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2011-10-13, 09:34 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Aug 2006
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- Albany, NY
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
My advice: convert one.
Having something like "enjoys all the same things I enjoy" as a prerequisite to asking out an otherwise attractive person has two large downsides. First, unless you have really gotten to know the person, how do you actually know what they do or don't like? Second, even if they don't presently like geeky things, what is to say that they wouldn't like them if they found themselves dating someone else who did? You would be really surprised to discover how many people have an inner geek just waiting for the right accepting person to help it flourish.[CENTER]So You Wanna Be A DM? A Potentially Helpful Guide
Truly wonderful avatar made by Cuthalion
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2011-10-14, 12:49 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2006
- Location
- Charlottesville
- Gender
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2011-10-14, 04:07 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
Before this idea gains steam, I'd like to note that I hold no idea in my head whatsoever that nothing is wrong with me. I would be perfectly willing to accept something being wrong with me if that thing's existence could be proven in some way other than "you've never had a girlfriend". I mean, that's like trying to prove everything we know about light based off the fact that "we can see stuff" and nothing more. No, I'm waiting for my split-beam experiments, my quantum mechanics, my gosh-darn-freaking laser of meaning in this wacked-out existence, before I try to define what is going on.
But I don't have funding for that stuff, so I guess I'll just fool around with the prism of the internet and hope for epiphanies.Wait, that's odd. Some sort of large pink circl-oh good lord not again.
I am, however, still not willing to rule out the possibility that it's just the whims of an unconcerned universe. It just seems so...unscientific.
But enough about me. Surely somebody has some relationship problem which I have found the answer to on the road of my endless journey.
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2011-10-14, 09:32 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2009
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
I have some sage advice for all you out there who have lost hope or believe themselves to be the rejects of male society, undatable by any woman. I say this as a guy who has now dated the same woman for nearly 8 years and has these exact discussions with her about how naive and blind we used to be in our youth.
I've formatted it in a numbered list because I like numbered lists.
1) Guys are horrible at reading if girls have any attraction to them. Ditto goes for girls reading guys. I'm dead serious, you think nobody has ever found you attractive? I highly (HIGHLY) doubt that.
Maybe nobody has said 'hey, you're cute' to your face but in today's culture that tends to be the norm unless the person is overly charismatic or actually dating you.
2) Nerdiness isn't always obvious in the way you recognise it. In fact, often times it's not obvious at all. You think a nerdy girl would be someone who likes D&D, video games, maybe zombies. We nerds have many likes so pick and choose the categories which match up to your likes.
Well, there are female nerds out there looking for guys who are into music and the theatre (no joke, these two groups contain a metric ton of female nerds. If only I had known in highschool, really). How many of you like music and/or theatre? I'm willing to bet it's not at the bottom of the list. Guess what, the women here, they like video games and zombies and stuff too, they're just more adamant about something slightly different.
Also, stop looking for girls with glasses.
3) AKA_Bait said "Convert one".
Seriously, go out and do it. You'd be surprised. My girl was a music geek who was kind of into video games (but they weren't a major thing for her at the time) when we met.
Now we play halo and several other games together.
On the other hand, I'm more into music.
Couples tend to influence each other's interests like that.
4) Don't rely on the few representatives at your coveted interest gathering.
You a huge P&P gamer but the local club has 2 girls and 56 guys, what's up with that?
Truth be told, many girls don't go to these things because they don't want to be hit on by the 56 guys who are all thinking "OMFG A GIRL WHO LIKES D&D". I'm told this is a common frustration. Many women/girls have these interests and want to attend things like this but don't because of harrassment they're afraid they'll get. Even if none of the guys are actually going to hit on them they're under the impression that it's inevitable.
That's why most of the girls in the club aren't single, because they don't have to worry about it anymore so they feel free to come.
Also, often, a woman won't go to this sort of thing because they don't have someone to introduce them to it. It's like you going to a club you're mildly interested in but don't know anyone at. You're hesistant.
I have to cut this short now, but I'll be able to rebuttal against anyone crying foul or clarify when I get back!
edit: No rebuttals which is odd, I thought this was poorly worded in areas which could easily be taken badly due to me rushing. Maybe I was wrong in that assumption then!Last edited by Sipex; 2011-10-14 at 10:49 AM.
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2011-10-14, 11:47 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2010
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
For the current discussion, I used to think of myself as abominably ugly. I think this was largely due to going to an all-guys school for six years where I was hardly ever around girls at all. When I got to college, I never noticed any special attention paid to me at first. However, after having people point out things like, "Dude, she was totally just checking you out," I got to noticing the occasional double-take or stare I might get in a different light. It's kinda similar to the compliment getting problems discussed recently; if you aren't used to getting checked out, then you probably won't interpret it as such when it does happen.
Now for a problem of my own, there is this girl who seems pretty cute that I've began noticing around campus. I've been able to introduce myself and have talked with her a couple times, but it's a little infuriating since our schedules hardly ever seem to match up enough to have a good conversation. I'm thinking that the next time I see her and have a chance to talk a little, I should ask her out to coffee or something, just for the chance of having a longer conversation. I'm just wondering if this is an alright move, since I have absolutely no experience in this sort of thing at all.
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2011-10-14, 11:49 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2009
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- Scotland/Glasgow
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
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2011-10-14, 02:30 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Aug 2006
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- Albany, NY
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
[CENTER]So You Wanna Be A DM? A Potentially Helpful Guide
Truly wonderful avatar made by Cuthalion
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2011-10-14, 02:58 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jul 2009
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
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2011-10-14, 03:40 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Jul 2007
- Location
- France
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
Other downsides: you don't get to share new stuff. You don't get to show them some of your favourite stuff and see how they react to seeing them for the first time ever. You don't get to share that part of you with them. It's something they already have at the time you meet.
And similarly, you won't get to learn about their stuff. It's awesome to be able to watch any episode of a show and remember that your significant other made you discover it. It's nice to both like a show, but in comparison I would definitely say that you get more out of not knowing the same stuff.
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2011-10-14, 03:59 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Sep 2007
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- Finland
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
Aww, shucks, I'm feeling lonely. Surrounded by beautiful, smart and likeminded young women on a daily basis, you'd think you could find one for yourself. You'd think wrong.
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2011-10-15, 02:19 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Mar 2006
- Location
- Charlottesville
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
Yeah, well, that doesn't exactly help me feel any better. If I don't know anyone finds me attractive, I don't have any reason to think someone does.
2) Nerdiness isn't always obvious in the way you recognise it. In fact, often times it's not obvious at all. You think a nerdy girl would be someone who likes D&D, video games, maybe zombies. We nerds have many likes so pick and choose the categories which match up to your likes.
Well, there are female nerds out there looking for guys who are into music and the theatre (no joke, these two groups contain a metric ton of female nerds. If only I had known in highschool, really). How many of you like music and/or theatre? I'm willing to bet it's not at the bottom of the list. Guess what, the women here, they like video games and zombies and stuff too, they're just more adamant about something slightly different.
Also, stop looking for girls with glasses.
Also, what do you do if music and theater aren't really your thing?
3) AKA_Bait said "Convert one".
Seriously, go out and do it. You'd be surprised. My girl was a music geek who was kind of into video games (but they weren't a major thing for her at the time) when we met.
Now we play halo and several other games together.
On the other hand, I'm more into music.
Couples tend to influence each other's interests like that.
4) Don't rely on the few representatives at your coveted interest gathering.
You a huge P&P gamer but the local club has 2 girls and 56 guys, what's up with that?
Truth be told, many girls don't go to these things because they don't want to be hit on by the 56 guys who are all thinking "OMFG A GIRL WHO LIKES D&D". I'm told this is a common frustration. Many women/girls have these interests and want to attend things like this but don't because of harrassment they're afraid they'll get. Even if none of the guys are actually going to hit on them they're under the impression that it's inevitable.
That's why most of the girls in the club aren't single, because they don't have to worry about it anymore so they feel free to come.
Also, often, a woman won't go to this sort of thing because they don't have someone to introduce them to it. It's like you going to a club you're mildly interested in but don't know anyone at. You're hesistant.
I have to cut this short now, but I'll be able to rebuttal against anyone crying foul or clarify when I get back!
edit: No rebuttals which is odd, I thought this was poorly worded in areas which could easily be taken badly due to me rushing. Maybe I was wrong in that assumption then!Tali avatar by the talented Thormag.
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2011-10-15, 08:05 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Sep 2008
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- UK
- Gender
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2011-10-15, 05:50 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Mar 2010
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- I smell chocolate
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
Speaking of looks, here's a crosspost from another forum!
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This is something I've seen people express different views and experiences with, some more strongly than others.
How would you feel about making some (relatively temporary) adjustment to your appearance at the request of your SO? For instance, if they asked you to:
- change your hair length/style
- wear a particular item/style of clothing/jewelry/footwear (especially heels)
- wear a particular kind of make-up
how would you react? Where would you be happy to indulge them, what would be asking too much, and where would you take offense? How would you prefer they word their request, if at all? What are your personal experiences, if any, in this area?
(Not included in this topic are more "permanent" changes such as plastic surgery, breast enhancement, and weight gain/loss, because the potential consequences are too different from those of the kinds of appearance alteration I have in mind.)Last edited by Pheehelm; 2011-10-15 at 09:55 PM.
A potent relic of the past. 'Tis said the wearer commands the wisdom of kings, and can see the unseeable.
Like the grue lurking in your bedroom waiting for you to fall asleep.
But perhaps some things are better left unseen...
Dazzling avatar by Ceika
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2011-10-15, 09:18 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
Depends on if I agree with them that it's a change for the better or not. For example, many people I've met have no idea that I don't look as good without my goatee because they've never seen me without it.
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2011-10-15, 09:40 PM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2009
- Location
- NYC
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
When it comes to style, I admit my lack of expertise. If my hypothetical Significant Other thinks it'll make me look better, I'll go for it.
Except for the makeup part. I'd actually prefer if my hypothetical girlfriend didn't wear makeup or have any artificial enhancements. Because friends have deprived me of closeness (I'm a really physically affectionate kind of person) because they didn't want me playing in their weave, and that made me feel terrible.
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2011-10-15, 10:35 PM (ISO 8601)
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- Jul 2009
- Location
- PA
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
sigh...I wrote up an absurdly long post detailing the woes of my life, realized that being written at this hour it was probably almost entirely unintelligible and deleted the whole thing.
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2011-10-16, 12:06 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2011
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
For me, it's not about what looks good. It's about what feels comfortable (which maybe just so happens to look good as well). I know that the styles I pick for myself feel comfortable. I do not know this for styles that are chosen by another person and they would have to put forward a convincing argument backed with evidence to have any chance of getting me to try it out. In particular, if it involves piercings or tattoos, my reaction will be something like this.
Furthermore, I would refrain from suggesting any change to anyone's appearance because I do not know what their comfort zone is and I trust that they do know their own comfort zone.
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2011-10-16, 05:13 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Feb 2011
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- England
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
Well, it would have to be worded something like this to start with:
"Hmmmm, you know, I think *INSERT CHANGE HERE* would like really nice on you."
My reaction at that point would be "You really think so?" with big puppydog eyes, because it's not often someone pays me a compliment.
Otherwise it just sounds like they don't like me for who I am.
But to be honest, that would only apply to my hair. I wear clothes that I like the look of and are comfortable for me to wear.
But I have never had anyone ask me to change my appearance for them ever. Of course, I've never had a significant other either.
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2011-10-16, 05:54 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Jul 2007
- Gender
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2011-10-16, 05:55 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Aug 2006
- Location
- Leeds, UK
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
Hair length, I'd have to seriously consider it. Hair style, if it was just tying it up a different way then I wouldn't mind too much and consider it. Hair dying... no. Hair straightening... they'd have to give me a very good reason to consider doing something that'd take so bloody long and so much effort with my hair.
Depends on the clothing, depends on the situation. Don't care too much about clothing, and if someone has a suggestion of something other than jeans and t-shirts that'd look good on me, and that i'd be comfortable with wearing... I'd probably go ahead.
Don't like makeup. Again, it'd have to be for a special occasion / a damn good reason."I'm just going on motive and opportunity here and the fact that if the earth got swallowed by a black hole, I'd look suspiciously in your direction first."
~ Timberwolf
"I blame Castaras. You know... In general."
~ KuReshtin
"Castaras - An absolutely adorable facade that hides a truly ruthless streak."
~ The Succubus
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2011-10-16, 06:17 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
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2011-10-16, 06:26 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2007
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- Finland
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
About 80% are already taken (including the most interesting ones, in my opinion) and I have seen no indication that any of the rest would be interested in me. If I were to ask one of them out of the blue, the reaction would be something like "What? Uh, what, no? Where did this come from?" and then "I'm not interested in you in that way..." and then "Hey girls, have you heard that Adumbration's going around asking random people out on dates? Isn't that weird?"
And that's around the point when all single women would start avoiding me like a plague. Possibly the rest too. Besides, I don't think there's such a thing as casual dating in my circle of acquaintances...
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2011-10-16, 07:56 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Dec 2008
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
I'm going to tell you something that I found immensely liberating for social contexts in general. It might sound slightly offensive and for that I apologise, but please accept it in the spirit in which I intend it. Here goes.
The random people in your life simply don't care about you that much. If you ask someone out and they're not interested they won't act offended and then start warning other people. They won't start avoiding you and whispering behind your back. All they'll do is say "thanks but no thanks" before their thoughts immediately transition to "crap, I'm late for my bus" or "did I leave the oven on?" before basically forgetting all about your conversation and going about their daily lives.
If you embarrass yourself, if you ask someone out who's not interested, it you commit a faux pas, don't sweat it. Nobody's gonna remember. Nobody cares. You're not that important. Try it. It's freeing.
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2011-10-16, 08:05 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Sep 2005
- Location
- Australia
- Gender
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2011-10-16, 08:27 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Sep 2007
- Location
- Finland
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
Perhaps an exaggaration then, but I do know for a fact that there's a residual discomfort between the rejectee and the one asked. Does not really from which side the discomfort wells from.
Besides, if I asked out all the available women in my class, how would I feel after the last one had rejected me? This isn't even a selfdeprecating question - I know these people well enough to know by now.
@Liffguard: People do gossip. Gossip does affect people's opinions. Perhaps not to the extent I exaggarated, but still.
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2011-10-16, 09:21 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- May 2007
- Location
- The Icy North
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
Difficult question, hmm. I'm a weird person - I simultaneously put much thought and little effort into my appearance, so anything that a) I'm already disinclined to do, or b) would demand more effort on my part... would be ignored.
There's also the fact that such a suggestion could easily become a big ol' hint that my S.O. doesn't know me that well. Heels, make-up, etc. aren't just an aesthetic choice, they're an identity thing as well. Asking me to start that stuff would be like telling me, "I see you differently from how you see yourself", which would be a little uncomfortable. I'm not a tomboy, not at all, but eh... okay. Getting into that whole gender/identity/looks discussion would be pretty off-topic.
Parties are usually an exception because they're made to experiment with looks, and I try not to take them too seriously anyway. I'm more inclined to wear something girly or sexy there, and to take suggestions.
Changes in colour or smaller style stuff, eh. If there's a good idea there, then why not hear it? I probably wouldn't follow it if it's too effort-demanding, though.
Hair... *snicker* I'm conditioned to ignore 80% of all hair comments - ever - because they're always "noooo why did you cut off your long hair, it was so pretty!". However, I'm always looking for suggestions and ideas for things to do with it, so I'd probably welcome any comment that accepts that my hair won't go below shoulder level again.
Truthfully, I'd LOVE my boyfriend to suggest really short hair so I'd have some encouragement to actually do it, but that's not gonna happen. Ever. Stupid "girls should have long hair" paradigm.
On the other hand, he won't grow his hair out for me either, so I guess we're even.
I actually have influenced my boyfriend's looks a little. When I met him, he liked to use hair gel, which had the unfortunate consequence that I wouldn't touch his hair at all when he used it. Apparantly hair snuggles are more important to him than looks. Whaddya know?
TL;DR: I'd resent most "girlifying" suggestions (including heels and make-up) and ignore any "grow out your hair!" cries.
Any other suggestions in hair or clothing style would be welcomed, but not necessarily followed. I trust my own judgment too much to just go with something because my S.O. requests it.
Sorry about the long, rambly post.
This. A thousand times this.Spoiler
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2011-10-16, 09:56 AM (ISO 8601)
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- Apr 2008
- Location
- Seattle, WA
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
No personal experience with people telling me X would look good (I'm allowing for good friends, as well as SO's), but most of what I do/wear is based on it being comfortable (which I why I don't wear jeans - I don't find denim comfortable), simple (which is why I cut my hair - I used to wear it down to my shoulders, but it tangled a lot and was a pain to deal with), and shirts that fit my general style (chemistry and snarky). If someone who I cared about wanted me to try a different style that wouldn't require a complete and total wardrobe change (I can't afford to do that), I'd be fine with trying it.
In terms of what I'd ask of an SO/close friend (and partly triggered by Glass Mouse's post)... if I actually thought I had any ideas worth mentioning in any kind of serious way (unlikely; I don't really pay attention to fashion), I'd probably mention it, probably in a "hey, have you ever considered X? I think it might look good on you" way. Also, it certainly wouldn't include any of the "girlifying" suggestions, since I don't find those particularly attractive (well, beyond being eye candy, sometimes; if they decide to dress like skanks, I'm willing to be a bit of a non-obvious pig).
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2011-10-16, 10:40 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2006
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- Under Mt. Ebott
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
Oh, it does, a bit. Gossip is a pastime everywhere, after all, and when this is an already pretty given to talk group by necessity (such as a class group), it's going to be mentioned by someone if only as a silly little unimportant anecdote as people are by nature given to share when making smalltalk. And if it ever happens that that gossip paints you as "desperate"... you can kiss your chances goodbye with any member of that gossip group. Nobody wants a desperate person that goes around trying to ask out everyone.
Seen it happen. Poor guy didn't get a date until he changed highschool on his last year before college.
It's why I tend to recommend not focusing your asking out on single groups like that. Without repetition, people, as Liffguard mentioned, aren't going to care much about you for the most part - you're going to just be an anecdote on the level of "I forgot to turn my lights off today" . Well, unless they don't get asked out much - then they're probably going to remember you a bit more if only for the novelty.Last edited by Drascin; 2011-10-16 at 12:57 PM.
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2011-10-16, 11:35 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Jun 2010
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
I think it comes down to how a person pitches the idea of a change. If it comes out as "I'd prefer it this way," I'd be much more insulted than if it came out as "Have you ever thought of trying X?" That answer goes for both hair and clothes.
Makeup, no. I would get really insulted if someone asked me to wear makeup, because it would say to me that my face isn't good enough as-is. I think the reason why I'm so much less comfortable with changing makeup/lack thereof versus changing my hair/clothing is because makeup has a larger societal gender stigma to it. But that's for a different thread.
As an aside, I consult on my SO's facial hair fairly often (ie whenever there's a change), but that's both because he asks and because I just state my opinions. I don't expect him to change anything because I want something a certain way, I just state my opinions so he knows them.
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2011-10-16, 11:35 AM (ISO 8601)
- Join Date
- Feb 2010
- Gender
Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title
I just got broken up with (in that "We love each other differently" way, where apparently our relationship meant more to me than it did to her) and I'm slightly disturbed that my emotional response is more out of kilter because I DON'T feel bad about being broken up with than that I'm being broken up with, and now I'm doing all sorts of psychoanalysis of myself.
Is this normal among the (slightly geeky) Playgrounder population, or am I odd?