Things I May No Longer Do While Playing II: Stop Making The DM Cry

[Reltzik]

717: Tree Feather Tokens are not intended for use in confined spaces.
717a: Nor for throwing at the feet of enemies.
717b: Violating both at the same time does not fall under the rule of "a double negative makes a positive".

718: Disintegrate is a combat spell. It is not meant for the construction of dungeon features like doors, the deconstruction of dungeon features like floors, or the destruction of the entire dungeon through targeted application to load-bearing features.
718a: The same rule applies to fire spells, acid spells, non-magical fire and acid, or anything that requires the DM to modify the walls of his master map.

719: Am no longer allowed sense motive checks against the quest giver when the plot requires us not to see through his evil machinations at our first meeting.

720: Diplomacy and Bluff ranks capable of making mortal enemies into bosom friends and willing and/or unwitting servants with two sentences will be nerfed for the good of the DM's sanity.

721: May not employ small children as ranged weapons.
721a: Nor as melee weapons.
721b: Nor as ammunition for siege weapons.
721c: The same applies to gnomes, halflings, dwarves, and titans. Even though you DID figure out a way to do that last one.

722: No longer allowed to cast Resurrection on dragonscale equipment.
722a: ESPECIALLY not after identifying the dragon breed in question as lawful and using Speak With Dead to work out terms of indebtured servitude in advance.

723: A fake crank-operated six-barreled tripod gun so large that I barely have the strength to YOINK out of my bag of holding no longer grants me a circumstance bonus to Intimidate.
723b: Not even if my next character's a tinker gnome.

724: It doesn't matter if I have the item-creation feats and spells for it, you I'm NOT allowed to make a Portal Gun.
724b: Because the DM knows how I would use it, that's why.

725: Self-destruct mechanisms will henceforth not be referred to as Kender Traps.

726: I am no longer allowed to create characters that habitually mumble when they should speak clearly.
726b: That goes double for trapmakers, trapfinders, or anyone with full ranks in listen/spot.

727: A ten foot pole is not a viable shillelagh-quarterstaff for a druid wildshaped into dire ape form. Especially not when gestalted as a dualwielding ranger.
727b: Or a monk.
727c: Or a fighter.
727d: Actually, I'm not allowed to carry ANY equipment around that is specifically reserved for use while wild-shaped.

728: Tripping a 30ft tall monster, impressive though that was, does NOT cause it to suffer falling damage.

[Ksheep]

729. Dærn's Instant Fortress is NOT a siege weapon.
729a. Nor can it be used to wall up a dungeon corridor.
729b. Dærn's Instant Fortress is never allowed underground again.
729c. Dærn's Instant Fortress is never allowed, PERIOD.

730. Never allowed to purchase dust of dryness and a folding boat at the same time again.
730a. Never allowed to purchase dust of dryness and a folding boat ever again.

731. Just because Urban Druid can have an animated object as it's companion does NOT mean that I can have said companion be a carpet of flying.
731a. ESPECIALLY if I say that I get it for free because of the wording of the class.

[OracleofWuffing]

732. I may no longer accuse the plot hook NPC of being the BBEG.
732a. I may no longer explain the line of reasoning leading to my conclusion that said plot hook NPC is the BBEG.
732b. The rest of the party is not to confirm said reasoning.

[NikitaDarkstar]

I thought you used Magic Missile on the darkness...

Years of experimenting has proved that Fireball is more effective. Not only does it get all of the Darkness at once, it also gets anything lurking in it. Sadly that's sometimes considered "reckless" or "overkill". :/

[riccaru]

Years of experimenting has proved that Fireball is more effective. Not only does it get all of the Darkness at once, it also gets anything lurking in it. Sadly that's sometimes considered "reckless" or "overkill". :/

Doubly so if it isn't magical darkness and all the orphans are sleeping.

[Reltzik]

Forgot this one. Vetoed by my own common sense.

733: Even if the DM's homebrew system allows it, I'm no longer allowed to take three flavors of "suicidal impulse" flaws in order to gain the character points to include a nuclear warhead in my starting equipment.

[Xanmyral]

734: No, that orphanage didn't threaten, taunt, ask, plead, or say/do anything that would endear me to burn it.
734a: I'm not allowed insanity flaws for this purpose.
735: I'm not allowed insanity flaws. For any reason.

[NikitaDarkstar]

734b. I'm not allowed to convince the rogue that it did and make him stealthily stab everyone in their sleep either.
734c. I don't have enough gold to convince the assassin to do it.

736. 'Groin' is no longer a valid part of the body for Called shots.
737. Hidden knee blades should not be used while ramming my knee into someones groin either for that matter.
738. Acid bottles are not supposed to be aimed at my enemies face in an attempt to blind them.
739. This goes double for Alchemist's fire.
740. I'm not allowed to throw caltrops into the mouth of an enemy either, even if they have a big enough mouth to justify it.
741. Aiming thunderstones at the spellcasters ear is considered poor taste.
742. Ditto with ramming a sunrod into a vampires eye.
743. Any attacks that makes my DM wince in sympathy with the NPC's before damage is even rolled is now off-limits.
744. If the place has a nice, big door on the bottom floor I could at least consider using it from time to time.

And yes I've done all of the above at least once. ^^;

[Bobby Archer]

Years of experimenting has proved that Fireball is more effective. Not only does it get all of the Darkness at once, it also gets anything lurking in it. Sadly that's sometimes considered "reckless" or "overkill". :/

There is no overkill, there is only "open fire" and "I need to reload."

745. I may no longer refer to the followers other members of the party gather as "worthless mortals." After all, selling people into slavery is a valid and lucrative occupation.

[Darthteej]

746. Just because she's my best friend's girlfriend does NOT mean she gets to be a goliath barbarian with Power Attack, Improved Bull Rush, Leap Attack, and Shock Trooper.

747:You cannot afford a Boeing 747.

748:I don't care what Gary Gygax, J.R.R. Tolkien, or R.A. Salvatore said about the matter, an elven ranger who wages a campaign of genocide against Orkind is at the deepest pits of the alignment chart.

[tordirycgoyust]

There is no overkill, there is only "open fire" and "I need to reload."

749. I may no longer consult "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Pirates".

[hamishspence]

748:I don't care what Gary Gygax, J.R.R. Tolkien, or R.A. Salvatore said about the matter, an elven ranger who wages a campaign of genocide against Orkind is at the deepest pits of the alignment chart.

Tolkien and Salvatore both wrote things supporting the notion that even orcs fall "within the rules"- and should be treated with the same respect for their rights that other races should.

So- those two arguably do support this one.

[turkishproverb]

There's a great scene somewhere in LOTR that actually has a couple Orcs discussing the fact they don't think the other races would ever accept them/feeling they have to fight them because of it, and what they hope to do after the war (go off into the mountains with a few of the boys and be left alone).

[Welknair]

750. I may not reference the Evil Overlord Rules when constructing my fortress.

[NikitaDarkstar]

750. I may not reference the Evil Overlord Rules when constructing my fortress.

If I'm building a fortress I will find a way around rule 750 no matter what.

751. However I will not indulge in Indiana Jones style traps, they're big, bulky, expensive, overdone and utterly predictable. I'll find something more elegant and far deadlier.

[ScionoftheVoid]

751. However I will not indulge in Indiana Jones style traps, they're big, bulky, expensive, overdone and utterly predictable. I'll find something more elegant and far deadlier.

Exception to 751: Using the flashy, Indiana Jones style traps to better conceal the actually deadly traps.

[DJ_Lycos]

752. If I laugh maniacally for more than 5 minutes when I get a character idea I should think twice before unleashing it on the DM's world. (Unless the DM has it coming)

753. If I get a character idea then shutter at the thought of what it might do to the DM's world I should think twice about playing it. (Unles the DM has it coming)

754. Going into a 30 min scientific rants/monologs while speaking it character about how mages are lazy is more than likely not a good idea when most of the party are mages. They tend to be a little on the sensitive side.

[Axinian]

755. Opening all the planar portals I can just to see what would happen is expressly forbidden, as is closing such a portal when the arriving creature is only halfway through.

[DJ_Lycos]

756. If me and a friend makes psionic bards with preform (turntable) and flashing helmets we deserve what ever the DM does to us.

[Darthteej]

757. Putting 'AC-130' on my character sheet, either as an item or value, is now expressly banned.

758. The ability to perform the function of an entire party with a single character is generally frowned upon.

759. No longer allowed to level castles with an inexpensive weapon and a core feat.

760.Leadership is a privilege, not a right.

[byaku rai]

759. No longer allowed to level castles with an inexpensive weapon and a core feat.

What is this? I MUST KNOW!!!!

761. Just because my character/animal companion/familiar/cohort/associated character has tentacles, doesn't mean the campaign must become hentai.

[Hiro Protagonest]

What is this? I MUST KNOW!!!!

Greatclub and improved sunder comes to mind.

[Velaryon]

762. Not allowed to stuff Immovable Rods up the dragon's nostrils and activate them.

763. Not allowed to call the Oozemaster commanding the gelatinous cubes "Bill Cosby."

[Darthteej]

What is this? I MUST KNOW!!!!

Power Attack+Admantitine weapon(okay, so it's relatively inexpensive). I drove my first DM up the wall with creative uses of this combo. Destructive Rage and/or Improved Sunder make it even better.

[Hiro Protagonest]

Power Attack+Admantitine weapon(okay, so it's relatively inexpensive). I drove my first DM up the wall with creative uses of this combo. Destructive Rage and/or Improved Sunder make it even better.

Adamantine doesn't count as inexpensive. Not even if they're high level with full WBL.

[Daftendirekt]

756. If me and a friend makes psionic bards with preform (turntable) and flashing helmets we deserve what ever the DM does to us.

Must. Make. Daft Punk. In DnD.

[byaku rai]

Power Attack+Admantitine weapon(okay, so it's relatively inexpensive). I drove my first DM up the wall with creative uses of this combo. Destructive Rage and/or Improved Sunder make it even better.

Oh... That's disappointing... Sure you could get through a wall... In about a week of power attacking /every turn/. Silly me, I thought it was a one-shot thing.

[riccaru]

Oh... That's disappointing... Sure you could get through a wall... In about a week of power attacking /every turn/. Silly me, I thought it was a one-shot thing.

Glass catapult ammo with acid inside. Also works on soft targets.

[Ksheep]

Oh... That's disappointing... Sure you could get through a wall... In about a week of power attacking /every turn/. Silly me, I thought it was a one-shot thing.

Or, as hinted at earlier, Daern's Instant Fortress. Dig under the wall, activate the Instant Fortress, 30' tall adamantine ram shoots up through the wall. Then you deactivate it. No more wall.

[Darthteej]

Or, as hinted at earlier, Daern's Instant Fortress. Dig under the wall, activate the Instant Fortress, 30' tall adamantine ram shoots up through the wall. Then you deactivate it. No more wall.

I always thought 757 was my funniest one in that post, anyway.

764.Don't use Bluff checks if you have no ranks in the skill. At all. Ever.