Eragon *Revised*

[TheQuestionable]

Not sure if this is the best place to post this, but then agian I can't see it in any of the other catergories.

This is something I wrote (me and my brother love doing this for fun) just for laughs. My brother also made a funnier version of the LOTR (Lord of the Rings) which I might post later on whenever I get the chance to put it on my jumpdrive. Hope you like.

A long read, but I think it's worth it. I may actually add more if it has a positive response.

Eragon *Revised*
By TQ

...Yeah maybe Paolini did help me, but in all seriousness he gave me little influence...okay maybe he did have a lot of influence and I do owe a lot to him. I'd like to add I love the Inheritance series, and I also like a good joke; so when you put the two together you either make something beautiful, passable, or just plain down stupid. Let's hope I at least made the passable grade.

Prologue: Shade of Fear

Narrator One: The shade sniffed the air.

Shade: Spread out; hide behind trees and brushes. Stop whoever is coming...or die.

Urgal One: What are we?

Shade: Huh?

Urgal One: I mean what I said, "What are we?"

Shade: Well? *Picks up a copy of "Eragon" and reads the second paragraph* You resemble men and have "Bowed legs and thick, brutish arms made for crushing. A pair of twisted horns grew above their small ears." *shuts the book* see there, you're a goat with big arms.

Urgal Two: A goat with big arms and bowed legs?

Shade: Well it's not my fault your who you are.

Urgal One: Why can't we be ogres, or goblins? They're the usual minions in most of the fantasy fiction novels such as this. They're common, while we're...

Shade: It doesn't matter; you're unique. You're different from all those others; you're special.

Urgal Three: *Sob sob* we're ugly

Shade: (soft caring voice) Hey, cut that out. *Hugs the third Urgal* you're not ugly...well actually you are but I bet you're the prettiest Urgal minion in the squad?

Urgal One: Actually he is the ugliest one.

Shade: Oh...well I guess you are.

Urgal Three: *Heavier sobbing*

Shade: Stop that *pats back* It's the beauty in the inside that counts.

Urgal One: Actually he killed his own parents, and he stabbed Urgal Two just a while ago *sniffs a small traveling pot *, and he peed in my soup.

Shade: Stabbed Urgal Two? Why didn't anyone tell me; and how come none of you have any real names?

Urgal One: He did tell you, you kept telling him, "No one likes you anyway." And the reason why we don't have names is because you said it makes us look less important.

Shade: Oh...that's right.

Urgal Three: But what about my problems?

Shade: Well I'm afraid I can't fix ugly. But you want to know what will make you feel better? In a couple of minutes a group of greedy pretty elves is rumored to be coming by here shortly. Wouldn't you feel better taking you're anger out on them?

Urgal Three: I'm not sure how that solves my problems?

Shade: That's the spirit *Walks away slowly* Now I want everyone to hid...I can smell them coming.

Urgal One: No you can't, Urgals have better smelling senses than you and we can't smell them. You only have better vision...

Shade: All right, maybe I can't smell them. But I know they'll be passing here in about...one third of a candle mark.

Urgal One: That depends...how big is the candle.

Shade: Average, of course

Urgal One: Urgal Average or Human Average

Shade: Shade average!

Urgal Two: What's Shade average, are you making that up?

Shade: Shut up and hide!

Urgal One: When do you want us to attack?

Shade: When I give the order, now hide!

Narrator One: The Shade hid cleverly behind a large tree while the other Urgals scrambled every which way like blind beggars.

Shade: Get Ready.

Narrator One: Three white horses approached, each carrying an elf.

Shade: Gargzla!

Arya: What?

Shade: It's the ancient word for light...it was suppose to blind you, sending you toppling off your horse so we could kill you and then your other counterparts.

Arya: I think you're trying to say "Garjzla"

Shade: Oh...

Arya: Right, nice name by the way.

Shade: No, "Shade" isn't my real name, it's just my title at the moment. You'll discover later on what my name is.

Arya: Then wouldn't my name be Elf One or something?

Shade: Hmm, never thought about that, I guess it should be.

Arya: Yep...

Shade: …yeah

Arya: ...

Shade: ...Garjzla! * A red bolt of light flashed, sending Arya toppling to the ground as the horse went wild*

Arya's horse: Squeal!

Arya: *she tumbled gracefully landing on her feet, ready for attack* Argh, I should of saw that coming... *she tumbled gracefully landing on her feet, ready for attack*

Urgal Two: Uhh, shade, we manage to kill the others with our "deadly arrows"

Narrator One: Arya cried aloud as she looked at her dead friends, then ran into the forest.

Shade: After her! She is the one I want!

Narrator One: The shade quickly climbed a piece of granite, giving him clear view of the forest

Shade: Boetq istarlri!

Narrator One: A flame encircled the elf, she killed a couple urgals, ran towards the granite, the shade dropped down, she took out the stone, shade shot a bolt of red fire, the stone disappeared, the bolt hit her, the shade got mad, killed his urgals, then mounted the elf onto his horse, and rode away...that about wraps up the Prologue...

Discovery

Narrator Two: Eragon knelt over a bed of trampled reed grass. He saw discarded remains of beef jerky and a County Living magazine; the deer he had been tracking had come this way. The deer had led him deep into the Spine, a range of untamed mountains that extended up and down the land of Alagaesia.

Narrator One: To make this short and sweet I'll end it. Eragon is hunting a deer that has a clubfoot in order to feed his poor farming family. He misses the deer and find a sapphire stone, a perfect oval shape. He then makes a camp and rest the night before starting off home. The next day he rest again, and then he's in Palancar Valley.

Narrator Two: What? You can't do that. This is my chapter!

Narrator One: Well your chapter is short and simple, there is no use wasting everyone’s time by spelling everything out word for word from the book. We all have better things to do than read text, besides I'd rather read the actually book instead of listening to you blabber on about it.

Narrator Two: But I wasn't going to blabber on about...I was going to talk about it for another paragraph or so.

Narrator One: To late, moving on to better things.

Palancar Valley

Narrator Three: *Reading from the Eragon book, page nine* "The sun rose the next morning with a glorious conflagration of pink and yellow. The air..."

Narrator Two: Wait a second, is there going to be a narrator for each chapter?

Narrator One: Of course not, there is only seven.

Narrator Two: Seven! What do we need seven narrators for? Isn't two enough?

Narrator One: No, seven is enough. Each Narrator has a purpose for being in this story.

Narrator Two: So the chances are high that I'll be narrating the other chapters too?

Narrator One: Well, I'm not the one who can answer that; but I guess so. I'm sure all seven of us will be making reappearances every so often. I doubt you'll be excluded seeing how there is 59 chapters and only seven narrators. You really have nothing to be concerned about.

Narrator Two: Oh...so when do I get to narrate again?

Narrator One: Well, again, I'm not sure and furthermore can't say exactly.

Narrator Two: huh...

Narrator Three: If you two are done I'm sure the readers would all be happy to get on schedule with the program?

Narrator One: Sorry to interrupt your narrationing...

Narrator Two: Is that even a real word?

Narrator One: ...It'll never happen again.

Narrator Three:...As I was saying before...

Narrator Two: Reading

Narrator Three: Huh?

Narrator Two: Well you weren't saying it, you were reading it from the book; Word for word actually.

Narrator Three: No I wasn't, don't be silly

Narrator Two: Then what’s "*Reading from the Eragon book, page nine*" mean?

Narrator Three: Lies!

Narrator Two: Ah, but you still have the book in your hands...

Narrator Three: No I don't *Looks around uneasily*

Narrator Two: Aha! What's "*Looks around uneasily*" mean then. That's suspicious enough!

Narrator Three: ...Stop interrupting me, I'm trying to tell the story.

Narrator Two: Now you’re just trying to ignore the issue

Narrator Five: STOP ARGUING! YOU'RE DELAYED THE STORY LONG ENOUGH.

Narrator Two: ... Why are you talking in CAPS?

Narrator Five: I'VE BEEN TOLD IT GIVES ME CHARACTOR.

Narrator Two: Right...

Narrator Three: Not another word from either of you! "Muteonjg!" Aha! Now you can't talk because I've muted you in the ancient language!

Narrator Two: That's not apart of the ancient language. You made it up.

Narrator Three: Fine! "Brisingr"!

Narrator Two: ...nothing

Narrator Three: Oh that's right..."Brisingr!" A burst of fire shoots out of my hand and hits Narrator Two, setting him ablaze.

Narrator Two: ...ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Narrator Three: Now where was I *Opens "Eragon" to page nine* "The air was fresh, sweet, and very cold."

Sloan: Well, the mighty hunter joins the rest of us mortals. How many did you bag this time?

Eragon: None

Sloan: I'm amazed...

Narrator Three: Hold it, not yet! You can't skip two pages of material

Slaon: And that's your reason for coming here?

Eragon: Yes

Narrator Three: Damn it; listen to me!

Narrator One: They can't hear you...or they can't hear us Directors.

Narrator Three: What? Why?

Narrator One: Because we aren't in the story. We're kind of like looking into a glass and saying what happens, only they can't hear or see us. They can only react to what we say.

Narrator Three: So we're like gods?

Narrator One: To an extent I guess.

Narrator Two: A deadly disease swept across Palancar Valley, killing everyone instantly by crumbling their lungs and poisoning their air.

Eragon: Argh! I can't breathe.

Sloan: It's that damn stone you brought from the Spine, It's cursed. I knew it was no good. *gasp*

Narrator One: Damn it Narrator Two! Don't do that!

Narrator Two: Narrator One slaps himself in the face

Narrator One: *slaps his face* Stop it; you're ruining the story!

Narrator Two: Narrator One say, "I pork Donkeys while listening to Creed."

Narrator One: I pork donkeys while listening to Creed...I said stop it!

Narrator Three: "Slytha!"...Narrator Two falls almost immediately asleep.

Narrator Two: ZZZZzzzz

Narrator One: Thank you Narrator Three.

Narrator Three: "Muteonjg!" Narrator One can't speak

Narrator One: That's not even an ancient word, you... (Muffled noises...then silence)

Narrator Three: Now back to the story.

Eragon: This is the end Sloan

Sloan: I feel it too Eragon, Now that we're about to die I'd like to apologize for being so rude all the time.

Eragon: I know, you don't have to explain. Save your energy for your breathing.

Sloan: No! It must be said, I have to get this in the open.

Narrator Three: ...The disease never happened, and no one is dieing. Nothing that Narrator Two said that's affects this storyline ever happened.

Sloan: If that's the case, let's see your money.

Narrator Three: Eragon is silent for a moment

Sloan: Come on, either you have it or you don't. Which is it?

Eragon: I don't really have any money, but I do...

Sloan: What, no money? And you expect to buy meat? Are the other merchants giving away their wares? Should I just hand you the goods without charge?

Eragon: ...Yes?

Sloan: ...well if that's the case than I'll just grab a couple slices of meat for you. Don't want to lose money by ignoring the other shops marketing ideas.

Eragon: ...Okay?

Sloan: *stops mid-way, and turns around angrily* Wait a second!

Eragon: I didn't mean to offend you, I was just kidding...

Sloan: What's all that about, I was going to ask you what you wanted.

Eragon: ...err then why did you turn around angrily?

Sloan: Oh that's just a habit I developed, I also limp on my right leg sometimes to add that dramatic butcher likeness...you want to see?

Ergaon: No thanks; just make it some roast beef and steaks.

Horst: Hold It Sloan. What's going on here about you not accepting his stone as payment for the meat?

Sloan: What?

Horst: Is this true?

Eragon: No! I offered this stone as payment for some meat, and he accepted it. When I told him I'd found it in the Spine, he refused to even touch it. What difference does it make where it came from?

Horst: Why won't you trade with him Sloan? This stone looks of worth, I'll back it up with my own money.

Sloan: Huh?

Katrina: Father, Eragon is willing to pay. Give him the meat, and then we can have supper.

Sloan: What are you doing here Katrina! Your meant to be home, go!

Katrina: Father!

Sloan: I said get out of here!

Narrator One: Katrina runs out of shop, weeping on her sleeves.

Horst: It would be wise to accept gold from me.

Sloan: It would be wise to accept gold from anybody, I assuming it's the same thing Eragon asked for?

Horst: Yes, but throw in testes of a lamb.

Sloan: I don't think I have any of those...

Horst: That's no excuse! Don't question me either just get them.

Eragon: Thank you Horst. Uncle Garrow will be pleased. But you really didn't have to do this.

Horst: It's nothing, I like helping out the poor scum of this crack hole of a village. By the way how is the old hag anyway?

Eragon: My uncle? He's doing great I guess, he's memory isn't as good as it used to be.

Horst: That's what you get for being poor I'm afraid. Would you want to come over a have supper with me, my wife, and me kids. We'll be having real food instead of the dirt porridge your family eats everyday.

Eragon: I'm sorry, but Garrow is expecting me.

Horst: oh well, suit yourself. I'll be throwing away an extra rations of food in my trash bin if you change your mind. Maybe you and your family could come too.

Eragon: Okay, I'll keep that in mind.

Narrator Three: Eragon rushed past Horst and walked home.

Horst: Pity...

Sloan: I got your food Eragon...Eragon?

Narrator Three: Eragon reached his uncle's shabby house; the door was locked as always so he knocked

Eragon: *Knock knock? * Uncle, it's Eragon. Let me in.

Garrow: *slightly opens door* Eragon?

Eragon: Yes Uncle, Is Roran sleeping? Usually he's the one to open the door. You know how we both feel about you talking to strangers with your memory and all.

Garrow: Roran? That crazy man who broke into my house with the same lame excuse as you? You think I'm stupid. You're one of those guards from the capital, you're here to ruin me!

Eragon: Have you been drinking?

Garrow: I'm not old enough to drink

Eragon: ...Where's Roran?

Garrow: I locked your friend in the closet, I wasn't willing to commit murder...I would've but my parents would kill me if I killed someone.

Eragon: Closet! Uncle, you're not a young boy. You're a sixty-year-old man who has bad memory problems and two unfortunates who have to put up with you...plus I think you crapped yourself.

Garrow: So that's what that smell is?

Eragon: Look Uncle, I sort of accepted charity, I know how you hate it but if I didn't we wouldn't have been able to last the winter. I plan to work for him...though I haven't told him yet. Maybe I'll work back the money as a blacksmith. Who knows, All I do know is that if we don't start eating are crops or selling them, we won't be able to survive. How we made it this far amazes even me. You have to stop giving away our crops, that's not how farming works. How do you expect us to make profit?

Garrow: Who are you?

Eragon: This is why you don't answer the door. Now go inside and relax in your chair. You think well when you’re less active.

Garrow: What ever you say Doctor, How's your wife Julie and those three little kids of yours. They are growing like weeds. Did they get that apple pie my wife Marian sent them?

Eragon: ...Yes? Now go sit down, tomorrow we've got to go to town a trade what little we have to the traders. You've got a big day ahead of you.

Garrow: What's that behind your back Henry?

Eragon: This? *Shows him the blue stone* It's something I found in the Spine. I hoping it fetches us a good gold coin or two to get us through the spring.

Garrow: When I get older I am going to open up a clothing store a sell pants made out of soybeans.

Eragon: ...right

Narrator Three: And so Eragon put Garrow to bed, tucked him in...tied him down so he wouldn't wake up a wander. Eragon then put himself to bed, putting the stone under his bed. And in the middle of the night, after hours of muffled screams and bangs on the closet door, Roran finally passed off into sleep.

Dragon Tales

[LordOfNarf]

Ohhhh, that was the best laugh in a good while, real funny, I hope there's more to the *revised* story.

[The Vorpal Tribble]

*chuckles*

Not bad, and the bit about 'I'm not old enough to drink' got a genuine guffaw out of me ;)

This gives me an idea though... a 'If Eragon Was A Bad D&D Game' thread.

This was done with the Lord of the Rings and it was hillarious. Basically you show the 'behind the scenes' bit where the players are arguing about how to do what and the DM forced to intervene or fiat the whole thing.

[BelkarsDagger]

I "LOL'd" a lot during that... mostly during the Eragon/Sloan/Horst thing.

[TheQuestionable]

Thanks for the compliment. I've posted Rechard204's "LOTR" (see link below). If you liked mine, you'll love his more.

LOTR: Fellowship of Seven People

[Blood]

Both this and the LoTR one are fantastic. :)