Relationship Woes and Advice, Trip to Baator

[Jalor]

*snort* It's already on record that she's had an order against you. In the case of any he said/she said down the line, you'd be boned. It's just that simple. Like I said, I've been unjustly bent over the table by the law before, I know just how little its officers really care to waste time with trivial things like "details". In your shoes, I'd avoid her like she was leper.

I suppose you're right. I pretty much threw myself on the mercy of the court in the first place, because I had a feeling I couldn't escape the order. I do thank Eris every day that she based her case against me off of "stalking" rather than "attempted rape". If those two words actually showed up in a legal proceeding, my life would be ****ed. I don't want to give her an excuse to use them.

[Coidzor]

Except there would be no case for it as you never attempted rape.

The most you did was try to figure out why she was upset with you and suddenly broke off contact with you.

Hell, without some sign of physical violence.... I mean, yeah... the whole rape thing is just a buzzer word to slander you and get you to realize she despises you so.

[Jalor]

story

I'm amazed that I've met, over the Internet, someone who has been called a rapist by a former friend. I think we've talked about this in a more general way before, but now we've both shared the full stories. I'm submitting this to My Life Is Average.

[Keld Denar]

Yea, I nearly had a rape accusal story myself. I was dating a girl (who lived in my apt building...bad idea!) for about 8 months. We had a pretty turbulent relationship (mostly because she thought I was always cheating on her, which I wasn't), but she kept coming back to my apt to sleep with me. Well, I decided finally that that wasn't gonna fly anymore, and I wasn't gonna see her again, even if she threw herself at me again. Well, she flipped out. She started calling me. A lot. I have phone records of 200 missed calls in just a couple hours. She called my work, my parents, and a bunch of people. She sent me text messages saying that she was gonna tell the police that I raped her, saying that she had kept the bed sheets and everything. She was destined to make me "pay" for using her...even though it was mutual and she knocked on my apt door as much as I did hers. I actually contacted the police immediately after she stated that as her intentions, let them know what she had been threatening, and asked them to contact me if anything came accross their desk. I got a call 4 days later, saying that nothing had, and I have a mile high pile of evidence against her if she does actually go to the police, so I'm not too worried any more. Still, looking down the barrel of a rape charge is NOT fun.

I tried to get a restraining order against her, but I've been up at work for the past 3 weeks and apparently you have to appear in court in person (or hire a lawyer) in order to do that. Yea...I fly back to Seattle tomorrow, time to go see if my car has been keyed.

Anyway, the moral of the story is: don't crap where you eat, and back up any conversations you can, you never know when they might keep you outa the pen. Oh, and stay away from psycho jealous ex's!

[shadow_archmagi]

Woe: I havn't got relationship.

Advice: ????

[xPANCAKEx]

Jalor

in future, if you ever bump into her again, avoid any conversation. If you have to, remind her of the restraining order. Just how much have you changed that she can't remember who you are (thats the one thing thats seriously bugged me about all this)

shadow_archmagi

need more data on your current social life, social interestests and relationship prospects to really give you solid advice on that one

as a general rule of thumb:
spend more time with people
meet new people
keep yourself in good shape/appearance

[Serpentine]

That is pretty ridiculous.

I was always able to get good citrus when I lived in Florida.

Maybe you're doing it wrong?

My stepsiblings went to Florida for a year or so and a month or two, respectively, and complained about the lack of good fresh fruit.

On the potential charge of "attempted rape" against Jalor: At least in Australia, even if you're deemed innocent the accusation is still on your record permanently (or for a very long time).
A guy at my school had to go to court on rape charges. Based on rumour and heresay, what I'm pretty sure is fact on the matter is thusly: They got drunk at a party at her house, and ended up in bed together. They had sex at some point (unknown: whether she did so willingly). They were woken in the morning by her mother. Either then or soon afterwards she told her mother he raped her.
What she claimed: He raped her. Duh. Dunno the details of her case.
What the cynics claimed: She told her mother he raped her cuz she didn't want to get into trouble for getting drunk and/or having sex.
What I reckon could have happened: Either she was too drunk to say "no", he was too drunk to notice whether she said "no" or not, or she woke up in the morning with no or incomplete memory of what happened and figured he'd raped her. In any case, it was a whole big ball of idiocy, but no malice.
Anyway, the court decided there wasn't enough evidence to convict him, but it's still on his record.
(Fun fact: This girl's mother's boyfriend was later bashed almost to death by a madman with links to his mental ex wife who accused him of molesting his own children)

Shadow_Archmagi: How old are you? In any case... Don't look for "a Relationship, any Relationship!" Build relationships of various kinds, while being on the look out for someone in particular who you think could make for a good Relationship.

[xPANCAKEx]

interesting in spain they have laws where if you file the charge of rape/attempted rape you can't request the charges to be dropped. This was to prevent pressure from abusive spouses

they also punish those found to be making malicious false claims pretty harshly

[Serpentine]

I think that, in Australia, the victim doesn't necessarily have a choice: if the police believe a crime has been commited, they will prosecute it.
Dr Mum, as all-too-often the doctor on call and therefore the first on the site, used to regularly treat sexual assault victims and thus have to testify in court. I seem to recall these being really hard on her. The lawyers would attack her from all angles, sometimes, as well as having to listen to and repeat all the details of the assault.

[Coidzor]

I'm not sure how we do it, but a girl at my school accused a guy of date rape and the police questioned him but it never went to court. Had to take an extra year due to getting kicked out of the course required for his major that he had with her though.

[Syka]

I'm pretty sure in the US once a rape charge has been brought, at least with statutory rape and such, it has to be persecuted. There was a mom whose 15 year old daughter had sex with an 18 year old or something of the sort and to punish them she took her daughter to the police station and filed statutory rape charges. She later tried to drop the charges but since it had been filed and included a minor, they continued with prosecution.

Needless to say, the mom felt horrible about branding that 18 year old as a sexual predator for the rest of his life.



I also had a guy in high school (ninth grade) who'd I'd known since middle school make some...remarks in a class that got the teacher even pissed at him and offended me greatly. I avoided him after that. Basically, he'd asked for a kiss numerous times then kept trying to hand me money for 'last night' and that sort of thing. Being a normal douchebag high school guy, but overstepping lines.

A few years later just after high school it turned out he was working at a local supermarket and completely didn't recognize me and tried chatting with me. I was polite but I couldn't bring myself to be friendly.

If you had caused her that much discomfort back then, I'm not sure how she could have possibly forgotten you unless you've lost/gained a significant amount of weight or had reconstructive surgery or something?



Note: I'm going to have to pass the baton of RWA off since I'm not sure how much time I'll have for recreational internet anymore. I just started an MBA program and it looks like it's going to kick my ass. Add on working part time (well, full time for the next week, eep!), a family, and a boyfriend- all of whom want attention- it's...going to be interesting. So until further notice I'm going to pass this off. I think a cage match would be an appropriate way of initating the new person. ;)

Just kidding, I figure you guys can handle it on your own and there is no real leader here any way so...have fun and keep the woes to a minimum. I want y'all to be happy.

[Lord Loss]

I nominate Pancake.

[Jalor]

Just how much have you changed that she can't remember who you are (thats the one thing thats seriously bugged me about all this)

I grew about six inches, and my hair went from being short and spiked in the front to looking like Davy Jones from The Monkees. My glasses are a completely different shape and style, and I have much less acne. I used to wear polo shirts and khakis, and I now wear black jeans and black t-shirts of classic rock and metal bands. I went from looking a couple years younger than I am to looking a couple years older. Relatives that haven't seen me since I moved also have trouble recognizing me. The only thing that still looks the same is my enormous nose, and even that has maybe a fourth of the acne it did then.

I also carry myself differently and speak differently. I used to be hyperactive and talkative, now I look like I'm stoned most of the time and speak slowly. My voice doesn't crack anymore, and speaking slowly means my voice sounds deeper. I'm also much snarkier.

I'm basically a totally different person.

[Umael]

I'm basically a totally different person.

Sounds like you blossomed into quite a looker too.

(Just take that as a compliment and please don't read anything into it.)

[xPANCAKEx]

I nominate Pancake.

flattered but NEIN!!!

one of the major joys of this thread is EVERYONE is welcome to dish out advice, be it regular or a total newcomer whos never asked for advice before. Its anarchy, but it works... although none of us will ever have a hat as nice as pyrians.

i meerly post a lot because im online far too often and have this thread subscribed... curse you internet addiction!

so syka - you'll have a hard time handing over that batton when everyones already carry their own already but do be sure to swing by and dish out your insights as time permits

[Keld Denar]

... curse you internet addiction!

I commend you, my friend. The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one!

See? This advice shindig is totally easy! :P

[xPANCAKEx]

I commend you, my friend. The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one!

i can quit any time i want to

[Lamech]

She sent me text messages saying that she was gonna tell the police that I raped her,

Err... leaving an electronic trail of your threats. Not a good idea when planning on false accusations.

[Coidzor]

Yeah. Always fun, that.

Hmm. Pancake for Emperor of Relationships and God of Unrequited Lust.

Hmm. Great, now I have a DnD deity being formulated in my head....

[xPANCAKEx]

Yeah. Always fun, that.

Hmm. Pancake for Emperor of Relationships and God of Unrequited Lust.

Hmm. Great, now I have a DnD deity being formulated in my head....

i'd like to see the domain spell list for that...

[Coidzor]

It would probably incorporate both Bigby's Groping Hand and Bigby's Restraining Order.

And of course, Book of Erotic Fantasy.

[skywalker]

Note: I'm going to have to pass the baton of RWA off since I'm not sure how much time I'll have for recreational internet anymore. I just started an MBA program and it looks like it's going to kick my ass. Add on working part time (well, full time for the next week, eep!), a family, and a boyfriend- all of whom want attention- it's...going to be interesting. So until further notice I'm going to pass this off. I think a cage match would be an appropriate way of initating the new person. ;)

Just kidding, I figure you guys can handle it on your own and there is no real leader here any way so...have fun and keep the woes to a minimum. I want y'all to be happy.

We'll miss you SOOOOOOOO much!

flattered but NEIN!!!

one of the major joys of this thread is EVERYONE is welcome to dish out advice, be it regular or a total newcomer whos never asked for advice before. Its anarchy, but it works... although none of us will ever have a hat as nice as pyrians.

+1

It always seemed like it was Syka's thread, and she of course is a very well respected voice, but I like that there is not a designated... "leader" around here, especially since the best advice frequently comes from debate... I think some other threads around here suffer from a bit of... deference to the "leader" of the thread, and that's not a good thing.

Plus pancake and I frequently disagree so if he is in charge, I might get kicked out!

[Coidzor]

I think it was mostly about who would get the dubious honor of making sure to that there's a thread made as necessary.

I think the rest of it was just jocularity.

[Syka]

I think it was mostly about who would get the dubious honor of making sure to that there's a thread made as necessary.

I think the rest of it was just jocularity.

This, pretty much. Haha. Some people have 'deferred' to me or asked me if they can join in or some such but even I don't feel like I have that "power". Just up until this thread, I've been the one to make the new ones and I don't know if I'll be around often enough to keep doing that. I can still pop in for advice, just not near as much.

As seen by the fact I was tardy with this thread, lol. So someone needs to take over that. Even if it's just "whoever gets to it first".

[Coidzor]

Indeed. Some sort of code for how to go about that is nice. Helps avoid nasty feelings cropping up later on down the line.

[xPANCAKEx]

Im pro "who ever is there at the time" - its not a race, no is their any status or benifits from being the one who did it

i just saw the last thread was coming to 50 pages, so made a new one, copied and pasted in the relevant stuff.. no biggy :)

[Hannes]

So.

I'm in a relationship, three months. My girlfriend and I are getting along just fine, but sometimes it just feels that I'm not interesting enough or something, because I feel I'm not getting enough attention. It might be just me, though...

Also, when in the presence of friends, I feel that their jokes are fringing too much on the edge of flirting. This tends to unnerve me a bit. It might just be my natural paranoia and seeing things as they actually aren't, but meh.

So my question is: how could I talk to her about this? What to say? I've thought of many things, but I just can't figure out the way.

NB: However it may sound and look like, I still love her unconditionally and believe (hope, at least) that she feels the same way.

[Pyrian]

Hannes, off-hand, it really sounds like you're just feeling insecure. If that's the case (and I'm not certain it is but it's hard to judge from my perspective) then you're best off not expressing it to her if you can possibly hold it in! Insecurity and its children, jealousy and possessiveness, are not attractive traits.

Lack of attention: It's particularly hard for me to get much perspective on this; I don't know how much attention you're getting versus how much you want, and what else is going on in her life. As such, it's impossible for me to judge whether your desire is fundamentally reasonable or not. Heck, I'm not even entirely clear on what you mean by "attention" in this case. Certainly you could ask if it's possible to spend a little more time together, just the two of you, especially if you make it clear you're willing to negotiate about what that would mean.

Flirting: It really sounds like you're overreacting, here. Jokes which are kind of maybe crossing the line into flirting? Get over it. People do that. Heck, people flirt outright completely innocently on a regular basis. If you can't deal with that sort of thing it's going to wreck your relationships for the entire rest of your life.

[skywalker]

Im pro "who ever is there at the time" - its not a race, no is their any status or benifits from being the one who did it

i just saw the last thread was coming to 50 pages, so made a new one, copied and pasted in the relevant stuff.. no biggy :)

+1

I thought (think) the drama over who gets to start our variety of threads is a bit silly. It will be fine whoever does it. Sometimes the person isn't around, and I think it's silly to say "I have to be here at this time in case we need a new thread" which is what you would have to do to fulfill your obligation appropriately.

[Dracomorph]

stuff

Mostly as Pyrian said, except for one thing: it's alright to say "I'm feeling insecure, and could use some reassurance." every once in a while. Any person worth their salt would respond with reassurances. Most people go through occasional phases of insecurity. [/stating the obvious]

If you are feeling insecure more often than once in a while, then it is a problem with you, not her, and not with outside forces. You should be used to it if it happens more than once in a blue moon.

Pyrian is a smart person. Listen to him, and his hat will guide you well.