What DM says and what players hear

[Urpriest]

DM says: The BBEG's religion has vile sexual rituals.
Players hear: The DM is into vile sexual rituals.

[Fiery Diamond]

DM says: Robbing random stores is considered evil in my campaign. Evil is not allowed.
Players hear: I hate you all and don't want you to have any fun in my campaign.

*halfling rogue/assassin walks into dark room carrying torch*
PC: I make a spot check.

DM says: Tell me where you're looking.
DM means: I'm not going to assume you checked the ceiling unless you tell me you did.
Player hears: ...a random question...

PC: Forward and to the sides.
DM says: Just forward and to the sides?
DM means: I'm giving you a second chance.
Player hears: I'm not sure I heard correctly, say it again louder.

PC: Yes, forward and to the sides.
DM says: At head level?
DM means: COMMON SENSE! USE IT!
Player hears: I'm being a dumb DM and asking too many questions.

PC: Yes.
DM says: *rolls* You take 6 damage. Roll a grapple check. A choker is trying to choke you to death.
Player hears: PC death time, sucker!

The above actually happened in a campaign I DMed. The best part is that the halfling went exploring in the dark room alone, without the other PCs, and he failed his grapple check. No calling for help, because he's being choked! He got lucky and the other PCs decided to check on him just in time. He was in the negatives during the actual fight.

[Clovis]

*halfling rogue/assassin walks into dark room carrying torch*
PC: I make a spot check.

DM says: Tell me where you're looking.
DM means: I'm not going to assume you checked the ceiling unless you tell me you did.
Player hears: ...a random question...

This one is sooo true... We've also learned it the hard way. Always specify where you looking at!

Also:
DM says: after an interminable trek through the dark, sinister forest you arrive at a beutiful glade. There is a path of white stones leading to a bright red cottage. On the doorstep there is an elderly woman with apple cheeks and she's waving at you invitingly. She's holding a fresly-baked pie that gives off a mouth-watering scent...
Players hear: A witch! A witch! Ruuuuun!

(based off an actual incident)

[Iceforge]

In our current campaign, in which I am a player, the following has happened a few times in different variations:

DM says: "So you are sure thats your plan?"
DM thinks: "So you are not going to use the loot I gave you last time, which is obviously ideal to solve your current problem
Players think: "There is something in the describtion of our current location/encounter we have missed, but I can't figure that out, so screw it"

How was we supposed to realize having futuristic handgrenades was supposed to be benifitial to a fight against an attacking horde of orcs? -Yeah, I know, we should have.

DM says: "You got a map showing the most likely location for the sunken ship you are looking for, other things the dead wizard had in his lap includes a note about this location, detailing he didn't know how to enter this sunken vessel, as it was shielded. The map also shows the location of another city on the isle, which may or may not have been slaughtered by the monsters of the isle like the harbour city you just left"
DM thinks: "Now we will have fun with lots of encounters i spend hours to design as they go to the other city to look for help on how to enter this ship"
Players hear "You know where the ship is, go there now, leave the Isle forever and never come back"

EDIT: Oh, another from same campaign, after all but one of the party enters a special magical house we got which can be shrunk down, leaving all inside suspended animation, and one from the party uses our Anklet of Translocation to enter the sunken vessel, which is a futuristic space-ship (in which we get the above mentioned handgrenades)

DM: "You are in a 40ft by 20ft room with 25ft to the ceiling, on the walls are control panels, which seem like odd things your character doesn't understand"
Player: "Oh, our house is 20ft by 20ft, I will unfold it here"
DM: "Well, true, but the top of the roof is more than 25ft tall, so it won't unfold here"
DM thinks: "You'll have to find another method to get your friends inside, like opening the exit"
Player hears: "You have to be smarter to get them in"
Player thinks: "Well, if I put the house down on the side with the door facing up, it should still fit"

Yeah, we never solve things the way the DM had intended, and worst part is, we aren't doing it on purpose, we just don't see the solutions he got in mind and he doesn't see the solutions that spring to our mind before we tell him.

[IthroZada]

Here's one from my campaign.

DM says: You suddenly realize that you've been thrown two thousand years into the past.
Players hear: I dare you to try and conquer the ancient world.

That reminds me of my step-brothers home brewed world. He has two players who have played from 1-21 so far, and their entire goal is to destroy his world. I can't remember where the time travel comes into it, but seducing dragons and burning down entire towns is part of their plan.

[Kris Strife]

DM says: "Vizer", "Royal Advisor" or "Gotee"
Players hear: "This is one of the villains."

[Clovis]

How was we supposed to realize having futuristic handgrenades was supposed to be benifitial to a fight against an attacking horde of orcs? -Yeah, I know, we should have.

Seems like you missed the obligatory 'Holy Grail' reference.

ie the Holy Hand Grenade of St Antioch

[Serpentine]

DM says: Tell me where you're looking.
DM means: I'm not going to assume you checked the ceiling unless you tell me you did.
Player hears: ...a random question...

See, I'm always leery about doing that in my games, because it always (or I think it always) goes like this:

DM says: Tell me where you're looking.
Player hears: Look up.

Yeah, we never solve things the way the DM had intended, and worst part is, we aren't doing it on purpose, we just don't see the solutions he got in mind and he doesn't see the solutions that spring to our mind before we tell him.

As a DM, I really love it when that happens

[Amiel]

DM: *Anything, anything at all.*

Players: "Obviously, the solution is FIRE!"

Fixed for you

[ffone]

Q: "Conan, what is best in life?"

A:

Players hear: Write a 20 page backstory, then kill everything that moves!

[grarrrg]

Q: "Conan, what is best in life?"

A:

To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.
Having a late night talk show NOT taken away by Jay Leno?

[Zaydos]

Q: "Conan, what is best in life?"

A:

Ah we're supposed to play evil characters.

[Beelzebub1111]

DM: Your detect magic finds that the <any item> is magical
Players: IT'S CURSED! You shouldn't use it unless you properly identify it, even though it could possibly be useful or necessary to complete this dungeon.

DM: From what you can tell, this magic item causes all undead in the vicinity to become uncontrollable and violent to every living thing they see.
Players; This is an amazing magical treasure, bring it with you into Karrnath. That will work out great.

DM: Here's an NPC who has a mission for you to journey into the mournlands, he is providing you with a guide (another player who's character has been on expeditions before), Goodberry Wine, and a means to teleport out once the mission is complete.
What he means: I spent the last 8 Months building a campaign to a mournlands expedition. It has branching points to 5 other adventures, all of them leading to character based story progression. I've addressed your every fear and concern, just please take the damn mission.
Players Hear: Do whatever the hell you want. I can quickly adapt the entire campaign to an overland journey to Q'Barra for no apparent reason. And I think that you calling it Obama because you misread the map very hilarious, please keep doing it forever.

[Ryu_Bonkosi]

DM: *describes an NPC enemy with great detail*

Player hears 1 of 2 things:

#1: Run! We obviously have no way of beating this thing.

#2: Stay and fight. He will just use Deus Ex Machina anyway to defeat it for us.

[DragonOfUndeath]

DM says: a kobold is standing by the stairs with a holy symbol casting heal on the other kobolds
Players hear: blah class levels blah more XP blah back-up holy symbol for PC cleric

this actually happened and the DM actually let us use the symbol later when he took the clerics normal symbol and forgot about this one

[Worlok]

Q: "Conan, what is best in life?"

A:

To win initiative, to roll a natural twenty, and to hear the lamentation of the GM. Sorry, I just couldn't help myself.

[grimbold]

dm says; well i hope you guys have food for tonight
players think; crap WE DIDNT PACK FOOD AND WE"RE OUT OF SPELLS!
Dm then says; maybe you should forage
players think; well looks like we have to go back and fry up those kobolds from earlier.

(yah frying up kobolds is how my party likes to roll)

[Naia]

DM says: A beautiful young woman sitting in a chair smiles at you and says "Good evening".

Players hear: A soulsucking, leveldraining vampire! RUN!

[Tira-chan]

DM says: Hey, what's everyone's passive Perception/Insight checks?
Players hear: Start rolling active Perception/Insight checks.

DM says: This city has strict rules against public combat, and offenders will be jailed.
DM means: For once, can we PLEASE get through a session without killing any innocent bystanders?
Players hear: Ooh, jailbreak sidequest = more XP!

DM says: The palace is encrusted with gold filigree, and glowing jewels decorate its dome.
Players hear: Purple prose, purple prose... ahah! Treasure!

Q: "Conan, what is best in life?"

A:

To make unnecessary references to Discworld.

[LibraryOgre]

To make unnecessary references to Discworld.

No, that would be if you said "Cohen, what is best in life?"


For my players, the thing they most often hear is:

DM: (describes a scene)
Players: Ooooh... flammables.

[Tira-chan]

No, that would be if you said "Cohen, what is best in life?"


For my players, the thing they most often hear is:

DM: (describes a scene)
Players: Ooooh... flammables.

Well, yes, but my point was that most players I know will find a way to throw the quote in, and then high-five each other. Same goes for Monty Python.

[Dire Moose]

DM says: Blocking your way is a pool of what appears to be water.
Players hear: Blocking your way is a pool of some unknown liquid that is probably going to kill you on contact.

Personal anecdote regarding the above:

DM says: There is a pool of water blocking your way.
Players hear: Obviously it's just water or the DM would have said "appears to be water".
*Players throw a log into the pool to check for aquatic monsters, log dissolves*
DM: It turns out it was actually a pool of hydrochloric acid.

Later on in the same campaign:

DM says: The floor is covered with muddy water.
Players hear: The floor is covered with some unknown liquid that is probably going to kill you on contact.


And in the same dungeon as before:
DM says: The hallway is ten feet wide, with a foot of muddy water covering the floor.
Player hears: It's a generic hallway with some flavor added.
Player says: I walk down the hallway. (Note: player is currently alone and is wearing full plate)
DM says: So you're just going to walk down the corridor?
DM means: This is your chance to decide between life and death. Please tell me you're making Search checks.
Player hears: Gah, stupid DM is asking me to repeat what I already said.
*player falls down a ten-foot dropoff, still in full plate, and drowns*

[Kesnit]

DM says: A beautiful young woman sitting in a chair smiles at you and says "Good evening".

Players hear: A soulsucking, leveldraining vampire! RUN!

I thought Succubus.

[Arbane]

I thought Succubus.

Or a Lamia, a Changeling assassin....plenty of possibilities.

[Tyndmyr]

Well, when an attractive woman begins making sexy noises or looks at the characters, one of two things is happening.

1. The DM is plotting your character's horrible demise.

2. The DM is going to roleplay sexy time with you.

In either case, the proper response is clear.

[Zaydos]

Well, when an attractive woman begins making sexy noises or looks at the characters, one of two things is happening.

1. The DM is plotting your character's horrible demise.

2. The DM is going to roleplay sexy time with you.

In either case, the proper response is clear.

Strip off your armor to get it on with a woman you know is married?

Cause that's what the LG knight did in my game (it was a succubus; he almost died).

[Naia]

Yeah well - my players allways thinks (actually shouts) "Vampire!" (and I've only ever set one upon them - must've scared the crap out of them)...

[holywhippet]

DM says: I won't be following the rules to the letter. I'll be going on what I think makes sense.
Players hears: If I see a chance to kill one of you off I'm taking it - and the only way the rulebook is going to stop me is if one of you club me to death with it.

[Jade_Tarem]

Well, when an attractive woman begins making sexy noises or looks at the characters, one of two things is happening.

1. The DM is plotting your character's horrible demise.

2. The DM is going to roleplay sexy time with you.

In either case, the proper response is clear.

Female NPC (seductively): "So, maybe we should head up to my room and th-"

Player (shoves holy symbol in her face): "AAAAIIIIEEEEEE! BACK FOUL CREATURE!" (Looks at DM) "How much roleplaying xp do I get?"

[grarrrg]

Well, when an attractive woman begins making sexy noises or looks at the characters, one of two things is happening.

1. The DM is plotting your character's horrible demise.

2. The DM is going to roleplay sexy time with you.

In either case, the proper response is clear.

KILL IT WITH FIRE!

Although, there is about a 1 in 1,000,000 chance that your DM is of the opposite gender AND attractive. If that is the case then the correct response would be KILL IT WITH FIRE!