Useless but fun magic Items

[Malphegor]

Malphegor’s Goggles Of Clean Seeing:
head slot item
cl: 5th
Crafting requirements: craft wondrous items, clairvoyance, 5,000 gp

Perpetually self-cleaning (the effect is slow and will stop entirely if they are fully immersed in dirt), the lenses of these glasses can be worn to see things at greater degree of focus, but not by any significant amount useful for combat purposes. For those who do not match the prescription of Malphegor the Wizard, it will render the user with a mildly annoying headache.

[Kami2awa]

Mitre of the Bishop
The wearer may only move, and attack, diagonally.

Ring of the Rook
The wearer may not move, or attack, diagonally.

Shoes of the Pawn
The wearer may take a 10' step instead of a 5' step on the first round of combat.
The wearer can only move by making 5', or 10', steps.
The wearer may not move diagonally.
The wearer can only attack diagonally.

Mantle of the Knight, Crown of the King, Robe of the Queen
You get the idea.

Actually, the Mantle of the Knight should make you auto-succeed Tumble checks to move through an enemy's space, making it rather useful.

[Andezzar]

Robe of the queen could also be interesting: Unlimited speed, an only move in a straight line.

[Ravens_cry]

Warming Lockets. Twin lockets that, when one is held and whoever is pictured within is thought fondly of, the other warms gently.

[Andor13]

Ring of Echolocation - When worn this ring pulls the wearer towards the nearest place with the proper acoustics to make echos.

Cape of the Bat - When the command word if spoken this cape transforms into a swarm of bats. They are not under the users command. Alternately it makes the users voice into a gravelly bass and occasionally makes him say "I am the night!"

Bow of Bowing - This normal short bow can summon a violin at will, and is always freshly rosined.

[Malphegor]

Bow of Bowing - This normal short bow can summon a violin at will, and is always freshly rosined.

Honestly resining the bow was the biggest pain in the torso slot with a violin anyway so I could see this being much appreciated.

[Ravens_cry]

Honestly resining the bow was the biggest pain in the torso slot with a violin anyway so I could see this being much appreciated.

Not to mention a nice source of coinage. If you are less than honest, even if it's the same musical instrument each time.

[Lupine]

Ring of Revival
Allows the caster to cast revivify without using a spell slot. Casting time two minutes.

[Andezzar]

Ring of Revival
Allows the caster to cast revivify without using a spell slot. Casting time two minutes.

Don't you have to specify target(s) at the end of the casting? So this might be somewhat useful.

[Lord Raziere]

Coin of Flipping: if this coin lands tails everyone in the room is flipped upside down. if the coin lands heads, everyone in the room is flipped so that they walk backwards for a less than a minute.

[Frozen_Feet]

Ring of gate

This ring allows the bearer to be summoned and bound as per the spell "Gate".

The mark of the ninja

This mark activates at random intervals to summon celestial ninjas to attack the bearer.
.

These are not useless at all. They are very usefull to put on prisoners or enemies.

Also, certainly not fun if you are said prisoner or enemy.

[Segev]

Musical Earplugs - Function like normal earplugs, but slightly better at filtering out exterior noise because they play a selection of pre-recorded songs as performed by whatever bard crafted them (or participated in their crafting).

Greater Musical Earplugs - as the Musical Earplugs, but they cure Deafness while worn...but only for the purposes of letting you hear the musical selections.

Wand of Disintegration - Has 50 charges, spends one charge and casts disintegrate when the spell trigger is correctly performed, but only targets the wand (almost certainly destroying it on the first use).

Truely Immovable Rod - When the button is pressed, the rod teleports away or otherwise vanishes, and is replaced entirely by a permanent image of the rod in that exact position. Can't be touched, let alone moved, even by incorporeal creatures because it's just an illusion.

Decan'ter of Endless Water - This clear glass bottle appears to be about 2/3 full of water, but when the water is poured out, it splashes as if hitting whatever surface below but no amount of water ever spreads from the site nor fills any containers. Though it feels cool and real to the touch when running over skin, it will never wet anything. This is because it's actually a major image of water. Filling the bottle will overwrite the illusion until the illusion is of more liquid than it really contains, and real fluid will pour out normally until gone and replaced seamlessly by the stream of illusory water.

Invisible Blindfold - When properly worn in the eyes' magic item slot, this piece of cloth turns invisible to both the wearer and all who look upon him.

Blindfold of Seeing the Invisible - Functions just like the Invisible Blindfold, but grants the wearer see invisibility, so they can clearly see the blindfold (and nothing else) while wearing it.

Portrait of King Populon the Well-Liked - This self-portrait was done by a King history records as one of the greatest ever. Well-liked by his people and beloved of his court, he was also a powerful sorcerer. Worked into it is a permanent symbol of persuasion that is still active, causing anybody who looks upon it to be Charmed by the painter...who has been dead for centuries. But everyone agrees, he was a swell guy.

[hotflungwok]

I always like the Holy Hockey Stick of Terror from 2nd ed

2H weapon, does 1d6 damage, on a critical it knocks out 1d3 teeth. For every 2 teeth lost this way the target loses a pt of CHA.

[Wuzza]

So, Blackadder was on TV earlier, and I've been drinking, so....

Baldricks Turnip of Cunning Plans. (+1)
This a particularly large turnip. You can use a bonus action to cause the turnip to turn into a supremely tasty stew. Once eaten, the turnip returns to your inventory within 1d10 minutes.
Additionally you may use a bonus action to call "Cunning Plan", doing this will distract any enemy within 5' of the turnip, causing them to be slightly amused. (no in game effect) If no enemy is close, this will cause any friendly creature to call out in despair, causing them to have disadvantage on any roll for 24 hours.
You can also use a bonus action to turn the Turnip into the shape of a "thingy"

Baldricks Container of Never Ending Wine.
This container contains a never ending supply of liquid. While it doesn't taste pleasant, it contains enough nourishment to sustain up to 8 creatures for 24 hours, negating the need to drink.
This container can be refilled by any party member every short/long rest.

Percys Amulet of Purest Gold
This amulet shines with the light of purest green. While wearing this amulet, you will be sought out by any alchemist within 5 miles, and pestered constantly for the recipe. This amulet is worth 10d10 copper.

Cardinal Chunders Devils Dumplings (+1)
While wearing this breastplate, you become irresistible to the opposite sex. You are also immune to any effects of alcohol.
By chanting the phrase "Great Boo's Up" you gain advantage on any Charisma check vs Priests, Clerics and Paladins.

Bonus item:

Triggers Broom of Mending
This broom stores 4 charges. Any spillage, magical or not, can be cleaned up using 1 charge of this broom. While attuned, your Int is set to 4.
Once per long rest the broom regains 1d4 handles + 1d6 heads.

[jintoya]

Tome of jokes:
This small book has an infinite amount of pages and contains only unfunny jokes, the book vanishes from your hand and reappears in your bag if you attempt to damage it in any way, it weighs 1lb and cannot be discarded without anything less than a disjunction.

[Pex]

Figurine of Wondrous Power - Singing Frog

This magical figurine is often found buried in the ground under a building or a tree. Upon discovery by its owner when alone, the frog will sing various songs in perfect pitch. Being so talented it could make the owner wealthy to put in a show. However, by the utmost coincidence the frog always manages to finish his current song just as the owner is about to show it to another person to hear the singing. Upon finishing the song the frog will only give the occasional croak and otherwise be a normal frog. When the owner is alone again the frog will sing. The only way for the owner to rid himself of the frog is to bury it somewhere, such as the foundation of where a building will be constructed or tree planted.

[PopeLinus1]

The bust of throw-ability. Things got... more absurd from there.

[Segev]

Tome of jokes:
This small book has an infinite amount of pages and contains only unfunny jokes, the book vanishes from your hand and reappears in your bag if you attempt to damage it in any way, it weighs 1lb and cannot be discarded without anything less than a disjunction.

This seems at least as useful as any other cursed "can't lose it" item in that you can sell it for a pittance an infinite number of times. As long as you can sell it for enough to make the time it takes to make a sale worth the income....

[Jay R]

This seems at least as useful as any other cursed "can't lose it" item in that you can sell it for a pittance an infinite number of times. As long as you can sell it for enough to make the time it takes to make a sale worth the income....

... and as long as you don't mind becoming an outlaw, with an ever-growing number of outraged customers chasing you.

[Phhase]

Eye of Introspection
A magical glass eye. Will affix to an empty socket, and can be seen out of. Once per day, can cast know alignment. However, using this function causes the eye to roll backwards into the user's head, such that the only thing they can see/know the alignment of is themselves.

[Jay R]

One of the triumphant joys of being a D&D player is figuring out a way to use the intended useless items.

One DM gave out a bag of useless duplication. You could put anything in it and get a useless duplicate. Duplicated food was inedible; duplicated jewels and coins were obvious fakes; duplicated magic items looked real but didn't work.

I used it to steal another party's magic items, leaving behind the duplicates. They spent a long time trying to re-activate their items, and to investigate what could have made all their magic items inert.

But they never came looking for the thief, because they never suspected that the real items were stolen.

[jintoya]

... and as long as you don't mind becoming an outlaw, with an ever-growing number of outraged customers chasing you.

Had this happen... It didn't end well for the party rogue... They only found a smoking pair of shoes.
Word spread if the item and seller, essentially I placed a few shop keepers who were in-the-know who traded him a "mystery treasure chest"for it... He took it and ran off to open it... After a few failed grapples and one fresh character sheet... The party has a new Bard with a healthy fear of mimics

[Andezzar]

Eye of Introspection
A magical glass eye. Will affix to an empty socket, and can be seen out of. Once per day, can cast know alignment. However, using this function causes the eye to roll backwards into the user's head, such that the only thing they can see/know the alignment of is themselves.

I don't think this item qualifies:

• Know alignment is not a 3.5 spell and detect alignment would not be hindered by the user's head.
• It would be very useful for any one eyed character even without the know alignment effect.

[jintoya]

I don't think this item qualifies:

• Know alignment is not a 3.5 spell and detect alignment would not be hindered by the user's head.
• It would be very useful for any one eyed character even without the know alignment effect.

Put it in a skull, put that skull on a staff, it's now an aimed effect, just poke a hole in it so the eye is looking out the back.

[Segev]

A lens that casts detect chaos, detect evil, detect good, and detect law all at the same time, when looked through and activated. However, all auras it can see look the same, so it's impossible to tell what alignment is being detected.

[Andezzar]

So it is essentially detect neutrality.

[Caerulea]

Wooden Stick of Art:
This rough wooden stick around 6.5 inches long forces anyone viewing it to make a will save or believe it is a pipe. If somebody attempts to light it, it appears to be lit. When the user tries to inhale, they abruptly realise it is not, in fact, a pipe, and usually spit it out. The pipe is unharmed by this attempt. It can only affect a person once.

It was created by a wizard trying to make a point about art, or something.

—Caerulea

[DuctTapeKatar]

Vibrating pebble.

Upon touching the rune on the pebble, it vibrates.

[Pex]

Vibrating pebble.

Upon touching the rune on the pebble, it vibrates.

That would not be useless for some people. Location of the pebble is important to them.

[Ravens_cry]

I always like the Holy Hockey Stick of Terror from 2nd ed

2H weapon, does 1d6 damage, on a critical it knocks out 1d3 teeth. For every 2 teeth lost this way the target loses a pt of CHA.

That there is aboot deh most Canadian magic item evar, eh? 🍁