, I had surgery on my left knee. My recovery was almost a non-event. A month after both surgeries, I was up and about without a second thought, and years later my knees merely do some extra popping, none of which is painful. But now...? Surgery is my second to last answer for anything, with the very last being "dangerous" medications. That's because surgery is a longer recovery for me, and I don't heal as well as I did when I was a youth. (Have you people forgotten the adventures that followed the multiple nerve decompression of my right leg? G-d, what a nightmare!)

    Now, because this is happening around her face, there may be more of a fear of scarring than the actual surgery. (Funny what the mind finds important, isn't it?) Ask about scarring and whether a plastic surgeon will be involved at any point. Just knowing the event will not leave many physical scars will be a relief for all, especially the young patient who, I'm sure, is concerned about her looks.

    Zeb: Oh, sure. Take my idea and expand upon it, thereby making me look bad. Now I have to hate you for...Oh, I'm gonna say five minutes.
    "Goodnight, Rosebud."

    Thanks to Lord Herman for the avatar!

    Those who wish access to my blog should reach out to me on FB.

  14. - Top - End - #224
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    Dallas-Dakota's Avatar

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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Quote Originally Posted by bluewind95 View Post
    I'm still around. I just haven't really been feeling sociable lately. Sorry about that.
    This, very much.
    Also I don't like posting when I'm really just standing there, not knowing what advice I could give you.

    Me: Thenks to the amazing Bor and the lovely Rabbit(love you both) I'm feeling better now. There still is some depression in there, but that's just my mind thinking bad thoughts. Bad mind!

    Smellie, I'l echo Zeb here and give you a whole lot of *HUG*, my best wishes, fingers crossed and hope that it all goes well, if not perfectly.
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    DD: .... DEM HIPS.
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    Why do I have the feeling that you actually really grind Smurfs to make your ice cream?
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    My wedding underwear has a picture of Dallas Dakota's face on them.
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  15. - Top - End - #225
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    loopy's Avatar

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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Well DD, although there are a bunch of us who aren't quite as famous, well known, intelligent or wise* as RabbitHoleLost, Zeb and Bor, we all wish you the best as well, and don't want you to come to any harm.

    If you need anything from us on the boards, just let us know.
    Signed by
    loopy, your humble servant
    and the rest of the omnomymous masses.

    * I was soooo tempted to write "or as important as", but I resisted, because self-pity is bad, woo!
    Quote Originally Posted by Coidzor View Post
    Everyone loves loopy. It's true.
    My blog, if you are interested in my rambling.
    Avatar by Sneak. Praise be!

  16. - Top - End - #226
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    Griffon

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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Thanks Bor and DD. When I look at things logically and rationally I completely agree with you (which is why I try to steer clear of the internet fear mongeringresearch). *If* it is cancer, it's been caught early, cancer is treatable, I think it's a relatively minor form of cancer. I've always expected I would get cancer with my family history. I'm young (relatively) so I stand a much better chance of defeating anything on my own.

    However yesterday my rational mind decided to take a vacation and the AAAUGH just came marching right in. So thanks again to the both of you for being my rational side until it decided to come back from Barbados. (or wherever it went)

    *hugs right back*

  17. - Top - End - #227
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Thanks for the advice. I have a lot of trouble meeting and socializing with people, but hopefully I can find someone out there. I just can't take the abuse anymore, and I need to move on.

  18. - Top - End - #228
    Ogre in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    So I had a 44 minute conversation with a Suicide Hotline thing I was referred too. It helped, though they made me promise to go see my GP about it and get referred to a local counsellor.

    Sounds fun.
    Quote Originally Posted by Coidzor View Post
    Everyone loves loopy. It's true.
    My blog, if you are interested in my rambling.
    Avatar by Sneak. Praise be!

  19. - Top - End - #229
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Bor the Barbarian Monk's Avatar

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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Quote Originally Posted by loopy View Post
    So I had a 44 minute conversation with a Suicide Hotline thing I was referred too. It helped, though they made me promise to go see my GP about it and get referred to a local counsellor.

    Sounds fun.
    Let's face facts, Loopy...SOME help is better than no help whatsoever. But only you know how bad off you are, and if you KNOW you're going to have issues getting things done, talk to a close friend or family member and ask them to help you get to your GP and to the counsellor.

    Also, between now and the time when you can get in to see your doctor, keep that crisis line phone numer on hand. If you find your emotions crashing again, you'll be able to call without having to find the number all over again.

    Push comes to shove, and you're in such bad shape that you don't think a crisis line will help, walk into a hospital emergency room and tell them that you are suicidal. You should get immediate aid.

    Da King: Just an advanced warning...You may end up missing your friends' idiocy for a while. Trying to rebuild your social life from scratch is never easy. Still, I personally think it's for the better.

    One way to meet people easily enough is to set up a Chess board at a cafe, turn the white pieces toward you, make an opening move, then sit back and read a book. Sooner or later, a total stranger is bound to come along and ask if you want to play a few rounds.

    I've mentioned this tactic before, and one Playgrounder did this, but at a pub. She actually brought a few other games with her, and soon found plenty of people willing to hang out play games. The game, whatever it may be, becomes the perfect ice breaker.

    Give it a shot, and you're sure to end up with new faces in your life...and some may even become friends.

    About me: Well, whatever is going on with my foot will now officially wait until Monday, barring any severe developments over the weekend. So while I feared a crisis, it is delayed until I see a doctor after the weekend.
    "Goodnight, Rosebud."

    Thanks to Lord Herman for the avatar!

    Those who wish access to my blog should reach out to me on FB.

  20. - Top - End - #230
    Ogre in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Quote Originally Posted by Bor the Barbarian Monk View Post
    One way to meet people easily enough is to set up a Chess board at a cafe, turn the white pieces toward you, make an opening move, then sit back and read a book. Sooner or later, a total stranger is bound to come along and ask if you want to play a few rounds.

    I've mentioned this tactic before, and one Playgrounder did this, but at a pub. She actually brought a few other games with her, and soon found plenty of people willing to hang out play games. The game, whatever it may be, becomes the perfect ice breaker.
    That is amazing. I'm so doing that.
    Quote Originally Posted by Coidzor View Post
    Everyone loves loopy. It's true.
    My blog, if you are interested in my rambling.
    Avatar by Sneak. Praise be!

  21. - Top - End - #231
    Ettin in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    OK. So. As you may be aware, I am taking a year off before college. As you may be aware, I have accomplished virtually nothing, have atrophied mentally, physically, and morally, blah blah blah self-hatred apathy.

    At this point, though, I feel that things are coming to a head. Both of my parents were out of town today. Without the noise of people coming in to bother me, I woke up at 2 PM and literally sat at my computer without interruption from 3:30 PM to 4:30 AM. I thought that being left alone would make me get motivated and actually start getting something done, but I just got worse. And then, when I finally tried to go to sleep, I couldn't at all. My heart was racing.

    I can't go on like this. I like following orders and am not at all self-motivated; that's why this year has been so bad for me, because the point of a year off is that you have to decide what to do for yourself and there's nothing that I want to do for myself. Including, apparently, basic self-maintenance. It wasn't until today that I realized I've ceased to care to the point that I'm willing to forgo hygiene and starve myself when there's no one around to be worried about it and tell me to take care of myself.

    So I need to make myself self-motivated. I need to work, and work hard, because working is the only thing I really enjoy doing and the only thing I should be doing - and the only thing I'm not doing.

    I can't remember the last time I went outside, talked to someone outside my immediate family, had an actual conversation, etc. And I need to get back into the habit of being a functional human being, because not having to deal with basic facts of normal life like having to talk to people is what's made me so adrift and apathetic.

    So, can someone give me advice on how to be a normal, functional human being? Seriously, I'm asking for a list of behaviors here. Going outside, eating three meals a day, taking showers, etc. Once I get back into a normal routine I'll be able to get stuff down, but at the moment I don't even remember what having a routine was like. Give me a list of things I can do to get on a schedule, make myself care about doing the work I need to get done, and generally be sane.
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  22. - Top - End - #232
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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    1. Shower every morning, this will:
    A Wake you up.
    B Make you more pleasant to be in the company of, considering you smell and look better.
    C Some other stuff
    2. Eat breakfast, this will:
    Give you energy to start your day,
    Give you time to perhaps be social with your family, perhaps ask them for some tips?
    3 Cycle or walk around town, focus on malls, shops and supermarkets, this will give you:
    A Excercise, which will make you feel better, improve your condition. I'm not saying look better, because exercise is no wondermiracle that will give you epic charisma in a instant.
    B Look around for posters or such on shops saying they need people, walk in and check for more. Or check their website and call them when you get home.( Don't go home for that alone).
    C Give you fresh air.

    Don't forget to shave and put up deoderant before you do 3.

    This is what I could think and type up quickly, I'l be back with more. And I'm sure that other playgrounders have lots of advice.

    If you make a thread about exercise, I'm sure a lot of playgrounders will help. Or if you want to PM somebody, I know that Crow will most likely help you.

    Good luck, and I'l be back soon to read and post more.
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  23. - Top - End - #233
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    NecromancerGuy

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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    I definitely agree with DD. Having some kind of morning routine helps a lot, especially once you get used to it and really can enjoy it.

    Especially if it increases your hygiene and health.

    One thing you can do is set various alarms to remind yourself of the schedule you're setting for yourself.

    Like, an alarm at 8 or 9 o'clock to turn the computer off for the night and do your hygiene regimen for bedtime. Brushing your teeth, washing your face, changing into whatever you wear to sleep.

    Then do some light reading, possibly of books that'll help you get thinking about things more academic, depending upon your preferences for reading and that sort of thing.

    Hmm... So you're currently looking at enrolling in university/community college come this fall?

    One thing that can help is for you to start doing some math problems every day, even if you don't have to ever take a math class again due to having earned college credit for it. Since doing math helps focus and keep the brain in tune.

    Like, say,
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    1. Wake up with alarm, around 8 AM. (I'd say 7-9ish, preferably just 8 or a little before 8)

    2. Brush your teeth, shower, clean up. (let's just say 8:15-8:20 after this.)

    3. Fix or eat breakfast, depending upon the rest of your family's schedule you could additionally beef up your cooking skills by making breakfast for them if you wake up in time. (could put this before showering but after brushing teeth) (let's say, 8:30ish now)

    3. Get dressed to go outside for an hour-long walk to start with, moving up later to jogging or biking. If you have a dog this is easier since you just add walking the dog every morning to the chores you do to help the others in the house stand your presence better. If you have pool access and can swim, I'd recommend swimming laps instead after you get used to the exercise of walking and sunlight again. (eventually as you get more fit, you might increase this to 90 minutes or two hours. And you might start out with just a half hour of such aerobic exercise.) (9:00-10 after a thirty minute bit. 9:30-40 after an hour, 10:30-40 after two hours.)

    4. Chores - Find out what kind of chores youcan do for the day, like doing the breakfast dishes while your parents leave the house to work so that there's no dirty dishes when they get home. Or weeding the garden if you can learn how. Or just vacuuming every day in a different part of the house. (about an hour or two, can break this up around your other activities as a transition. Several chores also provide a workout as well, such as dusting.) (10:30-40 after intial hour-long workout)

    5. Academic/Mental workout - If you have any of your old textbooks, start reviewing them. If you don't, then get to the library and try to pick up some books to get you back in the swing of things for college. Your librarian should be able to help you out with that. If the library can't really help, then some used bookstores might have some slightly out of date college textbooks which are available relatively cheaply and contain mostly correct information, due to the way that college textbooks rotate. (let's say an hour to two hours of studying.) (11:30-40, break for lunch)

    6. Lunch.

    7. Physical workout - in addition to just the base fitness of walking, hiking, jogging, swimming, or biking, specific stretches and exercises can really help you feel better about yourself, look better, become stronger, and help fitness in general. (30 minutes to an hour would be good, especially since you already have had aerobic exercise and have recovered from it.) Spend time so that you have digested first though. (let's say about 1:30 start. so ending about 2:00-2:30)

    7. Reward yourself - allow yourself to finally get online for a little while or play some video games for an hour or two (depending upon how long you budget your time) (3:00pm to 4:00pm)

    8. Dinner. Depending upon when your parents get home, you could even start learning to make dinner for them to have it waiting for them and allow you to get some valuable skills. Cookbooks and websites with recipes help greatly for this. (can start at around 4 or 5 depending upon when everyone gets home and what you're making)

    9. Open time. Just do whatever. Leave yourself free to go shopping with whoever usually does it. spend time interacting with your family and finding out how they are doing. Go back online. Whatever. I think it's important to have some free time in the day.

    10. Evening ritual 9:00 pm, turn off the computer, stop playing video games, stop watching TV.

    11. 10:30 bedtime, when one gets into bed. 11:00 lights out.


    This of course, would be a normal day, whereas other days would include more time for going out and socializing/visiting places/doing things.
    Last edited by Coidzor; 2009-07-11 at 07:16 AM.
    Quote Originally Posted by Keld Denar View Post
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  24. - Top - End - #234
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    Thanatos 51-50's Avatar

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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Since you're likely notworried about an assassian or whatnot, having a routine really helps with stress relief.
    I hate to seem like I'm trying to recruit, here, but have you considered martial service (Police force and/or military)? It would probably help with a drive to self-motivate (It sure as Hell instilled one in me), and you can consider that hygenie, eat well, stay healthy in general stuff a standing order.

    Boot Camp will, sure as the sun will rise, increase your capacity for social skills and empathy. Nothing instills a sense of comradrie better than sleeping withing a hundred yards or so of eighty other men, sharing all your meals, hygene-ing with 'im, using the same tiny bathroom head.

    /recruting shpiel

    As for a list of behavious of a functioning human:
    Inhalation
    Exhalation
    A functioning heart
    Contraction and expansion of muscles streached over a skeltal framework
    firing synapses.

    Seriously, you've indicated that you know what makes you happy in your post, get on the horse, grab the lance and barrel down on it.
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  25. - Top - End - #235
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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Really...You folks amaze me. Most astonishing is when you come here and unload your issues, seem to be in a very bad way, and then respond to someone else, helping them out of their own problems.

    You may not know this, but you are helping yourselves in the process, and giving a different perspective on "how bad you really are" in terms of your emotional/psychological issues. Here's how it starts to look (to me, anyway) when you all start going through your post routines:

    "Dear Depression Thread...I am miserable. I hate my life. I have everything about my life. I hate my friends. I hate my family. I hate myself most of all. The end is nigh. See you on the other side...except...Oh, wait! Someone else is in trouble! Well, I've been through something like that, and I got through it by doing what some might think is the strangest thing. But it was fun/good for me, and here's what I did! (Insert perfectly logical idea that probably never occurred to the other person that posted.) And now that that's taken care of...I am miserable. I hate my life. I have everything about my life. I hate my friends. I hate my family. I hate myself most of all. The end is nigh. See you on the other side..."

    Yes, even I am guilty of this. But the wonderful thing is that we care, and we still hang onto hope, if not for ourselves, then for others. As long as there's hope and caring, you may believe you're in bad shape, but you're not. You're actually doing as well as possible under what is likely poor circumstances.

    As to Thanatos 51-50's suggestion to SurlySeraph, my directionless, motivationless life brought me to a United States Army recruiter when I was 18. (I actually wanted to join the marine corps, like my father, but the army was closest.) I asked if there was some way an 18-year-old diabetic could join the armed forced and gain some desperately needed dicipline. Alas, diabetes made me 4F in the questionaire.

    Still, it's not a bad idea, and the military has programs that will pay for future education, as well as give you practical experience in a variety of fields. While Thanatos acts like it's a commercial, ("Travel the world...meet interesting people...and kill them!" ), it's not a bad idea at all.

    Back to my initial message...you folks are awesome. Even in your worst moments, you're trying to do, when you believe you can do it. So while you may feel like losers in the interum, you are truly awesome.
    "Goodnight, Rosebud."

    Thanks to Lord Herman for the avatar!

    Those who wish access to my blog should reach out to me on FB.

  26. - Top - End - #236
    Ettin in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Quote Originally Posted by Bor the Barbarian Monk View Post
    Still, it's not a bad idea, and the military has programs that will pay for future education, as well as give you practical experience in a variety of fields. While Thanatos acts like it's a commercial, ("Travel the world...meet interesting people...and kill them!" ), it's not a bad idea at all.
    Yeah, there really are alot of good, educational oppertunities in at least the US military. There's an entire college on base here and I could sign up for any one of the classes they offer, and, assuming I pass them, not have to pay a cent.
    To top that off, I have a fair number of college credits from just R-School (Boot Camp), A-School (AGA-school), and the hghest rate/rank I have acquired (AG3/PO3), including a number of hours in Public speaking, personal and communal health, meterology, oceanography and Aircraft maintenance.

    Some technically-heavy or more 'scientific' rates (AGs, Nukes) have told me that, after a certain point, with only the credits from their carrers, all they have to do is take a few masic math courses for their Associate's.

    I figured that was all stuff the recruiter was going to tell you, anyway. >.>

    To be perfectly fair, I've had some bad experiances with military bearucracy, but my case is somewhat unique (In that I am and always will be a poor white trash good-for-nothing). Most people have a considerably better time with Martial Services than I do.
    Dammit Bor, I'm not being paid to recruit!

    Anyway - speaking to a recruiter in and of itself carries no obligation to join up or even do anything else provided you don't sign the dotted line and it is a path to investigate, if that lifestyle interests you.
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    Personally, I suggest the Navy, but I'm slightly biased
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  27. - Top - End - #237
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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Hello. My name is Yuuki, and I'm a depression-aholic.

    For the past 5 years or possibly longer, I believe that I have been depressed, with fluctuating severity. There have been many incidents where I have considered ending it, but I was talked out of it by several different people who took notice at the time. However, I believe this has just lead to me learning new ways to try and hide it better.

    I think I have been stuck in a rut for the past few years. I have made some attempts to break out of it, but it seems that I run into the worst possible people one can find, and they shove me back into it.

    I have the classic sob story background, I feel, and I usually don't disclose it because it feels cliched, uninspired, and ultimately, not worthy of telling anyone because it feels like a waste of time.

    So yeah, I was one of those kids who was always bullied because they were different. I think from the age of about 9 onwards, I was picked on because I liked reading, and would frequently read my dads 600 page fantasy novels, because they were quite frankly fascinating. I only had a couple of close friends, and I've lost touch with them now unfortunatly.

    My nickname at primary school was Bookworm, and it has stuck. Even now, I sometimes see the parents of children I went to primary school with, and that is who they recognise me as. The Bookworm.

    High School... really not much different. I Was, and still am, one of those nerdy/geeky types. I make no excuses for that, I am what I am. But still, people seem to automatically judge you as being less worthy unless you're a sporty, jock type. I was the outcast of my peer group. Everyone else belongs, but I was always the sore thumb, the one who stuck out. I made friends with people a year or 2 younger than me with the same interests, but at heart, I still wanted to be accepted by my peers.

    I've never really developed good social skills. I'm a wall flower, though I don't actually get invited to parties. I don't drink, or smoke or do drugs. I am the stereotypical uncool nerdy kid. I think I went to all of 2 social gatherings in my entire time at high school. The year 11 Central Australian camp, and the year 12 Social (which I highly regretted going to, because if anything it just emphasised how much of an outcast I was)

    After I graduated, things didn't really pick up either. I was in a computer course, but I dropped out of that because they were teaching me things that I already learnt in high school. I ended up bumming around for 6 months with no job and no motivation, until I got an apprenticeship as a pastrychef.

    Cue one of the worst years of my life. My boss was a physically and verbally abusive bitch, to put it lightly. I endured it for a year, because my parents were always saying "Just stick it out, it will be worth it in the end."

    I snapped after a year, and walked out, never to return again. But alas, I couldn't motivate myself after that, because I was afraid they were all like that. It just felt too hard.

    A family friend in that same line of work offered me a job. She was a great boss, and for a year or so, I was actually pretty happy. I mean, I made 1 or 2 really stupid mistakes that nearly lost me it, but I didn't lose it. In the end, I got let go because she couldn't afford to pay me anymore. No regrets or anything.

    After that, I felt motivated for the first time in my life. I went out and found another job, not baking or anything, but working in a big cafe. I really enjoyed that job too, but after a couple months, I got let go because they didn't need me anymore.

    Now, about the same time the family friend had offered me the job, I became romantically involved with someone for the first time. It was a rather up and down relationship, finally culminating in her leaving me right before Christmas 2008 because she couldn't do it anymore. Her work, uni and abusive mother were all more important than I was. However, she wanted nothing to change except for that fact that we weren't BF/GF. This turned out to be another of my big mistakes.

    You see, in April of this year, she finally pushed me over the edge with her emotional abuse and shallow comments, so I told her to leave me alone. She did that for all of one day, and then decided to harass me so that I would talked to her. Her best weapon? Telling me that she was pregnant with my child.

    That... seriously ****ed me up. I've always wanted kids, and she was trying to use it as a weapon against me. I asked for proof of the pregnancy. She sent it to my brother, and turned him against me. My own brother was on that bitches side, not mine. I was family. Talk about loyalty. She also threatened to tell my mother as well, and I told her to do it, but she didn't.

    In the end, she told me that she got an abortion. I was pretty torn up by this time, as you can imagine. But then it turns out that she was lying.

    Lying about the whole thing in an effort to get me back.


    So suffice to say, things have been pretty bad since then. I've been through stages of missing her, hating her, then missing her and hating her at the same time. I can't forget her and what she did. She just haunts me, even now.

    And now? I am a pretty emotionally battered, untrusting, unforgiving sort of person, thanks to what has happened. Maybe I could have avoided it by being a stronger person? Maybe I could have. But I'm the kind of person who want's to give people what they want =( I want other people to be happy, but I neglect my own happiness in doing so.

    TLDR: I'm depressed, somewhat suicidal, and afraid of people in general. Go me.
    Witness my glory and know that when my darkness fades, if you yet live, it is because an ally does not.

    AN EMPTY SPOT WITHIN MY CRAW CRAVES YOUR FLESH, YOUR BONES BLED RAW!
    YOUR FEAR! YOUR FEAR! SO SWEET! SO STRONG! TO TEASE MY TONGUE, YOUR LIVES ARE GONE!
    YOUR ODDS UNFAVORED, MY WEB TOO STRONG! SPEED WON'T NEGATE A LINE STEPPED WRONG!
    YOU DARE? DARE SMITE THIS AWESOME BEAST? YOUR FATES ARE SEALED AS MY NEXT FEAST!
    HEED THIS BECK AND HEAR THIS CALL! FIGHT ME STILL, YOUR WILLS SHALL FALL!

  28. - Top - End - #238
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    Thanatos 51-50's Avatar

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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Okay, Yuki, I was putting off answering here and hoping someone more competant than me would tackle this post, but it seems like you get me.
    Let's try and tackle this Issue-by-issue.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yuuki_Jaggar View Post
    Hello. My name is Yuuki, and I'm a depression-aholic.
    Hi, Yuki!

    Quote Originally Posted by Yuuki_Jaggar View Post
    For the past 5 years or possibly longer, I believe that I have been depressed, with fluctuating severity. There have been many incidents where I have considered ending it, but I was talked out of it by several different people who took notice at the time. However, I believe this has just lead to me learning new ways to try and hide it better.
    To inadventantly continue to AA similie, admitting you have a probelm is a good first step.
    What this example provides evidence of, to me, is people near you noticing and caring. This is an important and good thing. A support network is always good, and as such, you should not attempt to hide things from them. These are people, in your life, who have showed that they care about you, and will go out of their way to help you. Those are among the best types of friends you can have in this multiverese. Don't shun them.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yuuki_Jaggar View Post
    I think I have been stuck in a rut for the past few years. I have made some attempts to break out of it, but it seems that I run into the worst possible people one can find, and they shove me back into it.
    Unfortunatly, I have no advice here. The "work/sleep" routine is a common issue lots of us (including myself) have.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yuuki_Jaggar View Post
    I have the classic sob story background, I feel, and I usually don't disclose it because it feels cliched, uninspired, and ultimately, not worthy of telling anyone because it feels like a waste of time.

    So yeah, I was one of those kids who was always bullied because they were different. I think from the age of about 9 onwards, I was picked on because I liked reading, and would frequently read my dads 600 page fantasy novels, because they were quite frankly fascinating. I only had a couple of close friends, and I've lost touch with them now unfortunatly.

    My nickname at primary school was Bookworm, and it has stuck. Even now, I sometimes see the parents of children I went to primary school with, and that is who they recognise me as. The Bookworm.

    High School... really not much different. I Was, and still am, one of those nerdy/geeky types. I make no excuses for that, I am what I am. But still, people seem to automatically judge you as being less worthy unless you're a sporty, jock type. I was the outcast of my peer group. Everyone else belongs, but I was always the sore thumb, the one who stuck out. I made friends with people a year or 2 younger than me with the same interests, but at heart, I still wanted to be accepted by my peers.

    I've never really developed good social skills. I'm a wall flower, though I don't actually get invited to parties. I don't drink, or smoke or do drugs. I am the stereotypical uncool nerdy kid. I think I went to all of 2 social gatherings in my entire time at high school. The year 11 Central Australian camp, and the year 12 Social (which I highly regretted going to, because if anything it just emphasised how much of an outcast I was)
    Well, Yuki, I'm going to allow you to take all the Knowledge Skills, and maybe some...
    Oh, wait. This isn't a character you're making, it's you. While you do have some say-so, you're not the author of your backstory, my friend. Don't be afraid to disclose it for the (real or imagined) cliches contained therein.
    More than that, I understand where you're coming from.
    Yes, lil' Yuki, I, too, am an outcast reading person who got teased growing up. I made friends with people who did the same thing. But hey, the most important thing about a backstory is that it's just that. Back. Over there. You can leave it behind.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yuuki_Jaggar View Post
    After I graduated, things didn't really pick up either. I was in a computer course, but I dropped out of that because they were teaching me things that I already learnt in high school. I ended up bumming around for 6 months with no job and no motivation, until I got an apprenticeship as a pastrychef.
    I understand being bored for being taught things you already knew, but having a fancy certificate saying you know these things is pretty important, too.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yuuki_Jaggar View Post
    Cue one of the worst years of my life. My boss was a physically and verbally abusive bitch, to put it lightly. I endured it for a year, because my parents were always saying "Just stick it out, it will be worth it in the end."

    I snapped after a year, and walked out, never to return again. But alas, I couldn't motivate myself after that, because I was afraid they were all like that. It just felt too hard.

    A family friend in that same line of work offered me a job. She was a great boss, and for a year or so, I was actually pretty happy. I mean, I made 1 or 2 really stupid mistakes that nearly lost me it, but I didn't lose it. In the end, I got let go because she couldn't afford to pay me anymore. No regrets or anything.
    Ouch. If we were still at this point in your life, I'd reccomend legal action against the abusive boss. Good to hear a friend helped you back on your feet. This is the important support network I reffered to earlier.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yuuki_Jaggar View Post
    After that, I felt motivated for the first time in my life. I went out and found another job, not baking or anything, but working in a big cafe. I really enjoyed that job too, but after a couple months, I got let go because they didn't need me anymore.
    Motivation is good. Hold on to that. It's helpful. You'll need it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yuuki_Jaggar View Post
    Now, about the same time the family friend had offered me the job, I became romantically involved with someone for the first time. It was a rather up and down relationship, finally culminating in her leaving me right before Christmas 2008 because she couldn't do it anymore. Her work, uni and abusive mother were all more important than I was. However, she wanted nothing to change except for that fact that we weren't BF/GF. This turned out to be another of my big mistakes.

    You see, in April of this year, she finally pushed me over the edge with her emotional abuse and shallow comments, so I told her to leave me alone. She did that for all of one day, and then decided to harass me so that I would talked to her. Her best weapon? Telling me that she was pregnant with my child.

    That... seriously ****ed me up. I've always wanted kids, and she was trying to use it as a weapon against me. I asked for proof of the pregnancy. She sent it to my brother, and turned him against me. My own brother was on that bitches side, not mine. I was family. Talk about loyalty. She also threatened to tell my mother as well, and I told her to do it, but she didn't.

    In the end, she told me that she got an abortion. I was pretty torn up by this time, as you can imagine. But then it turns out that she was lying.

    Lying about the whole thing in an effort to get me back.
    We, in the business, relate people with that type of interpersonal communication style to female canines. To be honest, not giving you proof of the pregnancy probably should have been a first clue. I'd have gone to sit by her side when ultrasound time came.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yuuki_Jaggar View Post
    So suffice to say, things have been pretty bad since then. I've been through stages of missing her, hating her, then missing her and hating her at the same time. I can't forget her and what she did. She just haunts me, even now.
    This is normal, if emotionally confusing. You'll settle over to the 'hate' or 'dislike' side eventually. Just remember that it was not a good relationship, and she was not a good person (as evidence you've presented here suggested). There were probably good times, as evidenced by your missing of these good times, but the bad seem to have come to the forefront in your post here. I, personally, would suggest, again, going out and meeting people, hooking up with someone else, whatever. Expanding your social circle allows you to amputate the cancers in your old one.

    Quote Originally Posted by Yuuki_Jaggar View Post
    And now? I am a pretty emotionally battered, untrusting, unforgiving sort of person, thanks to what has happened. Maybe I could have avoided it by being a stronger person? Maybe I could have. But I'm the kind of person who want's to give people what they want =( I want other people to be happy, but I neglect my own happiness in doing so.
    A strong person doesn't become strong by gritting his teeth and flexing his willpower, he becomes strong by applying force against resitance reptitivly.
    No matter how hard he wills it, he will not lay down and bench 300 pounds on his first trip to the gym.
    You're more cynical now, but you have alsoa pplied force against resitance and have become a stronger person. I understand the whole "living for others before onesef" mentality, and as soon as I find a way to get myself out of it, I'll let you know.
    Giving of oneself, helping others, none of these are sins, none of these are bad. And, despite what my livjournal may suggest (the theory that good people don't actually exist) , you seem like you're a good person. A good, strong, person, who has been taken advantage of a few times. Guess what? you know some of the signs, now, and in the future, you can circumvent or otherwise avoid those leeches.

    My PMbox is open. I am not a medical professional.
    ~Thanatos
    Last edited by Thanatos 51-50; 2009-07-12 at 06:15 AM.
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  29. - Top - End - #239
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    FdL's Avatar

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    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Last night I dreamed of my ex girlfriend. It all ended some two years ago, but I still get these. I woke up feeling pain and loneliness, horribly missing her...

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    She doesn't answer my calls or doesn't talk to me anymore, even if we didn't break up badly and kept some contact afterwards. I don't know if that was for good or worse, but happened...It was a bit weird for me, still hung up on the relationship and how it ended, so at some point I told her that we shouldn't keep it going like that (it was more complicated than I can tell here, let's just say that it was mainly her who called me and stuff)


    I've known for some time that she has some videos of her with her celtic folk band up in youtube and stuff but never got to see it. I feared it might shake up stuff indside, and cause me pain. Well, I did today.

    And I feel like dying. Seeing her made my heart race and got me shaking and feeling like throwing up. But I couldn't stop myself from doing it. Now I'm left with this feeling of despair, of emptyness and cold.

    I would like to call her, to know of her, to talk some with her. Find some comfort. And there's nothing I can do about it since she doesn't seem to want to know of me anymore.

    It hurts me to realise that this woman I'm seeing pictures and videos of in the web is the one that told me that she loved me, and who I kissed and shared my life with. How can two people be so close at one time and then fall apart so abysmally? It seems now as if our love didn't ever exist, as if what I remember as the happiest time of my life was just a mistake, something that shouldn't ever have happened.

    And it has left me without an aim, without a reason to go on and do stuff since it happened...I go on with my work, I even tried to date other women, but it's all my way to keep living, in autopilot, because I don't really have the emotional strength to do anything...I can't seem to get up.

  30. - Top - End - #240
    Ogre in the Playground
     
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    Mar 2007

    Default Re: Depression Thread IV: Read the first post or...

    Quote Originally Posted by FdL View Post
    Last night I dreamed of my ex girlfriend. It all ended some two years ago, but I still get these. I woke up feeling pain and loneliness, horribly missing her...

    Spoiler
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    She doesn't answer my calls or doesn't talk to me anymore, even if we didn't break up badly and kept some contact afterwards. I don't know if that was for good or worse, but happened...It was a bit weird for me, still hung up on the relationship and how it ended, so at some point I told her that we shouldn't keep it going like that (it was more complicated than I can tell here, let's just say that it was mainly her who called me and stuff)


    I've known for some time that she has some videos of her with her celtic folk band up in youtube and stuff but never got to see it. I feared it might shake up stuff indside, and cause me pain. Well, I did today.

    And I feel like dying. Seeing her made my heart race and got me shaking and feeling like throwing up. But I couldn't stop myself from doing it. Now I'm left with this feeling of despair, of emptyness and cold.

    I would like to call her, to know of her, to talk some with her. Find some comfort. And there's nothing I can do about it since she doesn't seem to want to know of me anymore.

    It hurts me to realise that this woman I'm seeing pictures and videos of in the web is the one that told me that she loved me, and who I kissed and shared my life with. How can two people be so close at one time and then fall apart so abysmally? It seems now as if our love didn't ever exist, as if what I remember as the happiest time of my life was just a mistake, something that shouldn't ever have happened.

    And it has left me without an aim, without a reason to go on and do stuff since it happened...I go on with my work, I even tried to date other women, but it's all my way to keep living, in autopilot, because I don't really have the emotional strength to do anything...I can't seem to get up.
    Dang, FdL. Moving on is really the only thing that will help you here, as painful as it is. That seems to be what she is trying to do, by slowly cutting off contact. As you've said, it brings back pain, and people... don't like pain, be it emotional or physical. The best way to see it is that you had the time of your life (thus far! This is important to remember) for a while, and that's fantastic, but things change, people change. For better or for worse they do, and that doesn't mean the whole relationship was a mistake. It was right at the time, but is no longer right. And... that's what you've got to live with. There is always something or someone to live for, even if you can't see it right now. Things can't get better if you don't let them though, and you seem to be stifling the things you have now because the past was 'better' Time can heal most emotional hurts, but you have to let it, and try not to dwell.

    I'm sorry there isn't really anything more that I can say (in my own not-particularly-helpful way).

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