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    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    McBish's Avatar

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    Default Some writing of Mine (Critiques welcomed)

    So I have had the habit of writing some stuff down this past year. I thought I could share it here, maybe get some feedback about what people thought. Not sure if I should post here or in Art's and Crafts. That seemed more visual, so here it is.

    Here is my first thing I had written in a long time. It is very long, and I was sobering up at the time. Very free thought stream of conscious sort of deal.
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    I am in the hallway.
    I have been kicked out of the room.
    It is dark and all I can see is myself.
    How disappointing. I am by myself once again.
    Alone and in the dark.
    I crawl through my feelings and find myself wanting more.
    Some times I feel numb, but on the rare occasion I feel something it hurts.
    Why?
    Why is the only thing I truly feel is loneliness?
    The questions pour into my head.
    The snow falls around me but is not the reason for the chill running up my spine.
    I cry out. The pain of life is something easily ignored.
    We all feel it so what is there about it that is special.
    What is it about you that is special?
    What is it about me that is special?
    What is it?
    Why I am still stuck in this life? Why does the approach of life seem so far away?
    I want to embrace you. I want to feel you.
    But that is a lie.
    I want to feel!
    The use of an exclamation is not a lie.
    I need to feel.
    The numbness surrounds me and it pains me to feel...
    NOTHING.


    But there you are.
    Friends
    Family
    Brothers and sisters.
    You come around me and hug me.
    But still I want more.
    How selfish am I to want to feel more.
    How selfish to feel that I am failing, that you are failing, because it is impossible to feel more.
    The shiver is back.
    The truth is almost out.
    But do I know what I am saying.
    Do I know who I am hurting?
    Why now? Why can this only be said when I am in the dark, with the snow falling around me? Why?
    WHY?

    Breath is hard to come by.
    Yet it is so natural. It happens to us all everyday.
    But right now I am without it.
    My hands shake.
    And my nerves tell me that I should stop.
    But I know I need to say more.
    I know there are words that need to be spoken.
    But I can't find them.
    I can't grasp them.
    They are beyond me. They are outside of my experience.
    Who can say these words for me? Is there a poet out there who feels as I feel?
    Is their a playwright who can write me this dialogue?
    Is there an author who can take my pain and make it a bestseller?


    For the first time tears fall from my eyes.


    3 spaces between me and you.
    And that is why I am truly alone.
    Will you cross the lines I have created? Will I find my courage and go to you?

    I embrace.
    I befriend.
    I joke.
    I laugh.
    I say ok. But it isn't.

    I cry, but not where it can be seen.
    I push you away when I need you.
    I hide behind my words.
    I never know you, so you will never know me.

    Some would say the best poetry comes from the mind of someone different.
    Am I different.
    Do you feel like I do, and hide it like I do?
    As I sit here I know I am not special.
    I know...

    Death. It wraps around me.
    I can't see it. I don't experience it.
    But there it is, always a few steps away.

    Now isn't the time for poetry.
    My Mom is sick. And the only treatment will make her sicker.
    Is that what makes me write these words.
    Or is it something inside myself.
    I am scared. What happens when these words escape me?
    Will you think less of me? Will you walk on eggshells.

    I ramble. I am sorry. And in apologizing I hate myself.

    I am not in danger.
    I am not hungry.
    I am not insane.
    I am not anything that would cause me to be unhappy.

    But I am.

    Not all the time.
    When I am with you.
    When I am surrounded by you all.
    These times make me happy. These times make me forget.

    But then I am alone.
    Then I am in the darkness in the hall, with my head in my hands and tears in my eyes.
    The snow falls around me and I can't help but cry, for despite it's beauty I am sad.
    Do you see it.
    Poets dance around it.
    Playwrights expect you to understand it.
    Authors state it in their words.
    And we live it.

    Every day of our life it is us.

    Do you understand what I am talking about?

    I love you.

    And yet I can't say it to your face.
    Yet I can't say it to myself.
    A poem of pain.
    A poem of Emo.

    Will I hate myself for writing this?
    Will it matter in the morning?
    Will I have the courage to show you it?
    WIll you have the courage to read it. And to see me?

    A drunken rant.
    A vision seen in the haze.
    A story only half formed in the mind.
    A dream of a person half asleep.

    Is it me? Is it you?
    Is this absurd? Will you laugh? Or Cry?

    Are you any closer to understanding me?
    Are you any closer to understanding yourself?

    If not, fine. It doesn't matter.
    I have said my piece. I have cried out to the darkness.
    I will not be silent. I will not be scared.
    No longer.

    At least till morning.


    Something I wrote while contemplating asking someone I liked if they would like to go out sometime.
    Spoiler
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    The voices are all around me.
    They fill my head.
    But all the say is
    Nothing

    I wish we all said nothing
    I wish our words never touched anything
    never touch each other
    not our minds
    not our hearts

    But I know that isn't the truth
    It is only my words that never touch anything.
    I know there are words that do just that
    Words others speak.

    But what about my words.

    You and I?
    Are we now connected
    In reading these words are we together?

    I wish sometimes that we were.
    But I know it isn't true.
    My words held no meaning to long.
    I have started to shake off the dust but it has been too long.

    Too long since I have touched anything.
    And now I am realizing how much you have all reached me.
    How much you have changed me.
    Better? Worse?
    I hope for the first.

    As I sit here I feel it.
    I miss it.
    I wish for it.

    You read these words now.
    Do you judge me.
    Do you praise me.

    Do you explain away these words.
    Give them meaning that isn't there.
    Do you explain me using these words?

    I am more then these words.
    These words can barely touch how I feel.
    Because I barely know how I feel.

    But I know this.
    I like you.
    I love you.
    I wish you would never leave.
    I hope we never do.


    And then after I asked her.
    Spoiler
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    Me and you.
    Can it work?
    Will we work?

    I don't know.
    I am scared.

    There is a song in my head.
    But the tune isn't that of my heart.
    I feel the feelings.
    But the words are too far gone.

    The chill is back.
    I know this is the truth.
    I know what is said should be said.

    I know nothing about you.
    I know that you know little about me.
    Can we learn.
    Will this song we dance to end?

    There is a shiver.
    There is a spin.
    I wonder.
    Does she know?
    Does she wonder?

    My arms
    They want to hold you.
    My legs go weak at the sight of you.
    Will this pass.
    Will we pass each other now in time.

    The night is almost over.
    The morning is coming soon.
    The redundancy of this sentence strikes me.
    Will we pass each other now.
    In this light so dim.

    Will we be able to dance.
    Will time stop for us?
    Will I fall behind?

    There are so many questions.
    There are so few answers.
    Will the writing of this hurt
    or help?

    I have said before
    I don't care.
    I will speak out.
    I will sing at the darkness
    I will shine in the silence

    But I am scared.
    The state I take myself to
    It shows the truth.

    Can I be true without it?
    I don't know.

    The tune is still there.
    In my head.

    Will you dance with me?

    Will we be true together.


    Then some random writings I did during a class.

    Spoiler
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    There is a time
    there is a place

    My stomach sinks
    But my heart sings

    I can only hope
    this is our time
    this is our place.

    --------------------

    Three lines to fill the poem
    But nothing comes to mind
    Am I that dull.

    ----------------

    A circle is drawn
    In the sands of time

    I follow the line
    never noticing
    the scenery never changes

    -----------------

    Lost at sea
    but no water in sight
    just Faces
    and Bodies
    embracing and shoving
    sneering and smiling

    But I built myself a raft
    I stay apart
    Why don't I dive in.

    --------------------

    This will be random
    bazooka

    But if you know me
    you get it
    The dwarf chases the giraffe
    eating a burrito

    If you put in the time
    you see the pattern
    The jello rises
    through the straw

    There is insanity in my eyes
    Do you not see it?

    -------------------

    the paper is blank
    the voices are mute

    nothing is seen or heard

    where did this void come from
    whis is it here now

    It is hard enough
    walking through this maze
    with signs on the walls
    and guides at the crossroads
    showed me the way

    -----------

    The morning is chill
    Frost on the windows

    I wake and graspe
    for something not there

    It has been too long.

    -------------

    The first drops of rain
    hit my face
    as I look up to the sky

    I watch the crowd
    scatter and take cover

    I stay where I am
    I always do

    alone
    in the rain


    My most recent poems.

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    A long time has passed
    we have missed each other so many times
    passing through the darkness

    In each trip we see new sights.
    We experience so much
    But what do we miss.

    Will we ever know
    Or is it just time
    when we regret

    Never knowing.

    -----

    (An accidental Haiku)

    So there is a pain.
    I don't know why it appears
    But I blame myself

    -----------

    There comes a time
    in the night
    when you look around
    hoping to find something
    that wasn't there when the lights were on.

    It is something we all feel
    no matter who we are
    what we have
    there is something we miss.

    We ignore the stuff we have
    feeling it insignificant
    forgetting how we feel
    when we see our life
    by the light of day

    Maybe it is because
    at night
    We live to dream.


    And a start to a short story thing. Not sure how to keep it going.

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    I stumble and almost fall. The woods around me have grown more and more wild as I run through them. It is getting harder to see now, the sun is slowly disappearing beyond the horizon. They would laugh at me now, my friends from home, knowing I was running through the woods looking for a girl. Not even a girl, a silhouette I think I saw in the mist. But tonight I don't care. I had walked this path many times, it was on my way home from work and always swore I was being watched. The one time I had told someone they had laughed and told me some BS about the woods being haunted. They obviously didn't believe it, and obviously never walked through the place in the dark.

    But tonight was different, it wasn't just a feeling. I had seen her standing there watching me. I couldn't see her face, and the next time I looked over she was running away. I don't know why but I knew that I needed to chase her. I needed to find out who she was, why she was watching me all this time. Did she need my help, did she mean me harm... Was she even real.

    So tonight I left the path that I had walked so many times before. She was just ahead of me. I kept seeing her dress blowing out behind her as she kept her distance. I start to trip over the roots of the trees that seem to get bigger and darker as I continue. Why does she keep running from me. Does she think I am going to hurt her, am I really that scary? I find that hard to believe as I fall to the ground cutting my knee on a rock. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. How long had I been running, I can't even see the path anymore. Or any of the lights of the city around me. God, this was stupid.
    Last edited by McBish; 2009-08-11 at 06:24 PM.
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    Thanks for the Nude Avatar MethosHazara

    Poem by me.
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    The stars glimmer
    and I can't help
    but wonder.
    Do they cry on those worlds,
    to?

  2. Top - End - #2
    Ettin in the Playground
     
    Thanatos 51-50's Avatar

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    Default Re: Some writing of Mine

    Hi, McBish!
    I can tell from your title that you've been here for a couple rounds, but the Arts and Crafts section of the forum is a better place to get feedback on this stuff!
    I'm about to get off work and go home, myself, or I'd read and critque, but this is high on m list of stuff to get to within the next hour!
    NaNoWriMo Beat Me
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    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    billtodamax's Avatar

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    Default Re: Some writing of Mine

    ...Wow. That was great. You're a fantastic writer, and I wish I could express this with such literary skill that you clearly have.
    Avatar by Me!
    Recaiden made the mime doll.
    Awesomeness below by ET.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Duneyrr View Post
    billtodamax, if your post were a young woman, I would awkwardly ask it out on a date.

  4. Top - End - #4
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    McBish's Avatar

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    Default Re: Some writing of Mine

    Thanks billtodamax.

    Also if anyone has any advice on getting some of the poetry published that would be very cool, I've decided I can edit up some of these and see if I can get them out there.
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    Thanks for the Nude Avatar MethosHazara

    Poem by me.
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    The stars glimmer
    and I can't help
    but wonder.
    Do they cry on those worlds,
    to?

  5. Top - End - #5
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    McBish's Avatar

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    Default Re: Some writing of Mine

    So I have started to continue the story I started. Here is what I got.

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    I stumble and almost fall. The woods around me have grown more and more wild as I run through them. It is getting harder to see now, the sun is slowly disappearing beyond the horizon. They would laugh at me now, my friends from home, knowing I was running through the woods looking for a girl. Not even a girl, a silhouette I think I saw in the mist. But tonight I don't care. I had walked this path many times, it was on my way home from work and always swore I was being watched. The one time I had told someone they had laughed and told me some BS about the woods being haunted. They obviously didn't believe it, and obviously never walked through the place in the dark.

    But tonight was different, it wasn't just a feeling. I had seen her standing there watching me. I couldn't see her face, and the next time I looked over she was running away. I don't know why but I knew that I needed to chase her. I needed to find out who she was, why she was watching me all this time. Did she need my help, did she mean me harm... Was she even real.

    So tonight I left the path that I had walked so many times before. She was just ahead of me. I kept seeing her dress blowing out behind her as she kept her distance. I start to trip over the roots of the trees that seem to get bigger and darker as I continue. Why does she keep running from me. Does she think I am going to hurt her, am I really that scary? I find that hard to believe as I fall to the ground cutting my knee on a rock. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. How long had I been running, I can't even see the path anymore. Or any of the lights of the city around me. God, this was stupid.

    ((This is where the new stuff picks up.))

    I spin around as I hear a twig snap. I see nothing but I push my way through the brush heading in that direction anyway, not having any better ideas. Any idea of where the path is lays far behind me.

    "Hello?" My voice calls out through the silence. For the first time I notice how quiet it is. I don't hear any bugs, no birds. It's been awhile since I spent much time in the woods but I always thought they had a lot of background noise.

    "Hello?" I echo myself finding the silence more and more disturbing. Where the Hell am I? I didn't know this town had so many trees. I stumble over another root and my shirt gets caught on a branch tearing. "Damm" I loved this shirt, it was the most comfortable shirt I owned. This had become less and less like an adventure and is just annoying now. All because of some trick of the light making me think I saw some women.

    What would I have done if I caught her, what does one say to random women you chase after in the woods. "Hi, I um... saw you running?" As I say it out loud it seems even stupider.

    Then as if the universe didn't think I felt like a big enough idiot, I trip over something and fall to the ground. I feel a sharp pain as my head hits something hard. I push myself up and feel my head finding a bit of blood. I look around for the rock I hit to give it a piece of my mind.

    "Jesus." I yelp as I fall backwards in alarm. The rock I hit my head on looks like a headstone. I pull out my phone to get some more light. Definitely a headstone i can see where the name and date were carved in, but they are worn away past the point of being able to read them. I look around the dull blue light of my phone mixing with the star light to give a even creepier look to the cemetery I have stumbled into.

    As I look around I find that I am not alone, there on a tree stump in the middle of the cemetery sits a girl. At first I get excited, I wasn't going crazy. But then looking her over I know this isn't the women I chased into these woods. She was dressed oddly, her long black skirt adorned with lace looked like it would be part of an old fashion funeral outfit, but she has a t-shirt with some rock band I had never heard of underneath a short leather jacket. Her short curly blond hair seemed to glow in the moonlight. The smile on her face showed she had noticed me long ago and was enjoying watching me make a fool of myself. I wait for her to say something but she just kept smiling that smug smile.

    "Hi there?" I say hoping I'm not just seeing here there as a result of hitting my head to hard. But she just sits there looking up at the night sky. And I can see why, I haven;t seen so many stars out, or so bright since I went camping in the northern woods with my family as a kid. I start to notice that the mist has lifted here. "Um, I'm kinda lost." I say to the girl again.

    "And bleeding." She says hopping off the stump. She is younger then i originally thought, 15 maybe 16. "Let me help you with that." She pulls out an old looking lace handkerchief.

    "It's just a little scrape." She swats away my protesting hand away and standing on her tiptoes cleans off the wound.

    "Here hold this." She takes my hand putting it on the handkerchief pressing it against the wound. "How did you get lost out here, most people couldn't find this place if they tried."

    "Well I... Um, you haven't seen a women dressed in white running around out here have you?"

    "Oh." She says with a knowing grin. "No I haven't seen her for a couple of days. You often follow strange women into the woods?"

    "No, you often sit alone in old cemeteries by yourself at night?"

    "Yes." She says simply stepping back.

    "Oh. Well I don't suppose you could tell me how to get back to town, or a road or something?"

    "I suppose I could, it would probably be better to show you though. Otherwise you'll probably just end up getting lost again never to be seen again. Most people forget how big these woods are. Come on." She turns and starts to walk away. As we go I notice that this cemetery isn't that small, there are several larger tombstones and even a small mausoleum. We pass through an iron gate that was connected to the fence that used to encircle this place but has fallen due to time.

    As we walk through the woods they seem a lot less intimidating. I no longer snag my clothes on branches, or trip over roots. Soon we walk back into the mist, and it gets so thick I almost have trouble seeing the girl in front of me. As we are walking I swear I hear the sound of a women signing, but not wanting this girl to think I'm stupider then she must already. And soon enough we leave the mist behind. I recognize a bike path I sometimes ride on. I look up at the sky, the stars seem dimmer. "I didn't know it was a full moon tonight."

    "It's not, tomorrow night." She turns and starts to head down the path in the opposite direction of my place.

    "Thanks." I call out to her back. She turns around with a smile and a wave.

    "Goodnight. And happy Friday the 13th."

    As she walks away I glance down at my phone. Sure enough, 12:01.


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    Thanks for the Nude Avatar MethosHazara

    Poem by me.
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    The stars glimmer
    and I can't help
    but wonder.
    Do they cry on those worlds,
    to?

  6. Top - End - #6
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    McBish's Avatar

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    Default Re: Some writing of Mine

    Another thing I wrote. After a nice long walk home from the bars, talking to myself most of the way. I think the talk with myself was more poetical but I had nothing to write on.

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    I have been talking to myself
    for the long walk home
    many things were said
    not many remembered.

    All I know is I walked alone.
    In this night I argued
    I disagreed
    I rambled
    all to myself

    There was no one there
    Not you, or you or you.

    There were times,
    I felt touched
    by friends
    by family
    and then afterwords I was

    Alone

    I was elegant
    I was poetic
    and if I don't capture it again
    **** you

    You weren't there
    you couldn't understand

    I see all the people around me
    I see them happy and connected

    And then I see myself,
    alone and afraid
    of the darkness surrounding me
    of the mist blocking my visage.

    The stars above me can't be seen
    through the smog of the world
    that has been created by the crap.

    I haven't helped.
    I have lied
    and squirmed my way
    out of the difficult questions.

    And there are the rare times
    when I am alone
    that I will be honest.

    I am drunk now
    I do not regret it
    I will not apologize for it.

    During the day
    when the sun shines on me
    I seem fine

    But alone in the dark
    there are tears.

    Will you see this as art
    and ignore the message
    that I hope you hear

    but you will not be tagged
    not by me
    for I am afraid of the conversation
    that we would have.

    If you knew how
    I felt
    for you.

    For the world around me

    I see the happy pairs
    who seem content for the world

    I have felt that I have found
    that one person, who I can feel
    who can feel me, who
    understands

    But they slip away.
    Does it really matter if
    I am alone in the
    feeling.

    Friendship and family.
    Great
    Wonderful.
    But nothing in the end.

    Replaceable, forced
    where is the true connection.

    I am naked now
    a joke to many.
    Art to some

    But who will hear me.

    Who will understand.

    I need more.
    Maybe more then you can offer.

    But if you give me your gift.
    I will try to repay in kind.

    For the wonder that is this night.
    Will only come so often.
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    Thanks for the Nude Avatar MethosHazara

    Poem by me.
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    The stars glimmer
    and I can't help
    but wonder.
    Do they cry on those worlds,
    to?

  7. Top - End - #7
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    McBish's Avatar

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    Default Re: Some writing of Mine (Critiques welcomed)

    Here is some more stuff.

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    Tonight I was not myself
    I was a being sent
    from elsewhere.

    Tonight I came and
    whispered in you ear

    You are Beautiful

    I expected no reaction
    I expect no response

    I wish for you to kow
    something which I will not understand

    Till I am alone in the dark.

    That you truly are beautiful.

    It doesn't matter that I don't know you.
    It doesn't matter that others may think you
    ugly. For there is truth
    in these words which
    escape my mouth tonight.

    You are beautiful.

    And if you are blind to the beauty
    if it has been covered by something

    Tonight it doesn't matter

    Tomorrow it doesn't matter

    It doesn't matter.

    There is beauty in this world
    in you in me.

    In the trees and the sea
    there is something there that
    words
    alone can not describe

    No song can make sense of it
    no poem will have made it clear

    but there is something which I share

    You are beautiful.

    And this beauty is beyond
    that which can be seen

    beyond which that can be felt

    there is something there that we know.
    There is a truth
    and in that truth there is a beauty.

    Experience it
    one way or another

    And in the experience we will
    come on step
    closer

    To the beauty that is the truth.

    ------------------------

    Poetry escapes me
    and there is a meaning
    do I understand
    or am I talking to the darkenss.

    --------------------

    Why is it in these times
    of darkness that I can find it easy
    to speak those thoughts
    which always dwell in my mind.

    Can you not hear them
    Can I not say them
    Will they be ignored.

    No for dark and light
    are illusion
    which we create
    and hide within

    there is truth in words
    no matter when they are
    spoken
    sang
    written.

    --------------

    An outpouring happens now

    Something
    Someone
    has caused it

    was it you,
    or me.

    Which in this night,
    has seen the truth.

    Was it you who explained it to me?
    Or I am here speaking these words,
    making you see, in ways that are,
    new
    scary
    exciting?
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    Thanks for the Nude Avatar MethosHazara

    Poem by me.
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    The stars glimmer
    and I can't help
    but wonder.
    Do they cry on those worlds,
    to?

  8. Top - End - #8
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    McBish's Avatar

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    Default Re: Some writing of Mine (Critiques welcomed)

    Here is a new one titled- Bebop. Points for guessing what Anime it is named after. Not really, it's to easy.

    Bebop
    Spoiler
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    A note of music
    can be heard in the silence
    of tonight

    We have torn down
    the world and replaced it

    A beacon of light
    blinds us
    we are so use to the dark

    But in your eyes
    I can see something else

    And I hope, you see
    something in me as well.

    Floating through the void
    we reach out to each other
    Even if we don't mean to.

    In the end we will collide.
    Will we be ready?


    And another.

    A Thought
    Spoiler
    Show
    *tick*

    A clock ticks
    in an empty room
    no one is there
    but me, and my mind
    it twists
    and tries to fit what I see
    into the world around me

    But it is hard
    there is something in front of me
    Something that doesn't fit in
    Something new,
    terrifying and beautiful

    It dances in front of me
    its form ever shifting
    flowing as the sands of time
    drip down. Slipping away

    A clock ticks
    and my body flies
    I need to do something soon
    before this
    fades away
    and all I am left with
    is a impression
    of a memory

    *tock*

    And as always any feedback is welcomed.
    Last edited by McBish; 2009-08-17 at 07:14 PM.
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    Thanks for the Nude Avatar MethosHazara

    Poem by me.
    Spoiler
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    The stars glimmer
    and I can't help
    but wonder.
    Do they cry on those worlds,
    to?

  9. Top - End - #9
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    McBish's Avatar

    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Minneapolis MN

    Default Re: Some writing of Mine (Critiques welcomed)

    A group of poems that I think work well together. Hope you enjoy.

    Spoiler
    Show
    All my words blur together.
    And all the sights before me
    are something which I miss

    Why do the stars above me hold
    as much value as the people around me

    Are they as easy to reach?
    I wish to defend this statement,
    but look at it, and find it to be true.

    We say the words
    we even might mean them

    But when do we reach out.
    When do we truly touch each other.

    As these words spill out from me.
    I know there is a lie there.

    Four years ago, I wouldn't
    be here. As I am now.
    Not without your touch.

    We push we pull
    we affect each other

    And the stars above me
    never will outshine my friends

    Yet I can't comprehend,
    I will not understand
    why looking at the stars
    I can say alone,
    what I can not say to you.

    I have meet you once.
    I have lived with you
    I have been closer to you then anyone
    shared feelings that I don't understand.

    And yet at night
    the stars above
    seem closer then you.

    It is not fair.
    Not that I blame you
    it is me. The fault
    mine.
    I must keep you so far
    or else I would be
    normal
    like the rest of you.

    I reach out
    in these times
    where I straddle the edge
    of what is and what can be.

    And I look to these people,
    who laugh and live with me
    and hope they will see
    Me.

    Not my face, not my mask
    not who I am when I act.
    But who I am, when I am tired
    when my brain can't put on
    this elaborate facade
    to protect myself.

    And in the end,
    I curl up next to you.
    Hoping and dreaming
    of worlds that spin above and
    around me.

    ------------------

    The stars glimmer
    and I can't help
    but wonder.
    Do they cry on those worlds,
    to?

    ----------------------

    A friend lost in darkness
    is a friend never truly had
    for the distance that separates us
    can not overcome the bond we form.
    And as I reach the edge
    of this world that we live in

    I know if I reach back.
    You will be there
    to grab my hand.

    ------------------

    Lies flow from me
    much easier then truth
    but in each lie
    there is part of me

    Can you
    Will you
    Please see it.

    Find the part that is truely
    meaningful.

    Find it and show it to me.
    Push it in my face.
    Hold my dreams in front of my eyes

    So then when I see something,
    it is something that gives me hope.
    It is you and me.

    Holding hands.
    Kissing.
    Loving.

    ------------------------

    Tonight passes to quickly.
    I see you for a brief moment
    and then my eyes open.
    and the dream you are
    vanishes.

    Will you wake up with me
    in the morning?

    Can my arms hold
    something so rare
    so unforeseen
    so beautiful?

    Or will you dream of someone else
    and be with them
    I can't blame you

    You deserve your dream.

    I deserve mine.

    May they both come true.

    -------------

    A shiver
    is something that frightens me

    Hold me?

    Comfort me.

    Let me not be alone.
    Tonight of all nights.

    For I wish for you to be here
    holding me.
    Helping me
    Comforting me.

    And I wish.
    That I wouldn't need it.

    ----------

    And so into the night
    I fade away
    not missing the world around me
    but understanding
    the world isn't mine

    I don't belong, nor regret
    not being truely here

    I wish you well.
    And I disappear.
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    Poem by me.
    Spoiler
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    The stars glimmer
    and I can't help
    but wonder.
    Do they cry on those worlds,
    to?

  10. Top - End - #10
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    McBish's Avatar

    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Minneapolis MN

    Default Re: Some writing of Mine (Critiques welcomed)

    I think once you read this you will figure out what name I would throw on it. Enjoy.

    Spoiler
    Show
    As I sit here in this room
    the roof above me fades away
    and I see the sky
    and it is filled with
    Stardust

    I reach up for it
    and the floor below me
    falls away
    and now I am flying in
    Stardust

    The walls that once
    held me in
    and hid the world
    crumble away in there place is only
    Stardust

    And so here I am
    in this dream of beauty
    And the dark night glows
    and all I can do is stare at the
    Stardust
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    Thanks for the Nude Avatar MethosHazara

    Poem by me.
    Spoiler
    Show
    The stars glimmer
    and I can't help
    but wonder.
    Do they cry on those worlds,
    to?

  11. Top - End - #11
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    thurge namor's Avatar

    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    Where am I not?
    Gender
    Male

    Default Re: Some writing of Mine (Critiques welcomed)

    thought you might wanna know that the last work of your poem in your signature should be too not to
    Rhythm within verse to bring sweet tears
    Silent script breeds death to my fears
    And what of the poet's bleeding black soul?
    He buried it deep in a dank dark hole...

    Red hot edge dipped in enemy’s life
    Squirt warm stream of bittersweet strife
    And what of the warrior's maddening guilt?
    He buried it deep as still he strikes from the hilt...


    avatar made by Assassin 89!

  12. Top - End - #12
    Ogre in the Playground
     
    Kallisti's Avatar

    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    The Riddlerealms

    Default Re: Some writing of Mine (Critiques welcomed)

    This is some good stuff. I've always wished I could do poetry well.

    I'll have something more specific and helpful for you when I have time.

    Have you considered putting some of these in the Playground Writer's Workshop The thread seems to be dying off, we could use a new writer, especially one with so many pieces.
    Hail Eris/All Hail Discordia/Fnord?
    Quote Originally Posted by Lix Lorn
    ...Kallisti, your table and poem skills are possum!
    Quote Originally Posted by Milskidasith
    I'm not sure whether you are brilliant or insane. I think it's both.
    "Once upon a time, a story was never finished..."

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