Seeking a critique of my Game world.

[Rentaromon]

I have been working on a world for quite some time now but have never shared it with anyone, and i decided to get some people to critique it. I would like to hear anything you have to say about it and i apologize now for my crappy grammar and spelling. Please leave a link to anything you want me to critique as well!


Promethean System: this solar system is the home of a story I have been working on, the system is set in the area of 2500 and is the home of many different sentient species. The basic geography of the system is as follows:

Enviroment:

Spoiler

Show

In the middle we have Mother and father, a pair of binary stars. The stars or normal in most ways except they are very close together, sometimes even having matter move from one to the other in beautiful light displays. The ancient race has been keeping the stars from ageing or making any large changes.

We then have 6 terrestrial planets orbiting around it; half have been terreformed by the ancients to by perfect for human life.

The first planet is Rennea; it was not terreformed for human life as its close orbit makes this very hard, even for the ancients. None the less it is the home of the Reddens.

Second we have Vast, a planet void of any large cities; it is only home to the wildlife that has evolved in the earth like environment and small villages of early humans, Shakos, and some Cree. Mostly human however.

Third we have new Earth, the planet the vast majority of the humans have inhabited, it is covered in large cities, resource mines, and only a few small areas of natural untouched land left.

Forth is Prometheus, the first planet to be inhabited by sentient species and the home world of the Ancients. The land is home to the ancients, early humans, majority of the shakos, and the 2012 Humans.

The 5th and 6th planet are actually two very small planets that orbit each other while they orbit the suns, originally called brother and sister but they have become known as the trade moons. They were not terreformed as they were too small to hold it. They are covered in artificial biomes were most species can be found. The planets are known as an area free of the oppressive laws of the ancients and the humans.

The Worlds End Belt or commonly called no mans land is a large belt of Pluto sized half planets and countless other small derby that makes a belt circling all the planets and the suns. The area is VERY dangerous as small debris is constant.

The promethean system has another system very near it called the unnamed system with only one goldilocks planet, the unnamed planet. It was home to a group of now extinct species called the collective, but they have died out (more on them later). The name of the planet and the system are in the language of the collective, and is unfortunately impossible to translate to any spoken or written language.

Races: Most of the sentient races in the Promethean system. The ancients and shako are from the system, humans, colossus, gollun, and Cree have been brought by the ancients to the system. Crystalline, Slimes, Overlords came here of their own.

Crystalline:

Spoiler

Show

A species made from a crystal similar to quarts, their minds are all linked by the leader and are in the form of electrical patterns that go through the whole body. There is only one crystalline, kite. All other individuals were other species (mostly human) who turned their bodies to crystal and add their minds to kites. Their bodies can take any shape and are only limited by their mind power and available crystal. However kite limits the possible transformations, simply to deal with the fact that the minds of DNA based species cannot handle more than the basics, and also so the power is not abused. Crystalline are the only race with no sort of DNA. Aside from kite and transformed individuals there are crystal creatures, that are more like robots than a living creature, only able to do as they are programmed. They are treated like outsiders with how much they are able to change their bodies, but for the most part they keep their body looking like humans (or whatever species they once were).

Slimes:

Spoiler

Show

Creatures made of a highly acidic fluid and organs in a sort of sack of skin, the green blobs can form bone like structures to act as protection or a form of attack. Amnation is the most well-known and leader of the slime but he has given birth to others. Slimes start life in a cocoon until their body and mind are complete. Their shape is chosen by amnation and he designates their roll. Some are small, even smaller than a human, an example is Cancer Pods. Some are large, the size of an elephant, an example being Feasters or Slayers. And some are gigantic, towering over buildings and creatures, these are called Enders. All slimes have simple minds, and will only do as they are told by amnation but unlike crystal creatures their minds are indeed separate from amnations. They are an enemy to all but the overlords.

Humans:

Spoiler

Show

Humans surprisingly are the most varied race, and easily the vastest in number. Humans from all times in history have been taken to the Promethean system. Some from medieval times, some from colonial times, and a large group from 2012. However the largest group is from the actual time line, the humans from the correct time can be split into groups like the Reddens and New Earth humans. Reddens mostly live on Rennea and on the trade planets, early humans live on vast and Prometheus, the 2012 group lives on Prometheus for the most part but some have joined new earth or the trade planets, and the humans from this time live mostly on new earth. The solar systems planets have been, for the most part, tereformed specificity for them. Other species need suits and biomes to survive.

Shakos:

Spoiler

Show

a race of humanoid aliens with limited teck, think Native American level. Their bodies are very similar to humans, possibly due to the ancients tampering with their evolution. They have much stronger senses of taste and smell (combined into 1 scent) and are more comfortable in hot weather compared to humans. They are human in most ways but have 4 digits on their hands and feet, hair along their backs and no nose, instead they have a large mouth and tongue. They can sense the weather like animals can, and the weather and temperature tells them when they can mate, about 4 times a year. They speak both English and their own language, there language is much deeper and makes use of their large mouths and is capable of being used long distances like a wolfs howl.

Colossus:

Spoiler

Show

one of the more advanced races, there bodies have been vastly altered threw genetic engineering to the point they resemble machines as much as living organisms. They are tall, about 25 feet. Their head and limbs can all be retracted into their torso as it has the most natural armor. They have eyes all around their head, but can only use 1 at a time. They also have limbs all around their body but most stay retracted, there brain power can only handle so many at a time(much like if a human tried to operate more limbs than it was use to). Their race is nearly extinct so every life is priceless. They are a very proud people and do not like to take any help at all. All are born in labs, but genetic stability has become a problem and most clones do not survive growth.

Overlords:

Spoiler

Show

The overlords are an old race with very advanced teck stolen from countless other species. They can teleport with gate storms, control other species with a virus, and have massive destructive weapons. They seek to control all species in the galaxy. The actual overlords have different bodies for the rank of each individual. With their leaders crafting their own bodies however they see fit. The average grunt is similar to humans in many ways, 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 eyes, nose and mouth. However they look more savage, best described as an ork from lord of the rings, but a bit beefier. Their virus does not work perfectly on some species; humans can only be controlled to a limited degree (think zombies). They are an enemy to all but the Slimes.

Ancients:

Spoiler

Show

A super advanced race of alien. There teck is farther than any other species to the point no other race can recreate or understand there machines. Physically they are weak and must live in specially made environments on their ships, bioengineering their bodies is seen as a major crime. They speak with light patterns they produce from changing colors in their pigment. when not speaking their skin is white. They have advanced to the point that our technology is so alien to them it makes little sense, essentially to smart. They are heavily based on the ancients of stargateSG1, without the Norse theme.

Gollun:

Spoiler

Show

A race of aliens controlled almost entirely by the overlords. There planet was very large and their bodies are large and resilient as a result. They were around the same level that the humans were in teck, they could fly around the solar system but star travel was still out of reach. There bodies are made to survive in a much heavier environment so they need suits to survive, they double as heavy armor. Their body has 2 arms, and head with a long but retractable neck, and 4 legs. They use spoken language but their physiology makes it impossible for them to speak English or for us to speak their language (simply to different). Small settlements exist on most of the planets; however they must wear pressure suits or stay inside dome cities or die of decompression in the normal atmosphere. The gollun not under overlord control are treated badly by some people who fear them. Gollun and Cree get along very well.

Cree:

Spoiler

Show

A race of aliens controlled almost entirely by the overlords. They have compound eyes like insects and both an exo and endo skeleton and thin but strong muscles, their bodies cannot produce fat. There teck is only a few years ahead of present day earth. They have wings that look similar to a bee, flapping quickly to make up for a lack of size, but can only be used for extended jumps not flight. They have 2 legs and arms with 3 digits on each hand and foot. They do not breathe but need to feed often. Their language uses clicks so a translator is needed to understand them. Some settlements exist on most of the planets, commonly near or connected to Gollun ones. The Cree not under overlord control are treated badly by some people who fear them. Gollun and Cree get along very well.

Collective:

Spoiler

Show

a mostly extinct race in the unnamed system. The planet had many species reach sentience at the same time (think thundercats if u have seen the old shows) and they worked together instead of warring. They were very peaceful people but were far too adventurous in their technology. They developed some amazing weapons, armor, and other important devices before they brought about their own destruction threw weapons they could not control. The planet is covered with razor storms, sky towers, solar radiation storms, and highly charged storm clouds. And worse of all are the predators, the last remaining of the collective turned savage monster who hunt each other and any poor fool entering the planet. Human ships can reach the system in a little under a year.

[erictheredd]

The thing that intrigues and stands out to me is the plucking of humans from earth at different times. It raises some interesting questions:

1) How long ago was the group plucked out, what do the remember of it, and how long does it take them to assimilate to become "normal humans"

2) Humans from past times are brought. What about humans from "future times", as in, humans from a time so advanced that they know very little that is actually useful?

3) Is the main human basis transported from 2500, or is that just were the bulk of "assimilated" humans are.

4) how is technology limited? as in, kept from spreading, particularly to the Shako.


As a compliment, what is up with the ancient's fascination with humans? I am kind of curious.

As another question, are their no gas giants in the system? what happened to them?

[Rentaromon]

The thing that intrigues and stands out to me is the plucking of humans from earth at different times. It raises some interesting questions:

1) How long ago was the group plucked out, what do the remember of it, and how long does it take them to assimilate to become "normal humans"

2) Humans from past times are brought. What about humans from "future times", as in, humans from a time so advanced that they know very little that is actually useful?

3) Is the main human basis transported from 2500, or is that just were the bulk of "assimilated" humans are.

4) how is technology limited? as in, kept from spreading, particularly to the Shako.


As a compliment, what is up with the ancient's fascination with humans? I am kind of curious.

As another question, are their no gas giants in the system? what happened to them?

some good questions, most of wich are all coused by the ancients one BIG weakness, they cant stand change.

1: the earlyest human grabbed were the mian or the people during the black plague, whatever was first. every time a lot of people died many of the dead were taken by the ancients, in 2012 the overlords attack earth and a big chunk got taken.

2: the most advanced humans are from the present time 2500, they cant take people from the future. the ancients made contact with earth around 2250, told them about new planets with a lot of resources and 99% of humanity left earth, it was in a sorry state at this time. these people are considered just humans, the people before 2000 are called early humans and then there are the 2012 humans.

3: i think i answered this in 2 but im not shure, the question is hard to understand.

4: the ancients hate change, so they realy dont do anything to help the humans get past were they are. They advise the early humans, and the shako to not depend on the technology, they expected the 2012 humans to use only their tech as well, they didnt, and when the ancients tryed to supress their advancement it sparked a war. but its like a war between a 5 year old and a grown man, the child does no damage and the man cant hit him legally.

5: the ancients have a need for companion ship, its like a whole race of the doctor, they want other species near them. And they sort of adopted us, but aside from giveing us new lands they are not exactly helping us a lot. They see us as a pet dog in a way.

6: the gas giants were mined out by the ancients WAY long ago, back when they needed to do that, now when they need matter that can just take it from stars 100s of light years away in a second. they never rebuilt them, they wanted planets like their own, essentially they crafted their solar system to suit what they wanted.

you may not believe it but the main forces in the storys are not the humans and the ancients, its the crystalline and the slimes. but more on that if anyone asks. and by main i mean most important to the story, not in number.

[Rentaromon]

wow slow forum, so no one else has anything else to say, i usually get at least a few responses, even if it is just people saying i cant spell.

[Ursus the Grim]

wow slow forum, so no one else has anything else to say, i usually get at least a few responses, even if it is just people saying i cant spell.

Well, you can't. Give me a bit and I'll review it too.

Okay, its kind of interesting and varied. I am just curious as to how all these races came to hang out in one particular system.

[Rentaromon]

Well, you can't. Give me a bit and I'll review it too.

Okay, its kind of interesting and varied. I am just curious as to how all these races came to hang out in one particular system.

Ancients and shakos are from this system. humans gollun cree and colossus all were brought there becouse their race was almost exterminated by the overlords, the overlords are trying to get a foot hold.

the crystalline and slimes are fighting over the worlds becouse they have so many species on them.

[Rentaromon]

final bump, i know my english is bad.