Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

[Umael]

Neoclassic:

Overweight? Sloppy dresser? Acne?

None of that can wishstand the might of a smart mind, a great personality, and a confident attitude.

I dated someone who really had nothing to complain about when it came to looks, but due to self-esteem issues, even complimenting my lover was like squirting someone with dime-store squirt gun in 100 degree weather (that's about 38 degrees if you want it in Celsius).

Conversely, I've been attracted to a number of people, overweight or not, because they are intelligent. Benjamin Franklin was very popular with the ladies, even as a fat, old, balding man - because he was so intelligent.

If you want to improve your looks because YOU want to improve them, great. If you want to improve your looks by losing weigh because it is healthy, good for you. If you want to make yourself more attractive, develop a strong self-love and a confidence in yourself until you glow.

[snoopy13a]

I guess I don't know what to do. He and I have talked about it, and he doesn't understand why I can't just chill and accept that he likes me fine as I am. I know I can't be the best at everything for him, and that I should be doing things for myself, etc... But that doesn't really sink in. So, I guess I either need tips on how to lose weight and get rid of my acne and deal with ridiculously frizzy hair, or advice on how to calm the hell down.

1) Hair: If your boyfriend hated your frizzy hair then he likely wouldn't have dated you in the first place. Totally unkempt long hair (like you'd see in a homeless man) is a turn off but I haven't heard any male friend or aquantance complain about frizzy hair. Ironically, I have heard complaints about short hair (especially from younger men).

2) Losing weight makes most people more attractive. The only exception is for people who are already at a normal weight who diet and become ultra skinny. There's a little bit of variation in men's taste here. Some men like "a little meat on the bones" while others prefer women on the skinnier side. Few men like ultra skinny women such as those suffering from eating disorders.

In order to lose weight you need to either diet and/or exercise or exercise while eating the same. Either way, you're going to have to burn calories than you eat. Simply exercising may not lead to weight loss as you can eat more to compensate for the calories burnt (Time magazine had a recent cover story on this).

3) Acne: If isn't a big problem then OTC stuff like Noxema, Clearasil, etc could help clear it up. If it heavy acne that is mostly from genetics then you could see a dermatogist about this. I believe that there are drugs that can help clean it up.

[Dragonrider]

For the hair, neoclassic....

( prepare for me to sound like an ad campaign. Also, a little crazy. This might feel counterintuitive, but it WORKS.)

DeeRee's Guide to Frizzy Hair.

Most super-frizzy hair is just curly hair that's been shampooed and brushed to death.

Witness me, circa 2005:

Spoiler

Show

And then now:

Spoiler

Show

I don't know why I look so unhappy in these.

The difference (apart from not being awkwardly 14 anymore) is that I don't brush or shampoo my hair. At all. Ever. It has, as a matter of fact, been three years since either has touched my hair. Instead, I use silicate-free conditioner (reading the labels - anything ending with -cone or -xane is bad; V05, White Rain, and Suave are all usually good). I fill my hair with conditioner, finger-comb it, and squeeze the excess out with my hands - no rinsing, no towel, no comb, no brush. Then I part it with my fingers and put a little bit of clear hair gel in. And try not to touch it while it dries.

....Radical enough?

This is sort of a philosophical huge deal for some people. That web site irks me for that reason, but it's got good tips.

There's nothing "wrong" with frizzy hair, but it's usually a sign of unhealthy hair.


Edit: And on weight loss:

I...have issues with any kind of dieting solely for the purpose of looking better. An overwhelming majority of dieters return to their original weight within five years (I don't have a link for that statistic...but I've read it in several places...).

[Pyrian]

Edit: And on weight loss:

I...have issues with any kind of dieting solely for the purpose of looking better. An overwhelming majority of dieters return to their original weight within five years (I don't have a link for that statistic...but I've read it in several places...).

In What You Can Change and What You Can't, the author concluded that aside from truly morbid obesity, the only valid reason to lose weight was for a short term increase in attractiveness. (Many people cite heart attack risk, but weight loss in general and yo-yo dieting in particular are larger risk factors than simply being a bit heavy.)

So, y'know, I'm hoping to get a lot of sex in the next five years, and go for being one of those few people who manage to keep the weight off. It wouldn't be the first time I've bucked the odds... ("Never tell me the odds!")

[Keld Denar]

A trick to lose a couple relatively quickly.

I dunno what your soda drinking habits are...but stop. Seriously. Cold turkey, give what you have away, and never touch another drop. I did this about 4 years ago now. For the first 6 months, I was losing over 5 lbs a month that I was keeping off. Just from that. No noticable change in my activity level, no other changes in my diet. Every time I had a craving for soda, I'd get a HUGE glass of water. Water is REALLY good for you. It not only hydrates, it flushes unwanted toxins and leftover "stuff" through your body. The good men at the government recommend like, 8 glasses a day, or something like that. Double it. Sure, its kinda a pain in the butt, cause ya gotta pee slightly more than normal, but its REALLY healthy. Soda, on the other hand, even DIET soda (there's an oxymoron), is incredibly bad for you. All of it spikes your insulin levels, encouraging your body to store energy as fat. This is bad. You want to keep that down as much as possible.

Another thing to do is dramatically increase your protein intake. The easiest and cheapest way to do this is protien shakes. Don't buy the pre-fabbed ones like Slimfast or Ensure or whatever. Go to a GNC or similar health suppliment store and buy a big 3# canister of like Chocolate (bout $40-50, or ~$0.40 a shake). Also, buy 1-2 of the 12 oz blender bottles (8-9 dollars each, reuseable), they are amazing and really make a difference. Now, mix up and drink 2 of these a day. The much of the extra protein will be passed through your body, but enough of it will stick. Protien builds muscles. Even the activities you do every day like going up stairs or walking through your house will help. Now, extra protien has some...side..effects...so you might also want to buy a powdered fiber suppliment like Benefiber or similar (bout $6 for enough to last a long time). Mix in 1-2 table spoons with your shake, you won't taste it (heck, I can't even taste it in water).

Lastly, try to do one thing that gets your heart rate up over ~100-120 beats per minute for even a couple minutes. Provided you aren't gonna get in trouble for jumping, something as simple as jumping jacks while watching a TV program is amazing. The program takes your mind off the fact that you are doing physical exercise. Even as little as 5 min of this a day will REALLY help, especially with an increase in protein intake. If you feel like doing more? Great. It'll only help.

If you have some real cash to burn, get a trainer. I'm serious. I was in decent shape, but wanted to improve. I worked out with a trainer 2 days a week and on my own once a week, and I had 6-pack abs in about 6 months. I was paying about $30 for a 1hour session, but he also gave me nutritional advise and the real kicker? I'm freakin paying $30 a session whether I go or not...thats too much money to throw away, so it wasn't hard to motivate myself! No "oh, I'm tired, I'll go to the gym tomorrow". Nope, tired or not, you go and get your butt kicked cause you already paid for it. But really, a pro trainer can kick your ass WAY harder than you can possibly by yourself unless you are INCREDIBLY disciplined, and even then, there's still a great degree of improvement. The cardio workouts I did were so intense, I was dripping sweat in seconds, and he pushed my weight training to a level I didn't think was possible. Trust me, I was skeptical at first, but my first month was AMAZING and I kept up with it until I got the results I wanted. I still went to the gym after I stopped training, but it was more to maintain than it was to improve. It is expensive, but if you can afford it, its SO worth it.

[Dragonrider]

In What You Can Change and What You Can't, the author concluded that aside from truly morbid obesity, the only valid reason to lose weight was for a short term increase in attractiveness. (Many people cite heart attack risk, but weight loss in general and yo-yo dieting in particular are larger risk factors than simply being a bit heavy.)

So, y'know, I'm hoping to get a lot of sex in the next five years, and go for being one of those few people who manage to keep the weight off. It wouldn't be the first time I've bucked the odds... ("Never tell me the odds!")

I guess that's your game to play if that's what you want to do.

(not meaning any cynicism. As long as you know the score.)

[Pyrian]

I guess that's your game to play if that's what you want to do.

(not meaning any cynicism. As long as you know the score.)

Let's just say 2008 was a bit frustrating for me, dating-wise. Thirty pounds down and just two more to go, I'm well past the point of not-a-good-idea-to-return.

[The Neoclassic]

Thanks for all the great advice! I really appreciate it.

My first question for you, Neoclassic, is if you accomplished all those things, would you be satisfied, or would you just find more things to be unsatisfied with yourself about? What's your first, off-the-cuff, instinctive answer?f

I'd be satisfied. Or at least far closer to it.

When the morbidly obese person and the supermodel each complain about their need to lose weight, an objective observer can generally figure that one of them has a point and the other has an altogether different problem.

I'm in the middle. 5'6", 130 lbs. Two years ago, I was 110 lbs. I want to get back down to that weight. I think a month and a half is reasonable to get back down to at least 120 (which is how much time I'm giving myself).

In your particular case, my inclination is to say that you should believe your boyfriend when he tells you he likes you as you are. Because whose opinion of your sex appeal is more important than your significant other's?

I guess. But, still, I feel intimidated knowing that he thinks a lot of other girls are more attractive than me.

If you want to improve your looks because YOU want to improve them, great. If you want to improve your looks by losing weigh because it is healthy, good for you. If you want to make yourself more attractive, develop a strong self-love and a confidence in yourself until you glow.

Easier said than done. I'm smart enough, and fine socializing with people I know, but my boyfriend is very unhappy with me not being comfortable with strangers. And that I have a lowish self-esteem. But those aren't things I know how to fix. My self-confidence is better than it was, but... Still not good enough.

Losing weight makes most people more attractive. The only exception is for people who are already at a normal weight who diet and become ultra skinny. There's a little bit of variation in men's taste here. Some men like "a little meat on the bones" while others prefer women on the skinnier side. Few men like ultra skinny women such as those suffering from eating disorders.

My boyfriend likes huge boobs but a skinny body. Unfortunately, I am not built like that. Not at all. So I'm going to just go for the slender, because I can get closer to that.

In order to lose weight you need to either diet and/or exercise or exercise while eating the same. Either way, you're going to have to burn calories than you eat. Simply exercising may not lead to weight loss as you can eat more to compensate for the calories burnt (Time magazine had a recent cover story on this).

I know that "dieting" doesn't work. The current plan (which I've been sticking to decently) is eating half of my usual sized main dishes. This means a lot less bread, somewhat less meat, less cheese. I make up for some of that with more fruits, vegetables, yogurts, and granola bars. So far, I'm finding that I actually don't get very hungry from it; I think if I keep it up, it might work. I love food though. Intensely. So I'm giving myself two "Calorie-free" days a month where I can eat whatever I want.

Acne: If isn't a big problem then OTC stuff like Noxema, Clearasil, etc could help clear it up.

Yeah, it's not awful. I'll have to pick up some new over-the counter stuff.

For the hair, neoclassic....

( prepare for me to sound like an ad campaign. Also, a little crazy. This might feel counterintuitive, but it WORKS.)

DeeRee's Guide to Frizzy Hair.

Most super-frizzy hair is just curly hair that's been shampooed and brushed to death.

Witness me, circa 2005:

Spoiler

Show

And then now:

Spoiler

Show

I don't know why I look so unhappy in these.

The difference (apart from not being awkwardly 14 anymore) is that I don't brush or shampoo my hair. At all. Ever. It has, as a matter of fact, been three years since either has touched my hair. Instead, I use silicate-free conditioner (reading the labels - anything ending with -cone or -xane is bad; V05, White Rain, and Suave are all usually good). I fill my hair with conditioner, finger-comb it, and squeeze the excess out with my hands - no rinsing, no towel, no comb, no brush. Then I part it with my fingers and put a little bit of clear hair gel in. And try not to touch it while it dries.

....Radical enough?

This is sort of a philosophical huge deal for some people. That web site irks me for that reason, but it's got good tips.

There's nothing "wrong" with frizzy hair, but it's usually a sign of unhealthy hair.

I will have to try that! Wow. Thanks for the suggestion!

I...have issues with any kind of dieting solely for the purpose of looking better. An overwhelming majority of dieters return to their original weight within five years (I don't have a link for that statistic...but I've read it in several places...).

I want to look better. I want to feel better. I don't think I'm crash-dieting, and once I get over my little self-esteem crisis, if I stick to it, I think it'll become a very healthy, natural eating pattern. I was consuming too many calories (especially from sugar and fat), and I hate exercise like the plague, so I wasn't burning any extras off.

I dunno what your soda drinking habits are...but stop. Seriously.

Unfortunately, I only drink soda once a month or so, which is negligible.

Another thing to do is dramatically increase your protein intake. The easiest and cheapest way to do this is protien shakes.

So, diet soda is bad for me, but goodness-knows-what-goes-into-those-things protein shakes are good? More seriously, I am trying to eat more protein (well, in comparison with carbs). I don't think I want to spend the money on protein shakes, or eat whatever odd stuff is in them, but I will try to have more lean meats (those are good, right?).

Lastly, try to do one thing that gets your heart rate up over ~100-120 beats per minute for even a couple minutes.

More exercise, even short-lived. Got it. Does sex count?

If you have some real cash to burn, get a trainer.

I'm a poor college student. I appreciate the suggestion though.


Of course, this still leaves me with "How the heck do I feel comfortable around people who are strangers to me but all know each other when my boyfriend wants to take me to parties with his friends?" The parties do have booze oftentimes, which can be a social lubricant, but he despises the consumption of alcohol! So that option is out.

[THAC0]

I'm in the middle. 5'6", 130 lbs. Two years ago, I was 110 lbs. I want to get back down to that weight. I think a month and a half is reasonable to get back down to at least 120 (which is how much time I'm giving myself).

110 isn't a very healthy weight for someone who is 5'6". I wouldn't go lower than 120.

[The Neoclassic]

110 isn't a very healthy weight for someone who is 5'6". I wouldn't go lower than 120.

My doctor never said it was unhealthy, and I looked awesome. Still had plenty of squish on my thighs and tummy too...

[THAC0]

My doctor never said it was unhealthy, and I looked awesome. Still had plenty of squish on my thighs and tummy too...

Of course, everyone is different, but 5'6" and 110lbs is classified as underweight by BMI.

ETA: If squish is your problem, that will be better addressed by exercise and toning which might actually add weight, muscle being heavier than squish in general.

[Keld Denar]

More exercise, even short-lived. Got it. Does sex count?

YES! Oh god yes. Sex is really good for your heart. The rest of your body...well, that depends a lot on your positions, but mostly not. Still, it does get your heart rate up significantly for a goodly bit of time, depending on circumstances. And its FUN too! I don't think I know anyone who complains about a good roll in the sheets like they do about going to the gym!

As far as the protien shakes. Go to a GNC or other health suppliment store and check out a container. Most of them are either 100% or dang close to 100% whey protein. Its completely natural. And its seriously not that expensive, when you figure it out on a per-shake basis, especially when you compare it to the premade shakes like Slimfast. Its more natural than those too. I'm serious, depending on the quality you buy, you could be paying anywhere between $.15 and $.40 a shake, which is hardly oppressive on any budget. If you buy online, you could probably get even better deals. I'd look some up for ya, but I dunno what country you live in...and my internet is being SUPER slow right now. Really though, a 3# container will last you like, 3 months at 2/day. That means a $30 container is $.16 a shake and a $50 container is about $.27 a shake. One protein shake contains ~ 200g of protein. Whats excess, your body will filter and remove naturally. Make sure you get as close to 100% protien as you can get, because some suppliments are formulated with a lot of extra carbs and fats that you won't need, given your active level.

Of course, this still leaves me with "How the heck do I feel comfortable around people who are strangers to me but all know each other when my boyfriend wants to take me to parties with his friends?" The parties do have booze oftentimes, which can be a social lubricant, but he despises the consumption of alcohol! So that option is out.

So, your BF doesn't like to drink? Or doesn't like you to drink? Or both? Assuming you are of the responsible age, and practice safe habits, he shouldn't force you to not do as you want. If he doesn't partake, thats his own priority (and your boon! sober driver!!!), but he should not dictate what you can and can not do. Maybe this is something you should discuss at some point. It just sounds kinda...controlling. If you feel that partaking in a reasonable amount will help you enjoy yourself, let him know. I mean, if hes gonna take you to a party you'd otherwise not enjoy, he shouldn't have a problem with you taking steps to enjoy yourself. I'm not saying you should get sloppy at the first opportunity, but forbidding you seems a lot harsh.

[Cyrano]

YES! Oh god yes.

I found this very amusing, although I'm not entirely sure if it was intentional.

[snoopy13a]

I'm in the middle. 5'6", 130 lbs. Two years ago, I was 110 lbs. I want to get back down to that weight. I think a month and a half is reasonable to get back down to at least 120 (which is how much time I'm giving myself).


I guess. But, still, I feel intimidated knowing that he thinks a lot of other girls are more attractive than me.


Easier said than done. I'm smart enough, and fine socializing with people I know, but my boyfriend is very unhappy with me not being comfortable with strangers. And that I have a lowish self-esteem. But those aren't things I know how to fix. My self-confidence is better than it was, but... Still not good enough.


Of course, this still leaves me with "How the heck do I feel comfortable around people who are strangers to me but all know each other when my boyfriend wants to take me to parties with his friends?" The parties do have booze oftentimes, which can be a social lubricant, but he despises the consumption of alcohol! So that option is out.

1) You're not overweight. 110 pounds would likely be too unhealthy and it could result in the female marathon runner look which most men do not find attractive.

2) Unless your boyfriend happens to be Brad Pitt or Matt Damon there are plenty of men more attractive than him. Try to remember that as well.

3) The fact that your boyfriend is "very unhappy" about you being uncomfortable around strangers is a red flag to me. Introversion isn't something that can be changed, it is just the way people are. If he can't accept your personality then it is his problem not yours.

4) Reading between the lines about alcohol and the parties is also sending up a red flag for me. I'm getting the impression that you'd like to have a couple of drinks when you go out but don't because of your boyfriend's disapproval.

Secondly, you don't have to regulary socialize with your boyfriend's friends. They are his friends not necessarily yours. Especially as since you still refer to them as strangers that you probably don't have a lot in common with them or like them. Next time he wants to take you to a party with his friends say that you'd rather spend time (by yourself) with one of your friends. He shouldn't have a problem with that as you aren't a party accessory for him. If he does have an issue then that is a huge red flag.

[Renegade Paladin]

Well, to add to the mess that was my situation at the end of the last thread, she discovered today (well, technically yesterday now, I suppose) that she's contracted herpes. I'm glad I resisted now, but damn. We know each other so well that we predict each other's movements (makes fencing against her hard, let me tell you) and finish each other's sentences. I'm doing my best to comfort her, but emotionally she's an absolute wreck right now. I'm doing everything I can, but really, what do you say?

[Keld Denar]

I actually did a TON of research on this when my best friend got herpes. She was pretty torn up too. The good news is, as far as physical symptoms go, herpies is about the least uncomfortable STI. Not that its a walk in the park, but most people seldom have more than 1 outbreak a year, fewer if they are on suppressive therapy. Bigger is the social stigmata. Now, this affects single people more, but you mentioned that shes married. She'll probably have to curb the bulk of her "open marriage" activities, or at least make it known. There are actually pretty sizable communties of people with Herpies looking for other people with Herpies, if you poke around on the interwebs.

But yea...there isn't much you can do other than be there and be supportive. You can't just say "well, it could be worse, it could be AIDs", cause that'll probaby get you stabbed. Especially since she knows her way around the sharps!

My advice, be there, be her friend, offer hugs as required, etc. Just don't get too caught up. I dunno if you are interested in someone else, but it might help if you occupy yourself with the persuit of another. That way, you and her can keep your closeness and she'll know that you are offlimits. Heck, you can even conspire together to get you hooked up. Most women like that kinda thing, and it'll help take both of your minds off her sorrow.

Eventually, shes just going to have to come to acceptance of it. It sucks, but its not that bad. She'll find that herself with time.

[Pyrian]

I'm in the middle. 5'6", 130 lbs. Two years ago, I was 110 lbs. I want to get back down to that weight. I think a month and a half is reasonable to get back down to at least 120 (which is how much time I'm giving myself).

That's too little time. At your weight you shouldn't be shedding more than 1.5 pounds a week, and probably closer to 1. But, also, if there's any catch, if something you try doesn't work, and so on, you'll miss your goal pretty easily, and that's discouraging. Especially when you're playing with "soft" strategies, you need some time to experiment to see what works for you, which might very well be different from what works for other people.

...my boyfriend is very unhappy with me not being comfortable with strangers. And that I have a lowish self-esteem.

He criticizes you for having a low self-esteem? Oh, that's helpful.

My boyfriend likes huge boobs but a skinny body.

Men! Doesn't he know that in nature they grow more or less together? (Random fact: I thought huge breasts were great right up until I had a girlfriend with huge breasts and I found that I didn't really like them so much in practice. Go figure.)

I know that "dieting" doesn't work.

Dieting works if you do it. It's keeping the weight off over the years that's particularly difficult (it requires a lot of determination and exercise).

So, diet soda is bad for me, but goodness-knows-what-goes-into-those-things protein shakes are good?

Diet soda isn't strictly speaking health food, but it's low enough in calories that it's not really comparable to sugary soda at all, nutritionally. Stay away from the protein shakes unless you're (A) going for a true very-low-carbohydrate diet or (B) doing serious weight training.

More exercise, even short-lived. Got it. Does sex count?

It certainly can, but doesn't necessarily.

Of course, this still leaves me with "How the heck do I feel comfortable around people who are strangers to me but all know each other when my boyfriend wants to take me to parties with his friends?"

Buck up and suffer through a few times until you do know them better, I suppose.

[Tiger Duck]

Update:
Talked to the girl, but we have nothing in common. It was embarrassing all around.

[Serpentine]

Um... Am I the only one who perked up at the fact that Neoclassic's boyfriend told her his ex was better-looking and better in bed? That sounds... not good, to me.
And I dislike "dieting" You should have a good diet. Eat well. There's only one "diet" worth worrying about: Plenty of veggies and fruit, some meat (or very good stubstitutes), more fish than, I think, most people eat (or very good stubstitutes) enough carbohydrates to fuel your body, little "bad fat" and processed sugars, and all the stuff you need for all the vitamins, minerals and so on your body needs - all of which, of course, vary from person to person, but the basics are the same. It's not rocket surgery.

The hard bit is sticking to it <.<

Also, 5'6" and 110lb when you thought you looked good, is that right? First of all: The BMI is not very reliable, as it varies with body type and muscle mass and the like. But it is pretty good for generalisations I'm 2 inches taller than you. When I weighed 68kg (~150lb), I was dead-set in the middle of the BMI "healthy weight", and my mother (who a couple of years later told me "You're getting fat!") said I was "slender. If I was 55kg, I would be emaciated. 65kg sounds... maybe a touch on the soft-around-the-middle side of things, depending on your body shape - MAYBE, personally I doubt it - but hardly huge. I'm aiming for between 70 and 75, myself, cuz I've grown since I was 68kg and I've got a bigger bum and boobs.

[Hecktar]

Update:
Talked to the girl, but we have nothing in common. It was embarrassing all around.

Good!

Well, do you feel better knowing that you tried and it didn't work out? Or did you prefer the way you felt before torturing yourself with possibility? Honest question. I am like that too often too, let opportunities go by when I shouldn't but, I've been rejected more than once in the same day! Haha. Doesn't feel very bad at all to me now if it's someone I don't know. Getting rejected by someone you let yourself become attached to, now that still sucks a lot.

Edit: Honestly, also, it's not like you ruined anything. You see her again, talk to her again. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to 'make something of it.' A bad first impression isn't the end of the world unless you let it be.

[Syka]

I caught that too Serp. Going on what you've told us and, admittedly, reading between some lines (both of which can be misleading but definitely aren't always) it doesn't sound like an entirely healthy relationship.

You don't compare lovers, least of all unfavorably to your current lover (and at least not out loud), and while one can make comments one should not imply those comments about physical features make you less attractive than a former lover.

Oz recently mentioned (in an in context conversation) he'd prefers flatter stomachs, but he also recognizes that I'm healthy and even though in theory my body type makes it not that difficult to achieve, in practice that's a bit different, and it would likely take away from the features he loves even more. He didn't make me feel bad about it, unlike my ex who told me he really didn't like my stomach.

Oz phrased it in a positive manner, the ex did not. There is a big difference in it's subsequent effects on self-image.

Not too mention it sounds like you WANT to drink but he's basically forbidden it? Oz also doesn't like drinking, but one reason why he's adament about me not drinking is he knows I don't really want to AND there's a good health reason for me not to without doctors supervision. This is fine with me since, as I said, I don't want to. If he knew I wanted to, we'd have to have a serious conversation regarding our relationship (since after dating me, the first non-drinker, he really doesn't want to deal with dating a recreational drinker again for personal reasons).

And I think you guys do too.

It sounds like either he's not communicating well or that he is a controlling, or has the red flags of being controlling. That is not good. At all. For reals.

As for being more comfortable with strangers, I'd first try baby steps. Like in class, approach someone you don't know about a class topic. Once you are good with that, approach someone at a random spot on campus and strike up a conversation. After some good conversations like that you may be more comfortable joining your boyfriend's friend's conversations.

[Tiger Duck]

Good!

Well, do you feel better knowing that you tried and it didn't work out? Or did you prefer the way you felt before torturing yourself with possibility? Honest question. I am like that too often too, let opportunities go by when I shouldn't but, I've been rejected more than once in the same day! Haha. Doesn't feel very bad at all to me now if it's someone I don't know. Getting rejected by someone you let yourself become attached to, now that still sucks a lot.

Edit: Honestly, also, it's not like you ruined anything. You see her again, talk to her again. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to 'make something of it.' A bad first impression isn't the end of the world unless you let it be.

No honestly I would have preferred saying nothing, cherishing the possibilities and eventually forgetting about her.

[evil-frosty]

Thats interesting Happy you would rather be ignorant? Most people would like to know so that they dont always wonder what if. Maybe the saying ignorance is bliss in this situation? But i have a feeling that it is referring to different types of situations.

[Tiger Duck]

I think I feel this way because mistakes I make stick with me indefinitely but I forget all good things I do eventually. And I forget possibilities even faster.

[Dragonrider]

I'm in the middle. 5'6", 130 lbs. Two years ago, I was 110 lbs. I want to get back down to that weight. I think a month and a half is reasonable to get back down to at least 120 (which is how much time I'm giving myself).

the old adage, which is probably completely wrong, is 5 pounds for every inch over 5 feet (and 100 pounds), which gives 135 as being "normal" for someone of your height. It does vary from person to person - I'm 5'2" and at my lowest "adult" weight of 120, my ribs were visible through my shirt. Icky.

Also: It is normal (and good) for women to gain between 20 and 30 pounds (sometimes more) after puberty. Also soft bits are largely genetic. You may not like it, but it's probably how you're "supposed" to be.

[Keld Denar]

What I'd recommend doing now, or soon, is to sit down and reflect. WHY were things uncomfortable? Did she not look you in the eyes? Did you not look her in the eyes? Did you have trouble finding conversation material? Did you ask her questions about herself? Did she fail to reciprocate? Was she busy at the moment and unable to give you her full attention? These are all things that may have contibuted to a less than desired outcome of the conversation. Try to identify it. Maybe it was something you said that turned her off. Maybe shes just shy.

Plan. Act. Reflect. Analyze. Learn. Grow. Repeat.

[Pyrian]

Talked to the girl, but we have nothing in common.

WHY were things uncomfortable?

Most people would like to know so that they dont always wonder what if.

I used to think if I was just confident enough to talk to women I'd've done a lot better. Now I realize that it mostly just saved me a lot of rejection. ...Would still rather know, though.

[xPANCAKEx]

Neoclassic

i'm gunna have to side with serp and syka here - those comments stuck out for me too. The looks thing - if you're happy with the way you look, then thats going to have to be good enough for him. Only change for yourself.

the "better in bed" thing - if hes not ever offered any constructive advice, made suggestions, or asked you to do anything different, then quite fankly he can shove it. Everyones bedroom routine is different, and different people have wildly different turn ons and turns off. If you wish to progress as a couple then he should be willing to ask you for something if he wants you to try it. You're not psychic after all

Captain Happy

by talking to her, you've not made a mistake. The only mistake you're making is focusing on the negatives, and that you can rectifty. Sure it didn't work out, but it not like its going to cause you life long embarressment. You can beat yourself up about it, but that would be unhealthy.

Look at the positives - you had the guts to talk to a total stranger, not knowing how it would work out, and you've walked away without turning into a jibbering wreck. You can DEFINATELY keep your head held high on this one.

If you still need to let off steam about it, go out with some friends for drinks, hang out, tell them the story of how you made a "total ass of yourself" (literally blow it out of all proportions - make yourself sound like a total clueless - make up spurious lies if you have to - preferably including sharks and exploding monkeys) - just so you can laugh at yourself for a for minutes. Laughing at yourself in such situations for half an our down the pub/round a friends house over a few drinks soon saps away any sense of shame/misplaced guilt you may feel about it. Trust me

Then you'll realise its wasn't that bad,and actually have nothing to worry about, so you'll soon be getting on with things with a new sense of self confidence. so don't let it hold you back, and get on with having fun

[Tiger Duck]

I want to thank everyone in this tread for being so supportive. And all the good advice I've been given.
You're all amazingly awesome peoples. It was embarrassing but now the 'healing' can begin.

[Mr. Mud]

Is it out of reality to ask an SO who else he or she is texting/on the phone with?

Basically, should I be allowed to know ?