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  1. - Top - End - #1111
    Ettin in the Playground
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    I'm not sure whether I'm happy or happy right now, given that I just realized I have to re-write this entire chapter for the plot to work out the way it needs too. On the one hoof, no more frustrated rants to myself over why things aren't working - on the other hoof, I have to scrap everything I've written so far.
    Last edited by Raz_Fox; 2011-05-17 at 04:02 PM.
    freedom in the flame

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    Quote Originally Posted by PhoeKun View Post
    Raz, you scoundrel! You planned this!
    Quote Originally Posted by BladeofObliviom View Post
    Great, and now I'm imagining what Raz's profile on a dating site would look like. "Must be okay with veils."
    Quote Originally Posted by Kasanip View Post
    I don't think there is such a time to have veils that it is not the fault of Raz_Fox.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dervag View Post
    It's a freaking Romulan dump truck. The Romulans are no more likely to build an unarmed warp-capable ship than they are to become a hippy commune.

  2. - Top - End - #1112
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    As I've been told, there is no good writing, only good re-writing. I essentially had to scrap practically the entire middle of Sunny Skies once the weak plot structure was pointed out to me.

    So keep at it, it'll be worth it!
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  3. - Top - End - #1113
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    Alright, everypony! I've finished part 3 of my fic. Goodness, it's shorter than the last 2 parts. Eh, I'll live. I've still got a lot more to go.

    An Old Mare's Tale
    Part 1
    Part 2
    Part 3

    FF.net links up in less than an hour.

    I will take this opportunity to ask for reviews one last time. I really need them! Please, please, please give me feedback. The longer I go without it, the worse the fic will get. Do you want to be responsible for bad fanfiction? No? Good. Help me!

    I will continue to post updates on the fic, but I will cease telling people that I need reviews. Anyone who cares has seen the message by this point, and doesn't need it repeated. Anyone who doesn't care is probably getting annoyed at seeing it. I may ask for help with specific problem spots, but otherwise, future updates will have links only.

    P.S. I changed the formatting to be a bit more compact. I hope this doesn't make it harder to read.

  4. - Top - End - #1114
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    Let me be explictly clear: I have no problems with anyone's opinions of any characters, nor of them expressing them ('cos yeah, sometimes it is funny); but everything in moderation, yeah? In that we don't need to bring it up every time someone mentions her. (I asked if we can tone it back a tad, not stop it altogether.)

    (As repetition - to excess - doesn't make it funnier, Seth McFarlane, I'm lookin' at you...)

    But, like Bobcat, I've said my piece, and it's not worth any of us kvetching about too much1, so I'll now hush, Penfold...

    So, we evil, my brnnng...broonngh...brouuuagh...

    ...

    ...

    ...my fellow fans of small equestrians?

    (Yeah, sorry, I just am racially allergic to the term "bro" *shudder* and it's deriviatives. It's a lich thing. Or an English thing. Or possibly an English Lich thing.)



    Quote Originally Posted by darthbobcat
    Also, thanks for reviewing FFF.
    Not a problem, my good, sorry, my evil Sith feline...



    1That's not whining, this is whining...wait. No, trust me, you do not want me to go there...

  5. - Top - End - #1115
    Ettin in the Playground
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by DeadManSleeping View Post
    I will take this opportunity to ask for reviews one last time. I really need them! Please, please, please give me feedback. The longer I go without it, the worse the fic will get. Do you want to be responsible for bad fanfiction? No? Good. Help me!

    I will continue to post updates on the fic, but I will cease telling people that I need reviews. Anyone who cares has seen the message by this point, and doesn't need it repeated. Anyone who doesn't care is probably getting annoyed at seeing it. I may ask for help with specific problem spots, but otherwise, future updates will have links only.
    Durrr, Raz, you're so dumb.

    I read the first chapter this weekend, enjoyed it, and will proceed to read the next two chapters at my earliest convenience. Then I'll give you my thoughts here in a clearly-marked spoiler. Deal?
    freedom in the flame

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    Quote Originally Posted by PhoeKun View Post
    Raz, you scoundrel! You planned this!
    Quote Originally Posted by BladeofObliviom View Post
    Great, and now I'm imagining what Raz's profile on a dating site would look like. "Must be okay with veils."
    Quote Originally Posted by Kasanip View Post
    I don't think there is such a time to have veils that it is not the fault of Raz_Fox.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dervag View Post
    It's a freaking Romulan dump truck. The Romulans are no more likely to build an unarmed warp-capable ship than they are to become a hippy commune.

  6. - Top - End - #1116
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Raz_Fox View Post
    I'm not sure whether I'm happy or happy right now, given that I just realized I have to re-write this entire chapter for the plot to work out the way it needs too. On the one hoof, no more frustrated rants to myself over why things aren't working - on the other hoof, I have to scrap everything I've written so far.
    Seeing that I rewritten my whole fic once already, I can certainly sympathise with this. (with the possibility of further rewrites. Not really satisfied on how it runs, but meh).
    Last edited by Grif; 2011-05-17 at 04:34 PM.

  7. - Top - End - #1117
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Raz_Fox View Post
    Durrr, Raz, you're so dumb.

    I read the first chapter this weekend, enjoyed it, and will proceed to read the next two chapters at my earliest convenience. Then I'll give you my thoughts here in a clearly-marked spoiler. Deal?
    Whenever you want to get around to it is fine. I don't want to make personal requests of anybody. My plea is directed to those who already have the time and inclination.

  8. - Top - End - #1118
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Raz_Fox View Post
    I'm not sure whether I'm happy or happy right now, given that I just realized I have to re-write this entire chapter for the plot to work out the way it needs too. On the one hoof, no more frustrated rants to myself over why things aren't working - on the other hoof, I have to scrap everything I've written so far.
    After chapter 5 of FFF, I DEFINITELY FEEL YOUR PAIN.
    My anime review podcast is coming back after a one year hiatus! www.fivepointpodcast.com

  9. - Top - End - #1119
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    This picture symbolises every pain I felt while writing.


  10. - Top - End - #1120
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Irbis View Post
    This. I vote we spoiler spoilers into 20 more spoilers, so that spoiler don't offend people about spoilered spoilers.

    But then, what to do about people offended about spoiler boxes...? :P.
    NO.
    We went over this, guys. No more that 8 spoiler boxes in a nest; anything more is ridiculous and causes browser trouble.

    Quote Originally Posted by darthbobcat View Post
    I like that picture. It always interests me when a member of the cast, as a human, is portrayed as something other that white. Like, in this case, it's the opposite of the normal expectation (light = white, dark = black). So they get points for good artwork and creativity in the presentation.
    Indeed. Makes sense, too. Celestia just doesn't come off as standard English speaking Caucasian, to me. Luna very much does, though.

  11. - Top - End - #1121
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    Really? Because all I hear is the standard range of American accents, nothing that presents itself as particularly race-oriented.

    Actually, now that I think of it, Celestia isn't that far off from The Friz, just that one's the reigning princess of a land of ponies and the other is a science teacher with the best bus ever.

  12. - Top - End - #1122
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Mando Knight View Post
    Really? Because all I hear is the standard range of American accents, nothing that presents itself as particularly race-oriented.

    Actually, now that I think of it, Celestia isn't that far off from The Friz, just that one's the reigning princess of a land of ponies and the other is a science teacher with the best bus ever.
    We need art of this 10 minutes ago.

  13. - Top - End - #1123
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Mando Knight View Post
    Actually, now that I think of it, Celestia isn't that far off from The Friz, just that one's the reigning princess of a land of ponies and the other is a science teacher with the best bus ever.
    Who?
    Above Us Only Sky


  14. - Top - End - #1124
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Irbis View Post
    Who?
    Mrs. Frizzle, the teacher on a show/book series called "The Magic School Bus."

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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Irbis View Post
    Who?
    The driver of the eponymous Magic School Bus, a children's book series that was adapted into a television program some time in the 90s. She was an eccentric elementary school teacher who would regularly take her class on field trips. The bus in question was a sapient being that could transform itself and its passengers into anything, so long as it was relevant to the current lesson. Thus, you have the children turning into bats and lizards to learn about zoology or the bus shrinking down to microscopic sizes to tour the inside of the human body.
    Quote Originally Posted by Winterwind View Post
    Mewtarthio, you have scared my brain into hiding, a trembling, broken shadow of a thing, cowering somewhere in the soothing darkness and singing nursery rhymes in the hope of obscuring the Lovecraftian facts you so boldly brought into daylight.

  16. - Top - End - #1126
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Kyuubi View Post
    Mrs. Frizzle, the teacher on a show/book series called "The Magic School Bus."
    Never heard of it.

    Though, pictures google returns for 'frizzle' sure are interesting
    Above Us Only Sky


  17. - Top - End - #1127
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Mando Knight View Post
    Really? Because all I hear is the standard range of American accents, nothing that presents itself as particularly race-oriented.

    Actually, now that I think of it, Celestia isn't that far off from The Friz, just that one's the reigning princess of a land of ponies and the other is a science teacher with the best bus ever.
    It's not in her speech. That's limited by VA. No, it is a matter of mannerisms and connotation (which seems to be my favorite word to throw around here, sorry for that). It's cemented by the fact that upon seeing a black Celestia, my response was "oh, well Duh."

    I would be more inclined to see her as Indian or middle eastern though. Celestia has a primalness about her that speaks of ascension beyond 'mere' ethnicity. Luna, on the other hoof, definitely does not. I find Celestia would enjoy equality but cannot find it, and also does not need it. Luna desperately craves equality, peers, to the point of it being a necessity for her spiritual health.

    Quote Originally Posted by Kyouhen View Post
    We need art of this 10 minutes ago.
    Yes, yes we do.


    EDIT: Hey Irbis!
    Last edited by SiuiS; 2011-05-17 at 07:12 PM.

  18. - Top - End - #1128
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Irbis View Post
    Never heard of it.

    Though, pictures google returns for 'frizzle' sure are interesting
    You poor poor soul. You missed out on one of the best educational shows of all time. (IMO)

  19. - Top - End - #1129
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by DeadManSleeping View Post

    I will take this opportunity to ask for reviews one last time. I really need them! Please, please, please give me feedback. The longer I go without it, the worse the fic will get. Do you want to be responsible for bad fanfiction? No? Good. Help me!
    Well, I feel wrong asking for reviews without providing something myself, so I had a look at part 1. Things in quotes are from the story, the rest is my commentary (it's mostly word choice, etc as I liked the fundamental ideas and style)

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    "happened to reside its intended recipient" - this sounds strange to me when I read it, maybe consider changing one of the 'r' words.

    "his outstanding performance at the Royal Academy earned him tutelage" - I think 'had earned' would be better

    "Perhaps gain more insight into their strange orbits, or why some shine more brightly than others." - this sentence is a fragment, I don't know if you intentionally wrote it as such

    Also in the last two paragraphs of page 2, Celestia's name appears a lot. You might consider replacing one or two instances with a synonym or description.

    "her tail of orange and yellow conjured images" - the word order seems out of keeping with the rest of the syntax in this paragraph

    In general, I think Flash Burn says 'Your Majesty' too frequently. I understand it's part of the character, but even so it might be good to tone it back a bit.

    "Celestia woke up with the feeling of moonset." - this is a confusing phrase; could you re-word it?

    "It took 10 minutes of brushing" - the numbers are kind of jarring; I would write out the word 'ten'

    "Luna, while I appreciate you holding court, but you're supposed to actually sit" - either the 'while' or the 'but' should be taken out

    "I know that's not much compared to how many ponies" - change 'much' to 'many'

    "The green pony kneeled in front" - I'd change 'kneeled' to 'knelt'

    "the farms in the province of Everfree are reporting in normal" - 'normal' to 'normally'

    "unusual clattering of armor was quickly followed by an unusually contended-looking" - consider removing an 'unusual'

    "Twilight's cart groaned seemingly in response." - I don't think 'seemingly' is really necessary, and the effect is better without it

    "A quiet throat-clearing from the throne quieted both of the ponies." - get rid of a 'quiet'

    "Just like that, Flash Burn took off, leaving a trail like a flame" - too many 'like's

    Ok, I think that's all the proof-reading stuff. I like the story so far, and I hope it helped.
    Last edited by the_druid_droid; 2011-05-17 at 07:07 PM.
    This Machine Surrounds Hate And Forces It To Surrender

    Quote Originally Posted by Anarion View Post
    DD, your unicorn is stronger, prettier, and higher-ranking than mine, and her secret lab has a better name than mine. THERE SHALL BE NO QUARTER.
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    Bleeeeh! Alfalfa Monster!


    Avatar by Aruius

  20. - Top - End - #1130
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by DeadManSleeping View Post
    Alright, everypony! I've finished part 3 of my fic. Goodness, it's shorter than the last 2 parts. Eh, I'll live. I've still got a lot more to go.

    An Old Mare's Tale
    Part 1
    Part 2
    Part 3

    FF.net links up in less than an hour.

    I will take this opportunity to ask for reviews one last time. I really need them! Please, please, please give me feedback. The longer I go without it, the worse the fic will get. Do you want to be responsible for bad fanfiction? No? Good. Help me!

    I will continue to post updates on the fic, but I will cease telling people that I need reviews. Anyone who cares has seen the message by this point, and doesn't need it repeated. Anyone who doesn't care is probably getting annoyed at seeing it. I may ask for help with specific problem spots, but otherwise, future updates will have links only.

    P.S. I changed the formatting to be a bit more compact. I hope this doesn't make it harder to read.
    For what's its worth, I liked it.

    Just some thoughts
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    - I would have thought Celestia and Luna would refer to each other as sisters (like in some of the fic do). Or maybe you can alternate the usage of their names and use of more familiar greetings.
    - I have no idea where the story is leading for the first chapter. Maybe it's intentional though.
    - "Twilight Sage"? Okay, I was abit perturbed when I saw Twilight as an OC pony instead. Didn't help he almost had the same studious, anti-social personality Twilight Sparkle had.
    - Loved the banter between Celestia and her advisors.


    I'll leave the corrections to the more experienced writers in this forum.

  21. - Top - End - #1131
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by DeadManSleeping View Post
    I will take this opportunity to ask for reviews one last time. I really need them! Please, please, please give me feedback. The longer I go without it, the worse the fic will get. Do you want to be responsible for bad fanfiction? No? Good. Help me!
    Time for the review of Part 2. To be honest, I don't have much to say, since it looks like you really hit your stride in this part. The scenes transition pretty well and the character interaction is fun. The whole thing also flows better than the first part in terms of sentence choice and style.

    Thumbs up!

    EDIT: I do have to admit that I'm not quite sure what we're building to just yet, but I think you mentioned that you envisioned it being a long series so that may be why.
    Last edited by the_druid_droid; 2011-05-17 at 07:48 PM.
    This Machine Surrounds Hate And Forces It To Surrender

    Quote Originally Posted by Anarion View Post
    DD, your unicorn is stronger, prettier, and higher-ranking than mine, and her secret lab has a better name than mine. THERE SHALL BE NO QUARTER.
    Ponythread Learns to Draw!

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    Bleeeeh! Alfalfa Monster!


    Avatar by Aruius

  22. - Top - End - #1132
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    Okay, so for An Old Mare's Tale.

    Part 1 Comments

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    While the phrase "Everfree Castle" tells us where the castle is, it doesn't make sense to me. It seems to me that Everfree would be something applied to it later, as living memory of the time before there was a fully natural forest there died out (hence, Forever Free Forest). I'd propose a castle name based on Luna's status as Moon Mistress. The first thing that comes to mind is the "Serene Castle." Royals like being called serene.

    "The enchanted walls carried its echo through even the highest towers, in one of which happened to reside its intended recipient." I'd rephrase this as "The enchanted walls carried its echo throughout the castle, even to the highest towers. In one such tower sat/stood its intended recipient."

    A thought occurs to me. Is Princess Luna her tiny pony sized self, or the size of Celestia? It's not especially germane to the plot, but I am curious.

    "Celestia’s face was far from its normal placid expression. She looked positively frazzled, in fact." Slightly awkward phrasing. "Celestia's normally placid expression was nowhere to be seen. Instead, she almost looked frazzled."

    I do like that Celestia here is portrayed as trying to make Luna feel better.

    "who ended up spending more time teaching him to be less of a shut-in than anything else." Boy, Celestia sure can pick 'em.

    Sage's fake monocle. YES.

    Hm. A question occurs to me. Aren't enchanted walls that carry words throughout the whole castle an opening for a constant roar of noise, or is it something that only Celestia and Luna can use?

    PINK mane. See, if you're basing their appearances on the storybook, you should make it clearer sooner. I've been picturing her with the rainbow hair the whole time.

    "Luna, while I appreciate you holding court, but you're supposed to actually sit on the throne when you do it," Delete the while or the but.

    I'm not sure how I feel about a sex spy pony getting so much screentime.



    Part 2 Comments

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    "Still, it was best not to endanger the civilians." "Still, she wasn’t out on a pleasure trip." Those Stills seem too close together. I'd replace on with a However.

    "run this glass shop now, but it used to belong to my dad." Given her sort of spacey and overly philosophical character, I'd have her use father instead.

    Also I really want to grab Shimmerdust by the shoulders and shake her. Twilight Sage/Flash Burn forever!

    Eeeeeyup, I hate Shimmerdust.

    Okay, Shimmerdust randomly singing when told to do what she normally did was funny.

    I must say, I wasn't expecting this much of OCs. Not that they're bad OCs. I rather like several of them. It's just not the "Luna and Celestia" character piece I was expecting.

    Yeah. If your goal was to make Shimmerdust an annoying space case, mission accomplished.

    “Or maybe I can make someone else cry.” I'd add a descriptor to that, like a determined look on her face or something.


    Part 3 Comments

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    our endeavor already has plenty support, and I'm sure that if you were to build in the lower quarter-" plenty of support



    General Thoughts:

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    The style definitely improved as I read through it. This isn't the sort of thing I'd normally read (being more into Original Flavor stories), but you've managed to create a well rounded original cast (aside from Shimmerdust, who I find severely annoying and I hope that Flash Burn gets her man). I'm curious to see where you go with this.
    My anime review podcast is coming back after a one year hiatus! www.fivepointpodcast.com

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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    And now for An Old Mare's Tale part 3.

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    Just like the second part, I enjoyed this section. The only complaint I have is that Flash Burn still says 'Your Majesty' too frequently for my taste, even if it is a personality thing.

    I'm curious to see where Part 4 will take us.

    EDIT: @Irbis - please clean out your PM box. It won't let me reply to you.
    Last edited by the_druid_droid; 2011-05-17 at 08:54 PM.
    This Machine Surrounds Hate And Forces It To Surrender

    Quote Originally Posted by Anarion View Post
    DD, your unicorn is stronger, prettier, and higher-ranking than mine, and her secret lab has a better name than mine. THERE SHALL BE NO QUARTER.
    Ponythread Learns to Draw!

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    Bleeeeh! Alfalfa Monster!


    Avatar by Aruius

  24. - Top - End - #1134
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by the_druid_droid View Post
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    "happened to reside its intended recipient" - this sounds strange to me when I read it, maybe consider changing one of the 'r' words.

    "his outstanding performance at the Royal Academy earned him tutelage" - I think 'had earned' would be better

    "Perhaps gain more insight into their strange orbits, or why some shine more brightly than others." - this sentence is a fragment, I don't know if you intentionally wrote it as such

    Also in the last two paragraphs of page 2, Celestia's name appears a lot. You might consider replacing one or two instances with a synonym or description.

    "her tail of orange and yellow conjured images" - the word order seems out of keeping with the rest of the syntax in this paragraph

    In general, I think Flash Burn says 'Your Majesty' too frequently. I understand it's part of the character, but even so it might be good to tone it back a bit.

    "Celestia woke up with the feeling of moonset." - this is a confusing phrase; could you re-word it?

    "It took 10 minutes of brushing" - the numbers are kind of jarring; I would write out the word 'ten'

    "Luna, while I appreciate you holding court, but you're supposed to actually sit" - either the 'while' or the 'but' should be taken out

    "I know that's not much compared to how many ponies" - change 'much' to 'many'

    "The green pony kneeled in front" - I'd change 'kneeled' to 'knelt'

    "the farms in the province of Everfree are reporting in normal" - 'normal' to 'normally'

    "unusual clattering of armor was quickly followed by an unusually contended-looking" - consider removing an 'unusual'

    "Twilight's cart groaned seemingly in response." - I don't think 'seemingly' is really necessary, and the effect is better without it

    "A quiet throat-clearing from the throne quieted both of the ponies." - get rid of a 'quiet'

    "Just like that, Flash Burn took off, leaving a trail like a flame" - too many 'like's
    Spoiler
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    I'll fix most of those. A couple are intentional. Thank you!


    Quote Originally Posted by Grif View Post
    Spoiler
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    - I would have thought Celestia and Luna would refer to each other as sisters (like in some of the fic do). Or maybe you can alternate the usage of their names and use of more familiar greetings.
    - I have no idea where the story is leading for the first chapter. Maybe it's intentional though.
    - "Twilight Sage"? Okay, I was abit perturbed when I saw Twilight as an OC pony instead. Didn't help he almost had the same studious, anti-social personality Twilight Sparkle had.
    - Loved the banter between Celestia and her advisors.
    Spoiler
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    It's a quirk of my idiolect, perhaps, but I have never heard anyone in real life in English refer to a sibling by their sibling title. I think that if I tried to put that in, it would end up inconsistent, which might be even worse. Sorry!

    I know Twilight Sage is kind of jarring because he's too similar to our Twilight. If I could go back in time and change his name, I would. But I can't fix him in my own head. Really, it even bothers me. Maybe I should just call him Sage. Adoy.

    Thanks for all the comments!


    Quote Originally Posted by darthbobcat View Post

    Part 1 Comments

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    While the phrase "Everfree Castle" tells us where the castle is, it doesn't make sense to me. It seems to me that Everfree would be something applied to it later, as living memory of the time before there was a fully natural forest there died out (hence, Forever Free Forest). I'd propose a castle name based on Luna's status as Moon Mistress. The first thing that comes to mind is the "Serene Castle." Royals like being called serene.

    "The enchanted walls carried its echo through even the highest towers, in one of which happened to reside its intended recipient." I'd rephrase this as "The enchanted walls carried its echo throughout the castle, even to the highest towers. In one such tower sat/stood its intended recipient."

    A thought occurs to me. Is Princess Luna her tiny pony sized self, or the size of Celestia? It's not especially germane to the plot, but I am curious.

    "Celestia’s face was far from its normal placid expression. She looked positively frazzled, in fact." Slightly awkward phrasing. "Celestia's normally placid expression was nowhere to be seen. Instead, she almost looked frazzled."

    I do like that Celestia here is portrayed as trying to make Luna feel better.

    "who ended up spending more time teaching him to be less of a shut-in than anything else." Boy, Celestia sure can pick 'em.

    Sage's fake monocle. YES.

    Hm. A question occurs to me. Aren't enchanted walls that carry words throughout the whole castle an opening for a constant roar of noise, or is it something that only Celestia and Luna can use?

    PINK mane. See, if you're basing their appearances on the storybook, you should make it clearer sooner. I've been picturing her with the rainbow hair the whole time.

    "Luna, while I appreciate you holding court, but you're supposed to actually sit on the throne when you do it," Delete the while or the but.

    I'm not sure how I feel about a sex spy pony getting so much screentime.



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    "Still, it was best not to endanger the civilians." "Still, she wasn’t out on a pleasure trip." Those Stills seem too close together. I'd replace on with a However.

    "run this glass shop now, but it used to belong to my dad." Given her sort of spacey and overly philosophical character, I'd have her use father instead.

    Also I really want to grab Shimmerdust by the shoulders and shake her. Twilight Sage/Flash Burn forever!

    Eeeeeyup, I hate Shimmerdust.

    Okay, Shimmerdust randomly singing when told to do what she normally did was funny.

    I must say, I wasn't expecting this much of OCs. Not that they're bad OCs. I rather like several of them. It's just not the "Luna and Celestia" character piece I was expecting.

    Yeah. If your goal was to make Shimmerdust an annoying space case, mission accomplished.

    “Or maybe I can make someone else cry.” I'd add a descriptor to that, like a determined look on her face or something.


    Part 3 Comments

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    our endeavor already has plenty support, and I'm sure that if you were to build in the lower quarter-" plenty of support



    General Thoughts:

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    The style definitely improved as I read through it. This isn't the sort of thing I'd normally read (being more into Original Flavor stories), but you've managed to create a well rounded original cast (aside from Shimmerdust, who I find severely annoying and I hope that Flash Burn gets her man). I'm curious to see where you go with this.
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    So...much...comment.

    Perhaps the city has a reason for being named Everfree? I dunno. I just thought the familiar name would help readers associate the fic with the setting better. From an anthropological (okay, bad word, but the closest I have) point of view, your idea is much more likely. But I want readers to remember exactly where this is at all times.

    Celestia is currently the same size that non-evil Luna was. Luna is maybe a tiny bit smaller, but the difference is much less drastic. And, yes, Celestia is purely pink-maned. I should include that earlier.

    When you use magic, and you're a freaking goddess, you can make it work the way you want it to, not the way logic says it would. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it. Okay, really, the walls are enchanted, but you gotta use the enchantment on purpose. Back when it was a military castle, that would be a REALLY REALLY useful enchantment. Now it's just kinda nice.

    Morning Glory isn't supposed to be a sex spy. Sex is just part of her repertoire (and her best method for castle entry). She's a social spy, and does all that entails. I'll try to give her less sexy social work in the future. "Backroom politics" is really the area of her work. Dirty? Yes. Sex? Not always. Lots of backstabbing and blackmailing and double-dealing and stuff.

    The fic is going to be a lot about Celestia (more her than any one OC pony), but the OC ponies are all important for a reason that will become obvious in...I'm gonna say 3 chapters. It might be 4, but I'll try to keep it to 3 so people don't have to spend as much time wondering "why am I reading this?". I promise, it'll make sense!

    I'm sorry that you hate Shimmerdust, but the way you described her is indeed how she is currently intended to be portrayed. Total freaking space-case. Also, her affectionate word choice when speaking of her family is intentional. And, yes, other ponies will treat her out-of-touchness as annoying, because to most ponies, it really can be wearying (especially when they're trying to do something important). I imagine she will get shaken by somepony during this story. Maybe even more than once. Celestia help me, though, I have too much fun writing her to even think about marginalizing her. As for Twilight Sage's romantic future...you'll have to wait and see.

  25. - Top - End - #1135
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeadManSleeping View Post
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    I'll fix most of those. A couple are intentional. Thank you!




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    It's a quirk of my idiolect, perhaps, but I have never heard anyone in real life in English refer to a sibling by their sibling title. I think that if I tried to put that in, it would end up inconsistent, which might be even worse. Sorry!

    I know Twilight Sage is kind of jarring because he's too similar to our Twilight. If I could go back in time and change his name, I would. But I can't fix him in my own head. Really, it even bothers me. Maybe I should just call him Sage. Adoy.

    Thanks for all the comments!




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    So...much...comment.

    Perhaps the city has a reason for being named Everfree? I dunno. I just thought the familiar name would help readers associate the fic with the setting better. From an anthropological (okay, bad word, but the closest I have) point of view, your idea is much more likely. But I want readers to remember exactly where this is at all times.

    Celestia is currently the same size that non-evil Luna was. Luna is maybe a tiny bit smaller, but the difference is much less drastic. And, yes, Celestia is purely pink-maned. I should include that earlier.

    When you use magic, and you're a freaking goddess, you can make it work the way you want it to, not the way logic says it would. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it. Okay, really, the walls are enchanted, but you gotta use the enchantment on purpose. Back when it was a military castle, that would be a REALLY REALLY useful enchantment. Now it's just kinda nice.

    Morning Glory isn't supposed to be a sex spy. Sex is just part of her repertoire (and her best method for castle entry). She's a social spy, and does all that entails. I'll try to give her less sexy social work in the future. "Backroom politics" is really the area of her work. Dirty? Yes. Sex? Not always. Lots of backstabbing and blackmailing and double-dealing and stuff.

    The fic is going to be a lot about Celestia (more her than any one OC pony), but the OC ponies are all important for a reason that will become obvious in...I'm gonna say 3 chapters. It might be 4, but I'll try to keep it to 3 so people don't have to spend as much time wondering "why am I reading this?". I promise, it'll make sense!

    I'm sorry that you hate Shimmerdust, but the way you described her is indeed how she is currently intended to be portrayed. Total freaking space-case. Also, her affectionate word choice when speaking of her family is intentional. And, yes, other ponies will treat her out-of-touchness as annoying, because to most ponies, it really can be wearying (especially when they're trying to do something important). I imagine she will get shaken by somepony during this story. Maybe even more than once. Celestia help me, though, I have too much fun writing her to even think about marginalizing her. As for Twilight Sage's romantic future...you'll have to wait and see.
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    Yeah, I figured. I wasn't saying drop Shimmerdust. Just letting you know that at least one member of the audience finds her annoying. Adjust her or don't according to your whims and the plot.

    I'd find her less annoying without some of the pseudo-philosophical mumbo jumbo she was using to answer questions (do any of us really find ourselves?). She was better when she was asking if the books were reproducing and just randomly singing songs as if nopony else was there.

    Also, as far as Morning Glory, let me paraphrase something from How Not To Write A Novel (a book I heartily endorse). When you introduce a character, you only get one chance to make a first impression. A character who does drugs in their first appearance is going to be "that druggy" to the audience and it will take a lot of effort to get them over that impression. If they fart in their first appearance, the audience is going to think of them as that farty person.

    In her first appearance, Morning Glory made many allusions to political sex, an encounter with a senator or noble's daughter, talked about seducing her way past a guard and then did the same thing to Flash, in full view of Princess Celestia (somepony I'd assume you'd be on your best behavior for). I also found out later that she works at a restaurant that used to be a brothel. It will take a lot more encounters for my subjective impression of her to change to something other than "that sex pony." Just something to consider.
    Last edited by darthbobcat; 2011-05-17 at 09:35 PM.
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  26. - Top - End - #1136
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by darthbobcat View Post
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    Yeah, I figured. I wasn't saying drop Shimmerdust. Just letting you know that at least one member of the audience finds her annoying. Adjust her or don't according to your whims and the plot.

    I'd find her less annoying without some of the pseudo-philosophical mumbo jumbo she was using to answer questions (do any of us really find ourselves?). She was better when she was asking if the books were reproducing and just randomly singing songs as if nopony else was there.

    Also, as far as Morning Glory, let me paraphrase something from How Not To Write A Novel (a book I heartily endorse). When you introduce a character, you only get one chance to make a first impression. A character who does drugs in their first appearance is going to be "that druggy" to the audience and it will take a lot of effort to get them over that impression.

    In her first appearance, Morning Glory made many allusions to political sex, an encounter with a senator or noble's daughter, talked about sexing her way past a guard and then did the same thing to Flash. I also found out later that she works at a restaurant that used to be a brothel. It will take a lot more encounters for my subjective impression of her to change to something other than "that sex pony." Just something to consider.
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    To be fair, that's just her thinking aloud, not trying to sound smart. Shimmerdust's head is not a safe place to be, and unfortunately, she projects it to the world around her with her mouth. I'll try and have her do more of the "funny" thing than the "1st-year-philosophy-student" thing, but she's gotta do it occasionally. Her not-making-sense isn't supposed to be deep (not that she isn't deep, just not along the dimension of abstract philosophy), it's supposed to be of the "why are you even thinking that" variety. So, it may annoy you, but from your reaction, I know I'm portraying her quite perfectly.

    Upon further thought, I have realized that Morning Glory's first impression serves my purposes, despite the fact that it is not exactly accurate. You may continue to think of her that way in your head. Honestly, the story will probably be more sensical that way (I mean, the other ponies kind of treat her that way too).

    I'm kind of glad to hear people pointing out the character flaws of the ponies, because they're supposed to be there. They really are flawed ponies who are going to have to slog through personal problems of their own making if they want to have their life go well.

  27. - Top - End - #1137
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by DeadManSleeping View Post
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    To be fair, that's just her thinking aloud, not trying to sound smart. Shimmerdust's head is not a safe place to be, and unfortunately, she projects it to the world around her with her mouth. I'll try and have her do more of the "funny" thing than the "1st-year-philosophy-student" thing, but she's gotta do it occasionally. Her not-making-sense isn't supposed to be deep (not that she isn't deep, just not along the dimension of abstract philosophy), it's supposed to be of the "why are you even thinking that" variety. So, it may annoy you, but from your reaction, I know I'm portraying her quite perfectly.

    Upon further thought, I have realized that Morning Glory's first impression serves my purposes, despite the fact that it is not exactly accurate. You may continue to think of her that way in your head. Honestly, the story will probably be more sensical that way (I mean, the other ponies kind of treat her that way too).

    I'm kind of glad to hear people pointing out the character flaws of the ponies, because they're supposed to be there. They really are flawed ponies who are going to have to slog through personal problems of their own making if they want to have their life go well.
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    Alright then. I wasn't really accusing her of trying to sound smart, just saying that that's how she came across, even while I grasped the character. She's a lot like... blonde... ditz... character... whose name I forget from Friends.

    Also as far as Morning Glory being That Sex Pony, part of the reason I brought it up is... well... based on a kid's show. Not saying you should censor yourself on account of that. Just saying, it's really unexpected.

    Glad you have a plan. I did enjoy myself (far more than I expected to). As long as the annoyances and oddities I uncovered serve a purpose, full steam ahead.
    Last edited by darthbobcat; 2011-05-17 at 09:50 PM.
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  28. - Top - End - #1138
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Kyouhen View Post
    Hmmm, interesting theory. But we do still know she was capable of putting Luna on the moon in the first place. So she's still pretty powerful.

    ...Unless the years of trolling left her unable to use the elements of harmony. Then she's got a few problems. Which would probably explain why she didn't just banish Luna again.
    If you re-watch the start of the first episode, you'll note that Celestia had to use the Elements of Harmony to banish Nightmare Moon/Luna to the moon - the Elements being the most powerful artifacts known to ponykind (at the time of the writing of the book that Twilight Sparkle is reading).

    I have a fanfic regarding the banishing sloshing around in my brain that I'd really like to write; but whenever I have the energy to write, I lack the time; and whenever I have the time, I lack the energy.

  29. - Top - End - #1139
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    I don't know if this has been posted yet, but it deserves a daggum repost if it has. Glorious Friendship Musics. Maybe spoilers?

    Seriously, if this does not warm your soul, it proves one of two things:

    1) Not your type of music? I guess I can give you that.

    2) You have no soul, and are probably some sort of otherworldly abomination set on the destruction of all that is good and pure. If so, may I ask a favor first? Just watch this video again and ask yourself, "Is all that is good and pure really all that bad?" Thank you.
    Last edited by TheAmishPirate; 2011-05-17 at 09:57 PM.
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  30. - Top - End - #1140
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    Default Re: My Little Pony VII: The Grand Galloping Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by darthbobcat View Post
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    Alright then. I wasn't really accusing her of trying to sound smart, just saying that that's how she came across, even while I grasped the character. She's a lot like... blonde... ditz... character... whose name I forget from Friends.

    Also as far as Morning Glory being That Sex Pony, part of the reason I brought it up is... well... based on a kid's show. Not saying you should censor yourself on account of that. Just saying, it's really unexpected.

    Glad you have a plan. I did enjoy myself (far more than I expected to). As long as the annoyances and oddities I uncovered serve a purpose, full steam ahead.
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    I must say, I rather enjoy Morning Glory being That Sex Pony. It makes me uncomfortable to think about her underhoof dealings juxtaposed against an otherwise "sunshine and rainbows" sort of world. Less in an "Ew, really?" sort of way than in a "Hmm, I suppose such tactics would work in Equestria as well..." sort of way.

    Plus, if I understood her background correctly, she really clawed her way up from nothing to insert her earth-pony self into a rather-segregated, classist society where the (primarily unicorn?) nobles do their best to keep the lower classes under their hooves. It's ... gratifying, I suppose I would say.

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