2000 things I'm not allowed to do in an RPG

[Wookieetank]

3052: The somatic component for Finger of Death is not giving the enemy the finger.

3053: Bigby's Grasping Hand cannot grasp concepts.

3054: No more Half-Celestial, Half-Fiend, Half-Dragon enemies.
3054a: Especially if the base creature is a Half-Elf and Half-Orc.

Fixed that for ya

3054a. As a player or DM if my character/NPC/monster is less than 1/4 anything due to the number of Half-whatevers, it is instantly percived as an abomination and will be hunted down and killed as such.

3055. As a wizard, am not allowed to create abominations and claim that they are creative "flesh golems"

3056. In fact I'm no longer allowed to play half anything.

[EagleX16]

3057: No, Sam, you can't name your elf Legolas. And no, your elf can't be a fighter with a bow. Ever. Actually, none of your elves can have bows.
3058: No, your elf can't be named Elrond, either. Actually, you can't play elves at all anymore. Or half elves.

[Hexalan]

3059. I am not allowed to ask what "Core" means.
3060. I can't join a game where the shtick is "Core only", then ask if I can use 12 different sources.
3060a. I can't do the above, then use 12 different sources anyway.
3061. Book of Vile Darkness/Exalted Deeds do not count as core just because they are mentioned in the DMG.
3062. Pathfinder is not "the other 3.5".
3063. CoC is not "the other Pathifnder".
3064. 4e is not "the other CoC".
3065. I cannot convince all the players in my party to create male human barbarians all named Spartacus.
3066. I cannot make something up ridiculously overpowered, then convince the DM that it was from an anonymous homebrew I found on the internet.
3067. I cannot make a male goblin multiclass fighter/rogue/cleric/barbarian/paladin/monk/wizard/sorcerer/bard/ranger/druid named Senor Vorpal Kickasso.
3068. I can't get Weapon Proficiency (Furniture).
3069. Not being able to rhyme or wink is not a valid character flaw.
3070. I am not allowed to be a half stone golem.
3071. I am no longer allowed to read Goblins.
3072. I can't encourage friends new to DnD to be Elven Barbarians or Half-Orc Wizards.
3073. I can't make the Sphinx's Riddle "How do magnets work?".
3073a. or Are you smarter than a fifth grader?
3073b. or Doctor Who?
3073c. or How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
3073d. or Is the answer no?
3074. I can't make riddles anymore.
3075. If I make NPCs walking around but forgot to actually have them do anything, I can't make them say "Patrolling the Mojave almost makes you wish for a nuclear winter."
3075a. "I used to be an adventurer like you, but then I took an arrow to the knee."
3075b. "We won't go quietly, Legion can count on that."
3075c. "Ave true to Caeser."
3075d. "Come to Mick and Ralph's for all your shopping needs!"
3076. I can't take off all my clothes and try to use "Sexiness" as a weapon.
3076a. Especially if my character is female.
3076b. Especially if my character is a female nymph.
3076c. Especially if my character is a female troll.
3077. "Too sexy for my shirt" is not a valid character flaw.
3077a. Even if my character is female and has 18 charisma.
3077aa. Even if it is literal.

[PurityIcekiller]

XD I had a bard in my party who did that.

Great, punning minds think alike!

3078: The existence of Awakened animals does not imply the existence of Obeyer or Taker animals.
3079: Grappling hooks do not give an actual bonus on grapple checks.
3080: I may not take levels in Dashing Swordsman, especially if my character is a kobold.
3081: Craft (Love) is not a skill.

[rewinn]

3082: I am no longer allowed to use Time Stop to assemble world-ending supercritical quantities of transuranic isotopes. Even though it seemed like a good idea at the time.

[Balmas]

3083: Weapon Proficiency (Enemies) is not a real feat.
3084: Dual-wielding enemies is right out.
3085: No matter how good a bluff check I roll, the merchant will not believe that the dead parrot is anything but.

[Cieyrin]

3078: The existence of Awakened animals does not imply the existence of Obeyer or Taker animals.

3085. No, I may not homebrew and play a Shaper.
3086. The Geneforge does not exist.
3087. There are no canisters for my absorption.
3088. No thorn batons for my use, either.

[newBlazingAngel]

3089) I am not to write my own players manual.

[Kelvin360]

3090: My mallet-wielding druid cannot summon moles.
3091: My halfling does not gain any benefits from eating mushrooms, no matter how rockin' his mustache is.
3092: My paladins cannot all be stereotypical stoners.
3093: My warforged cannot have names entirely in binary.
3093a: ESPECIALLY if the name turns out to be 'Dave'. Every time.
3094: Witty one-liners have to actually be one line. I am not allowed to explain every nuance of it mid-battle to my nemesis.
3094a: ESPECIALLY if we're playing CoC and I tell the DM that this requires a SAN check.
3095: Puns can only do physical damage if they actually give the DM a migraine.
3096: I'm not allowed to give the DM any more migraines.

[The Succubus]

3097. I am now formally banned from the Homebrew section after attempting to create a magic item "Orbs of Beguilement". I got as far as three pages before anyone caught on. >:)

[Karoht]

3098: I do not own, nor am I permitted to own, a Banana Guided Autonomous Monkey Device, or BaGAMD.
This especially includes any time I have a primate for an animal companion or familiar or cohort or any other time one of my characters has access to a monkey and/or bananas.

[Grue Bait]

3090: My mallet-wielding druid cannot summon moles.

3090a: This includes the small, fuzzy mammal as well as anything of Avogadro's number.
3090b: No matter how funny, this applies doubly to a mole of moles.

[newBlazingAngel]

3099) Fighting the DM for power is wrong.

[Xerinous]

3100: The Trapfinding ability does not grant an automatic spot check to notice a man disguised as a woman.

[mattsdelf]

3101: As Dungeon Master, I am not allowed to base my loot off of the magic item creation page in the Dungeon Master's guide; Giving my party magic items with the power of lesser artifacts.

3102: If we are entering a dungeon where the primary enemy is undead, I cannot make a cleric with a charisma of 4.

[Markadelf]

3103: My rouge cannot be a tea-bandit.

[PurityIcekiller]

3103: My rouge cannot be a tea-bandit.

3104: My rouge cannot be overpowdered.

3105: Control Water is not the solution to everything.
3106: I do not have weapon proficiency with chess pieces.
3107: I may not have Snuggles as my animal companion no matter how high my druid level is.

[Jester of Doom]

3108: My Favored Soul/Risen Martyr cannot be named "Bryan."
3108a: Nor can he be named "Bwyan."
3109: I may not make a divine spellcaster who worships themselves as their Patron Deity.
3110: Meteor Swarm does not deal bonus damage against dinosaurs.
3110a: Neither does Melf's Minute Meteors.
3111: I am not allowed to play as an amnesiac changeling with Multiple Personality Disorder.
3112: After rescuing the princess, I cannot simply ransom her myself.
3112a: Especially if I'm playing as a paladin.
3113: A paladin's "special mount" ability gives you a magical animal suitable for riding, and cannot be misconstrued in any way.
3114: If the DM says that 2+2=5, there can be no dissagreement on that matter.
3115: When the DM asks how my Warlock gets his Invocations, my response cannot be "by being awesome."

[NPC White Mage]

3116: I am not allowed to "Summon Bigger Fish"
3117: I am not allowed to seduce the Cleric
3118: I am not allowed to seduce the enemy
3119: I am not allowed to seduce anyone for any reason.
3120: I am not allowed to have an angry badger on a stick as a weapon
3121: I am not allowed to but a bee hive in a bag and use it as a grenade
3122: I cannot, under any circumstance, make a "The Princess Bride" joke, under penalty of physical pain
3123: The above applies for Monty Python as well

[PurityIcekiller]

...Uh, that's not quite right.

3225: In a modern setting, my half-elf character may not drive a hybrid.
3226: Player/character separation is not a flaw I can take.
3227: My ranger's favoured enemy cannot be "the rest of the party".

[Kelvin360]

3108: My Favored Soul/Risen Martyr cannot be named "Bryan."
3108a: Nor can he be named "Bwyan."

3108b: Is he is named Bryan, he must be introverted and low-key, especially when under the effects of a 'bless' spell.

3228: Dropping squirrels from orbit is not an instant kill against whoever they hit.
3228a: Doing the same with dragons is, though.
3229: The DM doesn't care if I get every epic level mage in a hundred-mile radius to add spellcraft checks to the ritual OR how many Gods owe me favors; I can't use the Epic Spell 'rocks fall, everyone dies'.
3230: I can cast 'Nailed to the sky', but only during daylight hours.
3230a: If I somehow subvert this rule, and there is a full moon out, I cannot cast it while shouting 'I BANISH YOU TO THE MOOOOOOOOON'.
3231: If we're on the elemental plane of fire, suggesting we solve all our problems with 'MORE FIRE' does not get me a bonus to diplomacy checks vs. the inhabitants.
3231a: It'll make everyone and their brother unfailingly hostile on the elemental plane of WATER, though.
3232: 'I only memorized it once' is not a valid excuse for not saving the party with a spell that could easily target everyone.
3232a: ESPECIALLY not 'Water Breathing'.
3233: Even a cleric/druid of the storm god can't summon lightning strikes underground.
3234: I cannot subvert the above by convincing the Transmuter to create a spell that turns the dungeon roof into copper.
3234a: Random holes above our heads to the surface are fair game.
3235: Do not poke the gelatinous cubes while giggling like a simp!

[AgentofHellfire]

3236: I am not allowed to put "Bestow Curse" or "Mark of Justice" on party membrs to ensure their loyalty.
3236a: I may not go through my fellow Wizard party members' spellbooks and tear out any pages displaying the spells "Dispel Magic", "Remove Curse", "Break Enchantment"...you get the idea...so that when I put the aforementioned spells on them, they can't do anything about it.
3236b: I am especially not allowed to tell them none of this, and replace their torn-out and/or erased pages with pages that look similar enough but in fact contain some cleverly hidden errors, so they won't try to remove my contigencies in case they betray me.
3236c: No, I may not instead put Arcane Marks on their spell component pouches (or the Clerics' Holy Symbol) , so I can cast Drawmij's Instant Summons on it if they get uppity.
3236d: ...and no, it isn't their fault for not getting eschew materials, like a smart player.
3236e: Yes, this even applies when the players have a history of backstabbing their friends.

[North_Ranger]

Things that I wish to inflict upon my gaming group:

3237. I will not try to hijack, capture or commandeer every damn vehicle that comes my way.
3238. A magic missile will never, ever be Nyan cat.
3239. Sex will not be roleplayed.
3239b. Especially paid sex.
3239c. ...with the team member who used to be a temple prostitute.
3239d. ...and who is a man.
3240. A level 1 character attacking an adult dragon will die by s*itting his pants in fear.
3241. Dire rats do not drop loot.
3241b. Not even when you perform an autopsy.

[PurityIcekiller]

3242: Any character concept that is the set-up for an awful pun is automatically rejected.
3243: There is no such thing as bone-eating dire half-dragon saltwater werepiranhas.
3244: I may not take the Weapon Focus feat with brooms, cabbages, or ridiculous French accents.

[AvocadoAvenger]

3245: I will not try to convince my dm to make dragons from dragon cave,
3246: or dragons based on Yoshi's small ball,
3247: or dragons based on pokemon.
3248: I cannot play an eleven-stalt (like gestalt but gets every class in phb).
3249: I will not name my character "James Bond."
3250: All of my characters cannot have the same backstory. Especially if they are in the same campaign.

[Cieyrin]

3248: I cannot play an eleven-stalt (like gestalt but gets every class in phb).

3248a. I may not make this eleven-stalt a goblin named El Vorpal Kickasso.

[Unbeknownst]

3251: My Rapier Wit is not a piercing weapon. (It's a Slashing)

[Groundhog]

3252: I may not name any of my weapons "Vera."
3253: I may not trade any of my weapons for a concubine.
3253: My character may not dance under any circumstances, as that would cause all the other characters to instantly go insane.

[Grue Bait]

3254: My rogue may not take Craft(fishbowls) for the sole purpose of transporting Gary the Mystical Rainbow Trout, a pandimensional, omniscient, hyperintelligent, evil, immortal, invincible fish.
3254a: Mounted Combat cannot be taken at first level in hopes that the DM will let me ride Gary into battle. Especially as a rogue.
3254b: Gary may not be a British stereotype with a monacle and top hat.
3254c: Gary will not evolve into Garydos at level 20.

3255: Mage Hand cannot perform "surgery" on kobolds.

3256: Summon Pure Water can not and will not be used for nefarious purposes.

3257: My character cannot be called Scoliosis because he has no background

3258: The half-elf bard and half-orc barbarian cannot be blood relatives.

3259: A lizardfolk wizard cannot be an animal familiar.
3259a: Stanley the Honeybadger, however, is a-ok.
3259b: Honey badgers will take what they want, and may not care at all.

[PurityIcekiller]

3260: Regardless of what the rules say, I cannot dig my way out of a volcano with my bare hands.
3261: My wizard's familiar must be a normal cat, not an Exceed.
3262: The Kleptomaniac flaw is forever off-limits to me.
3263: I may not make a neutral-aligned character just to test for Helms of Opposite Alignment.