Things I May No Longer Do While Playing II: Stop Making The DM Cry

[Janus]

They use Smite Evil on their partners?

I didn't think paladins were into that.

134. I will not knock a foreign prisoner unconscious, magically disguise myself as a member of his race, then insist he speak Common because we've been "kidnapped by rogue members" of his race.
^^And yes, that one is a true story.

[Raimun]

135. Not allowed to have a Kraken as a character.

[Welknair]

136. I may not play a Thri-Kreen quad-weidling pygmy Thri-Kreens each dual wielding double swords of speed.

Edit: I got seriously swordsage'd there. Fixed.

[Ksheep]

137. May not hire a bunch of towns worth of commoners to worship a simple +1 light mace so that it can get divine ranks.

EDIT: Fixed numbering… again.

[Frozen_Feet]

They use Smite Evil on their partners?

Yes, because someone has been naughty, and needs to be, ah, punished.

138: May not commit wanton piracy before informing the 80+ sailors I hired for my crew what, exactly, they're in for.

[Mixt]

139: I may not proposition the dragon for sex, especially if it's the BBEG.

140: I may not use an army made exclusively of dragons and half-dragons to take over the world.

141: I may not sexually harass the dragon after defeating it.

142: I may not wear a shirt saying "People like me are the reason Half-dragons exist"

143: I may not tell Tiamat that i have the hots for her, doing so will result in horrible death.

144: I may not help the dragon kill my fellow party members.

[Welknair]

145. No eating a raw dragon in front of a ten-year-old kid.

[Axinian]

146. Dropping one's pants and turning around is not a valid way to express a successful use of intimidate to demoralize.

[Welknair]

147. I may not use a Bag of Holding to get around Teleport's person limit.

147a. I may not store said BoH in my pants.

[Ksheep]

148. I must remember to remove any bags of holding and/or portable holes BEFORE climbing into anything which has unknown magical powers.

[Welknair]

149. Hirelings are not to be used as trap detectors. Even if that's what they're best at.

[nhbdy]

150. I will not use commoners/followers/halflings/gnomes to find traps by having them stomp down a hallway, even if I use bluff/magic to make them agree to it.

EDITED for clarity
and again for a misread of the above

[Omeganaut]

151. I will not outplay the Rogue in skills, the two paladins together at healing and defense, and the Ranger at wood skills and ranged weapon attack, all while supplying the party's only good magic as a bard!

[Welknair]

152. When playing a bard, I will never sing in real life.

[Shadow Lord]

152. When playing a bard, I will never sing in real life.

153: When playing a bard, I will always sing in real life.

[NeoSeraphi]

154. Having your character introduce himself as a fake class IC is not okay if you don't tell the players the truth OOC

155. Especially if everyone finds out you're not actually a cleric when you can't make a DC 15 Heal check.

156. I am not allowed to play a caster with glibness. Ever.

157. Especially if I take the feat Item Familiar and use it to effectively double my ranks in Bluff

158. Having a +70 to my Bluff skill at level 12 (even after using the above two methods combined) is not okay.

159. Even if I roll a natural 20 on my Bluff check for a total of 90, the blue dragon cleric is not going to believe I am actually Tiamat subject to an epic baleful polymorph

Edit: Swordsage'd

[Welknair]

160. I am not allowed to create Epic Baleful Polymorph and turn Tiamat into a human.

Edit: I thought we weren't counting Shadow Lord's 153 because it contradicted 152.

[Hiro Protagonest]

161. I am not allowed to play a commoner who has max ranks in handle animal, then have him refer to himself IC as a ranger.
161a. Even if he's more optimized than the party scout (if I did this, he would be more optimized than the party scout, low-op group).
161b. Even if he has a pet wolf.

And we are on 161, NeoSeraphi got swordsage'd.

[Welknair]

162. I am not allowed to play a commoner who has max ranks in perform, then have him refer to himself IC as a bard.

[Shadow Lord]

163: I am only allowed to play NPC classes, because otherwise the game implodes.

[Welknair]

164. When playing NPC classes, I may not play any of Welknair's NPC PrCs. Or the game implodes.

[Shadow Lord]

164a: You mean Gareth's NPC PrCs?

[NeoSeraphi]

160. I am not allowed to create Epic Baleful Polymorph and turn Tiamat into a human.

Edit: I thought we weren't counting Shadow Lord's 153 because it contradicted 152.

Oh Lolth, what have I done! lol To the homebrew forum!

[Welknair]

Oh Lolth, what have I done! lol To the homebrew forum!

Lolth must be your patron deity, because Boccob would be more appropriate given the circumstances.

165. I may not rename characters and refuse to call them by their given name.

[byaku rai]

166: I may not ever, under any circumstances, tell any of the female players in our group that they're doing something wrong.

166a: This also applies to outside of the game.

167: I may not make the BBEG lose THE GAME

[Welknair]

167a. I hate you.

168. I may not fuse a chicken and a squid and call it a "Squicken". Even if it would be adorable. And force SAN checks.

[nhbdy]

168a. even if it would be an excellent avatar of cthulhu
169. I may not have cthulhu as my patron deity in a non-cthulhu game
170. I may not worship cthulhu in a cthulhu game where the objective is to defeat cthulhu
171. I may not force group members to leave the table by detailing my sacrifices to cthulhu when I am allowed to make them
172. I may not sacrifice other party members to cthulhu
172a. nor banjo
172b. nor giggles
172c. no more sacrifices
173. I may not worship cthulhu

[Welknair]

174. I may not make a character lacking a name for the sole purpose of angering my fellow players.

175. "Rocks fall, everyone dies" is not an appropriate ending to a Bardic story.

[Shadow Lord]

168a. even if it would be an excellent avatar of cthulhu
169. I may not have cthulhu as my patron deity in a non-cthulhu game
170. I may not worship cthulhu in a cthulhu game where the objective is to defeat cthulhu
171. I may not force group members to leave the table by detailing my sacrifices to cthulhu when I am allowed to make them
172. I may not sacrifice other party members to cthulhu
172a. nor banjo
172b. nor giggles
172c. no more sacrifices
173. I may not worship cthulhu

176: I may not worship any Lovecraftian Beings. Ever. No matter what.

[nhbdy]

176: I may not worship any Lovecraftian Beings. Ever. No matter what.

177. Same goes for Elan, or anything he may create later in the comic, or anything he has created that have not been previously mentioned