Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

[Moonshadow]

I have tried to contact her, yes, and recieved silence as my reply

And, I know she has been around, because she still has had plenty of time do do other crap on the internet, but she can't spare a minute to tell me what the hell is happening

[Syka]

If you aren't able to contact her in the next day or so, shoot her an email/Facebook message/Myspace message/text/whatever and let her know if it continues for any longer she will not be your girlfriend (I'm assuming you see this as a dealbreaker, the whole ignoring for days on end thing). She needs to know this is not an acceptable way to handle conflicts especially within a romantic relationship.

When we began dating, Oz told me he had a habit of disappearing for a few days off peoples radars if he got too stressed- not answering phonecalls or anything. One night we talked and when I called him back a few hours later...no answer. I knew for a fact he wasn't doing anything and from his tone earlier I was being ignored. I then sent him a text asking him to call.

Sure enough, about half an hour later he called me apologizing profusely. I told him if he ever did that again, he wouldn't be getting off this easy- if he needed space he could tell me but under no circumstances was he to ignore me. That would be a dealbreaker. In the two years since it happened, he's not done it again. Most would have probably been coddling, telling him it was OK since it wasn't that long, but I knew given his history it could easily turn into something like this, and it's not acceptable with in a relationship, so I didn't hide my own hurt and anger. (Note: I wasn't mean, but I didn't let his stress overshadow my own feelings.)

She needs to learn a more mature way of dealing with her feelings. I wouldn't automatically break it off but if she keeps on blatently ignoring you (seriously, not answering stuff while obviously doing other stuff online is mean) she needs to buck up or know this very well may cost her you.

[xPANCAKEx]

Yuuki_Jaggar

i'd agree with syka's advice to a point - apart from giving them a warning via email

Best way is to be direct about and CALL them up

if you could clarify a few things for me:
1) how long is "a few days"
2) what did you yell at her friends friend about? and more importantly what did you say?
3) has she done it before?
4) if you say "everyone ignoring you" - How many others are ignoring you? It may be that somethings come up for her and shes been busy... may be best to wait to hear her side of things

But if it does carry on for more than say, a week, i would drop her an "um, whats going on?" email

[Syka]

I advised electronic communication because he said he'd already tried calling I think. If I'm wrong, definitely try calling first but barring that electronic communication is your best bet.

[xPANCAKEx]

a fair reason - i just think texting/email/facebooking is a bit impersonal for something that is quite personal

if they're not going to respond to your calls or see you, then they don't deserve you making the effort via other means to let them know you're letting them go. In that scenario, IF they ever re-appear, then its not immature to say "well we you ignoring me, so im moving on" and let them know they've been 'let go' retro-actively. If they go off the radar for so long without a decent reason (sometimes life DOES happen after all), and want to patch things up, then the onus is on them to make the effort and shouldn't need to be reminded. Syka - the thing with oz you handled it right - gave him his last warning when he spoke to you and carried on from there.

[Pyrian]

This conversation reminds me of this story:

http://www.asylum.com.au/2009/08/13/...ious-break-up/

[xPANCAKEx]

This conversation reminds me of this story:

http://www.asylum.com.au/2009/08/13/...ious-break-up/

i've seen an (apparently) full account of that one floating around - was a good laugh

[Moonshadow]

Yuuki_Jaggar

i'd agree with syka's advice to a point - apart from giving them a warning via email

Best way is to be direct about and CALL them up

if you could clarify a few things for me:
1) how long is "a few days"
2) what did you yell at her friends friend about? and more importantly what did you say?
3) has she done it before?
4) if you say "everyone ignoring you" - How many others are ignoring you? It may be that somethings come up for her and shes been busy... may be best to wait to hear her side of things

But if it does carry on for more than say, a week, i would drop her an "um, whats going on?" email

3 days so far. I yelled at her friend's friend because she is always complaining and whining about how everyone hates her, and the final straw was her saying that she would take up smoking again because it made her nice and everyone hated her right now.

No, she has not done it before, but she specifically promised not to ignore me to hurt me, after I explained my ex used the same methods to control me.

And her being busy is not an excuse that carries well with me - She still has plenty of time to play games and use FB and twitter and all that crap, but no time to talk to me.

It hurts

[Serpentine]

I would modify Syka's email slightly. Tell her that she NEEDS to talk to you, and that your relationship is hinging on her contacting you - IF she doesn't contact you, then you will assume that it's over and move on.

[Moonshadow]

...turns out it was something else entirely, and now we're back to being just friends, because she needs time to think, and see if she can manage being in a relationship at the moment.


...really doesn't make me feel any better. Think I'm gonna be sick

[Jacklu]

Right then... I like her. She doesn't feel the same way about me. Distance is a major factor. We got all this out of the way months ago, but every time I start getting to the point where she is just a good friend, I find myself feeling all mixed up again. Any advice? And yes, I have already tried the "take time apart from her" approach.

[Coidzor]

^:Therm-..er... Have you tried just seducing her and getting on to the her hating you for seducing you phase, so however you feel about her becomes completely irrelevant?


Ahh, the ridiculousness of youth. Eh, there's other fish in the sea.

And if you have trouble finding them, well, there's always thermite.

[Jacklu]

If only. Seducing is out of the question. Even if I was capable of such things, I would never be able to bring myself to do it. As it stands, Jacklu has such a... non-functional sex drive that even finding someone who is even remotely attractive to me is a rarity. Beyond that, I have a tendency of falling rapidly into the "trusted friend" category with girls I meet, resulting in my total removal from the realm of being even the remotest possible romantic interest. simply put, the phrase "other fish in the sea" doesn't apply to me. I view the whole thing as more along the lines of finding a living healthy fish in the middle of the desert. One in a million chance, with less chance of a second occurrence.

I deleted it. Sorry. It was not very nice at all. It is better this way.

[RabbitHoleLost]

Spoiler

Show

Jacklu, being the jaded individual that I am, has come to adopt the belief that no relationship is meant to last. All relationships will eventually end in pain for both parties, and in almost all cases cheating by one of the partners. Significant others are made to be held onto desperately, then lost in the most painful manner possible, then missed with equal parts resentment, hatred, despair, and longing. Pessimistic? Clearly. Accurate? Only from my point of view. Take it or leave it. ((psst, leaving it is the best choice here))

Spoiler

Show

Duh. Even if you never, ever get divorced or cheated on or whatever, someone is 99.9999% of the time going to die before the other one. That's just the way it is.
And I really, really don't care. Because no matter how much the pain or the effort, all relationships are worth it, in the end. Even if you end up hating the significant other, they were something to you once. You learn more about yourself pursuing romantic entanglements than you do any other way. We as humans look to others to know who we really are.
I think its called the mirror something or other. Its been a long time since I took psychology.
In anycase, your "jaded" opinion is correct, but people either don't realize it, or they're smart enough not to care.
Just my thoughts.

Furthermore, onto your predicament.
This is just a thought, again, though something that bothers me about myself and other's.
And, this is my thought dealing with most romantic issues; whatever you're going through is not something new. There have been people who've found it harder to get into relationships than you, Jack, and they've still found someone else or just moved on.
There really isn't any advice to give in moving on. Its just something that happens. And, yes, it sucks, and yes, its going to hurt, but its not a hurt that only you have to go through.
Everyone get's their hearts broken from time to time.
Everyone.
And, trust me, it took me a long time to realize my heart was vulnerable, too.

But, anyways. This girl doesn't like you, and, from what I can read, its likely she probably won't ever return your feelings.
You've taken time away, and it hasn't worked. Maybe, in that case, you just need to wait. You might find another girl, she might find someone and that might indeed just end your feelings for her. You don't know. I don't know.
But you'll get over it.
I promise you, you will.
You just need to wait.

[Pyrian]

I am vaguely mystified by the relatively asexual people who want to get into relationships. If I didn't have such a strong sex drive I would consider romantic relationships to be too much of a pain in the neck to even bother with. I love love love my friends, don't get me wrong. But to me, between a good friend and a lover, the cardinal distinction is the carnal distinction.

[Jacklu]

@Rabbit:

Thanks for the advice. Right now my plan is to simply try to move on from where I am. My biggest fears when I first started to have feelings was that if I acted I would loose her as a friend. Having acted and not lost her as a friend, I am very glad. For now it is just a matter of getting used to where I am, I guess. It's just... The thought of what might have been is a bit depressing at times.

@ Pyrian:

For me, romance and er... romance are two separate things. I know that they are inexorably intertwined in the normal world, but not for me (I am actually a bit turned off by the thought of... well, you know what). I crave relationships. Intimacy on an emotional and intellectual level. Just not so much on the physical one. Sadly, most of the world puts focus on the latter and not the former. Which sucks for me I guess. The trials of trying to find love in a world where love and secks are the same side of the coin.

[Pyrian]

I crave relationships. Intimacy on an emotional and intellectual level.

Sure. So do I. But I'm perfectly happy getting that from friendships. I mean, it sounds like what you're looking for is exactly what people like me complain about when we get women who're very very close but want to remain just friends.

[Jacklu]

It's... hard to explain. I mean, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't disagree with physical contact, but it is hardly what I am looking for. I would come in a very very very distant forth to what I am looking for. I would be entirely content if the extent to which the relationship got on that front was limited to hugs and the occasional snuggle session. Sadly, there are not many other people who would be content with that. But like I said, I am much more after an emotional connection with somebody. The kind that goes beyond simply friendship... T_T I'm doomed, aren't I?

[Alair Koraius]

Hey, all. I posted a short post a while ago now, thought I'd give a real update, spoilered out of habit.

Spoiler

Show

This Situation:
So, I met this girl at the international student's orientation at my school. She's all the thingas that people like; kind, smart, fun to be around, and to me, there's a bonus piece there. She makes me happy. Since I've moved to this place ,I have felt incredibly depressed every day. I've had near-daily panic attacks, but when I see her face, all of that goes away, and life is fine again. I've indeed developed quite the crush.

The Setup:
So, on my worst day, where everything had gone wrong, I said to myself; "Self," I said, "I'll ask her if she wants to go to the movies. Best case, she says yes, and my day looks 200% brighter, and worst case I get rejected and the day doesn't get any worse."

The News: She said yes, and last night we went to see 9 together. =D

There's more.

The Problem:
Well, I thought what I was asking, is her out on a date, albeit a fairly casual one.
She didn't think so, apparently. I never got up the nerve to ask, but I did make several subtle hand-holding offers, as well as covered the cost admission. (10.50 for one ticket? Really, movie theater? At home it's 7.25...)
But she either didn't pick up on it, or didn't want to. At least I did the gentlemanly thing and walked her to her door, despite it forcing me to wait another half hour for the next bus, when I could have caught the right one straight from the exchange that we had to stop at before she got home, however, I wish I had gotten a hug. Hugs can be between friends.

The Closing: I'm thinking about calling her today or tomorrow, and ask if it was a date. They're SO much better retroactively, anyhow.

[xPANCAKEx]

Jacklu

seems you've created yourself a self forfilling prophecy - just because the type of person you like is rare, that doesn't mean you should ever tell yourself you won't find them or it won't happen as that stops you looking in the first place.

Not looking = no chance
looking = slim chance

the latter obviously has better odds

im not going to lie and say finding someone else will make all your feelings for your friend instantly disapear, but if you go out there and open yourself to the possibility of someone new then life may throw you a few suprises. Getting over someone is no fun, but that shouldn't stop you trying

a stop worrying about losing people as friends - if they're that good a friend, you'll work through the awkwardness and STAY good friends. If they shy away just because they don't have the same feelings as you, they're not really that good a friend in the first place

Alair Koraius

don't ask for a retro-active date, as that may come across as desperate. Show some confidence, call her up and say "hey, i had a great time the other night - do you mind if i take you out again some time on a proper date?"

its assertive, sets boundries, shows assertiveness and whats more, distinguishes the last one as a non-date. It wouldn't sit too well in her mind if the last one was a date and you didn't pluck up the courage to go for a hug or a kiss yourself when thats what you wanted (but you don't need to let her know that) - after all, she may have been waiting for you to make the move.

as you say - worst she can say is no, and then you've lost nothing, and gained further self confidence in your ability to have the courage to ask tough questions (something you should be proud of yourself for by the way!)

[Partof1]

It seems my post was all but missed at the end of the last page, so:

Hi. Me again, if anyone remembers.

Not so much a problem, really, I just feel I need to discuss.

I plan on asking out thisgirl, not sure if she likes me already. We were chatting on Facebook, got talking about a movie we both liked. Afterwards, she says something along the lines of"I guess we have alot of things in common" I didn't say anything to note, but It got me wondering if she does like me.

I'm planning on asing her out soon, just for lunch on a saturday or something, but I haven't gotten the chance. We have no classes together, and I hang out with my friends at lunch (her friends, too, but she has her own close group). When would be a good opportunity to pull her aside to talk to her?

[xPANCAKEx]

It seems my post was all but missed at the end of the last page, so:

as Lappy9000 said - just grab her for 2 seconds before you head off to class. Doesn't have to be a big deal, you don't have to make some big pre-amble or tell her that you like her, just say "hey, can i talk to you for 2 minutes" then ask her out when you don't both have all your friends listening in

alternatively, call her up on the telephone and ask her

have a day in mind when you ask, rather than a "are you free next week" ?

[Partof1]

as Lappy9000 said - just grab her for 2 seconds before you head off to class. Doesn't have to be a big deal, you don't have to make some big pre-amble or tell her that you like her, just say "hey, can i talk to you for 2 minutes" then ask her out when you don't both have all your friends listening in

alternatively, call her up on the telephone and ask her

have a day in mind when you ask, rather than a "are you free next week" ?

Yeah, that was roughly my backup plan. I was just wondering if anyone had any less obvious, better ideas.

[xPANCAKEx]

Yeah, that was roughly my backup plan. I was just wondering if anyone had any less obvious, better ideas.

its usually best to keep things simple. The more complex the plan, the more there is to go wrong with it

Its the K.I.S.S. principle of design being put into action (not to be confused with the rock band of course)

[Tiger Duck]

I'm fairly sure they named them self after the principle, at least that's what my design professors told me

[CrimsonAngel]

Went to a party at the aerodome, left with a headache and a new girlfreind. You may now bestow upon me the 'high fives'.

[Dallas-Dakota]

*high fives*

On me: Damn, I'm just too shy. And insecure. And I'm hiding my shyness to these people by being really open on the surface. And talking to lots of people. Damn it. Why the heck did I think up this way of hiding myself?

[CrimsonAngel]

I'm sure any girl would date the freaking cookie monster. You're a legend! And were the heck is everyone getting the cookie monster shirts at my school?

[Dallas-Dakota]

Yeah...I'm sure not even one of them would like to date me, let alone the one I fancy.

Also profitable business that is.
The cookiemonster shirts, not the being sure that girls don't want to date me.

Heck, if that was profitable business I'd be a trillionair!

[Coidzor]

Well, forcing yourself to open up generally helps erode the shyness.