Personal Woes and Advice

[MonkeyBusiness]

It makes a difference to be able to turn to others on this forum for advice, compassion, and support when things are difficult. This is a unique community where friendship, kindness, and acceptance are the rule. Hurtful behavior is rare. When it does occur it is never tolerated, and the staff seek to prevent it from recurring, whether it was caused by a lapse in judgement or intentional cruelty.

It is therefore with great pleasure that I share with you the new rules that will allow friends on this forum to continue to help each other out and to maintain the bonds that grow when friends share their troubles.

I would like to emphasize that these rules are not mine, although I agree with them. The rules were the effort of the entire Giant in the Playground staff, who recognize the need for friends to share their troubles. It was hard work, and they deserve our thanks.

Part of the definition of friendship is the sharing of troubles. That is the goal of this thread: to share our problems in a way that strengthens our community. The new rules are devised to make this possible.

Please carefully read what follows:

THE RULES FOR THE PERSONAL WOES AND ADVICE THREAD

The Personal Woes and Advice thread is a place to discuss our daily troubles and seek advice on minor personal matters that get us down. For serious depression or mental health issues, please seek help from a professional.

Like many other threads here on GitP, we've got a number of rules to help set the tone and head off issues likely to arise in this kind of thread. Please read them carefully and follow them.

1. Of course, follow the Forum Rules. If you haven't read them recently (or ever - *gasp*), you should do so now. And giving them another read before you post something particularly emotionally charged or contentious might also be a good idea. Most relevant to this thread is the rule:

Professional Advice: Please do not give any form of professional advice to other posters, whether it is solicited or not, even if you are a licensed professional in that field (and especially if you are not). This includes (but is not limited to) legal, financial planning, psychological, and medical advice. As a rule of thumb, if you need a license to practice such a profession, you can't practice it here. You may suggest that someone seek out such a professional away from these message boards, but you may not actually dispense any other guidance. This rule is to protect those who need such advice from the possibility of being misled with faulty or even dangerous suggestions - however well intentioned - and to protect both you and us from unforeseen liability.

2. This thread is not for the treatment of or the discussion of the treatment of serious depression or mental health issues. Someone posting about those issues or seeking what would seem to call for licensed professional mental health advice should be referred to seek such advice. When in doubt, limit your response to friendly support and a suggestion to seek real world professional help. Think before you offer advice about how to be friendly, supportive, and not offer advice better left to a licensed professional in a professional setting.

3. Feel free to post here to share your feelings, vent, and request advice. It's perfectly fine if you just want to share or commiserate. If you want advice, ask; if you specifically don't want advice, just say so. If you want to be contacted via PM, say so; if not, say that.

4. Romantic issues are probably better discussed in the Relationship Woes and Advice thread.

5. No problem is too small or insignificant. If it's bothering you, feel free to share. People should refrain from weighing or comparing their problems to other people's problems. Minimizing someone's problems or comparing your problems to theirs isn't helpful or friendly. Please don't do that.

6. This is advice that you are getting from friends over the internet. Take it with a grain of salt. This advice is not professional, nor is it always the best.

7. If you feel you are not receiving the help you need, or deem yourself a danger to yourself and/or others, seek professional help immediately!

8. Prescribing medication is something that requires multiple licenses. Please don't do that here or expect others to do that here. If you are on medication and find them not working or not working properly, call your doctor immediately.

9. Please, never suggest to someone that they harm themselves or others.

10. Remember, it is not your job to "fix" anyone here and it is not a requirement for posting here that a person wants to be, or wants their problem to be, "fixed."

And finally: Please remember your safety before posting any personal information or before giving or accepting any support. The following site provides some useful internet safety guidance for adults.

[arguskos]

As I have done in similar threads past, I will add my name to a general "pool" of people who can and will accept PMs for sensitive topics. I can't guarantee my advice will be the best, but I can guarantee that I'll do anything in my power to help someone who needs it. It's the least I can do.

[Astrella]

Glad to see this thread return.

[Blue Ghost]

So you worked with the forum staff on this? Awesome, Monkey! Just posting here to give my blessings to this thread, and express my hope that many good things will come of it.

[Skeppio]

Glad to see this thread's back again.

As for me:

Spoiler

Show

I'm doing a bit better. I got to hang out with a couple classmates yesterday evening, so that was really fun.

Got an appointment with the psychiatrist on next Tuesday, so hopefully I'll get diagnosis and treatment/medication.

Not sleeping right lately. I've been waking up randomly in the middle of the night. Not fun.

[factotum]

I went through a period of waking up in the middle of the night, but I found (oddly enough) that if I went to bed an hour or so later it worked fine--although I got an hour less time in bed overall, the fact I slept right through meant I was more refreshed in the morning than when I kept waking up!

[Icewalker]

I'm glad to see this part of the forums make it's reappearance, in what is probably a rather more proper structure. I've not been around it much in the past, but I'm very glad that it's here. Personally, I don't suffer from any particular depression, nor am I ever even particularly sad (my judgments on things in general (such as life) tend to not be "Good" or "Bad" but rather "Good" or "Less good but still good".)

Anyway, I think I'll make an attempt to keep up with the thread's content, although I know it moves fast. I know another ear can help, and I have had a lot of troubled friends speak with me, so I've seen some of it, and found my own ways to avoid being troubled by such things myself. Perhaps I'll be able to be some help to those who want some advice with their troubles.


I can say a lot as to advice on how to fall asleep. But as far as avoiding waking up in the middle of the night goes, I'm afraid nothing comes to mind. My best advice is just to relax if you wake up, and let yourself drift back asleep. Likely your psychiatrist can provide some better help.

[Lady Moreta]

Got an appointment with the psychiatrist on next Tuesday, so hopefully I'll get diagnosis and treatment/medication.

Not sleeping right lately. I've been waking up randomly in the middle of the night. Not fun.

Join the club I haven't slept the whole night through in well - probably about a month, if not more. Mention it to the psychiatrist just in case it could be stress, it could just be a phase, it could be your noisy husband who has breathing issues of his own and keeps rolling over on to your side of the bed... No wait. That's the reason I keep waking up

Do you have set times for going to bed/getting up again? I find that it helps me to have a set 'bedtime' and a set 'getting up' time - routine is your friend

[Moonshadow]

Join the club I haven't slept the whole night through in well - probably about a month, if not more. Mention it to the psychiatrist just in case it could be stress, it could just be a phase, it could be your noisy husband who has breathing issues of his own and keeps rolling over on to your side of the bed... No wait. That's the reason I keep waking up

Do you have set times for going to bed/getting up again? I find that it helps me to have a set 'bedtime' and a set 'getting up' time - routine is your friend

Breathing issues being Moreta-speak for smothering him with a pillow, of course

[Lady Moreta]

Breathing issues being Moreta-speak for smothering him with a pillow, of course

Hey! I don't do that til after he's woken me up

Actually, if breathing is a possible reason you're waking up, try getting some sort of nasal strip. Peregrine uses them and they work really well - he can breath easier at night and I (mostly) sleep better.

I do sleep better, far better than I do when he doesn't use them. I'm just unfortunately an extremely light sleeper who struggles with ear plugs (especially when they don't work!).

[onthetown]

Smaller, cozier thread? I like.

I guess student loans wants their money. I had to change a bunch of banking information over and I'm a few months behind, so they told me to make a manual payment through my bank. Except my bank doesn't take manual payments like that. So they want me to do phone banking. Except I only have the money in my account for my car insurance, which is coming out... sometime soon, I guess. It's always confusing when the dates are.

Money sucks. Plus my mom constantly bothering me about it. She acts sympathetic but when I just want to be left alone she storms off and slams the door and goes on about how she doesn't have to leave me alone because I'm her daughter, etc etc.

[DeadManSleeping]

@Moreta: Some studies have shown that it's actually a good idea for couples to not sleep in the same bed. It might help you sleep easier, and better sleep is good for a relationship. Not saying you should do it, since I don't know your exact situation, but it's food for thought.

[Icewalker]

I'll put in another vote as to making sure your sleep patterns are consistent. Going to sleep and waking up at the same time every morning will help your body get on track immensely.

[WarKitty]

Long rant ahead:

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Moving to grad school next week. I should be excited. Instead, I'm just afraid. I'm not doing that well, it's taking me forever to do what should be simple things. I'm afraid to fail.

The issue? Half these problems have been caused by mental health professionals. Just the thought scares me. Actually going to an appointment makes me sick for the entire day, and even then I can't bring myself to tell more than the most minor innocuous issues. I almost died - twice - because of drugs someone insisted I needed. I've been labelled all kinds of things and painted as a danger because some professional didn't like that I wasn't seeing his people - which I stopped seeing because they broke confidentiality on me and tried to pretend it was in the original agreement under some strange interpretation of one sentence. I nearly lost my chance at college due to that one. Even the ones that haven't been an issue I feel out of place, like my own belief system and desire to see beyond the immediate are pathological. Like my fundamental identity is pathological. Like I'll only be healthy if I turn into someone else, someone I don't want to be.

And everyone's holding these people up as the holy grail of solving issues. Even though, time and again, they've made my life miserable. It's like one of the first ones I saw, that told me to go back and rely on my boyfriend more, not realizing that he was abusive. Only this time people won't believe that abuse can even exist...

I want someplace to go that I can fit in and talk to people and have support without the constant push to go back into that system. It's not good for a lot of us, it's not a safe place for me. I just want friends, someone that'll help out when I'm having trouble focusing and help me figure out how to get stuff done. That's the practical part, really - being able to focus long enough to keep my mind on the work I need to get done and not on all the problems I see around me.

[MonkeyBusiness]

Monkey needs a hug.

Earlier this summer I applied for a writing scholarship. I knew it was a long shot, but I did my best. And my best is, if I say so myself, pretty good. I've been waiting for two months to hear back and trying not to get my hopes up.

Well, I just got the response: I did not get the scholarship. My hopes are not crushed, but they could use a couple of bandaids.

I'll keep writing. I'll apply for another scholarship. Excelsior, and all that.

But right now I feel dejected.

Poop.

[factotum]

Did they give you any constructive feedback on why you didn't get the scholarship, or was it just a "no" letter?

[WarKitty]

*hugs the monkey*

Sorry about the scholarship - I know a lot of stuff is expensive.

[MonkeyBusiness]

<hugs Kitty> Thanks. Yes, school is expensive. I gather you are starting grad school also, so you know how it is. It feels like such a gamble: is it worth spending the money and the time on a master's degree? I know it is right for me ... but sometimes I feel very vulnerable.

Facto, they sent me a very kindly worded rejection letter, but no feedback. It was a. KGood work, thanks for playing, but your aren't the one" kind of thing.

I know the writing I sent was good. It was my final project for my class winter semester, and it was worth most of my semester grade. I received an "A" and good comments from the professor and my classmates. There were things to be improved, of course, but it was a solid submission.

Part of the point of the scholarship was to produce a book-length, publishable manuscript. I still intend to work toward that. After the scholarship submission deadline, I set it aside and let it "air out" ... but I went back to it last week and began revising and expanding it. Having the scholarship would have been an amazing resource to help me in that endeavor: but I can still do it without.

I just wish I could get a little boost, financially, and also to my ego.

[LaZodiac]

Well Monkey, if it makes you feel better, I'm very impressed you're taking time out of your day to help make other people feel better. It's very impressive, and it's one of the reasons I really respect you

[Lady Moreta]

Money sucks. Plus my mom constantly bothering me about it. She acts sympathetic but when I just want to be left alone she storms off and slams the door and goes on about how she doesn't have to leave me alone because I'm her daughter, etc etc.

Indeed it does *hugs* My mother can be a bit like that (and she's in another country!) less of the storming off (even when we were in the same place) but she does go on about things a bit. I've never figured out how to get her to stop, but I can sympathise at least.

@Moreta: Some studies have shown that it's actually a good idea for couples to not sleep in the same bed. It might help you sleep easier, and better sleep is good for a relationship. Not saying you should do it, since I don't know your exact situation, but it's food for thought.

I've thought about it. During the week, we get up at the same time anyway, but on weekends I'll often get up around anywhere between 5-7am (depending on when I wake up) and go crash on the couch for a while. The annoying thing is that he's not the thing waking me up. I have no idea why I keep waking up, but once I'm awake, his breathing problems prevent me from falling asleep again easily. I won't sleep in completely separate beds though - my parents stopped sleeping in the same bed when I was about 9 or 10, and by the time I was 15 they didn't even sleep in the same room. I don't want to be like that - we've only been married 3 1/2 years.

Long rant ahead:

Spoiler

Show

Moving to grad school next week. I should be excited. Instead, I'm just afraid. I'm not doing that well, it's taking me forever to do what should be simple things. I'm afraid to fail.

The issue? Half these problems have been caused by mental health professionals. Just the thought scares me. Actually going to an appointment makes me sick for the entire day, and even then I can't bring myself to tell more than the most minor innocuous issues. I almost died - twice - because of drugs someone insisted I needed. I've been labelled all kinds of things and painted as a danger because some professional didn't like that I wasn't seeing his people - which I stopped seeing because they broke confidentiality on me and tried to pretend it was in the original agreement under some strange interpretation of one sentence. I nearly lost my chance at college due to that one. Even the ones that haven't been an issue I feel out of place, like my own belief system and desire to see beyond the immediate are pathological. Like my fundamental identity is pathological. Like I'll only be healthy if I turn into someone else, someone I don't want to be.

And everyone's holding these people up as the holy grail of solving issues. Even though, time and again, they've made my life miserable. It's like one of the first ones I saw, that told me to go back and rely on my boyfriend more, not realizing that he was abusive. Only this time people won't believe that abuse can even exist...

I want someplace to go that I can fit in and talk to people and have support without the constant push to go back into that system. It's not good for a lot of us, it's not a safe place for me. I just want friends, someone that'll help out when I'm having trouble focusing and help me figure out how to get stuff done. That's the practical part, really - being able to focus long enough to keep my mind on the work I need to get done and not on all the problems I see around me.

Kitty - maybe you should give yourself a break from seeing professionals. It sounds like you could use a break and just some time to recover from everything the entire profession has done for you. Look on grad school as an opportunity to make new friends - real friends. Join clubs and go out to events. Making friends takes longer than making an appointment, but in the long run I think it'll be better for you *hug*

Monkey needs a hug.

*hugs for Monkey*

I've read something you wrote before and you are good. I wish I could write half that well - I'd be a very happy person indeed. Things like that suck, especially when they take such a long time to get back to you - for me at least, I tend to forget I even applied, so it ends up being a reminder and then a let-down all at once which sucks even more.

But you're still our awesome Monkey

[DeadManSleeping]

The annoying thing is that he's not the thing waking me up.

It's possible he does something that rouses you but you don't realize what it was once you're awake.

[Kindablue]

Join the club I haven't slept the whole night through in well - probably about a month, if not more. Mention it to the psychiatrist just in case it could be stress, it could just be a phase, it could be your noisy husband who has breathing issues of his own and keeps rolling over on to your side of the bed... No wait. That's the reason I keep waking up

Do you have set times for going to bed/getting up again? I find that it helps me to have a set 'bedtime' and a set 'getting up' time - routine is your friend

"Dreams Deferred"

...during clinical experiments at the National Institute of Mental Health, human subjects deprived of light at night for weeks at a time exhibited a segmented pattern of sleep closely resembling that related in historical sources (as well as that still exhibited by many wild mammals). The subjects also experienced, during intervals of wakefulness, measurably higher levels of prolactin, the hormone that allows hens to sit happily upon their eggs for long periods.

...

Remarkably, then, our pattern of consolidated sleep has been a relatively recent development, another product of the industrial age, while segmented sleep was long the natural form of our slumber, having a provenance as old as humankind. (Homer even invoked the term "first sleep" in "The Odyssey.") For experts like Dr. Thomas Wehr, who conducted the experiments at the National Institute of Mental Health, some common sleep disorders may be nothing more than sleep's older, primal pattern trying to reassert itself — "breaking through," as Dr. Wehr has put it, into today's "artificial world."

Not saying sleep disorders don't exist, but it's interesting to think about.

[Lady Moreta]

It's possible he does something that rouses you but you don't realize what it was once you're awake.

Yeah, like invading my personal space bubble Unfortunately, I have a massive personal space bubble when I sleep, if it gets invaded - woe to he who does so

In my case, it's probably more to do with the fact that my husband only just recently got a job and started coming to bed at a normal hour. Before then, he wasn't working and I was, and he wasn't coming to bed til 4am on average. But I was going to bed much earlier than that (around 9pm) so I was sleeping most of the night through before he even came to bed (of course, that had it's own issues, since I'd frequently wake up because he wasn't there)... it's a matter of simply getting used to having him there again. The last time we were both working (about three years ago) I got used to it and was generally fine. I've always been prone to waking up in the middle of the night, and I'm finding that things are getting better (from five weeks ago when he first started working), I'm just impatient

Not saying sleep disorders don't exist, but it's interesting to think about.

That's fascinating. I'll have to read the entire article at some point. If that is what my body is doing, I wish it'd stop because it's bloody annoying

[Moonshadow]

Just, y'know, warn Peregrine if you suddenly get broody and decide to egg sit I'm sure he doesn't want to roll over in the middle of the night and crush the poor thing

[Icewalker]

Huh! Interesting article. It's true that artificial lighting has had an enormous impact on human development, in sleep as well as other things (the age of puberty has been gradually decreasing since we got artificial lighting). I wonder if this first / second sleep idea is reflected in the circadian rhythm: it has us sleeping at night, as well as a long nap in the early afternoon. I'm curious as to whether there's a small upwards dip around midnight that accounts for what the article discusses...as to naps and the like other than that, I can't say I know much as regards the details, although extensive sleep is very good, long periods of sleep are natural (ie, those polyphasic sleep cycles are rather terrible ideas...).

How does this relate to the thread and it's main subject? Well, I heard some very interesting lectures recently from a neuroscientist / psychologist who studies sleep patterns and the effects of sleep. Here's the interesting bit:

If you get little or no sleep on a given night, you won't retain memories as well from the previous day. Simple enough. However, you will remember the negative memories much more often than the positive ones if you get less sleep. The positive emotional and non-emotional memories are retained at a FAR lower rate than the negative emotional memories when you don't get a good night's sleep.

(Here's the full lecture, for anybody interested. It covers a lot about sleep patterns and experiments on what different parts of sleep does for you.)

@Monkey: ::hugs:: Sorry you didn't get the scholarship. It's never easy. It's cool that you're still writing though, s'an incredible thing, really putting yourself to a writing project, and it's always inspiring to see yourself making progress. I'm just starting a comic myself with several friends, and publishing a general fiction magazine with it, Tales From The Menagerie. Something like writing a book is a good project to keep yourself focused on getting things done.

[Skeppio]

Aw, so sorry to hear that, MonkeyBusiness. *hugs*

[WarKitty]

Kitty - maybe you should give yourself a break from seeing professionals. It sounds like you could use a break and just some time to recover from everything the entire profession has done for you. Look on grad school as an opportunity to make new friends - real friends. Join clubs and go out to events. Making friends takes longer than making an appointment, but in the long run I think it'll be better for you *hug*

Yeah...I'm just kind of nervous at this point. Trouble over this kind of thing seems to find me, and it's cost me a significant amount of problems with friends. I don't want to jump into finding new friends without figuring out how well I can fit in, and whether my stuff is going to be a problem.

[factotum]

Not saying sleep disorders don't exist, but it's interesting to think about.

Segmented sleep would have been kind of useful to our ancestors, who wouldn't have wanted to spend 8 hours stationary and an easy target for predators, so that makes a lot of sense!

[Icewalker]

Yeah...I'm just kind of nervous at this point. Trouble over this kind of thing seems to find me, and it's cost me a significant amount of problems with friends. I don't want to jump into finding new friends without figuring out how well I can fit in, and whether my stuff is going to be a problem.

Mustn't be too careful! If you spend all your time trying to distance yourself so you can gauge people before you act friendly with them, then you'll never actually get to know them or let them know you, and you won't be able to tell if you really fit in! One piece of advice I can give is to bring up topics which might be sources of mutual interest that are good examples of what you are like. Firefly, dnd, or whatever, I don't know what you like that others may know of. Or, if you feel too nervous to do this, try to drop blatant references to the things you like to see if people catch up on them. Honestly, the best way to find out if you share interests with people is to actually spend time with them until you learn what their interests through interaction. Hard to read from the outside.

...This is advice I really ought to be using myself. I manage because I'm so close with people who don't live near me but I stay in contact with, but honestly I have so few friends where I am now...

[polity4life]

<hugs Kitty> Thanks. Yes, school is expensive. I gather you are starting grad school also, so you know how it is. It feels like such a gamble: is it worth spending the money and the time on a master's degree? I know it is right for me ... but sometimes I feel very vulnerable.

Facto, they sent me a very kindly worded rejection letter, but no feedback. It was a. KGood work, thanks for playing, but your aren't the one" kind of thing.

I know the writing I sent was good. It was my final project for my class winter semester, and it was worth most of my semester grade. I received an "A" and good comments from the professor and my classmates. There were things to be improved, of course, but it was a solid submission.

Part of the point of the scholarship was to produce a book-length, publishable manuscript. I still intend to work toward that. After the scholarship submission deadline, I set it aside and let it "air out" ... but I went back to it last week and began revising and expanding it. Having the scholarship would have been an amazing resource to help me in that endeavor: but I can still do it without.

I just wish I could get a little boost, financially, and also to my ego.

I treated grad school as a gamble and, luckily, it has paid off. I made an effort to expand my network and landed a pretty good job. It's outside of my field, mind you, but effort has helped bridge the capability gap between myself and my co-workers.

Of course, I have an extra $25,000 in student debt to pay on but I have a career job, if I choose it to be, fantastic resume bait, and the phone number of some note worthy folk.

Chin up. I'm sure you will find a boon during your time as a grad. student. :)