Iron Poet XV

[Zeb The Troll]

@Story Time - I had actually intended to say something similar to what truemane did so eloquently. We're all friends here. A little dissent doesn't need to cause drama (and I think didn't cause as much as it may have seemed like it did) and people DO appreciate the feedback from people who've taken the time to absorb their entries and give back constructively, as you did.

I'd be delighted if you hung around until the end of this one and participated, either as a contestant or a judge, in future iterations as well.

[TFT]

Whilst I didn't look at Story Time's judgments(To do so, I feel, would have been wrong), I did 100% steal the formatting used. With that said:

Round Two:

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Averagejoe versus Omeganaut:

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Averagejoe:

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Poem doesn't exist

Omeganaut:

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I found the use of haiku to be interesting though I wasn't sure what to make of it, and I found the description of the girl and the look into her thoughts interesting. I also kind of liked the broadening of the scope from the one person to everyone. Overall, I liked it.

Verdict:

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Omeganaut, for the poem actually existing.

Bladescape versus Worlok:

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Bladescape:

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I felt that the form had some issues, which in the end I decided was because of the fact that the lines had different syllable counts. The theme, however, I found interesting, especially taking into account of how the picture was set up(Which I think was intentional) All in all, good poem

Worlok:

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Poem doesn't exist

Verdict:

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Bladescape, for the poem actually existing.

Silviya versus Truemane:

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Silviya:

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I had issues with the split verses at the beginning along with grammatical issues that gave a bad impression. While I was able to figure those out and did like other parts of the poem such as the ending and the idea of separated worlds coming together, the first impressions really hurt with respect to the contest.

Truemane:

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While there wasn't really a form to this poem, I feel everything else came together really well. I really liked the flow of this poem. It just seemed to flow really nicely. I also liked the imagery and few lines that contained interesting wordplay("On their way from anywhere-else to anywhere-but-here" as an example). The theme was interesting, outside perspective seeing hidden order and how a person would respond to noticing this. All in all, I found this to be a good poem.

Verdict:

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Truemane. First impressions, I feel, were what ultimately gave this to truemane.

Alarra versus Szilard:

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Alarra:

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I always love the word choices of your poems. When I read them, each word just seems to fit perfectly together in conveying the point. I liked the narrative found inside, giving the woman in the fur coat an interesting character to explore. The poem hints, never explicitly saying anything, which works in the poem as well because of the narrative as well. Everything just came together really well.

Szilard:

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There is a strong first person narrative set up inside the poem. The first thing that really stood out to me reading through the poem were the line breaks. They really helped the pacing of the poem, emphasizing words or phrases and helping to add meaning to them. This also links to the second point of the narrative. I feel that the first person narrative worked really well, helped by the form. It gave the poem the emotional drive it probably would not have gotten in a third person telling of the story. It makes you feel for the guy who realized what he lost. This really helped me at least get invested in the theme/moral of the story, which I saw as a look at possessions and friendships, and the interplay between the two, which through the narrative worked very well.

I think the true testament to the poem, however, is that my comments on the different parts of the poem flowed so nicely in this explanation.

Verdict:

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This was a tough decision. Both poems had a strong narrative inside, used the picture nicely, and had a unique style as well. Ultimately I decided on Szilard

I actually meant to go a bit more in depth then I did, but due to time(If I were to do so I would wouldn't have had this posted until the end of friday) I shortened the ones that had longer analysis and did the rest. I plan on finishing up the in-depth analysis sometime this weekend.

[truemane]

Judging responses to read while you enjoy this impatient bump!

@Haruki-kun

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Not much to respond to, specifically, but as always, thank you for your comments. One thing I might suggest, though, if I may do so without coming off as a jerk, is that you spend more time talking about structure and form even in free verse poems. Ideally, free verse isn't poetry without form, it's poetry where the poet creates a new form that precisely fits that piece. Eliot once said that no verse is free for the poet who wants to do a good job.

So, when there's no formal rhythm or rhyme schemes, have a look at things like line lengths, how the poet divided things into stanzas, where they broke the lines up, how the words sound compared to how they feel, how heavy or even or uneven the cadence is. All that stuff.

If you do think about that stuff now, talking about it will help the poets improve. And if you don't, then getting into it will help you and the poets.

@The Grimmace

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Thank you for stepping up and offering some judgments. I'm happy you liked the piece and, yes, you got it just right, I was writing from the perspective of the person 'seeing' the scene. I had actually considered the idea of making it the person holding the camera (that was where the idea of drawing a line across the random numbers and finding order came from, as that's effectively what a good photograph does). The trouble I found was that, while it worked well with the sort of 'eternal moment' of the speakers' introspection, once we get to the implied movement in time and space at the end, it worked less well. Especially with the clunk. I got thinking that he'd hit his camera against the window and not his hand and it would make a different sound and it all just felt wrong and I changed it.

But. Thank you again!

@Story Time

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Despite our disagreements about the relationship of punctuation to poetry, thank you for noting my punctuating. I'm obsessive about it, both its inclusion and its lack. Which was why I was so vehement on the topic in the first place.

I tried the clunk in lower case but it didn't work as well for me. What I wanted was a real CLUNK. Something even a step above onomatopoeia. Were I reading this poem on a stage somewhere, when I got to that point I'd hit the mic with my hand to actually make the noise, instead of stating it. And I found that, in lower case, the clunk was just another word. "With a clunk" sounded in my head no stronger than "With a loud noise." So, uppercase, and the word felt removed from the language just enough to be an actual sound-image and not just a noun. CAPS = OOMPH. The difference between saying 'roar' and actually roaring.

Thanks again. I really hope you stick around for the next round.

[Zeb The Troll]

I'm actively searching for another judge. For obvious reasons I'm not going to break this tie.

If anyone wants to volunteer, please go ahead and submit your judgements. The only disqualifier is you can't be one of the remaining contestants.

[Story Time]

I'd be delighted if you hung around until the end of this one and participated, either as a contestant or a judge, in future iterations as well.

Almost certainly I'll be watching, if not judging, until the end of this contest.

[Zeb The Troll]

Speaking of judging, Lil Shiro has agreed to be our tiebreaker for this round. Be looking for an update shortly.

[Story Time]

...is it now relatively safe to presume that Lil Shiro will not be judging for Iron Poet XV?

[Zeb The Troll]

He's working on them. I've actually just gotten a PM assuring me that he is.

[Viera Champion]

I apologize. I'm about to get right to it.

[leakingpen]

Trumane

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Okay, brass tacks. Free verse, unrhyming. When you go double free, it's hard to make it feel like, well, a poem. I think you did a good job of that. The opening feels like stilted prose, and not poetry, but it recovers and feels like a poem throughout.

I do love the line structure, of starting small, getting larger paragraphs, and shrinking again. I use similar myself all the time.

I dislike the opening paragraph intensely. If a poem is about the prompt, well... you shouldn't just describe the picture. it seems too clinical.

The thoughts and ideas further in though are awesome, and I love the self insertion, making the reflected photographer the poems author.
Good use of the prompt.

Pretty decent showing, all things considered.

Silviya

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Composition. Free verse, no meter I can see. The opening paragraphs are CLOSE, but not quite the same meter, and it feels jarring. I do like the split of paragraphs to emphasize the duality of the poem and the image.

I like the single line putting the two together for the rest of the poem. Personally, I would have written the breaking of the glass as two shorter, slightly different lines, ending each of the short paragraphs.

The third stanza has an a a b a scheme, but the next stanza has a b a c , and goes back to third stanza for the glass rhyme. again, its... sloppy. Either rhyme or don't.

The next stanza, The glass takes both worlds, is awesome. Personally, that stanza alone is a great poem.

repetition of the single line is good, and the moving text to a conclusion. I like the ending, it fits.

Good use of prompt, you took an element of the photo and moved past, without over analying the picture. But.... I'm just not a fan of this one.

Winner

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Trumane

Szilard

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Free verse, no rhyme, no meter. I like the short clipped phrases, but... I'm sorry, it just feels like a short story, not a poem.

I do like the build up of the story. That the friend was a dog is obvious in hindsight, but not obvious until the barking is mentioned.

The action of putting on the coat fits the image, and I can see it scaring the dog, but...

It feels like you took disparate sections of the picture, trash bags, city street, woman in coat, and made a poem based on them, rather than the image as a whole.

I'm, enh on the whole effect.

Alarra

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And, we have a quadfecta. Free verse, no rhyme scheme. ::cries:: I kid, i kid.

The meter changes throuhout, but there is still a definite fell of rhythym which is good. it feels like poetry, actually, it feels like a song. I think it could do with a chorus, He should be here.
Not me. He has problems.
Not me.” repeated here and there to spice it up.

You took the main character in the prompt, and then moved forward with it, so the prompt, instead of the focus, becomes the setup. I do like that. maybe i'm over critical today, but as a whole, its a bit stilted, but still a

decent poem.

winner

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alarra

[Zeb The Troll]

Ah ha! We have a consensus!

Congratulations to the winners of this round!

Omeganaut
bladescape
Alarra
truemane

I'll have the brackets and prompts up by tomorrow evening.

[Viera Champion]

As I was too slow.

[Story Time]

I would like to express my sincere gratitude to LeakingPen for closing this round of Iron Poet XV. Now we can all move on!

No offense to Lil Shiro, though. Pen did offer to judge first, I think.

My plan is to continue watching the thread and judge, if such is allowed.

I hope all the poets have a nice day.

[truemane]

@leakingPen

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First off, thank you for your comments. They are appreciated. I'm happy you enjoyed the piece. That is, after all, the desired effect.

Next, a quibble: free verse, by definition, is poetry with neither rhyme nor meter. There isn't a word, so far as I know, for poetry with rhyme and no meter. And other than Ogden "Candy is Dandy but Liquour is Quicker" Nash, I can't think of anyone who made serious enough use of it to merit it having a name.

And the only thing I wanted to respond to was your comment about the first stanza. You're, of course, under no obligation to like it, but it's important to remember that I'm not writing a poem based on the prompt, but rather a poem inspired by the prompt. It's a subtle but important difference. My goal is to create a piece that will stand on its own even if I showed it to someone who didn't see the prompt.

As such, the description at the beginning is vital, especially when the conceit of the piece is that it's from the point of view of the 'photographer' or the person seeing this view. Before we start waxing philosophical about the view, we need to see what he sees.

But that's it. Not a justification, just an explanation.

Thank you again.

[Zeb The Troll]

I'm sorry that I haven't gotten the brackets and the prompt up yet. I'm waiting for Omeganaut and bladescape to confirm that they're still paying attention to this thread and interested in competing next round.

So, if you two are reading, please respond to my PM quickly!

[leakingpen]

trumane, you have a point, and i agree with you... but. maybe i phrased it badly. enh.


as far as free verse,yes, well. I did in fact think free verse meant no meter, and could be rhymed or unrhymed. Based on your comments, I did some research. I am shocked, SHOCKED! to find that rhyming unmetered poetry is treated so poorly by people! This is disheartening. Especially since it's my primary writing style! There ISN'T a name for it that I can find. This is injustice. we should make one.

[bladescape]

Here and ready for action. May be slow on the Poem though, as I'm currently a little under the weather.

[Szilard]

So usually I wait until the end of the round for my responses to judges. Here I am.

@Haruki-kun

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First off, thanks for judging.

I do wonder exactly why she threw away the real for the fake by accident… I’m not sure if that’s clear. Was it just because she put on the coat?

In my mind, it was more the fact that she wasn't paying attention to the dog, so it ran away for something else--probably chasing a cat. It was her being distracted by the fake (the coat) and letting the real (the dog) getting away.

@The Grimmace

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Thanks for judging. And judging by your comments, you liked my poem, so I guess that worked.

I do have a question though: Was the use of the word "through" rather than "threw" intentional? I don't really get what the effect is there...

My mistake. It should be threw, but obviously editing it in would have disqualified me.

@Story Time

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Thanks for stepping in and judging.
Yes, there was a spelling error, sorry about that. As for punctuation, thanks. Though I believe poems can go with wrong or just without punctuation, I also believe that they need a reason to. e. e. cummings comes to mind.

The mood for this poem is difficult to call. It's not quite sad or tragic. Rugged, perhaps, but the mood comes across as, "It is what it is, I'm not trying to convince you." Which is great for a reader, maybe, but neither am I wholly certain what the poet was trying to achieve.

In my mind, the mood I was trying to bring up was "life sometimes sucks." I'm not really that good with moodyness.
As for the connection to the prompt, I saw the picture (http://sandas04.deviantart.com/art/H...bish-281473066) more as the aftermath of the poem, with her having the coat on while looking for her dog (which had knocked down the trash).

And then your extra judging, which was pretty nice of you.

Your general comments on rhythm being important is something I've learned repeatedly through these contests, so I guess it's pretty important if everyone seems to think so.

Going further, my rhythm in the poem was no more than "does it sound good when I say it aloud?" So no, I wasn't going for anything specific.

Again, the prompt was (as I saw it) the aftermath of my poem.

Then italicizing faux was meant more to emphasize the word, but I suppose reading the tag (aloud or not) is another good way of looking at it. Maybe I'll pretend that was my intention all along.

You thinking it was a former cattle guy was something I didn't expect. Though I suppose if I wanted the woman in the picture to be the speaker of the poem I probably should have added a bit more detail to make it clear. Details are another thing I'm not too good with when it comes to poems. Though I guess that might be an outcome of my somewhat minimalist bent.

I again apologize for not making the connection between the prompt and the poem clearer. Thanks for judging though.

@The Fiery Tower

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Thanks for your judging as well as for liking the poem so much. Though I have to say, the speaker was not a "he." It was the woman from the prompt. Sorry if I didn't make that clear.

@leakingpen

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I suppose my poem failed in that it wasn't obvious that the poem led straight to the picture: the woman with the coat looking around for her lost dog, which had knocked over the trash. Thanks for the judging though.

[truemane]

trumane, you have a point, and i agree with you... but. maybe i phrased it badly. enh.

as far as free verse,yes, well. I did in fact think free verse meant no meter, and could be rhymed or unrhymed. Based on your comments, I did some research. I am shocked, SHOCKED! to find that rhyming unmetered poetry is treated so poorly by people! This is disheartening. Especially since it's my primary writing style! There ISN'T a name for it that I can find. This is injustice. we should make one.

Hey, just because I can justify it doesn't mean I did it right. I was just saying that it was deliberate, and for specific reasons. Sometimes I think that everyone knowing the prompt ahead of time hurts the resulting piece. When you go into it looking for the prompt, it can't help but twist your perceptions of the piece itself.

I remember in Iron Author, I had the 'Smock-Frock' as a prompt. And every judge denigrated the way I included it. Which probably means I did it poorly, but I actually thought I did a good job, but the trouble is that word SMOCK-FROCK is so silly that everyone's looking for it going in and so almost any inclusion is going to look stilted and obvious as a result.

But then we poets are always whining about how no one understands our work. :p

I've always been surprised at the lack of a word for non-metred, rhyming poetry as well. Not because I think a word is necessary (ie. no one really ever does it) but because academics have words for EVERYTHING. Even more surprising is that there's no word for non-rhyming, metred poetry (except for blank verse, or maybe heroic verse for dactylic hexameter). Which is far more prevalent.

Anyway, I officially suggest the term 'Leaking Verse' in honour of its second-most (in)famous proponent.

[Zeb The Troll]

Okay, sorry for the delay. I wanted to make sure that we had all four contestants, and we do! Without further ado...

Iron Poet Semifinal Round!

The theme here is "unconventional vocabulary".

Alarra vs. bladescape - extravasation (also)
truemane vs. Omeganaut - effluvia

Remember, the prompt doesn't have to be used literally, it can be figurative.

Remember also that the word itself doesn't necessarily have to show up in the poem.

The deadline for the poems is Monday, April 23, at 23:59.

Good luck!

[Omeganaut]

I am submitting my poem early, because I know I won't have time during the week (Finals). Still, this was a nice break from studying, and I hope any readers enjoy it.

Effluvia

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Spring had sprouted, love had infused the air,
and hormones sought to find for me a mate.
She was lovely, it really wasn’t fair.
I dared to ask if she wanted a date,
The times were great I had no real complaint,
on nothing troubling could I place my thumb.
The ecstasy would always make me faint,
And yet I knew that keeping her was dumb.
It might have been she liked such bad music,
Perhaps she should have said “I love you” more.
Maybe it was her subtle facial tic,
Or just my heart had better fates in store.
However great my love for her had grown,
I found a love ten times what I had known.

[Alarra]

Okay, I'm going to post this now because tonight and tomorrow are crazy busy and I don't want it hanging over my head even though I could see myself working on it awhile more. I'm sad to say that I had a very hard time being inspired by this prompt.

prompt: extravasation

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A postage stamp of green grass
taunting the surrounding flows;
The only remains of the village square.
Flat, fertile, land once coveted,
though now void of grazing goats.
It was not a mountain.

I woke to a carpet of fog,
tendrils clasping at jamb and sill,
our unwelcome morning guests
of three months or more.
Today it rolled, boiled, wished,
It was wreathing a mountain.

We continued on our day,
too consumed with petty chores
to note the fog never lifted.
Too busy to stop and comment
on its partnered sour stench,
Thought unique to mountains.

Even the first rumblings
seemed no cause for alarm.
Earthquakes, not uncommon here,
grew, strength and number, each year.
We were not concerned. After all,
This is not a mountain.

Yet now I sit, alone, trapped.
My rock the remaining high ground
in a sea of flames. A smoldering home
passes on its current and I shudder
to remember its spew from flat fields,
Far from the nearest mountain.

Ash settles in my hair, seared lungs.
I lay, eyes clenched against the memory,
chaos and death. Skin blistering, blackened,
I take my final thought to wonder why
no one knew that a volcano didn’t
Have to be a mountain.

[truemane]

Oh. My. God.

I misread the brackets. I've been plugging away at a poem inspired by Extravasation all this time.

Holy crap.

I honestly don't know if I'll be able to get this done by midnight.

[Zeb The Troll]

I say, better the wrong prompt than no submission at all. Post what you've got!

[bladescape]

I'm afraid I struggled with inspiration from the prompt too...

Title:
Death So Near

Prompt:
Extravasation

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Have you ever had that moment?
That moment, gone so fast?
Have you had that moment,
Where your life flashes past?

Have you ever stood up,
Ever felt the rush of fear,
Ever had friends help you up,
Ever had that painful sear?

Where everything goes silent,
Heartbeat in your ears.
Where you watch someone violent,
Bring out all your fears?

Then the thud, as you are hit,
Usually by something sharp.
Blood dribbles, where you now sit,
Then the calmness of a harp.

The closer death, the calmer sound,
The body welcomes it,
Then, almost as the soul's unbound,
The room is brightly lit.

A group of men, a table beneath,
A hospital around.
A silent pain, clenching your teeth,
All that fear unbound.

Recover fully? Sometimes we do,
But never the same again,
Now we've felt, loss none knew,
Stolen life to spend.

[truemane]

Well. It's an entry.

Prompt: Effluvia
Title: Cadaver

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.

[Zeb The Troll]

Hey, it's a little late*, but we have four entries!

Alarra vs. bladescape - extravasation (also)
truemane vs. Omeganaut - effluvia

Judges, there are only four poems, so I think it's not unreasonable to ask that these be completed by Monday, April 30, at 23:59 EDT, okay?

*The deadline for the poems was Monday, April 23, at 23:59, but I think everyone would agree that we don't really want to see a free pass to the finals on a technicality, right?

[Zjoot]

So, some umbrella notes before I go into specifics: Other than whatever method I use when judging the quality of poetry (because hell if I can describe it...) the big thing I was looking for was a good use of the prompt. "Extravasation" and "effluvia" are both words that have a very distinct feel, so that was a major part of the judging for me.

Alarra vs. Bladescape

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Alarra

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Some things I really liked: The poem flowed really well, mostly because of the masterful repetition of the mountain line at the end of each stanza. It made for a great build up to the end, which was in itself pretty great. That last line not only tied it together really well, but also just seems like one of those statements that state fact in just the right way as to convey a deeper meaning, which I love. There was some cool imagery, too. Biggest critique I have is the idea of the prompt. A volcano was a neat way to fit extravasation by the definition, but that word seems to have a very violent, dynamic feel, and I didn't really get that. Aftermath to a violent even? Conveyed well, but not quite fitting, in my opinion. Overall still a great poem though.

Bladescape

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First off, keeping with a strict rhyme scheme is always admirable; not always the easiest of tasks. There were a couple times when I feel the language got a little...I don't know...simplified to fit the rhyme scheme, but it didn't detract much. Now onto your actual content: I think it was pretty solid, overall, but to me it sort of lacked emotion. I felt that the subject matter mildly evoked some feelings, but didn't cut as deep as it could have. I thought that your fitting of the theme was pretty clever; you definitely took a much more metaphorical approach, which I like, but, as with Alarra's, I don't think the tone of the poem really matched the tone of Extravasation. It was fairly suspenseful (or some other word, because I'm not sure if suspenseful is quite right...) but I feel that extravasation has a very violent, dynamic feel to it. This is more of a personal interpretation though, and like I said, the way you fit the prompt was pretty darn cool.

Winner

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Alarra. It was a pretty good match, but when it came down to it, I just liked Alarra's better

Omeganaut vs. Truemane

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Omeganaut

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A Sonnet, right? Impressive. I always think adherence to a strict form is something to be admired, and everything seems to check out correctly, except, I think the iambic pentameter is a bit of a stretch on lines 3 and 9 (I'll admit my knowledge of form is extremely limited though, so it's possible that I'm worng about anything and everything I just said. )So onto content: the first thing to pop into my mind when I read/think about you're poem is: It's a nice little poem. The theme is good, but I don't think it goes that deep, and the last line seems like a bit of a rushed ending. It doesn't seem as final as I think the last line of a poem should be. The wording is done pretty well, though, and I think the atmosphere you tried to canvey came thorough very well, however, I think it lacks the toxicity that the word "effluvia" calls to mind.

Truemane

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I have to say I quite liked this one. The use of repetition was very effective, the story was told well, the imagery was great, and, most of all I think you fit the tone of the worf perfectly. The idea of the air being toxic: that's the atmosphere I get when I hear the word effluvia. A nitpick or two: LikeI said, the use of repetition was effective, but there were a couple cases when I think you would've done better without it. The lines abbout velvet and the lines about being wrapped in silence were both re-used in such a way that I think the fluency was damaged a little. However, another thing I really enjoyed was the way you're title and last line wrapped everything together nicely with that cool "cadaver" metaphor. Very nicely done.

Winner

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Truemane. As I mentioned, I think you did the best job this round of fitting the tone of your word. Great Job.

[Story Time]

IRON POET XV!


Round Three:

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Comments:

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This round was tough to choose. It was tough on me, personally, because of my beliefs about poetry and the rules of the Iron Poet contest.

It is the spirit of the Iron (Chef) Poet tradition that submissions are graded on how well they used, incorporated, and displayed the secret ingredient. That is the rule that I used to determine my verdict. So please take all of my comments with that item in mind.

Alarra versus Bladescape:

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Alarra:

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...keeping in mind that I am probably remaining silent about every-thing that I would normally say regarding punctuation and rhythm...

A moody piece. Sad. Dis-jointed in some places because of the choice of word order. I did like it. I see how it was meant to connect with the prompt and it did so fairly clearly.

A good poet knows how to use prose to make a surprise twist at the end. I noticed that. Good job.

Bladescape:

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Flat-out, this was the superior submission of the bout. Multiple layers of rhythm make for a quality piece.

However...I did become lost in the prose. The prompt's supposed influence on the piece was not the easiest to detect. I did detect it, but I felt while reading that the prompt was more hidden by the text than exposed. There were...( or seemed to be ) quite a few other things subtly mixed into the text as well as the prompt. Perhaps I was simply unable to see how they connected to the prompt and if that is the case then I am sorry. But...part of a poet's concern, at least when considering an audience, is how easily the audience will be able to assimilate the ideological content provided in the piece.

This is a good poem. You deserve a verbal reward.

Verdict:

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Alarra! Thanks for submitting, both of you.

Omaganaut versus Truemane:

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Omaganaut:

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A nicely structured poem, if all in one stanza. I...should also mention that I'm not sure whether lines two and six were intentionally left lower-case or not, but I point it out because the rest used punctuation.

The piece tells a story of a sort. Not necessarily the kind of story that I would like to hear, but the persona's words and thoughts are very clear to the reader. Those opinions provide a certain depth to the piece and are what, I think, give it some more heft than it would other-wise have.

And yet...I felt that the poem only addressed half of the prompt. It did contain a dis-agreeable sense ( Personal Note: I do not normally care for disagreeable things, but I'm here to judge fairly ) but I felt that it lacked the touch of the word breath that I was looking for in the poem, compared to the prompt.

Still, your poem did connect with the prompt and I personally think even your rushed and semi-impromptu submission indicated an acceptably solid effort.

Truemane:

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Stanza Two; Line Six. Chocking?

Flat-out, this was the better organized piece of the bout. It has rhythm and structure which are always nice to see. The prompt is obviously and rather heavily mixed into every stanza of the poem. This touches not only on the dis-agreeable or un-wanted aspect of the effluvia word, but also on the breathing or breath aspect. Not...specifically exhalation that I could see, but the movement and composition of air as well as the effects of it.

Personally, I do not like dark mood poetry, but I note that because that was the mood of the piece as it struck me. ...more dark than the other poems of the round.

For all of the mood of the piece, the poem was a bit abstract. The character and the persona were both active, and to that extent, interesting, but also ambiguously mysterious. To carefully pull a term from the piece, there was quite bit, "un-said," but in this case by the poet. I note that, not because I think it was an incorrect choice, but because I noticed the choice and saw how that choice influenced the rest o the piece as a whole.

So. I acknowledge your effort.

Verdict:

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Truemane! Thanks for submitting, both of you.

[truemane]

Hey! Look at that. Two very useful critiques. Good way to start a day.

@The Grimace

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First off, thank you for your comments. They were perceptive and useful. I have to admit that the repetition was a bit of a cheat. As you might have read, I spent the whole time trying to write a poem based on the other prompt. And had limited time to make this one happen.

And that kind of loose repetition is a good (and easy) way to create structure and resonance within a piece without resorting to formal rhythm and rhyme. Like a sestina for dummies. :p

In retrospect, I agree with that the 'velvet' line of motifs didn't work. I rather like the 'wrapped in silence' one. So there you go.

But it certainly could have used some polishing. Wholeheartedly agreed.

@Story Time

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First off, I'm glad you stuck around. You clearly know your stuff, and that's always valuable.

And, yes, good catch. It should have been 'choking.' But I was in a rush and the Spellcheck didn't catch it (because, of course, it's a word) and I didn't notice until after the deadline and so couldn't edit it.

I'm hot and cold on moody poetry. I find angst for the sake of angst to be as tiresome as giddy for the sake of giddy. So long as the poet in question earns the emotion, everything goes.

And that's, I think, what you're getting at with the comments on abstraction. Did I earn the moody? Or did I just make use of it as a design element? Was I being mysterious and evocative (La Belle dame Sans Merci) or just obtuse (every second song Kurt Cobain ever wrote). I'm not sure. Certainly I felt it while I was writing it, felt the narrator's pain and frustration. But, as you said, I left enough unsaid that the reader can't really follow the narrative as a narrative and so the only payoff is thematic. There's something to be said for minimalist narratives of all kinds (from William Carlos Williams to Hemmingway), but, like anything else, you have to earn it.

So. I think you're mostly right. This poem was some sincerity wrapped in technical cheats ("Writing in cold blood," Stephen King calls it). I'm good at the technical aspects of poetry, less so at the sincerity. And although I don't like using it as an excuse, I was really up against the wall on this one, time-wise, and so relied in my strong suits a little more than I like to.

But thank you for your comments. They were insightful and gave me a look at the piece (and therefore my poetry in general) that I might not otherwise have had.