More flumphs than you can shake a flindbar at: Let's Read the Tome of Horrors!

[The Glyphstone]

How does a creature whose entire diet consist of Warforged live very long?

[Binks]

Wait...what? I can't even conceive of how a sentence like that could be constructed...it's not like it's a simple typo or anything. You can't even claim it's a simple mistake, since the first sentence makes no sense if reversed ('Unlike other oozes, the slithering tracker feeds on organic matter')...how did that happen?

[Rappy]

Wait...what? I can't even conceive of how a sentence like that could be constructed...it's not like it's a simple typo or anything. You can't even claim it's a simple mistake, since the first sentence makes no sense if reversed ('Unlike other oozes, the slithering tracker feeds on organic matter')...how did that happen?

I'm not sure, really. I'm presuming their intended line of thought was actually meant to be "while most oozes are detritivores, slithering trackers are active hunters".

[The Tygre]

Slug, Giant
Like some reject from a 50s B-movie, the giant slug is a crawling elephant-sized gastropod with an acidic spit projectile. Ambling along without a care for obstacles (since it can squeeze into spaces fit for creatures down to Medium size) or enemies (since it is immune to critical hits), the giant slug fears only one thing in the world: salt. Yes, because every adventurer carries around bags of salt for the express purpose of dumping them on a giant slug.

Well... if one is capable of summoning salt elementals...

[Eldan]

How does a creature whose entire diet consist of Warforged live very long?

D&D is full of anorganic life. Living constructs, elementals, creatures made from pure magic... I'd guess that even the MMI has a dozen or so. Even Outsiders might qualify.

[BobVosh]

Wait...what? I can't even conceive of how a sentence like that could be constructed...it's not like it's a simple typo or anything. You can't even claim it's a simple mistake, since the first sentence makes no sense if reversed ('Unlike other oozes, the slithering tracker feeds on organic matter')...how did that happen?

Add one word: Unlike other oozes, the slithering tracker does not feed on dead organic matter. It survives by devouring living creatures.

[Rappy]

Just one monster today. Kinda stressed and not the best writer as a result.

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Soul Eater
Again, not taking the easy way out, as I already spent an image referential joke on something already. The soul eater is, amazingly, an anthropophage that is not always Evil; indeed, it's always True Neutral instead. Ironically, it is this one time when the creature isn't always Evil that it most likely should be; the soul eater is essentially a summoned extraplanar hitman, its only payment consuming the soul of the one it is tasked to hunt. A soul eater can track a target unneringly and deals Wisdom damage with its void claws. Anyone actually slain by this method has their soul eaten, and only a deity can restore it. Amusingly enough, if the soul eater is defeated but not killed by an opponent or its victim is killed by someone before it can take its soul, the soul eater essentially throws a hissy fit and goes to assault the caster that summoned it. Nice.

[Thane of Fife]

On the Slithering Tracker, in 2e, at least, instead of eating people, it sucked out their plasma, vampire style, leaving its victims dead of dehydration rather than eaten. They were the sort of monster that crept up on sleeping or lone individuals, paralyzed them, then slowly drained them dry.

As for the salt bit on Giant Slugs, I know I've seen suggestions of other, smartr monsters using salt to control them. For example, using salt to trap it in a room as a guardian, to prevent it battering down a door, or so forth.

[Rappy]

As for the salt bit on Giant Slugs, I know I've seen suggestions of other, smartr monsters using salt to control them. For example, using salt to trap it in a room as a guardian, to prevent it battering down a door, or so forth.

I know there was some discussion on them in the Let's Read the 2E Monstrous Manual thread over at RPGNet. Not sure if salt control was mentioned in it, though...I need to reread it in its entirety some time.

[Rappy]

Soul Nibbler
Hopefully you haven't had enough of rats, folks, because here's yet another one! This time, we have a CR Magical Beasty-type rat with immunity to necromancy and deals level drain with its bite. Oh yes, a CR 2 creature with level drain. Fun stuff. There is an interesting bit of fluff tacking about their origin; specifically, they have gained their supernatural powers by chewing on "essence ingots", which are more or less magic jars that don't have a duration and are smaller.



Spriggan
These two opening sentences pretty much some up the CR 3 spriggan:

Spriggans are among the ugliest and certainly the most foul tempered of all gnomes. At one moment a normal-sized gnome, a spriggan can grow to giant-sized in an instant, gaining immense strength and taking unsuspecting opponents by surprise.

And, of course, they are Chaotic Evil. Because we all know that ugly = evil, and these are "ugly gnomes". I personally feel they'd be more effective if they didn't really differ in appearance that much from normal gnomes, or even differ that much in temperment most of the time, their growth ability being a sort of split personality issue or, for lack of a better word, "Hulkism".



Sprite
Are you ready for more whimsy too? I sure hope you are! I mean, really, this is another one that just has to have some of its fluff shown to have its full impact.

Their eyes sparkle like moonlight on a forest lake, and their tiny, high-pitched voices sound almost like music. Sprites are very capricious creatures, even finding elves a bit stodgy and serious

Now if that isn't the face of all things some people hate about 2E-style fey, I don't know what is. What makes them even worse is that I don't really see the point in sprites. They are pretty much pixies, sans invisibility, memory arrows, and a good chunk of spell-like abilities (they still get the sleep arrows, though). The only place I can see sprites being heavily used in would be, from my own personal experience in what I use them for, a setting where the normal pixie is a bit much for what you want out of your spritely figures.

Oh, and the sprite has an oceanic variant too, making it also compete for the nixie's niche, I guess.

[BobVosh]

I've always liked spriggans, although the fluff for PF is much neat. Basically when the gnomes came from the fey world some mutated into spriggans in order to keep the natural magic and fight off various predators.

I would give more but I need to leave to drive home.

[Mulletmanalive]

Slithering Tracker
Yay, another Int 10 ooze that has no ambitions for its intellect beyond eat-eat-slurp-kill. It has Constitution drain and paralysis, as well as transparency and blindsight as well. Wee. Oh, but this one does have an amusing fluff piece:

[Emphasis mine]
Notice a little problem with these sentences? I'm sure you do.

The way the text made them out to be in the 2e handbook, that wouldn't be all that inaccurate as they were a wierd varient on haemovores that actually ate the salt and inorganic compounds in the blood and left a refined mucous residue in their wake...

Still hilariously bad editing though...

Slug, Giant
Like some reject from a 50s B-movie, the giant slug is a crawling elephant-sized gastropod with an acidic spit projectile. Ambling along without a care for obstacles (since it can squeeze into spaces fit for creatures down to Medium size) or enemies (since it is immune to critical hits), the giant slug fears only one thing in the world: salt. Yes, because every adventurer carries around bags of salt for the express purpose of dumping them on a giant slug.

We used to carry a few 1lb bags of salt whenever we travelled around. Our GM had most of the communities we met more than happy to pay money or accept payment in it; often for less weight than the copper coins that we would otherwise have been carrying.

I'll never forget the first time we confronted one of these thigns; tried to hide in a house [turned out later that the picture shows exactly that] and the thing just comes through the door, basically flooding the ground floor with acid as it comes...

[Rappy]

I've always liked spriggans, although the fluff for PF is much neat. Basically when the gnomes came from the fey world some mutated into spriggans in order to keep the natural magic and fight off various predators.

That sounds like a good idea for their existence.

I'll never forget the first time we confronted one of these thigns; tried to hide in a house [turned out later that the picture shows exactly that] and the thing just comes through the door, basically flooding the ground floor with acid as it comes...

That sounds like a scene from a Sci-Fi SyFy movie, only actually good.

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Squealer
A CR 9 five-limbed clawed giant wild boar.

One that can mimic sounds of other beings, at that.

...Wha?



Stegocentipede
The best way one could quickly describe the stegocentipede would be to say it's like a monstrous centipede on steroids. A standard Huge monstrous centipede is CR 2; the stegocentipede, on the other hand, is CR 5, and not without good reason. While its venom is of the same yield as a Huge monstrous centipede, it can deliver it with both its bite and a simultaneous tail-stinger attack. To make things worse, the chitinous plates adorning its body flex back and forth in a scizzor fashion, forcing anyone attacking the stegocentipede to make a Reflex save or get vice-gripped and dealt 2d8 damage. Suffice to say, the stegocentipede is a rather unpleasant creature, and the illustration of it, barbed tail raised and mandibles dribbling forth venom, doesn't endear you any more to it.

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Next time, we'll be looking at the best entry in the whole darn book...or not.

[warmachine]

In which book does the Piercer appear?

[Drakyn]

Squealer
A CR 9 five-limbed clawed giant wild boar.

One that can mimic sounds of other beings, at that.

...Wha?

I remember this one. Remember "Expedition to the Barrier Peaks"? That old module that was some sort of insane crossover between Greyhawk and some sci-fi setting that TSR had via long-ago-smushed-spaceship that had arrived there through good-ol'-fashioned black-hole-teleportation? These were one of the things you could run into on the menagerie deck. So was the froghemoth (I think that's what it was called). What else was there...sporebats? Vegpygmies? Bah, can't remember it all.

[Rappy]

In which book does the Piercer appear?

This one. It's just in the Hazard appendix, not the main meat of the book.

I remember this one. Remember "Expedition to the Barrier Peaks"? That old module that was some sort of insane crossover between Greyhawk and some sci-fi setting that TSR had via long-ago-smushed-spaceship that had arrived there through good-ol'-fashioned black-hole-teleportation? These were one of the things you could run into on the menagerie deck. So was the froghemoth (I think that's what it was called). What else was there...sporebats? Vegpygmies? Bah, can't remember it all.

The vegepygmies are cool, at least.

...Or I think so.

[Thurbane]

Yep, Aurumvorax, Froghemoth, Squealer and Vegepygmies all first appeared in EttBP, as well as some others that I'm probably forgetting.

Who doesn't love a module where you can goad a boxing robot and kung fu robot into attacking each other, or you can be strapped to a gurney and be dissected by a mad surgeon android!

[Drakyn]

Don't forget the weight trainer android that throws multi-hundred-pound barbells at your head! Suggested quotes included:
"Let's have some HUSTLE!"
"CATCH! Butterfingers."

[Eldan]

That sounds like it's predestined to be played in Gamma World.


Of course, there that kind of thing is expected, as opposed to D&D, so it might not be as funny.

[Thurbane]

That sounds like it's predestined to be played in Gamma World.


Of course, there that kind of thing is expected, as opposed to D&D, so it might not be as funny.

I could be mistaken, but I vaguely remember reading somewhere that the crashed ship was based on/inspired by the ship in the game Metamorphosis Alpha, the precursor to Gamma World...

[Eldan]

Could be. I really only played one session of a later edition of Gamma World when our then-DM had just discovered the books somewhere, but it was hilarious and featured an underground complex full of crazy robots. And a museum of astronomy which allowed you to experience first-hand the conditions on other planets in the solar system. By putting a series of colourful buttons on the wall. Luckily, our group clicked "Mars" (it wasn't labeled) and only took some cold damage and had to hold their breath instead of being instantly crushed by super gravity.

[BobVosh]

I like vegepygmies as well.

[Rappy]

Stench Kow
Cows. Big, ugly, smelly, extraplanar cows. Cows from Hell, one could say.

...No, seriously. Why exactly the devils decided that farming cattle would be a profitable venture, considering they are Outsiders and don't actually need to eat, is beyond me. Maybe stench kow steaks are Just That Good™?



Stone Roper
Why yes, this is a thickly-armored variant roper. Thank you for asking!



Stormwarden
Essentially a human-sized (and humanoid) version of the storm giant, stormwardens are lords of the mountains and spend their lives hunting game and living the life of a loner. They are also decidedly skewed as far as power level goes. They have a Challenge Rating of 1, yet they can cast control weather instantly. Sure, the ability only lasts for one minute, but surely that warrants more than CR 1!

[Divayth Fyr]

Next time, we'll be looking at the best entry in the whole darn book...or not.

Did you mean the Stench Kows?

[Eldan]

As far as I know, the cows were to feed the mortal mercenaries. See also:

Spoiler

Show

[Rappy]

Did you mean the Stench Kows?

Yep.

As far as I know, the cows were to feed the mortal mercenaries. See also:

Spoiler

Show

[Snip]

Hehe...cute. And yeah, that would make sense, at least.

[Thurbane]

Stench Kow
Cows. Big, ugly, smelly, extraplanar cows. Cows from Hell, one could say.

...No, seriously. Why exactly the devils decided that farming cattle would be a profitable venture, considering they are Outsiders and don't actually need to eat, is beyond me. Maybe stench kow steaks are Just That Good™?

I remember an old April Fool's issue of Dragon had a parody of a certain "world famous clown" as an archdevil, and his fast food outlet. Their specialty was Stench Kow Burgers, and their serving staff were undead zombies, from memory.

[Starbuck_II]

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Nereid
In the grand tradition of "beautiful things will murder you", nereids are venomous (!) fey that can spit poison at you, enthrall you, or if they're particularly sadistic...ugh, flash backs to the deep mummy...kiss you before expelling water into your lungs to damage you. Oh, and if that wasn't enough, she can control and transmute the very waters she is formed from. And don't worry if you're a female adventurer, we don't get to escape the wrath of the nereid either; a nereid can take the shape of any female or male humanoid of Medium size, just to make them all the more sadistic. And why do the Chaotic Neutral nereids do such violent acts? Because they are "honeyed ones" that deal inappropriate vengeance against those that "steal a glance or kiss" from them, not for stealing the sea-shawl that contains their life force or anything logical like that. Of course, as we all know, Chaotic Neutral means "absolutely nutty as a fruitcake"...

Hmm, in Stormwreck (Pg 155) where they appear also: they pretty PC friendly (for being one: 3 HD and 3 LA).
They don't spit poison though.
But they can control water and drown (water appears enemy lungs by touching) people. Summon Water Elementals, Displacement, and Cha to Deflection.

[Rappy]

Starbuck_II: Yeah, Wizards often has different opinions on classic monsters than others. Ah well, 'diversity is the spice of life' and all that...

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Strangle Weed
Would you believe that it's a weed that strangles?

Seriously though, the strange weed is an aquatic equivalent of the assassin vine, animate seaweed slithering on the ocean floor and waiting for prey to get in their grasp. Indeed, strangle weed is pretty much just a variant of assassin vines; same hit die, same Challenge Rating, mostly the same ability scores, only one less point of natural armor.

The only major differences are the fact that, unlike assassin vines, strangle weeds have an Intelligence score (of 2, to be precise) and are generally weaker due to their lack of immunity to electricity and resistance to cold, as well as no entangling animation. Otherwise, though...yeah, it's another variant.


Stunjelly
As their name implies, the CR 3 stunjellies are an offshoot of the gelatinous cube.

...No, that's not a joke...well, the first part was, but the second part isn't. They aren't related to ochre jellies and their kin. Part of the infamous "room of doom" setup, stunjellies are gray, vinegar-scented (again, not joking) transluscent oozes that cozy up to dungeon walls so they can swallow passersby. They also, surprise surprise, stun you! Who would have guessed?



Stymphalian Bird
If you're ever read up on Greek legends, you've probably eat least passingly heard of these creatures. They're big, bronzed birds with a challenge rating of 4 and the ability to launch volleys of piercing feathers at an opponent. They also have Improved Critical on their natural weaponry, so they aren't pleasant to be struck by.

...Oh, and since it's by now a prerequisite of entries that mention it, here's more anthropophagy!

They are particularly fond of the flesh of humans and elves, so always attack them on sight.

[Volthawk]

Maybe human and elven flesh is extra-magical, and magic tastes nice?