Relationship Woes and Advice: A Sleepless Fortnight

[Serpentine]

I think that's "not-really-an-ex" as in "it-wasn't-really-a-relationship", not "we're-not-really-broken-up".

[Erloas]

Well Saturday I had sent a message out to someone in the same town I'm in and didn't get a reply back so I didn't think it was going to go anywhere. But today she sent me an instant message saying hi... which I almost missed because the page was up while I was outside pulling weeds and watering the yard.
But I did catch the message before she left and we ended up talking for a couple hours. As I had somewhat suspected from the age and a vague recognition of the picture, it was someone in my class from high school. Neither of us remembered the other one at all from HS though.

According to OkCuipid's matching thing we have a least fairly similar views on a lot of things, though it doesn't seem like we have a lot of common interests. We're planning on meeting to hang out sometime soon. Not sure if much will come of it, but the whole exchange has at least given me some confidence in what I'm doing.

[Serpentine]

Take the matching stuff with a heaped tablespoon of salt. For example, it looked like most of our differences were Stage In Life-related - which would admittedly be relevant relationship-wise but doesn't mean we wouldn't get along - and our stances on illegal drugs - which for me at least doesn't really matter.

[xPANCAKEx]

the algorithms used by match making sites are complete hokum

listen to the man

[Syka]

I think that's "not-really-an-ex" as in "it-wasn't-really-a-relationship", not "we're-not-really-broken-up".

This. It's awkward always saying "the last guy I dated" since that was 3 years ago, lol. So I have Oz, Ex, and that guy has become Not-Really-An-Ex since he was never my boyfriend. Definitely not together though and haven't been for some time.



Pancake speaks the truth. Conversation I had recently with my mom about a friend who joined eHarmony:

Her: She says it's different.
Me: You know it's all bull.
Her: Yeah, she doesn't, heh. Why do you say that?
Me: (Insert tyraid about how social psychologists haven't even really figured out exactly what makes people work together, and my own experiences where on paper people looked extraordinarily compatible but hated each others guts, plus the fact that these sites rely on what people know and will admit about themselves...they can't exactly get to the 'deep' levels that you yourself don't even know about).



So yeah, it's all bunk. They basically look at what you tell them, what other people tell them, and assume these people will work together. Blah. It's silly.


I mean, take Oz and I. I play some video games, but not a lot. I'm very focused on academics and a total bookworm. I'll have my Masters before I turn 24. My family is my life to me. Oz is a huge video game player, abhors reading, and only just got his A.A. right before he turned 25. He gets along with his family, but isn't particularly close. Now, we do have a lot of the same values- and that's where the important stuff lies. But it's easy enough to figure that out from talking to someone- you don't need to be matched on 'deep compatibility'. You can generally figure that out.


So say "screw you" to their 'matches' and look for someone that interests you. Then talk to them. Perhaps you don't hit it off. Perhaps you do, and you get a good friend and even possible partner out of it. The worst that happens is you get a good conversation.

[Serpentine]

I'll have my Masters before I turn 24.

Smartarse

Eh, you don't have to despise them or anything. Just don't use them to make any decisions. Take them as fun, not advice.

[Syka]

Smartarse

Eh, you don't have to despise them or anything. Just don't use them to make any decisions. Take them as fun, not advice.

I just got really, really lucky in terms of parents supporting my desire to continue schooling and funding (my mom works where I'm at school right now...woo for dependents getting a steep discount!). And it'll only be like a week before I turn 24, lol.


And yeah, it's more a "don't put your faith in it" thing. I've seen way to many people be like "Oh, this person is PERFECT for me" and...they aren't. Paper compatibility=/=actual compatibility.

[Serpentine]

So have I... I definitely haven't had any monetary concerns. I'm just really slack

[term1nally s1ck]

Aha, it spreads

I've been saying that since I was 10...

"There once was a fairy called Nuff, so they called her Fairy Nuff."

[Serpentine]

I got it from a card a friend of mine had that pretty much said that, with a picture of a fairy. I figured it just came from the card...

edit: I think this is it. "I am a fairy, they call me Nuff. Fairy Nuff."

[Erloas]

Yeah, I know the matching means very little, but at least its something to go on. All it really means is that we answered many of the questions about the same, but at least thats something to start with.
Very few of the questions have to do with activities and what you like to do though.

Not that surprising, but most of what she liked to do is the more traditionally female type things, and what I like to do are the more male type things, though there is a lot more cross-over these days. Although after I thought about it, nothing she listed was any hobby of any sort, more like one-off activities. Well I guess shopping is kind of a hobby, the rest were things like theater, museums, and college community events type things. Not something I would think to do myself, but nothing I'm against doing.

Of course all of that is probably getting ahead of things. Have to actually hang out a bit and go from there.

[Pyrian]

OkCupid lets you match on whatever you want. For each question you answer, you put in your answer, what answer(s) you'd like in a partner, and how important their answer is to you. There's no "magic sauce" in it. It's just what you tell it to look for.

[Ildufra]

So.... I don't really know who else to talk about this with, and the people here use to be pretty friendly, and this thread seemed appropriate.

Now this may seem like some stupid typical teenage problem, but what the hell..

It's a little complicated but I'll try to explain it as good as I can.

Well there's this girl that I like.. Well have liked for about two years now, even though I haven't seen her since the fall. I met her at this.. Well here is where it's get's extremely nerdy, latin 'course'.

Well, we only spoke together once a week then, but I've been thinking about her ever since, every day. Sure it would seem like "well why can't you ask her?".
Well I just turned 15, and she's turning 18 this year, three years wouldn't seem that important if I were 30, but at this point, just a year seems so.

I don't know where she lives or anything, and the only way to contact her would be facebook, quite un-personal.
I don't know how she thinks of me at all..

So I've finally thought, with there seemingly being no future in it, as it seems.
Should I tell her? I've thought a lot about it lately and if I did, I could "move on".

Sorry for the messy order in it all, and I don't really know if it gives a clear idea about my situation.. But well, 'tis the closest I can talk to anyone about it

[xPANCAKEx]

Ildufra

sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but i think you called it right - a 15-18 age gap when the girl is the senior is pretty much insurmountable. Not saying its never been done or its IS impossible, but we're talking "hail mail" territory at best

but theres no harm in dropping her a line on facebook and talking. As long as you're approaching it from a "just friends" angle and not "friends who might turn into something else" then it may be rewarding. If you do decide to talk i REALLY wouldnt say anything like how much you've been thinking about her as that kind of talk is always overwhelming, however complimentary. And if it turns into anything beyond "just friends" then let her be the one that makes the first move on that front. Just be aware that if you go into holding out hope that she "might just maybe one day open up and say that she likes you" you're likely to walk away with a severely dented ego at best. Thats the honest odds you're probably dealing with just as a heads up.

im not saying this to be debbie downer, but i hate 'false hope' for the sake of sparing someone a little harm short term and risking greater hope long term. Hope you dont take offense to this approach

sometimes the ones that "get away" do stick with you but - without trying to sound condiscending - i can assure you it gets easier as you get older

but theres no harm in having a nice memory and thinkin "man, that girl was rad" (YES playgrounders, i genuinely think like that in my head) only so long as thinking fond thoughts dont get in the way of you persuing other girls who may crop up.

[Jack Squat]

but we're talking "hail mail" territory at best

It's "Hail Mary", but otherwise I agree with everything said here.

As an aside, if things do end up going well, or if it otherwise comes up in conversation, don't bring up how long you've been interested in her. Having had someone out of the blue tell me they've had a crush on me for 4 years, it's kinda creepy (It didn't help that she told me this when I first walked up to her, having never knowingly seen her before). Besides, most of the time people can tell what someone thinks of them without having to ask.

[Superglucose]

So have I... I definitely haven't had any monetary concerns. I'm just really slack

Hahaha... me too, unfortunately.

As for the "matches" I think the matches are probably a good idea. It's kind of the equivalent of going to the gaming club to find a nerdy girl... you do the matches to look for people with similar interests, then you communicate and find out if you're interested.

[MountainKing]

Ildufra
but theres no harm in having a nice memory and thinkin "man, that girl was rad" (YES playgrounders, i genuinely think like that in my head)

Groovy, man. The Dude abides.

[Castaras]

Ildufra

sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but i think you called it right - a 15-18 age gap when the girl is the senior is pretty much insurmountable. Not saying its never been done or its IS impossible, but we're talking "hail mail" territory at best

Absolute Bollocks, in my opinion.

It is definitely possible, and isn't that much different to a 15 girl and 18 guy - hell, I was 14-17 with me and my ex, which isn't much different - and that lasted for 2 and a bit years. I know other relationships of greater gaps, both with girls being older and guys being older. Go for it. Worst that can happen is that she says no.

[Syka]

I'm personally of the thoughts that, in the teenage years, anything beyond 2 years is really pushing it. Not necessarily the ick factor, but sheer maturity levels. I say this not just out of concern for the younger member, but also for the older.


That said, you can try. But as a former 18 year old girl...I can't say I would have really considered a 15 year old. As a 23 year old, I would consider a 20 year old. Heck, the age gap between Oz and his ex was 3 years with her being the older. But as a teenager? Definite no unless there are some major extenuating circumstances (know them real well, etc).

I mean...consider the difference in where they are in life- one is graduating high school, the other is barely in it. One likely has a job and may have had for some time, the other can barely legally work and that is restricted. Etc. Just...huge gaps in life experience and maturity. It CAN work, but it's...iffy.


(Note: I'd be saying this if it was a dude being the 18 year old and the chick the 15 year old.)

[Dallas-Dakota]

My respective oppinion on this issue.

Ildufra
Not saying its never been done or its IS impossible, but we're talking reaaally unlikely territory at best

theres no harm in dropping her a line on facebook and talking. As long as you're approaching it from a "just friends" angle and not "friends who might turn into something else" then it may be rewarding.

Worst that can happen is that she says no.

Bolded text is teh important.
Italic text is what he ment to say, but the sentence out of context, with those particular words would be unclear. Maybe. Maybe I'm just fussy.

[ForzaFiori]

I'll have my Masters before I turn 24.

Assuming you know that you want a masters and go for it right out of high school, around 24 is when you'd usually get it, isn't it? get out of HS either 17 or 18, then 4 years for a bachelors, putting you at 21, 22. 2 more years for a masters, making you either about to be 24, or about 24 and a half.

[Phaedra]

Masters are two years in the US? Everything takes so much longer over there. How do you fund it all?!

Also, I'm with Syka on the age thing. I'd be dubious about a three year age gap that young. I'm saying it can't work, but given the different stages in life that you'd be at, it'll be much tougher. And when one party is so young (and 15 is pretty young), the power is very much with the older party. I've seen it go horribly wrong before.

[Odentin]

I was dating an 18-year-old at 15. Dated one at 14, too...

Yes, it is possible, but unlikely. I agree with the assembled that it's not a common occurrence. Don't aim for it. Try to become friends with her, and if it blossoms into anything, awesome. If not, then move on and deal with it. Just don't let on that you've got a crush on her, or that you're only trying to be her friend so that you can try to date her later on. Actually attempt to be a good friend...

[Pyrian]

Worst that can happen is that she...

...Ends up on a sex offender list for life. I don't know where he lives, but around here you don't want to mess around with minors with an age difference of more than two years. Once you're both adults, well, Hey Cassie, how's it goin'?

[Phaedra]

...Ends up on a sex offender list for life.

Yeah, that crossed my mind too. They're pretty lenient over here when both parties are young, but it's really not worth the risk. Wait that extra year folks (adjust time accordingly based on geographical location).

[Superglucose]

...Ends up on a sex offender list for life. I don't know where he lives, but around here you don't want to mess around with minors with an age difference of more than two years. Once you're both adults, well, Hey Cassie, how's it goin'?

Yeah, that crossed my mind too. They're pretty lenient over here when both parties are young, but it's really not worth the risk. Wait that extra year folks (adjust time accordingly based on geographical location).

DATING DOES NOT EQUAL SEX. THEY ARE NOT SYNONYMS.
</rant>

As far as I know there are no laws against dating someone who's younger than you.

[Phaedra]

DATING DOES NOT EQUAL SEX. THEY ARE NOT SYNONYMS.
</rant>

As far as I know there are no laws against dating someone who's younger than you.

But the warning never goes amiss. Maybe sex will be involved, maybe it won't, it depends on the parties involved. But it could be involved, and knowing the law is key then.

[Superglucose]

Is there anyone on earth who doesn't know about statutory rape laws? That's a serious question. I would be shocked if someone's response to consent laws was "Really? I didn't know that!" It's like warning someone that drinking and driving is illegal.

[Pheehelm]

I mean, take Oz and I. I play some video games, but not a lot. I'm very focused on academics and a total bookworm. I'll have my Masters before I turn 24. My family is my life to me. Oz is a huge video game player, abhors reading, and only just got his A.A. right before he turned 25. He gets along with his family, but isn't particularly close. Now, we do have a lot of the same values- and that's where the important stuff lies. But it's easy enough to figure that out from talking to someone- you don't need to be matched on 'deep compatibility'. You can generally figure that out.

Another thing to bear in mind is that similarity isn't everything; in particular, I recall a fellow who dated someone very much like himself, and while he benefited from seeing his behaviors from the outside, he ultimately ended the relationship because it was just too redundant.

In fact, without going into whether "opposites attract," dating someone much like yourself can actually be detrimental if your personal weaknesses magnify each other's. This is especially true if children enter the picture. Two strongly introverted parents may not give their child enough social exposure; two strongly extroverted parents may give too much. A stoic (loving, non-abusive) disciplinarian can make an excellent parent; two may deprive the child of warmth. And so forth. (If you like evolutionary psychology, this may explain the whole "opposites attract" thing, but again, not going into that.)

MBTI nerdery:

Spoiler

Show

Anyone who's familiar with typology will tell you that the most you can really do with it, relationship-wise, is better understand and communicate with your partner, and there is no personality type that's a guaranteed match or fail with another type. Naturally this hasn't done much to deter people from trying to work out ideal matches.

Different theories abound. One states that one's ideal partner has the same dominant function in the opposite attitude -- e.g. INTJ (Ni dominant) to ENxP (both Ne dominant), INFP (Fi dominant) to ExFJ (both Fe dominant). Another holds that an ideal partner has the N/S function the same and all others reversed -- so INTJ-ENFP, INFP-ENTJ, etc. This latter one in particular focuses on communication; for all the frustration people strong in the other functions provide their opposites (Introversion/Extroversion is well known, Thinking/Feeling tends to have that Spock/McCoy thing going, Judging/Perceiving can lead to conflicts over being overly rigorous vs. overly flaky), I haven't seen anything like the agitation iNtuitors show for Sensors due to the difficulty in communicating with them. I've seen quite a few typology enthusiasts treat the N/S difference as the one line you do not date across, not that that's stopped people from doing so and forming successful relationships just fine.

EDIT: Forgot one. According to Keirsey, NTs (Rationals) and NFs (Idealists) tend to favor each other; SJs (Guardians) and SPs (Artisans) tend to favor each other.

It is definitely possible, and isn't that much different to a 15 girl and 18 guy - hell, I was 14-17 with me and my ex, which isn't much different - and that lasted for 2 and a bit years.

Well, as people are saying, the difference in maturity is more important than the actual age, although the latter gets more attention because it tends to correlate with the former. What was the difference in maturity like for you and your ex?

DATING DOES NOT EQUAL SEX. THEY ARE NOT SYNONYMS.

Strongly agreed, but they'd still risk at least getting some uncomfortable looks. Assumptions are made whether or not they're fair or even reasonable.

[Keld Denar]

Or, if you both have progressive parents, get parental consent, assuming it gets to THAT. The plus side is that they'll probably pay for your condoms as well...those suckers can get expensive if you get the good ones. The free ones from Planned Parenthood are ok, but IMO it makes a difference.

If either of you have more conservative parentage...yea, best not to even think about it. Megan's Law is kinda a pain in the ass if you have to move around a lot, and that crap never gets removed from your permanent record.