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    Ogre in the Playground
     
    xPANCAKEx's Avatar

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    Default Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    carried over from the last thread (kudos to syka)

    Well...After the confession thread, I saw way too many "what do I do in this situation" threads popping up, so here is one nice compendium. Come here to post questions about how to approach the opposite sex, the dread first date and, should you be in a relationship already and fairly certain they don't read Giant, a place to complain/seek advice about a current flame.

    If you'd rather not make it public, I will compile a list in this thread of people who will accept PM's to give advice.

    The biggest bit of advice I've seen bandied around is the truest- no matter what else is true about the situation, always be yourself. It's no good to act like someone else, because eventually the true you will come out and the other person will not be happy you hid that from them.

    Rules Of Relationships:
    #1- Communicate. If you can't talk with your partner, it's probably not going to work.

    #2- Be yourself. Admittedly, if you have some really bad habits you should probably try to change them, but be honest about who you are. No one wants to find out they were loving a lie, and no one likes to live a lie (...well, normally).

    #3- Accept your partner. In mine, and other people's, experience you have to be able to accept your partner as they are, because they probably won't be able to change. Also, don't change drastically for someone. I've tried it, my friends have tried it, it doesn't work and it doesn't end pretty.

    #4- Hints. Do. Not. Work. Or they might, but the chance of that happening is limited. Some people are like me and just utterly oblivious unless it is blatantly stated, others are (also like me) and don't want to assume, and yet others don't care. You won't know which they belong to unless you actually spell out your intentions and/or feelings. I would consider this a corrolery to Rule #1 except that it comes up so often. Do NOT assume someone should know something from hints. Hints, by nature, are subtle. Clue Bats/Crow Bars/Mack Trucks are not. Try hitting them with one of those. ;) (No, not literally. I mean be upfront if you are trying to get someone to know something.)

    Private Advice Givers:
    Eh, I'm pretty sure any regular has an open PM box for you.


    RULES. YOU READ THESE.
    -Anything of a sexual nature, please PM to either myself or one of the regular advice givers. If you just want general opinions post something like: "I have this problem, but it is not board appropriate. Could one of you guys PM me?" I know from experience that you will in fact get help.

    -KEEP IT NICE. Disagreements are bound to happen, but please don't be rude.

    -Joking is all fun and games, within reasons. Please do not get derogatory.


    I decided to put this up because, evidently, it was not apparent that these should be followed. I do not want this thread to be scrubbed again, and we were blessed to get it back.

    so please - play nice, and if you're not comfortable talking about things over the open board, PM one of the regulars (too many to mention), and im sure they'll be willing to lend an ear - or if you're not sure who to PM, post asking for someone to PM you, and you'll soon get a response
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    xPANCAKEx - He's a scumbag, but he's a wise scumbag.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    Why don't I open this thread with a problem I'm having

    To start some background on me.
    I crush very easily but have a lot of trouble with the approach of her.
    Only ever told one what I thought of her (she rejected me but that is not what this is about). So now I'm a 22 year old that has never had a date.

    And now my "problem"
    My neighbours have some house guests, a couple of their approximate age and what I assume is the daughter who is my approximate age. Now we have noticed each other a few times and subsequently smiled at each other.

    We have adjacent yards but there is an elevation differences of about 3 or 4 feet and they have the high ground. there is also a fence and some plants.

    What would a good way to approach her?
    Last edited by Tiger Duck; 2009-08-11 at 03:10 PM.

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    Ettin in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    It's over, Captain Happy. She has the high ground. Don't try it!
    Last edited by FoE; 2009-08-11 at 03:10 PM.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    Yeah I've threw that in so someone could make that joke.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    Captain Happy: *raises hand* Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! I know this one!

    Man up and just talk to her. If you get shot down again, so what? It happens. The only thing you have to lose is the delusion of possibility. It's freaky at first, and getting turned down sucks, but try to learn from each sucky event and you'll eventually get into the swing of things.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    Yea I know, it's just that the illusion of possibility is what I run on.
    But you are right I should either man up or shut up.

    And because I don't know when they'll leave I most likely keep looking for a good opening till she is gone. That's what I usually do.
    So I'll shut up now.

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    Ogre in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    No! No! No! While I certainly am not the most successful person when it comes to getting dates (I could certainly tell my own stories right here), I found that it it better to just, well, throw yourself into cold water. Just approach her and say something that you can't get out of without looking ridicilous. Just summon up enough courage to ask her to go see a movie with you or something. And then, whatever comes, comes. The important thing is to just DO something, as opposed to doing nothing. Trust me with this one, try it! You only have to gain, nothing to loose. Personally, I often find myself awake late at night thinking about the times that I could have tried but didn't, while the times I did try and failed don't trouble me nearly as much. Go out and ask her, I'll wish you best of luck!
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    Ogre in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    Quote Originally Posted by Captain Happy View Post
    And because I don't know when they'll leave I most likely keep looking for a good opening till she is gone. That's what I usually do.
    I see you have already experienced the effect that good openings are few and far between. Perhaps you should consider going for a "bad" opening - like simply knocking on her door. Alternatively, you could leave a small pink flower and a note and then try to contact her directly (leave contact info on the note but don't imply that you expect her to use it - if she does, cool, if she doesn't, take the next step the next day - but don't leave things hanging). A solid opening is an honest compliment and a suggestion that you get to know each other better over coffee/ice cream/whatever.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    Quote Originally Posted by Captain Happy View Post
    Yea I know, it's just that the illusion of possibility is what I run on.
    But you are right I should either man up or shut up.

    And because I don't know when they'll leave I most likely keep looking for a good opening till she is gone. That's what I usually do.
    So I'll shut up now.
    Don't just walk up and ask her out. Make conversation. I say this because she might already be with someone, and it will be awkward from then on with your neighbors.
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    Pixie in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    The illusion of possibility will never become reality if you don't approach her. Dating is like anything else. You're going to fail a lot before you succeed, but you also learn a little something from each failure. The trick is not letting the failures get to you too much.

    Also, learn to recognize the opportune moment and go for it. I was once a shy introvert myself around girls until I started hearing from former crushes about how they wished I'd said something. After that I decided to just go for it. While it's not always going to work out, it'll never work out if you never say anything.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    Quote Originally Posted by daecrist View Post
    I was once a shy introvert myself around girls until I started hearing from former crushes about how they wished I'd said something.
    Well what stopped them from saying anything?! Huh? Huh?!
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    HalflingWizardGirl

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    Quote Originally Posted by Ninja Chocobo View Post
    Well what stopped them from saying anything?! Huh? Huh?!
    Traditionally, it is up to the male to make the first move. Females sometimes will drop hints, flirt, etc but is it uncommon for them to ask a male out.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    Indeed, which is why I tell all the girls I know who are sick of not being asked out to just become iconoclasts already if they won't learn the lingo of their sex-gender-construction thing.
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    BardGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    Alright, the girl and I have been emailing for about 2 weeks now. I asked her out(kind of, I asked if she was free on a certain day), and she said she'd like to go to a movie with a group of people.

    I asked her if I could just see her, which in hindsight sounds horribly stupid. And I'm not entirely sure how to interpret the whole situation. Is she playing it safe? is she just not interested? et cetera.

    Please?
    This text is below something else.

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    Colossus in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    So what, she was suggesting going with a group of people to go to the movies with? Or that she was already planning on going to see a movie?

    Also, she probably didn't want to get alone with you right from the get go or thought it was friendly. if it's the first case.
    Quote Originally Posted by Keld Denar View Post
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    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    GnomeWizardGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    Quote Originally Posted by snoopy13a View Post
    Traditionally, it is up to the male to make the first move. Females sometimes will drop hints, flirt, etc but is it uncommon for them to ask a male out.
    I hate this. It is so much easier if the girl makes the first move. But since i am the shy, awkward kid in the corner most of the time i hate it more then other people.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    Easier for whom, though?
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    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    BardGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    Quote Originally Posted by Coidzor View Post
    So what, she was suggesting going with a group of people to go to the movies with? Or that she was already planning on going to see a movie?

    Also, she probably didn't want to get alone with you right from the get go or thought it was friendly. if it's the first case.
    It was the former.
    This text is below something else.

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    Colossus in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    Well, you might have put her off by being that forward, depends on the context of the conversation really. I'm about to head out the door though, so I'll let cooler heads than mine handle this one, haha.
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    Colossus in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    Quote Originally Posted by Captain Happy View Post
    What would a good way to approach her?
    Be vewwy, vewwy qwiet, and wear sqweaky shoes.

    First of all, do you know your neighbours at all? If you do, then there's some more advice there.
    If not, wait 'til she happens to be in the yard, walk over and introduce yourself to her. Ask her where she's from, how she's related to your neighbours, why she's visiting, what she does, when she's leaving... That sort of thing. Give openings for her to ask back, and give substantial answers. Then, throw in a "hey, before you leave for home again, would you like to catch up for [x]?" Or better yet, in the aforementioned conversation, seek out her interests and go from there - if you have something pertaining to that interest, invite her over and continue the conversation. If you don't but you know a place that does, inert that place in [x].
    Now, this is important: If she says "no", be pleasant about it. Say "oh well. Let me know if you change your mind, okay?", with a smile. Either continue the conversation, or, if it's already run its course (don't just suddenly conclude it), give a cheery farewell. There's all sorts of reasons she could decline, and if you make it a big deal you're more likely to prevent a later opportunity, or simply the development of a nice friendship.


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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    Captain Happy

    the wonderful Serp has once again hit the nail on the head with this one. You've got nothin to lose by standing there in the garden havin a talk across the fence - especially if theres been positive smiles exchanged

    Ninja Chocobo

    the majority of girls prefer a guy with self confidence in spades - the flirting/hint dropping is a test of that, to see how you measure up and if you'll follow up on things. That and many of them lack the confidence to make the move themselves.

    I personally view it as risk management. I can deal with someone shooting me down a LOT easier than i can deal with thinking about a "what if" for the forseeable future to come... but thats just my personal take on life
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    Quote Originally Posted by loopy View Post
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    Thanks everyone
    I'll try to follow Serp advise. And if I can't get myself over the whatever was stopping me yesterday. I'll leave one of a cute little box of my own devising for her with my contact info in it.

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    Titan in the Playground
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    Quote Originally Posted by Captain Happy View Post
    Thanks everyone
    I'll try to follow Serp advise. And if I can't get myself over the whatever was stopping me yesterday. I'll leave one of a cute little box of my own devising for her with my contact info in it.
    Don't just leave your contact info, leave a note that says, "Hi! I think you're pretty nice. I was busy today, but I'd like to get to know you better. Here's my number, call me for coffee sometime."

    Stress the cute and that you would've come yourself, but were busy or something.

    All that I say applies only to myself. You author your own actions and choices. I cannot and will not be responsible for you, nor are you for me, regardless of situation or circumstance.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    Bah I didn't did anything useful today. Hope she's still here tomorrow so I can try again.

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    Orc in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    *waves* It's me from the last thread-- girl with crush on boy who did not wish for long distance relationship. Anyway, small update on my situation-- we did end up seeing each other after all; after he canceled on me, he suggested we go see a movie. We saw Funny People together a couple nights ago as friends, and it wasn't awkward-- me liking him didn't come up, and overall there was no weirdness about any of it. So, we're still going to be friends, and I'll look forward to college, like all of you said
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    Quote Originally Posted by Trai View Post
    *waves* It's me from the last thread-- girl with crush on boy who did not wish for long distance relationship. Anyway, small update on my situation-- we did end up seeing each other after all; after he canceled on me, he suggested we go see a movie. We saw Funny People together a couple nights ago as friends, and it wasn't awkward-- me liking him didn't come up, and overall there was no weirdness about any of it. So, we're still going to be friends, and I'll look forward to college, like all of you said
    sounds like its worked out well (if not what you initially wanted) - hope it goes better when you settle in at college
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    Quote Originally Posted by loopy View Post
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    Hey! A friend of mine just sent this video and I think this is the best place to share it.
    It's BACK!

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    Something I wanted to share, since its something I have been noticing about myself for some time.

    I can be harsh to the people close to me, especially my girlfriend. Not because I donít like them, her. But because I want them to have the best and when I see them not achieving what I think they could have it hurts in a way. But the way I react doesnít get over the way it should.
    Anyhow, acceptance is the first step towards change so I think it wont be my problem for long anymore.
    But its something I wanted to share, since I think others might do the same and not realize it.
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    Quote Originally Posted by YPU View Post
    Something I wanted to share, since its something I have been noticing about myself for some time.

    I can be harsh to the people close to me, especially my girlfriend. Not because I donít like them, her. But because I want them to have the best and when I see them not achieving what I think they could have it hurts in a way. But the way I react doesnít get over the way it should.
    Anyhow, acceptance is the first step towards change so I think it wont be my problem for long anymore.
    But its something I wanted to share, since I think others might do the same and not realize it.
    My boyfriend did the same thing for a while. He never understood tact, and that sometimes people know what's wrong with them, but haven't "fixed" it yet for whatever reason.

    Speaking of my boyfriend... My low self-esteem and his bluntness are a very poor combination. It's far better than when we started dating, but lately it's becoming a problem again. I'm realizing that a lot of the changes I'm committing too (losing weight, dressing better, cutting off a lot of my hair) are primarily because of him. He's told me that he had an ex who was noticeably more attractive and better in bed, so I constantly feel like he expects more of me. I know the problem isn't with him; he only mentioned that once, and he's working a lot harder to tell me that he thinks I'm pretty and smart and awesome... But as I'm insecure, the amount of reassurance I need is ridiculous.

    I guess I don't know what to do. He and I have talked about it, and he doesn't understand why I can't just chill and accept that he likes me fine as I am. I know I can't be the best at everything for him, and that I should be doing things for myself, etc... But that doesn't really sink in. So, I guess I either need tips on how to lose weight and get rid of my acne and deal with ridiculously frizzy hair, or advice on how to calm the hell down.

    Sorry for the semi-ranting post.

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

    My first question for you, Neoclassic, is if you accomplished all those things, would you be satisfied, or would you just find more things to be unsatisfied with yourself about? What's your first, off-the-cuff, instinctive answer?

    The reason I ask is that there are fundamental distinctions between legitimate desires for self-improvement, legitimate desires to please one's lover, and problematic issues where you believe you can never be good enough. And honestly, those distinctions get muddled easily and are almost impossible to determine from an across-the-internet perspective.

    ...It's easier in person. When the morbidly obese person and the supermodel each complain about their need to lose weight, an objective observer can generally figure that one of them has a point and the other has an altogether different problem.

    In your particular case, my inclination is to say that you should believe your boyfriend when he tells you he likes you as you are. Because whose opinion of your sex appeal is more important than your significant other's?
    Last edited by Pyrian; 2009-08-14 at 02:07 PM.
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