Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

[Superglucose]

Her family was driving to visit her and was in a car crash. None survived. So she was dumped with NO FAMILY in an ICU trying to survive breast cancer. At age 15.

Sometimes I hate the world.

But I love her to death. She is so strong and wonderful, though she's convinced no guy could ever love her because of the scars on her chest. She's wrong. She's wonderful and amazing and she should have an equally wonderful and amazing guy sweep her off her feet.

Not me though, I odn't speak dutch.

[Serpentine]

Oh, wow. Yeah, that's extreme.

[term1nally s1ck]

If I spoke dutch, I'd consider asking for some kind of contact info. As crazy as it sounds, I've started to think that the only women who would be anywhere near strong enough for me to be interested are those who've suffered a similar amount to myself. I can't stand the women who go on and on about some little piece of gossip like it's the only thing that matters to them, I'm looking for someone who will happily walk down a street with me and just be happy that we're alive, and I know they're out there (I've met 2-3).

All I can say is that she WILL find someone amazing. If she's survived that she has a strength of personality that the very best of guys find incredibly attractive, and she'll run into one one day.

[Syka]

Lightturtle, seriously...I can't say this enough- get professional help. I'm not a psychologist, but what you described sounds a lot like what happened to a friend of mine with schizophrenia. Obsessive thoughts, voices urging him to hurt others, memory loss around the time of onset, etc.

Even if it's not something that serious, you need help. A bit of advice: what with the voices and all, they'll likely put you on an anti-psychotic. These can sometimes have pretty icky side effects (one particular drug made my friend constantly shake and made him unable to be around groups of people longer than about an hour). Additionally, some may not work for you. Do NOT be afraid to let your doctor know if the medicine isn't working, if that is the route they decide to take, because it's YOUR health.


Coid, that...well, it's actually very likely she's marking territory AND/OR actually extending an olive branch. It could be both or either. In befriending That Girl on Myspace, it was partly a "Hey, look, we're happy. Back off." but also a "Well, my boyfriend is friends with you so there must be something cool, lets talk." My advice? Actually engage in conversation with Patricia. The fact you sent the first message is very good in that respect.

Just...make no moves on Alijcia. Patricia would likely not like that.

Also, bi does not open to threesomes make. I mean, she might be open, but...unless you know for sure their stance, I'd avoid that.

[loopy]

Anyone have any advice on being torn between three girls?

[Umael]

Anyone have any advice on being torn between three girls?

Avoid the ones with sharp teeth and claws.

[J.Gellert]

Anyone have any advice on being torn between three girls?

Yes, remember that you need to switch protection between them.

[Lillith]

Her family was driving to visit her and was in a car crash. None survived. So she was dumped with NO FAMILY in an ICU trying to survive breast cancer. At age 15.

Sometimes I hate the world.

But I love her to death. She is so strong and wonderful, though she's convinced no guy could ever love her because of the scars on her chest. She's wrong. She's wonderful and amazing and she should have an equally wonderful and amazing guy sweep her off her feet.

Not me though, I odn't speak dutch.

Dutch can always be learned. For one there are some Dutch people on this forum (including myself) else you can buy like 'Dutch for Dummies'.

[loopy]

I meant emotionally torn, but thanks for the sage advice, Playgrounders.

[Coidzor]

^: Well, you have to examine your feelings for them, why you have the feelings you do, and contemplate the nature of the feelings for each.

Then you have to do calculus to determine who it is you want and whether the opposition to it is sufficient to actually change your answer to who you'll go after instead.

Now if you get into a tie in the middle of this process, I sadly don't know of how to break the deadlock other than continuing casually with them and seeing how things develop.

Coid, that...well, it's actually very likely she's marking territory AND/OR actually extending an olive branch. It could be both or either. In befriending That Girl on Myspace, it was partly a "Hey, look, we're happy. Back off." but also a "Well, my boyfriend is friends with you so there must be something cool, lets talk." My advice? Actually engage in conversation with Patricia. The fact you sent the first message is very good in that respect.

Just...make no moves on Alijcia. Patricia would likely not like that.

Also, bi does not open to threesomes make. I mean, she might be open, but...unless you know for sure their stance, I'd avoid that.

Indeed. I'm just... I dunno, completely out of my element here. I've never even had something similar happen with a heterosexual relationship before, so, yeah, first time completely. It being new to me means I don't know what to make of it and I'm one of those losers who has difficulty when first encountering something new because it's new rather than for any actual legitimate reason.

I hate having my brain setup sometimes. Is so weird, I love exploring, but when it comes to having to do new things or interpersonal stuff, uncharted territory or things I've never done before and am not completely sure of my abilities and knowledge terrify and vex me despite my best efforts to A. stop being a social **** wit and B. stop being a perfectionist at all.

I guess part of me just hates the feeling that it might be something coordinated by the both of them as some kind of test to determine whether to completely break off contact with me or not.

I hate the feeling of being tested or under the microscope. It sorta brings up the dim memories of my ancestors and their barbarian rage.

And Yeah, most of me (that is, the parts that actually think rather than trying to slide through life like a dagger) doubts they'd be receptive, given the stereotype of people either fantasizing about such things about them or trying for 'em, at least not at this stage. See, I thought they were rather loveydovey when I only saw Alicja's facebook page. Now that I see Patricia's too. @_@ Just... It sorta makes me want to curl up and die, and I can't tell if that's the jealousy talking or my lack of stomach for such extreme public things.

[Superglucose]

If I spoke dutch, I'd consider asking for some kind of contact info. As crazy as it sounds, I've started to think that the only women who would be anywhere near strong enough for me to be interested are those who've suffered a similar amount to myself. I can't stand the women who go on and on about some little piece of gossip like it's the only thing that matters to them, I'm looking for someone who will happily walk down a street with me and just be happy that we're alive, and I know they're out there (I've met 2-3).

If you were able to speak dutch or anywhere near the Netherlands I would give it to you. She's totally fluent in english else I wouldn't be able to talk to her (what do you call someone who can only speak one language? american. Yadda yadda) and it's not like it's *hard* to talk to her at all. She just wants to live in the Netherlands, and I am not willing to live in a country who's language I do not speak. At the very least, she could use a friend or two to hang out with outside of school.

All I can say is that she WILL find someone amazing. If she's survived that she has a strength of personality that the very best of guys find incredibly attractive, and she'll run into one one day.

I know. She is also extremely pretty with a very mature look and the most excellent dreads you will ever see. This girl is a catch but no one in that country seems to realize it

Dutch can always be learned. For one there are some Dutch people on this forum (including myself) else you can buy like 'Dutch for Dummies'.

It could be learned, but how well? I'm terrible at learning new languages. Plus there are other reasons I want to live in California. First, pretty much my whole family is here or Arizona, second, the geography here is amazing.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Frist, you've prolly thought about this a lot, but think over it again, moving to another country(Especially inter-continental) is a really big step(even more so if only to support a girl(Even if you think she's awesome and such))

The geography in the Netherlands...Well sucks, unless you like water, loads of it. We mainly have cities and farmland. Family is important, especially if you have strong bonds with them, soo...yeah.

Maybe you could look up other dutch immigrants or something in the area/state?

Dutch is reasonably easy to learn the basics of. I strongly recommend starting to learn before you move. The dutch are pretty accepting of foreigners/americans moving in and most of us speak english(Not fluently but good enough).
Your biggest problem is, is that as soon as we notice a accent or a lacking dutch, most of us will switch over to english to ''help you'' or whatever and this might be troubling for your learning dutch.(Or the occasional case of their english being bad)

Lillith: You should come to the next Dutch Meet-up, whenever that is.

[Superglucose]

EDIT: Just realized the misconception.

This girl is fluent in english. Well fluent enough, at least. She misses out on some of the nuances of the language at times and her vocabulary surprises me sometimes considering the quality of her grammar (as in, her vocabulary isn't as big as I would expect from someone who had that grasp on grammar). As I've told her many times, it's depressing that her English is better than half the idiots in my honors english class (no joke) back in high school.

When i say "someone will sweep her off her feet, but not me because I don't speak dutch" I mean to say "Someone will sweep her off her feet, but it won't be me because I don't want to live in the Netherlands, and the big reason I veto living in the netherlands is because I don't speak dutch."

As for the family, that's... not an issue. She may have been close with her family, but she has no family now except the nurse who adopted her. Because of all that happened, she is really shy and doesn't think anyone could find her attractive.

[Eadin]

Like Lillith said, dutch is easy to learn
only problem is grammar, dutch grammar lacks logic...

Also, I quite like the Netherlands.And water...
Much better than Belgium, anyway...
But I wouldn't move there because of a girl.
You should visit before you decide things like that ...
If she needs a friend close to the netherlands, you can always give her my infoI'll take her shopping and stuff

[Lillith]

Lillith: You should come to the next Dutch Meet-up, whenever that is.

Yeah, though I'm not sure if the Dutch community is that big over here. I'm sure that the closest meet up is in the UK. Though over here would be easy, everything is just an hours drive anyway!

EDIT: Just realized the misconception.

This girl is fluent in english. Well fluent enough, at least. She misses out on some of the nuances of the language at times and her vocabulary surprises me sometimes considering the quality of her grammar (as in, her vocabulary isn't as big as I would expect from someone who had that grasp on grammar).

Common misconception is that some other speaking countries don't speak English. I remember when my boyfriend (also an American) came here, I couldn't convince him he didn't have to worry about a language barrier. Most people here are pretty good in English. At least my generation is.

As I've told her many times, it's depressing that her English is better than half the idiots in my honors english class (no joke) back in high school.

Still they can't even spell or use grammar in Dutch. But hell, that's a problem in every country. I hate 'internet speak'. English is an easy language to learn though. I was near fluent when I was 10/11 years old.

As for the family, that's... not an issue. She may have been close with her family, but she has no family now except the nurse who adopted her. Because of all that happened, she is really shy and doesn't think anyone could find her attractive.

Sounds like someone I've heard of via others. I feel kind of bad for her. Things must be so hard on her right now. She's just as old as my students and I can't see them dealing with things like this.

[Superglucose]

Common misconception is that some other speaking countries don't speak English. I remember when my boyfriend (also an American) came here, I couldn't convince him he didn't have to worry about a language barrier. Most people here are pretty good in English. At least my generation is.

That's mostly not the point though. I wouldn't like to live in a country where I don't speak the native language...and I'm sure I could pick it up if I moved right now, but I can't do that nor do I want to do that. Leave my friends and family for a girl? Nope. Not happening.

Much better than Belgium, anyway...

My grandmother was Belgian and then emmigrated to the US with some US army mechanic who later ended up being my grandfather

[Eadin]

My grandmother was Belgian and then emmigrated to the US with some US army mechanic who later ended up being my grandfather

Awww, that's so cute
Ever been there?

[Superglucose]

Awww, that's so cute
Ever been there?

No I have not. I have been to central America, Hawaii, most of the contiguous 48 states, and British Columbia. I intend to study abroad either during my next couple years of undergrad or during med school/residency/fellowship and take that time to visit all over Europe to do the things I need to do.

So far I have to play drunk Allegiance in Edinburgh, London, and London, have dinner and a movie with Fay Gordon, settle a bet with someone in England as well, have this dutch girl buy me a beer, ski in Austria with a guy named Bathawk, have an all-night movie marathon with a girl in Rome, visit Belgium, have beers with a guy in Croatia, have beers with a guy in Hungary, and convince a guy in Finland to play wingman for me in a Finnish bar while I have wonderfully raccuous arguments with him about everything and anything.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Yeah, though I'm not sure if the Dutch community is that big over here. I'm sure that the closest meet up is in the UK. Though over here would be easy, everything is just an hours drive anyway!

Well considering we've had something like 4-5 meet-ups before.
The big thing is though, most people don't just announce they're dutch or have it in their location. And I'm no that in touch with the newer kids on the block like you.

Most of us oldies don't post that much anymore(if any) but are still up for meet-ups. So we want to, but don't really get around to organising stuff.

Also the belgian people itp are growing suddenly, I noticed. Weird.

Glucose: You said it yourself: Not happening.
Perhaps my advice of seeking some native dutch/belgian /speaking people in your area? That might help her''homesickness'' or whatever?
Dunno how I can offer advice on her wanting to move back, you not wanting to go(Very understandable) and you still wanting to help.

[Eadin]

Also the belgian people itp are growing suddenly, I noticed. Weird.

Really?
The only other Belgian here I know is MrEdwardNigma , who showed me this place...

[Superglucose]

Glucose: You said it yourself: Not happening.
Perhaps my advice of seeking some native dutch/belgian /speaking people in your area? That might help her''homesickness'' or whatever?
Dunno how I can offer advice on her wanting to move back, you not wanting to go(Very understandable) and you still wanting to help.

Oh.

No, she lives in the netherlands right now. I live in California right now.

[Dallas-Dakota]

Really?
The only other Belgian here I know is MrEdwardNigma , who showed me this place...

Ah, knew he was behind it!
There's Captain Happy, and some others I think.

Oh.

No, she lives in the netherlands right now. I live in California right now.

Ah.

[Eadin]

Ah, knew he was behind it!
There's Captain Happy, and some others I think.

lol, really? how?
I shall go introduce myself to Captain Happy now

[Dallas-Dakota]

He's a devious dude he is, just knew he was behind it, met him at one of the meet-ups.

In fact, you should ask him about the next dutch meet-up(he's one of regular attendees)

Which may possibly be held in Antwerpen. Or at my place(hour away by train from Antwerpen)

Anyway, on topiiic.
I have a date tomorrow. I really have no idea what I'm going to do or am supposed to do except be kind and not rude and such.

[Eadin]

He's a devious dude he is, just knew he was behind it, met him at one of the meet-ups.

In fact, you should ask him about the next dutch meet-up(he's one of regular attendees)

Which may possibly be held in Antwerpen. Or at my place(hour away by train from Antwerpen)

Yeah, I know about the meet-ups, we used to date
I might come if it's not near the end of august...

Anyway, on topiiic.
I have a date tomorrow. I really have no idea what I'm going to do or am supposed to do except be kind and not rude and such.

you've got the basics :)
make sure you look decent and be yourself, that's the most important thing

[The Succubus]

SuperGlucose, I'm actually in a position very similar to yours, or perhaps one step ahead. I'm currently in a LDR with a girl from Denmark and she is the light of my life. Flying out there was one of the easiest things in the world to do, because I really wanted to. The hardest bit was plucking up the courage to kiss her for the first time, given the length of time we've known each other (8 years, on off). I've been out there a further couple of times and she's heading over here in August for a week (at Centreparcs :D). Like your Dutch friend, she's fluent in English and I can speak only a few words of Danish...but I'm trying and that's the key bit. Granted, most of my attempts at pronunciation usually induce fits of giggles from her but it makes me smile when she laughs, so hell with it.

I'm rambling again and I'm sure my personal life isnt that interesting but let me ask you one question:

If you were together, would it make you both happy?

If the answer is "Yes", grab that phrasebook, grab that passport and don't look back. I haven't. =)

*****

DD - My advice to you would be to avoid thinking "date". Thinking "date" is much like thinking "exam" in that it induces excessive amounts of anxiety. which doesn't make things easier. If you think "meeting a friend", it becomes a lot easier and less intimidating. If you play it by ear, so to speak, then your natural personality will show through and that's what she's really interested in finding out about.

Please note that previous relationship advice dispensed by MasamuneSSX has resulted in trauma, psychosis, one incident of arson and two separate weddings. You have been warned.

[shadow_archmagi]

I have a date tomorrow. I really have no idea what I'm going to do or am supposed to do except be kind and not rude and such.

Do you have a sister or something? I find that talking to girls is a great way to finding out all the signals and hidden meanings and crap. Obviously this forum also has girls who can give helpful advice, but one in your area/age-group will probably be your best bet.

Suggestion: Give her a flower. A bouquet might be a bit much for a first date but just a little pink thingummy should do it.

[term1nally s1ck]

.........

Arson??????

[Quincunx]

Arson, indeed. *sniff* All I ever had burned in my name was a forum.

[Superglucose]

Massume, you're wrong. My situation is this: My friend's cancer is coming back. This isnt' an LDR, this isn't a question of whether or not I'm moving to the netherlands (I'm not) or whether or not I want to date her.

It's simply that I'm not sure how I'm going to help her hold herself together if her cancer comes back.

I'm not in or interested in an LDR (except with one person), I'm not going to move out of the country, and I definitely can't afford to move out of the country.