Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

[Jokasti]

The next biggest city is the Capitol, too big. I usually only go there for LazerTag with the pals. Not old enough to hit the bars, so yeah. Don't think there are any malls there.

[Coidzor]

I was unaware that any discussion topic was assumed to only be about America unless stated otherwise. Forgive me.

Oh, I do. I just like ribbing you. Mostly because it's been forever since we've actually talked and yadda yadda yadda.

I just figured since you knew that the three of us (that is, you, me, Dragonrider) are all currently living in the same state and all.

[Eloi]

I was unaware that any discussion topic was assumed to only be about America unless stated otherwise. Forgive me.

I assume any discussion is about the great United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, I mean what other European country is there? Well, besides Iceland, Sweden, Finland, Norway, France, Spain, Italy, Greece, Romania, Bulgaria, Poland, Portugal, Belarus, Georgia, Ukraine, Russia, Netherlands, Belgium, Hungary, Switzerland, Germany, I could go on. But besides all of those, the U.K. is probably the only one going to be discussed.

[Superglucose]

So bringing this back to relationships:

I found a very cute girl on facebook by complete accident. You see, the other day I met this cute blond girl who was cosplaying as Edward Elric (and anyone who knows me knows I love FMA) and didn't get her number (I was bowling with three other girls, actually, two of whom had begged me to come, full story printed elsewhere).

She and I have some interests in common, she has a cute pic (my profile pic is [ur=http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash1/hs293.ash1/22060_262929937129_707192129_3865392_3867914_n.jpg]this[/url] just because I like picking random pics, and the first picture of an earthrise just gets me every time), has red hair and blue eyes (mmmm +++)... let's just say the stars have aligned here.

Sent her a facebook message saying that I stumbled across her page, that we have similar interests, it was her hair that caught my eye (honesty is the best policy!) and that if she was in town and unbusy this summer that we should grab some ice cream.

*crosses fingers* it's not the ideal storybook meeting, but throwing out a line isn't ever a bad idea, right? Worst case scenario she thinks I'm a creeper and files a restraining order... hmmm... let's not think about that! Best case scenario I just started the process to making a new best friend, one that I can share some more sexytimes with.

Yes. Let's focus on the best case scenario for a change

[Lillith]

So on a good note, my bf showed me an article about 'nine signs that makes you know you found the one' and he said he counted 8 and the last was something we're working on. Which makes me happy he's confident in our relationship.

My problem though, I've been diagnosed a while with something which pretty much makes me emotionally unstable. Making me very susceptible to drama. Combine that with a habit of taking things the wrong way (either cause I take things literally a lot and English not being my first language) and I tend to explode. Funnily enough around 'that time' for women. Now I don't want to stay offline for a week every single time. My therapist actually said that with a specialized therapist I could even sort this out and learn coping mechanisms.

Thing is, that there's a waiting list for 6 weeks. I'd like to learn to be more stable before that time. So is there a way you guys can recommend to well... not blow up when something is not like I want it? I know it sounds selfish but that's what I'm trying to change. Or are there any ways I can express my dislike without making a whole bloody stage show? One thing I'll have you guys know is that try to keep the ball at my court so to speak. So I'm trying to pay attention to not say things like 'you always do this, you never do that, you keep doing stuff'. But that's pretty much the only 'rule' I discovered in fighting.

So I guess the things I'm looking for is how to keep myself calm when I become edgy and what are the rules of telling my dislike?

[Superglucose]

Well I think the first step is to recognize when you're losing control and just taking a step back. Saying, "Ok, I'm not sure I can control myself right now and this is important. So I'm going to go *over there* for a bit and calm down." You even have the built-in excuse of being diagnosed with something! (Seriously, EVERYONE should do this in their conversations.) Oh and be sure not to beat yourself up over it if you do lose control... that'll just make things worse. Recognize when you've made a mistake, admit the mistake, and work to correct it: in this case, the mistake would be blowing up over something that's not big, and correcting it would be first putting yourself in a situation where you can calm down.

Yeah it's damage control, but I promise you your boyfriend will appreciate it. A lot.

One good way to pre-empt these fights that I've discovered is to not have expectations. It sounds weird, but if you don't expect people to do anything, you won't be disappointed and everything will be a pleasant surprise. If you're not disappointed, it's harder to be angry.

Really the most I can say is that what you're talking about doing requires a very significant amount of self-discipline even without legitimate medical concerns. I wish you the best of luck.

[potatocubed]

Basically, you go to a mall for the day.

Every time you make eye contact with asomeone of the opposite sex, or see someone you find attractive/interesting, go say hello, and have a short conversation.

This sounds like a really good way to get ejected from a mall.

[xPANCAKEx]

Lillith

Every time you're about to take something in a negative manner, stop for a moment and ask "do they mean it in a certain way" - ask for clarification if neccessary. Your boyfriend wont mind the extra patience in explaining himself if it will help avoid an arguement

make sure when you ask for clarification you don't ask in a hostile manner, and as long as he know thats why you're asking (to avoid an arguement) then it shouldn't be a problem

[Syka]

Talk to your boyfriend about a safe word. No, really. When one of you says that (make sure it's not a trigger for you getting angrier), the fight is on hiatus until both parties have calmed down. You can try to get yourself under control, maybe go talk to a third party who could help. That sort of thing. This can also work by setting up a minimum time- say, 5 minutes. You have to wait 5 minutes before you respond to each other in order to collect your thoughts and not make it personal.


As for feeling out of control, the only thing that really helped me was changing my birth control. The dose of hormones I was on was way too high for my body to handle. By the same token, hormonal birth control may help you even out your mood swings if they occur around that certain period in your menstrual cycle. If you've noticed that's when it normally occurs...that would be a good thing to mention to the doctor. I had some bad PMS prior to going on the Pill, as well, and the low-dose versions have helped curb that. YMMV as everyone's body chemistry is different, but if there is a correlation...then it could work.

What also worked for me was warning my boyfriend. I could generally tell when I was getting in A Mood that I would have trouble controlling. So...I'd warn him. It helped him to not take it as seriously, and understand that if I was pissed...I wasn't really pissed at him, so instead of getting angry back he'd just try to comfort me instead. Surprisingly, this helped. It wasn't easy, since it took a toll on us both, but it was less of a toll than arguments.



*hugs* I know those sorts of mood swings aren't fun. I've been mood-swing free for about a year, but the couple of years where I dealt with them were horrendous. I hated myself for it because that wasn't me.

Edit: I'll be getting to my PM's...soon. Ish. It's been a crazy week with my sister being home and all.

[J.Gellert]

*crosses fingers* it's not the ideal storybook meeting, but throwing out a line isn't ever a bad idea, right? Worst case scenario she thinks I'm a creeper and files a restraining order... hmmm... let's not think about that! Best case scenario I just started the process to making a new best friend, one that I can share some more sexytimes with.

The first thing to remember about facebook is that this kind of thing is normal, and no one is going to file a restraining order (or, really, be surprised) after receiving something like that. So it's cool. Good luck

The second thing to remember is that cute girls with many friends can get 2-3 such messages daily, and will not even bother with most. So when you do send one, make sure you make it unique and interesting.

[Serpentine]

Glucose, if you jerk that other girl around even more, so help me I'll disown you!

[Syka]

Just a random question:

What are your thoughts on changing surnames after marriage? Typically it's the woman in a heterosexual relationship, but this can apply to either party.


Personally, I don't buy the whole "We're making a new family!" argument for taking the mans name. But I'm also not attached to my current surname. I've talked with Oz about this and we came to the conclusion that when/if we get married, we'd maybe take an entirely different name. Aside from that, I'm already planning to change my name to my great grandmothers maiden name because A. it sounds cool and B. it's closer to my Italian heritage. Thankfully, Oz likes said surname that I want to change to, so there is a chance he'd be 'technically' taking my name, lol. Most likely, though, I'll get my new surname of my own and he'll keep his.

tl;dr: It's up to the person, but I'd rather change both our surnames to something different, if we're set on changing surnames.

[Pheehelm]

I wasn't really pissed at him, so instead of getting angry back he'd just try to comfort me instead. Surprisingly, this helped. It wasn't easy, since it took a toll on us both, but it was less of a toll than arguments.

On that note, any tips for those people on the other side of the mood swings?

[Kaiser Omnik]

tl;dr: It's up to the person, but I'd rather change both our surnames to something different, if we're set on changing surnames.

I guess it just makes it harder for those Genealogy people hehe.

[Coidzor]

I don't really care and as such would just default to tradition unless she brought it up. And let's face it, that's generally the way of it.

Which in my family's case would be the woman taking an additional last name on at the end. At least from what I've gathered it's usually a complete replacement job.

It'd have to be a suitably awesome last name on her end for me to even consider attaching it to my own, of course. Something like Fink in the case of one of my ex's mother's maiden name would be right out.

[Syka]

On that note, any tips for those people on the other side of the mood swings?

Just nod and make conciliatory noises "Mhmm" and such, particularly if it is a non-directional rant (ie, at something other than you). Reason, even if the person is normally very reasonable, is...pretty much useless.

Also talk with the mood-swinger in question. Everyone deals with it differently. When I feel the moods goin' a-crazy, I give Oz (and my family members, lol) the option of my just hiding until the mood subsides. You may be able to work something like that out. If you decide to slog through, though, just avoid arguing.

I know Oz will stick it out in silence and then teases me mercilessly afterwards about being crazy. It ends up lightening the mood later. This only works if your partner normally has a good sense of humor, though, and the moods are constant. Mine were very transient and periodic (20 minute or so spurts a few times a day for about 3 days right before my period), so this may not work for someone whose moods swing wildly on a regular basis.

[Coidzor]

Mine were very transient and periodic (20 minute or so spurts a few times a day for about 3 days right before my period), so this may not work for someone whose moods swing wildly on a regular basis.

Well, no, because someone like that and acting like that is basically blurring the line between being a mood-swingy git and abusive.

[Phaedra]

Just a random question:

What are your thoughts on changing surnames after marriage? Typically it's the woman in a heterosexual relationship, but this can apply to either party.

I'm planning to keep my own name if I ever get married, but that's mostly just because I'm planning to go into academia and don't want to mess up my reputation and publication list by changing name after a few years.

I don't really have any strong feelings on name changes really. I like my name and changing it wouldn't gain me anything, but if people want to, go for it, I suppose.

[Umael]

Surname changes: Talk. Communicate. Resolve.

Some are "traditional" and both take the man's name.
Some go for female empowerment and take the woman's name.
Some decide to hyphennate both of their names - or just one.
Some don't bother having them changed at all.
Some even take a different (random) name.

It's all good, so long as all parties involved are happy with it.

[skywalker]

I was unaware that any discussion topic was assumed to only be about America unless stated otherwise. Forgive me.

To be fair, while we made not specification that we were talking about an American schooling experience, you made no clarification either. Since we were all talking about American schooling, it might have been helpful to mention that your experience might differ due to location, eh?

What are your thoughts on changing surnames after marriage? Typically it's the woman in a heterosexual relationship, but this can apply to either party.

It's strange, but I think I would find it shocking if my wife didn't take my name. I know that's silly, and not particularly egalitarian, but it would seem weird to me. I would at least want my name hyphenated in. I dunno. It's not driven by possessiveness or anything like that... Taking my name is just what marriage typically entails to me.

I've never thought about an entirely new name, or taking the female's name... My gut reaction is that I couldn't surrender my sense of self to someone else, but then why would I expect that of my spouse? After some consideration, I also usually wouldn't surrender myself to another person's wishes in the way that marriage entails, so I suppose it would already be a step outside my usual boundaries.

I know one reason I prefer having a same last name (regardless of which one you choose) is because children should "belong" to both parents, not just the one they have the name of.

I will have to consider this matter further.

[J.Gellert]

I'd take my wife's surname if it's better than mine. Greek surnames are often funny. I'm not at all attached to mine

[Lord Loss]

Am I Imagining things...

Does anyone remember how I like some girl who's afraid/mistrusting of guys? Well, I got to know her and, instead of being very shy around me and any other guy like the first few times I saw her, she repetitively sat beside me instead of other girls. With any other girl, I wouldn't think much of it, but she has a reputation for fleeing from guys. Am I imagining things? I think so. Still, posting in case I'm not. (Now I feel stupid ).

[Superglucose]

What are your thoughts on changing surnames after marriage? Typically it's the woman in a heterosexual relationship, but this can apply to either party.

I would be honored if my wife chose to take my name. I would also not be disappointed or unhappy if she didn't want to. I think it's a crying shame that we don't get to pick our own names... why are we given names at birth, many times before birth? No one can possibly know who we are before we're even born.

That being said, my first daughter's name is already picked out

The second thing to remember is that cute girls with many friends can get 2-3 such messages daily, and will not even bother with most. So when you do send one, make sure you make it unique and interesting.

I like to think I'm very unique and interesting. Even if just from the standpoint of writing talent, I'm head and shoulders above the rest of the chumps I know (ok, ok... "friends" ) but I have the kind of fun-loving attitude of "Let's go do something!" "What do you have in mind?" "I dunno... something!" that really makes for some fun adventures.

Right now, I'd settle for a girl to take a walk around the park with looking at trees and flowers and making an ideal dream garden. I'm thinking a mature valley oak surrounded by lots of sage...

Though I will be honest and admit I don't hold much hope for her responding.

Also the girl I liked from work? She was fired for showing up to work drunk! Glad I avoided that

[Mando Knight]

I think it's a crying shame that we don't get to pick our own names... why are we given names at birth, many times before birth? No one can possibly know who we are before we're even born.

How can you know who you are if you don't have a name at all? A given name and a family name tell you who you are as much as any other set of names you could give yourself. A chosen name tells you a little about yourself as you were when you chose the name, but a given name tells you about yourself and your family: who you are to those who gave you the name, and who your family is.

I'm not opposed to adding titles or names to your own to remember or show who you've become, so long as you do not forget or reject yourself by throwing away your old name. A wife who takes her husband's name usually doesn't forget or throw away her maiden name, but she does use the new one because that is who she has become. The old name is remembered as who she was, the new name is used as it is who she is.

But, y'know, that's just my opinion on the matter.

[Coidzor]

Am I Imagining things...

Does anyone remember how I like some girl who's afraid/mistrusting of guys? Well, I got to know her and, instead of being very shy around me and any other guy like the first few times I saw her, she repetitively sat beside me instead of other girls. With any other girl, I wouldn't think much of it, but she has a reputation for fleeing from guys. Am I imagining things? I think so. Still, posting in case I'm not. (Now I feel stupid ).

That sounds like a fairly clear indication that she's comfortable with you. Especially if she's seeking you out rather than merely tolerating your presence.

[Dragonrider]

Oh surnames: I hate my last name. Assuming I get married, I will probably take my husband's name, because I feel little attachment to the one I have (as much as I love my family). If the new name is worse, or if it clashes with the name I already have, I will probably just change mine to something else (a la Syka).

[Serpentine]

Just a random question:

What are your thoughts on changing surnames after marriage? Typically it's the woman in a heterosexual relationship, but this can apply to either party.

Eh. Six to one, half dozen to the other. I'm probably coming from a funny angle, though - my mother didn't change her name at all for professional reasons (even though my birth certificate says it's different. Also it doesn't record her job ), and my sister probably will never get married at all.
For me, it probably depends on his last name. I might keep my surname in addition to his (5 names, woo!), but on the other hand I already have my mother's surname as a middle name, so I probably wouldn't be losing much by swapping out mine.
I was thinking about this with my kids recently, though. I think I'd do the same thing as I have - one parent's surname as a middle name, the other as a surname. I was thinking that I'd switch them around for each child. That might be dumb, though. Maybe instead I'll say that whoever's surname is a middle name gets to choose the other middle name...

[Quincunx]

Too much boopin' bureaucracy, that's my thought on it, that and it would/will require me to relinquish my death grip on my only home-country-valid form of I.D. Maybe it's less of a pain if you only have to deal with one country's rules on the matter at a time, or a more up-to-date country's universal rules of renaming instead of the rules of marriage chattel which assume she will take his name at the time of the wedding and you have to petition out of the arrangement, but however the pain is dealt I'm feeling no benefit or loss, not even in shedding a surname that's already got overtones of crazy cat lady (which is not, I might add, my fault). It means something to my husband though, filed under the same mental category as what main dishes require boiled potatoes, the relative significance of holidays, and other subtle cultural distinctions I do not see until my nose is rubbed in them--not an issue of identity or love, but of propriety. All the same, it does show that a Wife exists in his head which does not exist in mine, overlapping a stack of Quincunxes, like a blurry 3-D image.

[Coidzor]

So, wait. Your married state doesn't occupy a place in your mind like some sort of on/off switch in one of the corners? Or you don't have a specific identity you associate with Quincunx, the wife of XY?

[Quincunx]

Oh, there's at least three or four phases of "married" in that stack, but none of those have come with the 'hostessing, name-has-been-changed, and holiday awareness' skill set.