Relationship Woes and Advice - X (but not the factor)

[xPANCAKEx]

Originally Posted by Syka
Well...After the confession thread, I saw way too many "what do I do in this situation" threads popping up, so here is one nice compendium. Come here to post questions about how to approach the opposite sex, the dread first date and, should you be in a relationship already and fairly certain they don't read Giant, a place to complain/seek advice about a current flame.
...
The biggest bit of advice I've seen bandied around is the truest- no matter what else is true about the situation, always be yourself. It's no good to act like someone else, because eventually the true you will come out and the other person will not be happy you hid that from them.

Rules Of Relationships:
#1- Communicate. If you can't talk with your partner, it's probably not going to work.

#2- Be yourself. Admittedly, if you have some really bad habits you should probably try to change them, but be honest about who you are. No one wants to find out they were loving a lie, and no one likes to live a lie (...well, normally).

#3- Accept your partner. In mine, and other people's, experience you have to be able to accept your partner as they are, because they probably won't be able to change. Also, don't change drastically for someone. I've tried it, my friends have tried it, it doesn't work and it doesn't end pretty.

#4- Hints. Do. Not. Work. Or they might, but the chance of that happening is limited. Some people are like me and just utterly oblivious unless it is blatantly stated, others are (also like me) and don't want to assume, and yet others don't care. You won't know which they belong to unless you actually spell out your intentions and/or feelings. I would consider this a corrolery to Rule #1 except that it comes up so often. Do NOT assume someone should know something from hints. Hints, by nature, are subtle. Clue Bats/Crow Bars/Mack Trucks are not. Try hitting them with one of those. ;) (No, not literally. I mean be upfront if you are trying to get someone to know something.)

RULES. YOU READ THESE.
-Anything of a sexual nature, please PM to either myself or one of the regular advice givers. If you just want general opinions post something like: "I have this problem, but it is not board appropriate. Could one of you guys PM me?" I know from experience that you will in fact get help.

-KEEP IT NICE. Disagreements are bound to happen, but please don't be rude.

-Joking is all fun and games, within reasons. Please do not get derogatory.

I decided to put this up because, evidently, it was not apparent that these should be followed. I do not want this thread to be scrubbed again, and we were blessed to get it back.

so please - play nice, and if you're not comfortable talking about things over the open board, PM one of the regulars (too many to mention), and im sure they'll be willing to lend an ear - or if you're not sure who to PM, post asking for someone to PM you, and you'll soon get a response

previous thread

there have been a few other rules suggested in the course of the threads. Anyone with any suggestions for rules 5, 6, 7 etc just post em up, and if the consensus is they're solid points, i'll edit them into this list so they get carried over to future threads

[Syka]

...I think we need to revise the opening post, lol. It's been 3 years since RWA started, and I don't think it's gotten any significant overhaul since then.

It certaintly outlived the confession thread, that's for sure.


Omg I can't believe this is the 10th incarnation...

[CoffeeIncluded]

...Uhm...Since it was at the end of a thread, should I repost my problem or not? (I don't want to seem like an attention whore or anything.)

[Quincunx]

#5: Don't be That Guy (or That Girl). If you don't actually speak love to the person whom you say you love, you should reconsider if you have any claim upon their love. It's disrespectful to build a fantasy life around someone who knows nothing of it, and disrespectful to shove them head-first into that fantasy instead of getting to know them, and what they really want, better.

(Methinks I botched the second sentence of that--it headed a page late-ish in RW&A IX and was better-phrased there.)

[Umael]

...Uhm...Since it was at the end of a thread, should I repost my problem or not? (I don't want to seem like an attention whore or anything.)

No, a simple post that linked to your aforementioned problem would probably do just fine.

As to your situation, the answer's been said before. Take it slow, be careful, but just spend some time together.

Good luck.

[Koury]

Spoiler

Show

Plain White T's - Hate (I Really Don't Like You)

You were everything I wanted.
You were everything a girl could be.
Then you left me brokenhearted,
Now you don't mean a thing to me.
All I wanted was your
Love, love, love, love, love, love.

Hate is a strong word,
But I really, really, really don't like you.
Now that it's over
I don't even know what I liked about you.
Brought you around,
And you just brought me down.
Hate is a strong word,
But I really, really, really don't like you.

I really don't like you...

Thought that everything was perfect,
Isn't that how it's supposed to be?
Thought you thought that I was worth it,
Now I think a little differently.
All I wanted was your
Love, love, love, love, love, love.

Hate is a strong word,
but i really, really, really don't like you.
Now that it's over
I don't even know what I liked about you.
Brought you around,
And you just brought me down.
Hate is a strong word,
But I really, really, really dont like you

Now that it's over,
You can't hurt me.
Now that it's over,
You can't bring me down.

All I wanted was your
Love, love, love, love, love, love.

Hate is a strong word,
But I really, really, really don't like you.
Now that it's over
I don't even know what I liked about you.
Brought you around,
And you just brought me down.
Hate is a strong word,
But I
Really
Really
Really dont like you

Ignore me for the most part. I sing. Its something I do.

Not well, but when has that ever mattered?

[Syka]

So...I found out last night my mom has a date!

Well, she actually may have two dates (with different guys), but only one is confirmed. This is Big News. She hasn't dated in years and years. The last guy I remember was when I was, like, 13 or something. It's not for a lack of male interest- there's been plenty of that- she wasn't interested, though. Between raising two young girls and going to school and then dealing with hurricanes and car accidents and all, the last decade has been quite tumultuous and not quite right for 'dating'.

I'm just super excited because SHE'S excited. Keep your fingers crossed that, even if this ain't it, that she has a good time with dating in general.

[Aedilred]

Good for your mum. Hope all turns out well for her (and you).

Also, a little late, but thanks to everyone who offered advice on my predicament in the last thread. The problem isn't solved, obviously (since it's not really in my power to affect), but I feel more confident about my position in the whole mess. I just have to hope that they can both be grown-ups about it now, really.

[Zeb The Troll]

@Syka - Hooray for mum! *crosses fingers for*

[Shadowbane]

Will be thinking of your mum tonight, Syka.

[Koury]

I...

You...

You know what, never mind.

[loopy]

I...

You...

You know what, never mind.

My thoughts exactly.

[sudonym13]

Long time lurker first time caller. So here is my story I suck at talking to women, like really suck at it. I have almost no confidence and always assume they are not interested in me. Mentally I know that it's illogical to assume that all girls are not interested in me but I just do.

I'm 19 years old and I haven't so much as kissed a girl. I was a bit of a loser in school more the fade into the background kind then the picked on kind but still squarely in the loser category. I moved around a lot and I didn't have an abundance of friends so I didn't have much confidence.

I remember a few times in 7th or 8th grade that some girls told me that a friend of theirs had a crush on me. At the time I assumed they were being mean and making fun of me and this slightly nerdy friend of theirs by getting me to think she had a crush on me. Looking back on it it's most likely that was true seeing as I was chubby and had a bad haircut, but a small part of me wonders if she might have really had a crush on me.

She had a lot of friends and was cute but in a nerdy bookish way. So it isn't completely out of the realm of possibility that she had a crush on me.

So I am wondering if it would be totally weird of me to look her up on facebook 6 years later and ask if she really had a crush on me or if her friends were making fun of her.

[Serpentine]

Quit talking to women like you're talking to women, start talking to women like you're talking to people.

Also, looking her up and striking up a conversation is fine. Maybe wait for a conversation or two before bringing the crush rumour up, though, unless it naturally comes up in conversation, in which case it's fine.

[sudonym13]

I can talk to them but only as a friend. It just wont click in my brain that they would be interested in me so I never make a move and I end up being an acquaintance or if I'm lucky a friend. I know it's crazy but it's just how my brain works. A girl would practically have to jump on me for me to assume otherwise and somehow that has never happened.

[Coidzor]

Well, you're not supposed to know that they're interested in you before you make your move. That's part of why it's called making a move rather than falling into bed with one another.

It identifies whether they're interested at all and whether they're keen on plumbing the depths of their interest.

[Umael]

I recommend concentrating on improving your self-confidence, even if that means you have to work to improve yourself in order to give yourself self-confidence. Overweight? Make a goal to lose 10 pounds in 10 weeks through diet and exercise. Think there is nothing interesting you can do? Pick a skill, an art, a hobby, something you will enjoy and can tell people about it - then work on it.

Too shy? Make a point of making friendly as you pass by with strangers. Start by always smiling, or always saying hello. Give a cheerful comment or a quick compliment to someone. If the idea of talking to strangers freaks you out, talk to people you know that way.

You might be surprised how far a sunny smile and a "you look nice today" might go towards making someone else feel good - and usually making someone else feel good makes the original person feel good too, and that creates confidence.

Cultivate yourself into someone you want to be, someone you think will be interesting and engaging to be around.

Believe me, this goes a long way towards making yourself available and attractive and willing to ask a girl out - and believing that you have a good chance she'll say yes.

[Aedilred]

sudonym: It sounds like you're very similar to how I was at your age around girls. If you don't have that confidence it can be very difficult; I sympathise.

Quit talking to women like you're talking to women, start talking to women like you're talking to people.

This is pretty good advice, as it helps to overcome the embarrassment factor. If you're after a serious relationship, there's no real point in "acting up" to try to impress girls anyway, as they'll soon discover the truth. I will add a word of caution, though- I tried a similar approach and it worked very well for forming platonic relationships with girls, but only later did I discover that my manner led them to believe I wasn't interested in them romantically. Not being very good at flirting and the like, and because I was making such an effort to treat them as ordinary people, as I might any of my other friends, I obviously wasn't giving off the right signals.

In this case, though, there's no reason why you can't have your cake and eat it. Carry on with the advice as above, just make sure that if you do find someone in whom you're interested and you get on with, you actually ask them out. The signals can be hard to read, but by no means assume they're not interested unless it's really obvious- they're going out of their way to avoid you, they already have a boyfriend, etc.. After all, they may be just as shy as you are, or think that you're not interested. Unless you get lucky and a mutual friend decides to take matters into his own hands (this happened to me) then one of you is eventually going to have to make their intentions plain if anything's going to go anywhere- and it's usually the guy who's expected to do so, sorry.

In all honesty, though, it's not something that can be taught, it's something that has to be learned by everybody individually through many cases of heartache and rejection... It's worth it in the end, though, I promise, and once you have the confidence that success brings, you'll find it a lot easier in future, too.

[xPANCAKEx]

sudonym13

the lovely serp had it right on talk to them like people

interest, be it sexual or romantic, or both - definately both for a healthy relationship - do not change a girl whos a friend into this terrorfying being who will crush your spirit*... but it does open up the potential to make them an awesome friend. And thats all a relationship is. An awesome friendship. And i do mean "awesome" in the proper usage of the word.

so take it down off the pedistal you've put it on. Sure theres risk involved, and you may get a few feelings hurt along the way** but thats part of it. With the risk comes the potential for great reward.

I think Umael offered some good points. You won't accept the possibility of other people liking you until you like yourself. While theres nothing wrong with being shy if theres other things you dislike about the way you look, then change them. Its as simple as that. Im not saying its easy, but it is simple.

*sometimes this does happen - but you survive. Sometimes it takes a while to deal with it, but you do survive, and eventually meet someone new and rad along the way. So never give up.
**see point *. Its not always that bad. 'Getting hurt' can range from mild annoyance, to having to entirely rebuild your ego. But putting yourself on the line when the other person is worth the risk makes a relationship so much more rewarding.

as for the girl/facebook stalking.... i'd let the past be the past on that one. Trying to dredge up old memories from a girl you knew 6 years ago (which i take it you don't still have any contact with), in the vague hope that she once had a crush on you will probably do more harm than good to be honest. You can't be too caught up on all that baggage, else you'll never move onto new and exciting things.

[The Duke]

Long time lurker first time caller. So here is my story I suck at talking to women, like really suck at it. I have almost no confidence and always assume they are not interested in me. Mentally I know that it's illogical to assume that all girls are not interested in me but I just do.
.

Note: short little story before advice is handed out.

You seem I myself was/is in a similar situation, not so much the talking, but anything even remotely romantic, flirting etc. However I've found that it doesn't hurt to practice, particularly when there is no real stress, so what I do is I'll flirt with some of my male friends most of them assume I'm just joking around. So there is very little actual pressure and you get around the whole having trouble talking to girls trouble until you've built up some confidence. When you feel ready then you can approach the situation with more confidence. Well, it might not work quite the same way for you, as some people I imagine would find it even harder to flirt with another guy. But hey if you think it'll help might be worth a shot.


Disclaimer: of course this all depends on the general atmosphere of the people around you, if they are extremely homophobic I would suggest avoiding such an approach. However if you ham it up a little with funny voices etc. People are more likely to know that your are joking.

Of course my experience may be different from yours as most of the people I hang out with do drama, or musical theatre.

EDIT: Given what you've said in your post I'm not going to assume you have trouble speaking with them so much. As you have said you just assume they aren't attracted to you. However if you actually have trouble speaking to them without worrying about attraction and romance I'd say serpentine has it dead on.

[Quincunx]

sudonym: That regret of not knowing, that desire to do anything to ameliorate the uncertainty, has eaten into you for years? Good. This means you will do anything to avoid inflicting similar years of pain onto the one you love, even at the cost of frying yourself in the nine hells by suggesting dating to her (subject to #4, "Hints. Do. Not. Work.", above).

The Duke: While that sounded fairly friggin' bizarre on the first reading, with more passes I think you've stumbled onto another way out of the comfort zone there. Well done!

[Castaras]

"Hints. Do. Not. Work."

This. At least, it certainly does with me and other girls I know. You have to hit some girls with a brick or more to get them to notice that you fancy them.

[Umael]

This. At least, it certainly does with me and other girls I know. You have to hit some girls with a brick or more to get them to notice that you fancy them.

Why just say this about girls? Guys are probably worse.

[Castaras]

Why just say this about girls? Guys are probably worse.

Seeing as I do not have the prerequisite parts to be a guy, I can't give much of an opinion on Guys.

[Pyrian]

I've had hints work, both to and from me. 'Course, they were not, by and large, subtle by any stretch of the imagination but the point usually got across. Different people are different, though. I've also seen people wade through extremely thick hints with near-total obliviousness.

[Umael]

Seeing as I do not have the prerequisite parts to be a guy, I can't give much of an opinion on Guys.

You've never observed the oblivious nature that is the Y-chromosome? You've never heard another girl rant about how that guy "totally wasn't picking up the hints"? You've never asked a guy, point-blank, if he was being deliberately obtuse?

Then again, from my viewpoint, I find that the differences between men and women are much smaller than they appear. What's true for women is often just as true for men.

[Castaras]

You've never observed the oblivious nature that is the Y-chromosome? You've never heard another girl rant about how that guy "totally wasn't picking up the hints"? You've never asked a guy, point-blank, if he was being deliberately obtuse?

Then again, from my viewpoint, I find that the differences between men and women are much smaller than they appear. What's true for women is often just as true for men.

Nope, Yep (only a few days ago though... mate has a real creep fancying her who just won't leave her alone despite the fact she's said "No, I don't like you."), nope.

Second part is indeed true. But so often people assume girls can always pick up hints. It's less hassle and pain to just go up to a girl and say "I like you. Wanna @!%£?" rather than trying to use hints.

[CoffeeIncluded]

You've never observed the oblivious nature that is the Y-chromosome? You've never heard another girl rant about how that guy "totally wasn't picking up the hints"? You've never asked a guy, point-blank, if he was being deliberately obtuse?

The funny thing about that is that the guy to whom I just confessed my feelings towards had suspected this for some time.

Me on the other hand...Let's just say I'm bad with social situations.

[Koury]

And I assume that "@!%£" means "date"?

After all, its against forum rules to use symbols to cover curse words.

[Umael]

Nope, Yep (only a few days ago though... mate has a real creep fancying her who just won't leave her alone despite the fact she's said "No, I don't like you."), nope.

Two negatives, one (recently) positive?

Second part is indeed true. But so often people assume girls can always pick up hints. It's less hassle and pain to just go up to a girl and say "I like you. Wanna @!%£?" rather than trying to use hints.

...very true.

And I'm shutting up 'lest I get in trouble.