Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title

[DeadManSleeping]

My Boy thinks "girls don't say things like that to guys they'd want to date".

Indeed. Girls also never ask guys out, only want bad boys, love 'chick flicks', and can't beat men at real sports.

[Objection]

Indeed. Girls also never ask guys out, only want bad boys, love 'chick flicks', and can't beat men at real sports.

I object to that last one!

[Serpentine]

If that's the only one you object to... Eeesh.

[DeadManSleeping]

I believe he was attempting to make a joke. It's okay, Objection; not everybody is as talented with sarcasm as I am.

[Malfunctioned]

Hey guys, long time no post.

So just to get something cleared up. THIS IS NOT A POST ABOUT ME ATTEMPTING TO GET A GIRL.
That has already succeded. It's a LDR but somehow we seem to be making it work. And she is amazing and will be visiting London for a couple of weeks next summer. So just to get that out of the way.

Now onto my main point.

As some of you may recall, but most probably don't, I had a somewhat.... volatile relationship with my first serious girlfriend. I cheated on her, she cheated on me and the trust was lost, I was a ****, realised that later and tried to make amends but it was too late. We split up a year later and at first it was okay. But it's degraded, she hates me with a passion and some facets of my jerkassness have shone through on a couple of occasions. Me and her have barely talked at all though.

The thing is, her life isn't exactly in a good way right now and I don't wanna bring up the details because it's not my life to talk about. The thing is, I think I should talk to her and at least attempt to get things sorted out. I just wanna know if you guys have any advice or thoughts about this, whether it's a good idea or not.

Thanks in advance.

[Castaras]

I wouldn't try and talk to her directly, to start with, if at all. If you have mutual friends, the most you can do is share your concern with them. Quite honestly, she's probably going to hate you even more if you try to help her when she's going through a rough patch.

[Celitholar]

I have made up my mind about a girl I used to like. We almost had a one night stand. I say almost because after 2 months of not talking to her, and me giving up on her. I was not in to it as much as I could have been.

We started hanging out more because I thought it meant she liked me.

Long story short, I found out yesterday that the only reason we got close to a one night stand was because she was depressed, drunk, and had taken a lot of pills.

I found this out when I asked her if she wanted to try again. She basically told me the above and that I don't have the right to have sex with her.

How self-absorbed does someone have to be? I mean really. I've been crazy about this girl since I met her. But now I think I finally have closure.

[The Succubus]

"I know you think that feelings of love and friendships are just hormones, but right now my hormones are telling me that I should spend more time with you and I really enjoy this feeling. How about I take you to dinner so that we can explore this meaningless, but fun, experience together? For science."

Oh Rawhide, I'm touched. <3 When do you want me to pick you up?

[Serpentine]

Speaking of that, he's just borrowed $20 off me to go to lunch with her tomorrow :3

[Jude_H]

I found this out when I asked her if she wanted to try again. She basically told me the above and that I don't have the right to have sex with her.

How self-absorbed does someone have to be? I mean really. I've been crazy about this girl since I met her. But now I think I finally have closure.

This is the part I find hilarious.

[Mono Vertigo]

I found this out when I asked her if she wanted to try again. She basically told me the above and that I don't have the right to have sex with her.

How self-absorbed does someone have to be? I mean really. I've been crazy about this girl since I met her. But now I think I finally have closure.

This is the part I find hilarious.

Huuuuh yeah. Sure, your situation sucks, but... are you saying she's selfish because she has no feeling for you and don't want to have sex with you? Are you aware you're sounding a lot like a Nice Guy (there's a very bad sort of nice guys, if you need to ask)?

[arguskos]

Huuuuh yeah. Sure, your situation sucks, but... are you saying she's selfish because she has no feeling for you and don't want to have sex with you? Are you aware you're sounding a lot like a Nice Guy (there's a very bad sort of nice guys, if you need to ask)?

He's making a comment about her use of the word "right" instead of "privilege", I believe. At least, that's the way in which I understood that section. *shrug*

[Objection]

I'm not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but if someone is depressed, drunk and on a ton of pills, I can't imagine the sex being that great anyway. At least, compared to sex with someone who is happy, sober and clean.

[Hawkfrost000]

This is the part I find hilarious.

agreed.

very, very Nice Guy

DM

[Mono Vertigo]

He's making a comment about her use of the word "right" instead of "privilege", I believe. At least, that's the way in which I understood that section. *shrug*

The phrasing is a bit awkward, but technically, yes, he doesn't have the right to have sex with her if she doesn't want to, just because he feels like she owes him that. Especially since she's stated her mind quite unambiguously. Celitholar, it's understandable that you're very disappointed about the whole thing, I know I would be, but if anything, you're the self-absorbed one, because you value your own instinctive desires over her own well-being. That's not love, just lust.

[Hawkfrost000]

He's making a comment about her use of the word "right" instead of "privilege", I believe. At least, that's the way in which I understood that section. *shrug*

Legally that is the correct word to use

I don't see a problem with it.

DM

[arguskos]

Legally that is the correct word to use

I don't see a problem with it.

DM

Musashi gets the gist of it. The idea of sex with a stranger as a right rather than a privilege is mildly humorous to me, is all.

I don't endorse the original statement, if that's what you're confused about. It seems rather self-absorbed (arrr, irony be a harsh mistress). Of course, in the throes of getting shot down in a rather rude sounding way, I can dismiss a single comment as made in the heat of the moment, not with the power of reason and thought.

[term1nally s1ck]

If she replied to his proposition with 'you don't have to right to have sex with me', then I'd say he came across as excessively demanding.

[Keld Denar]

See, I interpretted what he posted as "What, you think I'd sleep with YOU sober? Heck no. The only reason you got as far as you did was because I was really messed up".

Which is a rather rude way to shut someone down by belittling them to the point where they aren't "good enough" for you to consider them a sexual partner. A less offensive, and probably more accurate rejection might have been "I'm sorry, I'm in a place right now where I shouldn't be complicating things with sex. Thank you for respecting me."

Again, thats the way I interpretted it. Also, just because thats the way he typed it, doesn't mean thats verbatim what she said.

[term1nally s1ck]

If it isn't verbatim, then we need to worry about why he interprets other rejection as her denying him his right to sleep with her.

In this case, we're assuming the best of him by thinking he was too demanding and she reacted in the way he described.

[Celitholar]

I'm not going to quote anyone because I'm too lazy.

First off. I don't believe I was being demanding. I asked her if she wanted to make a man of me. Simply put. I've known her for over a year and we seem to get along great. Despite the b.s. we have been through.

I understand I am somewhat of a Nice Guy. But I have been fixing that.

I don't feel like she owes me at all. I just thought since I'm going to boot camp in three months we could have some fun.

I mean, I may have seemed demanding. But that was not my intent

Btw, this was all via text. So I never actually spoke to her

Thank you all!

[Rawhide]

Err, guys, I think you may be reading his post wrong.


I got the impression that he asked her if she was interested because she appeared to show interest previously (without him knowing the specifics of why). His post doesn't say that he felt he had any right nor that he implied to her that he had the right to sleep with her, only that he thought she might be interested based on a past experience (for which he didn't at the time know the full circumstances).

Based on what was said in the post, this was then followed by what sounds to have been a rather aggressive refutation including something along the lines of 'what gives you the right to think [...]'.

[Hawkfrost000]

I agree that we don't have context, so it would be hard to figure out exactly what this girl meant.

My comment was based on my interpretation of what consent is I.E. I give you the right to have sex with me.

In my head it is a reasonable thing to say "no you don't have that right" as usual it only later occurred to me that my perception of reality is not usually the norm.

If I confused anyone then I'm sorry
DM

[Syka]

Err, guys, I think you may be reading his post wrong.


I got the impression that he asked her if she was interested because she appeared to show interest previously (without him knowing the specifics of why). His post doesn't say that he felt he had any right nor that he implied to her that he had the right to sleep with her, only that he thought she might be interested based on a past experience (for which he didn't at the time know the full circumstances).

Based on what was said in the post, this was then followed by what sounds to have been a rather aggressive refutation including something along the lines of 'what gives you the right to think [...]'.

To follow on this, and correct me if I'm wrong OP, the "self absorbed" part referred either to him questioning how self absorbed someone had to be to either A. think that someone felt they had a right to sleep with them or B. think that they have a right to sleep with someone.



ION, another friend is going to be getting engaged! Not for a while, but still! Eee!

[Celitholar]

If you want me put the text messages out here for more context I can do that. I don't mind.

That self-absorbed part wasn't actually something I thought of. I told my roommate about this too since he knows her. That was the first thing he said, I just threw it in here. And happen to agree to an extent.

Honestly, right about now, I think I'm glad I got told the truth if that was what it was. I know enough about her to believe she kept me around(like a lot of guys to be honest) because she was lonely. I've been insane over this girl for far to long. Some closure was a welcome feeling.

I saw this as an opportunity to have some fun with a good friend before I get shipped out to boot camp. That may be shallow, but like my dad always says, "If the Navy wanted me to have a wife they would have issued me one in my C bag" Sorry! I just like mentioning I joined the Navy

[Feytalist]

Your first posts were unfortunately a bit misleading in their subtexts, but I think you cleared that up.

Regardless, it sucks to be shut down like that in any case. Your friend gave the wrong kinds of signals for the wrong reasons. At least, like you said, you now have some closure.

Also, good luck in the navy. My dad says it's a helluva ride

[Stadge]

Hey all, I expect this may be rather rambly and I apologise in advance,

First some background,

My girlfriend and I have been together for ten months, and have known each other well for quite a lot longer than that. Truth be told, about a year before we got together I was crazy about her, before deciding I had no chance and that I'd best try to get her out of my head, which worked for a while, and ultimately the feelings resurfaced at a time good for both of us. Whilst she's from South Africa, we're both at uni in the UK together, going into our final year, and as you can probably guess from where this is going, that's where my problem/worry lies.

Because she decided to stay at my parents house during the Easter break last year, we were essentially together from January til the end of June, and had before that kept in very close touch during the Christmas vacation. Throughout this time, despite some normal little ups and downs everything seemed to be brilliant. Having known each other for so long before, we'd been able to whilst not quite discuss, voice some thoughts about the future, with her saying that she would probably, but not definitely want to move back to SA, and me saying that whilst I couldn't promise anything without seeing the country, I would consider moving out there, and both agreeing that Border Collies would be pretty nifty for us to have.

Anyway, I'll draw the backstory to a close now, as that stretch of time with her was amazing.

Essentially, after a month and a half of expensive texting daily, and trying to skype when we could, I went out to see her in South Africa for three and a half weeks (this had been pre-arranged in early June). I got back a few days ago, and well, I've had an amazing time, and I enjoyed every second of it, and tried to take in as much of the differences as possible. It was great to see her again, but some things seemed different. We didn't seem to be as physically close as we were before our time apart, and well, it's hard to explain it, but there seemed to be a bit of a different vibe. I tried to bring it up at one point, and she, and I can't quote this word for word, said that she's just not as close when at home, and also that she wanted to spend as much time with her family as possible. Both of which I guess are fair enough.

Perhaps my biggest worry though is that she now definitely wants to move straight back to SA, and work in the game reserves for a while before getting a secondary qualification in conservation. This in itself is not too massive a deal, but just from little things said by both her family and her I get the feeling that she might no longer be entertaining the idea of me in that future. My own plans would be to spend a year gaining my postgrad teaching qualification, and then figuring out a way to move over there.

I guess my main worry is that we'll last perhaps til graduation, she'll move back home and my hopes of maintaining the relationship as a long distance one for a while will be dashed.

By this time next week we'll both be together again at uni, and well I'm not sure whether to just see how things go, or voice my worries as to what will happen. I guess my biggest fear is of talking about this and my worries being confirmed, because I love her an awful lot, but I can't help but think that continuing a relationship that we know will end at graduation will be incredibly painful, more so than either continuing unknowing, and accepting that things may or may not work, or facing the pain and ending things at the moment we know that it won't last.

In short I guess I'm just a bit confused as to what to do. There's no real question here, just needed to get some of this out of my head a little. Cheers for reading.

[Serpentine]

Well, I think the first question is "what do you want, and what will you require to get it?" That's the question you alone have to answer.
Once you have, the next question is "What does she want, and is it compatible with what you want?" That one you have to ask her.

[Feytalist]

This differs from relationship to relationship, but ten months isn't all that long a time, regardless of the time you knew each other than before. Also, be very very sure of the direction the relationship is taking before doing something as drastic as moving to another country. (Even one as awesome as SA )

People act differently in different circumstances. Another country (and among family, no less) is sufficiently different for her to act differently than what you are used to. Like Serps said, make sure you're perhaps not misreading her attitude.

Otherwise, long distance is always difficult, even more so across countries and oceans. It can be possible, but again, make sure that's what you both want.

[Adumbration]

So, uh, there's this girl I had a crush on last year. Long story short, we became friends of sorts, but she wasn't into me in any serious way. There was some drama, but we stayed as friends afterwards. We haven't had any contact in the last couple of months - half because life, half because the more I thought about the past year the more I've come to think she's had a negative overall effect on me, mostly mentally. Figured that since she hasn't taken contact either, the feelings were mutual in that sense.

Well, that is, until the start of this week when she texted me if I wanted to go out on a drink or something that Monday or this Saturday. I had fairly ambivalent feelings about that, but was spared the burden of choice by the fact that I had stuff going on on both days. Fastforward to this Thursday, when we happened to coincidentally attend the same event, a sports practise and common sauna afterwards.

I didn't ignore her, but I didn't throw myself over her either. I left fairly early - had a friend who left at the same time - and so I kinda didn't even say goodbye to her.

So here's the problem. Afterwards, she sent me a text asking if I was angry with her about something. After some deliberation I sent back the truthful (but perhaps a little curt) 'No.'

Did I do wrong? I just don't really know if I want to be active friends with her anymore. There's that little bit of drama from earlier still digging at me a little when I think about her and I really don't want to get a crush on her again. That would be just painful.

Help, please?