Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title

[Castaras]

People cringing when you compliment them is a sign of them thinking you're a sexual predator and/or deviant in the absence of some other faux pas to explain the phenomenon, right?

While I've got better at accepting compliments, I still end up cringing at times or just being silly about it. Comes from before, when people would often use such comments in a way to make fun of me. There's zillions of other reasons why people would look nervous at a compliment. Depending on the context of the compliment and what you actually said.

[Scoot]

Bolded parts are the meat of the post, everything else is my rambling

Ok, I have kind of an odd question, that I think falls more under etiquette than actual relationship advice, but I think it's close enough...

There's this person that I used to know about a year ago, although only slightly. We had a class together for a semester, and we worked on one group project together. Beyond that, any interactions we had were limited.

Now, I'm wanting to reconnect with her (or maybe just connect for the first time?), and I've run into a sort of dilemma.

I tried friending her on Facebook, but I'm not entirely sure she still uses it, and I'm still waiting for her to accept or decline.

So what I want to know is, is there some sort of good waiting period before I ditch that and just try emailing her?

The reason I wanted to friend her on Facebook first is because I kinda want to see if she's even still in state, because, and I'll be honest, I used to have a sort of crush on her, and I want to pursue that now that I can and I apparently have the confidence to.


And while we're on the subject, how does one usually go about trying to talk to acquaintances from their past?

I figure I'm just going to say Hi, and ask how things have been going since graduation, and see how conversation goes from there.

[The Succubus]

While I've got better at accepting compliments, I still end up cringing at times or just being silly about it. Comes from before, when people would often use such comments in a way to make fun of me. There's zillions of other reasons why people would look nervous at a compliment. Depending on the context of the compliment and what you actually said.

This is true for me as well. When I was in school a lot of the girls would often make fake compliments and fake flirting with me because they got a kick out of making me feel uncomfortable. This in turn gave my self confidence a battering and made me very suspicious whenever someone paid me a genuien compliment. Generally, cheesy compliments tend to put me on edge but an honest and straightforward one like, "You look spectacular this evening" or "I like what you've done with your hair" are more likely to go down well.

[John Cribati]

how does one usually go about trying to talk to acquaintances from their past?

"Hi, I'm [NAME]. Remember, we [WHATEVER YOU DID TOGETHER]? How you been?"

[Dallas-Dakota]

So any advice on not taking all comliments as sarcasm? Only from very good friends I accept them and don't (secretly) take them as sarcasm...

[Castaras]

So any advice on not taking all comliments as sarcasm? Only from very good friends I accept them and don't (secretly) take them as sarcasm...

Just say thanks no matter if it is sarcasm or not. You kinda just have to do it to get used to it. The more you just say thanks, not worrying wether they're attempting to be a bastard or not, the easier it gets and the more experience you have with working out instinctively whether the compliments are sarcastic or not.

[rogueboy]

Just say thanks no matter if it is sarcasm or not. You kinda just have to do it to get used to it. The more you just say thanks, not worrying wether they're attempting to be a bastard or not, the easier it gets and the more experience you have with working out instinctively whether the compliments are sarcastic or not.

Also, the ability to honestly take what was intended to be a sarcastic compliment (or outright insult) as a compliment can be wonderful. Example: my 5 year old cousin, while his family was visiting, came up to me and stated, completely serious "you're weird". My response? "Thank you!" The look on his face as his attempted insult backfired epically was pure win. I still want to do that to someone who isn't 5, but I don't run into many people who will actually insult me (friends don't count, my friends and I tease each other over minor things all the time).

[Castaras]

Also, the ability to honestly take what was intended to be a sarcastic compliment (or outright insult) as a compliment can be wonderful. Example: my 5 year old cousin, while his family was visiting, came up to me and stated, completely serious "you're weird". My response? "Thank you!" The look on his face as his attempted insult backfired epically was pure win. I still want to do that to someone who isn't 5, but I don't run into many people who will actually insult me (friends don't count, my friends and I tease each other over minor things all the time).

Did that to people at school. Was hilarious.

[rogueboy]

Question for all, inspired by a realization about myself. For those of you who don't remember, I mentioned a while back that I was trying to convince myself to ask a girl out. Long story short, I'm still working on that. I've moved past debating whether to (even 'in the moment', as it were), and it's now when the right time is (I may have said something about that recently, I forget).

Regardless, the realization is this: my hesitation comes not from a lack of desire to be in a relationship with her, but from a lack of knowledge of what to expect. Having not only never had a girlfriend , but never having been on a date , I'm at a bit of a loss as to what I should expect of myself, her, the relationship, and how our friendship changes once I ask (I'm assuming that she'll say yes, as I have no reason to believe otherwise).

An early concern of mine was the potential of losing our (very good) friendship if things don't work out, but I think I've moved past that (at least at a conscious level).

I guess the question is this: in moving from a good friendship to a romantic relationship with someone, what are reasonable expectations for me to have? In terms of pretty much anything and everything: what will/should she expect of me, what should I expect of her, how does our friendship adapt to accommodate a more intimate connection, etc.

I realize that it's different for every person/couple, but that doesn't mean that having some ideas won't help. If nothing else, it's how I make decisions: look at the probably outcomes, analyze things, and then decide. While I've made the decision at a conscious level, I think I still need to convince myself further.

[Pheehelm]

What do you want out of the relationship? (See also: post #2 in this thread.)

And do you mean expect behaviorally, emotionally, something elseally? And are you asking about expectations short term or long term?

[rogueboy]

What do you want out of the relationship? (See also: post #2 in this thread.)

Not entirely certain... I'm kind of at that point where I'd be fine settling down for a long-term/permanent relationship, but I'm far from needing that. So I guess that means I don't really have anything specific that I want, besides being closer to her. We get along really well, enjoy each other's company, and all that jazz. Motivation in brief: I enjoy spending time with her, and want to do so more? Hopefully that makes sense.

And do you mean expect behaviorally, emotionally, something elseally? And are you asking about expectations short term or long term?

I mean anything, but probably more behaviorally than emotionally. And mostly short term. And for the definition of short-term... first week to 3?

[Odentin]

Rogue, do yourself a favor: Don't ask her to be in a relationship with you, straight off. Ask her out on a date. If that goes well, ask her out on another one. Continue on this trend until you're both well and comfortable being romantically involved, and then consider it a relationship.

This way, in the case that it won't work out as a relationship between you, it's simpler just to end it before it begins, without drama. And if it does work out, then you've got a bit to kind of ease yourself into what a relationship is, and learn what to expect.

[rogueboy]

Rogue, do yourself a favor: Don't ask her to be in a relationship with you, straight off.

Honestly, that hadn't even crossed my mind. That gradual transition is what I had in mind, I just have no idea what to expect out of the transition since it's a first for me, if that makes sense.

[Heliomance]

Bah, why must all the best ones be taken already?

One of the freshers to join our gaming society this year is a fascinating girl. We've been gently flirting pretty much since we met, and there's definite chemistry between us. Unfortunately, she already has a boyfriend, back in France (she's an international student). Ho hum.

[DeadManSleeping]

Yeah...but you know how foreign travel is. You can probably still get a temporary relationship of sorts if you keep up with the flirting.

It'd be really immoral, of course, and I'd have you neutered for even trying, but I'm just saying that it is certainly an option.

Now we shall see what kind of person you really are...

[Coidzor]

Bah, why must all the best ones be taken already?

Because a blind man can recognize their intrinsic value as well as their extrinsic, status-improving value. Someone that's awesome to be around and makes you look better by association is a pretty sweet deal, and all, though mostly only cynics such as myself consider the latter.

Plus, the general view I've found is that if someone lacks a significant other, they're either doing something wrong, are something wrong in the eyes of others and how they put themselves forward, or don't want one from what's available/at all.

Thus, awesome people are only single if there's some kind of environmental factor at play (viz: lesbians in small towns, people in the siberian wilderness, feminists in machismo central) or they're not interested.

(For those curious, I fall squarely under the "are something wrong," header, but then, who would be curious at this point?)

[Aedilred]

I've found it's a near-universal rule of girls/women that if they're worth having, someone else will have noticed this first and acted upon it. Either you have to be lucky and catch one of them at a time when they're not pre-attached or bide your time and wait for one to become available. Then take your chances with second-guessing how long to wait before making a move yourself (too early, they won't be ready for another relationship, too late and someone else will beat you to it).

When it comes to relationships, it's surprisingly tough going being a generally decent man.

[Ceric]

I've found it's a near-universal rule of girls/women that if they're worth having, someone else will have noticed this first and acted upon it.

So... almost all girls/women who are currently single...

Jus' sayin'.

[rogueboy]

So... almost all girls/women who are currently single...

Jus' sayin'.

I doubt that was Aedilred's intent, but I'll clarify what I think he might have meant: the people who satisfy societal norms and are extroverted enough to be in most guys' definitions of "people I'm aware of", most tend to be in relationships (because, you know, they're generally classified as attractive, are extroverted enough to know a bunch of guys, presumably a few of which are interested in societal definitions of attractive). Or maybe I'm just giving him too much credit

Myself, I tend to dislike the social rule of "thinner is better" (which is the one I see referred to more often than any others). While obesity is certainly unattractive, being too thin (which depends a lot on how in shape you are as well as body type) can be bad too. This goes for both guys and girls, imo.

[Ceric]

Yeah, I was joking No offense taken.

[Aedilred]

So... almost all girls/women who are currently single...

Jus' sayin'.

Oh, come now!

I would observe, though, that my male friends tend to become single more often, and remain single for longer, than my female friends. What's more, no matter how much anectdotal evidence I hear of young eligible single women, I never seem to meet any.

I would also note that my standards are, if not high per se, then at least very idiosyncratic, and finding girls who meet them is enough of a challenge in itself without the whole seduction business that would normally ensue. Finding girls who meet the standards and are single has proven rather difficult.

[Aedilred]

So... almost all girls/women who are currently single...

Jus' sayin'.

Oh, come now!

I would observe, though, that my male friends tend to become single more often, and remain single for longer, than my female friends. What's more, no matter how much anectdotal evidence I hear of young eligible single women, I never seem to meet any.

I would also note that my standards are, if not high per se, then at least very idiosyncratic, and finding girls who meet them is enough of a challenge in itself without the whole seduction business that would normally ensue. Finding girls who meet the standards and are single has proven rather difficult.

[Heliomance]

Yeah...but you know how foreign travel is. You can probably still get a temporary relationship of sorts if you keep up with the flirting.

It'd be really immoral, of course, and I'd have you neutered for even trying, but I'm just saying that it is certainly an option.

Now we shall see what kind of person you really are...

Oh, I'm going to keep up the flirting, but that's just because it's fun in and of itself. I'm certainly not expecting, nor hoping, for anything to come of it. Well, not unless she happens to become single for unrelated reasons. LDRs are tricky things...

Because a blind man can recognize their intrinsic value as well as their extrinsic, status-improving value. Someone that's awesome to be around and makes you look better by association is a pretty sweet deal, and all, though mostly only cynics such as myself consider the latter.

Plus, the general view I've found is that if someone lacks a significant other, they're either doing something wrong, are something wrong in the eyes of others and how they put themselves forward, or don't want one from what's available/at all.

Thus, awesome people are only single if there's some kind of environmental factor at play (viz: lesbians in small towns, people in the siberian wilderness, feminists in machismo central) or they're not interested.

(For those curious, I fall squarely under the "are something wrong," header, but then, who would be curious at this point?)

I'm awesome. Why am I single?

[DeadManSleeping]

LDRs are tricky things...

Especially when you're dealing with someone flirting with you while the SO is so far away...

I'm awesome. Why am I single?

I ask myself the same question each night as I stare at my protruding gut and argue about D&D with people on the internet. *foreveralone*

[Heliomance]

Especially when you're dealing with someone flirting with you while the SO is so far away...

I wasn't going to say that :P :innocent:

I ask myself the same question each night as I stare at my protruding gut and argue about D&D with people on the internet. *foreveralone*

Not to toot my own horn, but I believe I'm a genuinely nice guy (as opposed to a Nice Guy), I'm smart, reasonably fit, erudite, polite, and not unattractive. I enjoy making people happy, especially those I'm close to. I believe at this point I'm supposed to say I'm modest to boot

By the numbers, I'm a catch. If I was at all interested in casual relationships/sex, I could probably pick them up without too much difficulty. So far, though, I've never managed a proper relationship that's lasted more than 2 months for one reason or another - some my fault, some not. I have a fairly realistic self-image, I think, and while I'm nowhere near perfect, I'm not half bad.

I just wish that the ratio of geek girls to geek guys wasn't skewed so heavily.

[DeadManSleeping]

Son, lemme tell you a story. I am, by all accounts, a symmetrical-faced fellow who knows how to take care of himself from a hygeine/dressing himself standpoint. I am quick with a smile, a joke, and a helping hand. It's no exaggeration to say that the average person laughs very frequently when I'm their conversational partner (my friends more often intelligently appreciate my cutting truths and groan at my awful puns). I'm a capable showman. I can play an instrument, write songs and poems and prose. I can speak with intelligence and insight on a great variety of subjects (for some reason, people don't believe me when I tell them I'm not really that smart). I can bake, I can do all manner of house chores, and even give honest and helpful commentary on matters of clothing and fashion. And I avoid bragging about ANY of this stuff. And yet, I have never, EVER had a girlfriend. I can count the number of people who I can be sure EVER found me attractive on a single hand. I wouldn't need even half the fingers, really.

If there's something wrong with me, I've never found a definite answer as to what it could be.

You're not the only person this has ever happened to. The two of us are not the only two people. This is not the kind of universe where all bad things happen because they are earned. This is the kind where they just happen.

[Heliomance]

Well, of course you're symmetrical faced, you're a featureless clone :P

Your point is well taken though. Sucks to be us.

Sorry, I've just realised I'm on a "mildly depressed due to loneliness" kick, probably caused by proximity to aforementioned cute yet unavailable girl. They happen now and then, I'll get over it.

[Coidzor]

If there's something wrong with me, I've never found a definite answer as to what it could be.

I've got the opposite problem, I've got so many people offering answers as to what's wrong with me, often contradictory, that I have no idea what to make of it.

Practically a hobby amongst people I know IRL and online.

edit: Well, other than be wealthier and have more leisure time to devote to meeting women for practice if nothing else. That one's a pretty constant recommendation, I must admit.

[DeadManSleeping]

I've got the opposite problem, I've got so many people offering answers as to what's wrong with me, often contradictory, that I have no idea what to make of it.

Practically a hobby amongst people I know IRL and online.

I experience that too. Kinda throws a wrench in the "definite" qualifier, y'know?

[rogueboy]

Yeah, I was joking No offense taken.

I did realize that, but decided to proceed with the (admittedly weak) tongue-in-cheek style in my first paragraph. The second paragraph of my post was the one that I honestly meant. My style (of existing, not just joking, tbh) tends to use sarcasm pretty heavily... you'd think I'd remember that the tone that makes it obvious I'm being sarcastic doesn't translate across the forum