Murphy's Law 4 (4 Times The Mayhem!)

[Marnath]

Not just for you, for everyone. Sorry. (Also, please don't quote images. It eats up bandwith.)

D'aaawww.
Sorry, forgot to snip the image. It's fixed now.

[Lycan 01]

Sorcerer's get Familiars?


I just like his general... feel, I guess? He seems like a rougish, in the persona not class sense, sort of magic-weilder, and I love the whole "light a cigarette with magic" thing.

[Dusk Eclipse]

Sorcerer's get Familiars?


I just like his general... feel, I guess? He seems like a rougish, in the persona not class sense, sort of magic-weilder, and I love the whole "light a cigarette with magic" thing.

Poor poor sorcerers, they only class feature (casting not whistanding) is to obtain a familiar

[CoffeeIncluded]

Sorcerer's get Familiars?


I just like his general... feel, I guess? He seems like a rougish, in the persona not class sense, sort of magic-weilder, and I love the whole "light a cigarette with magic" thing.

Yeah, I like that about him too. And yes, sorcerers get familiars.

The reason I'm posting him is that if there's an Aequar game in the future, I'm playing as him.

[RdMarquis]

The design for Demetri is awesome, and making his familiar an albino as well was a nice touch.

[Allan Surgite]

Mouse! :D

And here was me thinking that my guess on the team name was a long shot.

[Lix Lorn]

He is AWESOME!

[Darklord Xavez]

Yeah, I like that about him too. And yes, sorcerers get familiars.

The reason I'm posting him is that if there's an Aequar game in the future, I'm playing as him.

Wouldn't you be DM, since you created Aequar?
-Xavez

[CoffeeIncluded]

Wouldn't you be DM, since you created Aequar?
-Xavez

No, I don't know the DnD rules well enough to be a DM. I'll play and make sure that the Aequar rules are followed though.

[Tulio d Bard]

Great update, great team name and great character design & concept!
And I don't remember seeing Lloyd that mad before...

[Draconi Redfir]

Poor poor sorcerers, they only class feature (casting not whistanding) is to obtain a familiar

now i'm wondering why Xylon dosent have one o.0 but thats offtopic.


albino dude looks badarse

[Marnath]

I seem to remember hearing he killed it or something.

[Mystic Muse]

Great update, great team name and great character design & concept!
And I don't remember seeing Lloyd that mad before...

He's probably experienced it firsthand before.

[Tulio d Bard]

He's probably experienced it firsthand before.

I think so...
It doesn't need the book part, but just burning people would be enough.

[The Dark Fiddler]

No, I don't know the DnD rules well enough to be a DM. I'll play and make sure that the Aequar rules are followed though.

Well there's only one way you get better...

now i'm wondering why Xylon dosent have one o.0 but thats offtopic.

I think the leading theory is that he got rid of it for an ACF to make his metamagic better.

[Silverraptor]

No, I don't know the DnD rules well enough to be a DM. I'll play and make sure that the Aequar rules are followed though.

Would you want me to DM?

[CoffeeIncluded]

Once I submit my Cornell application AND get to a certain part of the story, I'll post the homebrew.

[Illven]

Would you want me to DM?

Hey I already claimed DM, I just can't do anything till I get a homebrew setting.

[Mystic Muse]

Once I submit my Cornell application AND get to a certain part of the story, I'll post the homebrew.

Can we at least know how far away this part of the story is?

[CoffeeIncluded]

Can we at least know how far away this part of the story is?

Uhm, very soon. It starts about 4ish strips from now and ends about 10ish strips from now. So, sometime late next month or early November.

[Mystic Muse]

Uhm, very soon. It starts about 4ish strips from now and ends about 10ish strips from now. So, sometime late next month or early November.

Great!

Can't wait for the details!

[mucat]

Coffee --
All right, as I promised way too many times, I finally found a chance to sit down and organize my thoughts on that story fragment about Alistair and Melata.

First: it's very good. Powerful narrative, memorable characters -- a week after reading this fragment of only a few paragraphs, Alistair remains in my mind as a vivid character who I look forward to hating in future stories. So do the unnamed chain-smoking albino, and doomed, brilliant Melata, even though we met both of them only second-hand.

There are some things I think could make it even more powerful. Because of Alistair's respect for Melata, it could be a surprise to the reader that they were enemies, and an even more jarring surprise to know that he killed her. You might think of leaving these points ambiguous through most of the story, then letting them crash down on the reader near the end. (Of course, if the fragment were part of a larger story, the reader might already know these things in which case my advice wouldn't apply.)

I'm spoilering this next section for length…and I also want to make it clear that I'm not trying to tell you how to write your story. It's going to read as a point-by-point critique, but only because this is the best way I know to lay out the ideas I'm suggesting,not because I think I could have done a better job on the story!

To throw out some ideas, though…what if you kept all your story elements, but arranged them like this:

Spoiler

Show

Alistair arrives at the grave with his noodles, eats his share of them. Have him a little less snarky toward Melata, a little more respectful: perhaps he 'gazes' at the marble rather than 'smirking', maybe leaves off the "Well" at the start of his sentence. Having him start off respectful and nostalgic will give away less to the reader.

He thinks about how ghosts never respond, then about how he buried her here where she could see his victory (this second element is one you introduced later, but it would go well here.) No indication yet that she won't want to see his victory. He's acting a little cold, not sorrowful or emotional, but let the reader classify him as "friend or lover who is too proud to express his grief" rather than "enemy". The "especially hers" part sounds like it refers to his loneliness, rather than her hatred of him.

Since he's already thinking of his eventual victory, it's easy to make the transition to thinking about the chain-smoking albino, and about the incompetent opposition from Loki. Reader starts to realize Alisair is a villain, and assumes Melata is one too, since we still think they're allies.

Alistair reflects about the only foe who was ever a true threat to him. Don't make it clear that it's Melata; if she has a title, use that instead of her name, and use it sparingly so the reader doesn't catch on that you're hiding something. Even pronouns, so the reader doesn't know his enemy is a woman, might be good -- again if it doesn't make it too obvious that you're writing around something.

Describe the final fight between them, much as you do now. But now you use female pronouns freely, and you mention the noodles on the table; the sharp reader remembers the half-eaten noodles from the beginning of the story. (In fact, in the flashback scene, you might mention "her noodles" rather than just "the noodles"; if the ones in the flashback belong to him, then all the reader picks up is that Alistair likes noodles.)

Then he looks at the tombstone again, reads the words he carved, and you bring the whole thing together; make it clear now that his enemy in the flashback is the one whose grave he is visiting. If you used a title to refer to Melata before, have it carved here next to her name. Return to the idea that she is placed here to witness the new world he's building, but this time make it clear that she will hate this, and he is gloating. You can still emphasize the respect he feels for her rather than the sarcasm; you don't need to go voerboard to make the readers hate Alistair right now, because they will anyway.

Have him leave the noodles for her. This was the most powerful moment in the story already; it might be even more so if the reader has just realized both that Melata is a hero who deserves better than this, and that the noodles were her favorite, not Alistair's. Still, the gesture indicates he might be capable of remorse, and maybe the reader softens their attitude toward Alistair a little.

And then, just when Alistair is coming across as the honorable bad guy, let him show as much snark to Melata as you want: yes, he respects her, but he also hates her and wants to gloat. At which point, if you're trying to make the reader love to hate Alistair, you have almost certainly succeeded.

Anyway, if any of these suggestions are useful to you I'm glad; if they don't work as part of the larger story, then no worries. Thanks for a memorable read, and I can't wait to see these characters again in the sequel. (I predict I'll be following your work as long as you keep publishing it. Hell, I might even that obnoxious old-timer fan who brags at book-signings, "I used to read Coffee's stuff way before she was famous.")

[Roc Ness]

'Kay Coffee. Thanks to your thread in the Friendly Banter section, I looked at this thread and got hooked. I will be lurking here now.

[CoffeeIncluded]

Coffee --
All right, as I promised way too many times, I finally found a chance to sit down and organize my thoughts on that story fragment about Alistair and Melata.

First: it's very good. Powerful narrative, memorable characters -- a week after reading this fragment of only a few paragraphs, Alistair remains in my mind as a vivid character who I look forward to hating in future stories. So do the unnamed chain-smoking albino, and doomed, brilliant Melata, even though we met both of them only second-hand.

There are some things I think could make it even more powerful. Because of Alistair's respect for Melata, it could be a surprise to the reader that they were enemies, and an even more jarring surprise to know that he killed her. You might think of leaving these points ambiguous through most of the story, then letting them crash down on the reader near the end. (Of course, if the fragment were part of a larger story, the reader might already know these things in which case my advice wouldn't apply.)

I'm spoilering this next section for length…and I also want to make it clear that I'm not trying to tell you how to write your story. It's going to read as a point-by-point critique, but only because this is the best way I know to lay out the ideas I'm suggesting,not because I think I could have done a better job on the story!

To throw out some ideas, though…what if you kept all your story elements, but arranged them like this:

Spoiler

Show

Alistair arrives at the grave with his noodles, eats his share of them. Have him a little less snarky toward Melata, a little more respectful: perhaps he 'gazes' at the marble rather than 'smirking', maybe leaves off the "Well" at the start of his sentence. Having him start off respectful and nostalgic will give away less to the reader.

He thinks about how ghosts never respond, then about how he buried her here where she could see his victory (this second element is one you introduced later, but it would go well here.) No indication yet that she won't want to see his victory. He's acting a little cold, not sorrowful or emotional, but let the reader classify him as "friend or lover who is too proud to express his grief" rather than "enemy". The "especially hers" part sounds like it refers to his loneliness, rather than her hatred of him.

Since he's already thinking of his eventual victory, it's easy to make the transition to thinking about the chain-smoking albino, and about the incompetent opposition from Loki. Reader starts to realize Alisair is a villain, and assumes Melata is one too, since we still think they're allies.

Alistair reflects about the only foe who was ever a true threat to him. Don't make it clear that it's Melata; if she has a title, use that instead of her name, and use it sparingly so the reader doesn't catch on that you're hiding something. Even pronouns, so the reader doesn't know his enemy is a woman, might be good -- again if it doesn't make it too obvious that you're writing around something.

Describe the final fight between them, much as you do now. But now you use female pronouns freely, and you mention the noodles on the table; the sharp reader remembers the half-eaten noodles from the beginning of the story. (In fact, in the flashback scene, you might mention "her noodles" rather than just "the noodles"; if the ones in the flashback belong to him, then all the reader picks up is that Alistair likes noodles.)

Then he looks at the tombstone again, reads the words he carved, and you bring the whole thing together; make it clear now that his enemy in the flashback is the one whose grave he is visiting. If you used a title to refer to Melata before, have it carved here next to her name. Return to the idea that she is placed here to witness the new world he's building, but this time make it clear that she will hate this, and he is gloating. You can still emphasize the respect he feels for her rather than the sarcasm; you don't need to go voerboard to make the readers hate Alistair right now, because they will anyway.

Have him leave the noodles for her. This was the most powerful moment in the story already; it might be even more so if the reader has just realized both that Melata is a hero who deserves better than this, and that the noodles were her favorite, not Alistair's. Still, the gesture indicates he might be capable of remorse, and maybe the reader softens their attitude toward Alistair a little.

And then, just when Alistair is coming across as the honorable bad guy, let him show as much snark to Melata as you want: yes, he respects her, but he also hates her and wants to gloat. At which point, if you're trying to make the reader love to hate Alistair, you have almost certainly succeeded.

Anyway, if any of these suggestions are useful to you I'm glad; if they don't work as part of the larger story, then no worries. Thanks for a memorable read, and I can't wait to see these characters again in the sequel. (I predict I'll be following your work as long as you keep publishing it. Hell, I might even that obnoxious old-timer fan who brags at book-signings, "I used to read Coffee's stuff way before she was famous.")

Wow. Thank you, Mucat. I always love to hear your analyses and critiques. I'm actually going to use this story in my creative writing class, so I'll probably use these pieces of advice, but this describes an actual scene in the comic, and the format there's going to be a bit different.

And I'm going to have to sell shirts out of my dorm room now, won't I. (But I don't know now to trademark and copyright my stuff...)

'Kay Coffee. Thanks to your thread in the Friendly Banter section, I looked at this thread and got hooked. I will be lurking here now.

Thank you Roc Ness!

[Roc Ness]

Thank you Roc Ness!

You're welcome.

*Looks at thread title*

Four times.

EDIT: Hey Coffee, could I ask a question? In one of the earlier comics (just after Matt and Janine go all pervert on the other two) what is that green box thing Radic has Matt put away?

[Marnath]

Giving out legal advice on here isn't a good idea.

[Jjeinn-tae]

Giving out legal advice on here isn't a good idea.

Not allowed then? I'll take it out.

And just because without the original post being removed makes this look weird, I wasn't actually suggesting anything, just stating what copyright law says.

[Zanaril]

Fan doodle.

Why so serious, Lloyd?

(Someone kicked a puppy.)

[mucat]

Hey Coffee, could I ask a question? In one of the earlier comics (just after Matt and Janine go all pervert on the other two)...

Now that narrows it down.

[HalfTangible]

Now that narrows it down.

There's actually very few where they both go pervert in one comic. =P