Relationship Woes and Advice XX: One X Short of an Awesome Title

[Coidzor]

How would you feel about making some (relatively temporary) adjustment to your appearance at the request of your SO? For instance, if they asked you to:

• change your hair length/style
• wear a particular item/style of clothing/jewelry/footwear (especially heels)
• wear a particular kind of make-up

1. -

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Let's see, hair length/style, well, as much as I like having a mane of hair, I'm actually looking for a particular style to go with that suits me, and if they're going to keep being my SO they're not going to suggest something that actively looks bad, so I've got no real reason to object to doing something that's so easily changeable for the sake of increasing my sexiness.

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Well, I've never had a woman want me to wear heels except as a joke to show off how big my feet were, and then it was mostly just my feet barely perching over a dainty pair of the biggest footed woman present's shoes, and I'd probably just laugh at any who asked before crushing a pair of them underneath my bare feet to illustrate the point that I'd need custom, transvestite-targeted footwear in order to do so at all, and there's no way I was paying that kind of money, relearning how to walk, and learning to do a female voice without the aid of hormones and throat surgery without a better reason than that it would please her. Because I just don't really grok high-heeled fetishes.

If their motives were humorous rather than sexual and I was drunk, I might just accidentally crush the high heels while wearing them and putting on a show of the non sequitur and silly. Especially if a woman tall enough and either fat or buff enough was on hand to provide wardrobe.

Now as far as other things, well, when a girl buys a nice shirt and gives it to me as a present and is more amorous when I'm wearing it and with her than when I'm wearing other things, I'm going to build upon that, so long as I don't suspect it's some kind of underhanded attempt to get me to start dressing in only a certain way ever. And I have let SOs put a garter on me before we headed out somewhere as a gesture that she was going to have fun taking it off after we were no longer in the public eye...

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As for makeup, nope. Not gonna happen without some incentive or as part of costuming that I was doing primarily for myself. I'd get far too much grief for doing it to make doing it without recompense a worthwhile exchange. And, honestly, if they can't find me attractive without make-up, then they wouldn't date me, and if they can't enjoy relations without make-up, then either they've got a debilitating fetish or I've managed to get really, really bad at congress suddenly.

how would you react? Where would you be happy to indulge them, what would be asking too much, and where would you take offense? How would you prefer they word their request, if at all? What are your personal experiences, if any, in this area?

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If they didn't explain themselves, that'd be where my reaction would start. If they did, I'd pump 'em for more information. Most of the experiences I've had with this in the past have involved my girlfriend at the time trying to seduce me first, or as part of post-seduction chatting, then ask, so as long as it wasn't too weird or offensive I'd probably stall for time to think with steamy make-outs. Other than that, my reaction would either be to bargain with them, indulge them, or say no depending upon the nature and difficulty of the request.

The harder the request to grant, the more quid pro quo I'm going to expect, want, and try for if I'm willing to grant it at all. If it's something simple and easy and already carries the reward of causing my lover to be more excited and receptive then I'm probably unlikely to bargain or at least not bargain seriously.

Hard to say exactly where I'd be happy to indulge them and where the lines would be drawn offhand. Wearing a sleek light sweater out on a date is a lot different from being asked to wear an ICP t-shirt all week or anything like that. On the other hand, I have fulfilled requests that I wear an undershirt for a period of several days and not bathe so that my girl would have a token of me/new pillowcase.

About the only real rubric I can think of offhand is whether the amount of effort is a pain in the butt or if the request is just downright offensive or too kinky out of the blue. Considering actually kinky girls have never shown themselves to be into me, I suppose that last one isn't really a concern I've ever really had to contemplate and work out a response to...

I'd definitely draw the line at wearing BDSM wear in public, even if it were under clothing (though I can't recall anything I'd be willing to wear at all that would be concealable), German paraphenalia of the 1930s and 40s, or furry paraphenalia. Those are just right out. Depending upon whether I had prior conversations on the subject with them, I'd either be annoyed they'd try when they knew my feelings on the matter or outright offended and considering ending the relationship that they'd bring such things up only to request that I fulfill their fetish in an immediate way rather than respecting me both as a person and a lover. .

As for wording, hmm, that's a tough one. I think I'd prefer them to be up front about it, but most of my experience is with my highschool sweetheart who through the experiences we shared began to have a preference for me to wear certain articles of clothing that either had history or that she'd picked out especially for me, so it wasn't really so much a direct request as letting me know that she enjoyed it when I wore such things, a whole, whole lot. That, and a few times I gave her a present in the form of letting her decide how my hair was going to be cut, but that was under my own initiative rather than a request.

I guess I'd prefer, if it was something already in my wardrobe that rather than directly requesting I wear it for them, to be told directly why they wanted me wearing it more, as if they just find me wearing it sexy, then I'd prefer to know that more than anything else beyond the why because I could totally use the information of why they found me sexy in X outfit in order to put one together myself so that I owned the idea.

If it directly involves any fetishes they have, as I mentioned earlier, I would view it as disrespectful to ask me to fulfill the fetish before actually telling me anything about it, and my reception of that depends very much upon the particular fetish.

Most of my experiences involve shirts and pants that my lovers have preferred me to wear for sentimental reasons or because they found my body especially well shown off by how the clothes emphasized my form, aside from gifting the choice of my haircut which was reciprocated by being gifted the choice of her hair dye and the aforementioned garter that was mostly a prom and gallery hop thing.

I just got broken up with (in that "We love each other differently" way, where apparently our relationship meant more to me than it did to her) and I'm slightly disturbed that my emotional response is more out of kilter because I DON'T feel bad about being broken up with than that I'm being broken up with, and now I'm doing all sorts of psychoanalysis of myself.

Is this normal among the (slightly geeky) Playgrounder population, or am I odd?

You're upset because your emotional response to your breakup is psychoanalyzing yourself for not having a reaction to your breakup?

Certainly sounds exhausting, and a bit confusing.

I know I've second-guessed myself to high heaven when I've gone through a breakup with a woman I cared about. Though I've usually had an emotional response that triggered this rather than triggering it because I didn't have an emotional response to being dumped.

[Lissou]

How would you feel about making some (relatively temporary) adjustment to your appearance at the request of your SO?

That would depend on a few things:

- Do they say "I like it better when..." or do they ask me outright and expect me to do it just because they say so? I wouldn't be happy about being expected to change myself even if it was something I wouldn't have really minded.

- How important is it to them vs how important is it to me? If it's something that's pretty important to me and not very important to them, then no, I'm not going to be the one changing myself for something that they don't really care about to begin with. If it's very important to them but not to me, then I'd probably do it because I want to make them happy (provided the first point didn't go wrong). If neither of us really cares I wouldn't really have incentive to change. If it's something we both feel strongly about I'd have to see if a compromise can be reached (okay, I'll do it, but only under such circumstances, and only if you do that other thing).

In short, we'd have to talk about it, and I might or I might not, it would depend on the situation.

[NineThePuma]

You're upset because your emotional response to your breakup is psychoanalyzing yourself for not having a reaction to your breakup?

Certainly sounds exhausting, and a bit confusing.

I know I've second-guessed myself to high heaven when I've gone through a breakup with a woman I cared about. Though I've usually had an emotional response that triggered this rather than triggering it because I didn't have an emotional response to being dumped.

Yeah, confusing. Hence, asking. x3 I suppose a combination of circumstances and my Self image prepared me though.

Our breakup is confusing, cause I don't know if we're actually broken up or not.. Like, she basically said she wanted to but then we spent a couple hours cuddling and stuff. Maybe yesterday was too emotionally charged. Or something.

But now I'm listening to music and thinking about yesterday and one thing she said stands out to me.

How the crap is it "unfair for either of us" when we're in a relationship with each other that we both enjoy?

[Rawhide]

Oh, it does, a bit.

What Adumbration mentioned doesn't. But you shouldn't go around asking everyone out in a single social group (especially not in the same way, keep every request personal). Well, that is, unless you are extremely confident and know your audience well - then you might be able to get away with it.

[Coidzor]

Our breakup is confusing, cause I don't know if we're actually broken up or not.. Like, she basically said she wanted to but then we spent a couple hours cuddling and stuff. Maybe yesterday was too emotionally charged. Or something.

That's never fun.

How the crap is it "unfair for either of us" when we're in a relationship with each other that we both enjoy?

Ah, Dames. Nothing like 'em. Nothing in the world.

Sounds like either A. there's some level of dishonesty and non-openness that's been going on for a while or B. she's confused as people are wont to do, and considering the bit about how yesterday went down suggests this one is more likely if it's to be just one of 'em, though, with the way people are, generally a bit o' both if it's coming to a breakup or a yo-yo breakup.

Only one way to find out either though.

[NineThePuma]

... Yoyo breakup?

[Rawhide]

... Yoyo breakup?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTHNpusq654

[NineThePuma]

What does that have to do with (broken) ancient Filipino weapons?

[Rawhide]

What does that have to do with (broken) ancient Filipino weapons?

Nothing, it was never a weapon.

[NineThePuma]

RA Salvatore lied to me?!?! I'm gonna go cry!
Yeah, I understood it the first time. This was funnier.

[Rawhide]

RA Salvatore lied to me?!?! I'm gonna go cry!
Yeah, I understood it the first time. This was funnier.

It's not a lie if you believe it.
Yeah, sounded like you were being sarcastic.

[NineThePuma]

It's not a lie if you believe it.
Yeah, sounded like you were being sarcastic.

So if I paint the motor cycle red it'll go faster?
Well, between beating the crap outta Metaknight with the master sword and sarcasm (or, rather, being a Straight Man in the nonsexual way) I feel better. =)

[Feytalist]

This is something I've seen people express different views and experiences with, some more strongly than others.

How would you feel about making some (relatively temporary) adjustment to your appearance at the request of your SO? For instance, if they asked you to:

• change your hair length/style
• wear a particular item/style of clothing/jewelry/footwear (especially heels)
• wear a particular kind of make-up

how would you react? Where would you be happy to indulge them, what would be asking too much, and where would you take offense? How would you prefer they word their request, if at all? What are your personal experiences, if any, in this area?

The responses here are a bit strange to me. I started going around clean shaven and with short hair specifically because my girlfriend liked it. Course, now I do it because I work, and professionalism andallthat, but still. It's just a bit more effort on my part, and I'm happy to do it if it pleases her. She also likes me wearing certain colours, and it doesn't impact me either way, so I'm fine with it. She also got me wearing er, tighter fit clothes. Which took some getting used to, I must say. These were all just suggestions made by her. I simply did it on my own, because she liked it. There was no great impact to me either way.

As for me, I'd never force someone to change anything about themselves. I'd also never badger them about it constantly. I do have some likes, heels and such, but it's up to them to change. She does wear heels more often now, and skirts and such, but it's up to her, obviously, not me.

You want to look good for your SO, you know? Something like dyed hair isn't something I'd ever think about (for her or me), but I'm fine with changing the little things.

[Syka]

It depends. A guy I dated was...kinda rude regarding my way of dress and lack of make up. He said I would look loads better with make up and should dress differently (I don't remember how, exactly).

That was rude to me. Then again, just kinda a par for the course as he was mildly superficial anyway.

Ex was...fairly rude in how he asked me to go about losing weight. That one cause a bit of self-esteem issues for my next serious relationship. It was something along the lines of "I don't like your stomach, you need to lose weight." and something about my not being as attractive to him. Mind, I had NOT gained weight in this relationship, and I can't remember if it was before or after I'd lost the 20 pounds that I did before we broke up (not lost due to him).

When Oz mentioned it, he approached it from a health perspective and wanting to see me in a particular dress he liked. That, I was OK with, and I've had him helping me eat healthier etc. He was adamant that I was still attractive to him, and it had nothing to do with that- he is just worried about it.

It alllll depends on approach. Oz also mentioned he likes a certain style of dress. But it was phrased as "I like this, could you wear it more?" Not a "you would look better in this". And if I don't do it for whatever reason? He doesn't mind. I know he would LIKE me to wear my contacts more often, but he also understands why I don't.

[Keld Denar]

I tell my girlfriend how amazingly hot she is every time she wears a dress or skirt. In turn, she wears dresses and skirts more often, and I give her more compliments. I like the way she looks in them, and she likes the extra attention she gets when she wears them. We both win!

[Adumbration]

I tell my girlfriend how amazingly hot she is every time she wears a dress or skirt. In turn, she wears dresses and skirts more often, and I give her more compliments. I like the way she looks in them, and she likes the extra attention she gets when she wears them. We both win!

Do you also give out little bits of chocolate?

[Keld Denar]

No...we have "other" reward mechanisms built into our relationship. No chocolate required.

*wink wink* *nudge nudge*

[The Succubus]

No...we have "other" reward mechanisms built into our relationship. No chocolate required.

*wink wink* *nudge nudge*

Heheh, I know exactly what you mean, Keld.

You mean cookies, right?

[Coidzor]

^: I was thinking cheese fondue myself...

No...we have "other" reward mechanisms built into our relationship. No chocolate required.

*wink wink* *nudge nudge*

But... but... Chocolate makes everything better, even when it's not required.

[Maeglin_Dubh]

No...we have "other" reward mechanisms built into our relationship. No chocolate required.

*wink wink* *nudge nudge*

Nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat!

[Vent Reynolt]

Nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat!

Oh! Say no more, say no more!

Yikes! I see what you did here. You used my weakness for Monty Python to lure me out of lurking.

Um... *Fades back to lurking*

[Scoot]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTHNpusq654

Good gosh I just realized how much of this my last relationship was.

Except is was more of a 2:1 on the bad:good ratio.


Why do half of my epihanies come from either pop songs or cartoons.

It's just silly.

[Heliomance]

Hum. Chemistry continues apace, and friendship has got to the point where hugging is acceptable. And if past results are any indicator of future performance, at some point I'm going to meet the boyfriend, and he's going to be a really nice guy, so I'm not even going to have the satisfaction of being able to hate him.

Oh, and she was making disparaging comments about English cooking, so I've challenged her to dinner. She opened with spaghetti carbonara, need to think about what my first move is going to be.

[DeadManSleeping]

"Ladies and gentlemen, it's the first dinner match of the season, and let me tell you, we're both so excited to be here with you."
"We've all been waiting through the dry spell, but I think we're in for some real excitement here."
"Enough chit-chat, let's get to the game! It looks like the date's made the first move. Spaghetti carbonara!"
"A hearty dish that's just fancy enough to show off. A classic, and the perfect way to start off."
"And it looks like it's time for the counter. Oh, Dutch pancakes! You know, you don't usually see breakfast for dinner this early in the match."
"Gotta tell you Paul, I wouldn't have done that. Break tradition too early and going back to it just doesn't work out well."
"Well, Bob, looks like she's following with some Asian fare! The unexpected to face off against the unexpected."
"Oh, is that...that is! Paul, that's black pudding right there. I think this match is already coming to an end."
"Yeah, there's no coming back from that one. We'll see the response after the break."

Don't word things like that. I get these ideas.

[Pheehelm]

...at some point I'm going to meet the boyfriend, and he's going to be a really nice guy, so I'm not even going to have the satisfaction of being able to hate him.

See now, when I've been in this kind of situation, my reaction was simultaneously:

"Okay, if I have to lose out, at least I get to lose out to that guy."
"Wow, this girl has great taste. So if they break up, I have a pretty good shot!"

[Objection]

See now, when I've been in this kind of situation, my reaction was simultaneously:

"Okay, if I have to lose out, at least I get to lose out to that guy."
"Wow, this girl has great taste. So if they break up, I have a pretty good shot!"

Definitely with you on the first one.

[Coidzor]

I just use doublethink myself, since I can compartmentalize, sometimes, people's identities, so that there's cool guy I'd like to know better in one compartment and guy who is sleeping with my ex for whom I still carry a torch.

Oh, and she was making disparaging comments about English cooking, so I've challenged her to dinner. She opened with spaghetti carbonara, need to think about what my first move is going to be.

... I didn't think even the English were supposed to defend English cooking, that's why they love Indian food so much. Well, that and because Indian food is awesome...

Seems kind of hard to really counter spaghetti carbonara, shepherd's pie doesn't really seem adequate, and a nice london broil isn't really a meal on its own, so it'd be more dependent upon the sides than anything. I suppose Toad in the Hole might count if that's actually English food rather than food invented by Americans to mock English food... but even then it needs a certain something to pair with it to be a real meal. Blood pudding's pretty much right out, and all.

And I think that about sums up my knowledge of English food, aside from non-meal food-items like the various gelatins they invented just for Henry VIII, spotted ****, and meat pies. Well, aside from the pies which are an entire meal in one, but those don't really seem very dinnery, more of a luncheony thing. ...My head hurts now. x,x

Why do half of my epihanies come from either pop songs or cartoons.

It's just silly.

Part of being a geek, perhaps?

[Heliomance]

I think it was roughly equal parts "English food is bad" and "English people can't cook". The second allegation is a lot easier to defend than the first, mostly because there actually aren't that many traditional English dishes. We are the great multiculturalists, we don't actually have much of our own.

[AtlanteanTroll]

I think it was roughly equal parts "English food is bad" and "English people can't cook". The second allegation is a lot easier to defend than the first, mostly because there actually aren't that many traditional English dishes. We are the great multiculturalists, we don't actually have much of our own.

*coughs and points to America*

[Heliomance]

You inherited it from us, rebels. You inherited all the benefits of our Glorious British Empire^TM

I think I'll do a harvest loaf at some point, but that's a bit too much effort for an opening salvo. No, the best opener will probably be a nice stew of some description.