Armin's Atrociously And Audaciously Anarchic Poem Of Agony

[ArlEammon]

Deep darkness in my spirit
Wailing death comes
From within not without
What has become of me
That I can't bleed anymore
What has become of me
That I can't breathe anymore
Deep darkness has touched my spirit
Corrupting what was never born
Into becoming that which should never be

I need to live in a world of magic.
All that I have is dust,
A reeking tomb stinking of death and decay,
The real world is infested with rats.

The future is ahead of me, shining brightly.
Even though I know the darkness is only a shadow passing overhead,
my soul is wilted in old age.

Tears descending from a silvery moon. Nocturnal bodies taste sweet ambrosia as madness takes one lonely man on a voyage through the oceans of anguishing discord. Not even shadows to comfort me until they see I am of use for their thirst for blood. A sacrifice forever to meet the desires of their heart.

Forever lost at sea. As I thirst for water to drink there is only blood keeping the vessel afloat. Where before the seas were merely made from my tears, now I am dry inside. My bones do not lie, but I am a corpse still lost. Cursed to never meet land again. I think I see something close.

What is it that I see other than another ship, devoid of life. There is no living ahead for me. No hope, I will never dream again without fear.

[Omeganaut]

I just don't know if I can call this a poem. It is discriptive prose, but you fail to do anything with the stanza, line, or even rhythmic structure. There is no rhythm to the poem, and the phrases do not flow together. The opposite of ordered poetry isn't free-verse, its thick, tough to read prose. I hate to be so negative, but I think this work could use a re-conceptualization and a rewrite before I or any reviewer can delve into anything specific.

I'm assuming you posted this up here so others can read it and react to it, as this is a forum.