Relationship Woes and Advice: The Thirteenth Woerier

[Form]

So I've asked a girl at work for coffee in the coffee lounge there a few times and she accepted those invitations, but she doesn't seem very talkative for the most part. Generally she seems to just drink coffee and eat lunch on her own in her office and I'd like to chalk it up to shyness, but I know full well that's just wishthinking.

I kind of wish she'd just decline the offer with a 'too busy' or something like that. I think I'll just ask her for coffee a few more times as we've only had coffee on a couple of occasions and to see how it goes, but it's probably best to leave things be if it continues on like this.

Ah well, at least I learned to A) take some initiative and B) that it's not so scary after all. That's something at least, right?

[MrEdwardNigma]

Form, maybe the best way to find out if she's actually interested and just shy or something is by asking her out for something other than coffee at work? Ask her if she'd like to go out and eat dinner or see a movie sometime?

And yeah, even if she says no, the bright lining is that you dared to ask her.

[Umael]

Now, if they were all people who caused you pain intentionally, then you'd have a problem. But otherwise . . . just people. Doing their people thing.

*causes Dragonrider pain*

What? I'm a people!

*pause*
*causes Dragonrider pain... with mint frosting!*

The act of blocking is fraught with rebuke. I cycle people on and off my ignore list on chats when they are in the thrall of the drama llama, but I do them the courtesy of letting them know I'm going to put them on ignore for the next X hours and please don't continue to expend your chat energies in this direction.

This is a good idea.

*is rebuked, despite not being undead yet*

So I've asked a girl at work for coffee in the coffee lounge there a few times and she accepted those invitations, but she doesn't seem very talkative for the most part. Generally she seems to just drink coffee and eat lunch on her own in her office and I'd like to chalk it up to shyness, but I know full well that's just wishthinking.

I kind of wish she'd just decline the offer with a 'too busy' or something like that. I think I'll just ask her for coffee a few more times as we've only had coffee on a couple of occasions and to see how it goes, but it's probably best to leave things be if it continues on like this.

Ah well, at least I learned to A) take some initiative and B) that it's not so scary after all. That's something at least, right?

Okay, serious time.

Is she normally quiet? Did you let her know that you were interested in her, or was this just "coffee-time"?

Also, bravo on taking the initiative. Even if it doesn't work with her, you know you can do this again with someone else.

[Eadin]

Maybe ask her to go for drinks after work.
If she's shy, an actual date might scare her.
Drinks are casual + good opportunity to talk
Anyways, it's great you dared to ask her to go for coffee!

[Dragonrider]

*causes Dragonrider pain*

What? I'm a people!

*pause*
*causes Dragonrider pain... with mint frosting!*

I call intention on this! Owwww!

[Form]

Is she normally quiet? Did you let her know that you were interested in her, or was this just "coffee-time"?

I think she's normally quiet, but I've hardly seen her interact with other folks at the university so I'm not exactly sure about this.

There is a semi-official time for a coffee break when you can expect a lot of people in the coffee room. I've had coffee with her outside of the "official" break, but everyone can just walk to the lounge for coffee any time they want to. It's pretty much just "coffee-time". I haven't attempted any flirting with her, so I don't think she has a clue.

[Pheehelm]

I'm thinking strong introvert.

As far as introversion/extroversion goes, what are you?

How do your interactions with her outside coffee time go?

How about during coffee time? Do you ask open-ended questions? Does she answer them with a mere "yes" or "no," or is she otherwise tight-lipped?

Why is it wishful thinking to chalk her behavior up to shyness?

Flirt more!

[Lord Loss]

Quite honestly this does sound like shyness, although more information would be needed before i'm sure.

[Form]

I'm thinking strong introvert.

As far as introversion/extroversion goes, what are you?

I'm an introvert, though not as much as I used to be. I'd say I'm a slight to medium introvert now.

How do your interactions with her outside coffee time go?

I don't really see her other than that. There are presentations of someone's work at the faculty on a regular basis, but when we both go there we do so seperately and don't sit together. I don't want to impose too much and she's either not interested or just doesn't take any initiative.

How about during coffee time? Do you ask open-ended questions? Does she answer them with a mere "yes" or "no," or is she otherwise tight-lipped?

I asked open ended questions as well as close ended ones, I think. My memory of our conversations gets a little fuzzy on this point, but maybe that's something I can improve upon. It's just that when a silence falls, I'm usually the one that has to fill it.

It isn't as if I ask a question and she just goes "no/yes" and that's it. To be honest, I'm not really sure how to describe our conversations during coffee right now. They're not strange or tense though.

Why is it wishful thinking to chalk her behavior up to shyness?

Flirt more!

I just don't want to jump to any conclusions or expect too much. Also, my flirting skills are non-existant. I'm thinking now I should just ask her out one of these days. At least it'll give me clarity and then I can stop worrying about it.

My, my, it seems I've been hogging the thread a bit.

[MountainKing]

Also, my flirting skills are non-existant.

I'm gonna home in on this statement specifically, and call shenanigans, because I hold that there is no such thing as flirting "skill". If you're consciously trying to do it, it's not actually flirting. I say that, because I can't count the number of times my friends have cajoled me for making conversation with women on the grounds of "flirting", and yet I've never, EVER actually tried to do it. In fact, I'm convinced that, you can't actually flirt by will; if it isn't a natural reaction, then you're faking it, and that's just not nice.

In short: Shenanigans. Do it anyway.

[Eadin]

yeah, flirting comes naturally, especially if you like the person.
Just try it...

[Keld Denar]

Flirting is easy to optimize. Max out your ranks when you level up, buy masterwork tools for the competance bonus, cast a spell to give yourself a sizeable Insight bonus, and make sure you have the Skill Mastry ability so you can "take 10" even in stressful situations. If that fails, you might want to look into either an enhancement or inherant bonus to your Cha score, but those tend to be expensive.

Wait...was this RL RW&A?

[Eadin]

Yeah, in real life , people don't level up or have charisma scores...
shame...

[Pyrian]

Side-stepping the RP diversion... Flirting is poorly defined, but I assure you, there are plenty of people to whom it - and many other social skills which come very naturally to the bulk of the population - simply does not come naturally to them. (Many of these people are nerds and frequent forums, BTW.)

Unfortunately, there's probably no way to know for sure whether Form's object of affection is merely shy or actually uninterested. I've encountered both, and they can be frustratingly difficult to tell apart.

[MountainKing]

All I know is, once it's been brought to my attention that I've been doing it, I cease to be able to continue.

My advice to Form, as un-bent toward my own experience as it possibly could be is, don't think too hard about it. Just try to be yourself and let the flirting happen if it's going to happen.

[Eadin]

^what the viking said

[xPANCAKEx]

Malfunctioned

i'll wade into this one:

i think its been said already, but she cant have things back to how they were between you without things BEING how they were between you. And since you've both moved on and changed, thats pretty much rules it out.

You're different people now - and will interact in different ways (even if many of those ways are very similar to how you used to do it).

also - she pulled a foul by asking for that emotional intimacy when shes involved with someone else. On that basis alone you have all right to be offended and can tell her to do one if you so choose. As syka said, be friends, but not close friends

[Superglucose]

I'm thinking strong introvert.

As far as introversion/extroversion goes, what are you?

I'm both

Seriously I have mood swings in that regard. Some days I need people some days I will stab anyone who tries to get close. Mostly I'm extroverted though.

[Demons_eye]

So for the last few times I remember having dreams, I have dreamed of a girl. It is rare for me to remember a dream and out of the 10 a year I remember, only one that might not be a nightmare. The dreams are not sensual but they invoke strong feelings in me. First and forth most I like where we are at now but I don't like regrets, not telling her might haunt me later, and shes 17 and I just turned 19.

My question is should I just choke on it and hope the dreams go away or should I tell her?

The only reason I ask is becuase I am one of those nuts that thinks dreams have meaning.

[Pheehelm]

What is your relationship with her currently like?

What would you like it to be?

Care to share any details about what goes on in these dreams?

[Demons_eye]

What is your relationship with her currently like?

Friends, we both graduate from the same high school and are still hanging out this summer.

What would you like it to be?

Don't know all I think I know is I have strong feelings for her.

Care to share any details about what goes on in these dreams?

In one shes at a local joint in a red dress, looking stunning, and asks if I would meet her father. In another a person broke in the school, shooter I assumed, and we where in lock down. Most are really random but those are the two that make the most sense.

[xPANCAKEx]

Demons_eye

If you like her, then ask her out and make a move - unless the age thing is too much of a problem. Then avoid like the plague. And by like her, i mean you can actually consciously be aware of it... not just interpretting some dream to tell yourself that you 'must like her'

don't mention the dream stuff. Unless shes another "dreams have meanings" nut then it can only get more and more awkward

[Pheehelm]

Hmm. I definitely wouldn't tell her about the dreams for now, that's likely to come off as "creepy" no matter how you go about it.

Meh. Ask her out on something date-like, see how it goes.

[Superglucose]

Demons_eye

If you like her, then ask her out

First (and only) law of dating.

[Demons_eye]

First (and only) law of dating.

Age thing is the only thing stopping me up to this point. Thanks for the advice everyone.

[Superglucose]

19/2+7 = 16.5 < 17

You're golden, bro.

[arguskos]

First (and only) law of dating.

BZZT wrong! There are two laws of dating:

1. Ask the person out dammit.
2. Don't be a creep.

[Superglucose]

Wrong again! Manner of asking out is a part of the first law, second article.

I never said that was the full text of the law

[arguskos]

Wrong again! Manner of asking out is a part of the first law, second article.

I never said that was the full text of the law

Law #2 is in general, not just during the asking out. "Dating" is a big category dude.

[skywalker]

All I know is, once it's been brought to my attention that I've been doing it, I cease to be able to continue.

Just 'cause you've got performance anxiety. I will readily admit that I get less smooth as I get more and more self-conscious (and as the action in question becomes more and more important to me), but your inability to continue (at least as compared to my own experience) does not imply that flirting cannot be consciously improved. Just that you have a block about knowing what you're doing.

I do believe that flirting comes natural to some people, and just like some other things, natural flirters will help less natural flirters along. It's kinda like how good basketball players make other player on their team better, sometimes almost effortlessly. But all the same, you can make a conscious effort and get better at flirting. It's just like making a conscious effort and improving the way you interact with normal people.