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    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    cho_j's Avatar

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    Dec 2009

    Default Poem for critique

    Hallo all!

    I wrote a poem recently, from the point of view of a character of mine, Dezzine. I would greatly appreciate thoughtful critique!

    When I fight with you I
    feel so stupid because
    you're the one who
    I don't have to fight at all
    I don't have to fight you at all
    And it's everyone else
    Everybody else
    They're the ones that I have to fight
    So why do I go and
    Make you so mad
    Let you make me so mad
    Because
    We don't really have to fight at
    all.

    (If anyone would like to read more of my stuff, I've got a FictionPress account.)
    Quote Originally Posted by Betropper View Post
    ďHello, my fans, look at you, now back to me, now back at you, now back to me. Sadly, you aren't me, but if you stopped using lady's scented armor and switched to O-Spice, you could smell like you're me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre on a battleground with the man you could smell like. Whatís your hand, back at me. I have it, itís a fist. Look again, MY FIST IS NOW DIAMOND. Anything is possible when you smell like O-Chul and not a lady. Iím on a dragon.Ē
    Avatar by me!

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    Barbarian in the Playground
     
    Asthix's Avatar

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    Lightbulb Re: Poem for critique

    Ooh, more poetry!

    Spoiler
    Show
    It sounds like Dezzine is perhaps in love with the one they don't have to fight?

    Anyway, at first I got caught up in the structure of your poem and trying to find if you were going for a particular style. The almost repeated lines made me think of a villanelle or a rondel, which force you to repeat certain lines.

    Then I wondered if there's a specific term for repeating things like this in poetry. After poking around various wiki pages. I came to the conclusion that a repeated phrase (like 'have to fight') is called a refrain. (obvious, I know)

    I came across this bit of wisdom about repetition. It says the challenge of using refrains is to, "contribute to the meaning of the poem in as succinct and poignant a manner as possible." You've got the succinct part down, but probably could have done better on the poignant.

    In other words, some may read it and just say, "I don't like it." because they feel that all the repetition wasn't worth what it added to the poem. But I don't think this poem is meant to be big. It's very Shel Silverstein to me because of its independence, and of the repetition and how you use it throughout the poem as its own style.

    That is some serious enjambment there on almost every line of the poem. Now that I look at it, there's one of those almost repeated lines at the end of every point you make, except for line 8, which means that every line of the poem is either repeated or enjambed. I must confess I don't understand the last line being just, 'all.' That didn't work for me. Though I suspect its because you didn't want line 13 to be more than 8 syllables. Or maybe it was to juxtapose the single word, 'because'. Personally, I'm not personally a fan of enjambment.

    The subject of the poem definitely satisfies from a roleplaying perspective. The only gripe I have about the content would be the end. You used the word 'because' to clarify your rhetorical question of why you both get so mad. But you didn't use the 'because' to explain why you two get so mad at each other or why you should be fighting everyone else.

    Seeing as how the ending of a poem should be it's high point, using 'We don't really have to fight at all.' a phrase you've basically already used twice already in the poem (but this time adding 'we') doesn't give the reader anything new besides the image of togetherness between you and 'the one you don't have to fight.'

    Woah, that's confusing. Bottom line: I don't think the last two lines work.

    After writing this, I'm more convinced by what was missing that this is a poem about love more than it's about fighting. Which means I am probably wrong.

    Happy writing!
    Last edited by Asthix; 2010-12-12 at 01:37 PM.
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  3. - Top - End - #3
    Dwarf in the Playground
     
    cho_j's Avatar

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    Default Re: Poem for critique

    Quote Originally Posted by Asthix View Post
    Ooh, more poetry!

    Spoiler
    Show
    It sounds like Dezzine is perhaps in love with the one they don't have to fight?

    Anyway, at first I got caught up in the structure of your poem and trying to find if you were going for a particular style. The almost repeated lines made me think of a villanelle or a rondel, which force you to repeat certain lines.

    Then I wondered if there's a specific term for repeating things like this in poetry. After poking around various wiki pages. I came to the conclusion that a repeated phrase (like 'have to fight') is called a refrain. (obvious, I know)

    I came across this bit of wisdom about repetition. It says the challenge of using refrains is to, "contribute to the meaning of the poem in as succinct and poignant a manner as possible." You've got the succinct part down, but probably could have done better on the poignant.

    In other words, some may read it and just say, "I don't like it." because they feel that all the repetition wasn't worth what it added to the poem. But I don't think this poem is meant to be big. It's very Shel Silverstein to me because of its independence, and of the repetition and how you use it throughout the poem as its own style.

    That is some serious enjambment there on almost every line of the poem. Now that I look at it, there's one of those almost repeated lines at the end of every point you make, except for line 8, which means that every line of the poem is either repeated or enjambed. I must confess I don't understand the last line being just, 'all.' That didn't work for me. Though I suspect its because you didn't want line 13 to be more than 8 syllables. Or maybe it was to juxtapose the single word, 'because'. Personally, I'm not personally a fan of enjambment.

    The subject of the poem definitely satisfies from a roleplaying perspective. The only gripe I have about the content would be the end. You used the word 'because' to clarify your rhetorical question of why you both get so mad. But you didn't use the 'because' to explain why you two get so mad at each other or why you should be fighting everyone else.

    Seeing as how the ending of a poem should be it's high point, using 'We don't really have to fight at all.' a phrase you've basically already used twice already in the poem (but this time adding 'we') doesn't give the reader anything new besides the image of togetherness between you and 'the one you don't have to fight.'

    Woah, that's confusing. Bottom line: I don't think the last two lines work.

    After writing this, I'm more convinced by what was missing that this is a poem about love more than it's about fighting. Which means I am probably wrong.

    Happy writing!
    First of all, Asthix, I greatly appreciate your very thorough comments! You raise some very interesting points. I agree with some, but I realize I forgot to give everyone a very crucial piece of background for this: Dezzine is TERRIBLE at explaining her emotions, and is in general not a poetic person. She is a warrior, and a smart ass, and has a very hard time talking openly about what's bothering her.

    So, the funny thing is, I agree with you on the repetition. I think it doesn't quite help make the point any stronger. On the other hand, I love enjambment, and, actually, I don't use it as a device most of the time (it's just sort of stylistic to me, as a way of marking a poem as free verse).
    Quote Originally Posted by Betropper View Post
    ďHello, my fans, look at you, now back to me, now back at you, now back to me. Sadly, you aren't me, but if you stopped using lady's scented armor and switched to O-Spice, you could smell like you're me. Look down, back up, where are you? Youíre on a battleground with the man you could smell like. Whatís your hand, back at me. I have it, itís a fist. Look again, MY FIST IS NOW DIAMOND. Anything is possible when you smell like O-Chul and not a lady. Iím on a dragon.Ē
    Avatar by me!

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