Iron Poet X

[Vaynor]

You don't have to file for an extension, if you post your poem late it will simply be noted that yours has been used up.

Man, between grad parties (others, as well as my own), birthdays (18 now) and packing for the cottage, I'm amazed I got this done on time.

Happy birthday, I just turned 18 recently as well.

[TFT]

Prompt: Posterity

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A man turns twenty-five today,
which is about the time, they say,
this man will maybe find a spouse.
These two will then combine their things,
and both will be exchanging rings,
and both will live inside one house.
You may think that this act is small,
and really won't be much at all.
(With billions on earth, it’s true.)
But this man may then have two sons,
who, in turn, have other ones,
and also they’ll have children too.
Increasing exponentially,
the amount of his posterity
will number hundreds, maybe more.
Now even that might not be much
but hundreds more lives each will touch.
The number of lives affected will soar.
His actions, his personality
What he does, will probably
affect everyone I've said before.
This man will just live out his life,
Oblivious that all his strife,
will transcend to so much more.

[billtodamax]

The suspense is killing me!

Plus I really wanna read Devi's poem.

[drengnikrafe]

Sorry I'm late with this. I was away from my computer all of today (by that I mean the second, not the third, which I suppose it technically is), and it was just today (still the second) that I got finished with it. I apologize on the lateness, I use my freebie. I'll be more prompt next time, I swear.
So, without further ado...
Prompt: Blur.
Poem: Dancer

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As all the people cheer
she stands upon a stage
dressed in beautiful clothes
hers is the perfect life

The spotlights shining down
the glitter in her hair
she begins to twirl
it all becomes a blur

The black and white shades of her soul
fade to grey in the whirlwind
the people only hear laughter
the people only see the show

A hundred thousand heartbreaks
hide beneath her mask
A lifetime of resentment
lurks beneath her clothes

There is none who can see through the blur.

[PhoeKun]

I think at this point it's safe to say I'm not going to make it.

Not going to make excuses. I allowed myself to become distracted, and didn't allow myself enough time to get the prompt to work for me.

Still working on it, but at my rate of progress I don't think I'm going to make it under the wire. I'm very sorry, Helgraf and everyone.

edit: officially out of time now. Just as well. I wasn't close.

[Devigod]

Happy birthday, I just turned 18 recently as well.

Thanks! You too.

Plus I really wanna read Devi's poem.

It's pretty much okay to read it after the deadline+extension. (Which I think would be around 8 mins from now), but honestly, I don't mind if you want to check it out now. I doubt you'll change your poem at the last second based on what you find and the competition is supposed to be about the poetry anyway.

[Errandir]

Spoilered to keep judges away:

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Elvaris, that was one of the funniest things I've read in a while.

[Helgraf]

I think at this point it's safe to say I'm not going to make it.

Not going to make excuses. I allowed myself to become distracted, and didn't allow myself enough time to get the prompt to work for me.

Still working on it, but at my rate of progress I don't think I'm going to make it under the wire. I'm very sorry, Helgraf and everyone.

edit: officially out of time now. Just as well. I wasn't close.

:hug:

I wants rematch. This not fair "last time". *sage nod*

[mrpitchfork]

I think at this point it's safe to say I'm not going to make it.

Not going to make excuses. I allowed myself to become distracted, and didn't allow myself enough time to get the prompt to work for me.

Still working on it, but at my rate of progress I don't think I'm going to make it under the wire. I'm very sorry, Helgraf and everyone.

edit: officially out of time now. Just as well. I wasn't close.

Write it anyway. Art isn't just for contests you know!

[The Extinguisher]

So I've had a very busy weekend, and I'm only able to look at poems starting today. I promise I'll have the results up as soon as possible.

[Devigod]

No worries. Having officially experienced it from the judge's side of the board, the first round is always the most daunting/toughest because of its size.

We're patient pandas.

[truemane]

Okay. General notes. There was some really quality work in this round. It's nice to see so much structured verse and nice to see so many poets taking risks and trying out unusual things. So, great work everyone.

I'm going to apologize if my critiques aren't as in-depth or as long as maybe they've been in the past. I'd forgotten how much work it is to this job the right way and time is ever and forever my enemy. I'll spend more time on each piece as the number of them decreases in future rounds.

If anyone would like any further commentary on their entry, feel free to PM me and I'll do what I can.

And all that's left to say is...

ROUND ONE - FIGHT!

Devigod vs. billtodamax
Prompt: Host

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Devigod

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This one was good. Better than some of the others I've seen from you, Devi. We've talked about your tendency to get lost in your grammatical digressions and the cost-benefit analysis of over/under punctuating and about the way you seem to obscure meaning intentionally.

But there wasn't any of this here. The diction and word usage are arcane, for sure and the grammar quite convoluted, but it's quite understandable for all that, and even quite fluid.

My favourite bit is this:

But now an omen does attest,
Or rather air, with smoke implies:
That o'er the next 'ere hilltop crest,
A settlement may yet arise.

I love that second line. A conditional clause and then another subconditional, then back to the dependant clause in the third line, and away, and all of it looking and sounding like people do it every day.

Cool beans. And I admit, when at the end it was Cain, I said, in my head, 'Awesome.' Didn't see it coming, but wraps the whole thing up very well, and your conclusion is interesting and valid.

Sole regret: I might have liked the host's choice to accept Cain into his home to have had some weight and meaning. Maybe there was some darkening of the sky to indicate it was a bad idea, or maybe make it clear that he let the guy in, even knowing he was Cain and marked by God.

And that last stanza could very well be said by the host himself, since as the one and only value judgment in a poem exclusively built on physical description, it could naturally be someone's opinion, commenting on the experience the narrator has just presented.

But other than that, nice work. Thank you.

billtodamax

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I'm sorry, bill, but I didn't like this one at all. It opens with a bunch of neutral declarations that neither reveal the scene nor offer any commentary on it. The refrain-like repetition n every second line makes the piece feel stilted and halting when some free-flowing energy might actually have helped some.

And then, right at end, when the evening turns, the language grows harsh and abusive. And you haven't done anything, said anything, indicated or revealed anything that would earn the chance to use that kind of language and so, to me, it comes off as exploitative. Or attention-seeking. Certainly there's nothing here, no character trait or slant or angle on the material from which that kind of language grows organically. So it feels just tacked on. For effect. Like you didn't have anything else to add so you figured some bad words would be cool. Like an explicit sex scene in an otherwise PG movie.

And your conclusion doesn't work. What indication have we had that the woman in question thinks she's 'better than them?' This is clearly the narrator’s party, the narrator's event, the narrator's reputation on the line and the narrator feels himself to be the victim here. Same with 'This is your big chance, you can't blow it!' I'm pretty sure this narrator would say 'This is MY big chance, you can't blow it!'

Otherwise he wouldn't talk like that in the opening and middle sections. If it really had been her party, her guests, he would have stood back, away from the action, commenting on how many ways she'll screw it all up. And, in not helping at all, might very well have contributed to the party failing, and then, when it did, he would have launched into his diatribe about how he knew it all the time.

That might have made a poem. But this one, as it stands, is a total misfire.

Verdict

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Devigod.

Kurama vs. Elvaris
Prompt: harrow

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Kurama

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The Torture of an enemy

Too much and not enough. This piece feels to me like you had something specific and simple to say and then went about deliberately obfuscating it in 'poetry' so that it would be harder to understand. And so, instead of a specific experience or thought or idea expressed in evocative terms, you have a string of circumlocutions that don't communicate anything much at all.

What's this about? Domestic abuse? Grudges? Clan wars? Maybe you say it's about all of them, but it has to be about something before it can be about everything.

Also, small thing, you use the word 'harrowed' at least one time too many. If you're going to go with '...harrowed mind ...harrowed soul' then I'd strike it from the first stanza. It's a strange word and the repetition is awkward.

There's some neat stuff in this one, to be sure, Kurama, but overall I'd have to call it a misfire.

Elvaris

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Hey. Nice work, Elvaris. This one's really good. The last time we spoke you submitted two pieces that were outside your comfort zone, soon after you mentioned you were trying to stretch yourself. And I felt bad because I didn't think either one really worked (although I respect, then and now, the effort).

This one really worked for me. It's your standard clever, well-structured, stream-lined verse and then, right when we're comfortable and in the groove, you hit us with the kicker. And it's a good kicker. Quick, simple, fun, but forces us to re-evaluate everything that came before.

Have you ever heard of Odgen Nash? He was a very popular poet in the 40's and 50's. Your verse reminds me a lot of his: it sounds like it's just silliness and nonsense (and in fact Nash himself dismissed his own work as 'doggerel') but when in fact many of his poems are almost perfect little marriages of form and content.

Anyway, I liked this one a lot.

Verdict

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Elvaris

Szilard vs. Lord Loss
Prompt: Throne

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Szilard

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The Dragon

Hehe. Cute. Really cute. Even clever at times. I liked how the semi-serious theme sort of sneaks its way in there and plays against the silliness. While everyone's saying MEEP and going for beer the king is saddened and lessened by the necessity of slaying something beautiful and pure.

Good stuff.

The thing that hurts this piece is the rhythm. Or, rather, the lack thereof. There's no consistency in the syllables or the beat and it hurts the flow and the imagery and makes the rhymes feel tacked on and extraneous. which is why, in poetry, you see a lot more structured, unrhymed verse than the opposite.

And if your tone is going to be light and silly, rhythm is essential. Give it a good, hard beat, and your start reading it like a nursery rhyme in your head, which is all to the good. And especially, especially, since you put the silly bit at the end of each stanza. That way, the beat kind of leads you forward and adds weight to the words and images.

One thing I would recommend for you, next round, is to read your poem out loud when you think you're done. And then, when you think it's done after that, get someone else to read it out loud. You'll find other people read it differently than it sounds inside your head. Listening to where you've cheated on words and beats and tweaking after will work wonders for the nitpicky job of polishing and tightening the flow.

But it was fun. Good times.

Lord Loss

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No entry

Verdict

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Szilard, by default.

Cwater vs. The Fiery Tower
Prompt: Posterity

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CWater

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This isn't a bad piece, Cwater, but it's a weak one. I get what you're saying and I can even groove on how you present it, but the language is neither particularly vivid nor specific and the structure is similarly haphazard. I don't get the feeling that you put a lot of thought into the exact words you used, or into how they lie on the page.

And so the result is... okay.

What could make it better? Specificity. Show us what happened millennia ago with some vivid pictures. Give us a story. And then, instead of just talking about the fallout, show it to us in a couple of short scenes. Just snapshots, like.

And then, at the end, show us the last one left. Give us an idea of who he is and why he is and what it all means. And then let us make our own conclusions.

The Fiery Tower

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What a demented little rhyme scheme you've concocted for us. And I think it works really well for this material. The 'bookend rhymes' almost force you read the internal couplets quickly as a unit, like the short lines in a limerick and that drives the piece forward and gives it a lot of momentum it might not otherwise have had. And momentum and energy are what the piece needs. As a sombre meditation it would have been plodding and dry. As a quick and headlong rush it's fun and entertaining.

Simple idea, given a good, solid execution. It is what it is and it works quite well.

Only note for improvement is that you should pay more attention to the rhythm. It's inconsistent and uneven and hurts the forward thrust that you create with the rhyme.

I've given this advice before, but whenever you write structured verse your final few steps in polishing should be reading it out loud and then getting someone else to read it out loud. Helps immeasurably.

Good one.

Verdict

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The Fiery Tower

PhoeKun vs. Helgraf
Prompt: Whole

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PhoeKun

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No entry.

Helgraf

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Rheumy Relations

Is this about an old guy hitting on a young chick? I was there with you on my first read-through. The idea that the elderly / disabled are more than they appear is a good one and none the worse for having been done before.

But passion's kiss? Hidden valley? Fiery moments? I was kind of assuming these to be memories, especially as 'hidden valley' and 'treasured shrine' both easily lend themselves to oblique sexual references. But we were still okay. And then, in the last stanza, the narrator says he/she wants to hang out with the young person and be whole again? 'State it clear as my true goal'? That sounds downright creepy, especially with the word 'cleave' which has alternate meanings that are less than comfortable in this context.

Not to mention the word 'relations' in the title, which lends itself to less-than-oblique sexual references.

Maybe that was what you doing. Being creepy. Or maybe I'm completely over-thinking things. Either is equally likely.

But what we need here is a narrative, I think. Some kind of structure to hang the stanzas from. To give them shape. For example, you've got three 'See me, who I am' stanzas, each of which describe a something he's NOT in sensuous (meaning derived from the senses, not 'sensual') terms. Which is good. But then we only have one 'Who am I, you see?' stanza, in abstract and non-sensuous terms.

Why can't we have three and three? All concrete physical description? And if you're looking to be creepy, add your creepy in there so it kind of suffuses everything and doesn't pop up at the end.

Or maybe you have one NOT trait and one REAL ME trait in each. Same end. But it's the sense of structure that's missing here.

Also, stanzas two and three don't rhyme for no reason I can ascertain. If you're going to set up a scheme, you should only ever change it for specific reasons. Make it all rhyme, or none of it. Half-and-half is distracting.

So. Kind of creepy. But pretty good, all-in-all. Especially if all the creepy was intentional.

Verdict

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Helgraf, by default.

Blue Ghost vs. Rutskarn
Prompt: Willingness

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Blue Ghost

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Oh, man. You like walking the line, don't you? I read your entry with a sort of tense creeping dread, expecting you to walk over the line. But you kept it this side of the TOU. Barely, but enough.

Anyway, all that aside, very nice piece, BG. Tight. Controlled. Well-constructed, well-executed. It takes a simple and direct idea and communicates it in a way that is just ornate enough to suit its own purpose. Also, in the interests of full disclosure, as someone who once fervently walked a path very much like the one you describe, I responded to it on a deep and personal level.

My only regret is that there's no movement in the piece. The second set of questions is much like the first and therefore neither reveals or indicates any growth or change or development in the speaker who answers 'I am willing' both times.

What would the voice say to a child or young person (youth in this case can be either literal or figurative - it serves the same purpose)? And what would that voice say to a full-grown person with a few years hard, hard experience with the difficulty in maintaining principles in the face of practicality? I suspect that the two experiences would be very different. And therefore when the narrator responded the same to both sets of queries, it would be deeper and more resonant.

Also, minor note, this is the kind of piece that resists overly poetic language. I'd get rid of the 'doth speak to me' and replace it with a good old fashioned 'does speak to me.' Or something similar.

But that aside, it was a well-done piece. I hope to see more from you.

Rutskarn

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Enough

This is quite a different direction for you, isn't it? One of the real pleasures of being involved in these contests over time is that you get see writers develop and stretch their poetic muscles. Like this.

And let me tell, the end of this piece is so strong, so powerful, so delicate and wonderful, that it does the double-edged duty of closing it out with a bang and yet also showing up the artifice and weakness of the opening.

This is a piece that cries out for the vernacular. Read that last stanza to yourself once or twice. Note how there's nothing in there that you wouldn't say in a half-drunk late-night phone call. Nothing in there any guy off the street wouldn't say trying to communicate the same thing.

And all the same, can you feel the emotion in it? I can. That last stanza stuck a cold little ice-pick through my heart when I read it. That a man's entire life can be distilled to a single moment of perfect happiness and made to stand for everything before and after. Beautiful.

Now, compare to the opening stanzas. Especially the second. All that high-falootin' poet talk hurts the piece. It takes the experience and, instead of evoking it, it hides under all the verbiage until it's distant and faded and lost. Give this a re-write. Remove all the 'cusp of my triumph' and the 'golden chorus' business and take all that and boil it down to a single over-riding image. What victories is he turning away from? What triumphs? What is he giving up? And why does he have to make the choice? If she loved him, wouldn't she be willing to wait/sacrifice until he could have both? I know I would.

Tell us what's going on there. In simple, direct, evocative terms. Trim down the transitions (stanza three can pretty much be reduced to 'This is what you think' and folded into the end of the previous or the start of the next. And I think stanza one can just go. Start with 'You think I do this thing for you.." and hit it.

Also, contractions. Nothing makes a poem feel more informal and direct than contractions. No one ever uses them. But consider the difference:

It is this:
I do not make this choice for you.
There is nothing I would not do for you, but this, I do for myself.
I am not condemning myself to dust, tea,
And a thousand regrets...

And...

It is this:
I don't make this choice for you.
There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, but this, I do for myself.
I'm not condemning myself to dust, tea,
And a thousand regrets...

Huge difference. Huge. From just a few minor tweaks suddenly we're listening to a real guy telling a real story and not just some poem.

If you happen to try the re-write, post it if you like, or PM it to me. I'd be happy to take a second look at it.

Otherwise, nice work. And good job walking outside what I perceive to be your comfort zone.

Verdict

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Just like the World Cup, there's always at least one bracket that has two poets I'd like to advance. I think these were two of the strongest entries in the round and I'd like to compliment you both.

But I have to pick one.

Rutskarn. Despite my ambivalence about his opening, the depth and power of his closing as well as the complexity of the experience he was trying to articulate, wins him the round.

But if I could, I'd call this one a tie.

mrpitchfork vs. Errandir
Prompt: Part

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mrpitchfork

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I read this one a few times, just to make sure that I had the gist of what you're trying to say. And, although on my first read-through I confess I didn't think much of it, a few reads later and I like it a little more. To borrow a line from Somerset Maugham, it improves upon acquaintance.

Now, that being said, I think you shoot yourself in the foot as often as you don't in this piece. You punctuate heavily, and not according to the usual rules. Sometimes that works, but in this piece I think it's a distraction. Like:

My friend came in, heart crying,
You would have seen it, but apathy.

That's not a sentence. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but the flow of language is informal enough to suggest regular speech patterns and so I'm left wondering 'but apathy what?'

And you do that a lot. Use periods at the ends of lines where maybe no punctuation at all might have worked better. Let the natural pause at the end of the line serve as your rest without breaking up language so much.

Similarly, while I'm all for ambiguity, I think this might have benefited from some clarity and immediacy of purpose. If we knew, at the outset, what was happening and why, we might feel more sympathy, be able to identify with the characters more, and might have a better chance to digest the way you present the material rather than spend our time trying to work out what the material is.

On the other hand, I very much enjoyed your feminine rhymes. And the start-stop-halt-and move flow works very well, I think.

And then I saw my hands, my words.
It tasted different but I could.

Is very nice. And...

But running away, distant talks,
Pulling away, isolation, and with it,
Abyss, or something more like fire.

Is also quite excellent, as though the narrator himself is in such conflict over this matter that he's re-thinking it through even as he tells us about it.

Lot of good stuff here. You just need to develop some control over your language and watch HOW you write it changes WHAT you write.

Errandir

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I liked this one a lot. You're the second poet this round to give us a piece with an eccentric rhyme scheme and the second poet to really make it work.

Usually rhymes come in even numbers. Usually twos. But you added a third rhyme to each stanza. And after reading it, your mind is kind of expecting a follow-up that isn't there so that last line sort of hangs there, almost incomplete, and naturally forces a pause in between each stanza that makes your imagery even gentler. Like a slow summer breeze.

Your word choices are quite good. Lots of soft consonants and soft rhymes. Your rhythm is almost completely trochaic, which is unusual enough to make the piece feel exotic and strange, which really works with the material (also, as the most famous poem I can think of to make heavy use of trochaic rhythm is Hiawatha, you get some nice, possibly unintentional, echoes there).

There are some little tweaks I might suggest, but they're all minor.

Overall, nice piece. One of the better ones this round.

Verdict

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I liked both pieces for completely different reasons. And while mrpitchfork's piece might have defeated some of the other pieces this round, I can only judge it according to the one it's matched against.

And so I must vote for Erradir.

DreamintheDark vs. drengnikrafe
Prompt: Blur

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DreamintheDark

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What this piece needs are bookends, DinD. As it stands, it's sort of a one-trick pony without a trick. Once we get that the picture, whatever it is, is fading, everything from line... say 4 to 12 are extraneous, no? There's nothing in any of those lines that communicates anything we haven't already been told. No spin, no angle, not even any imagery. Just 'arms, torso, legs, nose... fade fade fade fade.'

But what's the picture? Memory? And who's the girl? And why is she fading? And how does the picture come and then fade? Isn't 'come' the wrong verb if it's going away?

I get the base premise. Everything fades but the eyes and that's what he spends his life pining over. But if that's what we're talking about, then the poem needs to be shorter, or we need to add in who this guy is and why he's pining. Thereby making the experience specific and concrete rather than vague and abstract.

drengnikrafe

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Dancer

There's some really good stuff in this piece, Dren. And then some really weak stuff too. Remember that, when you're trying to paint a picture or an experience in words. Avoid vague phrases like 'perfect life' and 'beautiful clothes' and instead show us what she's wearing, and show us what she looks like to everyone. And let us decide what's perfect and what's beautiful.

The second stanza is really good. See how immediate the images are? Glitter. Spotlight. Blur. All things that we can see with our senses and can get clear, evocative images of in our head and all of which puts us there with her in the experience.

But them, when you switch it all up, you only give us vaguer and ambiguous phrases that don't really mean anything. Lifetime of resentment? Hide beneath her mask? I get what you're saying, but show it to us. Contrast her inner life with her outer life. We've got glitter and spotlight, right? So what's inside her head? Growls? Frowns? Boiling acid?

I liked this one. I liked the set-up and I thought the pay-off was good. But a little more attention paid to communicating the experience in concrete terms and you'd have really had something.

Verdict

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drengnikrafe

Poets, as always, I thank you for your time and efforts. It's always so inspiring to me to see so many people taking the time and energy to do this thing.

EDIT: Cut and Paste Disaster! Dreamin informed me I omitted her bracket. Mended. My deepest apologies.

[Alarra]

I've been out of town all week, I'll be getting to judgments soonish, next day or two.

[Vaynor]

No problem, take your time. Like Devigod said, this round is the most difficult to judge because of the large amount of entries. I don't really expect them to be done within the week, but obviously as quickly as possible would be great.

[Jokasti]

ROUND ONE

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*Devigod vs. billtodamax
Prompt: Host

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Devigod

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Great rhyming, great rhythm, great overall poem. The Cain part at the end was well-integrated, and showed how old the concept of "Host" is. Great job.

billtodamax

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This felt very... rushed and angry. The repetitiveness seemed off and forced.

Verdict

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Devigod

*Kurama vs. Elvaris
Prompt: harrow

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Kurama

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That's got a beat that makes me want to snap my fingers. Very good. A couple grammatical errors, but I get the concept of Harrow from it. Top notch.

Elvaris

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Very dark, captures Harrow. I particularly liked the ending. Good twist, good poem.

Verdict

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Kurama

*Szilard vs. Lord Loss
Prompt: Throne

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Szilard

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The rhyming on this is great! I wish you had incorporated the throne a little more into the story, but overall, good.

Lord Loss

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No entry.

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Szilard

*Cwater vs. The Fiery Tower
Prompt: Posterity

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CWater

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Great story. The tale spoke well Posterity.

The Fiery Tower

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Good scheme. Nice rhyming. Overall, good poem.

Verdict

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The Fiery Tower

*PhoeKun vs. Helgraf
Prompt: Whole

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PhoeKun

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No entry.

Helgraf

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Interesting. Delves into the thought of what makes a person whole, with the different areas of body and mind. The whole thing about how the storyteller is not whole in body, and maybe not mind, he can still love and this is what to him means to be whole. Great perspective.

Verdict

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Helgraf

*Blue Ghost vs. Rutskarn
Prompt: Willingness

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Blue Ghost

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Very well done. Some of the lines were a little forced, but overall the flow was fantastic. I liked the meter, I liked the pace. Good interpretation of Willingness.

Rutskarn

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Very powerful. It definitely conjured the scene in the mind's eye. The story you told was full of life, and the ending

A moment with you, in the silence and the dark;
That was enough.

spoke very strong. Great work.

Verdict

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Rutskarn

*mrpitchfork vs. Errandir
Prompt: Part

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mrpitchfork

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Great poem. A few of the lines seem strain, but overall well-polished.

Errandir

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Wow, very deep. The last line drives the the theme home. Awesome job.

Verdict

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Errandir.

*DreamintheDark vs. drengnikrafe
Prompt: Blur

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DreamintheDark

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That was very... short. While you told the story, I don't feel I got the "Blur" vibe from it. Some of the lines seemed forced at best.

drengnikrafe

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Very good. The scene is very clear, but still poetic. The woman helps translate the theme of Blur to the crowd, which could be seen either as a literal crowd or perhaps looking beyond the fourth wall. Great job.

Verdict

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drengnikrafe

Posting what I have so far, as my computer is wont to die.

[The Extinguisher]

Oh wow. Judges have to do a lot of work. Yikes.

Devigod vs. billtodamax: Host

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Devigod

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Interesting. I enjoyed the simple structure to the poem, that didn't get in the way of where the poem

was going. The narrative to it was smart and elegant. There were some parts that the rhythm didn't seem to work

so well for me, but I can see what you were trying to do with it.

Billtodamax

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First thing I noticed is the rhythm of your poem. In that there doesn't seem to be one. The length and

flow seem to change every line. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it seems to distract from the poem in

this case. I imagine you were trying to create a frantic feel to the whole thing, which I can kind of see, but

it fell a little flat. I enjoyed the repetition you had, which I think creates a much more frantic feeling than

the erratic rhythm.

Results

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Both of you used the idea of a host rather similarly, but from different perspectives. Both were

enjoyable, but still there needs to be a winner. I think Devigod's poem stands above the other

Kurama vs. Elvaris: Harrow

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Kurama

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Glad you were able to submit something. Alright, on track. Excellent work. Highlights to me are the third and

last stanza. The shaking up of the established rhythm jumps out at you and keeps your focus there. Well done

Elvaris

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I really like comedy poetry. I also really like surprise endings, and I was definitely surprised. Good

job. That being said, you also have a quality piece of work here. The imagery is very strong and serves the

poem well.

Results

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I'm disappointed in you two. I wanted more poems about farm equipment . Anyways, both poems are

really strong and I think equally matched. I'm going to give it to Elvaris due to personal biases

towards the funny, but it wasn't a simple choice, and I really enjoyed Kurama's poem as well.

Lord Loss vs. Szilard: Throne

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Lord Loss

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No poem

Szilard

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Kind of humorous, but it seems like it needs some work. The rhythm didn't really make sense and many of the

rhymes seemed uninspired. That being said, the narrative was interesting, but there were a couple of confusing

points. It seemed like the dragon ate the king early on, but then he's back? I liked what you were trying to do

here, but it could have been done better.

Results

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Since only one poem was submitted, the winner is Szilard

CWater vs. The Fiery Tower: Posterity

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CWater

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Well done. First thoughts, kind of confusing. But that's mostly on my end. I actually really enjoyed

this. I like the flow of the poem, and the subtle imagery. I feel it might have been too long, but I don't

think you could shorten it much more and still remain effective.

The Fiery Tower

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An interesting idea, I must say. Plus, I love the rhyming pattern you have there. The rhythm and feel of the

poem reminds me of "The Unknown Citizen" by W.H. Auden, which is a poem I really enjoy. So good job.

Results

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Excellent use of the prompt both of you. This is another really hard choice. My first instinct was to give it

to CWater, but looking further makes me think The Fiery Tower should have it. I think I'll give this one to

The Fiery Tower for clever use of rhyme and prompt.

drengnikrafe vs. DreamintheDark: Blur

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drengnikrafe

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Simple but elegant is all the words I have to describe this. Okay maybe not all of them. I really

liked how you captured the dissociation with the audience and the dancer, and the mental imagery of the dance.

Well done.

DreamintheDark

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Simple and elegant as well. I'm not sure what it is about this prompt that makes people write like

that, but I like it. I do like the imagery and how you incorporated it into the prompt. Another excellent

poem.

Results

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So many tough choices. But I'm giving this one to drengnikrafe, because his jumped out at me

much more, so to speak.

Phoekun vs. Helgraf: Whole

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Phoekun

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No poem

Helgraf

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I enjoyed this. Have I mentioned how I like repetition? The simplicity of the poem does so much for

it. Well done. Not much to say on the poem. It was really good.

Results

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Helgraf by default, but it was still a wonderful poem.

Rutskarn vs. Blue Ghost: Willingness

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Rutskarn

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I really liked this poem. I've always been a fan of poetry that doesn't have any rhyme or reason to

it. I like how the poem flows and I like the structure it creates. The only thing I found off was some of the

language. I'm not sure where exactly, but there were some places that I feel the words weren't the correct

ones, that there could have been something better. But it's not much help because I can't really put my finger

on it. Well done though. Great poem.

Blue Ghost

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I enjoyed this poem as well, but there were places where the rhythm seemed out of place and slightly

off. I liked the idea and the narrative behind the poem, as well as the voice you've created for the speaker.

Some of the lines seem strained? Mostly where the rhythm is off, but some lines feel like their wording needs

work.

Results

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Excellent use of the prompt both of you, but I think Rutskarn had the stronger piece.

mrpitchfork vs. Errandir: Part

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mrpitchfork

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Once I read through the poem, I could see what you were trying to do here, but reading it was

difficult. The rhythm of the poem changes wildly, and even though it's consistent throughout each stanza, it

still feels hard to read each time. That being said, I liked the poem, I liked the language you used and what

you were trying to convey. I just wish it was a little be easier to read.

Errandir

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This is the best use of rhythm and meter I've seen this competition. Well done. It flows beautifully

together and paints a very pretty picture. Your imagery was excellent and the language was well thought out.

Well done.

Results

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Errandir. I really enjoyed the poem and I feel it is the stronger of the two. Excellent work

both of you though. Interesting takes on the idea of the prompt. Well done.

Now I'm probably terrible at this whole judging thing but here you go.

[Helgraf]

So do we have 3 or 5 judges this time?

[Alarra]

Judgments:

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Devigod vs. billtodamax: Host

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Devigod:

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There were parts of this I liked and parts that I didn’t. It flowed well and the language used matched the biblical time period in which it was placed. It was intellectually complex and I enjoyed the story, but it felt somewhat….hollow? I guess. I didn’t feel any emotional connection and felt very removed from the character, probably because of the intellectual nature of the language. Overall I liked it well.

Billtodamax:

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Hmm. I liked the idea of the harried woman trying to host a party for those she thinks are above her and berating herself and reading too much into her guests behavior, etc. It was the execution that I had a problem with. The repetition could have worked in your favor to convey her state of mind and obsession level, however, because the phrases you chose to repeat were so long, it came off as really clunky. I might have just repeated one word of the phrases that you wanted to emphasize. It’s hard to make inner dialogue sound poetic and yours doesn’t really at all, I’m sorry to say.

Verdict:

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Devigod

Kurama vs. Elvaris: Harrow

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Kurama:

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I didn’t really like this. It felt like a rather superficial treatment of the prompt and I was left not really understanding what had happened and how the speaker and antagonist died? or why. The flow wasn’t terrible, at least until the last two lines, which were very abrupt and brought any rhythm that had been built up to a screeching halt, and actually, the first verse was rather nice, almost felt like they should be song lyrics.

Elvaris:

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I like your short poems. I’m often impressed at the amount of content that you can convey in just a few short verses. Your rhyming and rhythm were very good and it was amusing.

Verdict:

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Elvaris

Lord Loss vs. Szilard: Throne

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Lord Loss:

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No entry

Szilard:

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There were parts of this poem that were nice, that rhymed well, that told a story. There were others that felt like they were part of a completely different poem and just mashed in there. ‘But while you lie in bed; It really wasn’t too much fun’ for example. Those lines seemed to have nothing to do with the rest of the poem. Did you just need filler? I also didn’t find that your language use matched the action of the poem and what could have been a very exciting dragon fight, if handled well, left me feeling very meh and bored.

Verdict:

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Szilard

CWater vs. The Fiery Tower: Posterity

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CWater:

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This started out so well. The first three verses were great, setting a scene without giving away –too- much, establishing a rhythm that could have been really interesting. I really liked the repetition of the first verse and think it could have been very effective if used more often. Unfortunately, the rhythm got completely screwed up by verses 4 and 5 and I found myself stumbling through it when reading. As far as imagery, you could tell that there was an interesting story here, but you put too much time into the build up and repeating things you’d already told us, and not enough filling us in on the rest. Who is the woman? I also have no idea what happened with this last person that remained. I had somewhat hoped from how the poem started that this was going to be a tale of people unjustly persecuted for the actions of their ancestor, but they sounded evil as well, which was disappointing. Overall, not bad, and you did meet the prompt well.

The Fiery Tower:

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I really liked this. I’ve noticed I have far less to say when I like a poem than when I don’t, but I’ll try to give you something more. Umm… Great use of the prompt. The rhythm was nice and I felt that the poem flowed very well. I liked the idea behind it as well.

Verdict:

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The Fiery Tower

drengnikrafe vs. DreamintheDark: Blur

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drengnikrafe:

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Hmm. I could see where you were going and it was an interesting idea and could have made for a good poem, however, I don’t feel that you gave us enough. The rhythm was…okay, though the last line felt very out of place and actually, it felt like you didn’t know how to end the poem and wanted to make sure that we got the point. Some of your imagery was very nice though and I especially liked the last verse.

DreamintheDark:

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Nice rhythm, good imagery, though some lines I wasn’t fond of, 6, 7 and 9 specifically. I’m not entirely sure what’s happening in the poem, but I like the idea of perhaps a memory of someone fading until all you can remember are their eyes and stare. Not my favorite poem, and fails a bit at connection, emotion and story, but pretty good nonetheless.

Verdict:

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DreaminintheDark

Phoekun vs. Helgraf: Whole

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Phoekun:

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No entry. Pity…this is one of the pairings I was most looking forward to.

Helgraf:

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Beautiful. Lovely imagery, the repetition helped to solidify the rhythm and give the imagery more impact. You had some lovely lines, great use of language, I especially loved the second to last verse. I also really liked the way you used the prompt and the story and character that you created in a short space. There was also emotion, though not overpowering. Very nice.

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Helgraf.

Rutskarn vs. Blue Ghost: Willingness

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Rutskarn:

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There was some nice imagery here. I would have preferred it broken up into shorter verses, it got a bit clunky and long winded at times and I actually found myself skimming ahead and not invested. I feel that at times the language that you used created a barrier that disconnected the reader from the characters. I’m also, even after reading it three times, not entirely sure what he’s talking about.

Blue Ghost:

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I liked this very much. The rhythm was great, the questions added a great deal to the poem. Your imagery and language use was very good and your use of the prompt was spot on. Good work.

Verdict:

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Blue Ghost

mrpitchfork vs. Errandir: Part

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mrpitchfork:

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Hmm. Rhythm wasn’t awful. Story wasn’t awful. Some of your lines were….weird though. The words you used didn’t flow or seem natural and some of the verses seemed like a lot of disconnected thoughts and imagery just mashed together. Your use of the prompt was fine, but I was left feeling very underwhelmed by this. There were some nice lines, that if they weren’t stuck with things that didn’t really connect with them, might have made for a very nice poem.

Errandir:

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I’m not sure I’m grasping the connection between the prompt and the poem. The poem, however, is lovely. Your imagery is fantastic. The language is flowing and gorgeous and the rhyme seems perfectly natural and effortless. I love reading your work.

Verdict:

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Errandir

[truemane]

So we've got one judge who hasn't chimed in yet, yeah? And one with incomplete judgements.

But, on the positive side, we have three complete judgements already. Which is more than we sometimes have.

I'm surprised there haven't been any comments from the poets. Usually the post-judging period is rife with commentary.

Wants me some commentary.

Also...

We only have two brackets where a fourth/fifith judge would make any difference. Just in case absences demand that we move this thing along.

JUDGES STAY OUT!
(this does not include Jokasi's votes, as they are not yet complete)

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Devigod - 3
billtodamax - 0

Kurama - 0
Elvaris - 3

Szilard - WINNER BY DEFAULT
Lord Loss

Cwater - 0
The Fiery Tower - 3

PhoeKun
Helgraf - WINNER BY DEFAULT

Blue Ghost - 1
Rutskarn - 2

mrpitchfork - 0
Errandir - 3

DreamintheDark - 1
drengnikrafe - 2

[Szilard]

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You see, normally I would be commenting, but I'm winning by default, so I'm just taking the criticism I'm given. Hopefully it'll help when I actually go against someone next round.

[Errandir]

I can do commentary.

truemane:

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Your rhythm is almost completely trochaic, which is unusual enough to make the piece feel exotic and strange, which really works with the material (also, as the most famous poem I can think of to make heavy use of trochaic rhythm is Hiawatha, you get some nice, possibly unintentional, echoes there).

The Raven?

Actually, I wasn't even thinking of Hiawatha, but it probably matches the feel of this poem better. Trochaic meter seems to have a gentler or more dreamy feel to it, which I thought fit well. I would have liked to write the poem entirely in trochees, but frankly it was too difficult to make all the feminine rhymes work, so I cut each second line short to allow for the masculine rhyme.

If one of the prompts in this contest fits, maybe I'll try a poem in anapaestic meter. That would be fun.

Alarra:

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Thanks for the response. In respect to the prompt, the idea when I wrote it had to do with the person (I tried to avoid specifying "man" or "woman" when I wrote the poem, but that left me with the slightly awkward "figure") fading into and becoming part of the surroundings. I'm not sure exactly how well I got the idea across, though, since it's really only stated in the last two lines.

[truemane]

See? Comentary rocks!

Errandir

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That's funny. I didn't even think about the Raven. Had you asked me a half-hour ago I would said, without a moment's hesitation, that it was anapestic.

But, upon re-reading, you're right. Learn something new every day.

And that does add an interesting, almost sinister, level to the piece.

Hm. Good fun.

[Alarra]

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Hmm....you know... I have no idea what trochaic or anapaestic meter means, or trochees. And what makes a rhyme masculine or feminine? *wonders if she's really qualified to keep winning these things*

[Szilard]

Some real commentary from me now. Why not?

truemane:

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Glad you liked it for the most part. As for the rhythm, that's something I always needed to work on, and I'll try to throw way more of that in next round if I do a whimsical piece. Though if I wanted to make an excuse, I can say I didn't have time to iron out the rhythm because when I wrote it I thought it was the morning of the last day. But that's just a lame excuse. :P But thanks for the advice.

Jokasti:

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Thanks. As for incorporating the throne, I simply thought it'd be better to recite the tale of the person who sits on the throne rather than the throne itself.

The Extinguisher:

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Yeah, rhythm is something I definitely have to work on, and a couple of times I pulled rhymes from nowhere and hoped it worked. As for the dragon eating the king, I don't think I ever made it look like that happened. The dragon ate some sheep and cows, an archer, his dog, and then roasted some knights. I don't see anywhere in the poem where it seemed like the king was eaten.

Alarra:

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When I wrote the lines, "But while you lie in bed; It really wasn’t too much fun" I was imagining this poem to sort of be a bedside story that a parent would tell their kid before they went to sleep about the brave king and the evil dragon. Other lines I did throw in for filler though because I needed some lines for rhymes.

That's about it. I decided maybe it'd be fun to address the points you guys made in your judgements. Other than that, thanks for judging, as well as for the criticism I'm getting.

[PhoeKun]

Still following this, and feeling kind of uneasy. A kind of weird thought occurs:

Would anybody object if I submitted a "makeup" entry at some point in this competition? Obviously I've already forfeited my chance at winning the contest, but would it be too weird to place an exhibition entry somewhere to the side?

I don't have any idea how this is supposed to work. I'm just very bothered by my no show...

[truemane]

If you submit a poem, Phoe, I swear by my judge's honour that I'll critique it. But I would do that for you any time you asked anyway.

As for any impact it might have on the contest, that's a Vaynor call.

Also, Alarra

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Trochaic and Anapestic are kinds of rhythm. The first is a stressed syllable followed by an unstressed, repeat. DUH-duh, DUH-duh. DUH-duh. The second is two unstressed and one stressed. duh-duh-DUH, duh-duh-DUH, repeat.

One unit (called a 'foot') is called, respectively, a Trochee and an Anapest. String a few of them together, and you call the rhythm of the piece Trochaic or Anapestic.

Trochaic:
ONCE upON a MIDnight DREAry, WHILE i PONDered WEAK and WEARy
OVer MANy a QUAINT and CURious VOLume of FORgotten LORE.

Anapestic:
Oh WHERE are you GOing, said READer to RIDer,
For YONder's the VALley where FURNaces BURn.

The other kinds are:

Iambic: duh-DUH (one foot is an iamb)
Dactylic: DUH-duh-duh (dactyl)

There’s also spondaic (DUH-DUH) and pyrrhic (duh-duh) and the rarely used, rarely mentioned Double Iamb (duh-duh-DUH-DUH). But they’re rare and generally only occur in single foot increments (ie no one writes a whole poem in Spondaic).

And the number of feet in a line gives you the other word in a rhythm's description.

one foot: monometer
two: dimeter
three: trimeter
four: tetrameter
five: pentameter
six: hexameter
seven: heptameter
eight: octameter
nine: nonameter
ten: decameter.

So, in a sonnet, you have ten syllables, in iambic, hence five iambic feet, hence Iambic Pentameter.

When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state.

After some practice (or, in my case, more practice than is probably healthy) you can usually name the rhythm after a couple of reads. And then you too can sound all smarty-pants-poet-nerd.

And the term 'Feminine Rhyme' can be used to describe about 43 different things, but here Errandir refers to rhyming lines that end in unstressed syllables, as opposed to stressed.

And none of this is the least bit necessary for writing and appreciating fine verse. Although, as I've always said, Craft is like your wardrobe: the more of it you have access to, the more flexibility and specificity you can bring to any situation.

[CWater]

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Thanks for all the comments and critique, even the harsh words, they were well received. I'll try to use the time given better next time should I take part again, I feel the poem might have been much better with a few more hours spent on it.

Alarra:

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Your first thought on the story the poem was about was correct, it is indeed a tale of a unfortunate family that gets blamed because of the deeds of one man. But, as I re-read it, I can see how it can easily be misunderstood, my bad. I think I should perhaps have cleared it up a little. :S

Anyway, thanks to everyone for the judging and poems. This was fun!

[Errandir]

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Oh WHERE are you GOing, said READer to RIDer,
For YONder's the VALley where FURNaces BURn.

Hmm, I've never seen that poem before. For anapaestic meter, I usually think of Byron ("We sat down and wept by the waters..."), but I liked that one. Maybe I should look up Auden sometime.

Alarra, to be more specific, I was saying that feminine rhymes are more difficult to work with because they're generally two syllables (i.e. learning / yearning) while masculine rhymes are generally one (i.e. bat / hat). And to be honest, I learned all the poetry terms and such from Wikipedia - it's probably as good a place as any to start.

This is probably getting off topic, though. Maybe we should start a thread somewhere for poetry recommendation and discussion... would anyone be interested?

[Vaynor]

I will be unavailable until Sunday so if the contest ends before then, someone can either start a new one or just wait for me.

[Helgraf]

I will be unavailable until Sunday so if the contest ends before then, someone can either start a new one or just wait for me.

Umm, we just (almost) finished round 1. How could the contest end before SUnday?