Things I May No Longer Do While Playing II: Stop Making The DM Cry

[Corw1n]

671. I may not buy epicac in any setting for any reason. Ever.
672. I may not play a Dread Necromancer disquised as a Cleric of Wee Jas, in a party with a Cleric of Pelor who is optimized for healing and undead killing. Especially if I become his best friend.

[Lord Raziere]

662. Actually I may, if my first idea was a kender.
663. However if it was a kender gunslinger I'll be forced to eat my books, all of them.

673. I am not allowed to play anything EXCEPT a kender.

[dsmiles]

674. Science!

[Flame of Anor]

Guys! Numbers are off again! 663 was doubled. dsmiles's was 675.

671. I may not buy epicac in any setting for any reason. Ever.

Is that like ipecac but over 20th level?

[Bobby Archer]

Is that like ipecac but over 20th level?

676. My rights to anything even nominally epic are officially revoked.

[Corw1n]

Yeah, the spell check and I aren't on speaking terms right now.

Also...

677. I may not play a Tibbet
677a. Especially a psion tibbet
677b. that speciallizes in electricity
677c. and is yellow....

[Ksheep]

678. Not allowed to play an Illumian Cancer Mage with the Aeshkrau sigel that is infected with Festering Anger.

[Axinian]

679. I may no longer try to up-stage the BBEG by coming up with and executing a better evil plan, even if it does technically save the world from his.

[Welknair]

680. I cannot make a Will Save to disbelieve the Fourth Wall.

[Morithias]

680. I cannot make a Will Save to disbelieve the Fourth Wall.

681. A "self-aware PC" pleasure golem, is not allowed to be played.

[Marillion]

682: "Them's fightin' words" is not an appropriate response to the bartender asking you to pay your tab.

[Morithias]

682: "Them's fightin' words" is not an appropriate response to the bartender asking you to pay your tab.

683. Nor is a longsword to his neck. You saw the kind of money you have to spend to open a traven, he's at least a level 8 NPC.

[lerg2]

684: The verbal component to finger of death is NOT 'Avada Kedavra'
684a: Nor is it the verbal component to 'Power Word Kill'
684b: That is it! No more Harry Potter before a game session!

[Axinian]

685. There is no such creature as an "internet troll" and even if there was, Polymorphing into one does not give me superhuman annoyance powers.

[Xanmyral]

685. There is no such creature as an "internet troll" and even if there was, Polymorphing into one does not give me superhuman annoyance powers.

685a: Or the ability to summon a horde of shadows.

[Ksheep]

686. Slenderman is NOT a race.
686a. Nor is Slenderman a class.
686b. Slenderman can NOT be my deity.
687. The above holds true for Pedobear as well.

[riccaru]

686. Slenderman is NOT a race.
686a. Nor is Slenderman a class.
686b. Slenderman can NOT be my deity.
687. The above holds true for Pedobear as well.

He'd fit right in at Call of Cthulhu though...

688. Never allowed to make puns, IC or OOC.

[Antonok]

689: Trying to buy the Necronomican from the High Church of Pelor will get you smited.

690: So will trying to steal it.

691: No, a unleashing a Sphere of Annihilation inside the Church the Pelor will not get you the Necronomican either.

692: Trying to use said Sphere of Annihilation on Pelor himself also will not get you the book.

693: Screw it, there is no Necronomican.

694: No, I cannot create a Dread Necromancer who invents the Necromonican.

692: I am no longer allowed to even think of the word Necronomican else I suffer many smitings with the BoED.

[Morithias]

689: Trying to buy the Necronomican from the High Church of Pelor will get you smited.

690: So will trying to steal it.

691: No, a unleashing a Sphere of Annihilation inside the Church the Pelor will not get you the Necronomican either.

692: Trying to use said Sphere of Annihilation on Pelor himself also will not get you the book.

693: Screw it, there is no Necronomican.

694: No, I cannot create a Dread Necromancer who invents the Necromonican.

692: I am no longer allowed to even think of the word Necronomican else I suffer many smitings with the BoED.

693: Beer is not considered "An exalted drink" regardless how alcohol is used in religion in the real world.

[Ksheep]

693: Beer is not considered "An exalted drink" regardless how alcohol is used in religion in the real world.

694. Dwarven holy water is NOT mead.
694a. Nor is it beer, ale, stout, or any sort of liquor.
694b. Just because I left wine off that list does NOT mean that wine is dwarven holy water (when was the last time you heard of a dwarf drinking wine?)
694c. Wine is NOT Elven holy water either.

EDIT: 694 Exemption. Ignore rule 694 if your character is named Bruenor Battlehammer.

[Bobby Archer]

694. Dwarven holy water is NOT mead.
694a. Nor is it beer, ale, stout, or any sort of liquor.
694b. Just because I left wine off that list does NOT mean that wine is dwarven holy water (when was the last time you heard of a dwarf drinking wine?)
694c. Wine is NOT Elven holy water either.

694d. "Used" alcohol is also not dwarven holy water, no matter how "purified" it is.

[Rockphed]

694. Dwarven holy water is NOT mead.
694a. Nor is it beer, ale, stout, or any sort of liquor.
694b. Just because I left wine off that list does NOT mean that wine is dwarven holy water (when was the last time you heard of a dwarf drinking wine?)
694c. Wine is NOT Elven holy water either.

EDIT: 694 Exemption. Ignore rule 694 if your character is named Bruenor Battlehammer.

694e: Magma, however, does fit most definitions of dwarven holy water.

[Kojiro]

695. Dropping my pants does not give me a bonus to Intimidate checks.
695a. No, the natural 20 does not imply anything, size-related or otherwise.
695b. A natural 1, however, implies all the jokes earned as a result. Even if the campaign doesn't have skill checks auto-fail on a 1.

[Aneurin]

696 I may not decide that Fireball is a viable alternative to the Knock spell for opening doors. Or to doorknobs, for that matter.
697 I may not decide Dominate Person is a viable alternative to a trap-finding character.
698 I may not decide a combination of Fireball and Dominate Person is a viable alternative to a Rogue.
699 When I inevitably ignore the above rules, I may not "forget" that the rogue is stood in front of the door I'm opening. They will (probably) survive and be somewhat upset with me. Goddamn Evasion.

[NikitaDarkstar]

696 I may not decide that Fireball is a viable alternative to the Knock spell for opening doors. Or to doorknobs, for that matter.

Of course not, everyone knows Earth Reaver is the Knock alternative, Fireball is to counter Darkness silly. :p

700. Correction, Fireball is only good to counter Darkness once. A more traditional method is required after that.

701. I may not use Fireball to remove natural cover such as bushes, tall grass or patches of forest. It upsets the druid.

702. Especially if I only think I heard something move in them.

703. Goes double if the scout says I'm imagining things.

704. Speaking of druids, I may not use Animate Dead in front of her either. No matter how good of a meatshield/mount that giant, multi-legged corpse would make. It upsets her.

705. I should not be surprised if the druid finally gets fed up with my disregard for nature and the natural order and mauls me.

706. I may not forget that druids are far more terrifying than wizards up close and personal.

[LrdoftheRngs]

Not sure if this was already posted, but here goes

707. I am not allowed to play a warforged with an absurd amount of INT-boosting items and feats, then pump knowledge skills to know almost everything.
707a. Said warforged is NOT named Data

[Mixt]

708: "I eat it" is not the appropriate response to every problem you come across.

708a: Nor is "I sit on it"

708b: That's it, you don't get to play a dragon anymore.

708c: You don't get to play a Nimmy either.

[DJ_Lycos]

708c. Nor is "I'm gunna hump it."

709. You Got The Touch by Stan Bush does not give the Paladin a moral bonus to Lay on Hands.

710. Nor am I allowed to sing When I Think About You I Touch Myself with my paladin while using Lay On Hands to heal myself.

711. In a zombie campiagn it is not acceptable for the entire group to play The Zombie Game (ie. Vegetarian Zombie Graaaains, Conductor Zombie Traaaains, etc.)

712. Just because I play a rogue/ranger with VoP and the flaw cleptomanic does not make me Robin Hood.

713. I will control myself and not take VoP and try to obtain the Saint template. Thats just wrong.

714. As an artificer my solution to everything cannot be "Science"

714a. Nor can my excuse for anything I do be "For Science!"

714b. Nor should I view every other party memeber as "Potential Test Subjects."

715. I should probably not be allowed to play an artificer ever again.

[Welknair]

Of course not, everyone knows Earth Reaver is the Knock alternative, Fireball is to counter Darkness silly. :p

I thought you used Magic Missile on the darkness...

[Kojiro]

716. I may not attempt to resolve all problems through a drinking contest, then use Iron Heart Surge to rid myself of intoxication if I start losing.
716a. I may not challenge anyone to a drinking contest as a Warforged, Warblade or otherwise, period.

(As a DM, personally, I would totally allow both of those.)