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  1. - Top - End - #451
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Arkhosia's Avatar

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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    I think being a nerd in anything helps most of the time.
    I'm a roman history nerd, and I now call Hannibal the conquerer one of the best generals ever: he pretty much invented tactics such as the pincer movement, iirc.
    "Are we living a life that is safe from harm? Of course not, we never are. But that's not the right question. The question is: are we living a life that is worth the harm?"
    ~Welcome to Night Vale

    Spoiler: Quotes from Friends <3
    Show
    Quote Originally Posted by SliiArhem
    Arkh I may be slightly delirious but I don't think that would make sense even if I was coherent.

    Interested in the Nexus FFRP setting? Try joining our Discord server!

  2. - Top - End - #452
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    BlackDragon

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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    @Mebecronc's comments to my critique
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    I frequently have verb tense issues. I even picked up a grammar book just for the section on verb tenses. Everytime I think I got it down ... argh. I would be happy if you did point out where else it is wrong. I will try to get it worked out soon.
    I'd be happy to. Are you aiming to write the story entirely in present tense?

    This is actually a style choice I use. I've seen it with other authors and adopted it myself. Basically, I use quotations when the character speaks aloud, and "single quotations" (apostrophes) when they are thinking to themselves.
    Huh, never heard of that.

    I do intend to have her be very expressive with her wings at times. Reflecting emotions and gesturing with the conversation I didn't want to do it here because I wanted the reader to assume that the ranger might be in denial. A "She's just a girl in an angel costume" sort of deal. If her wings started moving organically then all uncertainty would be blown away.

    As for a particular false assumption I am going to tackle that in a semi-(Ask-Me-Anything) style.

    (Jessica takes the keyboard)

    "Good afternoon, or morning, whenever you read this. My name is Jessica. I'm so glad you enjoyed my story so far. However, you seem to be a little mistaken about one thing.

    Oh, sorry. I don't mean to offend. The mistake is understandable, but I'm not an angel.

    My Dad is an ascended deva, and my mom is human. So, I'm half-deva. Devas are very much like angels. We both have feathery wings. However, angels have more than just two. Among other differences.

    As for wing etiquette, I'm sorry, but I never learned anything about that. The only other person I know with wings is my Dad, and all he knows of etiquette he learned from the four thousand years he lived on Earth. Well, at least, that is all he taught me.

    As for his life before living on Earth, well, he doesn't talk about it.

    I hope that clears some things up, and thank you so much for reading the first chapter. If you have any more questions, please feel free to share them with me."
    Apologies for my ignorance, dearest Jessica. The mistake will not be made twice. Otherwise Mya may disown me as author/malevolent god figure.


    @Mebecronc's critique
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    I find the color blue to be more associated with calm and relaxing, like the ocean wave on a beach. Neutral, however, I find more synonymous with apathy. While calm is not a very "energetic" emotion, it is still an emotion. This is more an art critique, though.
    I meant that it was made more eerie, not more neutral. Her eyes are unnaturally blue. As in bright, electric, almost glowing blue and it's an important point because everyone with Collins blood has that eye color, even if the non-Collins parent had brown. I'm going to have to reword it here and try to introduce it again later. Perhaps I'll scrap it as a concept if I can't get it introduced in the next snippet. It's sort of difficult when your characters don't have a concept of Mendelian genetics or neon signage. Hence eyes that are some how striking and neutral simultaneously...

    "I said with an undoubtedly unstable grin" sounds better than "no doubt".

    "I said with an uneven grin." works better for me, though. Subtlety.
    Hm...I like that. Less self-aware. Thanks!

    I thought she had complete control of her emotions?
    Yeah. She chooses to feel them. Wouldn't you?

    Sam ... wise Gamgee. When did you get a sex change?
    Christ! The one character I didn't name! THE ONE!

  3. - Top - End - #453
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    mebecronck's Avatar

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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    @PaperMustache
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    I'd be happy to. Are you aiming to write the story entirely in present tense?
    Yup, present tense.

    Huh, never heard of that.
    I will see if I can find those books and give you some examples.

    I meant that it was made more eerie, not more neutral. Her eyes are unnaturally blue. As in bright, electric, almost glowing blue and it's an important point because everyone with Collins blood has that eye color, even if the non-Collins parent had brown. I'm going to have to reword it here and try to introduce it again later. Perhaps I'll scrap it as a concept if I can't get it introduced in the next snippet. It's sort of difficult when your characters don't have a concept of Mendelian genetics or neon signage. Hence eyes that are some how striking and neutral simultaneously...
    Perhaps illustrate how the here eerily blue eyes overpower her generally neutral expression. Just a thought.

    Hm...I like that. Less self-aware. Thanks!
    No problem. Glad to help.

    Yeah. She chooses to feel them. Wouldn't you?
    Are you a fan of Star Trek? I was imagining something along the lines of a Vulcan. They choose to remain logical and repress their emotions.

    Christ! The one character I didn't name! THE ONE!
    I loled. I couldn't help but note the similarities, but with the name it was so obvious.

    Some of Murphy's other laws.
    "Professionals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs."
    "No plan survives the first contact intact."
    "If it's stupid, but it works, it isn't stupid."
    -Capt. Edward A. Murphy-
    Newton's Law of the Road
    "The object with more mass has the right-of-way."

  4. - Top - End - #454
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Arkhosia's Avatar

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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    Quote Originally Posted by PaperMustache View Post
    So I totally read and fixed my old snippet according the your critiques a couple months ago, but somehow didn't respond to them on here...that was pretty rude of me. Thank you so much. Here's the second part.

    Need to Move
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    I ran to my sister's house in a haze, stumbling through the cobblestone streets of Driscol at sun down. I passed stone buildings, houses, businesses, the temple of Sarenrae where I had promised to meet Sam. Every person I passed seemed a potential threat, every stray cat an assailant with a poison tipped arrow. My home was suddenly terrifying, but when I was a child I walked these streets without fear. It was either out of childish bravery or because I knew my dad was usually watching me, scrying from a little silver mirror in the library.

    "Hi, Dad." I muttered reflexively as I always did when I thought he might be watching. Then I shivered, remembering what I was running from.

    I was panting and in a sweat by the time I reached my sister's house. There were no lights on inside and I worried that perhaps she had already left on another adventure. I pounded on the door angrily. Didn't she know I needed her?!

    Mercifully, a light inside answered me and my sister appeared in the doorway. She was sweaty and panting from training. Her long brown hair hang in greasy tangles, but her eyes were ever calm. Eerily neutral, made more so by their shocking blue color. I was used to it. My sister's training involved complete control of her emotions. It usually took her a minute to focus and find the right one.

    "Mya." She stated in monotone before expression returned to her face, a surprised smile. "Mya! Hey. What are you doing here? It's getting late."

    "Hey, sis!" I said with a no doubt unstable looking grin. "Remember that one time when we were kids when you offered to teach me swordplay?"

    "I remember a few times." She replied, looking worried. "I also remember you insisting that a mighty wizard did not sully his hands with the barbarism of combat."

    "And then you said I was a sorcerer..."

    "And a girl!"

    "So I got really mad and hit you. Then Dad got really mad at me, lectured me about never hurting my sister, and grounded me for a month. Speaking of hurting things, can I come in?"

    "Uh...you don't look so well, sis." She opened the door wider and I hurried past her, heading to the back room where she kept her training equipment. "You want me to make you some tea?"

    "No, I'm taking you up on that training offer." I called over my shoulder.

    She jogged to keep up with me, leading me into her training room. A wide space with a floor length mirror to cover the back wall. Five wooden training dummies lined the wall adjacent to the entrance, and on it's opposite a wide array of weaponry. My sister sighed and tossed me a wooden training sword.

    "Alright, get into position." She demonstrated a simple fighting stance.

    I tried to copy it, but the look she gave told me I was somehow doing it wrong. I gave an impatient sigh and tried to move my feet closer together, thinking maybe that was what she wanted.

    "Uh...a little wider. Feet apart like me." She offered, demonstrating exactly what I thought I was already doing.

    I spread my legs comically too far, feeling my muscles protest.

    "There. Just like that." She encouraged. She had to be joking. "Alright, we'll start off with a few basic swings. Like this." She swung her blade and took a step forward so that it connected with mine with a cathartic clack. She stepped back. "See how I keep the stance? Now you try."

    I jumped forward and brought the blade down as fast as I could and was rewarded with a louder, more satisfying crack.

    "No, look at your feet. You need to keep a deep stance." She tapped my feet, trying to guide them apart. "Try again.

    I jumped forward again, hitting as hard as I could. The sound of wood on wood was wonderful and distracting.

    "You know if you just want to hit something, we can spar I guess. You won't learn anything though." She reprimanded.

    I took it as an invitation, swinging the blade over and over again, backwards and forwards, just to hear the comforting sound of impact.

    Inara looked concerned as she blocked my attacks. "This is about Dad, isn't it? He told you."

    "Told me what?" I growled, swinging again harder.

    "About his..." She parried, searching for a polite word. "Condition."

    "You knew?" I struck clumsily with the back swing instead of resetting the sword.

    "Mom told me about a month ago. She was really stressed." She stepped out of the way of my attack easily.

    "Well no one told me." I huffed.

    "He wanted to tell you himself. You always were his favorite." I caught a twinge if jealousy that made me want to slap her. I swung high, aiming for her cheek.

    She brought her blade up to catch it in surprise. "Well I don't see the big deal. I kill monsters all the time. I get paid for it!"

    "It wasn't the same." Thinking about it made my heart pump faster and I swung again to relieve the energy.

    She dodged it again. "Well you've never liked fighting...until now apparently. You sure you aren't over reacting?"

    I bristled. "I am going to slaughter your wife and your children." I muttered quietly.

    "What?"

    I lashed out, quoting my father's taunts. "I am going to make them watch you die! They will know that you failed them before I tear their eyes from their skulls. The taste of their own blood will be the last thing they ever know!" I struck over and over again, screaming threats. Inara blocked them all, letting the clatter of wood on wood echo in the room. I finally dropped the blade and sunk to my knees, exhausted and whimpering. Tears filled my eyes as Inara pulled me into her lap.

    "Shh, little sister. It's okay." She whispered, stroking my hair.

    "And then I killed one." I mumbled.

    "You did?"

    "It was going to hurt him and...and it was my dad. I couldn't let him get hurt."

    She rocked me back and forth. "You saved Dad. That isn't a bad thing."

    I clung to my sister and cried for a long time. I cried for my father and the pain he must have felt for needing to kill. I cried for the kobold that I killed. I cried because I was confused. I cried because I didn't want to cry any more.

    "I need to move." I muttered quietly. "I can't stay here."

    "Mya, I think you should go home and rest."

    "No!" I said quickly. "I have to move! I need a project...a distraction."

    "Mya, you aren't making any sense."

    "When are you leaving?"

    "Uh...day after tomorrow."

    "For where?"

    "Tel'dorsil. The elven city in the north. It's kind of a vacation. We're going to pick up jobs on the way and try to make it for their big summer festival."

    "Elves...that's where mom's parents are from. Right?" I asked thoughtfully.

    "Yeah."

    "The brotherhood doesn't have any contacts there...it's completely dark." I got up and started pacing.

    "How do you know that? You never joined."

    "Because I've done independent work for them, and because I read all of dads papers when he thinks I think he isn't looking."

    "When he thinks...you think?"

    "He's the leader of the single largest and best equipped information network on this continent. Of course he's looking, and of course he knows I know he's looking. But as long as I don't let on that I know, I'm sort of pseudo-allowed to read his stuff."

    She blinked in confusion.

    "Because if he officially knew he'd have to kill me? It's in the charter."

    "The charter that you aren't allowed to read."

    "Officially. Yes, but that doesn't matter any more."

    "It doesn't?"

    "No, because I'm going to join the Brotherhood and establish contacts within Tel'dorsil."

    "You are?"

    "Yes."

    "Why?"

    "Because I need to move!" I explained for what seemed like the millionth time.

    "So you're coming with us."

    "If you'll have me."

    She sighed. "I've been trying to get you out of this city...hell, out of that library your entire life. Of course you're welcome."

    I kissed her forehead. "Thanks, sis. I'll see you the day after tomorrow. I have to make preparations!"

    "Take care of yourself, Mya." She smiled uncertainly.

    "Always." I answered, showing myself out.

    I started heading for home. If my dad was still up I could arrange to be inducted into the organization immediately. The streets were less crowded and less fearsome than they had been before. The stone roads and familiar buildings no longer held terror for me, but nor did they feel much like home anymore. I passed the temple of Sarenrae without much thought until I heard a commotion from the rooftop. I glanced up to see a familiar mop of short blonde hair shining in the moonlight as Sam climbed down from the roof.

    "Mya!" She called. "Mya! Wait up! I know that's you damnit! I'd recognize that grey blob anywhere."

    I stopped and waited for her to catch up. Sometimes I forgot how bad her eyesight was with the way she moved, scrambling up walls as easily as she would dash across a street.

    "Hey, Sam." I called as she landed. I was relieved to see both feet on the ground.

    "Mya I'm gonna punch you! You said you'd meet me!" She looked angry as she approached, but her clouded eyes were smiling. She was beautiful in this pale lighting, like an angel wreathed in holy radiance.

    "I'm sorry, Sammie. I lost track of time." I wondered briefly if I might kiss her before I left. I knew she wouldn't kiss me back, but it might be worth it if I was not going to see her for a few months.

    She punched me and broke into a wide grin. "That's okay. We'll hang out tomorrow."

    "Maybe...I might be too busy."

    "Busy with what?"

    "Packing. I'm heading out with Inara's group the day after tomorrow."

    "Oh. So how long are we going to be gone? I should tell my dad."

    "We? Sam, you probably shouldn't come with me."

    "Why not?"

    "Well, I'm finally going to join the Brotherhood."

    "Cool! When are we signing up?" She grinned impishly.

    "Tonight if at all possible. What's all this "we" business? You've never shown any interest in the Brotherhood before."

    "Well you were always cagey about joining before."

    "But I've thought about it! At length. It's a life oath, Sammie. It's kind of a big deal."

    "We're best friends, right?"

    "Of course we are..."

    "Are we going to stop being best friends?"

    "Well, no."

    "And if you join the brotherhood and go off on all kinds of awesome adventures without me, am I ever going to see you again?"

    "Of course you are, I'll be back in a few months."

    "Mya Collins, I've been begging you to go on a trip with me for years!"

    "That doesn't mean you have to sign your life away to the Brotherhood for me."

    She looped her arm around mine. "You're not getting rid of me that easily. Wherever you go, I'm going to."

    I sighed, smiling at her touch. "Thanks Sam, I don't know what I'd do without you."
    Great job! You did very well with the whole insanity factor, and I love the contrast between Sam and Mya.
    "Are we living a life that is safe from harm? Of course not, we never are. But that's not the right question. The question is: are we living a life that is worth the harm?"
    ~Welcome to Night Vale

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    Quote Originally Posted by SliiArhem
    Arkh I may be slightly delirious but I don't think that would make sense even if I was coherent.

    Interested in the Nexus FFRP setting? Try joining our Discord server!

  5. - Top - End - #455
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    BlackDragon

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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    @Mebecronc Don't get discouraged. Herein lies your massive tense correction EXTRAVAGANZA!
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    This is the first time it was out of sight, and now all she sees is water in all directions.
    *is

    She felt like she couldn't fly any further. She needed a place to rest and use her healing power to refresh her muscles.
    *feels
    *can't
    *needs

    She thought about just landing in the water and resting, but that could just as dangerous in the open ocean.
    *thinks, although it might flow better if you say she "considers just landing in the water..." rather than "thinks about."

    It wasn't the mainland and she knew it. As she flew in she could tell that it is an island. An island far bigger than the one she grew up in, but an island none the less.
    *isn't
    *knows
    *flies
    *can

    'Land,' she thought, 'I almost can't believe it.' Seeing land brought her renewed vigor. She made straight for it like an arrow just let loose from the bow. She found a nice flat spot to land and collapsed to the ground.
    *thinks
    *brings
    *makes
    *finds
    *collapses

    "Oh, thank you Land." She said laying face down, moving her hands across the dirt as if trying to hug it.
    *says

    It wasn't the mainland, though, and she knew it. As she flew in she could tell that it is an island. An island far bigger than the one she grew up in, but an island none the less. Where she landed had rocky outcroppings on the shore side and dense vegetation inland. The midday Sun was beating heavily on her. She would raise her wings to increase the shade, but they are too sore to move. That burst of adrenaline has worn off and now she just feels the crash of exhaustion.
    *Okay, this first line isn't technically incorrect I don't think because it's referring to the relative past, but it is awkward. Perhaps try, "Surrounding her is..." or "She finds herself in a place that has..."
    *is

    She chuckled to herself, feeling very silly in hindsight.
    *chuckles

    "There is no way I'm selling this ring, dad!" Jessica shouted, caught up in the memory. She hesitated for a moment. Her Father has the power to remotely view other locations, and he regularly checks in on her. Not from a lack of trust, but just because he worries. If he was listening in at this moment he might respond. When no answer came she let out a sigh of relief.
    *shouts
    *hesitates
    *is
    *comes
    *lets

    When she wears the ring it would make her wings seem to disappear.
    *will

    For some reason, this vow had more impact this time.
    *has


    @Arkhosia Thank you!
    Last edited by PaperMustache; 2013-07-26 at 02:39 PM.

  6. - Top - End - #456
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Arkhosia's Avatar

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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    You're welcome! Always happy to help when it comes to characters with either
    A. A dark backstory
    B. A chaotic alignment
    C. A creative backstory

    I can say for sure that your character meets 2 of those!
    Also, my character is sort of similar to yours, so it's only natural I took interest.
    "Are we living a life that is safe from harm? Of course not, we never are. But that's not the right question. The question is: are we living a life that is worth the harm?"
    ~Welcome to Night Vale

    Spoiler: Quotes from Friends <3
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    Quote Originally Posted by SliiArhem
    Arkh I may be slightly delirious but I don't think that would make sense even if I was coherent.

    Interested in the Nexus FFRP setting? Try joining our Discord server!

  7. - Top - End - #457
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    mebecronck's Avatar

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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    @PaperMustache
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    Thanks for the help. I made all the appropriate changes, and I edited some sections to make it sound a little better. Feel free to re-re-read it and tell me what you think.

    Also, I see the scratched out section. Eh, I must have copied and pasted instead of cut and pasted. I meant to just move it.


    @Arkhosia
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    You asked if your character could/should become a paladin. I don't think, so. Paladins are very lawful and you describe your character chaotic to say the least. Also, paladins are very religious and live by a strict doctrine. In 3.5 there are variants to allow for chaotic paladins. I recommend you look up Unearthed Arcana and check out the Paladin of Freedom. It won't be a perfect fit, but it is the closest for your character.


    Well, off to work on Chapter 2!

    Some of Murphy's other laws.
    "Professionals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs."
    "No plan survives the first contact intact."
    "If it's stupid, but it works, it isn't stupid."
    -Capt. Edward A. Murphy-
    Newton's Law of the Road
    "The object with more mass has the right-of-way."

  8. - Top - End - #458
    Halfling in the Playground
     
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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    Here it is. Chapter 2 .... part 1.

    I actually got more planned. This is just the first draft, F.Y.I.

    This is now just Chapter 2.

    Spoiler
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    Jessica's Misadventures
    in High School

    Chapter 2
    Advent Angel?

    "Maybe taking it slow wasn't a good idea. It didn't seem that far on the map." Hindsight catches up with her again. Jessica thought that if she took the flight slow that her wings won't be so sore when she reaches California. The Sun is starting to set behind her, and she is having a hard time keeping altitude. On top of that, she is getting hungry.

    Just when she was starting to think that the map is wrong or that perhaps she got turned around in the flight, the shoreline comes into view. Sandy beaches greeting her with gentle waves. What at a distance she assumed is marine life she now realizes is actually boats rocking in the water.

    A smile spreads across her face, "Land! Our second reunion of the day is even better than our first." She is so enthusiastic to meet the people and see the sights, but common sense takes over. 'I must calm myself. This is my first impression, and I must present myself calmly. Politely.'

    She wants to use every last ounce of energy she has and shoot directly for the shore, but she contains her enthusiasm and lands gracefully on the sandy beach. With both feet on the ground and an upright posture she readies herself to take a proper bow and introduce herself.

    Before she starts to arch over, she takes a look around to see the people surrounding her. She sees women in bikinis and men in swim briefs and shorts with bare chests. To her, though, it looks like everyone is in their underwear. Her eyes open wide and pupils dilate. Her face flushes red and her mouth hangs open.

    At the same time everyone on the beach stares at her with a mix of confusion. At first silent, then gossip spreads as everyone compares notes to what they see. A young girl with feathered wings dressed in white robes just emerged from the setting sun. Several of them hold up smart phones and other digital recorders, a few even captured the moment she flew in.

    Once the mob starts to calm, one young man in swim briefs approaches her. "Excuse me, are you ..." He begins.

    "YOU ARE ALL NAKED!" Jessica interrupts. She closes her eyes and covers her face. She starts running forward. She is not thinking. She just wants to get away. Everytime she bumps into someone else she becomes more panicked.

    'What world of depravity and indecency did I come to?' Her thoughts race in various directions as she tries to purge the image of barely clothed bodies from it. She soon feels the ground beneath becomes very sturdy. She can hear the footfalls of her sandals, and the sound of a wail accompanied by a metallic ring.

    This is the sound of a police siren and the sound of its breaks. She just ran into a busy street and the police cruiser almost ran her over. She is almost too afraid to open her eyes and look to see what made the noise. Slowly she pulled her hands away from her eyes. She can feel the wetness of tears on her cheeks. When she opens her eyes her vision is blurry for just a moment as she blinks away fresh tears.

    She can see the people outside stores and house dressed in shirts and shorts. She sees vehicles in the streets that resemble the descriptions in some of her newer novels and short stories, but only barely. She also sees the police cruiser that nearly ran her over, flashing red and blue lights dance on top of it.

    Officer Watson steps out of the cruiser from the passenger side. She can see the look of distress upon the young girls face. Watson concern for her makes her disregard the wings. "Is everything alright, miss? Are you hurt?"

    "What do you think you're doing?!" Officer Garcia emerges from the drivers side, expressing the fear he feels from almost running over a pedestrian the only way he knows how. With anger. "Do you know that I almost ran you over? And what the hell is with the costume? Do you think this is Hallo..."

    "Garcia!" Watson interrupts. "Can't you see she is in trouble."

    "The kind of trouble that needs an asylum I bet." Garcia retorts.

    Jessica turns her eyes to Officer Watson. She sees a middle aged woman in a blue uniform with dark tanned skin and black hair. She has a distinctive scar over her right eyebrow. Watson approaches her slowly. She talks to her in a calm voice, saying things like, "Everything is okay. You can trust me."

    "There are naked people on the beach." Jessica says as she runs up to her and wraps her arms around her. She lays her head on the cop's shoulder and continues to cry. Her wings sulk low behind her.

    Watson is surprised by this. Not only because the girl ran up to her and embraced her, but from the fluid movement of her wings. 'They must be animatronic.' She tries to explain it away. After the shock wears off Watson realizes what the young girl just said. 'This is not a nude beach, and this girl is definitely underage. If some pervert flashed her'

    "Garcia, can you check to see who is exposing themselves on the beach? I will stay with her." Watson said, her eyebrows arch sharply, the scar accenting the expression. She wraps her arms around the young girl as she tries to calm her.

    "Fine. I will go chase down the naked man." Garcia says sardonically, although he is happy for a excuse to try out his new taser. Especially on a pervert. As he walks towards the beach he unbuttons the pouch for the taser.

    Watson guides the young girl to the cruiser. She opens the back passenger door and says, "Please take a seat, and you can tell me what happened." Watson does her best to present a calm face and hide the fury that is boiling inside. She has a particular hatred for perverts and pedophiles.

    Jessica sits down in the back of the cruiser. She leaves her feet on the pavement outside, and wraps her wings around her arms so that she can sit comfortably. Watson couldn't help but be surprised, again, by the natural movement of the girl's wings. Jessica didn't notice her reaction. Her head is lowered and she is looking at the ground.

    "I'm so sorry." Jessica says sheepishly. "I'm making a poor first impression."

    "You don't need to apologize." Watson snaps back to reality at the soft and meek tone of the young girl's voice, reminding her that she is a victim. "You didn't do ..."

    "Watson!" Garcia's alarmed voice calls from behind her. Watson turns around to see Garcia is standing in front of a mob of beach-goers, all wrapped in beach towels. The angry expressions on their faces makes her heart sink in her chest.

    "This is not good." Watson whispers to herself.

    Garcia begins to slowly away, his right hand sticking close to his firearm in case things turn violent. He says a few quick prayers in his mind, the most important is, 'Please let me get to my car alive.'

    Voices emerge from the mob, "What are they doing?" "They are arresting the angel." "We are sorry we offended you, angel." "The police want to throw the angel in jail!" "Let the angel go." The mob slowly grows more and more angry.

    "Did I do something wrong?" Jessica says, afraid that she caused this reaction.

    "It's okay, just stay in the ..." Watson is cut off short when a brick hits her in the head.

    "Get in the car!" Garcia shouts as he runs for the driver's door. Watson, unbalanced by the impact gets in the back. Jessica moves to other side give her room. Watson barely gets the door closed before the mob is banging on side of the cruiser. Garcia gets into the driver's seat and gets the cruiser running. Through the windshield he can see the swarm of humans has spread in front of the cruiser and on the hood.

    If this was any other cop, they might have thought twice before stepping on the gas. Garcia isn't any other cop. Garcia slams his foot on the gas pedal and lets momentum take care of the unwanted hitch hikers.

    Watson is spread out across the backseat, her head lying in Jessica's lap. Blood is pouring from an open wound on the back her head, and staining Jessica's white robes.

    "Tell ... Garcia ... hospital ... please." Watson's voice is weak and the blood is flowing fast from the wound. Jessica lays her hand on top of Watson's head. She closes her eyes and focuses positive energy into the wound.

    A surge of bright light erupts from the backseat. Garcia slams on the brake in a panic. "What the hell was that!" Garcia screams as he looks over his shoulder. He already put a couple of miles between them and the beach, so it couldn't be the angry mob shooting at him.

    Watson suddenly feels new life flow through her. She was feeling cold and drained, but now she feels relaxed. She feels stronger than she felt in years with renewed energy. She lifts herself up from Jessica's lap. Slowly she raises her hand to feel the wound on the back of her head.

    "The ... it ... how?" Watson is surprised. Though still bloody the gash is gone.

    "I wanted to make sure you are okay." Jessica says, feeling that she might have over done it.

    "Who are you?" Watson says slowly.

    "My name is Jessica. I'm sorry to cause you so much trouble."
    Last edited by mebecronck; 2013-07-27 at 08:36 PM. Reason: Chapter status update

    Some of Murphy's other laws.
    "Professionals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs."
    "No plan survives the first contact intact."
    "If it's stupid, but it works, it isn't stupid."
    -Capt. Edward A. Murphy-
    Newton's Law of the Road
    "The object with more mass has the right-of-way."

  9. - Top - End - #459
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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    Quote Originally Posted by mebecronck View Post
    Here it is. Chapter 2 .... part 1.

    I actually got more planned. This is just the first draft, F.Y.I.

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    Jessica's Misadventures
    in High School

    Chapter 2
    Advent Angel?

    "Maybe taking it slow wasn't a good idea. It didn't seem that far on the map." Hindsight catches up with her again. Jessica thought that if she took the flight slow that her wings won't be so sore when she reaches California. The Sun is starting to set behind her, and she is having a hard time keeping altitude. On top of that, she is getting hungry.

    Just when she was starting to think that the map is wrong or that perhaps she got turned around in the flight, the shoreline comes into view. Sandy beaches greeting her with gentle waves. What at a distance she assumed is marine life she now realizes is actually boats rocking in the water.

    A smile spreads across her face, "Land! Our second reunion of the day is even better than our first." She is so enthusiastic to meet the people and see the sights, but common sense takes over. 'I must calm myself. This is my first impression, and I must present myself calmly. Politely.'

    She wants to use every last ounce of energy she has and shoot directly for the shore, but she contains her enthusiasm and lands gracefully on the sandy beach. With both feet on the ground and an upright posture she readies herself to take a proper bow and introduce herself.

    Before she starts to arch over, she takes a look around to see the people surrounding her. She sees women in bikinis and men in swim briefs and shorts with bare chests. To her, though, it looks like everyone is in their underwear. Her eyes open wide and pupils dilate. Her face flushes red and her mouth hangs open.

    At the same time everyone on the beach stares at her with a mix of confusion. At first silent, then gossip spreads as everyone compares notes to what they see. A young girl with feathered wings dressed in white robes just emerged from the setting sun. Several of them hold up smart phones and other digital recorders, a few even captured the moment she flew in.

    Once the mob starts to calm, one young man in swim briefs approaches her. "Excuse me, are you ..." He begins.

    "YOU ARE ALL NAKED!" Jessica interrupts. She closes her eyes and covers her face. She starts running forward. She is not thinking. She just wants to get away. Everytime she bumps into someone else she becomes more panicked.

    'What world of depravity and indecency did I come to?' Her thoughts race in various directions as she tries to purge the image of barely clothed bodies from it. She soon feels the ground beneath becomes very sturdy. She can hear the footfalls of her sandals, and the sound of a wail accompanied by a metallic ring.

    This is the sound of a police siren and the sound of its breaks. She just ran into a busy street and the police cruiser almost ran her over. She is almost too afraid to open her eyes and look to see what made the noise. Slowly she pulled her hands away from her eyes. She can feel the wetness of tears on her cheeks. When she opens her eyes her vision is blurry for just a moment as she blinks away fresh tears.

    She can see the people outside stores and house dressed in shirts and shorts. She sees vehicles in the streets that resemble the descriptions in some of her newer novels and short stories, but only barely. She also sees the police cruiser that nearly ran her over, flashing red and blue lights dance on top of it.

    Officer Watson steps out of the cruiser from the passenger side. She can see the look of distress upon the young girls face. Watson concern for her makes her disregard the wings. "Is everything alright, miss? Are you hurt?"

    "What do you think you're doing?!" Officer Garcia emerges from the drivers side, expressing the fear he feels from almost running over a pedestrian the only way he knows how. With anger. "Do you know that I almost ran you over? And what the hell is with the costume? Do you think this is Hallo..."

    "Garcia!" Watson interrupts. "Can't you see she is in trouble."

    "The kind of trouble that needs an asylum I bet." Garcia retorts.

    Jessica turns her eyes to Officer Watson. She sees a middle aged woman in a blue uniform with dark tanned skin and black hair. She has a distinctive scar over her right eyebrow. Watson approaches her slowly. She talks to her in a calm voice, saying things like, "Everything is okay. You can trust me."

    "There are naked people on the beach." Jessica says as she runs up to her and wraps her arms around her. She lays her head on the cop's shoulder and continues to cry. Her wings sulk low behind her.

    Watson is surprised by this. Not only because the girl ran up to her and embraced her, but from the fluid movement of her wings. 'They must be animatronic.' She tries to explain it away. After the shock wears off Watson realizes what the young girl just said. 'This is not a nude beach, and this girl is definitely underage. If some pervert flashed her'

    "Garcia, can you check to see who is exposing themselves on the beach? I will stay with her." Watson said, her eyebrows arch sharply, the scar accenting the expression. She wraps her arms around the young girl as she tries to calm her.

    "Fine. I will go chase down the naked man." Garcia says sardonically, although he is happy for a excuse to try out his new taser. Especially on a pervert. As he walks towards the beach he unbuttons the pouch for the taser.

    Watson guides the young girl to the cruiser. She opens the back passenger door and says, "Please take a seat, and you can tell me what happened." Watson does her best to present a calm face and hide the fury that is boiling inside. She has a particular hatred for perverts and pedophiles.

    Jessica sits down in the back of the cruiser. She leaves her feet on the pavement outside, and wraps her wings around her arms so that she can sit comfortably. Watson couldn't help but be surprised, again, by the natural movement of the girl's wings. Jessica didn't notice her reaction. Her head is lowered and she is looking at the ground.

    "I'm so sorry." Jessica says sheepishly. "I'm making a poor first impression."

    "You don't need to apologize." Watson snaps back to reality at the soft and meek tone of the young girl's voice, reminding her that she is a victim. "You didn't do ..."

    "Watson!" Garcia's alarmed voice calls from behind her. Watson turns around to see Garcia is standing in front of a mob of beach-goers, all wrapped in beach towels. The angry expressions on their faces makes her heart sink in her chest.

    "This is not good." Watson whispers to herself.

    Garcia begins to slowly away, his right hand sticking close to his firearm in case things turn violent. He says a few quick prayers in his mind, the most important is, 'Please let me get to my car alive.'

    Voices emerge from the mob, "What are they doing?" "They are arresting the angel." "We are sorry we offended you, angel." "The police want to throw the angel in jail!" "Let the angel go." The mob slowly grows more and more angry.

    "Did I do something wrong?" Jessica says, afraid that she caused this reaction.

    "It's okay, just stay in the ..." Watson is cut off short when a brick hits her in the head.

    "Get in the car!" Garcia shouts as he runs for the driver's door. Watson, unbalanced by the impact gets in the back. Jessica moves to other side give her room. Watson barely gets the door closed before the mob is banging on side of the cruiser. Garcia gets into the driver's seat and gets the cruiser running. Through the windshield he can see the swarm of humans has spread in front of the cruiser and on the hood.

    If this was any other cop, they might have thought twice before stepping on the gas. Garcia isn't any other cop. Garcia slams his foot on the gas pedal and lets momentum take care of the unwanted hitch hikers.

    Watson is spread out across the backseat, her head lying in Jessica's lap. Blood is pouring from an open wound on the back her head, and staining Jessica's white robes.

    "Tell ... Garcia ... hospital ... please." Watson's voice is weak and the blood is flowing fast from the wound. Jessica lays her hand on top of Watson's head. She closes her eyes and focuses positive energy into the wound.

    A surge of bright light erupts from the backseat. Garcia slams on the brake in a panic. "What the hell was that!" Garcia screams as he looks over his shoulder. He already put a couple of miles between them and the beach, so it couldn't be the angry mob shooting at him.

    Watson suddenly feels new life flow through her. She was feeling cold and drained, but now she feels relaxed. She feels stronger than she felt in years with renewed energy. She lifts herself up from Jessica's lap. Slowly she raises her hand to feel the wound on the back of her head.

    "The ... it ... how?" Watson is surprised. Though still bloody the gash is gone.

    "I wanted to make sure you are okay." Jessica says, feeling that she might have over done it.

    "Who are you?" Watson says slowly.

    "My name is Jessica. I'm sorry to cause you so much trouble."
    Excellent work as usual, mebecronck!
    One question though:
    Spoiler
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    how does she not know about what modern swimwear looks like if it has existed since the earlier 1900s? Was she only able to access older books?
    Oh great, Jessica is now on film flying... In white robes. This might just make a bigger splash in religion since the crusades!
    Especially with the whole indecency part. "YOU ARE ALL NAKED!" XD
    Last edited by Arkhosia; 2013-07-26 at 08:47 PM.
    "Are we living a life that is safe from harm? Of course not, we never are. But that's not the right question. The question is: are we living a life that is worth the harm?"
    ~Welcome to Night Vale

    Spoiler: Quotes from Friends <3
    Show
    Quote Originally Posted by SliiArhem
    Arkh I may be slightly delirious but I don't think that would make sense even if I was coherent.

    Interested in the Nexus FFRP setting? Try joining our Discord server!

  10. - Top - End - #460
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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    @Arkhosia
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    One question though: how does she not know about what modern swimwear looks like if it has existed since the earlier 1900s? Was she only able to access older books?
    The most recent books she has read is from the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle Sherlock Holmes novels. The most recent being "The Poison Belt" 1913. Swimwear from that period of time is quite different from the modern. Just google image search "early 1900s swimwear" then compare those images to the modern day "string bikini" and "speedos".

    Also, not too many books that she read discuss or describe swimsuits. Even when it does, reading isn't the same as seeing. Final factor is she grew up on an island where the common garb is sack cloth robes. Her father sometimes wears his full armor, which leaves even less to the imagination.
    Last edited by mebecronck; 2013-07-26 at 08:50 PM. Reason: Grammar

    Some of Murphy's other laws.
    "Professionals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs."
    "No plan survives the first contact intact."
    "If it's stupid, but it works, it isn't stupid."
    -Capt. Edward A. Murphy-
    Newton's Law of the Road
    "The object with more mass has the right-of-way."

  11. - Top - End - #461
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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    Quote Originally Posted by mebecronck View Post
    @Arkhosia
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    The most recent books she has read is from the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle Sherlock Holmes novels. The most recent being "The Poison Belt" 1913. Swimwear from that period of time is quite different from the modern. Just google image search "early 1900s swimwear" then compare those images to the modern day "string bikini" and "speedos".

    Also, not too many books that she read discuss or describe swimsuits. Even when it does, reading isn't the same as seeing. Final factor is she grew up on an island where the common garb is sack cloth robes. Her father sometimes wears his full armor, which leaves even less to the imagination.
    I had gotten time periods wrong with swimsuits, sorry. The modern bikini first appeared in 1947 (to the joy of men everywhere). I don't know why I made such a mistake.
    "Are we living a life that is safe from harm? Of course not, we never are. But that's not the right question. The question is: are we living a life that is worth the harm?"
    ~Welcome to Night Vale

    Spoiler: Quotes from Friends <3
    Show
    Quote Originally Posted by SliiArhem
    Arkh I may be slightly delirious but I don't think that would make sense even if I was coherent.

    Interested in the Nexus FFRP setting? Try joining our Discord server!

  12. - Top - End - #462
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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    I wrote at thing! It's part of my whole "write every day, no exceptions" challenge.

    Felix
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    They night sky was clear over the plains. The moonlight shone down on the fields of untamed grasses, turning the fields into seas of ghostly grains. Every so often a coyote's cry would ring out, disturbing the otherwise silent night. On the horizon, near a small grove of trees that stood out like an island on a calm sea, was a tendril of smoke.

    Commander Avery surveyed his men. They sat around the campfire, talking quietly as if afraid to disturb the peaceful evening. They were two score in all; though ten of their number were spread out over the nearby hills, scouting for any sign of trouble. Avery stood up, and walked to one of the nearby tents.

    It was identical in size and shape to every other tent in the camp, but the telltale scent of herbs issuing from its entrance identified it as a medical tent. He stooped down to peek through the entrance. His second-in-command, Maresa, was kneeling next to a small cot. Avery called in.

    "Permission to enter, Lieutenant?"

    Maresa rolled her eyes, still looking over her patient. "Permission granted, Commander."

    He stepped inside, ducking under the low entrance. It wasn't really that small, but everything seemed small to the Commander. Being seven feet tall tends to have that effect. Avery moved beside Maresa, keeping his distance from the woman. At this distance he could get a much closer look at her patient, the unofficial 41st member of the Foxwits.

    Lying on the low cot, fast asleep, was a child. He must have been seven, at the most, and was covered in scrapes and bruises. The boy's physical state wasn't the most interesting thing about him, however. He had a thick tail of reddish fur, and two fox ears poked up from underneath his curly hair. A fox-boy traveling with the Foxwits. How fitting.

    Nobody in the Foxwits was completely sure what the child was, but speculations ran rampant. Thorik, one of the newer recruits, thought that the kid was the bastard child of a were-fox and some poor human woman somewhere. Sergeant Thompson figured that the kid was some sort omen, foretelling the rise of the Foxwits to fame and fortune. Avery didn't really give a damn about the child's origins, though. He just wanted the boy out.

    "So, Lieutenant. How is he?"

    "Alive, and with a severe case of malnutrition and several deep lacerations to boot."

    "I... see. Lieutenant, when do you predict the boy regaining consciousness?"

    "No disrespect meant, Commander, but I must withhold that information."

    Avery was taken aback.

    "Whats the meaning of this, Maresa?!"

    The healer stood up, reaching her full height of five and a half feet. "The meaning, sir, is this: I know for a fact that the second he recovers, you'll toss him back out there. I cannot stand for that."

    The Commander was stunned. He knew Maresa to be possessed of a bleeding heart, but she had never spoken against him before.

    "Lieutenant, be reasonable here. A child of his age has no place in a mercenary company. He'd be a liability."

    "You don't know that, sir. For instance-" The healer reached down, withdrawing a small stone ax from beneath the child's cot. The ax was chiseled to a razor sharp edge, and there was a trace of dried blood along its edge. "This was found on the boy when he was discovered. He threatened the scouts with it for a few minutes, before collapsing from exhaustion." She set the ax down. "Do you know why he was threatening the scouts?"

    Avery had heard the scouts report earlier that day. They had caught the boy defending something he had killed, and was in the process of consuming.

    "I am well aware, Lieutenant. He was defending his kill."

    A glimmer appeared in Maresa's eye. "Do you know what his kill was, sir?"

    Avery thought back to the scout's debriefing. He had assumed that the boy killed some small rabbit or prairie dog, maybe a sick coyote.

    "I suppose I do not, Maresa."

    The healer nodded, smiling. "That boy," she pointed to the sleeping fox-child. "Killed a bear. A-And not a cub," she added quickly. "A fully grown black bear. The ax was found embedded in between the bear's eyes. There were no other injuries. Commander, he killed it in one swing. You must admit the boy has potential, sir."

    Avery rubbed his eyes, absorbing His Lieutenant's words. A child, a young one at that, killing a bear? It seemed incredible. He sighed. "Perhaps you are right, Lieutenant. The boy might have potential." He began to walk away. "He can stay."

    Maresa was brimming with barely contained excitement. "T-Thank you, Commander."

    Avery ducked under the tent flap once more, calling back. "He's your responsibility, Lieutenant. Good luck."

    Avery returned to his soldiers, another howl echoing through the night. Perhaps he is an omen, he thought. Maybe he'll be the one.

  13. - Top - End - #463
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    great work Kymme! You should definitely link the stories about your parties' cohorts here.
    Now if you excuse me, I need to make a much needed visit to your thread.

    Now here's a snippet I call The Bleak Plains.
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    The Bleak Plains are not a place you want to be lost in.
    The land is full of jagged peaks of basalt, coal, and obsidian. The sky is full of clouds of pure ash. Spires of ebony jut across the land, and near-bottomless sinkholes pit the land. Dire creatures prowl the landscape, and what little vegetation exists is tough and hardy. Many eager and inexperienced explorers have perished in this land.

    And I was right in the middle of this gods-forsaken place.

    The Bleak Plains weren't always this way.
    Long ago, there existed a dwarven city known as Mithariel. The residents of the city were regarded as arrogant, pigheaded, and overly zealous by even other dwarves of the land. Mithariel was well known for it's theocratic government and devotion to Moradin. They were famous for their elite priests known as stoneshapers, blessed with superhuman eyesight and a fine, steady hand. They wielded tools of divine light, and could carve marble blindfolded.
    Their zealotry was their downfall.

    A warlock who had sworn a pact with Asmodeus himself had been discovered, and the council of clerics was quick to condemn him to death, ignoring the warlock's warning that slaying him would only incur the wrath of the Lord of the Nine Hells. A group of Moradin's most loyal paladins mercilessly slew the warlock in his sleep, but soon realized their mistake when they saw the holy symbol in his bloody, lifeless hands.

    For their victim was in fact a high priest of Asmodeus.

    Asmodeus was very displeased.

    The next day, the city guards saw a large force of devils marching directly toward Mitherain.
    The dwarves panicked, and prayed desperately to Moradin to save them. The chaos left the city's defenses disorganized and unprepared, and followers of Asmodeus that had secretly set up a cult in the city, led by the slain warlock, unlocked the city gates and fled, with their bags packed hours before thanks to a warning from The Lord of the Nine Hells to leave the city, for the devils had been ordered to slaughter anyone within Mitherain.

    The city was destroyed and the devils left no one alive. The destruction allowed earth and fire elementals that the dwarves had used to power their forges and mine for them, which wreaked havoc on their former prison, creating the environment that exists in the Bleak Plains today.

    And I was lost in that land.

    I was walking up a mountain of compressed coal, clouds of black dust rising with each step. The end of my violet cloak was coated in the pulverized coal, and my scale tunic was marred with the stuff. My rations were running low, and the arrows I have looted numbered only 31. I hoped to get a view of the surrounding landscape and see how far I was from my destination of the town known as Ravencrest, where it was rumored a Orc raiding party had been in recent proximity to.

    I don't know why I did not spot the crack in the ledge, maybe because I was focused on my future plans, but that was something I soon regretted as my plate boot stepped upon it, and the coal ledge fractured below me.
    I desperately reached to grab the ledge I had just made, but I was too slow. I tumbled about 30 feet down the coal mountain, and sustained bruises and a coat of pulverized coal upon my clothes. My fall was finally broken as I landed on the ground in front of a stone cave. In the distance, grassy hills rose and fell. I lifted myself up, wincing as I found that I had opened an old wound on my left thigh. As I limped slightly towards the lush land, I heard a snarl.

    I turned cautiously to locate the source of noise, only to see a dire wolf perched upon a large rock, towering above me, it's fur bristling and teeth bared. Thinking quickly, I grabbed my shortbow and notched an arrow.

    But the wolf was quicker.

    I looked up to see the wolf flying at me mid-pounce. I hastily leveled the bow, and let the arrow fly. The arrow imbedded itself into the beast's shoulder just as I turned my right toward the creature and braced myself for the impact.
    The wolf fell upon me, knocking me down to the ground and sending the bow flying out of my left hand, but not out of my reach. The dog dove towards my jugular, but I grabbed the end of the bow and swung, smashing the weapon into a shower of splinters over the predator's maw, sending shards of wood into it's snout and eyes. Oh well. not that I was any good at archery anyways.

    As the creature stopped in shock and whimpered in pain as it pawed at it's snout, I drew back my feet and kicked it in the stomach, sending the beast reeling back. I sprung up and drew my sword and shield, anticipating the reckless charge of the wolf, blinded by pain and rage, that came towards me. I sidestepped slightly too late, and the beast bit into my right leg. I cursed in pain, realizing the creature had been able to slip past the scale tunic I wore and right into my cloth leggings as I swung my blade at the beast, cleaving through the air towards it. The wolf was smart though, and it dodged and snapped at my arm.

    It didn't see my boot arcing towards it's gut though.

    My powerful kick sent the wolf sprawling, and it decided wisely to cut it's losses and flee. I didn't bother chase after it, as I had no true quarrel with the dog other than survival. Besides, I still bore many scrapes, bruises, cuts, and bites from earlier encounters with it's kin, and was hurt badly, not to mention the scrapes and bruises I had gained from my fall.

    All I can recall afterwords was finally limping into Ravencrest, collapsing, and passing out. After the town healer patched me up, I spent a few days in the town, selling loot I had found on my travels and buying equipment I had used up and repairs for the items I had left. I took time to listen to rumors, and I set off in search of the raiding party.

    Such is the life of an adventurer.

    -Sariel Blackbriar
    Last edited by Arkhosia; 2013-07-27 at 08:41 PM.
    "Are we living a life that is safe from harm? Of course not, we never are. But that's not the right question. The question is: are we living a life that is worth the harm?"
    ~Welcome to Night Vale

    Spoiler: Quotes from Friends <3
    Show
    Quote Originally Posted by SliiArhem
    Arkh I may be slightly delirious but I don't think that would make sense even if I was coherent.

    Interested in the Nexus FFRP setting? Try joining our Discord server!

  14. - Top - End - #464
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    @Arkhosia
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    I had gotten time periods wrong with swimsuits, sorry. The modern bikini first appeared in 1947 (to the joy of men everywhere). I don't know why I made such a mistake.
    Yeah. I try to research anything of historical significance when I write. Futher info you might not have been aware of: Before 1910 women would be arrested for being on the beach with exposed shoulders or legs.


    @Kymme's story
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    As a general critique: I think the story would work better in the present tense.

    They night sky was clear over the plains.
    The*

    The moonlight shone down on the fields of untamed grasses, turning the fields into seas of ghostly grains.
    They sat around the campfire, talking quietly as if afraid to disturb the peaceful evening.
    Continuity error here. The previous paragraph speaks of moonlight and illustrates a night scene. This paragraph says, "peaceful evening".

    So, which time is it?

    scouting for any sign of trouble.
    signs*

    Avery stood up, and walked to one of the nearby tents.
    This should be the first sentence of the next paragraph.

    but the telltale scent of herbs
    "Show don't tell." Describe the scent of the herbs. Acrid? Pungent? and so on.

    His second-in-command, Maresa, was kneeling next to a small cot.
    The second-in-command is a medic?

    Maresa rolled her eyes, still looking over her patient.
    That is a difficult combination of actions to take. I find it impossible to visualize.

    keeping his distance from the woman.
    "keeping his distance from her" sounds better here. Saying "the woman" has a negative, almost sexist, tone to it.

    Avery didn't really give a damn about the child's origins, though. He just wanted the boy out.
    The "though" at the end of the First sentence is unnecessary.

    "Alive, and with a severe case of malnutrition and several deep lacerations to boot."
    The "to boot" at the end of the sentence sounds unnatural. It is hard to imagine the character using such a turn of phrase.

    "No disrespect meant, Commander, but I must withhold that information."
    The biology/science/(insert other related fields here) nerd inside of me says the answer is, "Because I don't know." If the patient is unconscious a doctor can only give their best guess on when the patient will wake-up. Especially in this condition.

    Avery was taken aback.
    This doesn't sound very "Commander" like to me.

    The Commander was stunned. He knew Maresa to be possessed of a bleeding heart, but she had never spoken against him before.
    First sentence: This makes the Commander sound weak.

    A child of his age has no place in a mercenary company.
    Seven years old, yup, that is too young for the military.

    They had caught the boy
    The "had" is actually unnecessary here.

    Avery thought back to the scout's debriefing. He had assumed
    ... and the "had" is unnecessary here, too.

    You must admit the boy has potential, sir."
    Medic/Second-in-command's professional opinion: Killing bear in one swing is all the qualifications one needs for military service.

    Unimportant factors:
    1. Age
    2. Civilization
    3. Training
    4. Discipline
    5. Health

    Avery rubbed his eyes, absorbing His Lieutenant's words.
    his* lieutenant's*

    Also, this guy is SO not acting like a commander.

    Maybe he'll be the one.
    And now I got "Princes of the Universe" by Queen stuck in my head.

    THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!

    I did enjoy your story. Don't take the massive amount of critiques and proofreading as a sign that I didn't like it.
    Last edited by mebecronck; 2013-07-30 at 03:51 PM. Reason: Removal of verb tense changes.

    Some of Murphy's other laws.
    "Professionals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs."
    "No plan survives the first contact intact."
    "If it's stupid, but it works, it isn't stupid."
    -Capt. Edward A. Murphy-
    Newton's Law of the Road
    "The object with more mass has the right-of-way."

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    Quote Originally Posted by mebecronck View Post
    @Arkhosia
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    Yeah. I try to research anything of historical significance when I write. Futher info you might not have been aware of: Before 1910 women would be arrested for being on the beach with exposed shoulders or legs.
    And that's what I get for going with memory!
    I'm not too surprised about the law part. After all, they did have those changing rooms for women that were rolled up to the water itself for privacy.
    "Are we living a life that is safe from harm? Of course not, we never are. But that's not the right question. The question is: are we living a life that is worth the harm?"
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    Quote Originally Posted by SliiArhem
    Arkh I may be slightly delirious but I don't think that would make sense even if I was coherent.

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    @Arkhosia's Story
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    First critique: Giant Wall of Text ... Good idea to space between paragraphs. This makes it difficult to read.

    The land is full of jagged peaks of basalt, coal and obsidian.
    Comma between "coal" and "and".

    And I was right in the middle of this god-forsaken place.
    If this is Forgotten Realms (like I think it is) then, "gods-forsaken". Forgotten Realms is very plural on the gods.

    It wasn't always this way, however.
    Their zealotry was their downfall, however.
    The "however"s are not only unnecessary, but mess up the flow.

    Lord Of Hell
    Lord of the Nine Hells. Also, "Of" doesn't need to be capitalized.

    (remember that scene from LOTR with the Ringwraths in the tavern? It was like that.)
    "NO! NO! NO!"

    Go away Daniel Bryan. This is my critique. Although, I agree. Outside references are okay in bio pages, and better for comedic reference in comments and critiques. They have no place in an actual story.

    and the arrows I had looted numbered only 31.
    have*

    I tumbled about 28 feet
    "About" suggests an estimate/guess. "28 feet" is too precise to be an estimate. "I tumbled 25 or 30 feet ... " would work better here. Also, you might want to spell your numbers out instead. Numbers in a sea of letters stand out.

    I grabbed my shortbow and knocked an arrow.
    notched*

    it pawed at it's snout, drew back my feet and
    Remove the comma and replace with a period. Then start the next sentence with "I".

    I didn't bother chase after it,
    Add "to" between bother and chase.

    , I spent a few days at the town,
    "in the town"

    -Sariel Blackbriar.
    A journal entry. Well the period after his name is then unnecessary.

    Good work. Just need to really fix the "Giant Wall of Text" issue. Just press "enter" twice at the end of each paragraph and that will space things well.

    Some of Murphy's other laws.
    "Professionals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs."
    "No plan survives the first contact intact."
    "If it's stupid, but it works, it isn't stupid."
    -Capt. Edward A. Murphy-
    Newton's Law of the Road
    "The object with more mass has the right-of-way."

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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    Quote Originally Posted by mebecronck View Post
    @Arkhosia's Story
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    First critique: Giant Wall of Text ... Good idea to space between paragraphs. This makes it difficult to read.



    Comma between "coal" and "and".



    If this is Forgotten Realms (like I think it is) then, "gods-forsaken". Forgotten Realms is very plural on the gods.




    The "however"s are not only unnecessary, but mess up the flow.



    Lord of the Nine Hells. Also, "Of" doesn't need to be capitalized.



    "NO! NO! NO!"

    Go away Daniel Bryan. This is my critique. Although, I agree. Outside references are okay in bio pages, and better for comedic reference in comments and critiques. They have no place in an actual story.



    have*



    "About" suggests an estimate/guess. "28 feet" is too precise to be an estimate. "I tumbled 25 or 30 feet ... " would work better here. Also, you might want to spell your numbers out instead. Numbers in a sea of letters stand out.



    notched*



    Remove the comma and replace with a period. Then start the next sentence with "I".



    Add "to" between bother and chase.



    "in the town"



    A journal entry. Well the period after his name is then unnecessary.

    Good work. Just need to really fix the "Giant Wall of Text" issue. Just press "enter" twice at the end of each paragraph and that will space things well.
    Thanks! I will fix my mistakes ASAP.
    "Are we living a life that is safe from harm? Of course not, we never are. But that's not the right question. The question is: are we living a life that is worth the harm?"
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    Quote Originally Posted by SliiArhem
    Arkh I may be slightly delirious but I don't think that would make sense even if I was coherent.

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    Quote Originally Posted by mebecronck View Post
    @Kymme's story
    Before I begin, a question: were all of those tense errors, or were you just converting the story from past to present tense?

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    Another Mebecronck(TM) backstory!

    I think I might just use Sariel for writing awesome stories actually.
    Here's one I might use for an upcoming 4e game!
    Yes, her name is an intentional homage.
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    Name: Vierna Duskember

    Race: Drow

    Class: Paladin

    Age: 31

    Gender: Female

    Appearance: Vierna has snow-white hair that is worn in a combo of bangs and long hair that ends just below her shoulders.. She has bright amber eyes and obsidian skin, and wears a turquoise scale tunic over a long slate-grey skirt that ends at her knees, fingerless graphite-colored steel gloves and boots Her gauntlets bear the emblem of a spiderweb, as do the boots' shin guards. The symbol of Lolth is branded on her left shoulder. She often carries a greatsword with a silver handle and a iron blade about as dark as obsidian.

    Backstory: Vierna was one of many female drow who became members of Lolth's clergy. She was once a slave of a minor house who was abducted from a non-noble family at an early age. At the age of 18, her master, a gambler, sold her to a priestess to pay his debts. About 5 years afterwards, this priestess decided to free Vierna, on the condition she became a priestess of Lolth. She readily accepted, all too eager to escape slavery.

    Vierna advanced to higher ranks over the years, and as she did, she became more powerful as her connection with Lolth strengthened, and she began to actually occasionally hear Lolth at times. The goddess' rantings made Vierna doubt her sanity, and eventually came to the conclusion that Lolth must be insane, causing Vierna to doubt the truth of her teachings if the commandments she followed were from a mad goddess.

    Vierna disagreed with many of lolth's teachings, and, after a dispute with the other priestesses, she was stripped of her rank and armor, and cast out into the underdark. Realizing that there was nothing left for her in the underdark, she left.

    In her journey to the surface, Vierna managed to accidentally wander into the caverns of Sandfall, the realm of Sunnis, primordial of earth. The archomental's followers were originally hostile to Vierna, causing her to knock out a couple in self defense, but The True Stone was able to discern Vierna's intentions and feelings, detecting how she really felt: scared, sorrowful, and uncertain of what to do next. In an act of pity for her, Sunnis took the young drow, whose only possessions were a greatsword, a backpack, a turquoise tunic, and a grey skirt, under her wing, and instructed her servants to give her armor so that, when she finally left, she would be prepared for any beast she encountered within the underdark and during her journey. Eventually she left the Underdark, swearing to help make the world a better place by killing the vile cultists of Ogre'moch, and wishing to help restore Lolth to sanity.

    Traits: Vierna is outgoing and charismatic, taking after her patron. She is impulsive, curious, slightly mercurial, and has incredible fighting prowess with her trusty greatsword. She is constantly alert due to having lived in a society where you advance by backstabbing a buddy. She has a lot of religious knowledge on the elven gods.

    Flaws: like most drow, Vierna is racist towards elves and eladrin. She also has a phobia of whips and a fear of being captured or being helpless. She will not attack someone holding a whip unless she absolutely must, and being whipped actually will make her cower in fear. Vierna also has little knowledge of the surface world, having just left the Underdark.

    For any of you curious of her stats, she's a 4E paladin with the moteborn theme.
    Last edited by Arkhosia; 2013-08-20 at 08:19 PM.
    "Are we living a life that is safe from harm? Of course not, we never are. But that's not the right question. The question is: are we living a life that is worth the harm?"
    ~Welcome to Night Vale

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    Quote Originally Posted by SliiArhem
    Arkh I may be slightly delirious but I don't think that would make sense even if I was coherent.

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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    Quote Originally Posted by Arkhosia View Post
    P.s.: Lord Gareth, can you please make more stories about your awesome bard?
    Wait, that bard has fans?

    (Still accepting critique on ANY written snippets ^_^)


    Quote Originally Posted by Chilingsworth View Post
    Wow! Not only was that awesome, I think I actually kinda understand Archeron now. If all the "intermediate" outer planes got that kind of treatment, I doubt there would be anywhere near as many critics of their utility.
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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    @Kymme
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    Before I begin, a question: were all of those tense errors, or were you just converting the story from past to present tense?
    I just think the story sounds better in the present tense. I probably should have explained that. Plus I need the practice working with verb tense, so I took my hand at it.

    I think it works better in the present tense because then it is a story describing events as it happens. In the past tense it sounds more like a flashback or a memory. Which in the story you present here doesn't really work in the tense. Just my opinion though. You can go whichever way you want, of course.

    There are a couple of spots where you use the present tense. If you rather have me point those out instead.

    If you don't want to, I will change my critique to eliminate all the verb tense changes.
    Last edited by mebecronck; 2013-07-28 at 05:35 AM.

    Some of Murphy's other laws.
    "Professionals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs."
    "No plan survives the first contact intact."
    "If it's stupid, but it works, it isn't stupid."
    -Capt. Edward A. Murphy-
    Newton's Law of the Road
    "The object with more mass has the right-of-way."

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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    I just discovered that they and their are not able to be used as a singular, gender neutral, like he and she might be used for not gender neutral. No wonder all the D and D books used "she" for their classes. Just picked a gender and went with it. Got a lot of editing to do...
    Last edited by TheWombatOfDoom; 2013-07-28 at 09:07 AM.
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    I wouldn't worry about that. It may not be formally acceptable, but convention holds it as reasonable.
    Games I'm in:

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    Askaretha's Ascension as Vaishirth

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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    Quote Originally Posted by TheWombatOfDoom View Post
    I just discovered that they and their are not able to be used as a singular, gender neutral, like he and she might be used for not gender neutral.
    Says who? It might not be a thing prescriptivists allow, but it's certainly fairly common among native speakers, and easily understood as well.

    Personally, I find that it sounds more natural, and more than slightly suspect that those who decry it are doing so from much the same mindset that forbade splitting infinitives or ending sentences with prepositions: "but <other language X that I like much better than English> doesn't do it that way!" English is English, not Latin or French or anything else; let the "they"s flow.
    Quote Originally Posted by Water_Bear View Post
    That's RAW for you; 100% Rules-Legal, 110% silly.
    Quote Originally Posted by hamishspence View Post
    "Common sense" and "RAW" are not exactly on speaking terms
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    Quote Originally Posted by TuggyNE View Post
    Says who? It might not be a thing prescriptivists allow, but it's certainly fairly common among native speakers, and easily understood as well.

    Personally, I find that it sounds more natural, and more than slightly suspect that those who decry it are doing so from much the same mindset that forbade splitting infinitives or ending sentences with prepositions: "but <other language X that I like much better than English> doesn't do it that way!" English is English, not Latin or French or anything else; let the "they"s flow.
    The person I spoke to was a graduate editor. :/
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    @TheWombatofDoom
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    I just discovered that they and their are not able to be used as a singular, gender neutral, like he and she might be used for not gender neutral. No wonder all the D and D books used "she" for their classes. Just picked a gender and went with it. Got a lot of editing to do...
    From what I understand, it is proper manner to use "they" and "their" for singular gender neutral situations. It is a more modern day style and not necessarily considered proper grammar by all, yet. This is used because the only gender neutral pronoun that English has used for centuries is ... well, nothing. "It" is not gender neutral because "it" is used to describe objects and is thus offensive when used to talk about people.

    The issue is old fashion versus modern. If you want to use a solution that can satisfy both I recommend saying "The person" or similar. In conversation you can have the character be confused and say things like, "He ... uh, she ... whatever." This could interrupt the flow of the narrative.

    Not everyone shares the same opinion on this, but I say, "Use what feels best for you."


    Anyways, Instead of revising Chapter 2, I went ahead or written Chapter 3.

    So without any additional fanfare.

    Spoiler
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    Jessica's Misadventures
    in High School

    Chapter 3
    The Riot

    Watson barely had enough time to wash the blood from her hair and put on a clean shirt before the mob of people surrounded the precinct. On all sides, men and women, shouting, waving signs, all demanding demanding the release of the angel. The only thing stopping them from storming the precinct is the S.W.A.T. team armed with riot shields and batons. They are under orders to only use force if the crowd becomes violent. To support them are officers ready with a fire hose already connected to a hydrant.

    Watson steps out of the bathroom to a room filled with panic and confusion. Phones are ringing constantly. No sooner does an operator hang up the phone, it rings again. People are shouting while they run from one side to the other and back again.

    One voice in particular is very loud. A man who calls himself Michael Gabriel. A drunkard and doom-sayer who favors shouting prophecies of the end of times at the hands of the Angel of Death. He is frequently in police custody for disturbing the peace and occasionally, public urination. He wears a mashup of old dirty clothes he finds discarded in dumbsters with a head rag made of an old stained towel. His beard is wet with alcohol and flecked with what might be old food crumbs. He is barefoot and his feet are caked in mud.

    He hasn't heard the news, yet. He has been in this precinct since noon. It is always difficult to deal with him. No telling what he would do if he sees a "real" angel. This is why extra precautions are being taken to keep him separated from Jessica.

    Watson takes in the sight of pure chaos, takes a deep breath, and prepares to step right into it. A cop's work is never done.

    "Officer Watson, what are you working on right now?" a short, skinny man with thick glasses says to her as he approaches. His eyes are down at a digital tablet in his hand instead of looking at her.

    "I was about to head to my desk and write that incident report you wanted." Watson says while trying to hold back the sound of exasperation. Like most cops she doesn't like Internal Affairs, and with a partner like Garcia, she has to deal with I.A. more often than most cops.

    "Before you do that, the Chief of Police wants to speak with you personally." Still his eyes doesn't leave the tablet in his hands. Every once in a while he taps something or flicks his finger across it and his face remains neutral. This annoyed Watson.

    *****

    Jessica remains quiet in the small room. There is a desk with four chairs, two on either side of it. A mirror that takes almost the entire wall on one side. There is also a box with a circular object attached to it nestled in one ceiling corner.

    She walks around the table clockwise as she looks at her reflection. It doesn't take long for her stomach to growl.

    "I haven't gotten anything to eat, yet. I can't believe I forgot I am hungry." Jessica said to herself. With all the excitement of reaching the mainland, and seeing her first police precinct, she didn't have time to get anything to eat. She would eat the trail mix packed in her bag, but that was taken from her when she first walked into the building.

    Her clothes were taken as evidence because of all the blood on them. She is now wearing the dirt stained robe from the island. It is difficult to make the dye for white linen on the island and making more than two robes for the trip would have been asking for too much.

    Trying to ignore the hunger she starts to think about other things. It doesn't work as her stomach rumbles again.

    'He did say if I need anything, there will be a guard right outside the door.' she thinks to herself. She tries to turn the knob on the door, but finds that it doesn't budge. Thinking the door is simply stuck, she knocks on the door, knowing that if someone is right outside he would surely hear the knocking.

    The door opens, and the same man that here in looks in. "Is everything okay, miss?" He asks politely, remaining past the threshold of the room.

    "I'm so sorry to disturb you, but if it isn't too much trouble, can I, please, have something to eat?" She clasps her hands together in front of her lap and bows low with the request. As she says this she moves her wings close to her body. A habit she got into when she was younger, and would frequently knock over candles and bottles with her wings when she bowed.

    "I will see what I can do." He answers with his eyes wide open, staring at her wings. He then closes the door, leaving Jessica in the room.

    *****

    Watson walks into the Chief's office. The Chief is standing behind his desk, watching the local news, which is currently showing cell phone footage of Jessica's arrival on the beach. The Chief is not very tall, standing a few inches shy of six feet; he is a little overweight and his hair is thinning on top. His chin is broad and strong, giving his head almost a box shape. What makes up the bulk of his presence, though, is his personality. He is rarely soft spoken, and when he speaks, his tone has always commanded respect.

    "You wanted to see me, sir?" Watson says, her voice not even trembling. She frequents the Chief's office. Normally it is to defend Garcia's actions. She is accustomed to these meetings, but that doesn't mean she likes it.

    "Take a seat and stay quiet. I need to see this." He says in a calm voice, eyes not leaving the screen. Watson is taken by surprise with his tone. A calm voice can't be a good sign.

    'The calm before the storm.' the old expression surfaces in her mind.

    The footage of Jessica arriving on the beach is shaky. Jessica's face is never clearly seen. Her voice is clear, when she shouts out and says everyone is naked. Then she covers her face and runs towards the street.

    The local news anchor then takes the screen. Her voice is unsteady as she reads from the prompter. She covers the details of how the footage was acquired, without naming the person who recorded. She discusses how the public is reacting to this angel's arrival. She speaks to an expert on video special effects to confirm that this isn't a fake. She finally speaks to an on-scene reporter in front of the precinct.

    At this, the Chief mutes the TV and turns to Watson. "I understand you are the one to thank for our special guest." He says to her with a flat tone of voice. He places two fists on his desk and leans over it, staring directly into Watson's eyes. The scowl on his face, though a natural expression for him, shows far more anger than typical.

    "Garcia and I did bring Jessica her, sir." Watson is used to these conversations with the Chief, but this one feels worse. This feels serious. Very serious.

    "Garcia." A hint of venom came with the speaking of his name. He picks up his fists from the desk and slaps his hands together, as if wiping off dirt from his palms. "Fine. Tell me what happened in the car."

    "I will write that down in the report, sir." Her voice becomes sheepish. The heavy atmosphere in the air is starting to get to her.

    "NO!" The Chief slams his fist on the table. "I want to hear it, in your own words, before any official report is made."

    "I was bleeding badly. Someone in the crowd threw something hard at me. I was about to pass out from blood loss when Jessica placed her hand on my head. Then suddenly I felt great. The bleeding stopped."

    "Anything else to add." The Chief always ends interrogations with this. He knows there is always something more that he is not being told.

    "Yes, sir." Watson said in a low tone. "I ... have no scars."

    "What does that have do this?"

    "The scar above my eyebrow, the scar from when my appendix was removed, and the scar on my left knee are all gone." She first noticed this when she saw her reflection in the bathroom mirror.

    The scar above her eyebrow was made when she was twelve, and a pervert took advantage of her. She tried to fight back but he smacked her across the head. The blow knocked her unconscious. When she woke up she was naked on the side of a public street, feeling dirty and used. Blood drained down the left side of her face from an open wound above her eyebrow. Whenever she looks in a mirror, that scar reminds her of what happened that day. The pervert was captured a week later and is now serving a life sentence.

    The Chief sits down in his chair and leans back. "Last thing I need to know before you make your report. Do you believe she is an angel?"

    "I don't know, sir. All I know is she is ..." She searches for the right word. "... real."

    "She is real?" The Chief leans forward in his chair.

    "Her wings are real. The ... power ... she used is real. She is real. If she is an angel or not, I don't know, but she is real."

    "Then she is real." The Chief sits perfectly upright and broadens his shoulders. "I need you to listen very carefully. I can't tell you what to write down in your report, but I advise that you think. Think carefully about what you write. Think of the consequences of having two L.A.P.D. officers filing an official incident report that stat: Angels are real. Do you understand?"

    Watson remains quiet for a moment. Soaking in what The Chief just said. Considering the reaction of her flying in she can only imagine what would happen if a report leaked out with details of healing powers.

    A knock on the door breaks the silence. When the door opens and the noise from outside the room filters in, Watson is reminded of the chaos surrounding and filling the building.

    "I'm sorry to interrupt, sir." The young detective says peeking his head into the room. "You asked me to let you know immediately if anything happens with 'our special guest', sir."

    It seems that 'our special guest' is now the official code word for Jessica.

    "Well, spit it out already." The Chief barks.

    The detective swallows his fear, "She asked for something to eat, sir."

    "You better not tell me that is the only reason you interrupted me." The Chief's leer could kill if it was any fiercer.

    "Sir, I still have my salad in the fridge downstairs." Watson chimed in, hoping it would calm things down.

    "Good, problem solved. I hope you learned something from the officer, detective." The Chief accentuated the detective's rank.

    Watson stood up and as she walked to the door, The Chief stopped her and said in a plain tone, "Remember what we talked about."

    Watson feels like this conversation will have an impact greater than she can possibly imagine.
    Last edited by mebecronck; 2013-07-28 at 09:26 PM. Reason: Add comment.

    Some of Murphy's other laws.
    "Professionals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs."
    "No plan survives the first contact intact."
    "If it's stupid, but it works, it isn't stupid."
    -Capt. Edward A. Murphy-
    Newton's Law of the Road
    "The object with more mass has the right-of-way."

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    @mebecronck
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    "I haven't gotten anything to eat, yet. I can't believe I forgot I am hungry."
    I don't think the comma is needed. Also, the sentence sounds a bit wooden. Maybe instead, how about "I can't believe I forgot how famished I am!"? With the knowledge we have so far, Jessica hasn't eaten at all that day. She should be beyond starving, and the original sentence just doesn't seem to convey it.

    Overall, great story!
    "Are we living a life that is safe from harm? Of course not, we never are. But that's not the right question. The question is: are we living a life that is worth the harm?"
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    Quote Originally Posted by SliiArhem
    Arkh I may be slightly delirious but I don't think that would make sense even if I was coherent.

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  28. - Top - End - #478
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    mebecronck's Avatar

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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    You want it, you got it. The much anticipated CHAPTER ....

    Character Bio:

    I am taking one day off from writing the story, but wanted to give you something.

    Here's Jack:

    Spoiler
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    Jack

    Species:
    Deva and Deity

    Age:
    Timeless
    Note: Devas technically have no beginning or end. However, Jack was first granted free-will six billion years ago. He spent much of that time fighting in Hell, where time has little meaning. He has lived on Earth for the past four thousand years.

    Gender:
    Male
    Note: Devas in their natural state have no gender. Upon gaining free will his gender identity slowly formed. It is because he associates with the masculine identity that his body is male. This connection solidified when he met his wife.

    Appearance:
    His skin is a dark tan. His hair is pure white and kept short with a well groomed beard. His eyes are white without iris or pupil. Pure energy seeps from his eyes at all times. This intensifies when angered. His body is very muscular and toned, but not bulky. He stands seven feet six inches tall. He weighs two hundred eighty pounds. He has large feathered wings. His wingspan is fifteen feet.
    Note: Jack can change his appearance to look shorter and can make his wings disappear. He can also give his eyes pupils and color to look normal. He can change his hair color, but chooses to leave it white. He does this so he can blend in with humans.

    Background:
    He is the second deva to be granted the gift of free-will, the first being The Devil. Not knowing what to do with his free-will, he took a one man war to Hell. He fought nonstop against the legions of Hell eventually making it to The Devil. He gained his divine power and deific status from killing The Devil over and over again. He did not know this at the time, but each time he killed The Devil he absorbed some of his deific power. His war with The Devil almost caused the end of Hell and all the planes connected with it. Io intervened and allowed Jack and The Devil to finish their fight on an intermediate plane, which eventually leads to the formation of The Plane of Tournaments.

    Jack won this final battle with The Devil and, under the advice of Io, Jack lives on Earth in hopes of understanding his free-will. Jack moves from town to town taking on apprenticeships with several tradesmen. Over time he masters many trade crafts and is nicknamed The Jack of all Trades, quickly shortened to Jack.

    Living among humans, he shared their hardships and strifes. Sometimes he tries to help, and other times he leaves them to handle it on their own. Eventually, he felt best to remove himself from humans and moved to an island in the middle of the Pacific. Some of his most loyal followers pursued him and formed a monastery with him on the island. An order of monks formed in time.

    One day a woman was found in a lifeboat off the coast of the island. The woman was taken in a monastery. The monks advised that the woman could not be allowed to leave the island for fear of the island's location being revealed. The woman was surprisingly happy to stay on the inland and soon joined the routine with the monks. Jack fell in love with her, married her, and to even Jack's surprise she became pregnant with his child.

    The Devil, who was waiting for the perfect time to hurt Jack, was watching all the while. On the day Jack's child was born, The Devil sent one of his minions and killed his wife. Jack killed the minion of The Devil before it could do the same to his newborn daughter.

    Jack sought revenge against The Devil for what he did, but Io intervened, knowing this could lead to the end of the many planes. Io forbade Jack from ever returning to Hell and forbade The Devil from interfering with Jack's life. The Devil was fine with this arrangement, knowing that last blow was painful and his.

    Over the next sixteen years, Jack focused on raising his child. He names her Jessica in memory of his wife and her mother. He worries about what would happen if he lets his daughter out of sight. Io forbade The Devil from interfering with his life, but he didn't forbid him from interfering with Jessica's life.

    He starts an Order among his many followers on many planes. Their dogma is to seek out and stop the rise of devils and their minions wherever they may be. Across the many planes they seek out The Devil's influence. He might not be able to take the fight to The Devil, but he can make sure his minions can't come here.
    Note: Jack's life is a long and expansive one. He has done many things, made many allies, and many enemies. There is just too much to cover here.

    Traits:
    He is not just honest, he can't lie. He is strict to the word of rule and law. He is serious. He is very protective of his daughter. When he makes a promise or gives his word, he must keep it.
    Note: The fact he must keep his word sometimes causes problems.

    Flaws:
    He can't lie even if to spare someone's feelings. His only choice in such situations has been to just not speak. He is rigid. He has no sense of humor. He lacks any sense of tact. He feels more comfortable as a follower than a leader.
    Note: Being a deva it is his natural place to serve others. When he first learned that he is to be a father his wife worked with him to mentally train himself for the duties that would come with it. He feared that his nature would always make him do what his daughter asked and render him incapable of saying "No."


    Skills:
    Unmatched swordsman and all around warrior. Master craftsman, but only in things as recent as the year 1800. Excellent singer.
    Note: Around the year 1800 he moved to the island, and has since been detached from the rest of the world. He does not know how technology has advanced since. As a deva he has an inherently perfect singing voice, as some deities like their devas to sing their praises. When Jessica was young he would sing her lullabies to help her sleep. He never sang before that time and he hasn't singed since.

    Languages:
    All.
    Note: As a deity he has the gift of tongues, so that he may understand the prayers of his followers.

    Hobbies:
    Killing devils. Raising and protecting his daughter.
    Note: He has no idle time. When he does something it has a purpose. Before his daughter was born, he thought he was seeking understanding of his free-will. What he really wanted was purpose. Now that he has a daughter he found purpose.

    Powers:
    He is able to remotely view and listen to multiple locations. He can project his voice through anything he sees. He can manifest weapons and armor from the air in an instant. His senses are supernaturally acute. He can project beams of pure positive energy. He can move instantly to any location he can see, including locations he is remotely viewing. Supernatural reflexes. He emits an aura of truth, making those in his proximity always tell the truth. He emits a divine aura that makes others in his proximity know he is a deity. He emits a defensive aura that destroys mundane weapons and enchanted weapons that are not strong enough to pass through. He has the power of Final Judgement; where he "Weighs the weight of a person's soul against the weight of his sins" and then sends that person's soul to the appropriate afterlife.
    Note: He has many more powers beyond this, but this is what is most often used. He Note: He has many more powers beyond this, but this is what is most often used. He is typically viewing no less than ten locations: one is his daughter, three are particular persons of interests, and six scanning for devil activity. The aura of truth affects everyone in the radius of the power, even him. That is why he can't lie. Particularly strong willed individuals can lie via "lies of omission", but can't directly tell a lie. Should Jack choose to he can skip the "weighing of the soul" part and just send a person's soul directly to Hell.

    Special:
    "It is better to destroy evil outright than to work to mend its damages." - Jack
    Note:
    The dogma of Jack. He was not the first to say it, but he is the first to take it to such extremes.


    Story Ideas For This Character:
    NONE!
    Note: Why? He is overpowered. With him as a protagonist he can't face any real challenges. In the novel I'm currently working on with Jessica as the protagonist (you will soon find this out in story) Jessica convinces Jack to let her leave the island and live her life. She made Jack promise to not help her in any way. She wants to do this on her own, and have this be her own adventure. Jack agreed upon the stipulation that this deal does not apply if he is physically present at the time, saying that Jessica cannot expect him to stand idly by when she is in trouble. She agreed with the stipulation that he can't use this as a loophole. Jack can only visit her if invited.

    Note on Note: Yes, making a deal with Jack is like making a contract. Even with his daughter.


    Some of Murphy's other laws.
    "Professionals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs."
    "No plan survives the first contact intact."
    "If it's stupid, but it works, it isn't stupid."
    -Capt. Edward A. Murphy-
    Newton's Law of the Road
    "The object with more mass has the right-of-way."

  29. - Top - End - #479
    Halfling in the Playground
     
    mebecronck's Avatar

    Join Date
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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    You wanted, you got it. The much anticipated CHAPTER ... 0

    Yeah, a prologue.

    A friend just reviewed what I got so far and wanted a little more backstory. He is not as interested in reading a character bio. I figured other readers might be like that, so I wrote a prologue.

    Man, I am starting to get behind on my revisions.

    Spoiler
    Show

    The Misadventures of Jessica
    in High School

    Prologue
    The Island

    "Where did I put that bag!" Jessica is starting to panic. Since her birthday last week she has argued with her Dad about leaving the island. She wants to see the world, live her own life, make mistakes, and make friends. Everyone on this island is more like family to her. The only visitors that come to the island are her father's friends. They are more like extended family to her. She loves them all the same, but she is starting to feel caged.

    Last night her father finally agreed to let her leave the island. It took some time to come to an arrangement. Making a deal with Jack is much like writing a contract, because once he gives his word on something he will keep it. Since then, Jessica has been in a rush trying to make sure she has everything she needs for a solo journey to where ever she may go. She was all set, until right now.

    "I know I left it right here. Oh, no. Oh, no!" She is turning everything in the room upside down. Checking places that moments before she thought 'It can't possibly be there.'

    "Is everything all right, Jessica?" The familiar voice came from the other side of the door. Henry must have heard the commotion and decided to check in on her.

    Henry is the closest thing she has to a best friend. He made arrangements with ship captain to bring him some old books when he can. Henry's one vice that he kept from his life on the mainland is reading, and he shared his love of books with Jessica.

    Jessica flies over to the door to let him in. "No, everything is not all right, Henry. I can't find my bag. I had it all packed and left it at the foot of my bed and now it's gone." Jessica is almost to the point of tears.

    "I have it right here." Henry says holding up the bag. Jessica lets out a sigh of relief and graciously takes the bag from him. "Your father wanted to look through it and made sure you were properly packed for the journey. I guess he didn't tell you first."

    "Keeping an eye of course. After all, once I leave the island our deal is in place." Jessica crosses her arms and leers at the ceiling, sure her father is watching.

    "What does the deal entail?"

    "There is a lot to it. Basically, dad can't get involved in my life. He can help me if he is physically present, but he can't visit unless I give him permission first. Whatever may come I want to face it myself."

    "Well, if you are facing this world, then you need to look more proper for it." Henry says with a sly smile. From the folds of his robe he pulls out three folded white linen robes. "I got these specially made for you. It took us all night and the last of our white dye to make them in time."

    A giant smile fills Jessica's face and tears full of mixed emotions flow down her cheeks. She runs up to him and wraps her arms around his neck. He almost drops the robes from the embrace. "They are beautiful, Henry. Thank you."

    She releases her embrace and takes the robes from Henry. She puts two in her bag and sets the third down so she can change into before she leaves. "I'm going to miss you." She says to Henry, a frown slowly forming as she speaks.

    Henry pulls Jessica to him and messes up her hair by rubbing his hand over the top of her head. Jessica laughs and pushes herself away from him. "Don't feel sad, Jess. You can always come back if you miss us. You now have the world to explore, and all the time to explore it." His hand goes back into his robe and he pulls out a book. "A little something to remember me."

    It is an original printing of Jules Verne's 'Around the World in Eighty Days'. The copy is in perfect condition. This is a treasured piece of Henry's collection.

    "No, I can't accept this." Jessica says trying to push book back.

    "I insist. I wouldn't give this to you if I didn't think it would be in good hands. I want this book to be in the hands of someone who loves them as much as I do." Henry takes Jessica by the hands and places the book within them. "Also, we never got around to discussing it. This will make me look forward to your return even more."

    Jessica smiled and humbly accepts the book, and places it in her bag. After a few more moments of reminicsing Henry leaves the room so Jessica can finish preparing. At dawn she will leave the island. She may never return or she may be back in a few days. For once her future is completely uncertain.

    *****

    Jessica stands on the edge of the island. Over a cliff on the eastern face. The island is so small she can fly from one side to the other in less than ten seconds. She stretches out her wings ready to take flight for the mainland.

    "You could take my boat if you want." Henry pleas to her. "It may just be a small fishing boat but it can make the voyage."

    "Thank you for the offer, Henry, but I wanted to really stretch these wings out for a long time." On such a small island she never had the opportunity to use her wings to their fullest. Her father never allowed her to fly to far from the island. The second she would fly too far away he would teleport her directly to her bedroom.

    With her wings spread wide she flings herself from the cliff. She feels the wind rush against her as gravity pulls her to the waters below. She lets her wings pull herself up from the fall and then starts to flap them hard to gain elevation.

    Before her friends are out of sight she turns herself around and pulls in her left wing, and waves her right wing like a giant hand waving goodbye. For the brief moment she does this she feels weightless. Both body and soul, she feels as if she escaped a cage. The cage traps her to the island, but it also protects her. As she turns back around aims for the horizon she wonders if she is truly ready for the world.

    Some of Murphy's other laws.
    "Professionals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs."
    "No plan survives the first contact intact."
    "If it's stupid, but it works, it isn't stupid."
    -Capt. Edward A. Murphy-
    Newton's Law of the Road
    "The object with more mass has the right-of-way."

  30. - Top - End - #480
    Bugbear in the Playground
     
    Arkhosia's Avatar

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    Jun 2013
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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    Great work!
    I would suggest changing leer though, because, well...
    intr.v. leered, leer·ing, leers
    To look with a sidelong glance, indicative often of sexual desire or sly and malicious intent
    That's normally what people assign the definition of leer as, ignoring the "indicative often of" part.
    Last edited by Arkhosia; 2013-08-02 at 01:40 AM.
    "Are we living a life that is safe from harm? Of course not, we never are. But that's not the right question. The question is: are we living a life that is worth the harm?"
    ~Welcome to Night Vale

    Spoiler: Quotes from Friends <3
    Show
    Quote Originally Posted by SliiArhem
    Arkh I may be slightly delirious but I don't think that would make sense even if I was coherent.

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