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  1. - Top - End - #511
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

    Quote Originally Posted by xPANCAKEx View Post
    Jack Squat

    don't sweat it - it dies down eventually. Sometimes it takes a while, and sometimes it never completely stops, but as long as it doesn't make your other half unhappy, and you handle it in a polite/mature way then no-harm-no-foul really
    I write this for all current and future posters. Every post, and I mean every post that xPANCAKEx makes has my full and unwavering approval. He's a scumbag, but he's a wise scumbag.
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  2. - Top - End - #512
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

    Quote Originally Posted by loopy View Post
    I write this for all current and future posters. Every post, and I mean every post that xPANCAKEx makes has my full and unwavering approval. He's a scumbag, but he's a wise scumbag.
    oh that is so getting sigged
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    Quote Originally Posted by loopy View Post
    xPANCAKEx - He's a scumbag, but he's a wise scumbag.

  3. - Top - End - #513
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

    Rama

    calling it off is wise

    telling her why may not be so wise... after all, at this point you don't actually OWE her an explaination. Unless she was using skype on your computer, then admitting to her that you went through her computer could give her something to throw back at you and try and make herself seem like the victim in all this

    it will be difficult, but just get it done - get her out of your house, and when you feel ready to re-enter the world of romance hopefully you'll meet someone who will treat you with respect
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    Quote Originally Posted by loopy View Post
    xPANCAKEx - He's a scumbag, but he's a wise scumbag.

  4. - Top - End - #514
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

    Quote Originally Posted by onthetown View Post
    <snip>
    The problem, obviously, is me. But I don't know how to get over all of this. I'm scared it's going to drive him away.
    TALK TO HIM.

    I cannot emphasise that enough. If he loves you, he'll understand, and if you don't communicate with him it will drive you apart, maybe not immediately, but in the long run.

    If you look a couple of pages back you'll see that I've just come out of a relationship- which started in a very similar way to yours, by the sound of things, with a similar, if less serious, set of issues on her part. Four years later and those same issues have split us up. For six months she kept her own counsel, not wanting to tell me in case I got upset, and eventually tied herself in such knots she couldn't see any way out except to end things, which was something neither of us really wanted. I still don't really understand, to be honest. But none of the problems we had were ever insurmountable; if she'd talked to me about them a couple of months ago we could have worked round them. We had a very open conversation last week (after we split up) and all I could think was that we should have had it several years earlier. By the time she felt she could talk to me about it, it was already too late.

    Don't do this. Please. For my sake as much as yours. I don't think anything could really make me feel better at the moment, but if my experience can help you save your relationship, at least my woes won't have been entirely in vain.
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  5. - Top - End - #515
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

    @onthetown: I can't agree enough with what Aedilred said. If your boyfriend loves you he will understand. If you don't tell him what is bugging you he might start to wonder and try to fill in the blanks, which is never a good thing. Also you said he has his own baggage so the chance is big he'll understand. I mean honestly it's not weird that someone starts to distrust men when most men she knew have been abusive to her. Please tell him what is bothering you, I know it is hard but it will be a relief to you and for him a way to understand you better and support you.
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  6. - Top - End - #516
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

    Quote Originally Posted by xPANCAKEx View Post
    Rama

    calling it off is wise

    telling her why may not be so wise... after all, at this point you don't actually OWE her an explaination. Unless she was using skype on your computer, then admitting to her that you went through her computer could give her something to throw back at you and try and make herself seem like the victim in all this

    it will be difficult, but just get it done - get her out of your house, and when you feel ready to re-enter the world of romance hopefully you'll meet someone who will treat you with respect
    Yeah thats pretty much exactly how it played out. Now I'm the bad guy. You'd think that complaining that someone looked at your computer is acknowledging that there's something to find on your computer...but somehow it doesn't.

    Honestly if she'd come clean and said 'yes I did all this, I'm sorry, I was going through a bad patch', whatever, I don't know if I'd have been able to follow through. But she chose the deny-everything, blame-it-all-on-me approach. In retrospect, I shouldn't be surprised. That's how she's handled everything else we've ever had an issue with.

    I'm actually not as bad off as I expected. I'm sad, but that's mostly what-might-have-been sadness. And after being together for so long I'm not looking forward to being on my own again. I tend towards isolation as is so being the only one in this house is going to be difficult. And I'm going to miss her cat, he's a goofball and a sweetheart.

    The hard part is going to be getting back out there and finding someone new I think. This is the worst ending to a relationship I've ever had (granted I've not had very many at all to end), and I think it's going to take a long time for me to be able to trust again.

    As far as actually getting her out of the house, what are y'alls thoughts on that? She doesn't have anywhere local to go (her family is over 8 hours away) and she has a crappy job so not a lot of money. I'm not going to foot the bill, so what's a reasonable approach for resolving that?

  7. - Top - End - #517
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

    you could give a deadline...
    say she has a month to move out
    or if you are wealthy offer to pay her a train ticket to where her family lives or something...

    But you know, she (in my book) 'cheated' on you...
    you don't owe her anything, I know this sounds cruel ..

    Also, now is not the time to be thinking about finding someone new...
    it's the time for healing, you'll know when you're ready to go out dating again
    Last edited by Eadin; 2010-06-28 at 02:20 PM.
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  8. - Top - End - #518
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

    Thanks guys We do talk about those things together, as he has some issues of his own, it's just hard for me to realize that he probably isn't trying to trick me or pull the wool over my eyes.
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  9. - Top - End - #519
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

    Quote Originally Posted by onthetown View Post
    Thanks guys We do talk about those things together, as he has some issues of his own, it's just hard for me to realize that he probably isn't trying to trick me or pull the wool over my eyes.
    I always had a lot of trouble believing my ex boyfriend actually did care about me.
    I had the same problem as you, although my issues were a lot less serious
    We broke up because he couldn't handle it anymore
    I really hope you find happiness with your boyfriend , I don't want that what happened to me to happen to you..
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  10. - Top - End - #520
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

    Yeah, I'd say give her a deadline (a month at most) in which she has to be out. She can stay in the area or move back with her family or live in a shelter, but she's got to be out by X day.


    I'm sorry it went over so poorly, and I can't say I'd be happy if someone went through my computer without my knowledge (I'm private, I'd gladly give my boyfriend access, but I don't like someone doing it without express permission), but...in this case I'd say the "You were e-boinking someone else!" trumps the "How dare you go through my Skype!"

    Unless she's given you previous permission to use/look at her Skype. I have standing permission from Oz to look at and/or use his email, facebook, etc. I know his passwords for everything, and have the spoken permission that I can go on them whenever I want. He couldn't use the "How dare you!" card for that. Oz knows my passwords to somethings, but it has the caveat that they won't be used except on occasions where I give permission and after that occasion, permission is revoked.

    It's not that I have something to hide (I definitely don't), I'm just reallly weird about it. Not even my mom knows all my passwords.
    Show me how pretty the world is
    'Cause I envy the way that you move
    Show me how pretty the world is
    'Cause I want something a little bit louder
    Show me how pretty the world is
    'Cause you're brilliant when you try
    Show me how pretty the whole world is tonight
    -Matt Nathanson "Pretty the World"

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  11. - Top - End - #521
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

    Get a cat of your own. That'll give you at least some companionship while you search for someone else. Better yet, get a puppy. Chicks dig puppies. Take it to a public park and play with it. Get the number of EVERY girl that comes up to you and exclaims how cute it is.

    I've always found breakups to be bittersweet. On the one side, it is sad, and you are exactly right on the "what coulda beens", but on the otherside, there is a huge level of the exciting unknown. There's the butterflies in your tummy of meeting someone new, earning their affection, being sweet and the satisfaction that comes with her appreciating your sweetness. Its scary, but its also an adventure! Especially if things were going rather grimmly at the end before the breakup, its like a stone has been lifted and you almost feel like you can fly, or conquer the world, or both, with 1 hand behind your back! Flex those dating muscles and get out there.

    PS, I dunno what kind of person you are, but join a gym. Gyms are simultaneously a good way to meet active girls (who also tend to be in decent shape, or at least are working on it), and exercise releases endorphines and dopamine, your body's natural euphoria drugs. If you feel glum, go to the gym and beat the crap out of a set of freeweights for an hour or so. Channel it into positivity. You get free drugs, a toner body (with the self-confidence that comes with it), and the prospect of meeting a cutie. Its a win-win situation!
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  12. - Top - End - #522
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

    Puppies are golden. Anecdote: Leaving my local Best Buy, which is located near a pet store, I spotted an adorable puppy with a guy and pointed said puppy out to my mom. As we go "D'aww!" I hear another pair of girls the next row of cars over doing the same. Exact. Thing.

    As long as you raise said puppy right, grown dogs can also be lady-winners. Roscoe (the younger of Oz's parent's two dogs) plays up the puppy-dog-eyes despite being 8 years old and loves on everyone, which in turn endears everyone to him. Missy is the grumpy old lady (she's 15) and everyone loves on her because she gives off this aura of "I'm an old lady. Serve me." But neither have a tendency towards barking, biting, or jumping upon you (well...Roscoe will lean heavily, but it's not as bad as jumping). Those traits are...less than endearing. We've had random people in the neighborhood come up as we're walking the dogs to compliment their looks, including the few who are our age.
    Show me how pretty the world is
    'Cause I envy the way that you move
    Show me how pretty the world is
    'Cause I want something a little bit louder
    Show me how pretty the world is
    'Cause you're brilliant when you try
    Show me how pretty the whole world is tonight
    -Matt Nathanson "Pretty the World"

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  13. - Top - End - #523
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    OrcBarbarianGuy

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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

    Thanks guys, I appreciate all the support.

    And yeah Syka, I do feel kinda meh about going through her computer. If it hadn't been for the picture I never would have even considered it. I do respect her privacy, it was just killing me all night. Didn't sleep at all.

    Really I was hoping to be proven wrong more than anything. Ah well.

    Thanks again everyone.

  14. - Top - End - #524
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

    Quote Originally Posted by Syka View Post
    Puppies are golden. Anecdote: Leaving my local Best Buy, which is located near a pet store, I spotted an adorable puppy with a guy and pointed said puppy out to my mom. As we go "D'aww!" I hear another pair of girls the next row of cars over doing the same. Exact. Thing.

    As long as you raise said puppy right, grown dogs can also be lady-winners. Roscoe (the younger of Oz's parent's two dogs) plays up the puppy-dog-eyes despite being 8 years old and loves on everyone, which in turn endears everyone to him. Missy is the grumpy old lady (she's 15) and everyone loves on her because she gives off this aura of "I'm an old lady. Serve me." But neither have a tendency towards barking, biting, or jumping upon you (well...Roscoe will lean heavily, but it's not as bad as jumping). Those traits are...less than endearing. We've had random people in the neighborhood come up as we're walking the dogs to compliment their looks, including the few who are our age.
    Actually I do have a dog, a chow-lab-something mix that was found on the side of the road by a coworker. She was about 5 weeks old at the time, and between that trauma and the chow side she's a bit antisocial though - barking mostly. She's a sweetheart too. And I have a cat of my own. Her cat is just odd and hilarious. Drinks beer out of the bottle, chirps when he sees a bird, and just has so much personality.

    I guess I'm just crazy about animals :p

  15. - Top - End - #525
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

    As I said, you're "OMG you were e-boinking" really outstrips the "How are you!" on the scale of "things to be offended and pissed off about". And this is coming from someone who is fiercely private, lol.

    Good luck. :) Make sure to take care of yourself...it's far too easy to not eat (or overeat, depending on your inclination during stressful times) during and after a break up. >> I remember having to force myself to eat.







    Also...those friends who broke up over something ostensibly silly (at least from the news we had)? Back together. So frakking happy.

    Also also...planning weddings suck. At least we're getting in to the fun food and cake tasting stages. I was able to turn my sister on to a local family run bakery that does some amazingly tasty treats. And they are Italian. I now know where we get our never-ending appetites for food and conversation.


    Edit: If you want odd, get a Russian Dwarf Hamster. They are the wacko's of the hamster world, apparently. They tend towards being mean and ornery, as well as bizzare. My friend's will push his face in to a corner and sleep with his neck at an odd angle. Saffron tends towards sleeping on her side and/or back....but only occasionally. Scares me half to death, lol.
    Last edited by Syka; 2010-06-28 at 03:20 PM.
    Show me how pretty the world is
    'Cause I envy the way that you move
    Show me how pretty the world is
    'Cause I want something a little bit louder
    Show me how pretty the world is
    'Cause you're brilliant when you try
    Show me how pretty the whole world is tonight
    -Matt Nathanson "Pretty the World"

    Various Syka-Foxes done by the wonderful Ceika

  16. - Top - End - #526
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

    Quote Originally Posted by Syka View Post
    I was able to turn my sister on to a local family run bakery that does some amazingly tasty treats. And they are Italian. I now know where we get our never-ending appetites for food and conversation.
    Gee, did you find the Cake Boss bakery? I love that program, their cakes look so taste. Prolly not though, unless you live in New Jersey. Though I heard Italians are pretty good bakers. (I wish I could get a Buddy wedding cake, that guy is amazing with cake)
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  17. - Top - End - #527
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

    Quote Originally Posted by Syka View Post
    Puppies are golden. Anecdote: Leaving my local Best Buy, which is located near a pet store, I spotted an adorable puppy with a guy and pointed said puppy out to my mom. As we go "D'aww!" I hear another pair of girls the next row of cars over doing the same. Exact. Thing.
    One of those was probably me

    ALso get a lab. They are lady killers at ANY age! When they're puppies, they're puppies. When they're adolescents, they are just the most adorably awkward things on earth with their sprawling, lanky bodies. When they're 2-8ish, they're super high energy, love to chase balls and just have fun meeting people, and above 8 they like to just lie about and be beautiful.

    As long as you raise said puppy right, grown dogs can also be lady-winners. Roscoe (the younger of Oz's parent's two dogs) plays up the puppy-dog-eyes despite being 8 years old and loves on everyone, which in turn endears everyone to him. Missy is the grumpy old lady (she's 15) and everyone loves on her because she gives off this aura of "I'm an old lady. Serve me." But neither have a tendency towards barking, biting, or jumping upon you (well...Roscoe will lean heavily, but it's not as bad as jumping). Those traits are...less than endearing. We've had random people in the neighborhood come up as we're walking the dogs to compliment their looks, including the few who are our age.
    Dogs are always puppies, as an owner you should know this

  18. - Top - End - #528
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

    I need help.

    I don't post a lot (at all, really) on the Playground, but I've been lurking recently, and you guys are always really helpful on this thread. So I thought I might as well try.

    Backstory (spoilered for length, but I'll try to keep it short):
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    For almost three years, my best friend was a guy (I'll call him Douglas) who lived many states away from me. We met over the Internet and hit it off instantly.
    As our friendship continued, we started to get a bit more personal with each other - using each other's real names, telling our secrets, that kind of thing. This led to one of my teachers becoming concerned about my safety, so she offered to call his school to see if Douglas was indeed who he said he was. And yeah, he was a real person.

    Somewhere along the line, we both took a silly quiz and found out that we were compatible (as in, romantically). We found this hilarious, and started jokingly flirting with each other and pretending we were a couple.
    But this reached a point where I actually developed feelings for him. I thought it would be bad for both of us if I ever told him, so I went into denial and refused to admit my crush to anybody - even myself.

    Then I entered my first year of high school, which was a dramatic change from my old school. Standard teenage angst + increased stress + having no friends + self-esteem problems = me becoming suicidal and clinically depressed (at least, my mother was pretty sure I had depression. She didn't want to take me to a doctor because she has something against them).
    The only thing that I thought was worth living for was Douglas. We were such good friends that just a conversation with him could make it all go away. So I fought and didn't give in, and with the support of my mother, eventually managed to claw my way out of it (mostly).

    But by that time, Douglas was having problems of his own. He wrote a letter to me (not actually mailed, just on a web page) expressing his troubles and how much he valued my friendship, because I understood and helped him through it. He ended the letter saying that he loved me (platonically).

    And that's when my denial went away. I just came right out and told him, and surprise surprise, he felt the same way. We started up a long-distance relationship, and were happy together for quite a long while.
    It was the most incredible thing I'd ever had happen to me. I'd been in romantic relationships before, but they were all started because of either physical attraction or because I was feeling lonely. My attraction to Douglas was because of who he was.
    I have my doubts as to whether people as young as me can love. But he made me forget all that. I felt that I was in love, and that we would conquer all obstacles in our way and nothing could tear us apart.

    But Douglas's problems didn't go away. Aside from a bad (understatement!) relationship with his mother, his closest male friend had turned on him, and he started telling me how much he wanted to die. I offered him a listening ear. I was his shoulder to cry on. But I began to worry that he needed more help than I could give, so I offered him the link to a website with several links to help resources. He got angry and turned them down (but later apologized).
    So I talked to my teacher about it, because I was worried and didn't want to lose him. And she called his school, who connected her to his counselor.
    When Douglas found out what I'd done, he got so angry with me. He refused to speak to me for days.

    We eventually started talking again. He apologized for the way he'd acted. But we didn't talk nearly as much as we had before the incident.
    I tried my best to keep the relationship alive, but every conversation we had was initiated by me.
    The day we hit three months, he updated his profile on a website we both frequented. Many of his 'dislikes' were things about me I'd mentioned: long hair (my hair is long), skirts (I'm kind of girly and like wearing them), lilac (my room is lilac).
    And his journal said that he'd been having doubts about something (he didn't say what).


    The following day, he broke up with me. He said that he didn't feel "that way" about me anymore, and that his heart wasn't in it, and that if we got "stuck in a relationship," it would be bad.

    So now, here I am. It's been at least two weeks since it ended.

    I feel foolish for investing so much feeling into a high school romance, especially a long-distance one. I feel lost and broken without him - I wasn't emotionally dependent on him (I hope) as I had made several new friends and was managing to enjoy life while we were together.
    But he was my best friend. He knew more about me than anyone else. I'm always pretending when I'm around people, pretending I'm somebody I'm not. It got to the point where I didn't know who I was anymore - but around him, I could be myself. We could talk about anything, and I mean anything.

    And I don't know who I am anymore. I'm so confused about myself and I wish I could have somebody to talk about it with. But I don't.

    I guess what I'm asking is...
    1. How do you get over a breakup?
    2. Is there any hope for us ever becoming friends again?
    3. How do I get a hold on my identity and stop pretending?
    4. How do I get closer to my real-life friends so that I can have people to talk to?

    If you made it through all that... thank you. I'm really nervous about posting this, but I'm just going to go ahead and click the button.

  19. - Top - End - #529
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

    Quote Originally Posted by Daschnaya View Post
    I guess what I'm asking is...
    1. How do you get over a breakup?
    2. Is there any hope for us ever becoming friends again?
    3. How do I get a hold on my identity and stop pretending?
    4. How do I get closer to my real-life friends so that I can have people to talk to?
    I'm going to preface this by saying I may not be the best person to take this kind of advice from (not exactly the king of social situations), but here are my thoughts.

    1.) Time. That's really the only answer. It helps if you fill that time with friends who can keep you occupied or some other form of activity, but even then you're still going to hurt. Relationships, especially serious ones like the one you described, hurt when they end. A lot. It's an old cliche and incredibly unhelpful in situations like this, but you just have to go with the old standby of "time heals all wounds". Give it a while. It will stop feeling like someone forcefully ripped out the most crucial chunk of your soul, then it will fade to minor flare-ups every now and then, then it will be a slightly bad memory overshadowed by the good times you two had together.

    2.) Yes, although you shouldn't expect it to ever be the same kind of friendship. A few things happened here that are going to prevent it. A.) You had a relationship. No matter what, your friendship is going to be different because of that. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change this. B.) He obviously lost trust in you. I'm not saying what you did was wrong (in fact, I agree with it. If someone is talking about suicide, you should try to get them help. I don't know the whole story though, so maybe his counselor tried to force help upon him), but he obviously feels that you have betrayed him. If your friendship continues, it may take some time for him to start opening up. C.) His reaction to your attempt at help will likely cause you to be worried about helping him in the future. The way he snapped will stick with you and possibly stop you from trying to be there for him if he starts opening up to you again. In short, you may become friends again, but he won't be the same friend you had before.

    3.) This is... well, this is tough. As someone who has dealt with the same issues most of my life, I can tell you that there is no real answer to this. The simple response is, of course, "just stop pretending", but I understand just how impossible that can be. Perhaps try becoming more yourself just a little bit at a time. Stop pretending about the things that are most important to yourself first, then progress from there. That way you don't have to face the monumental task of opening up your full nature all at once, and it also allows you to change parts of what you might see as the "real you" to better fit who you'd like to be. Or maybe not. Like I said, this is something I don't think I have an answer for.

    4.) My advice here is twofold: always be available when they need someone to seriously talk to (and learn to recognize the signs when they won't or can't verbalize that need themselves) and open yourself up to them (or at least the ones you trust). Perhaps you can tie this into number three as well. Do you have any friends that you trust more than others? Begin opening up to them. Talk to them about your hopes and fears. Tell them about what happened with your "Douglas" and ask for their advice. Don't just treat them like a depression dump though, also tell them when you had a really good day, or about that perfect dream house you hope to own some day, etc. Hopefully that will cause them to open up to you as well, and your friendship can become deeper.

  20. - Top - End - #530
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    *hug*
    Quote Originally Posted by Daschnaya View Post
    1. How do you get over a breakup?
    2. Is there any hope for us ever becoming friends again?
    3. How do I get a hold on my identity and stop pretending?
    4. How do I get closer to my real-life friends so that I can have people to talk to?
    1. Time. Find something you enjoy that is healthy and focus on that. Something like running or working out would be good, as would any creative outlet you might have. Reflect. Every time you think "I should still be in this relationship", focus on the fact that you aren't, and that you are still doing fine. Its hard, but you can will yourself through it.
    2. Maybe. It won't be soon though. Depending on how much time you need, take at least 4 weeks of complete not talking to each other. After that, talk. The time you spent apart will help you grow in yourself. Once you see that, it'll change things. You'll still feel fondness for him. I still feel fondness for almost every girl I've been in a relationship with. Its natural. But you won't feel the same as you did.
    3-4. These are kinda tied together. Find out what you are good at and focus on it. Do things you are interested in with those who share those interests. Indulge in things that interest you. Cultivate your friendships. You'll be busy with that, and at some point, you'll look back and this'll all be a memory.

    Quote Originally Posted by Daschnaya View Post
    If you made it through all that... thank you. I'm really nervous about posting this, but I'm just going to go ahead and click the button.
    Live life like just like you posted this. Plan it out, and regardless of whether it scares you, click send, metaphorically. Its scary, but once you click send, you just have to ride it out!
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  21. - Top - End - #531
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    Quote Originally Posted by Daschnaya View Post
    I guess what I'm asking is...
    1. How do you get over a breakup?
    2. Is there any hope for us ever becoming friends again?
    3. How do I get a hold on my identity and stop pretending?
    4. How do I get closer to my real-life friends so that I can have people to talk to?
    I am not the best one to talk, but I've been fighting hard to get over my last relationship (2.5 years, in person, was very invested emotionally in it, ended badly, didn't handle it well, it's been 6 months now).

    1. You don't. I hate saying it, but I STILL dream about my ex, the laughs and good times we shared, the mistakes I made, the tears I cried, the times I hurt her and she hurt me. I think this is natural, that it's our way of holding onto those people, those memories, and I think it's a good thing. Though I don't want anything to do with her anymore really, I keep those memories (though I didn't want to for a long time, up to very recently actually), and try to just remember the good times. I'll carry it with me for a long time though, sappy as that is.

    2. I don't know. It's quite possible that you'll never regain that connection that you used to have. My dad told me once, long ago, "Argus, always plan for the worst, hope it's not actually that bad, but if it is, you're damn well prepared!" I think that's good advice for damn near anything. Take it here. Plan for the possibility that you'll never be friends again, and move on. Make new friends, build those connections with other people, but don't neglect the old connection. If something happens and you do reconnect, hey! Great! If not, well, you were prepared, and won't be hurt twice.

    3. I wish I knew, I really do. I have a similarly tough query (how do I interact in a social setting and not be a total bellend?), and the answer seems to be "well, you just sorta do, you know?" Not very helpful, I know, but hey, there you have it. Only thing I can say is just try, be you, open up, take risks, sure you'll be hurt, but you'll learn and grow too. That's how it was explained to me, long ago, and it seems to work I guess.

    4. Again, the answer would look to be "well, just open up and try, ya know?" It's not super useful, but, well, at some point you just have to go for it, to take a chance. It's like bungee jumping. At some point, you just have to jump off that ledge and hope and pray you make it out alive.

    Sorry I'm not amazingly useful here, but I hope you take a little solace from my ramblings, and if not, well, I tried.

  22. - Top - End - #532
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    As someone who has gone through clinical depression and feels the need to act around others, I understand what you are going through. I'm not very good at giving out advice, so just listen to what these fine people have said.

    *hugs*
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  23. - Top - End - #533
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    Thank you, guys... thank you so much. Even if you don't think you're being helpful, or that you aren't good at advice giving, you are. It's wonderful that you can be so kind to people you know nothing about.

    I've been doing a lot of things - playing video games, watching TV, sleeping, eating excessive amounts of ice cream, etc. It helps to distract myself, although I was worried that I was just trying to cover up the problem and not deal with it.
    But I guess the only answer is time. Yeah, I have plenty of that now that summer's here. I suppose that now, after two weeks, I'm more upset about the fact that he seems to dislike me, not that he doesn't love me.

    I suppose I ought to elaborate on the "pretending" issue - don't get me wrong, your advice is very helpful, but I don't really know how to use it. See, when I say that I don't know who I am, I guess I really mean that I don't know how to act like myself.
    To friend A, I might act laid-back, relaxed, and slightly aloof, but when I'm with friend B, I would get more bouncy, loud, and start quoting Internet memes like nobody's business. I do this subconsciously, and I don't know which one of those is more "Daschnaya." Maybe they're both me. Maybe neither one is. Maybe this is all a natural part of growing up/being human and I just have to deal with it.
    But it's a problem because I end up feeling bad about what I've said. Sometimes I say very awkward things because it just seems like what my persona would do. I even do this on forums - on a forum where I'm required to reveal my age, I act childish and immature, even though that's not me. If my age can be kept ambiguous, I act more like myself.
    And it makes me sick inside, because I know that those things I said may as well not have come from my mouth. It feels fake. Like I'm putting on a costume to either impress others, or fit their expectations.
    Eh, I don't know. Maybe this is the wrong place to ask about this - it's not very relationship-related. -shrugs-

    I've prodded a couple of my most-trusted friends, asking if they have the time/patience to just talk with me over emails. Now, if I absolutely have to talk in person, face to face, I can probably set something up, but I'm very introverted and don't like to go out a lot. (This is why I have trouble making friends.)
    It makes me nervous, because I'm afraid they might not want to listen to me whine (even though I don't plan on doing that exclusively) even though I listen to them a lot. I also don't quite know what I'd say, and I don't know how they'll react to what I might say.

    But... I'm going to try. Again, thank you.

  24. - Top - End - #534
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

    Daschnaya, you just described me a few years ago, to the T. I called it masks. Different masks for different people. Nobody saw under the mask.

    I don't know what exactly changed between now and then. I think part of what happened was... well, I was able to find a friend I could talk to, but only because she needed a friend to talk to as well. I found that, through helping her, I gained the confidence to deal with my own problems.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wyntonian View Post
    What. Is. This. Madness.

  25. - Top - End - #535
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    Who you are at your most relaxed, when you feel the least pressure to fit in, is you. You probably will never find that feeling, unless you are very very lucky. Most people only have it with their 'the one'.

  26. - Top - End - #536
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

    Rama

    re: her moving out

    At this time the best thing to do is look after yourself. If you haven't already, express that you want her out of the house soon so she should start looking for a place to live. Ask for an update after 3 days to show you're serious about it.

    If she has to move 8 hours away to be with family, so be it. But she cant stay there, and it is (technically) your house, so the onus is on YOU to stay there

    prepare to get painted as the bad guy, and some may frown upon your actions/stop talking to you - but this is a good thing. Real friends will ask your side of things before making a judgement. At times like this it really is good to rid yourself of the flakes who wont even hear you out
    Last edited by xPANCAKEx; 2010-06-28 at 11:33 PM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by loopy View Post
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  27. - Top - End - #537
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    Default Re: Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

    Of course, some real friends will still frown on your actions, but only after hearing your side of it.

  28. - Top - End - #538
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    Quote Originally Posted by Daschnaya View Post
    I need help.
    I think you need confidence. More on that later
    I feel foolish for investing so much feeling into a high school romance, especially a long-distance one.
    High-school is a terrible qualifier for a relationship and I feel like it should be burned into a tiny pile of ashes. Just because you are aged 14-18 does not make your feelings any less valid. It only means that you're less experienced in dealing with them (in theory) than people who are twice your age. Unfortunately, humanity as a whole tends to build its self esteem by belittling those around them, i.e. "My love is real, your love is fake because it's blah blah blah" (exchange "homosexual" or "high school" or "teenage" or "heterosexual" for "blah blah blah"). It's just a way of reaffirming superiority over the other person.

    In my opinion, it's a mistake the vast majority of parents make. "You don't know what love is" and "it's foolish to get invested in a relationship at your age" basically say, whether or not that's the intent, "Your emotions and feelings are invalid."

    Whatever the qualifiers were on your relationship, you were as invested in the relationship as you wanted to be, and while it's easy to hindsight "Man, I shouldn't have been as into this" understand that you did not make any mistakes by loving this person or trusting him or letting him love you back. You also didn't make any mistakes by warning your counselor.

    I feel lost and broken without him - I wasn't emotionally dependent on him (I hope) as I had made several new friends and was managing to enjoy life while we were together.
    Let's be fair, you were best friends with him for several years and dating him for at least a fair amount of that time. Losing him is a huge blow. That's understandable, normal, and to be expected.

    But he was my best friend. He knew more about me than anyone else. I'm always pretending when I'm around people, pretending I'm somebody I'm not. It got to the point where I didn't know who I was anymore - but around him, I could be myself. We could talk about anything, and I mean anything.
    See above. When you lose someone like this, it will crush you. The trick is putting yourself back together.

    And I don't know who I am anymore. I'm so confused about myself and I wish I could have somebody to talk about it with. But I don't.
    I mean, I'll always talk to you about anything. But I definitely know what you mean. I kind of got involved with my best friend too, and when I found out that a miscommunication had broken her heart I found... well I found that I had no one to talk to and no one to console me. My "best friend" was over there nursing a deep hatred of me because of what she thought I had said, and all of our mutual friends, while they weren't shunning me or making me out to be the bad guy, were definitely more interested in hanging out with her and my presence was causing problems. So I lost all of those friends too.

    I definitely spiraled into depression after that one.
    I guess what I'm asking is...
    1. How do you get over a breakup?
    2. Is there any hope for us ever becoming friends again?
    3. How do I get a hold on my identity and stop pretending?
    4. How do I get closer to my real-life friends so that I can have people to talk to?
    1) Time. Time does not heal all wounds, but it is a necessary component of most cures.
    2) Yes but don't push it.
    3) You just have to meet the right people. That's how it happened with me... months after the breakp I ended up being friends with Steffy and Meagan. I am now joined at the hip with Steffy and I want Meagan more than I've wanted anyone in my life. In short? A few months after losing my best friend I made new best friends who helped me regain touch with who I am.
    4) Trust begets trust. Trust them and they will trust you, which is a nice little spiral of awesome.

    If you made it through all that... thank you. I'm really nervous about posting this, but I'm just going to go ahead and click the button.
    I know that feeling.

    Oh, and one more thing? You're young. You don't have to know who you are, you can certainly still be in the process of finding that out. Some people haven't figured it out by their fifties, and others figure it out by age like twelve.

    Life is a journey, don't get so focused on the destination that you miss the scenery. Every time you hang out with people, as long as you're comfortable and enjoying yourself, I submit that it really doesn't matter how you're acting (within reasonable limits of course). "I don't know who I am" isn't a bad thing, it's an excuse to go out and do exciting things and explore and figure it out!

    Quote Originally Posted by Serpentine View Post
    Of course, some real friends will still frown on your actions, but only after hearing your side of it.
    My response would be, "Kind of messed up that you went through her skype bro, but I can't BELIEVE she did that to you! What a <expletives deleted... lalala lalala nothing here>! I mean it's obvious now, but you're so much better off without her. That's... that's just wrong." Real friends will frown on your actions, and then that frown will probably be drowned in an unrelenting sea of rage towards your (now) ex.
    I'm agreeing with serpentine by the way
    You don't come out of it squeaky clean, but comparatively you are close. If I was her friend and she was like "Invasion of privacy!" I would respond with, "You do realize that you were cheating on him, right? And that's messed up, right?" If she didn't accede to that, she's no longer a friend of mine.
    Last edited by Superglucose; 2010-06-29 at 01:42 AM.

  29. - Top - End - #539
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    Quote Originally Posted by Daschnaya View Post
    I do this subconsciously, and I don't know which one of those is more "Daschnaya." Maybe they're both me.
    This. You aren't simply one person who can be described in a single phrase. You are a multifaceted person with a broad spectrum of interests and tastes. You are comfortable being bubbly and over the top, yet enjoy being refined and intellectual. NOBODY is gonna tell you you can't be both. Everyone, and I mean everyone, adapts a little bit to the the environment and every encounter. Thats just how we are as human beings. A little bit of our environment is imprinted upon us every day for the short term and the long.

    No facet of you is more you than you. You are you. That is that. Embrace it. Do things that make you feel comfortable, regardless of the situation. You are the master of your own domain, its one of the biggest perks of being an adult. If you are uncomfortable with how you act in certain situations, avoid those situations. Distance yourself from people that make you feel uncomfortable, and cling to the people who make you most relaxed. Cherish your friends, but don't be closed to the possibility of making new ones. People bump into each other all the time, figuratively and literally. Next time that happens, smile big, hold out your hand and say "Hi, I'm Daschnaya." Its intimidating, but just like that first message, once you click "send", you've already set into motion a conversation, so you might as well continue it.

    Does this make sense?
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  30. - Top - End - #540
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    Quote Originally Posted by Daschnaya View Post
    I guess what I'm asking is...
    1. How do you get over a breakup?
    2. Is there any hope for us ever becoming friends again?
    3. How do I get a hold on my identity and stop pretending?
    4. How do I get closer to my real-life friends so that I can have people to talk to?
    Just trying to add my two cents because I can relate somewhat to what you´re saying.

    1. A tough one, it is different for everybody. You mentioned that you´re keeping yourself busy and that you may be worried about not dealing with the situation. Some people deal with it by staying busy. Sitting on the couch eating ice cream while crying (sorry for the cliche) is not for everybody. Personally I think it is good of you to keep going on with your life. How hard it may be.

    2. These things are usually very difficult. Especially if one of the two is still in love with the other. The best thing I think you could do now is keep your distance from him. Not only because he has many difficult issues in his life going on, but also because you need to heal. Get over him so to speak. Perhaps it is best to let the contact come from him. Maybe he'll realize that what he did was... well kind of mean (honestly, posting a page with things he dislikes that indirectly refer to you is kind of mean after the things you did for him), but he is right now emotionally tied up. Maybe even in a state where he can't see that you wanted to be there for him. This doesn't mean he'll fall for you again, but at least realize in time that you were a good friend.

    3. Well this is a silly answer but well, stop pretending. If you don't know when you're pretending anymore or what is your real opinion, you might have to take time and sort this out first. Get a blank piece of paper and write down your feelings and thoughts. Or maybe go find a question list about your likes and dislikes and think about it for a while. Then when you're in a conversation with someone, speak your mind and what you truly think/believe. Baby steps, just start with something simple.

    4. You could call your friends and ask them to go see a movie. Then you'll be spending time with them but don't have to talk a lot yet. Or maybe just go out to grab a snack. Invite them to do small fun things to do, you don't have to plan a while day out. During these events you'll automatically start to talk and through talking you can create a bond with your friends.

    I hope this helps. Also, don't feel bad about investing so much time in this relationship. It might be during high school but 'adults' do these things too. It just happens more regularly in high school. Maybe its hormonal, maybe it's psychological, I don't know. I just know that during that time people will fall and can fall hard.
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