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    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    littlekKID's Avatar

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    Default my stories

    Here is a short story I've wrote, maybe I'll post more later, tell me what you think

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    A silent shadow moved between the rocks
    This was to be expected, a lot of silent shadows moved between the rocks of The Silent Shadows Abyss.
    The thing that made this specific shadow special was the fact that it still had a body connected to it.
    It wasn't a very good-looking body, vaguely feminine, thin almost to the point of anorectic and with two big Leather wings on its back. The shadow and its body moved toward the big metal building.
    ''What a stupid idea'' the body thought ''building a prison in this dark place, anyone can sneak in'' then it remembered that it's the only thing that ever tried to get IN.
    What wouldn't I do for money?
    There were two guards at the gate, the big one was a snake-like figure with big antlers and the smaller one was very small and humanoid, the guard's armor Hung heavily from her.
    The assassin, for that is what the owner of the body was, took a green metal fan, aiming carefully. With a motion, she threw it towards the door. Vines and roots began growing from the fan, twisting their way into crevices, breaching the iron door, crushing it as they grew. The two guards turned to face the door, surprised.
    The assassin flew through one of the bigger cracks in the door. With her luck, she though, both of the guards were fire demons and her distraction wouldn’t last long.
    Actually, only the small one was a fire imp, the bigger one was lightning, and they both looked on the Scorched pile that used to be a big, fleshy vine a few minutes ago.
    ''Who do think done it?'' asked the small one, which, while we're on the subject of names, was called Zarra. She stopped and sniffed the air ''there's someone in there!''
    The hallways were dark almost completely, and weren't made for either walking or flying. She could hear the guards yell at each other, they weren’t exactly sure what to do in case somebody got in.
    Here's a pretty heavy door, that's must be the place.
    A ruby a head, any head, as long as it got a stupid black halo over it.
    The door fell after a few good kicks, the yelling were replaced by the voices of Wings flapping and steps.
    For a Heavenly ruby, The Assassin would've cut off her own head, but some of punishments the Demons made weren’t worth all the jewels in the world.
    Okay, the demons were just doing the angels' Dirty work: guarding prisons, serving mortals when they call them and, yes, torturing people. But you can't do the same job for generations without starting to like it.
    She entered the room, closed the door and aimed another metal fan, this time silver.
    ''Well, an assassin'' said her target, that was chained to a wall ''I thought someone might come one day'' she sounded surprisingly happy.
    The Assassin didn't know what to do; killing some one while he's sleeping or not looking at you, and killing someone while he stares at you with two glowing red eyes, are two different things
    The target sniffed the air ''beast-woman, Huh? always thought assassination is more of a nymphs' thing'' beside the eyes, the only other thing The Assassin saw was two lightning-like marks on her cheeks, they glowed when she talked ''so who I need to thank for your visit?''
    ''It's not personal'' said The Assassin, trying her best to sound confidence.
    The target sighed ''that's life for you, Huh? you waste half of you time making sure that all the heaven, the underworld and their Mummified sister will hate you, and when SOMEBODY finally send someone 'It's not personal'''
    The Target noticed that The Assassin is still standing there in a stupid position.
    ‘‘You can do it. It doesn't really matter now'' she got the look at The Assassin's eyes ''I'll try not to look; I know how hard is it to kill someone when he's staring right at you''.

    To The Assassin's surprise, fallen angel bleed just like ordinary angels.


    I hope I didn't make any Misspellings\grammer mistakes, English is not my mother tongue



    EDIT: I did some rewriting, thanks to Mythestopheles for helping me with that

    EDIT2: again, some rewriting, this times, thanks to leakingpen
    Last edited by littlekKID; 2010-12-14 at 03:51 PM.
    We now stop this thread for this blatant self-promotion of my own webcomics

    http://goldensorceress.smackjeeves.com/

    HUGGBEES!!
    Interesting Fact: If you spin around while saying 'Huggbees' three times real quick, Pierre Salinger will appear. Only he'll have... a beard!
    also, some of my drawings and writing
    Awesome Demon girl avatar by GreenMuffin
    and now, back to the thread

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    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    leakingpen's Avatar

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    Default Re: my stories

    Its... stilted. It feels like a lot of it SHOULD be in quotes, showing it the main characters thoughts to itself. Also, use of caps on random words threw me for a loop. It feels very much like you are describing a scene to an artist that you want to draw the scene for you, like a script for a comic.
    Hey everyone! Dyluth and I have a new project coming up, a steam/diesel punk webcomic. Please take a look!



    Self published writer, editor, publisher.

    Pinch Writer for the long running OOTS fan comic, anti-Heroes

    Hope to be a writer? read this. http://www.writing.com/main/view_ite...3-Show-Vs-Tell

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    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    littlekKID's Avatar

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    Default Re: my stories

    Quote Originally Posted by leakingpen View Post
    Its... stilted. It feels like a lot of it SHOULD be in quotes, showing it the main characters thoughts to itself. Also, use of caps on random words threw me for a loop. It feels very much like you are describing a scene to an artist that you want to draw the scene for you, like a script for a comic.
    Thanks for the feedback!I gusses that's not my best story I added an other story

    Spoiler
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    The stranger sat quietly on his horse, watching the events
    There was a battle of some sort, first a few, then dozens, then thousands, then few again, and then the dance start all over again
    And for what? A few more acres of land? The Possibility to control? Fame? Money?
    The stranger did not ask these questions. His job was to watch, and that is the hill that he watched from. Battle after battle, bloodshed after bloodshed. All together and individually.
    In first glance, you'd be surprised how no one noticed it. He’s dressed in long, torn, ash-colored robe, with dark skin, unnatural red hair and weird marks Glows faintly on his forehead. Everyone who ever read a book in his life could identify him as the mysterious and probably supernatural stranger.
    At a second glance, you’d start thinking that maybe ... well, he's not so strange. You must have seen stranger of him, you can’t remember seeing, but must have seen, you just can‘t remember. Well, after all, still has the correct number of heads, right?
    Only a few take a third glance
    Then the dance was over. The last piece of iron fell to the ground.
    The words ''at last'' danced in the silence of his mind before they reached his lips.
    He rode away, leaving a trail of orange sparks in the battlefield
    The opening act was over, now everything start



    We now stop this thread for this blatant self-promotion of my own webcomics

    http://goldensorceress.smackjeeves.com/

    HUGGBEES!!
    Interesting Fact: If you spin around while saying 'Huggbees' three times real quick, Pierre Salinger will appear. Only he'll have... a beard!
    also, some of my drawings and writing
    Awesome Demon girl avatar by GreenMuffin
    and now, back to the thread

  4. - Top - End - #4
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    leakingpen's Avatar

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    Default Re: my stories

    Don't get me wrong, good story, just a lot of tell, not show. You shouldn't be telling us what happened, like describing a tv show, you should show it, make the movie in their minds.

    for example

    The assassin, for that is what the owner of the body was, took a green metal fan, aiming carefully. With a motion, she threw it towards the door. Vines and roots began growing from the fan, twisting their way into crevices, breaching the iron door, crushing it as they grew. The two guards turned to face the door, surprised.
    The assassin flew through one of the bigger cracks in the door. With her luck, she though, both of the guards were fire demons and her distraction wouldn’t last long.


    Does the difference make sense?
    Last edited by leakingpen; 2010-12-14 at 10:59 AM.
    Hey everyone! Dyluth and I have a new project coming up, a steam/diesel punk webcomic. Please take a look!



    Self published writer, editor, publisher.

    Pinch Writer for the long running OOTS fan comic, anti-Heroes

    Hope to be a writer? read this. http://www.writing.com/main/view_ite...3-Show-Vs-Tell

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    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    littlekKID's Avatar

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    Default Re: my stories

    Quote Originally Posted by leakingpen View Post
    Don't get me wrong, good story, just a lot of tell, not show. You shouldn't be telling us what happened, like describing a tv show, you should show it, make the movie in their minds.

    for example

    The assassin, for that is what the owner of the body was, took a green metal fan, aiming carefully. With a motion, she threw it towards the door. Vines and roots began growing from the fan, twisting their way into crevices, breaching the iron door, crushing it as they grew. The two guards turned to face the door, surprised.
    The assassin flew through one of the bigger cracks in the door. With her luck, she though, both of the guards were fire demons and her distraction wouldn’t last long.


    Does the difference make sense?
    Yes , I changed it.

    also, what did you thought about the second story?
    We now stop this thread for this blatant self-promotion of my own webcomics

    http://goldensorceress.smackjeeves.com/

    HUGGBEES!!
    Interesting Fact: If you spin around while saying 'Huggbees' three times real quick, Pierre Salinger will appear. Only he'll have... a beard!
    also, some of my drawings and writing
    Awesome Demon girl avatar by GreenMuffin
    and now, back to the thread

  6. - Top - End - #6
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    leakingpen's Avatar

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    Default Re: my stories

    again, im intrigued in the character, just, same types of writing issues. It does show that English is not your first language, tenses really seem to be tripping you up. Keep on writing, though, you've obviously got some talent for characterization and situations, its just the mechanics that you need work on, and that should come with time and practice.

    Also, try reading what I edited in, and what you had originally, and see if the difference makes sense to you, and if you can repeat that.

    Also, read stephen king's IT, it passes back and forth in perspective and tense, its a good primer in terms of the mechanics of English.
    Hey everyone! Dyluth and I have a new project coming up, a steam/diesel punk webcomic. Please take a look!



    Self published writer, editor, publisher.

    Pinch Writer for the long running OOTS fan comic, anti-Heroes

    Hope to be a writer? read this. http://www.writing.com/main/view_ite...3-Show-Vs-Tell

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