Things I May No Longer Do While Playing II: Stop Making The DM Cry

[Shep]

283. I may not create a halfling bard named Kilmo
284. Who specializes in performance: mime
285. And uses a bicycle horn as a musical instrument
286. Nor may he ever use prestidigitation to create banana peels on the street as the mayor walks by.
287. Nor should my next character try to take vengence on the party for killing Kilmo.

[Welknair]

288. I may not have a Succubus as my cohort.

[Giggling Ghast]

289. I may not write "Yes" as my Charisma score on my character sheet.

[DiBastet]

108q. Trololo song also isn't for your sweet time.

108r. Inspire greatness also isn't.

[Welknair]

290. I may not use 108 as my to-do list once I get Suggestion.

[GFawkes]

291. Cleric do not get to add their Perform(Dance) ranks to turn/bolster undead checks. Especially when zombies are involved.

292. Not allowed to use the Portable Hole and Bag of Holding as a bomb. Again.

293. Conjuration [calling] and [summoning] spells are not substitutes for hunting.

294. I am only allowed to reference combat rules from 2 books per encounter.

295. No launching swine past the upper atmosphere.

[Welknair]

Uh.. You're numbering might need some adjusting. Swordsage'd.

[GFawkes]

Fixed. And also:

296. No casting Gate on the door to the outhouse.

[NeoSeraphi]

297. I may not use polymorph any object to turn any chair I sit in into a life-sized statue of the DM's girlfriend.

297a. He will hit me with the Spell Compendium.

298. When I DM, I must exercise restraint on the part of my gods.

298a. One of my player's drawing a fake moustache on Heironeous's statue should not provoke me to get out the Book of Exalted Deeds so I can send an Aleax after him.

299. Playing the Imperial March every time the BBEG shows up is not the correct way to set the mood.

300. I may not write Spot DC 25 as my character's gender.

Edit: Swordsage'd

[Welknair]

297b. I may not turn it into a life-sized statue of the DM either.

[Flame of Anor]

265. I am not allowed to start a joke thread like this without first checking to see if Silly Message Board Games has it already.

301. I am not allowed to make a rule about starting threads like this without first checking SMBG, without checking to see if a moderator had given explicit permission for this thread to start right here.

[Hiro Protagonest]

298. I am not allowed to make a rule about starting threads like this without first checking SMBG, without checking to see if a moderator had given explicit permission for this thread to start right here.

I know that. Did the mod know the other thread existed?

[GFawkes]

302. If someone needs to use psionics more frequently, that does not mean they need to Lurk more.

[Welknair]

303. I may not make a character using only homebrew material no one in my group has ever heard of.

Check your numbers, guys.

[NeoSeraphi]

We're on 302

[Ksheep]

297. I may not use polymorph any object to turn any chair I sit in into a life-sized statue of the DM's girlfriend.

297a. He will hit me with the Spell Compendium.

298. When I DM, I must exercise restraint on the part of my gods.

298a. One of my player's drawing a fake moustache on Heironeous's statue should not provoke me to get out the Book of Exalted Deeds so I can send an Aleax after him.

299. Playing the Imperial March every time the BBEG shows up is not the correct way to set the mood.

300. I may not write Spot DC 25 as my character's gender.

Edit: Swordsage'd

298. I am not allowed to make a rule about starting threads like this without first checking SMBG, without checking to see if a moderator had given explicit permission for this thread to start right here.

302. If someone needs to use psionics more frequently, that does not mean they need to Lurk more.

303. I may not make a character using only homebrew material no one in my group has ever heard of.

Check your numbers, guys.

We're on 302

No, we're on 304. Flame of Anor got thrown off by the regression into 297b.

[Welknair]

304. I will not try to convert Clerics I meet to Atheism.

304a. Even if I have a high enough Diplomacy.

304b. Especially if I'm trying to use Craft: Basketweaving to do so.

"The basket... It's... It's so beautiful! My god pales in comparison to the perfection that is this basket!"

...

[Axinian]

305. Elder Brains are not to be eaten, even if they do taste like Jell-O.

[nhbdy]

305. Elder Brains are not to be eaten, even if they do taste like Jell-O.

306. In Soviet Russia Elder Brains do not eat you, even if I can find a picture of it.

[Flame of Anor]

I know that. Did the mod know the other thread existed?

Heck if I know, but this board is a much more fruitful place than SMBG for such a thread, anyhow.

[Welknair]

307. I cannot make Far Realms jokes as if it were Russia.

307a. Even if sandwiches really eat you there.

[Flame9006]

308:I am not allowed to give the Wilden Druid who is always in bear form a monocle and a top hat

309:I am also not allowed to give said character alcohol EVER

310:I am also not allowed to let him roll Diplomacy to convince a very drunk girl in the bar to get him a room

311:I am not allowed to let him do anything Ic without asking me first OOC (because otherwise he'll try to preform on the streets of the town as a bear to earn money[He actually tried it])

Edit:Added a couple more

[Marillion]

Most if not all of these apply to 7th Sea.

312: I may not tie the laces on "Mad" Jack O'Bannon's Seven League Striders together.
313: I may not retroactively issue a duel to someone who I have just shot.
314: No matter how many points I put into it, the Quack skill is not a substitute for the Surgery skill.
315: The sympathetic healer may not carry a bag of live rats to transfer his wounds onto.
316: Even if the sympathetic healer transfers eleven wounds onto a rat, it does not explode.
317: Causing a rat to explode and showering the enemies with rat pieces does not give you a bonus to intimidation checks.
318: Mjy Vjesten Skjald mjay njot tjake ljibjertjies wjith thje rjunjic ajlphjabjet.
319: When issued a duel and asked to choose my weapon, I may not choose the other guys weapon.
320: I may not unionize the brute squads.
321: Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
322: My Highlander's name may not be McHammer.
323: I may not start with every language except for ones the rest of the group speaks.
324: I may not walk into L'Empereur's court, activate Stone Knight to grant me limited invincibility, and talk smack to L'Empereur until I drop dead 24 hours later.
324a: I may not resurrect myself and do the exact same thing the next day.
324b: I may, however, do this to Giovanni Villanova. I understand that I do so at my own peril.
325: Castillians do not end every sentence with "Arriba!"
326: When I accept or issue a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a weapon.
327: I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.
328: The first rule of the Finnegan unarmed fighting school is not "Do not talk about the Finnegan unarmed fighting school."
329: The titles "Viking" and "Obstetrician" are mutually exclusive.
330: The Throat Punch skill does not give me a bonus to contested philosophy checks.
331: I do not get a bulk discount at the prostitutes guild.
332: No matter how many points I put into the skill, I may not use sword swallowing to parry.
333: My Highlander will refrain from doing the Can-Can.
334: If the villains three-room lair contains more than a hundred brutes, I may not just tip off the fire marshal.
335: My panzerhand does not get a vote.

[Ryu_Bonkosi]

336: Under no circumstances is it ok to try to have sexual relations with another Pc's animal companion/familiar.

(A player of mine actually did this )

[HunterOfJello]

337. I may not try to sneak in an Eternal Wand of Glibness at character creation and hope the DM doesn't notice it.


Note: I was not the player, I was the DM.

[Ryu_Bonkosi]

Most if not all of these apply to 7th Sea.

312: I may not tie the laces on "Mad" Jack O'Bannon's Seven League Striders together.
313: I may not retroactively issue a duel to someone who I have just shot.
314: No matter how many points I put into it, the Quack skill is not a substitute for the Surgery skill.
315: The sympathetic healer may not carry a bag of live rats to transfer his wounds onto.
316: Even if the sympathetic healer transfers eleven wounds onto a rat, it does not explode.
317: Causing a rat to explode and showering the enemies with rat pieces does not give you a bonus to intimidation checks.
318: Mjy Vjesten Skjald mjay njot tjake ljibjertjies wjith thje rjunjic ajlphjabjet.
319: When issued a duel and asked to choose my weapon, I may not choose the other guys weapon.
320: I may not unionize the brute squads.
321: Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
322: My Highlander's name may not be McHammer.
323: I may not start with every language except for ones the rest of the group speaks.
324: I may not walk into L'Empereur's court, activate Stone Knight to grant me limited invincibility, and talk smack to L'Empereur until I drop dead 24 hours later.
324a: I may not resurrect myself and do the exact same thing the next day.
324b: I may, however, do this to Giovanni Villanova. I understand that I do so at my own peril.
325: Castillians do not end every sentence with "Arriba!"
326: When I accept or issue a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a weapon.
327: I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.
328: The first rule of the Finnegan unarmed fighting school is not "Do not talk about the Finnegan unarmed fighting school."
329: The titles "Viking" and "Obstetrician" are mutually exclusive.
330: The Throat Punch skill does not give me a bonus to contested philosophy checks.
331: I do not get a bulk discount at the prostitutes guild.
332: No matter how many points I put into the skill, I may not use sword swallowing to parry.
333: My Highlander will refrain from doing the Can-Can.
334: If the villains three-room lair contains more than a hundred brutes, I may not just tip off the fire marshal.
335: My panzerhand does not get a vote.

I will not try so sneak things I may no longer do from Mr Welch's list into this list after Mr. Welch's list has already been discussed.

[Xanmyral]

338. I cannot call every dwarf we meet Urist Mc[Profession]
339. I cannot make a dwarf named Urist McAdventurton
340. Not all artifacts menace with spikes.
341. I will stop accusing the elf in the group of cannibalism.
342. I will stop trying to burn said elf with lava.
343. I may not try to create perpetual energy machines.
344. I will stop freaking out every time we see adamantine ore.
345. Mermen/maid bones are not rare. I must stop trying to genocide them.
346. I do not need alcohol to get through the work day.
347. I may not try to trade in my racial hatred of goblins for racial hatred of elephants.
348. There is not, nor has there ever been a boat that has been murdered.
349. I can no longer play a dwarf. Ever.
349a. Even if we play an all dwarf campaign.

[Frozen_Feet]

341. I will stop accusing the elf in the group of cannibalism.

Of course you can't say that! It's horribly rude! Elves only eat humans, not other elves!

The proper term is anthrophage.

---

350. "I go to the woods" is not valid method for searching pirate treasure
351. I may not lie about my goals to powerful NPCs when it's unnecessary.

351a. Especially if I have no goals.
351b. Especially if it's a coven of witches capable of scry & die.
351c. Especially if it's the ruler of the realm... called "Blood Emperor".

352. I may not beg the Admiral to outfit my ship with cannons if I'm not part of the navy

352b. Especially if going to use them for piracy.
352c. "I need them for self-defense" is not a valid excuse if your ship already has 9 ballistas and 2 catapults. No, not even then.

353. I may not sell my soul to the Devil just for the heck of it.

353a. The Devil has no incentive to buy, he'll get it for free anyways at this rate.

[dragonfire42]

354. I must never have an undead army ever again. Mwa Ha Ha Ha Ha!

[Welknair]

355. I will not invent anything from the "list of weapons that don't exist but should"